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(The New York Times)   Vatican: 'We want a Pope that is full of charisma and has an incredible grasp of how to manipulate the media for self-promotion.' If they add 'can't throw a football to save his life,' Tim Tebow might have found his next career   (nytimes.com) divider line 87
    More: Followup, Vatican, John Paul II, good governance, Federico Lombardi, Catholic teachings, charisma, pope, football  
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1665 clicks; posted to Main » on 08 Mar 2013 at 11:43 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-03-08 12:21:09 PM

born_yesterday: FTFA:Before Wednesday, when they stopped giving interviews, the cardinals frequently cited attributes the church now needs: a compelling communicator who wins souls through both his words and his holy bearing, and a fearless sheriff who can tackle the disarray and scandal in the Vatican.

Having quite the time finding one that hasn't been involved in a child scandal, huh?  It's OK, just find one that will keep blaming those sexy, sexy children for their assaults, then stand firm against the immorality of homosexuals.  It's been working great so far!


People STILL give them money.  That's all they care about.
 
2013-03-08 12:21:25 PM
img.photobucket.com
 
2013-03-08 12:22:58 PM

Molavian: cptjeff: simplicimus: Since the only requirement for the Papacy is to have been baptized Catholic, I nominate James Carville.

I need a better job, and was baptized Catholic. That would be a fun one. Would they like a liberal, mostly irreligious Quaker?

What's your stance on homosexuality?


Baptized catholic and I'm gayer that a catholic priest.
 
2013-03-08 12:27:14 PM

sendbillmoney: I want a pope with the right allocations, who's fast and thorough and sharp as a tack...I want a pope with a short surplice and a long cassock.


SMOOTH CONSECRATION!
 
2013-03-08 12:29:26 PM
I know this has a snowball's chance in hell of happening, but what about Guy Consolmagno? Got his B.A. and his M.A. at MIT. Ph.D. at Arizone. Works for the Vatican Observatory. Hates Intelligent Design calls it "a kind of paganism". Believes science and religion need to work together. Even has an asteroid named after him.
 
2013-03-08 12:30:29 PM

Pentaxian: I know this has a snowball's chance in hell of happening, but what about Guy Consolmagno? Got his B.A. and his M.A. at MIT. Ph.D. at Arizone. Works for the Vatican Observatory. Hates Intelligent Design calls it "a kind of paganism". Believes science and religion need to work together. Even has an asteroid named after him.


He should quit the superstition and get a job.
 
2013-03-08 12:30:50 PM

Master Sphincter: Can't we all agree that "celibate" horny old men should not be allowed to be alone with minors. Catholics, Evangelicals... Rabbis. They all get horny and they all have interests that keep them from farking hot women, so I will keep my distance.
Thank you


Rabbis are not celibate. In fact, they are encouraged and sometimes required to marry. I'd say your statement falls flat on its face...

As for Evangelicals ... they are encouraged to marry, but that's only so they can provide a "family values" front, while they bone their mistresses and proposition young boys and men in bathrooms...
 
2013-03-08 12:32:06 PM

jaytkay: JeffreyScott: The younger, more charismatic candidates, are more likely to be more liberal on social issues, which will make it difficult for them to get the needed support from the cardinals who will select the candidate.

Which makes an African pope a possibility


A black pope?  Only slightly more likely than an American Pope.

Self-awareness is not a common trait among the religious, but presuming they hold to the, "JP II was enough reform for the next 100 years," dogma and still want to appeal to anyone under 50 they need a brown-skinned version of Rick Santorum.  Young, healthy, talks a good game, and as regressive as you can get without being a luddite.
 
2013-03-08 12:32:44 PM
Experience as a Priestofile? Pedopriest? Priestedor? Pedropriest?
 
2013-03-08 12:32:53 PM

gingerjet: Molavian: cptjeff: simplicimus: Since the only requirement for the Papacy is to have been baptized Catholic, I nominate James Carville.

I need a better job, and was baptized Catholic. That would be a fun one. Would they like a liberal, mostly irreligious Quaker?

What's your stance on homosexuality?

Baptized catholic and I'm gayer that a catholic priest.


They will give you a rainbow halo in future paintings.
 
2013-03-08 12:33:38 PM

Snarfangel: Molavian: cptjeff: simplicimus: Since the only requirement for the Papacy is to have been baptized Catholic, I nominate James Carville.

I need a better job, and was baptized Catholic. That would be a fun one. Would they like a liberal, mostly irreligious Quaker?

What's your stance on homosexuality?

To hell with that, what's his stance on oatmeal?


Lumpy.
Let me intorduce myself:
/Pope Humpty XXVII
 
2013-03-08 12:34:59 PM
Finally, a sequel to King Ralph.  Ralph discovers he's related to the pope.  Wacky hijinks ensue as his wife chases him all over the vatican while a secretary plots his demise so he can finally inherit a wing.
 
2013-03-08 12:39:24 PM

Pentaxian: I know this has a snowball's chance in hell of happening, but what about Guy Consolmagno? Got his B.A. and his M.A. at MIT. Ph.D. at Arizone. Works for the Vatican Observatory. Hates Intelligent Design calls it "a kind of paganism". Believes science and religion need to work together. Even has an asteroid named after him.


Current vatican policy is, "John Paul II was a crazy liberal and we need to reign in this 'reform' nonsense."

And here's the thing; when it comes to winning converts worldwide they've got a point.  America and Europe may be dragging themselves out of the muck of retardation and theofacist misogyny but Africa, South America, and the middle east are full of ignorant farks who'll believe just about any nonsense and LIKE that old-time religion of rape, enslavement, puritanical hypocrisy, and ritualized murder.

And those places have populations that are growing instead of shrinking.
 
2013-03-08 12:45:07 PM
The only choice...

ct.fra.bz
 
2013-03-08 12:49:07 PM

TheBigJerk: Pentaxian: I know this has a snowball's chance in hell of happening, but what about Guy Consolmagno? Got his B.A. and his M.A. at MIT. Ph.D. at Arizone. Works for the Vatican Observatory. Hates Intelligent Design calls it "a kind of paganism". Believes science and religion need to work together. Even has an asteroid named after him.

Current vatican policy is, "John Paul II was a crazy liberal and we need to reign in this 'reform' nonsense."

And here's the thing; when it comes to winning converts worldwide they've got a point.  America and Europe may be dragging themselves out of the muck of retardation and theofacist misogyny but Africa, South America, and the middle east are full of ignorant farks who'll believe just about any nonsense and LIKE that old-time religion of rape, enslavement, puritanical hypocrisy, and ritualized murder.

And those places have populations that are growing instead of shrinking.


But that's the thing about a monarchy innit "current Vatican policy" is whatever the guy with the big miter says it is, and as long as he employs food tasters, his approval ratings don;t really matter wither as he's got the gig for life.  John XXIII was supposed to a quiet, caretaker pope, who instead set the church completely on its ear.  JPII was supposed to be a a conservative choice after JP I was ushered out of the frame for being too reform-minded ( I do believe the reports that he was poisoned).  But That didn;t really work out for the church either.  Ratso was as advertised but I strong ly suspect the next guy is gonna suprise a lot of people since there is no clear front-runner, a lot of whacky things can happen in conclave, and after a couple of rounds of split ballots the next thing you know Jon Snow is suddenly Captain of the Night's Watch
 
2013-03-08 12:50:18 PM
I LOL'd at the headline subby.  Bravo!
 
2013-03-08 12:54:23 PM
What would make a good pope.... I wonder.

i.imgur.com
 
2013-03-08 12:55:40 PM
I've already suggested this.
 
2013-03-08 12:57:41 PM
Smeggy Smurf: I never did understand the whole gay is a sin thing.  Adam and Eve only had a couple of men crotchfruit.  Was Cain boning mom to make the human race?  It would explain the state of the world.

So this is an interesting conundrum in real life.

Say a generation is 30 years. So go back one generation, and it took two people to make you - your two parents. Required people = 21

Go back 2 generations, and it took 4 people - your grandparents. Required people = 22

Go back 3 generations, and it took 8 people - your great grandparents. Required people = 23

Go back 4 generations and it took 16 people - your great-great grandparents. Required people = 24

Go back N generations and it took 2N people to make you.

However, this is an exponential function. And here's where it gets weird.

5000 years ago is 167 generations (5000 divided by 30). To make you, it would have required 2167 people having sex to create you.

One slight problem: 2167 is 1.8707221 x 1050. Which is 187 quindecillion people.

However, the total number people who have ever lived is around 110 billion. 1.1 x 1011

WTF Nature?
 
2013-03-08 01:10:04 PM
Oh man, where do I submit my application.  I've got an i9 ready to go and my CV needs about ten minutes to be current.

You'd see such a turn around in the church- three quarters of the Vatican would be ebay-ed in the first twenty minutes.  I'd be all over world hunger I'd - okay I can go on for hours about what I'd do but think -

Charlie Sheen but with GLOBAL REACH

BLUNTS FOR EVERYONE THAT SHOWS UP ON SUNDAY!
don't like it? Fine here's a ticket to SLC or a limo ride to the Scientology HQ, your choice.  Amish land is right down the road Bub.

I'd be like the Dennis Conner of Religion and move the Vatican to Detroit.
Ohhhh man this'd be so farkin cool.

I'd wrench that schitt around so hard there'd be broken necks all over.

think of it - the first Atheist Pope.
 
2013-03-08 01:11:37 PM

JungleBoogie: Smeggy Smurf: I never did understand the whole gay is a sin thing.  Adam and Eve only had a couple of men crotchfruit.  Was Cain boning mom to make the human race?  It would explain the state of the world.

So this is an interesting conundrum in real life.

Say a generation is 30 years. So go back one generation, and it took two people to make you - your two parents. Required people = 21

Go back 2 generations, and it took 4 people - your grandparents. Required people = 22

Go back 3 generations, and it took 8 people - your great grandparents. Required people = 23

Go back 4 generations and it took 16 people - your great-great grandparents. Required people = 24

Go back N generations and it took 2N people to make you.

However, this is an exponential function. And here's where it gets weird.

5000 years ago is 167 generations (5000 divided by 30). To make you, it would have required 2167 people having sex to create you.

One slight problem: 2167 is 1.8707221 x 1050. Which is 187 quindecillion people.

However, the total number people who have ever lived is around 110 billion. 1.1 x 1011

WTF Nature?


Think 'lots and lots of second cousins having sex, and a fair number of first cousins to boot'.
 
2013-03-08 01:18:40 PM
The cardinals' conclave begins Tuesday. Children under 12 admitted free.
 
2013-03-08 01:23:28 PM

JeffreyScott: They have a double problem:

(1) Most of the pool of candidates are old and crusty cardinals who, by their very age, will not be considered charismatic by most of their target audience (younger Catholics).
(2) The younger, more charismatic candidates, are more likely to be more liberal on social issues, which will make it difficult for them to get the needed support from the cardinals who will select the candidate.

Ultimately, I suspect the cardinals will to vote for a old and crusty conservative candidate who lacks charisma, instead of voting for a younger, more liberal, charismatic candidate.


It was my understanding rhat this is the reason benedict got elected. They needed a crusty conservative to be a care taker between jp2 and someone who is younger and more progressive to lead the church long term. The church is going to watch the world pass them by if they don't have some sort of progressive reforms. They are already having trouble putting younger generations in the pews.
 
2013-03-08 01:26:04 PM

jaytkay: Many cardinals have a wide stance.


findthefish: A wide stance...a very wide stance.



A wide stance is the correct answer.
 
2013-03-08 01:43:24 PM

Crocoduck: The whole "not being Catholic" thing might be a sticking point.


They let child rape slide (heck, they even protect you from prosecution of it), so I'm willing to bet religious affiliation wouldn't be much of an issue.
 
2013-03-08 01:44:21 PM
i.imgur.com
 
2013-03-08 01:52:04 PM

WhoopAssWayne: Generation_D: Maybe look for one that hasn't directly been involved with diddling some kids. That'd be a fun place to start, too. But if thats not possible then yeah, get one that is better at steering the media.

If closet homosexuals actually sought help instead of just joining the church as priests, there wouldn't be any diddled kids. This is a  gay problem, not a church problem.

//see how easy that was? slinging mud and projecting your own self-hatred to others is all the atheist liberals can do, you certainly aren't capable of respecting others' beliefs or solving any problems. sling away - that's all you have, nothing more.


See it's not the initial diddling we have an issue with, it's when the upper bosses find out the diddler isn't handed over to the authorities he is promoted and given access to MORE children.

//See how easy it is to spot the fallacy of your argument? Now if you don't mind I have a lot of mud left to sling at a religion that Jesus warned about (putting the mother before the Son and all that, worshipping idols, professing your sins to man and not Jesus)

///not an atheist but very much a liberal
 
2013-03-08 01:59:17 PM
No they don't.

If they did, they'd understand that a media blackout during the only interesting thing they've done in 8 years is backwards farking retarded.

Maybe they mean "We want a Pope with a grasp on how to manipulate the media in 1980s terms, since we're AT LEAST three decades behind everyone else."
 
2013-03-08 02:48:19 PM
My relative in Italy says there's an Italian saying, "a long Pope and then a short Pope" (or words to that effect). Did she make that up, or does English media just not give a fark about the relevant culture?

The idea is, you always alternate long-serving Popes with old guys who hopefully die fast.
 
2013-03-08 04:05:00 PM

JungleBoogie: Smeggy Smurf: I never did understand the whole gay is a sin thing.  Adam and Eve only had a couple of men crotchfruit.  Was Cain boning mom to make the human race?  It would explain the state of the world.

So this is an interesting conundrum in real life.

Say a generation is 30 years. So go back one generation, and it took two people to make you - your two parents. Required people = 21

Go back 2 generations, and it took 4 people - your grandparents. Required people = 22

Go back 3 generations, and it took 8 people - your great grandparents. Required people = 23

Go back 4 generations and it took 16 people - your great-great grandparents. Required people = 24

Go back N generations and it took 2N people to make you.

However, this is an exponential function. And here's where it gets weird.

5000 years ago is 167 generations (5000 divided by 30). To make you, it would have required 2167 people having sex to create you.

One slight problem: 2167 is 1.8707221 x 1050. Which is 187 quindecillion people.

However, the total number people who have ever lived is around 110 billion. 1.1 x 1011

WTF Nature?


Not sure if I'm missing something or you are... But, by my reckoning, the formula is "2 * N" not "2N"...

Back 3 generations, you need your parents, your grandparents, and your great grandparents... I count 6 people there, not 8... 2 * 3, not 23...

Back 4 generations, you only add another 2 people: your great great grandparents, for a total of 8 people, not 16...

So, back 167 generations, you'd only be talking about 334 people total, not your ridiculous amount!
 
2013-03-08 04:08:54 PM

RobSeace: Not sure if I'm missing something or you are...


Nevermind... I obviously am...

Each parent has a set of grandparents! Duh!
 
2013-03-08 04:19:49 PM
I obviously need to start drinking...

/whistleridge had the correct answer to the mystery...
 
2013-03-08 05:56:21 PM
Chrisma
Media manipulation
Self promotion
[x] Catholic

Ohhhh, so close!
farm4.staticflickr.com
 
2013-03-08 05:58:27 PM
More pope non-news?  Have media agencies sent reporters to the Vatican to cover the pope pick story and they are just going to make shiat up to write about every day they stay there until a new pope is actually chosen?  Or did I accidentally tuned into the pope channel?
 
2013-03-08 06:06:34 PM
They told me the Conclave votes God's Will. This sounds like an X Factor pre-interview
 
2013-03-08 06:11:01 PM
Tebow's a Babdist. He'd no more be Pope than he'd be head of the Church of Satan, because both groups are equally hellbound.
 
2013-03-09 04:02:24 AM

WhoopAssWayne: If closet homosexuals actually sought help instead of just joining the church as priests, there wouldn't be any diddled kids. This is a  gay problem, not a church problem


seriously - kill yourself

// if you need help, I humbly offer my assistance, because I care for humanity and you are a stain on my species
 
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