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(Toronto Sun)   Al-Qaida introduces "Ask Achmed" column in English with helpful tips on infidel stain removal, goat rearing, how to circumvent NHL cap ceiling   (torontosun.com) divider line 2
    More: Obvious, al-Qaeda, Arabian Peninsula, activists, Islamists  
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6840 clicks; posted to Main » on 03 Mar 2013 at 12:45 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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Archived thread
2013-03-03 01:41:14 PM  
1 votes:

Smeggy Smurf: Dear Achmed:

I'm a terrorist scumbag living in a cave filled with underage goats.  How do I avoid raping them?


Dear Smeggy Smurf,

Kiss them full on the mouth first. If they kiss or lick back then it is clearly consensual. Enjoy, and do write again.

Kind regards,

Achmed.


skinink: Dear Achmed:

Someone in my office keeps taking the last cup of coffee without making a new batch. Will killing him allow me to get the 21 women virgins upon my execution?


Dear skinink,

Execution for coffee-related offences is for only the most extreme of militants. Today's new, more modern religious maniac will settle for cutting off of one hand or a bout a vigorous horsewhipping. Be sure to leave at least one working hand that he can use to make the coffee in the future.

Warm regards,

Achmed.


offmymeds: Dear Achmed,

Is it okay to wear white after Ramadan?


Dear offmymeds,

It is acceptable for men only, as white material may become slightly transparent and thus immodest on a woman. if you are a man, feel free to wear white clothing at any time. If you are a woman, what on Earth are you doing writing to a magazine? Report to your father or husband for appropriate punishment immediately.

Love,

Achmed.


Dr.Mxyzptlk.: Dear Achmed.

I just don't care anymore. All the killing for this and that and the insane rules.
To quote a great Rabbi,

"PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER."


Dear Dr. Mxyzptik,

Leaving is not an option. Neither is there or has there ever been such a thing as a "great rabbi." Expect a visit and unintended martyrdom soon.

Big hugs,

Achmed.


TheOther: Dear Achmed.

I want to make a good impression on my 72 virgins, but my bomb vest makes me look fat.

Wat do?


Dear The Other,

Gather the lot of them around and set off your bombs. That's bound to make a very strong impression.

Sweet kisses,

Achmed.
2013-03-03 11:14:11 AM  
1 votes:
Thanks but I've forgotten more about goat rearing than....perhaps I've said too much.
 
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