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(US News)   'Fifty Shades' author to publish writing guide. This is like Nickelback offering piano lessons   (usnews.com) divider line 61
    More: Stupid, Nickelback  
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627 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 11 Mar 2013 at 12:06 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-03-11 11:45:49 AM
My inner goddess simply cannot hold back her elation at the thought of improving her writing skills!

fark.
 
2013-03-11 11:56:42 AM
I saw a copy of that book in the grocery store the other day.

It was $16!

$16!
 
2013-03-11 11:59:37 AM
...and those who can't - teach.
 
2013-03-11 12:09:18 PM
And how many copies of your book have you sold, critics?

Danielle Steele it ain't, but people still love it and are buying it in droves. Whether you think she's a terrible writer or not, the verdict is in. She's got an audience and is making tons of money pandering to it.
 
2013-03-11 12:13:08 PM

AverageAmericanGuy: And how many copies of your book have you sold, critics?

Danielle Steele it ain't, but people still love it and are buying it in droves. Whether you think she's a terrible writer or not, the verdict is in. She's got an audience and is making tons of money pandering to it.


So, then, it should be a marketing guide or a self-publishing guide, not a writing guide.  It's not only me that thinks she is a terrible writer, but most of her fans think so, too.  Sales does not equal writing skill.
 
2013-03-11 12:13:18 PM

AverageAmericanGuy: And how many copies of your book have you sold, critics?

Danielle Steele it ain't, but people still love it and are buying it in droves. Whether you think she's a terrible writer or not, the verdict is in. She's got an audience and is making tons of money pandering to it.


i2.ytimg.com
 
2013-03-11 12:13:56 PM
Headline made me cringe, subby. Good job.
 
2013-03-11 12:15:24 PM
Well, her target audience can't read and she can't write so it's kind of perfect.
 
2013-03-11 12:17:24 PM
Phase 1: Write erotic fan fiction based on a story that's so poorly written there's nowhere to go but up.
Phase 2: ???
Phase 3: Profit!
 
2013-03-11 12:21:44 PM
Meh
 
2013-03-11 12:22:55 PM
Some of you more literary types should take note that some of your favorite authors were despised while they were alive. A true merit of a writer is how well the works stand up after they are dead. I think 50 Shades has the staying power to be part of the culture for years to come. In fact, I think it will be noted as a defining moment in literature, along the lines of the Hemingway and Kerouac.
 
2013-03-11 12:23:51 PM

Strategeryz0r: Phase 1: Write erotic fan fiction based on a story that's so poorly written there's nowhere to go but up.
Phase 2: ???
Phase 3: Profit!


This. Twilight is the only book I've ever read that made me angry at myself for having read it.
 
2013-03-11 12:23:54 PM

Gifted Many Few: Some of you more literary types should take note that some of your favorite authors were despised while they were alive. A true merit of a writer is how well the works stand up after they are dead. I think 50 Shades has the staying power to be part of the culture for years to come. In fact, I think it will be noted as a defining moment in literature, along the lines of the Hemingway and Kerouac.


8/10

If you get a bite the score shall be re-evaluated. It's still a great attempt regardless.
 
2013-03-11 12:26:39 PM

Gifted Many Few: Some of you more literary types should take note that some of your favorite authors were despised while they were alive. A true merit of a writer is how well the works stand up after they are dead. I think 50 Shades has the staying power to be part of the culture for years to come. In fact, I think it will be noted as a defining moment in literature, along the lines of the Hemingway and Kerouac.


What you did, its there and I see it
 
2013-03-11 12:31:22 PM

Gifted Many Few: I think 50 Shades has the staying power to be part of the culture for years to come.


I agree.  That's what makes me sad.
 
2013-03-11 12:31:46 PM
"Within no time, I could feel the shiatty magician's wax oozing from my soft tight anus and all over my clap flaps. Hours of farking like this would leave any girl's fishy flaps looking like a ripped out fireplace, and I was no different! The slamming makes me pour my sex wee all over his ramrod. He munched on my spam castanets, even though I'd had the painters in for the best part of a week. Inserting a footlong fudge bullet into my clunge pool got me splurging spaff faster than a greased weasel shiat."
 
2013-03-11 12:34:36 PM

Charlie Chingas: "Within no time, I could feel the shiatty magician's wax oozing from my soft tight anus and all over my clap flaps. Hours of farking like this would leave any girl's fishy flaps looking like a ripped out fireplace, and I was no different! The slamming makes me pour my sex wee all over his ramrod. He munched on my spam castanets, even though I'd had the painters in for the best part of a week. Inserting a footlong fudge bullet into my clunge pool got me splurging spaff faster than a greased weasel shiat."


You advance is in the mail, we hope you can get us a full manuscript by the end of this year
 
2013-03-11 12:55:17 PM
Her writing is bad, but not outstandingly bad; just your typical romance dreck sold in every corner drugstore, but her writing garners more notoriety because it sold. Still, she has no business writing a book on writing.
 
2013-03-11 01:02:26 PM

Charlie Chingas: "Within no time, I could feel the shiatty magician's wax oozing from my soft tight anus and all over my clap flaps. Hours of farking like this would leave any girl's fishy flaps looking like a ripped out fireplace, and I was no different! The slamming makes me pour my sex wee all over his ramrod. He munched on my spam castanets, even though I'd had the painters in for the best part of a week. Inserting a footlong fudge bullet into my clunge pool got me splurging spaff faster than a greased weasel shiat."


Spam castanets is going to become part of my vernacular. I can't stop giggling.
 
2013-03-11 01:10:42 PM
Would it help to think of it as a guide to what not to do?
 
2013-03-11 01:11:43 PM
A lot of farkers have evidently read this book for women.  That's shocking.

Why comment on her writing?  No one has ever claimed Fifty Shades was competing  Gunter Grass for a Pulitzer.
 
2013-03-11 01:23:45 PM
Didn't she steal huge chunks of it from twilight fanfics people had posted online, or something? I swear I remember hearing that, though it could very well have been a rumor.
 
2013-03-11 01:25:18 PM

AverageAmericanGuy: And how many copies of your book have you sold, critics?


It doesn't matter.

"Let's see you do better" is never, ever a good response. You don't need to have master chef skills to know when you're eating bad food. You don't need to be a guitar virtuoso to know when you're hearing someone who can't play. You don't need to have the talent of a major league ballplayer to recognize a flubbed play. You don't need to be a good actor yourself to see how awful the acting in Birdemic is. And so on and so forth.

Whether or not critics of this book have sold books doesn't matter. The ONLY thing all her sales say is that it became very popular. Doesn't say a whit about whether or not the work is good, and you don't need to have written a bestseller yourself in order to pass judgment.

"Let's see you do better" is never, ever a good response.
 
2013-03-11 01:38:49 PM

AverageAmericanGuy: And how many copies of your book have you sold, critics?


And this will be a good time to plug my own book.  http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00AVRNTEQ
It's about why sex is so easy, but saying I love you is so hard. I only need about 2,000,000 sales to catch up to fifty shades so c'mon people, help me out here.
 
2013-03-11 01:39:40 PM

shoegaze99: AverageAmericanGuy: And how many copies of your book have you sold, critics?

It doesn't matter.

"Let's see you do better" is never, ever a good response. You don't need to have master chef skills to know when you're eating bad food. You don't need to be a guitar virtuoso to know when you're hearing someone who can't play. You don't need to have the talent of a major league ballplayer to recognize a flubbed play. You don't need to be a good actor yourself to see how awful the acting in Birdemic is. And so on and so forth.

Whether or not critics of this book have sold books doesn't matter. The ONLY thing all her sales say is that it became very popular. Doesn't say a whit about whether or not the work is good, and you don't need to have written a bestseller yourself in order to pass judgment.

"Let's see you do better" is never, ever a good response.


It was a perfect trap for that dildo in the Adam Sandler movies, who got a prodigious smackdown from Roger Ebert for trying to play that card.
 
2013-03-11 01:56:26 PM
Also like Taylor Swift being a marriage counselor.
 
2013-03-11 02:04:04 PM
Either of them (E. L. James or Nickelback) could write a book called, "How to create crap that sells."

The criticism of their work may be entirely justified, but they're still laughing all the way to the bank.
 
2013-03-11 02:31:02 PM
I don't know. On the one hand, producing masses of the literary equivalent of cheap cheeseburgers for millions of consumers seems attractive, given the financial rewards. On the other, writing it must feel a little like taking your clothes off for money and lying prone while choking back tears, hoping you won't end up with a neurological disease later in life.
 
2013-03-11 02:31:27 PM
'Fifty Shades' author to publish writing guide.

This is like Nickelback offering piano song writing lessons

A more apt analogy.
 
2013-03-11 02:45:58 PM

3rdtimearound: I don't know. On the one hand, producing masses of the literary equivalent of cheap cheeseburgers for millions of consumers seems attractive, given the financial rewards. On the other, writing it must feel a little like taking your clothes off for money and lying prone while choking back tears, hoping you won't end up with a neurological disease later in life.


I find the key to writing romance/erotica for money is to post under a pseydo... pseudono... fake name.  That way your real writing doesn't get tagged as 'crap by that porn writer who's too lazy to look up how to spell pseudonym.'

/my writing may be crap for other reasons
//but you will have to buy it first to find out
 
2013-03-11 02:46:33 PM
It's a "journal" with "lined pages" and a "few tips". I'm assuming the tips are along the lines of: "So you want to be a writer? Set some time aside each day and write."

Would only be interested if this was a book about marketing crappy books.
 
2013-03-11 02:46:36 PM
1. Take something popular.
2. Make the same thing, but put a lotta sex in it.
3. Profit.


Hey, this reads like the "How to Make a Porno" book for some reason.
 
2013-03-11 02:48:07 PM
In other news...  This is in U.S. News and World Report?  Seriously?  I haven't read it in years - is this what they do now?

/you used to not be cool, and you didn't try to be cool either
//it was actually what we liked about you
 
2013-03-11 03:01:28 PM

K.B.O. Winston: 3rdtimearound: I don't know. On the one hand, producing masses of the literary equivalent of cheap cheeseburgers for millions of consumers seems attractive, given the financial rewards. On the other, writing it must feel a little like taking your clothes off for money and lying prone while choking back tears, hoping you won't end up with a neurological disease later in life.

I find the key to writing romance/erotica for money is to post under a pseydo... pseudono... fake name.  That way your real writing doesn't get tagged as 'crap by that porn writer who's too lazy to look up how to spell pseudonym.'

/my writing may be crap for other reasons
//but you will have to buy it first to find out


It's really tempting, I admit. Still, someone is always going to find out at some point, and I'd have to live with myself and not have to look in the mirror and  see some degenerate hack staring back.  Well, too late for that, but still, I wouldn't want the world to know.

/not going to be rich and famous
 
2013-03-11 03:07:46 PM

Charlie Chingas: "Within no time, I could feel the shiatty magician's wax oozing from my soft tight anus and all over my clap flaps. Hours of farking like this would leave any girl's fishy flaps looking like a ripped out fireplace, and I was no different! The slamming makes me pour my sex wee all over his ramrod. He munched on my spam castanets, even though I'd had the painters in for the best part of a week. Inserting a footlong fudge bullet into my clunge pool got me splurging spaff faster than a greased weasel shiat."


I'm sorry, but this can't possibly be the work of John Travolta in Drag E.L. James.  That's because she wrote an entire trilogy about being a sex slave that didn't ever get farked.
 
2013-03-11 03:13:35 PM

K.B.O. Winston: 3rdtimearound: I don't know. On the one hand, producing masses of the literary equivalent of cheap cheeseburgers for millions of consumers seems attractive, given the financial rewards. On the other, writing it must feel a little like taking your clothes off for money and lying prone while choking back tears, hoping you won't end up with a neurological disease later in life.

I find the key to writing romance/erotica for money is to post under a pseydo... pseudono... fake name.  That way your real writing doesn't get tagged as 'crap by that porn writer who's too lazy to look up how to spell pseudonym.'

/my writing may be crap for other reasons
//but you will have to buy it first to find out


Did you write Naked Came the Stranger?
 
2013-03-11 03:19:01 PM
Only thing that matter is: did it make any MONEY. This is America, subby, learn the rules.
 
2013-03-11 03:23:59 PM

FriarReb98: Charlie Chingas: "Within no time, I could feel the shiatty magician's wax oozing from my soft tight anus and all over my clap flaps. Hours of farking like this would leave any girl's fishy flaps looking like a ripped out fireplace, and I was no different! The slamming makes me pour my sex wee all over his ramrod. He munched on my spam castanets, even though I'd had the painters in for the best part of a week. Inserting a footlong fudge bullet into my clunge pool got me splurging spaff faster than a greased weasel shiat."

I'm sorry, but this can't possibly be the work of John Travolta in Drag E.L. James.  That's because she wrote an entire trilogy about being a sex slave that didn't ever get farked.


So you're the one guy who read this tripe? I kid, I kid. So, she never got farked? Not even in the butt? What about the monthly murder scene sex? Say it isn't so!!!

Here's more. Just for you...

"After having my vibrator crater hammered, he then proceeded to plow my mavis fritter. The unrelenting orgasms from his bald avenger pounding my one slice toaster made me come so hard, I began sweating like a gypsy near an unlocked shipping container. The seemingly never-ending streams of cock custard emanating from his bald-headed yogurt slinger soon had me coated like a plasterer's radio. The mixture of butt nugget and ectoplasm in my black hole created the delicious rectoplasm that he was so fond of. The slamming makes me ejects my minge monsoon all over his spunk-filled spam rocket."

/I can't take credit for this, though.
//http://www.fiftyshadesgenerator.com/
 
2013-03-11 03:34:54 PM

Charlie Chingas: FriarReb98: Charlie Chingas: "Within no time, I could feel the shiatty magician's wax oozing from my soft tight anus and all over my clap flaps. Hours of farking like this would leave any girl's fishy flaps looking like a ripped out fireplace, and I was no different! The slamming makes me pour my sex wee all over his ramrod. He munched on my spam castanets, even though I'd had the painters in for the best part of a week. Inserting a footlong fudge bullet into my clunge pool got me splurging spaff faster than a greased weasel shiat."

I'm sorry, but this can't possibly be the work of John Travolta in Drag E.L. James.  That's because she wrote an entire trilogy about being a sex slave that didn't ever get farked.

So you're the one guy who read this tripe? I kid, I kid. So, she never got farked? Not even in the butt? What about the monthly murder scene sex? Say it isn't so!!!

Here's more. Just for you...

"After having my vibrator crater hammered, he then proceeded to plow my mavis fritter. The unrelenting orgasms from his bald avenger pounding my one slice toaster made me come so hard, I began sweating like a gypsy near an unlocked shipping container. The seemingly never-ending streams of cock custard emanating from his bald-headed yogurt slinger soon had me coated like a plasterer's radio. The mixture of butt nugget and ectoplasm in my black hole created the delicious rectoplasm that he was so fond of. The slamming makes me ejects my minge monsoon all over his spunk-filled spam rocket."

/I can't take credit for this, though.
//http://www.fiftyshadesgenerator.com/


weknowmemes.com
 
2013-03-11 03:59:09 PM
Great sub subby!
 
2013-03-11 04:08:05 PM
I'm not sure how EL James feels about the success of 50 shades, nor do I care... but I can guarantee you that there's a publishing marketing exec somewhere in the world that KNOWS he or she is a genius in the field of marketing.
 
2013-03-11 04:25:04 PM

AverageAmericanGuy: And how many copies of your book have you sold, critics?

Danielle Steele it ain't, but people still love it and are buying it in droves. Whether you think she's a terrible writer or not, the verdict is in. She's got an audience and is making tons of money pandering to it.


Yes, and porn producers are selling movies because of the great scripts and high production values.

Making tons of money does not good writing make. When you're writing a romance novel (which are just written porn) with an unusual fetish twist, the writing isn't the important part, the sex is.
 
2013-03-11 04:51:32 PM

douchebag/hater: 'Fifty Shades' author to publish writing guide.

This is like Nickelback offering piano song writing lessons

A more apt analogy.


i18.photobucket.com
Nickelback, you see, has no keyboardist in their lineup.
 
2013-03-11 04:56:51 PM
Fifty shades is just a mark on the meter when I date a new girl.
If she says, Oh, did you ever read fifty shades of gray?
It's like a lot lower on the "will date again " meter than if she says, "Did you see "the secretary"?"
which is lower than if she asks, "Did you ever read Rice's Beauty series?"
Which is lower than if she just farking leans over the damned dinner table, drips wax from the candle on her wrists, and says, "Would you like to know what my safe word is?"

Because, I'm not going to waste my time with a freaking tourist.
 
2013-03-11 05:38:06 PM
 
2013-03-11 06:20:53 PM
If book sales aren't the goal of writing your book, what are you doing wasting your time?
 
2013-03-11 06:50:03 PM

AverageAmericanGuy: If book sales aren't the goal of writing your book, what are you doing wasting your time?


Nice work. The first one was a 9/10, bumped down to a 8/10 only because this reveal is a mere 6/10.

Otherwise, excellent show in this thread.
 
2013-03-11 07:35:45 PM
All you need for a best seller is to write a book targeted at barely literate adults with an outcast Mary Sue character that wins at an appropriate metaphor for high school using special gifts that everyone else overlooked or can't see. If the last line of your book can't be "I TOLD YOU SO AND NOW YOU'RE ALL SORRY BECAUSE NOW I AM WAAAY TOO COOL TO HANG OUT WITH YOU" then you'll never make it in the self-publishing biz, buddy.
 
2013-03-11 08:19:06 PM
My old go-to for Fifty Shades threads was the clip of Gilbert Gottfried reading it.

Until I found this...Six Grown Men Read Fifty Shades of Grey

The sadly ironic part is that you can make any over-the-top voice read it and it's still just as awful, but at least it's funny when Zoidberg does it.
 
2013-03-11 09:37:08 PM
I haven't read it, but I know it started as a Twilight fan-fiction and later had its Twilight connections removed for the official published version.

The internet is practically inundated with thousands upon thousands of horrible erotic Twilight fanfics. There's something to be said about how one managed to stand out above the rest. It must be good in some way or another. I'll never know, though.
 
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