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(Time)   A fascinating (and heartbreaking) look through a photographer's lens as she chronicles one couple's descent in domestic violence   (lightbox.time.com) divider line 585
    More: Sad, domestic violence, Ohio University  
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30765 clicks; posted to Main » on 28 Feb 2013 at 10:06 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-02-28 11:17:12 PM
Good on her for leaving.
 
2013-02-28 11:17:17 PM

ReapTheChaos: So, the photographer just stood there the whole time snapping photos  while both parties act oblivious to her presence then the dude beats the shiat out of his wife while someone snaps pics?

Bullshiat.



FTAI've been castigated by a number of anonymous internet commenters who have said that I should have somehow physically intervened between the two. Their criticism counters what actual law enforcement officers have told me - that physically intervening would have likely only made the situation worse, endangering me, and further endangering Maggie.


So either you didn't bother to read the article, or you think you're more of an expert on domestic violence than the police.
 
2013-02-28 11:18:08 PM
My sister dated an asshole who physically beat her.  A date or two ended with him telling her "Get out of this farking car before I beat you."  She married him.

One morning, after she was in a car wreck which totaled her car, I drove to her place to take her to work.  She brought me into their fight where I watched him pick up a drinking glass and hit her with it.  I said "I'm ending this shiat now."  and called the police.  They showed up and my sister lied to protect her husband.  She told the police that I made the entire event up and that the fresh black eye was her getting her at work the day before.

When the police left, she asked if I was going to take her to work, I said "No.  fark you.  He beats you, I see it, and you insult me to the police.  You cut me down, the tell the police everything you can to discredit me, even telling them that I was a special needs child to let your husband get away with beating you up.  Fark you.  I don't give a damn what happens to you because when you have the chance to get out of it, you sell me out to save the sorry ass of that son of a biatch who beats you.  If he breaks your bones, if he chokes the life out of you, I don't care.  This is what you want, this is what you get.  When that bastard puts you in the hospital, don't ask me for sympathy because this is the life you want.  Now, go to that unemployed by choice wife beating asshole you married and ask him to get you to work because I don't care if you get there or not, and never again will I ever do a farking thing for you."  That was in 2005, and while he's beaten her some more, while he'shiat her with a car in a parking lot, after he's dislocated her shoulder once, I don't care.  She tells me and I look at her and tell her "It's what you wanted because you're dumb enough to think that he's worth it.  He's not.  He's a criminal who belongs in prison with other wife beaters."
 
2013-02-28 11:18:17 PM

Anderson's Pooper: Theaetetus: You realize that domestic violence can include yelling, right? It doesn't necessarily require someone to get beaten.
Basically, you're arguing that the main problem with VAWA is that you can't be emotionally abusive and threatening without getting in trouble.

If no one's health or life is actually threatened, then a CPO is NOT appropriate.  People should not be removed from their home because of something that might happen.  If you want out of the relationship, file for divorce and custody.  If you or the kids have been actually physically abused, THEN get the CPO.  The problem with the VAWA is that it allows CPOs to be granted based solely on one party's testimony. If you want him out of the house then have him arrested and follow through on it.  Hopefully you'll never yell at your partner so you won't risk being forcibly removed from your home.  There is a vast difference between arguing and abuse.


Anderson, for most states, a protective order is not available if the verbal abuse stops short of creating a reasonable fear of assault or rape. (ie: calling someone b's and h's isn't enough),. Using that language is definitely something that can affect the underlying custody case, but should not necessarily bar a parent from access to their child or home.

The home thing is a bit weird, because you get into who actually  owns the home/is on the lease and is so subject to local laws and rules I won't even comment

/made the mistake of becoming a lawyer
// don't make the mistake of thinking I am *your* lawyer
///slashies!
 
2013-02-28 11:18:50 PM

ciberido: ReapTheChaos: So, the photographer just stood there the whole time snapping photos  while both parties act oblivious to her presence then the dude beats the shiat out of his wife while someone snaps pics?

Bullshiat.


FTA:  I've been castigated by a number of anonymous internet commenters who have said that I should have somehow physically intervened between the two. Their criticism counters what actual law enforcement officers have told me - that physically intervening would have likely only made the situation worse, endangering me, and further endangering Maggie.


So either you didn't bother to read the article, or you think you're more of an expert on domestic violence than the police.


Can't it be both?
 
2013-02-28 11:19:20 PM
timethemoment.files.wordpress.com

He'll be making that face a lot in prison as he chugs tons of kawk.

What an ass... She made bad decisions of course, but nobody deserves to be mistreated.
 
2013-02-28 11:19:29 PM
Yogimus, do you have the bestest neck tattoos in your trailer park, perchance?

[yes_total_badass_watchyerself.jpg]
 
2013-02-28 11:19:52 PM

debug: moonscatter: I spent almost two years getting protective orders for victims of domestic violence. I wish I could say this was a unique situation, but it isn't. It reads like a "worst of" the cases I handled. Isolating the victim from her family/support system, attaching at a time of weakness, ensuring that she believes that he can't be better without her, the tattoo (seen variations on this too many times, including a guy who came into court with a t shirt emblazoned with her picture and "i miss you" airbrushed on it).

And violence in front of the kids is the same as doing it TO The kids. The damage is incredible to their young  minds/psyches.

No, it's really not the same at all.


I've watched a three year old little girl beat a barbie doll into losing it's limbs because of watching daddy put mommy in the hospital. when you actually have watched something like this, then you can make such an idiotic statement. until then STFU
 
2013-02-28 11:20:19 PM

lokidecat: She made bad decisions of course, but nobody deserves to be mistreated.


It was so important of you to throw in that first clause, huh? Can't resist that little smug dig?
 
2013-02-28 11:20:37 PM

ciberido: ReapTheChaos: So, the photographer just stood there the whole time snapping photos  while both parties act oblivious to her presence then the dude beats the shiat out of his wife while someone snaps pics?

Bullshiat.


FTA:  I've been castigated by a number of anonymous internet commenters who have said that I should have somehow physically intervened between the two. Their criticism counters what actual law enforcement officers have told me - that physically intervening would have likely only made the situation worse, endangering me, and further endangering Maggie.


So either you didn't bother to read the article, or you think you're more of an expert on domestic violence than the police.


I am the farking police. The concern for me, police wise, is that a report is easier to writhe when there is one victim and one witness, as opposed to two victims. Think about it, and ignore the appeal to authority: Why the hell would you watch a man beat a woman, when you could ACT?
 
2013-02-28 11:21:34 PM

ongbok: When she puts herself back together again, she will be off again to find another person who can fulfill her needs the way she wants them to.


Pretty normal for military marriages.
It takes a toll for your man to be gone so much.

For some it brings them closer together having to go through it, but for many it's too hard on the person left at home.

Not to mention young military mens' affinity for marrying sluts/strippers....Just sayin....
 
2013-02-28 11:22:04 PM

BenJammin: KIA: Welcome to redneck America.  Oh, and... don't date felons or people who carry visible demonstrations of their inability to make good life choices.

Domestic violence statistics show that there there is no socio-economic link to this behavior.  There is a positive correlation for those who come from patriarchal cultures.


Nice way to just pull this out of your ass.  Here is the actual truth of the matter:

"Although domestic violence occurs across income brackets, it is most frequently reported by the poor who more often rely on the police for dispute resolution. Victimization surveys indicate that lower-income women are, in fact, more frequently victims of domestic violence than wealthier women. Women with family incomes less than $7,500 are five times more likely to be victims of violence by an intimate than women with family annual incomes between $50,000 and $74,000. "

Rest is here:  http://www.popcenter.org/problems/domestic_violence/2
 
2013-02-28 11:22:13 PM

GoSurfing: was just trying to shed a different light on the angle you approached it from


There are exceptions to every rule, and there are genuinely nice guys out there who have, in fact, been mistreated by the women they've known.

The difference between those guys and internet "nice guys" is that genuine guys understand that they've known some bad women - not that all women are bad.  And they recognize that the reason those women were shiatty wasn't because they were nice, but because those particular women were BAD WOMEN.

And they don't rush into threads on domestic violence to biatch that ALL WOMEN totally do this to themselves because ALL WOMEN are so stupid and love being abused and not treated nicely like nice guys would treat them.  Stupid women.
 
2013-02-28 11:22:13 PM
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!


timethemoment.files.wordpress.com
 
2013-02-28 11:22:41 PM

Yogimus: Why the hell would you watch a man beat a woman, when you could ACT?


And do...?

I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that the photographer is not Ronda Rousey. But if you have better information about her capabilities, feel free to offer them up.
 
2013-02-28 11:23:09 PM

Ihaveanevilparrot: Anyway, point being, lack of tattoos and being "nice" in public, doesn't = nonabuser.


Yep.  Dude in TFA doesn't have money, connections and probably has worse impulse control than "normal" looking dudes.

There's plenty of educated, employed white collar guys in very nice houses who beat their wives, kids and girlfriends too.  They just wait until everyone leaves, or make sure that the abuse is verbal, or psychological, or in areas that don;t leave marks.  If they do lose control they have contacts and influence to sweep things under the rug.
 
2013-02-28 11:23:20 PM
timethemoment.files.wordpress.com

IT'S MY TURN WITH THE REMOTE CONTROL!!!
 
2013-02-28 11:24:14 PM

BSABSVR: Ihaveanevilparrot: Anyway, point being, lack of tattoos and being "nice" in public, doesn't = nonabuser.

Yep.  Dude in TFA doesn't have money, connections and probably has worse impulse control than "normal" looking dudes.

There's plenty of educated, employed white collar guys in very nice houses who beat their wives, kids and girlfriends too.  They just wait until everyone leaves, or make sure that the abuse is verbal, or psychological, or in areas that don;t leave marks.


Some people in this thread think that that shouldn't count and curse VAWA for applying to it.
 
2013-02-28 11:24:26 PM
the only sad part of this story is that those poor kids don't stand a chance.
 
2013-02-28 11:24:51 PM

TV's Vinnie: no protection for Native American women on reservations.


FTFY

from what I've seen
 
2013-02-28 11:26:42 PM

moonscatter: debug: moonscatter: I spent almost two years getting protective orders for victims of domestic violence. I wish I could say this was a unique situation, but it isn't. It reads like a "worst of" the cases I handled. Isolating the victim from her family/support system, attaching at a time of weakness, ensuring that she believes that he can't be better without her, the tattoo (seen variations on this too many times, including a guy who came into court with a t shirt emblazoned with her picture and "i miss you" airbrushed on it).

And violence in front of the kids is the same as doing it TO The kids. The damage is incredible to their young  minds/psyches.

No, it's really not the same at all.

I've watched a three year old little girl beat a barbie doll into losing it's limbs because of watching daddy put mommy in the hospital. when you actually have watched something like this, then you can make such an idiotic statement. until then STFU


So you think seeing a parent have their windpipe crushed is the same as them having their own windpipe crushed?  Sounds like you're the idiot.  I don't think anyone would argue that it's not trumatic for the child, but it's not the same as actual physical violence at all.
 
2013-02-28 11:26:43 PM

dforkus: And a moment to thank the corrections officers who will have to deal with this dirtbag...


May I suggest using a nightstick officer!
 
2013-02-28 11:26:51 PM

Theaetetus: Yogimus: Why the hell would you watch a man beat a woman, when you could ACT?

And do...?

I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that the photographer is not Ronda Rousey. But if you have better information about her capabilities, feel free to offer them up.


Here is the thing (and the photographer would have no way of knowing this)

1. Abusive people are farking cowards. No, seriously... not because they abuse, but because of the pattern they develop
2. They train their victim for MONTHS prior to that 1st beating, to make sure they are dependent enough to not leave
3. They need to build up the courage to beat their victim.  See #1. This takes time.
4. When the beating occurs, it is almost sexual in its catharsis.
5. A variable introduced into this equation with fark it all up for the abuser.
6. Seriously.. how can you just WATCH?!
 
2013-02-28 11:27:39 PM
I am actually physically sick. I have never heard of this:

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/23/us/native-americans-struggle-with-h i gh-rate-of-rape.html?pagewanted=2&_r=0">http://www.nytimes.com/2012/0 5/23/us/native-americans-struggle-with-hi gh-rate-of-rape.html?pagewanted=2&_r=0

I mean WTF? How the hell is this tolerated? WHY HASN'T THIS BEEN DEALT WITH BEFORE?

RAPE TOURS?!! How about NO!
 
2013-02-28 11:28:02 PM

Theaetetus: Reading comprehension problems, or a belief that a threat must actually include physical damage? Either way, you're wrong.


I'll blame the wine for my lack of reading comprehension.  But if you think having your rights and property taken away based on uncorroborated testimony is appropriate then I think you're wrong.  The idea behind the VAWA is fantastic, the problem is that it HAS been abused.  There is no question that this has happened. As I said earlier, I blame our colleagues.  As a family law and criminal defense attorney, I have seen it too many times to remain neutral.  If there's a real problem, physical or not, then prosecute the criminal case.  Don't bring it as a half-assed civil case.
 
2013-02-28 11:29:08 PM

Yogimus: I am the farking police.


That's the most depressing part of this entire thread.
 
2013-02-28 11:29:11 PM
Yogimus:
I am the farking police. The concern for me, police wise, is that a report is easier to writhe when there is one victim and one witness, as opposed to two victims. Think about it, and ignore the appeal to authority: Why the hell would you watch a man beat a woman, when you could ACT?

Because as the article and numerous people have pointed out:  Intervening can make the attacker angrier ("How dare this biatch get in my farking way!") or actually get the victim to turn and get angry themselves ("Who the fark is this person to put themselves in MY family's business?!").  On top of that, unless you're capable of putting the S.O.B. down, picking a fight with him will just get you beaten up as well, and may get the initial victim beaten WORSE.

Appeal to Authority isn't a logical fallacy when the person legitimately knows what they're talking about.
 
2013-02-28 11:29:25 PM

DeepDownHounds: /farking TERRIFYING


Particularly when you've been on the receiving end.

Not that anyone will pay attention or change an opinion, but I'm going to echo those who have said that not all abusers show outward signs in the beginning. You meet them as a clean cut 17 year old at church camp and find yourself 7 rears later wondering what the hell happened, why you didn't recognize it before he chucked you into the wall last week and how the hell to get out. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have a mom to call who won't judge and will do everything in her power to get you and the other 3 living creatures out of the situation.
 
2013-02-28 11:29:49 PM

Freudian_slipknot: GoSurfing: was just trying to shed a different light on the angle you approached it from

There are exceptions to every rule, and there are genuinely nice guys out there who have, in fact, been mistreated by the women they've known.

The difference between those guys and internet "nice guys" is that genuine guys understand that they've known some bad women - not that all women are bad.  And they recognize that the reason those women were shiatty wasn't because they were nice, but because those particular women were BAD WOMEN.

And they don't rush into threads on domestic violence to biatch that ALL WOMEN totally do this to themselves because ALL WOMEN are so stupid and love being abused and not treated nicely like nice guys would treat them.  Stupid women.


Your last two sentences, show me where I said that. I really hope you aren't implying that I'm doing the same. Not once did I insinuate it was her fault. Not once did I say anything to that effect. You do know other people said that upthread, not me, right?

I originally replied to your post that nice guys believe women to be inferior. I simply responded that I've observed this to be this opposite.

/peace dude
//don't rush into threads
///hell I almost never comment on fark at all anymore
 
2013-02-28 11:30:12 PM

Theaetetus: Yogimus: Why the hell would you watch a man beat a woman, when you could ACT?

And do...?

I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that the photographer is not Ronda Rousey. But if you have better information about her capabilities, feel free to offer them up.


Even if it was a man, it's not like the guy was going to stop beating her and get all calm and relaxed if a man intervened. He is going to start fighting with who ever intervened. And this has led to many men being charged with assault when they have tried to intervene only to have both the woman and the abuser claim that the person intervening had attacked them when the police come.
 
2013-02-28 11:31:00 PM

Ihaveanevilparrot: Via Infinito: I love how ignorant people were giving the photographer a bunch of shiat for not "intervening" in the assault.  Maybe she didn't want to get choked out too? She's a f*cking photographer, not a UFC fighter.

I've made a point to never get involved in a "domestic dispute" with people I don't really know. Family or close friends only, where I know both people well, know their mentality and reactions, and I have a better chance of de-escalating the situation

Taking sides can make the abuser more violent for one, not to mention half the time the woman starts taking the mans side and gets aggressive toward you for not minding your own business.



Seriously, call the cops first.

Not 6 months ago I was sitting in a park and ride, getting ready to start my car, when a young woman runs by screaming. And that's not something you see everyday in Bellevue.

I stupidly got out of the car and saw a guy grab her, so what does Slammy do?

Get's in the middle. Of course the guy wants to fight he's pissed, she screaming and crying, a dozen other assholes are just watching. He wants to fight.

All I can think of saying is; Do you know what this looks like?

The guy, and I am so glad he was Asian, suddenly looked absolutly shocked.

He started to say he was only trying to get her back in the car.

I told him it only looked to me like some guy was trying to drag a screaming woman into a car.

His attitude changed, if there was rock he would have crawled under it.

She called her family, I gave him my number if he wanted to talk about it later, because yes, we men really don't talk about this kind of crap with others, and we should.

He went his way,  a group of kids hanging out finally came over and offered to wait with her until she was picked up.

Me, I got the hell out of there.

No fisticuffs, no hard ass noise, just a little bit of experience with dumb young males, I am a former Marine, I was young and dumb, and everyone went home verticle.

Honestly, I bet she goes back to him, and she said this has happened before, next time, I hope they do it in another state so I don't have to hear about it.
 
2013-02-28 11:31:11 PM
24.media.tumblr.com
 
2013-02-28 11:33:16 PM
So, she left the soldier hubby when he was deployed because Mr Rock'n'Roll would give her bad boy thrills....and we're supposed to feel sorry for her? I feel sorry for her kids, certainly and her ex-husband, but she seems like a fool.
 
2013-02-28 11:33:17 PM

BSABSVR: Yogimus: I am the farking police.

That's the most depressing part of this entire thread.


And yet you would rather have me take care of it FOR you? coward.
 
2013-02-28 11:33:26 PM

Yogimus: Theaetetus: Yogimus: Why the hell would you watch a man beat a woman, when you could ACT?

And do...?

I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that the photographer is not Ronda Rousey. But if you have better information about her capabilities, feel free to offer them up.

Here is the thing (and the photographer would have no way of knowing this)

1. Abusive people are farking cowards. No, seriously... not because they abuse, but because of the pattern they develop
2. They train their victim for MONTHS prior to that 1st beating, to make sure they are dependent enough to not leave
3. They need to build up the courage to beat their victim.  See #1. This takes time.
4. When the beating occurs, it is almost sexual in its catharsis.
5. A variable introduced into this equation with fark it all up for the abuser.
6. Seriously.. how can you just WATCH?!


Well, gosh, Sparky, maybe since the photograph had no way of knowing any of that, that's why she didn't jump in? At least you admit that your criticism was unfounded.
 
2013-02-28 11:33:46 PM
You'd think a guy with facial tattoos would have it more together.
 
2013-02-28 11:33:47 PM

starrion: I am actually physically sick. I have never heard of this:

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/23/us/native-americans-struggle-with-h i gh-rate-of-rape.html?pagewanted=2&_r=0">http://www.nytimes.com/2012/0 5/23/us/native-americans-struggle-with-hi gh-rate-of-rape.html?pagewanted=2&_r=0

I mean WTF? How the hell is this tolerated? WHY HASN'T THIS BEEN DEALT WITH BEFORE?

RAPE TOURS?!! How about NO!


OK.  THAT is now the most depressing part of this thread.
 
2013-02-28 11:34:18 PM
Staple this to your door. (literally this: print it out)

media.masslive.com
 
2013-02-28 11:34:55 PM
woops wrong thread
 
2013-02-28 11:35:04 PM
Yogimus, you are a liar. Or the stupidest member of the law enforcement community there ever has been.

ANY time I've called law enforcement when witnessing someone being abused, they, without fail, assured me that was the right thing to do and to not have gotten involved myself.

Only if she was in danger of losing her life before the cops showed up would you get involved, and then only to the degree to delay or evade until law enforcement showed up.

[lying_douchenozzle.jpg]
 
2013-02-28 11:36:55 PM

Bob Falfa: Aar1012: Jesus Christ. This made makes me sick. This happened, not only in my home state, within arms reach of my alma mater. The damned kids that go to OU will never realize the poverty and social problems that occur around them in that region of the state. They'll get their degree and jump ship without leaving any good mark on the south east.

Ohio is in the South East now? When did it move?


SE Ohio (Athens is what I think Aar1012 is referring to since that is where OU is, although they also have a branch in Lancaster) is in Appalachia. Lancaster is just on the outskirts of Columbus and basically the start of SE Ohio where things go from city life to white-trashville.
 
2013-02-28 11:36:57 PM

Yogimus: woops wrong thread


... well, that was creepy. Also, enjoy your timeout once the mods see it.
 
2013-02-28 11:37:07 PM

JerkStore: I'm definitely not OK with this. I don't care what you call yourself, photojournalist, when a woman is being beaten in front of you, YOU FARKING DO WHAT YOU CAN TO SAVE HER. You don't keep snapping pictures hoping to document...whatever it was you were trying to document. It's not a secret that women are beaten, yet you let it happen right in front of your eyes, never mind the children who will be royally farked up from these experiences.

Fail on so many levels. But at least you got some great shots and some buzz about your "important" work.

Fark you.


There's a reason why domestic violence calls scare cops more than anything, at least anything that doesn't involve an active shooter. They're a very dangerous situation for someone who tries to intervene. Emotions are extremely volatile, all parties concerned are very unstable, and in a split second, they can stop trying to kill each other and join forces against an outsider -- the person trying to intervene -- who now has two enraged people angry at them. Cops are trained to deal with this and it still scares them. A college student who finds herself in a totally unexpected situation which she has no background or training in how to cope with is not in a good place.

Let's say she grabbed Shane there and told him to stop choking Maggie. Shane is clearly in a blind rage and what little self-control he ever had is gone. So is he going to say "Oh, my bad. I'll stop now"? Or is he going to slug the photographer in the face and go back to choking Maggie? How exactly will she be helping the situation while unconscious on the floor?

As it is, she probably did more good for Maggie than any attempted intervention could have. The cops were already on their way. (note that the guy who called them ALSO didn't think personally wading into this morass of violence was a good idea). She documented the incident so thoroughly that Shane would have no hope of wiggling out of it in court. Her pictures probably have a fair bit to do with why Shane is back in jail and not in a position to do this to anyone else.

It's not a situation where there are any easy answers. Maybe not even any right answers. Calm Shane down so he can do this again after she leaves? Get punched in the face, something few women will volunteer to do? Record what's happening? She was there; I was not. I'm not about to second-guess her.
 
2013-02-28 11:38:07 PM

starrion: I am actually physically sick. I have never heard of this:

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/23/us/native-americans-struggle-with-h i gh-rate-of-rape.html?pagewanted=2&_r=0">http://www.nytimes.com/2012/0 5/23/us/native-americans-struggle-with-hi gh-rate-of-rape.html?pagewanted=2&_r=0

I mean WTF? How the hell is this tolerated? WHY HASN'T THIS BEEN DEALT WITH BEFORE?

RAPE TOURS?!! How about NO!


=========
I hope nobody really is tracking my Google searches.
I typed in the keywords "rape" "tour" "reservations".
 
2013-02-28 11:38:34 PM

Otto_E_Rodika: BenJammin: KIA: Welcome to redneck America.  Oh, and... don't date felons or people who carry visible demonstrations of their inability to make good life choices.

Domestic violence statistics show that there there is no socio-economic link to this behavior.  There is a positive correlation for those who come from patriarchal cultures.

Nice way to just pull this out of your ass.  Here is the actual truth of the matter:

"Although domestic violence occurs across income brackets, it is most frequently reported by the poor who more often rely on the police for dispute resolution. Victimization surveys indicate that lower-income women are, in fact, more frequently victims of domestic violence than wealthier women. Women with family incomes less than $7,500 are five times more likely to be victims of violence by an intimate than women with family annual incomes between $50,000 and $74,000. "

Rest is here:  http://www.popcenter.org/problems/domestic_violence/2

--
FACT: Studies of domestic violence consistently have found that battering occurs among all types of families, regardless of income, profession, region, ethnicity, educational level or race. However, the fact that lower income victims and abusers are over-represented in calls to police, battered women's shelters and social services may be due to a lack of other resources.

http://www.clarkprosecutor.org/html/domviol/myths.htm
 
2013-02-28 11:38:35 PM
 
2013-02-28 11:38:53 PM
I intended to paint a portrait of the catch-22 of being a released ex-convict: even though they are physically free, the metaphorical prison of stigma doesn't allow them to truly escape.

No agenda or bias there, right?
 
2013-02-28 11:38:54 PM

BSABSVR: There's plenty of educated, employed white collar guys in very nice houses who beat their wives, kids and girlfriends too.  They just wait until everyone leaves, or make sure that the abuse is verbal, or psychological, or in areas that don;t leave marks.  If they do lose control they have contacts and influence to sweep things under the rug.


That's the thing. Guy in the article was very immature, probably grew up abused himself, and didn't have the control to even wait until people weren't present to document it. My dad was/is also very immature, but smart enough to know to hide it somewhat.

He rarely showed bad behavior toward me and my mom when people that might complain were around, and if he did it was very mild compared to at home alone.
And my family's excuses were "he's just under a lot of stress." It's amazing the excuses close family can make for a loved ones abuse, because they don't want to believe, or don't want to take responsibility for caring for a child in a bad situation.

I never hid how he was from anyone. I'd tell people about it, but knowing him outside of the home they assumed I was exaggerating. That's also my dad's favorite quote "she's exaggerating."
Over the years he's even tried to say I dreamt certain stuff and it didn't actually happen.
Now that I haven't lived there for years he's deluded himself into thinking things were better than they were, conveniently forgotten a lot of his behavior.
I have no doubt the reason he doesn't act abusive toward me now is he knows he has no control of me. I don't even live in the same state. When he comes to visit he's as nice as can be. The shiat had almost stopped completely BEFORE I even moved out because he knew I'd just leave.

Abusers need to have control of everything. It's when they feel themselves losing control that they become the worst. Once they've lost you altogether they're nice as can be, which is how women get tricked into coming back because "he's changed." But as soon as your back they're going to try and regain that control again. Some do it through physical intimidation, some mental, some both, but it's all abuse.
 
2013-02-28 11:39:15 PM

TommyymmoT: starrion: I am actually physically sick. I have never heard of this:

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/23/us/native-americans-struggle-with-h i gh-rate-of-rape.html?pagewanted=2&_r=0">http://www.nytimes.com/2012/0 5/23/us/native-americans-struggle-with-hi gh-rate-of-rape.html?pagewanted=2&_r=0

I mean WTF? How the hell is this tolerated? WHY HASN'T THIS BEEN DEALT WITH BEFORE?

RAPE TOURS?!! How about NO!

=========
I hope nobody really is tracking my Google searches.
I typed in the keywords "rape" "tour" "reservations".


Book early, book often?
 
2013-02-28 11:40:05 PM
I've not had a great day and really didn't need to click on the story...I'll cling to the fact that Maggie got herself very far away from scumbag Shane and that a whole lot of fellow Farkers have shown empathy in their comments.  Moving on to something less depressing and more suited to humor/snarky comments now...
 
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