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(Huffington Post)   Today's lifestyle headline, "I caught my son french-kissing my wife" ...ewww   (huffingtonpost.com) divider line 109
    More: Sick, stay-at-home dad, public displays of affection, sons, midwife, french  
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19396 clicks; posted to Main » on 26 Feb 2013 at 6:44 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



109 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

Archived thread
 
2013-02-26 06:33:33 PM  
It's funny, though. My wife was the one who wanted a kid, while I was never as sold on the idea.

No wonder the little Oedipus-in-training loathes you.
 
2013-02-26 06:46:24 PM  
What, no pictures?
 
2013-02-26 06:46:24 PM  
WTF is Mom thinking?

/this kid is going to Rex something
 
2013-02-26 06:49:02 PM  
She's raising a Cyrus.

d3gtl9l2a4fn1j.cloudfront.net
 
2013-02-26 06:49:05 PM  
Why do they call you Eatapuss?

/obscure?
 
2013-02-26 06:51:18 PM  
i.imgur.com
 
2013-02-26 06:52:08 PM  
Candy is dandy,

but incest is best....
 
2013-02-26 06:52:08 PM  
And like a little Allen, my son is, at three-and-a-half, a true neurotic.

A wildly misleading, attention grabbing headline in order to drive page views.Well done, writer.So I clicked, let's hear it.

Stay-At-Home Dad ... It's funny, though. My wife was the one who wanted a kid, while I was never as sold on the idea.

Dude, you're a stay-at-home dad for a kid you weren't sold on because your career as a "writer" is pathetic.  See for instance this article.
 
2013-02-26 06:52:17 PM  
Someone has seen my tube searches
 
2013-02-26 06:52:42 PM  
What the son and wife may look like

media1.shmoop.com
 
2013-02-26 06:53:17 PM  
Definition of Gross: When you kiss your gramma goodbye, and she gives you the tongue.
 
2013-02-26 06:53:57 PM  
i96.photobucket.com
Go on...
 
2013-02-26 06:54:54 PM  
over/under on post count until:

Pic of Jeffrey Jones:30

Pic of Stephanie Seymore: 60
 
2013-02-26 06:55:16 PM  
Alicia Silverstone approves.
 
2013-02-26 06:56:13 PM  
Mother F+cker.
 
2013-02-26 06:56:21 PM  

planes: Definition of Gross: When you kiss your gramma goodbye, and she gives you the tongue.


If you don't cup her tits when kissing her goodbye, that tends not to happen that much.
 
2013-02-26 06:58:40 PM  
When he found what he had done,
He tore his eyes out, one by one,
A tragic end to a loyal son,
Who loved his mother.
 
2013-02-26 07:00:24 PM  
They obviously edited out the original beginning of the article, which was "Dear Penthouse".
 
2013-02-26 07:01:10 PM  
FTA:
...reminds me of how Woody Allen tends to over-emphasize the consonants at the end of words. And like a little Allen, my son is, at 3-and-a-half, a true neurotic.

...I often feel marginal in the family, and emasculated.


Dude..I think you are the neurotic one. Stop projecting.

Stupid articles like this are why many, many people make fun of most 'writers' and almost all 'bloggers'.
 
2013-02-26 07:04:09 PM  
Much like nepotism, incest is OK as long as you keep it in the family.
 
2013-02-26 07:04:38 PM  
They need to slap the creepy little farker more.
 
2013-02-26 07:06:22 PM  

YouPeopleAreCrazy: FTA:
...reminds me of how Woody Allen tends to over-emphasize the consonants at the end of words. And like a little Allen, my son is, at 3-and-a-half, a true neurotic.

...I often feel marginal in the family, and emasculated.

Dude..I think you are the neurotic one. Stop projecting.

Stupid articles like this are why many, many people make fun of most 'writers' and almost all 'bloggers'.


You're a failure of a father if you let the 3 year old have the Oedipal victory.
 
2013-02-26 07:08:17 PM  
Paging Dr. Freud.
 
2013-02-26 07:09:09 PM  
Incest Is Best

Relatively speaking
 
2013-02-26 07:12:16 PM  
Jesus Christ, get a divorce and put the kid up for adoption. It will fark you all up, but less so than the direction you're going now.
 
2013-02-26 07:12:20 PM  
My step-son tried the other shiat he was mentioning.  Getting in the middle of every kiss, snuggle, and cuddle, but not the frenchie shiat.  It's basically because he's a momma's boy and momma is too weak to tell the kid no.  He grew out of it once he went to school simply because the other boys made fun of him, which is the natural order of things.  I hope this poor (moron) dad doesn't let the wife talk him in to homeschooling, because that kid is doomed otherwise.
 
2013-02-26 07:12:24 PM  
Jeremy Davies unavailable for comment.

/Spanking the Monkey
 
2013-02-26 07:13:24 PM  
  Soooo...A kid is at his Grandmothers house when she nods off...The kid gets bored and wanders across the street to his own house...Hearing strange noises,he follows the sounds to his parents room...Opening the door he sees his Dad banging his Mother....Dad jumps up and tries to console his shocked son...The Dad tries to laugh it off,telling the kid it was just a funny game he and his Mom were playing...Dad keeps chuckling and the kid runs off...Dad gets dressed and goes looking for him...He cant find him and goes looking for him at his Grandma's house...And there's the kid..on top of the Grandmother farking her....The Dad screams.."YOU"RE FARKING MY MOTHER!!!???!!"....The kid looks up at him and says..."Not so funny is it?"
 
2013-02-26 07:14:16 PM  

KangTheMad: YouPeopleAreCrazy: FTA:
...reminds me of how Woody Allen tends to over-emphasize the consonants at the end of words. And like a little Allen, my son is, at 3-and-a-half, a true neurotic.

...I often feel marginal in the family, and emasculated.

Dude..I think you are the neurotic one. Stop projecting.

Stupid articles like this are why many, many people make fun of most 'writers' and almost all 'bloggers'.

You're a failure of a father if you let the 3 year old have the Oedipal victory.


Never underestimate the limitless bullheaded all-or-nothing persistance of a toddler. Some are too insane to reason with, threaten, or bribe into doing the normal proper thing. Some would rather cry until they puked because they wanted an old pizza crust that was supposed to go into the garbage and will refuse chocolate cake because DAMMMIT I WANTED THAT PIZZA CRUST MY WHOLE LIFE IS RUINED I WANTED THAT ROTTEN OLD CRUST IT MEANT THE WORLD TO ME I WOULD RATHER DIE THAN EAT DELICIOUS CAKE I WANT THAT PIZZA CRUST BECAUSE I HAVE A NOTION AND I AM A STUPID INSANE CHILD.
 
2013-02-26 07:15:51 PM  

Tillmaster: When he found what he had done,
He tore his eyes out, one by one,
A tragic end to a loyal son,
Who loved his mother.


At least give Tom Lehrer his credit where credit is due.
 
2013-02-26 07:16:01 PM  

AcesFull: Soooo...A kid is at his Grandmothers house when she nods off...The kid gets bored and wanders across the street to his own house...Hearing strange noises,he follows the sounds to his parents room...Opening the door he sees his Dad banging his Mother....Dad jumps up and tries to console his shocked son...The Dad tries to laugh it off,telling the kid it was just a funny game he and his Mom were playing...Dad keeps chuckling and the kid runs off...Dad gets dressed and goes looking for him...He cant find him and goes looking for him at his Grandma's house...And there's the kid..on top of the Grandmother farking her....The Dad screams.."YOU"RE FARKING MY MOTHER!!!???!!"....The kid looks up at him and says..."Not so funny is it?"


Recommend changing the punchline a bit for maximum funny:
The Dad screams.."WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!!???!!"....The kid looks up at him and says..."Not so funny when it's YOUR mother, is it?"
 
2013-02-26 07:18:31 PM  

KangTheMad: You're a failure of a father if you let the 3 year old have the Oedipal victory.


FTA:
A Sunday or two ago, when I suggested we let Mommy sleep while we make her breakfast, he kicked me in the face. A couple of days later, he threw a used tissue at me while I snoozed. During the day, when it's just the two of us, he tells me that he wishes I would leave so it could just be him and Mommy.
...
I never thought it would be a battle. At times it feels like this family just ain't big enough for the three of us.


Oh, he lost the battle long ago. He is an unneeded appendage in that household.
 
2013-02-26 07:18:59 PM  
Kid was doomed from the start when his dickweed hipsters parents named him Felix.
 
2013-02-26 07:19:52 PM  

JesusJuice: They need to slap the creepy little farker more.


You're close but not so extreme.  Set boundries.  tell the kid he can't get all up in mom's face so often and mom needs to learn to say no when the kisses get inappropriate.  Kid will figure out what's appropriate and what is not.  Who knows- maybe he'll learn enough about "the right way to kiss" enough that he'll be the apple of some girl's eye some day instead of some crazy masher.
 
2013-02-26 07:21:39 PM  

lemming42: AcesFull: Soooo...A kid is at his Grandmothers house when she nods off...The kid gets bored and wanders across the street to his own house...Hearing strange noises,he follows the sounds to his parents room...Opening the door he sees his Dad banging his Mother....Dad jumps up and tries to console his shocked son...The Dad tries to laugh it off,telling the kid it was just a funny game he and his Mom were playing...Dad keeps chuckling and the kid runs off...Dad gets dressed and goes looking for him...He cant find him and goes looking for him at his Grandma's house...And there's the kid..on top of the Grandmother farking her....The Dad screams.."YOU"RE FARKING MY MOTHER!!!???!!"....The kid looks up at him and says..."Not so funny is it?"

Recommend changing the punchline a bit for maximum funny:
The Dad screams.."WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!!???!!"....The kid looks up at him and says..."Not so funny when it's YOUR mother, is it?"



    I was on deadline..damn editors!
 
2013-02-26 07:22:43 PM  

Contrabulous Flabtraption: Kid was doomed from the start when his dickweed hipsters parents named him Felix.


Really cool parents would have named him Fritz.
 
2013-02-26 07:24:12 PM  
Stupid attention whoring headline of the actual article.......my son and wife were French kissing! ....well, not really, but thanks for reading my crappy blog.
 
2013-02-26 07:26:06 PM  
I'm so hard right now.
 
2013-02-26 07:27:39 PM  
I could have sworn my half brother wrote this article - he's an emasculated wimp who let's his wife run the show and his son is also named Felix.
 
2013-02-26 07:29:03 PM  
Also, maybe they shouldn't let the TV babysit the child with Cinemax and HBO.
 
2013-02-26 07:31:27 PM  
"I caught my daughter giving head to my brother."
 
2013-02-26 07:31:46 PM  
I hope he comes here to read this thread. If there is one thing Fark has in abundance it's parenting experts.

/only exceeded by genius level IQs, people who have paid off their mortgage, and dudes with huge penises and model girlfriends
 
2013-02-26 07:33:56 PM  

js34603: I hope he comes here to read this thread. If there is one thing Fark has in abundance it's parenting experts.

/only exceeded by genius level IQs, people who have paid off their mortgage, and dudes with huge penises and model girlfriends


And people who make sweeping generalisations.
 
2013-02-26 07:34:23 PM  
Yippee Ki Yay
 
2013-02-26 07:34:32 PM  
"Everyone has that one creepy uncle who always wants to kiss you when he sees you. But follow up with some tongue, and suddenly you're the weirdo."
 
2013-02-26 07:35:01 PM  
FunkOut:

Never underestimate the limitless bullheaded all-or-nothing persistance of a toddler. Some are too insane to reason with, threaten, or bribe into doing the normal proper thing. Some would rather cry until they puked because they wanted an old pizza crust that was supposed to go into the garbage and will refuse chocolate cake because DAMMMIT I WANTED THAT PIZZA CRUST MY WHOLE LIFE IS RUINED I WANTED THAT ROTTEN OLD CRUST IT MEANT THE WORLD TO ME I WOULD RATHER DIE THAN EAT DELICIOUS CAKE I WANT THAT PIZZA CRUST BECAUSE I HAVE A NOTION AND I AM A STUPID INSANE CHILD.

This is something that has to be experienced as a parent to truly appreciate.
 
2013-02-26 07:35:32 PM  
I bet Mom works as a bouncer.
 
2013-02-26 07:35:34 PM  

lemming42: AcesFull: Soooo...A kid is at his Grandmothers house when she nods off...The kid gets bored and wanders across the street to his own house...Hearing strange noises,he follows the sounds to his parents room...Opening the door he sees his Dad banging his Mother....Dad jumps up and tries to console his shocked son...The Dad tries to laugh it off,telling the kid it was just a funny game he and his Mom were playing...Dad keeps chuckling and the kid runs off...Dad gets dressed and goes looking for him...He cant find him and goes looking for him at his Grandma's house...And there's the kid..on top of the Grandmother farking her....The Dad screams.."YOU"RE FARKING MY MOTHER!!!???!!"....The kid looks up at him and says..."Not so funny is it?"

Recommend changing the punchline a bit for maximum funny:
The Dad screams.."WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!!???!!"....The kid looks up at him and says..."Not so funny when it's YOUR mother, is it?"


You're one of those guys that thinks that a joke gets funnier the more you explain it, aren't you?  There was absolutely no ambiguity regarding what the kid meant and it was snappier.  The extra words you want to throw in add nothing of comedic value.  Nothing.  The first punch line offered was better.
 
2013-02-26 07:37:00 PM  
More low-IQ trash from the Fluffington Post, kingdom of deceptive headlines, garbage new age health advice, and grotesquely uninformed, self-important "poets, artists and playwrights" who masquerade as social critic columnists.
 
2013-02-26 07:38:38 PM  
1. The wife is the main problem, and she won't change because she loves the attention. It makes her feel better about not being home with the kid all day.

2. If a child kicks you in the face, the child needs to be severely and immediately punished.

3. Neither one of the adults is attracted to the other anymore. He's an emasculated wimp, which makes him unappealing, and she's an unsympathetic attention whore who'd rather snuggle with her child than spend time with her whiny, boring husband.
 
2013-02-26 07:41:39 PM  

pmmal: Jeremy Davies unavailable for comment.

/Spanking the Monkey


I still never understand why he reached for his dog while sitting on the can. Like... what the fark?
 
2013-02-26 07:43:31 PM  

clowncar on fire: Tillmaster: When he found what he had done,
He tore his eyes out, one by one,
A tragic end to a loyal son,
Who loved his mother.

At least give Tom Lehrer his credit where credit is due.


This is Fark. I didn't think I needed to.
 
2013-02-26 07:44:00 PM  

Emo Jeezus: More low-IQ trash from the Fluffington Post, kingdom of deceptive headlines, garbage new age health advice, and grotesquely uninformed, self-important "poets, artists and playwrights" who masquerade as social critic columnists.



  Wow!   add a little harmonica and guitar....and that's a Bob Dylan song.
 
2013-02-26 07:54:18 PM  
I think this article deserves a visit from CPS. Eeew.
 
2013-02-26 07:55:50 PM  
Dude! You just french kissed your mom!
img.photobucket.com
 
2013-02-26 07:56:24 PM  
Start hitting the little farker every time he tries that or get's in the middle of stuff. This man is actually competing with his 3 and a half year old son, its not hard to make a kid that young afraid of you.
 
2013-02-26 08:00:03 PM  
Dude is a HUGE pussy.
Wife is likely farking a guy that make her feel like a real woman on the side...
 
GBB
2013-02-26 08:01:07 PM  
i2.listal.com
 
2013-02-26 08:05:58 PM  
Just how far doe's the acorn fall from the tree?
 
2013-02-26 08:11:32 PM  

lostcat: FunkOut:

Never underestimate the limitless bullheaded all-or-nothing persistance of a toddler. Some are too insane to reason with, threaten, or bribe into doing the normal proper thing. Some would rather cry until they puked because they wanted an old pizza crust that was supposed to go into the garbage and will refuse chocolate cake because DAMMMIT I WANTED THAT PIZZA CRUST MY WHOLE LIFE IS RUINED I WANTED THAT ROTTEN OLD CRUST IT MEANT THE WORLD TO ME I WOULD RATHER DIE THAN EAT DELICIOUS CAKE I WANT THAT PIZZA CRUST BECAUSE I HAVE A NOTION AND I AM A STUPID INSANE CHILD.

This is something that has to be experienced as a parent to truly appreciate.



So let them have the farking pizza crust, what do you care? Maybe once they have the tasteless old thing and see everyone else enjoying delicious cake, they will learn new respect for what you were trying to offer them instead. While the tantrum continues, all they know is that you are stopping them from having what they want. So let them have what they want, as long as it does not harm them or cost you money, who farking cares? Let them have the illusion that they have some farking control over their own life.

But yeah the guy in the article is all about himself, not one world about any fun times he was able to create for the kid, nothing about books read together or teaching conversations or trips to the park or museum or teaching him to ride a bike or swim or hunt for butterflies or bugs or play video games together or toss a ball around in the park or learn to play baseball, nothing about doing any dad stuff, maybe the dad really just does not want to be a dad and he does not like the kid and the kid is smart enough to pick up on it. The whole article is about how the dad is the victim of the kids bad behavior, it's like the dad is a big crybaby, and is squealing to the world that his baby son is mean to him and is bullying him. Jeez. Teach the kid to be a better man than that. By example, if you can.

Or maybe the guy is a schmuck and the woman picked him up to be a stay at home free babysitter, even if he did not want a child. Guess that is the price you pay to be supported by a working wife.
 
2013-02-26 08:13:52 PM  

LDM90: Jesus Christ, get a divorce and put the kid up for adoption. It will fark you all up, but less so than the direction you're going now.


No shiat. What a creepy little kid. Oh, and the reason why the dad 'feels' like he's being emasculated? He has been!
 
2013-02-26 08:14:31 PM  
Sounds like you got some incest goin' on there. I think the problem statrted when you named the horny lil' bugger 'Felix'.
 
2013-02-26 08:15:21 PM  
OH. Wow. I guess it's creepy Unkka Vudu story time.
When I was a child in the 60's, my African-American-Jewish grandmother used to keep a pickled beef tongue in the Kelvinator fridge. It was a Hot Point brand. I remember, because her stove was a Cold Spot Model.
Yeah, weird, but that is the details.
Anyways, You could never tell how old the damned thing was, being pickled, and all, but I spent time between two grandmothers who never ever talked to each other.
One was Jewish and part Black, passing for white, and the other was Native American, passing for white, and a farmer's wife.
I knew about cows, with their lazy tongues slobbering this long drool all the time and no way was I going to put a part of a cow's mouth in mine.
My Jewish granny would always try to cut a sliver off the pickled beef tongue and slide it in my sammich.
I could tell because I listened to the fridge door in the nest room, and knew how many times it needed to be opened by a drunken hag to make a simple baloney sammich.
I was good at this shell game she played and never once ate the tongue.
Yik.
Well, as luck would have it, my father finally landed a good job in a city and got us a nice house in the burbs. In middle school, some university got a huge grant to go out and "study" kids.
They got to study my school. They sent all kinds of students and professors out to collect data and to their "research" and they subjected us to all kinds of tests where we were injected, inspected, detected, infected,neglected and selected.  And finally...
Finally, we got to the students and professors who gave us pubescent and prepubescent kids a psychological exam.
I waited in line, having waited on the group W bench, and went in for questioning.
The guys had a clip board and asked me all kinds of questions about my up until now, fairly boring life.
Then he popped the question.
"Kid"? He said. "Kid? What would be the most traumatic event in your life, thus far"?
And I had to think about it.
I had witnessed dinner being murdered.
I had plucked and skinned dinner, even.
I had seen kids bitten by copperheads and not recover.
I had found kittens decomposing in paper bags in creeks, and I really really had to think about it.
And he said "Kid? Do you know what 'traumatic' means"?
And i said, "Yes, I do.
I'm thinking about it".
And he left me alone for a moment.
Than I said, Sir? I think I know.
And he licked his #2 pencil and leaned over his clipboard and I blurted out
"I think it was all those times when I was much younger living in the country and my grandmother tried to slip me the tongue"
And he threw up all over the clipboard and I ran out and all the other kids patted me on the back and I was a farking hero for a week until some other kid upstaged me and ate and entire month's supply of his mother's birth control pills. And they had to take him to the doctor.

Oh. Wait. That was me, too.
And the doctor told my mom not to worry about me getting knocked up anytime soon.
/end Creepy Story, Bro.
 
2013-02-26 08:15:22 PM  

MadAzza: 1. The wife is the main problem, and she won't change because she loves the attention. It makes her feel better about not being home with the kid all day.

2. If a child kicks you in the face, the child needs to be severely and immediately punished.

3. Neither one of the adults is attracted to the other anymore. He's an emasculated wimp, which makes him unappealing, and she's an unsympathetic attention whore who'd rather snuggle with her child than spend time with her whiny, boring husband.


This. (and that, and that too.)
 
2013-02-26 08:24:14 PM  
(sigh)  Lesbian couple problems.

/somewhat kidding
//not about the no man in the marriage part
 
2013-02-26 08:25:39 PM  

fuhfuhfuh: planes: Definition of Gross: When you kiss your gramma goodbye, and she gives you the tongue.

If you don't cup her tits when kissing her goodbye, that tends not to happen that much.


It's not incest if the tits aren't cupped.
 
2013-02-26 08:29:15 PM  

WeenerGord: So let them have the farking pizza crust, what do you care? Maybe once they have the tasteless old thing and see everyone else enjoying delicious cake, they will learn new respect for what you were trying to offer them instead. While the tantrum continues, all they know is that you are stopping them from having what they want. So let them have what they want, as long as it does not harm them or cost you money, who farking cares?


Giving a toddler anything they want just because they're throwing a tantrum teaches them that tantrums will get them what they want.  When they get older, those tantrums get much worse.  That's why parents care.
 
2013-02-26 08:35:54 PM  

spicorama: Dude is a HUGE pussy.
Wife is likely farking a guy that make her feel like a real woman on the side...


That happens to be her 3 year old son.
 
2013-02-26 08:38:51 PM  
Here's an idea, ask your wife why the hell she's allowing her son to put his fraking tongue into her mouth! That's the real question. What kind of mother allows that kind of behaviour to develop between herself and her child?
Cheek kisses, forhead kisses, nose kisses, even lip kisses (to a certain age) are all understandable between mother and baby, but at 3 years old, how the fak does she explain away french kisses????!!!
 
2013-02-26 08:50:53 PM  
So she's a MILK.

pollynoble.com
 
2013-02-26 09:06:06 PM  
The Dad screams.."YOU"RE FARKING MY MOTHER!!!???!!"....The kid looks up at him and says..."Not so funny is it?"

lemming42: Recommend changing the punchline a bit for maximum funny:
The Dad screams.."WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!!???!!"....The kid looks up at him and says..."Not so funny when it's YOUR mother, is it?"



Louisiana_Sitar_Club:  You're one of those guys that thinks that a joke gets funnier the more you explain it, aren't you? There was absolutely no ambiguity regarding what the kid meant and it was snappier. The extra words you want to throw in add nothing of comedic value. Nothing. The first punch line offered was better.


I disagree. Walking in on the kid boning his own grandmother, the father wouldn't really say "YOU"RE FARKING MY MOTHER!!!???!!"  to his presumably young son, it just seems like unlikely phrasing and an awkward way to set up the punchline. The second version's "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!!???!!" is much more "believable" within the confines of the joke, and sets up the kid to deliver the sharper, less ambiguous version of the punchline: "Not so funny when it's YOUR mother, is it?"

This also gives the joke teller a chance to lean on the word "YOUR" to make sure the entire audience "gets it," whereas the vaguer "Not so funny is it?"  just sort of peters out without driving home the point of the joke.
 
2013-02-26 09:16:33 PM  
Dude needs to bail on the wife and kid ASAP, that ship has sailed. Of course, that means he'd have to her a real job and stop being a "stay at home dad".
 
2013-02-26 09:20:19 PM  

Barricaded Gunman: This also gives the joke teller a chance to lean on the word "YOUR" to make sure the entire audience "gets it," whereas the vaguer "Not so funny is it?" just sort of peters out without driving home the point of the joke


Aristocrats?
 
2013-02-26 09:21:16 PM  
If I hug her, he insinuates himself between us, literally pushing us apart.

Miserable little cockblocker
 
2013-02-26 09:27:41 PM  
i.imgur.com

Bitty!

Also, it's not just boys that do this...

wheeeeeeee.com

Daddy says I'm the best at it
 
2013-02-26 09:29:33 PM  
vudukungfu
You are funny and I'd be willing to invite you over for another Thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat.

Except I found your name on an envelope on the bottom of a pile of garbage and need an explanation, preferably with circles and arrows.
 
2013-02-26 09:32:16 PM  

WeenerGord: lostcat: FunkOut:

Never underestimate the limitless bullheaded all-or-nothing persistance of a toddler. Some are too insane to reason with, threaten, or bribe into doing the normal proper thing. Some would rather cry until they puked because they wanted an old pizza crust that was supposed to go into the garbage and will refuse chocolate cake because DAMMMIT I WANTED THAT PIZZA CRUST MY WHOLE LIFE IS RUINED I WANTED THAT ROTTEN OLD CRUST IT MEANT THE WORLD TO ME I WOULD RATHER DIE THAN EAT DELICIOUS CAKE I WANT THAT PIZZA CRUST BECAUSE I HAVE A NOTION AND I AM A STUPID INSANE CHILD.

This is something that has to be experienced as a parent to truly appreciate.


So let them have the farking pizza crust, what do you care? Maybe once they have the tasteless old thing and see everyone else enjoying delicious cake, they will learn new respect for what you were trying to offer them instead. While the tantrum continues, all they know is that you are stopping them from having what they want. So let them have what they want, as long as it does not harm them or cost you money, who farking cares? Let them have the illusion that they have some farking control over their own life.


...


When it's a piece of pizza crust that you tossed into the garbage, no problem. But when the kid wakes up at 2:00am and wants apple juice, and there's no apple juice in the house, and you explain that apple juice is not an option, then you are dealing with the screaching-crying-until-puking behavior.

Then it doesn't matter that you offer grape juice, milk, cookies, whatever...The kid has decided that apple juice is the only thing that matters in the entire world.

And anyone who thinks there's a reasonable, logical way to convice a 2-year-old kid to stop crying because you can't magically make apple juice appear at 2:00am has obviously never been a parent, or thinks hitting a kid to make it stop crying is a good idea.
 
2013-02-26 09:34:55 PM  

Dr._Love: vudukungfu
You are funny and I'd be willing to invite you over for another Thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat.

Except I found your name on an envelope on the bottom of a pile of garbage and need an explanation, preferably with circles and arrows.


Obie?
 
2013-02-26 09:40:49 PM  
It's called spanking. You're welcome.
www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net
 
2013-02-26 09:44:42 PM  
No "Time Enough for Love" references? Doesn't anybody read Heinlein anymore?

/mmm... green garters
 
2013-02-26 10:07:15 PM  
www.blogcdn.com
 
2013-02-26 10:13:12 PM  

Kirby Muxloe: [www.blogcdn.com image 528x318]


   that guy on the left looks like Sean Penn Lite...
 
2013-02-26 10:24:21 PM  
If he leaves her and divorces her does he get alimony?
 
2013-02-26 10:24:29 PM  

lostcat: When it's a piece of pizza crust that you tossed into the garbage, no problem. But when the kid wakes up at 2:00am and wants apple juice, and there's no apple juice in the house, and you explain that apple juice is not an option, then you are dealing with the screaching-crying-until-puking behavior.

Then it doesn't matter that you offer grape juice, milk, cookies, whatever...The kid has decided that apple juice is the only thing that matters in the entire world.

And anyone who thinks there's a reasonable, logical way to convice a 2-year-old kid to stop crying because you can't magically make apple juice appear at 2:00am has obviously never been a parent, or thinks hitting a kid to make it stop crying is a good idea.



Yeah, ok, got me there. I don't know what to say about that.

/Ward, what are we going to do about the Beaver?
//Send him to summer camp.
 
2013-02-26 10:33:48 PM  
The entire family needs to be put down.  That is all.
 
2013-02-26 10:34:17 PM  
Bad mommy thread?
 
2013-02-26 11:03:49 PM  
www.styleite.com
 
2013-02-27 12:29:18 AM  

Kirby Muxloe: [www.blogcdn.com image 528x318]


Beat me to the punch.
digitalpolyphony.webs.com
 
2013-02-27 01:22:09 AM  
Beat his ass once in a while or you'll have a serial killer or rapist on your hands, unless she allows this because she likes it and in that case, beat hers.

But, on the side, at least you know he's not gay? NTTAWWT
 
2013-02-27 01:25:53 AM  
Meh, wait until the kid is 10 and it'll be the exact opposite. He'll want nothing to do with Mom, and will only listen to man-talk from Dad and it'll be a total sausage-fest. Of course, I kinda miss the 3 year old stage more because I had more time to hang out with my computers on Fark.

And then a few years after that, he'll give both of you the finger because he'll always be farking around with his friends once they all grow a pair. So enjoy having any attention from your kids now while it lasts.
 
2013-02-27 01:29:22 AM  
A man walked into a biker one day and walked up to the meanest toughest guy there and said, "I farked your mom last night!" A hush fell over the crowd.  The biker ignored it and the man said, "And she gives great head too!"  Still, the biker said nothing.  The man said, "She really likes anal too!"

Finally the biker stood up, turned to the man and grabbed him by the collar and pulled him close and yelled, "GO HOME DAD!  YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN!"

Just reminded me of this joke for some reason.
 
2013-02-27 01:32:18 AM  

illannoyin: [i.imgur.com image 360x252]

Bitty!

Also, it's not just boys that do this...

[wheeeeeeee.com image 640x384]

Daddy says I'm the best at it


I thought of making the Cousin Eddie reference, but couldn't figure out how to change sexes for the reference.
 
2013-02-27 02:47:40 AM  

Barricaded Gunman: The Dad screams.."YOU"RE FARKING MY MOTHER!!!???!!"....The kid looks up at him and says..."Not so funny is it?"

lemming42: Recommend changing the punchline a bit for maximum funny:
The Dad screams.."WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!!???!!"....The kid looks up at him and says..."Not so funny when it's YOUR mother, is it?"


Louisiana_Sitar_Club:  You're one of those guys that thinks that a joke gets funnier the more you explain it, aren't you? There was absolutely no ambiguity regarding what the kid meant and it was snappier. The extra words you want to throw in add nothing of comedic value. Nothing. The first punch line offered was better.


I disagree. Walking in on the kid boning his own grandmother, the father wouldn't really say "YOU"RE FARKING MY MOTHER!!!???!!"  to his presumably young son, it just seems like unlikely phrasing and an awkward way to set up the punchline. The second version's "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!!???!!" is much more "believable" within the confines of the joke, and sets up the kid to deliver the sharper, less ambiguous version of the punchline: "Not so funny when it's YOUR mother, is it?"

This also gives the joke teller a chance to lean on the word "YOUR" to make sure the entire audience "gets it," whereas the vaguer "Not so funny is it?"  just sort of peters out without driving home the point of the joke.



As Luisiana_Sitar_Club said, there was no ambiguity. Anyone in any audience so dim that they wouldn't get it is probably drunk or dumb enough just to be giggling at hearing the f word, and therefore probably isn't worth worrying over.

"Not so funny is it?" doesn't peter out, it's a short, effective comedic twist calling back to an earlier statement. Over-explanation is terrible for any punchline, because the whole point of a punchline is that it delivers the humorous revelation in as snappy a mental click as possible, letting pent-up comedic tension suddenly loose.

The more long-winded a punchline, the worse its impact:
"Given that as Superman, you're not a very representative aerodynamic sample, it's irresponsible to present yourself as such, and such misrepresentation is damning evidence of the bad temperament you tend to exhibit when you over-indulge in alcohol, as you evidently have done tonight, despite generally being known in popular imagination as a morally upstanding character."
/That's more than 40 words, and that's terrible
 
2013-02-27 03:30:25 AM  
I French kissed my mom once. One thing led to another, then I had a baby sister, then as she got older, I French kissed her, and then I had a baby daughter....
 
2013-02-27 03:34:46 AM  

lennavan: And like a little Allen, my son is, at three-and-a-half, a true neurotic.

A wildly misleading, attention grabbing headline in order to drive page views.Well done, writer.So I clicked, let's hear it.

Stay-At-Home Dad ... It's funny, though. My wife was the one who wanted a kid, while I was never as sold on the idea.

Dude, you're a stay-at-home dad for a kid you weren't sold on because your career as a "writer" is pathetic.  See for instance this article.


Incest jokes aside, the thread was over right here.
 
2013-02-27 03:46:47 AM  

The Irresponsible Captain: I think this article deserves a visit from CPS. Eeew.


Child porn services?
 
2013-02-27 04:27:52 AM  

Albert Lake: "I caught my daughter giving head to my brother."


Wow, a CKY reference. Neat!
 
2013-02-27 05:14:03 AM  
This guy has to fight his son. Like 1920s boxing style. A standup, 5 round bare-knuckle brawl. Assuming this half-man wins, he can then lay down tried and true words of fatherly wisdom on his broken and bloodied, would be usurper.
 
2013-02-27 07:47:28 AM  

ReverendJasen: WeenerGord: So let them have the farking pizza crust, what do you care? Maybe once they have the tasteless old thing and see everyone else enjoying delicious cake, they will learn new respect for what you were trying to offer them instead. While the tantrum continues, all they know is that you are stopping them from having what they want. So let them have what they want, as long as it does not harm them or cost you money, who farking cares?

Giving a toddler anything they want just because they're throwing a tantrum teaches them that tantrums will get them what they want.  When they get older, those tantrums get much worse.  That's why parents care.

they call 911 when McDonalds farks up their order

FTFY
 
2013-02-27 07:56:05 AM  

Kirby Muxloe: [www.blogcdn.com image 528x318]


That took longer than I expected...

\Shut up, Ted!
 
2013-02-27 08:11:16 AM  
www.nobodygoeshere.com
 
2013-02-27 08:31:32 AM  
♫Did it happen in the USA? Did it happen in the USA?♫
 
2013-02-27 08:43:52 AM  

DaseinDada: No "Time Enough for Love" references? Doesn't anybody read Heinlein anymore?

/mmm... green garters



 I always thought the follow-up book "To Sail Beyond the Sunset" went a little further down the incest road than "Time Enough for Love". It turns out Maureen was even more of a freak than Lazarus.
 
2013-02-27 08:58:51 AM  

LewDux: ♫Did it happen in the USA? Did it happen in the USA?♫


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RtKuRTQAvV4
 
2013-02-27 09:36:38 AM  

silvervial: Albert Lake: "I caught my daughter giving head to my brother."

Wow, a CKY reference. Neat!


-nods-
 
2013-02-27 09:51:23 AM  
"This means that, though the Stay-At-Home Dad, I often feel marginal in the family, and emasculated. Not because I'm cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the tot, but because no one wants me around, and guys are, to some degree, like proud peacocks. We, or at least I, want to feel wanted. I guess everyone does, really."

Maybe you should just sack up at home instead of biatching about it on the internet...
 
2013-02-27 10:06:19 AM  

Barricaded Gunman: The Dad screams.."YOU"RE FARKING MY MOTHER!!!???!!"....The kid looks up at him and says..."Not so funny is it?"

lemming42: Recommend changing the punchline a bit for maximum funny:
The Dad screams.."WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!!???!!"....The kid looks up at him and says..."Not so funny when it's YOUR mother, is it?"


Louisiana_Sitar_Club:  You're one of those guys that thinks that a joke gets funnier the more you explain it, aren't you? There was absolutely no ambiguity regarding what the kid meant and it was snappier. The extra words you want to throw in add nothing of comedic value. Nothing. The first punch line offered was better.


I disagree. Walking in on the kid boning his own grandmother, the father wouldn't really say "YOU"RE FARKING MY MOTHER!!!???!!"  to his presumably young son, it just seems like unlikely phrasing and an awkward way to set up the punchline. The second version's "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!!???!!" is much more "believable" within the confines of the joke, and sets up the kid to deliver the sharper, less ambiguous version of the punchline: "Not so funny when it's YOUR mother, is it?"

This also gives the joke teller a chance to lean on the word "YOUR" to make sure the entire audience "gets it," whereas the vaguer "Not so funny is it?"  just sort of peters out without driving home the point of the joke.


The joke is fine as is, I nearly fell out of my chair reading because I was laughing so hard.
 
2013-02-27 03:56:38 PM  

PastaBeater: I French kissed my mom once. One thing led to another, then I had a baby sister, then as she got older, I French kissed her, and then I had a baby daughter....


PastaBeater, you degenerate!
 
2013-02-27 07:38:26 PM  
www.herbalgranny.com
 
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