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(Toronto Sun)   Al-Qaida introduces "Ask Achmed" column in English with helpful tips on infidel stain removal, goat rearing, how to circumvent NHL cap ceiling   (torontosun.com) divider line 53
    More: Obvious, al-Qaeda, Arabian Peninsula, activists, Islamists  
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6837 clicks; posted to Main » on 03 Mar 2013 at 12:45 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



53 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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2013-03-03 10:56:25 AM
i212.photobucket.com
 
2013-03-03 11:14:11 AM
Thanks but I've forgotten more about goat rearing than....perhaps I've said too much.
 
2013-03-03 11:34:00 AM
Goat "rearing"?  Is that what the kids are calling it these days?
 
2013-03-03 12:46:49 PM
Dear Achmed:

I'm a terrorist scumbag living in a cave filled with underage goats.  How do I avoid raping them?
 
2013-03-03 12:49:52 PM
Mutten to see here, move along.
 
2013-03-03 12:50:45 PM
Dear Achmed:

Someone in my office keeps taking the last cup of coffee without making a new batch. Will killing him allow me to get the 21 women virgins upon my execution?
 
2013-03-03 12:50:47 PM
Really? We're still mad at Salman Rushdie?
 
2013-03-03 12:52:50 PM

MOHWowbagger: Really? We're still mad at Salman Rushdie?


That appearance on Seinfeld was unforgivable.
 
2013-03-03 12:53:28 PM

Smeggy Smurf: Dear Achmed:

I'm a terrorist scumbag living in a cave filled with underage goats.  How do I avoid raping them?


Behead the blasphemer!
 
2013-03-03 12:57:42 PM

SpdrJay: MOHWowbagger: Really? We're still mad at Salman Rushdie?

Any appearance on Seinfeld is unforgivable.


FTFY
 
2013-03-03 12:58:19 PM
Dear Achmed,

Is it okay to wear white after Ramadan?
 
2013-03-03 12:58:59 PM

ZMugg: Smeggy Smurf: Dear Achmed:

I'm a terrorist scumbag living in a cave filled with underage goats.  How do I avoid raping them?

Behead the blasphemer!





Dear submitter,
Although it's permissible to commit rape rape on goats, you must make sure that they are at least 8 years old (not animal years) and you have paid off their parents for the right to commit your holy bangery on the afore mentioned cattle. Oh yes, if it turns out the goats are married, it's ok to gather your friends and stone them to death, even though you are the one who committed the rape rape. Because,you know, they a girls, and they shouldn't have exposed their swinging mammalian teats to you like they did.
 
2013-03-03 12:59:40 PM
In Engrish:

img850.imageshack.us
 
2013-03-03 01:02:20 PM

FloydA: Goat "rearing"?  Is that what the kids are calling it these days?


It has to be that way.  A goat will nibble on anything.
 
2013-03-03 01:07:46 PM
It's not goat rearing you son of a running dog. It's rear ending goats. Get your terminology straight infidel!!
 
2013-03-03 01:08:55 PM
Approves.

fc02.deviantart.net
 
2013-03-03 01:16:25 PM
Goat rearing! No thanks I'll trust the Kiwi's for that
 
2013-03-03 01:21:10 PM
Dear Achmed.

I just don't care anymore. All the killing for this and that and the insane rules.
To quote a great Rabbi,

"PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER."
 
2013-03-03 01:25:23 PM
Dear Achmed.

I want to make a good impression on my 72 virgins, but my bomb vest makes me look fat.

Wat do?
 
2013-03-03 01:33:42 PM

ciberido: FloydA: Goat "rearing"?  Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

It has to be that way.  A goat will nibble on anything.


i143.photobucket.com
 
2013-03-03 01:34:46 PM
Particularly pleased to find Tasty Pork Recipes at the bottom of the page. Finger-tip-biting good!
 
2013-03-03 01:36:04 PM
Why do I get the feeling that one puppet was rebranded after 9/11?
 
2013-03-03 01:41:14 PM

Smeggy Smurf: Dear Achmed:

I'm a terrorist scumbag living in a cave filled with underage goats.  How do I avoid raping them?


Dear Smeggy Smurf,

Kiss them full on the mouth first. If they kiss or lick back then it is clearly consensual. Enjoy, and do write again.

Kind regards,

Achmed.


skinink: Dear Achmed:

Someone in my office keeps taking the last cup of coffee without making a new batch. Will killing him allow me to get the 21 women virgins upon my execution?


Dear skinink,

Execution for coffee-related offences is for only the most extreme of militants. Today's new, more modern religious maniac will settle for cutting off of one hand or a bout a vigorous horsewhipping. Be sure to leave at least one working hand that he can use to make the coffee in the future.

Warm regards,

Achmed.


offmymeds: Dear Achmed,

Is it okay to wear white after Ramadan?


Dear offmymeds,

It is acceptable for men only, as white material may become slightly transparent and thus immodest on a woman. if you are a man, feel free to wear white clothing at any time. If you are a woman, what on Earth are you doing writing to a magazine? Report to your father or husband for appropriate punishment immediately.

Love,

Achmed.


Dr.Mxyzptlk.: Dear Achmed.

I just don't care anymore. All the killing for this and that and the insane rules.
To quote a great Rabbi,

"PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER."


Dear Dr. Mxyzptik,

Leaving is not an option. Neither is there or has there ever been such a thing as a "great rabbi." Expect a visit and unintended martyrdom soon.

Big hugs,

Achmed.


TheOther: Dear Achmed.

I want to make a good impression on my 72 virgins, but my bomb vest makes me look fat.

Wat do?


Dear The Other,

Gather the lot of them around and set off your bombs. That's bound to make a very strong impression.

Sweet kisses,

Achmed.
 
wee [TotalFark]
2013-03-03 01:44:51 PM

MOHWowbagger: Really? We're still mad at Salman Rushdie?


Do you know why Sunnis and Shias don't like each other?  That started in the year 632.  So yeah, it's fair to say they hold a grudge.
 
2013-03-03 01:54:55 PM
Dear Achmed,

I never thought anything like this would ever happen to me. I read AQAP Magazine's Forum section all the time but I always thought the stories were made up, and I never sent in a letter before. But the other night, my wives agreed to dress up as ninjas, just like every other night. But this time they were naked underneath. I didn't see for sure, I just had a feeling. It made me very desirous and ashamed of myself, but it felt so good too. Now I am no longer skeptical about the writers to your Forum.
 
2013-03-03 02:00:06 PM
Salman Rushdie's at it again with a new book -


Buddha, You Fat Bastard


due out in paperback in June
 
2013-03-03 02:08:22 PM
  May I show you something in a sandal??
 
2013-03-03 02:38:17 PM
I'm just looking for the snackbar.  All they seem to talk about is their heavenly snackbar fit for Allah himself, but I can never find it.
 
2013-03-03 02:48:01 PM

Counter_Intelligent: Why do I get the feeling that one puppet was rebranded after 9/11?


The one that was created BECAUSE of 9/11??
 
2013-03-03 02:58:02 PM

Smeggy Smurf: Dear Achmed:
I'm a terrorist scumbag living in a cave filled with underage goats.  How do I avoid raping them?


Dear Smneggy,
Goats tease, it is well known. If they had dressed modestly you would not have this problem. They are tempting you with their whorish ways, are clearly to blame and deserve everything you give them.
But use a condom. You don't want to be even smeggier do you?
 
2013-03-03 03:34:26 PM
Guys. Can we not blow this up into something that it isn"t?
 
2013-03-03 03:38:52 PM

Sock Ruh Tease: Dear Achmed,

I never thought anything like this would ever happen to me. I read AQAP Magazine's Forum section all the time but I always thought the stories were made up, and I never sent in a letter before. But the other night, my wives agreed to dress up as ninjas, just like every other night. But this time they were naked underneath. I didn't see for sure, I just had a feeling. It made me very desirous and ashamed of myself, but it felt so good too. Now I am no longer skeptical about the writers to your Forum.


Dear Achmed,
Love your Forum! The other wives also loved the 'Heads-Up Hints' for 'stroking his insanity'. Keep up the good work... So, last evening the other wives and I were ninja-nudie dancing for our perverted old husband & his favorite she-goat, Jihadiddy Bovidae, when I realized that his goat is a slut & an unbeliever! She refused to wear the black veil that we so lovingly forced on her, and she always gossips that everyone else is "BBbbaaaaddd, BbAAAhhhDDD", & that we're all "bbbBBaaAHHHhddD". Is she right? Can't we still wear black veils after Labor Day?

/Also, are Goat Quesadillas still kosher for our neighborhood block party-mixer?
//Recipes?
 
2013-03-03 04:00:13 PM

DoBeDoBeDo: Counter_Intelligent: Why do I get the feeling that one puppet was rebranded after 9/11?

The one that was created BECAUSE of 9/11??


I guess that shows the zero of two tits I give about Jeff Dunham.
 
2013-03-03 04:35:43 PM
Wouldn't the answer to pretty much any question be BOOM! Or is it KaBOOM?
 
2013-03-03 05:00:12 PM

DoBeDoBeDo: Counter_Intelligent: Why do I get the feeling that one puppet was rebranded after 9/11?

The one that was created BECAUSE of 9/11??


No, "Achmed the Dead Terrorist" predates 9/11.

It's really not that hard to Google.
 
2013-03-03 05:01:01 PM
Dear Achmed,
My wife's pubic mound reminds me too much of Osama's beard. Is there a way I can convince her that the Koran's ban on shaving pertains only to men?

Sincerely,
Durka Durka Fatwah Jihad

P.S. Death to America!
 
2013-03-03 05:03:14 PM
i thought the lockout solved the cap circumvention problems
 
2013-03-03 05:21:52 PM

FARK rebel soldier: ciberido: FloydA: Goat "rearing"?  Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

It has to be that way.  A goat will nibble on anything.


Is that supposed to represent a gay dude pukeing after spending to much time on their knees at the glory hole?
 
2013-03-03 05:26:45 PM
Dear Achmed,

My cave in Tora Bora was recently bombed by the Infidel Americans--the Satan of the World--and I need to redecorate.  I have a tight budget due to the money I invested in a herd of sheep, as they were so pretty, I could not resist owing them.  What do you suggest?
 
2013-03-03 05:50:49 PM
Dear Achmed, Dear Achmed ...
I must make a bomb
The trigger is bent and the wires are all wrong
I want to kill infidels, get them out of my land
But I messed up before and I'm missing a hand.
Signed Bewildered
 
obl
2013-03-03 06:01:17 PM
Its like Dear Abby/Ann Landers all over again...

http://askthetaliban.com
 
2013-03-03 06:46:08 PM

thisiszombocom: i thought the lockout solved the cap circumvention problems


This is what the infidels will have you believe
 
2013-03-03 06:57:48 PM

8Fingers: Is that supposed to represent a gay dude pukeing after spending to much time on their knees at the glory hole?


Well the Taliban told me it isn't against the Koran if I puke the mullah's jizz back up.
 
2013-03-03 07:12:41 PM
Brian Burke seen looking very pissed while reading article.
 
2013-03-03 09:46:56 PM
Gonna bookmark this thread for the next time some whiny-ass Christian homo starts biatching about how Fark is anti-Christian.

Hell, as it turns out, they will have probably posted in this thread.
 
2013-03-03 10:26:41 PM

AcesFull: May I show you something in a sandal??


A disembodied foot?
 
2013-03-03 10:36:08 PM
I like that they're looking ahead and have their stock ticker symbol already picked out. AQAP up 3/4 on news of a new #2 man taking the reins in Riyadh.
 
2013-03-03 10:50:14 PM
Dear Achmed,

Repeated beating of my four wives has left me with "tennis" elbow (my Zionist pig of a doctor call is that). What would be a haram treatment for this condition>
 
2013-03-04 12:18:46 AM

give me doughnuts: Dear Achmed,

Repeated beating of my four wives has left me with "tennis" elbow (my Zionist pig of a doctor call is that). What would be a haram treatment for this condition>


Uh, haram means forbidden. You mean halal. And I think that's just for food.
 
2013-03-04 05:40:53 AM
It's just Ahmed. No "c"
 
2013-03-04 10:24:42 AM
No link to the actual Al-Jezeera "paper"....

huh
 
2013-03-04 03:40:17 PM

ciberido: DoBeDoBeDo: Counter_Intelligent: Why do I get the feeling that one puppet was rebranded after 9/11?

The one that was created BECAUSE of 9/11??

No, "Achmed the Dead Terrorist" predates 9/11.

It's really not that hard to Google.


Uhhhh you suck at Google/Wiki.

from your link:

Achmed first appeared in Spark of Insanity

clicking on the link for Spark of Insanity
Jeff Dunham: Spark of Insanity is ventriloquist http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jeff_Dunham">Jeff Dunham's second http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comedy_Central">Comedy Central special, which premiered on September 17, 2007

But keep trying, one day you will understand how the great Intertubes work.
 
2013-03-05 12:52:58 AM

DoBeDoBeDo: Uhhhh you suck at Google/Wiki.

from your link:

Achmed first appeared in Spark of Insanity

clicking on the link for Spark of Insanity
Jeff Dunham: Spark of Insanity is ventriloquist http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jeff_Dunham">Jeff Dunham's second http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comedy_Central">Comedy Central special, which premiered on September 17, 2007

But keep trying, one day you will understand how the great Intertubes work.



Wow.  I must really have touched a nerve to make you project THAT much self-loathing.  There's really no need to feel that bad about it.  We all make mistakes.
 
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