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(The Onion)   The Onion skewers Justin Bieber as only they can   (theonion.com) divider line 76
    More: Spiffy, dancing boys, sings  
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13611 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 11 Mar 2013 at 8:48 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-03-11 05:26:47 PM
oh, that's awesome.
 
2013-03-11 05:33:49 PM
That's great, I hope someone shows it to him. he's worth $100 million, rakes in truckloads of cash to sing, and has to cancel shows? He needs some perspective.
 
2013-03-11 05:39:09 PM
Iowa Fashion Week was moar funnier
 
2013-03-11 05:42:25 PM
Who??
 
2013-03-11 06:32:46 PM
"Listen.. I would never hit you with an axe.. when you had skewers stabbed through your mouth. I would figure one or the other would be enough."

static.giantbomb.com
 
2013-03-11 08:53:51 PM
did they call him acoont?
 
2013-03-11 09:02:28 PM
I couldn't help but read that in the South Park news announcer voice.
 
2013-03-11 09:04:30 PM
dunno, Fark had a good swipe just a few days ago...
*clicks link*
meh, we do it better... link
 
2013-03-11 09:06:23 PM

Gig103: he's worth $100 million, rakes in truckloads of cash to sing, and has to cancel shows?


He thinks he's Axl Rose and that it's 1992.
 
2013-03-11 09:09:41 PM
he is such a moron.
 
2013-03-11 09:12:17 PM
It's not even derogatory. All they do is call him what he does. Fantastic.
 
2013-03-11 09:14:50 PM

ski9600: Who??


Oh just stop, you know who Ellen Page is. Admit it.
 
2013-03-11 09:25:37 PM

Mugato: Gig103: he's worth $100 million, rakes in truckloads of cash to sing, and has to cancel shows?

He thinks he's Axl Rose and that it's 1992.


Hey, hey, Axl would never cancel shows. He'd just go on four hours late and leave early.
 
2013-03-11 09:25:57 PM
I'm getting all sorts of use out of this.

i1282.photobucket.com
 
2013-03-11 09:27:42 PM

GarbageDay: Hey, hey, Axl would never cancel shows. He'd just go on four hours late and leave early.


Yeah you're right, my bad.

/attended GnR/Metallica, 1992
//Axl was at least 3 hours late
 
2013-03-11 09:33:00 PM
Poorly?
 
2013-03-11 09:36:10 PM
That was awesome.  Summed it up blandly and insulted the shiat out him at the same time.

Ah, I see have some beliebers here on fark today...
 
2013-03-11 09:40:14 PM
haha, that guy is a coont. AMEYERIGHT?
 
2013-03-11 10:08:25 PM

Gig103: That's great, I hope someone shows it to him. he's worth $100 million, rakes in truckloads of cash to sing, and has to cancel shows? He needs some perspective.


Perhaps.

The career lifespan of a teeny-bopper artist is damned near a microsecond.  I''m not white-knighting the guy (I hate his stuff) but he has managed to actually maintain it for a significant span of time.

Is $100 million enough?  Maybe he actually thinks it is.

For the record, I've played gigs sick.  I've played bars where they put a 5 gallon bucket behind a PA speaker so I could vomit into it mid-set. It sucks.  And it sucks even harder when there are all of five people that came out to see you and your shiatty band.  But if the guy is genuinely ill then kudos to him for looking out for himself rather than others that are probably more prone to treating him like a piggy bank.
 
2013-03-11 10:16:29 PM

Skarekrough: Is $100 million enough? Maybe he actually thinks it is.


For you and me, sure but the way he probably lives and since the clock is ticking towards his expiration date....
 
2013-03-11 10:21:49 PM
Remove the picture and they might be writing about Morrissey.
 
2013-03-11 10:27:07 PM

Mugato: Skarekrough: Is $100 million enough? Maybe he actually thinks it is.

For you and me, sure but the way he probably lives and since the clock is ticking towards his expiration date....


Hangers-on rarely come cheap.
 
2013-03-11 10:31:27 PM

Skarekrough: Gig103: That's great, I hope someone shows it to him. he's worth $100 million, rakes in truckloads of cash to sing, and has to cancel shows? He needs some perspective.

Perhaps.

The career lifespan of a teeny-bopper artist is damned near a microsecond.  I''m not white-knighting the guy (I hate his stuff) but he has managed to actually maintain it for a significant span of time.

Is $100 million enough?  Maybe he actually thinks it is.

For the record, I've played gigs sick.  I've played bars where they put a 5 gallon bucket behind a PA speaker so I could vomit into it mid-set. It sucks.  And it sucks even harder when there are all of five people that came out to see you and your shiatty band.  But if the guy is genuinely ill then kudos to him for looking out for himself rather than others that are probably more prone to treating him like a piggy bank.


Ah, good times. What a wonderful way to not make a living. My personal fave was some dive in Fresno we played where we had to play inside a chain link cage. And yes - by the end of the evening it had become abundantly evident that the cage was a very good idea.
 
2013-03-11 10:43:52 PM
Ham-handedly?
 
2013-03-11 10:47:26 PM

Mugato: Gig103: he's worth $100 million, rakes in truckloads of cash to sing, and has to cancel shows?

He thinks he's Axl Rose  Sly Stone and that it's 1992 1972.

Fixed.

Also 4th letter down.  http://www.ottawasun.com/2013/03/10/letters-to-the-editor-march-11
 
2013-03-11 10:50:36 PM

Mole Man: He thinks he's Axl Rose Sly Stone and that it's 1992 1972.
Fixed.


He was busy shooting Rocky.
 
2013-03-11 11:05:30 PM
I have the Beibs on my Celebrity Death Pool after this past week.
 
2013-03-11 11:11:10 PM
I almost feel sorry for the little fella.
 
2013-03-11 11:12:58 PM

jso2897: Skarekrough: Gig103: That's great, I hope someone shows it to him. he's worth $100 million, rakes in truckloads of cash to sing, and has to cancel shows? He needs some perspective.

Perhaps.

The career lifespan of a teeny-bopper artist is damned near a microsecond.  I''m not white-knighting the guy (I hate his stuff) but he has managed to actually maintain it for a significant span of time.

Is $100 million enough?  Maybe he actually thinks it is.

For the record, I've played gigs sick.  I've played bars where they put a 5 gallon bucket behind a PA speaker so I could vomit into it mid-set. It sucks.  And it sucks even harder when there are all of five people that came out to see you and your shiatty band.  But if the guy is genuinely ill then kudos to him for looking out for himself rather than others that are probably more prone to treating him like a piggy bank.

Ah, good times. What a wonderful way to not make a living. My personal fave was some dive in Fresno we played where we had to play inside a chain link cage. And yes - by the end of the evening it had become abundantly evident that the cage was a very good idea.


Not Fresno, but I've done that bit.
Bits of bottle still got through.
 
2013-03-11 11:14:48 PM

Skarekrough: For the record, I've played gigs sick. I've played bars where they put a 5 gallon bucket behind a PA speaker so I could vomit into it mid-set. It sucks. And it sucks even harder when there are all of five people that came out to see you and your shiatty band. But if the guy is genuinely ill then kudos to him for looking out for himself rather than others that are probably more prone to treating him like a piggy bank.


This, I've done sound work for local bands and often I see them working through some terrible moments and illness...and boy do they work their asses off.

I once ran out to a Walgreen store to get some breathe right strips for a singer who had an upper respiratory infection; also got him some antibiotics from a veterinarian. Who knew, scripts for horses work well for humans too?
 
2013-03-11 11:25:15 PM
i1282.photobucket.com
oi26.tinypic.com

Hmmm.....
 
2013-03-11 11:56:58 PM
Someone punch this girl squarely in the throat and shut her up forever.

Even getting press from The Onion is too much.
 
2013-03-11 11:58:31 PM

jso2897: Skarekrough: Gig103: That's great, I hope someone shows it to him. he's worth $100 million, rakes in truckloads of cash to sing, and has to cancel shows? He needs some perspective.

Perhaps.

The career lifespan of a teeny-bopper artist is damned near a microsecond.  I''m not white-knighting the guy (I hate his stuff) but he has managed to actually maintain it for a significant span of time.

Is $100 million enough?  Maybe he actually thinks it is.

For the record, I've played gigs sick.  I've played bars where they put a 5 gallon bucket behind a PA speaker so I could vomit into it mid-set. It sucks.  And it sucks even harder when there are all of five people that came out to see you and your shiatty band.  But if the guy is genuinely ill then kudos to him for looking out for himself rather than others that are probably more prone to treating him like a piggy bank.

Ah, good times. What a wonderful way to not make a living. My personal fave was some dive in Fresno we played where we had to play inside a chain link cage. And yes - by the end of the evening it had become abundantly evident that the cage was a very good idea.


Are you Jake or Elwood?
 
2013-03-12 12:07:12 AM
check out the woe is me, Turn The Page road weary hard cases with the hard working do or die the show must go on war stories. big props to you all, you make the rockin' world go 'round. meanwhile Justin Bieber is riding in limousines & private planes with a full staff to see to his every need. the poor thing is just going through puberty, that's all.
 
2013-03-12 12:32:47 AM
His teen idol career has lasted longer b/c he appears to have that Gary Coleman disease. I don't think he has pubes.
 
2013-03-12 12:36:27 AM
The nice thing is his dad bought him a MV Agusta F3, which, if he rides it on The Snake, should hopefully accelerate his early demise. Just remember Biebs, back protectors, gloves, and full face helmets are for pussies.
 
2013-03-12 12:41:47 AM

ruta: I almost feel sorry for the little fella.


'almost' being the operative word here.
 
2013-03-12 12:50:39 AM
Always amazes me that people pay for that.    Must be mass hypnosis or something.
 
2013-03-12 01:02:11 AM

Skarekrough: I've played bars where they put a 5 gallon bucket behind a PA speaker so I could vomit into it mid-set. It sucks.


Yeah, playing in a Metallica cover band is no way to go through life, son.
 
2013-03-12 01:03:29 AM

jso2897: Ah, good times. What a wonderful way to not make a living. My personal fave was some dive in Fresno we played where we had to play inside a chain link cage. And yes - by the end of the evening it had become abundantly evident that the cage was a very good idea.


And then you and Elwood got chased by the Good Old Boys and Princess Leia almost blew you up!

Good times, good times.
 
2013-03-12 01:07:50 AM

3rdtimearound: ruta: I almost feel sorry for the little fella.

'almost' being the operative word here.


I don't think I could ever feel sorry for someone like him. He's gotten everything he's wanted in life, with seemingly very little effort. Now all he does is whine about it. He was apparently too stupid to realize that being rich and famous means you've got people taking your picture all the time.
 
2013-03-12 02:16:21 AM

Mugato: GarbageDay: Hey, hey, Axl would never cancel shows. He'd just go on four hours late and leave early.

Yeah you're right, my bad.

/attended GnR/Metallica, 1992
//Axl was at least 3 hours late


I saw them in 92 as well and Axl walked off the stage 40 minutes into the set. At least Brian May put on a good opening act. There was no refund.
 
2013-03-12 02:41:51 AM
So why did they post a pic of the woman from Roxette with that article?

o.onionstatic.comimages.starpulse.com
 
2013-03-12 03:24:52 AM
This kid will join some sort of Super Group as the lead singer here in a few years.

They will kick ass.
 
2013-03-12 03:32:00 AM
His appeal is like the Monkees and other mostly androgynous singers and bands before him -- he's not too masculine, he's pretty in a liminal way, and is totally non-threatening.  (Think Lisa Simpson with her 'non-threatening boys' magazine.)  He gives his fans - at least the true teeny-boppers - a safe place to explore their budding sexuality, if extremely tentatively.  He's very girly, is non-muscular, looks like he's thirteen.  Instant teen idol.

But he's gonna look weird once he hits 30.  He'll still be tiny and scrawny, and his face will be aging.  And, of course, his fan base will have aged into much more mature stuff, while the current crop of young girls will have no need for him.  With any luck he'll still be a multi-multi-millionaire, or maybe it will all be gone by then.  Regardless, he'll be a Trivial Pursuit answer.  No one's pretending his music will last.
 
2013-03-12 06:14:33 AM

jso2897: Ah, good times. What a wonderful way to not make a living. My personal fave was some dive in Fresno we played where we had to play inside a chain link cage. And yes - by the end of the evening it had become abundantly evident that the cage was a very good idea.


Shoulda just played the Theme From "Rawhide"
 
2013-03-12 06:49:33 AM

Scorpitron is reduced to a thin red paste: His appeal is like the Monkees and other mostly androgynous singers and bands before him -- he's not too masculine, he's pretty in a liminal way, and is totally non-threatening.  (Think Lisa Simpson with her 'non-threatening boys' magazine.)  He gives his fans - at least the true teeny-boppers - a safe place to explore their budding sexuality, if extremely tentatively.  He's very girly, is non-muscular, looks like he's thirteen.  Instant teen idol.

But he's gonna look weird once he hits 30.  He'll still be tiny and scrawny, and his face will be aging.  And, of course, his fan base will have aged into much more mature stuff, while the current crop of young girls will have no need for him.  With any luck he'll still be a multi-multi-millionaire, or maybe it will all be gone by then.  Regardless, he'll be a Trivial Pursuit answer.  No one's pretending his music will last.


I dunno, when I was a pre teen NSYNC and Britney Spears were my era's Justin Beiber, but Timberlake and Spears both stuck around. He could either pull a Vanilla Ice or a Justin Timberlake, too early for me to tell.
 
2013-03-12 07:08:27 AM
I want to print this article out and distribute it to my Block 1 students. My freshmen girls love Biebs.

/They sing it in the halls
//Kill me.
 
2013-03-12 07:10:37 AM

ozarkmatt: This kid will join some sort of Super Group as the lead singer here in a few years.

They will kick ass.


In 30 years, he's gonna be remembered as this generation's Bob Dylan. I hope I'm dead before that.
 
2013-03-12 07:13:15 AM
They called him a coont?
 
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