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(io9)   List of the ten least competent time travelers. This fine gentleman next to subby would like to know if Sarah Connor is available for comment   (io9.com) divider line 146
    More: Fail, umbilical cords, gentlemen, solar eclipses, Doc Brown  
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7384 clicks; posted to Geek » on 05 Mar 2013 at 6:22 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-03-05 03:28:58 PM

Forgot the least competent one of all:


i301.photobucket.com


None of the stuff he did when time traveling has worked out. Not. One. Single. Thing.
Thanks, Obama!
 
2013-03-05 03:35:35 PM
I would add Karl Glogauer from Behold the Man to the list. I mean, he kind of did what he set out to do, but he also did what he absolutely did not want to do.
 
2013-03-05 03:44:38 PM
What about Lyle Swann?
 
2013-03-05 04:03:15 PM
This is far from new, but the thing that pissed me off about BTTF3 was that there was a second DeLorean there with a full tank of gas, that Doc had hidden in the mine.  The whole train/88mph thing was completely unnecessary.
 
2013-03-05 04:27:50 PM
Wow.  What about the dude from Voyager! (not Star Trek, the one with the kid)

that guy was useless and knew nothing without his guidebook.  makes you think that they hand out those time travel devices to anyone.
 
2013-03-05 04:29:10 PM
Also, didn't Arthur Dent do a lot of time traveling? I'd hardly call him competent.
 
2013-03-05 05:03:07 PM
I was expecting Janeway.
 
2013-03-05 05:30:19 PM
Least competent?

3.bp.blogspot.com
 
2013-03-05 05:45:54 PM
2.bp.blogspot.com

No hate for Cronocrimenes?
 
2013-03-05 05:52:12 PM
Most Successful

www.highdefdiscnews.com
 
2013-03-05 06:11:16 PM

unyon: This is far from new, but the thing that pissed me off about BTTF3 was that there was a second DeLorean there with a full tank of gas, that Doc had hidden in the mine.  The whole train/88mph thing was completely unnecessary.


Not to mention that if he could build a refrigerator to make ice for his drink he could certainly turn some oil, which was around, into gas to power the car.
 
2013-03-05 06:14:31 PM

Flint Ironstag: unyon: This is far from new, but the thing that pissed me off about BTTF3 was that there was a second DeLorean there with a full tank of gas, that Doc had hidden in the mine.  The whole train/88mph thing was completely unnecessary.

Not to mention that if he could build a refrigerator to make ice for his drink he could certainly turn some oil, which was around, into gas to power the car.


Or he could have been smart from the beginning and put a diesel engine in the f*cking Delorean.
 
2013-03-05 06:15:22 PM

doglover: Most Successful

[www.highdefdiscnews.com image 251x71]


Looks like you should go back in time and rehost the image.
 
2013-03-05 06:25:22 PM
1-8) The cast of sliders.

www.crazyabouttv.com
 
2013-03-05 06:29:28 PM
images4.wikia.nocookie.net?
 
2013-03-05 06:29:31 PM
I could tell the farker never read Time Enough for Love.  Lazarus long didn't have sex with his mother while she was pregnant with him.  His younger self cock-blocked him.  Though he did get some sweet MILF love from Maureen Smith later.
 
2013-03-05 06:30:39 PM
upload.wikimedia.org

upload.wikimedia.org
 
2013-03-05 06:36:13 PM
Fry from Futurama is also one of the oldest people. He got frozen for 1,000 years, went back in time then froze himself another 1,000 years, then lived until the end of the universe, lived through an entirely new universe, then until he was back to the approx. time he initially left.

Biologically, he's mid 30s, but he has witnessed countless billions of years, either frozen or firsthand.
 
2013-03-05 06:37:00 PM
8) Nick Miller, Time Chasers
..........Miller's attempts to prevent this future end up getting alternate versions of him and his girlfriend killed, before Miller manages to destroy the 5 ¾-floppy discs containing the secret of time travel.

In my day we only had 5 1/4 and we were happy with that.
 
2013-03-05 06:37:15 PM
You just put on a period costume, use self-hypnosis and take a snooze in the hotel room with her picture from 100 years ago.

ecx.images-amazon.com


//In the Grand Hotel on Mackinac Island
///on the back there's the hydrofoil ferry in the background
 
2013-03-05 06:37:15 PM

unyon: This is far from new, but the thing that pissed me off about BTTF3 was that there was a second DeLorean there with a full tank of gas, that Doc had hidden in the mine.  The whole train/88mph thing was completely unnecessary.


Doc probably would have drained the fuel before storing it.

lordargent: 1-8) The cast of sliders.

[www.crazyabouttv.com image 525x240]


Not time-travelers. Even that one episode wasn't technically time travel.
 
2013-03-05 06:38:16 PM
Ashton Kutcher,  The Butterfly Effect

So people rag on this movie all the time, but I liked it. Kutcher belongs on this list because he DOES seem to be really bad at time travel, but the movie itself was pretty solid, I thought. Of course, at the same time, I thought Donnie Darko was the most overrated P.O.S. I've ever seen, so there's that.
 
2013-03-05 06:40:13 PM
Yeah .. the list and all of Fark fail for not picking THE most obvious choice.

www.themagazine.ca
 
2013-03-05 06:41:55 PM
Superman is a shiatty time traveler is by traveling back through time in the dumbest way possible. He literally flies around the earth really fast until... it's a few hours earlier? I'm hardly io9's science expert, but I'm pretty sure that's not how that works.

He flies around the earth so fast that the atmospheric drag causes the Earth's rotation to stop and then to proceed backwards for a bit. Kind of a "rewind" of sorts.

Now, I'll grant you that it doesn't make sense that that the Earth spinning in reverse would make everyone walk backwards and vomit up their lunch intact and make newborns climb back into their mommas until we were back before Luthor launched the missles. More likely, it would just cause the sun to slide back towards the east a little bit. Oh, and probably cause tsunamis big enough to wipe out 40% of the land mass in the world. But that's probably it.

And besides, you're writing an article about goddamn time travel. You're really going to suggest that the Superman way of doing it is any more scientifically-invalid than any of the other ones?
 
2013-03-05 06:44:27 PM
NeoCortex42: Not time-travelers. Even that one episode wasn't technically time travel.

You mean that one episode named "As Time Goes By", because that's the episode I had in mind, and a quick google search for a synopsis says "The sliders experience the flow of time like a skipping record: they move through time in the same way as everyone else on this world for a while, and then when the record skips, they quickly jump back in time." and " The two detectives, unaware that the flow of history has been changed, are angry with Quinn for alerting the attempted murderer and spoiling their opportunity to get information out of him."

// so yeah, least competent time travelers ... but as multiverse hoppers, maybe not so bad?
 
2013-03-05 06:45:25 PM

jaylectricity: doglover: Most Successful

[www.highdefdiscnews.com image 251x71]

Looks like you should go back in time and rehost the image.


Time Bandits
 
2013-03-05 06:46:13 PM
"Rob Bricken" is the pen name of John Titor.  He's just trying to distract us.
 
2013-03-05 06:47:57 PM
I made a time machine by plugging my blender into the socket with the polarity reversed.
 
2013-03-05 06:48:20 PM
I wanna say the Doctor, but I'm sure he malfunctioned the Tardis on purpose numerous times.
 
2013-03-05 06:48:28 PM

lordargent: NeoCortex42: Not time-travelers. Even that one episode wasn't technically time travel.

You mean that one episode named "As Time Goes By", because that's the episode I had in mind, and a quick google search for a synopsis says "The sliders experience the flow of time like a skipping record: they move through time in the same way as everyone else on this world for a while, and then when the record skips, they quickly jump back in time." and " The two detectives, unaware that the flow of history has been changed, are angry with Quinn for alerting the attempted murderer and spoiling their opportunity to get information out of him."

// so yeah, least competent time travelers ... but as multiverse hoppers, maybe not so bad?


I was thinking of The Guardian. I completely blanked on As Time Goes By. I guess I'll give you that one episode, but then it would only be the current four Sliders, not all eight.
 
2013-03-05 06:50:20 PM
I was coming here to call the list bullshiat for not listing Lazarus Long, then I RTFA and was shocked.
 
2013-03-05 06:50:51 PM

Uzzah: Superman is a shiatty time traveler is by traveling back through time in the dumbest way possible. He literally flies around the earth really fast until... it's a few hours earlier? I'm hardly io9's science expert, but I'm pretty sure that's not how that works.

He flies around the earth so fast that the atmospheric drag causes the Earth's rotation to stop and then to proceed backwards for a bit. Kind of a "rewind" of sorts.

Now, I'll grant you that it doesn't make sense that that the Earth spinning in reverse would make everyone walk backwards and vomit up their lunch intact and make newborns climb back into their mommas until we were back before Luthor launched the missles. More likely, it would just cause the sun to slide back towards the east a little bit. Oh, and probably cause tsunamis big enough to wipe out 40% of the land mass in the world. But that's probably it.

And besides, you're writing an article about goddamn time travel. You're really going to suggest that the Superman way of doing it is any more scientifically-invalid than any of the other ones?


Try this one on: Superman flew faster than the speed of light, reversing his subjective time. That's why he time-traveled into the past.

/read that in some Fark thread
 
2013-03-05 06:55:49 PM

Omnivorous: "Rob Bricken" is the pen name of John Titor.  He's just trying to distract us.


Obviously... tuturu!

/the microwave is a time machine
 
2013-03-05 06:56:37 PM
unyon: This is far from new, but the thing that pissed me off about BTTF3 was that there was a second DeLorean there with a full tank of gas, that Doc had hidden in the mine. The whole train/88mph thing was completely unnecessary.

Doc is a mad scientist. That is his actual motivation for everything: To do mad science. He doesn't need to do the crazy train thing because of external events; he needs to do it because he's a mad scientist. Do not trust what he says. And that was a bad movie because it was pretty bad.


sxacho: Try this one on: Superman flew faster than the speed of light, reversing his subjective time. That's why he time-traveled into the past.

YES, FFS, that is what happens in the movie. Superman exceeds the speed of light and travels backward through time. He does not spin the Earth the other way, etc. I realize the film is slightly confusing, but it's been out for awhile now, and, really, it's just not that hard to figure out. They probably should have had him fly to the sun and back instead, but they don't have a time machine and can't go back and fix it.

Anyway, that list was fairly stupid. But if you were going to pick a bad Heinlein time-travel novel, the one to pick is The Door Into Summer. Not Really Spoilers: Main character is frozen for a couple of decades, ala Fry. Wakes up, realizes it's the future, and essentially his FIRST thought is that, hey, his pre-pubescent niece is now old enough for him to marry! And he does.
 
2013-03-05 06:56:57 PM

sxacho: Uzzah: Superman is a shiatty time traveler is by traveling back through time in the dumbest way possible. He literally flies around the earth really fast until... it's a few hours earlier? I'm hardly io9's science expert, but I'm pretty sure that's not how that works.

He flies around the earth so fast that the atmospheric drag causes the Earth's rotation to stop and then to proceed backwards for a bit. Kind of a "rewind" of sorts.

Now, I'll grant you that it doesn't make sense that that the Earth spinning in reverse would make everyone walk backwards and vomit up their lunch intact and make newborns climb back into their mommas until we were back before Luthor launched the missles. More likely, it would just cause the sun to slide back towards the east a little bit. Oh, and probably cause tsunamis big enough to wipe out 40% of the land mass in the world. But that's probably it.

And besides, you're writing an article about goddamn time travel. You're really going to suggest that the Superman way of doing it is any more scientifically-invalid than any of the other ones?

Try this one on: Superman flew faster than the speed of light, reversing his subjective time. That's why he time-traveled into the past.

/read that in some Fark thread


I always just assumed that it was Superman traveling back in time and not causing the entire planet to reverse rotation and that somehow causing time to reverse.
 
2013-03-05 06:56:58 PM

RoxtarRyan: Fry from Futurama is also one of the oldest people. He got frozen for 1,000 years, went back in time then froze himself another 1,000 years, then lived until the end of the universe, lived through an entirely new universe, then until he was back to the approx. time he initially left.

Biologically, he's mid 30s, but he has witnessed countless billions of years, either frozen or firsthand.


I love that episode because it's such a mind-fark. His age is technically immeasurable now. He's an out-of-universe observer.
 
2013-03-05 07:02:05 PM

RandomAxe: unyon: This is far from new, but the thing that pissed me off about BTTF3 was that there was a second DeLorean there with a full tank of gas, that Doc had hidden in the mine. The whole train/88mph thing was completely unnecessary.

Doc is a mad scientist. That is his actual motivation for everything: To do mad science. He doesn't need to do the crazy train thing because of external events; he needs to do it because he's a mad scientist. Do not trust what he says. And that was a bad movie because it was pretty bad.


sxacho: Try this one on: Superman flew faster than the speed of light, reversing his subjective time. That's why he time-traveled into the past.

YES, FFS, that is what happens in the movie. Superman exceeds the speed of light and travels backward through time. He does not spin the Earth the other way, etc. I realize the film is slightly confusing, but it's been out for awhile now, and, really, it's just not that hard to figure out. They probably should have had him fly to the sun and back instead, but they don't have a time machine and can't go back and fix it.

Anyway, that list was fairly stupid. But if you were going to pick a bad Heinlein time-travel novel, the one to pick is The Door Into Summer. Not Really Spoilers: Main character is frozen for a couple of decades, ala Fry. Wakes up, realizes it's the future, and essentially his FIRST thought is that, hey, his pre-pubescent niece is now old enough for him to marry! And he does.


I think LL traveling back to ww1 era Kansas, banging his mom, joining the army and getting his ass shot off, thus requiring rescuing by his intelligent space ship and twin female clones of himself is about as bad a time tripping jag as you can get.
 
2013-03-05 07:06:02 PM
gocomics.typepad.com
Worst

images2.dailykos.com
Best
 
2013-03-05 07:07:16 PM

poisonedpawn78: Yeah .. the list and all of Fark fail for not picking THE most obvious choice.

[www.themagazine.ca image 380x510]


They got an "A" on their History final.  Seemed pretty competent to me.
 
2013-03-05 07:10:48 PM

Shostie: Flint Ironstag: unyon: This is far from new, but the thing that pissed me off about BTTF3 was that there was a second DeLorean there with a full tank of gas, that Doc had hidden in the mine.  The whole train/88mph thing was completely unnecessary.

Not to mention that if he could build a refrigerator to make ice for his drink he could certainly turn some oil, which was around, into gas to power the car.

Or he could have been smart from the beginning and put a diesel engine in the f*cking Delorean.


Couldn't have been any worse than that bloody Volvo/Renault engine JZD put in there.
 
2013-03-05 07:12:51 PM

poisonedpawn78: Yeah .. the list and all of Fark fail for not picking THE most obvious choice.

[www.themagazine.ca image 380x510]


They got an A on their assignment, become the basis of a future society, and get to bang hot princesses. I'd say they are somewhat competent at time travel.

/Station
 
2013-03-05 07:17:51 PM

Quantum Apostrophe: [upload.wikimedia.org image 380x543]

[upload.wikimedia.org image 191x300]


I liked Millennium. Really cool idea/  I wish they'd do a decent, big budget, remake. Without the lame, exposition spouting, robot.

/Cheryl Ladd was hot in it as well.
 
2013-03-05 07:19:04 PM
i73.photobucket.com

Time Masheen too obvious?
 
2013-03-05 07:20:22 PM

RandomAxe: sxacho: Try this one on: Superman flew faster than the speed of light, reversing his subjective time. That's why he time-traveled into the past.

YES, FFS, that is what happens in the movie. Superman exceeds the speed of light and travels backward through time. He does not spin the Earth the other way, etc. I realize the film is slightly confusing, but it's been out for awhile now, and, really, it's just not that hard to figure out.


Want to watch that again? Watch the cloud patterns on the globe reverse direction. Then we see events "rewinding." Then Superman peels off, reverses direction, and starts the world spinning back the proper direction again. There's not a lot of ambiguity here...
 
2013-03-05 07:21:24 PM

Mikey1969: Ashton Kutcher,  The Butterfly Effect

So people rag on this movie all the time, but I liked it. Kutcher belongs on this list because he DOES seem to be really bad at time travel, but the movie itself was pretty solid, I thought. Of course, at the same time, I thought Donnie Darko was the most overrated P.O.S. I've ever seen, so there's that.


I liked it too, honestly.

I'm not sure if he's a "bad" time traveler, but he is certainly a bad 'timeline manipulator'.  He was very effective at popping around through time, he just kept screwing things up over and over again as a result.

/Directors cut ending was one of the best alternate endings I've seen
//Far better then just being mean to her
 
2013-03-05 07:24:40 PM
Hold on, TFA says in Superman II he just kissed Lois and made her forget everything.  But I thought he just did the whole Earth-rewind thing again?  Did they make some bastardized version of Superman II and include a ridiculous kiss of amnesia trick or something?
 
2013-03-05 07:29:45 PM

bluorangefyre: Hold on, TFA says in Superman II he just kissed Lois and made her forget everything.  But I thought he just did the whole Earth-rewind thing again?  Did they make some bastardized version of Superman II and include a ridiculous kiss of amnesia trick or something?


There's two versions of Superman II, the theatrical version and the Donner Cut.

I've yet to see the Donner Cut, but I think he tried to take out most of the stupid crap like the giant seran-wrap Superman shield. The amnesia kiss might have been changed as well.
 
2013-03-05 07:30:19 PM

bluorangefyre: Hold on, TFA says in Superman II he just kissed Lois and made her forget everything.  But I thought he just did the whole Earth-rewind thing again?  Did they make some bastardized version of Superman II and include a ridiculous kiss of amnesia trick or something?


The Earth rewind was in Superman I.  The amnesia kiss was in Superman II.
 
2013-03-05 07:30:59 PM

Uzzah: Want to watch that again? Watch the cloud patterns on the globe reverse direction. Then we see events "rewinding." Then Superman peels off, reverses direction, and starts the world spinning back the proper direction again. There's not a lot of ambiguity here...


Yes, but I think the argument is that, by breaking the light-speed barrier, he starts going back in time: which means *The earth would start spinning backwards, because he is going back in time*. The backwards spinning-ness was just the only way they could think to *show* "HEY LOOK! HE'S GOING BACK IN TIME!"
/This is still a shiatty plot device.

The argument is the earth-backwards spinning is caused *by his superluminal time travel*, not the *cause* of the time travel.
 
2013-03-05 07:31:46 PM

AdolfOliverPanties: bluorangefyre: Hold on, TFA says in Superman II he just kissed Lois and made her forget everything.  But I thought he just did the whole Earth-rewind thing again?  Did they make some bastardized version of Superman II and include a ridiculous kiss of amnesia trick or something?

The Earth rewind was in Superman I.  The amnesia kiss was in Superman II.


Yeah I know.  I pretend the Richard Lester version doesn't exist, nor do Superman III or Superman IV.
 
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