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(Toronto Sun)   Al-Qaida introduces "Ask Achmed" column in English with helpful tips on infidel stain removal, goat rearing, how to circumvent NHL cap ceiling   (torontosun.com) divider line 19
    More: Obvious, al-Qaeda, Arabian Peninsula, activists, Islamists  
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6835 clicks; posted to Main » on 03 Mar 2013 at 12:45 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


Archived thread
2013-03-03 01:41:14 PM
5 votes:

Smeggy Smurf: Dear Achmed:

I'm a terrorist scumbag living in a cave filled with underage goats.  How do I avoid raping them?


Dear Smeggy Smurf,

Kiss them full on the mouth first. If they kiss or lick back then it is clearly consensual. Enjoy, and do write again.

Kind regards,

Achmed.


skinink: Dear Achmed:

Someone in my office keeps taking the last cup of coffee without making a new batch. Will killing him allow me to get the 21 women virgins upon my execution?


Dear skinink,

Execution for coffee-related offences is for only the most extreme of militants. Today's new, more modern religious maniac will settle for cutting off of one hand or a bout a vigorous horsewhipping. Be sure to leave at least one working hand that he can use to make the coffee in the future.

Warm regards,

Achmed.


offmymeds: Dear Achmed,

Is it okay to wear white after Ramadan?


Dear offmymeds,

It is acceptable for men only, as white material may become slightly transparent and thus immodest on a woman. if you are a man, feel free to wear white clothing at any time. If you are a woman, what on Earth are you doing writing to a magazine? Report to your father or husband for appropriate punishment immediately.

Love,

Achmed.


Dr.Mxyzptlk.: Dear Achmed.

I just don't care anymore. All the killing for this and that and the insane rules.
To quote a great Rabbi,

"PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER."


Dear Dr. Mxyzptik,

Leaving is not an option. Neither is there or has there ever been such a thing as a "great rabbi." Expect a visit and unintended martyrdom soon.

Big hugs,

Achmed.


TheOther: Dear Achmed.

I want to make a good impression on my 72 virgins, but my bomb vest makes me look fat.

Wat do?


Dear The Other,

Gather the lot of them around and set off your bombs. That's bound to make a very strong impression.

Sweet kisses,

Achmed.
2013-03-03 12:59:40 PM
5 votes:
In Engrish:

img850.imageshack.us
2013-03-03 12:58:19 PM
5 votes:
Dear Achmed,

Is it okay to wear white after Ramadan?
2013-03-03 12:58:59 PM
3 votes:

ZMugg: Smeggy Smurf: Dear Achmed:

I'm a terrorist scumbag living in a cave filled with underage goats.  How do I avoid raping them?

Behead the blasphemer!





Dear submitter,
Although it's permissible to commit rape rape on goats, you must make sure that they are at least 8 years old (not animal years) and you have paid off their parents for the right to commit your holy bangery on the afore mentioned cattle. Oh yes, if it turns out the goats are married, it's ok to gather your friends and stone them to death, even though you are the one who committed the rape rape. Because,you know, they a girls, and they shouldn't have exposed their swinging mammalian teats to you like they did.
2013-03-03 10:56:25 AM
3 votes:
i212.photobucket.com
2013-03-03 01:54:55 PM
2 votes:
Dear Achmed,

I never thought anything like this would ever happen to me. I read AQAP Magazine's Forum section all the time but I always thought the stories were made up, and I never sent in a letter before. But the other night, my wives agreed to dress up as ninjas, just like every other night. But this time they were naked underneath. I didn't see for sure, I just had a feeling. It made me very desirous and ashamed of myself, but it felt so good too. Now I am no longer skeptical about the writers to your Forum.
2013-03-03 12:53:28 PM
2 votes:

Smeggy Smurf: Dear Achmed:

I'm a terrorist scumbag living in a cave filled with underage goats.  How do I avoid raping them?


Behead the blasphemer!
2013-03-03 12:52:50 PM
2 votes:

MOHWowbagger: Really? We're still mad at Salman Rushdie?


That appearance on Seinfeld was unforgivable.
2013-03-03 12:50:45 PM
2 votes:
Dear Achmed:

Someone in my office keeps taking the last cup of coffee without making a new batch. Will killing him allow me to get the 21 women virgins upon my execution?
2013-03-03 06:57:48 PM
1 votes:

8Fingers: Is that supposed to represent a gay dude pukeing after spending to much time on their knees at the glory hole?


Well the Taliban told me it isn't against the Koran if I puke the mullah's jizz back up.
2013-03-03 05:01:01 PM
1 votes:
Dear Achmed,
My wife's pubic mound reminds me too much of Osama's beard. Is there a way I can convince her that the Koran's ban on shaving pertains only to men?

Sincerely,
Durka Durka Fatwah Jihad

P.S. Death to America!
2013-03-03 03:34:26 PM
1 votes:
Guys. Can we not blow this up into something that it isn"t?
2013-03-03 02:00:06 PM
1 votes:
Salman Rushdie's at it again with a new book -


Buddha, You Fat Bastard


due out in paperback in June
2013-03-03 01:34:46 PM
1 votes:
Particularly pleased to find Tasty Pork Recipes at the bottom of the page. Finger-tip-biting good!
2013-03-03 01:33:42 PM
1 votes:

ciberido: FloydA: Goat "rearing"?  Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

It has to be that way.  A goat will nibble on anything.


i143.photobucket.com
2013-03-03 01:25:23 PM
1 votes:
Dear Achmed.

I want to make a good impression on my 72 virgins, but my bomb vest makes me look fat.

Wat do?
2013-03-03 01:08:55 PM
1 votes:
Approves.

fc02.deviantart.net
2013-03-03 01:07:46 PM
1 votes:
It's not goat rearing you son of a running dog. It's rear ending goats. Get your terminology straight infidel!!
2013-03-03 12:49:52 PM
1 votes:
Mutten to see here, move along.
 
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