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(McSweeney's)   Dear sir or madam, I am writing to apply for the position of Pope   (mcsweeneys.net ) divider line
    More: Amusing, Bachelor of Arts degree, sir, King Lear, AXA, Dartmouth College  
•       •       •

4159 clicks; posted to Geek » on 26 Feb 2013 at 3:52 PM (3 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



57 Comments     (+0 »)
 
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2013-02-26 03:22:56 PM  
I'd rather be the dope
 
2013-02-26 03:26:17 PM  
♪♫ It took me years to write, because I smoke the dope...♫♪
 
2013-02-26 03:31:42 PM  
I can't believe Ratzinger is taking the title "Pope Emeritus", and remaining not only in Vatican City but in the same building that houses the Papal Apartments. They should "retire him" a la Godfather III.
 
2013-02-26 03:39:40 PM  

Gig103: They should "retire him" a la Godfather III.


Historically "ex-popes" don't live all that long.

/OK, you don't have the Holy Roman Emperor breathing down your neck anymore, but still.
 
2013-02-26 03:39:41 PM  
Is it too late for me to get one of those internet preachin licenses?
 
2013-02-26 03:40:49 PM  
This is an ex-pope!
 
2013-02-26 03:45:47 PM  

jehovahs witness protection: Is it too late for me to get one of those internet preachin licenses?


There are only two prerequisites to be pope. You need to be Catholic, and you need to be Male.

You don't have to be in any religious service.
 
2013-02-26 03:48:15 PM  

Darth_Lukecash: jehovahs witness protection: Is it too late for me to get one of those internet preachin licenses?

There are only two prerequisites to be pope. You need to be Catholic, and you need to be Male.

You don't have to be in any religious service.


To hell with that!
I'm not becoming Catholic. Those people sound like they are about to perform human sacrifice at their cult meetings.
 
2013-02-26 03:54:04 PM  

Darth_Lukecash: jehovahs witness protection: Is it too late for me to get one of those internet preachin licenses?

There are only two prerequisites to be pope. You need to be Catholic, and you need to be Male.

You don't have to be in any religious service.


Don't you have to be single and celebate too? I mean, you're joining the priesthood after all.
 
2013-02-26 03:57:32 PM  

cgraves67: Darth_Lukecash: jehovahs witness protection: Is it too late for me to get one of those internet preachin licenses?

There are only two prerequisites to be pope. You need to be Catholic, and you need to be Male.

You don't have to be in any religious service.

Don't you have to be single and celebate too? I mean, you're joining the priesthood after all.


Well, pretty much any Farker qualifies for that part

/and especially any Total Farker
 
2013-02-26 03:58:29 PM  

cgraves67: Darth_Lukecash: jehovahs witness protection: Is it too late for me to get one of those internet preachin licenses?

There are only two prerequisites to be pope. You need to be Catholic, and you need to be Male.

You don't have to be in any religious service.

Don't you have to be single and celebate too? I mean, you're joining the priesthood after all.


you're also supposed to take a vow of poverty, but that doesn't stop the pope from wearing dolce shoes and having his own car and city.

the article is teh lols
 
2013-02-26 03:58:36 PM  
Wait till they go to heaven, and find out that that whole thing was a miscommunication...

"What the hell do you mean CELEBRATE???? "
 
2013-02-26 04:01:16 PM  
I'm not Catholic but I like to get busy with other guys occasionally --is that sufficient qualification?
 
2013-02-26 04:05:02 PM  
Gotta admit, that pointy hat is a definite perk - but I would dislike wearing that furniture-upholstery robe thingee.
 
2013-02-26 04:05:28 PM  

cgraves67: Darth_Lukecash: jehovahs witness protection: Is it too late for me to get one of those internet preachin licenses?

There are only two prerequisites to be pope. You need to be Catholic, and you need to be Male.

You don't have to be in any religious service.

Don't you have to be single and celebate too? I mean, you're joining the priesthood after all.


You will have to become "celibate" and you will be fast tracked up priest to pope.
That has happened historically.

Once you become pope,you could change the rules.

Little known fact: priests were allowed to be married at one time and they did not have to be celibate.(depending in order, of course)

This was changed over the years. One was because of inheritance issues with marriage. The other was that single priests were raping women in the confessionals, (hence the original divider) So to make the priest more acceptable, they enforced celibacy.
 
2013-02-26 04:08:07 PM  

thecpt: cgraves67: Darth_Lukecash: jehovahs witness protection: Is it too late for me to get one of those internet preachin licenses?

There are only two prerequisites to be pope. You need to be Catholic, and you need to be Male.

You don't have to be in any religious service.

Don't you have to be single and celebate too? I mean, you're joining the priesthood after all.

you're also supposed to take a vow of poverty, but that doesn't stop the pope from wearing dolce shoes and having his own car and city.

the article is teh lols


Actually vow of poverty depends on the order.

The bling belongs to the church, not the pope.
 
2013-02-26 04:14:35 PM  

Gig103


They should "retire him" a la Godfather III.


NOTHING should be done a la 'Godfather III'.
 
2013-02-26 04:15:53 PM  

Darth_Lukecash: Little known fact: priests were allowed to be married at one time and they did not have to be celibate.(depending in order, of course)


I believe Eastern Orthodox priests are still allowed to marry.
 
2013-02-26 04:33:10 PM  
"...my Spanish language skills "hablar" for themselves."

Best line ever.
 
2013-02-26 04:33:33 PM  

Arkanaut: Darth_Lukecash: Little known fact: priests were allowed to be married at one time and they did not have to be celibate.(depending in order, of course)

I believe Eastern Orthodox priests are still allowed to marry.


Also, if you are already a pastor in a protestent church and married you can convert to Catholicism and become a preist while still married.
 
2013-02-26 04:34:41 PM  

The Stealth Hippopotamus: I'd rather be the dope


Prince for Pope!


/current belief systems aside...
 
2013-02-26 04:40:30 PM  

SpdrJay: I'm not Catholic but I like to get busy with other guys occasionally --is that sufficient qualification?


It seems to me that guys that for closeted guys that like getting it on with other guys, joining the priesthood ain't a bad idea.
1. No-one is going to ask why they don't see you with any girlfriends.
2. It's cheaper than a beard
3. You've got lots of other guys who are going to be thinking likewise. You're going to hook up, and they aren't going to tell.
 
2013-02-26 04:49:13 PM  
While I've never studied Catholicism per se'........
 
2013-02-26 04:59:13 PM  

the money is in the banana stand: "...my Spanish language skills "hablar" for themselves."

Best line ever.


Anyone else 'no habla' ?

encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com
 
2013-02-26 05:02:47 PM  

farkeruk: It seems to me that guys that for closeted guys that like getting it on with other guys, joining the priesthood ain't a bad idea.


God father is gay and tried to be a priest many years back.  He left/got kicked out after about a year.  I never asked why, and it doesn't seem important. I'm just saying there might be a flaw in your logic.
 
2013-02-26 05:07:40 PM  
That job would be so boring. All I would do is mope.
 
2013-02-26 05:10:58 PM  
www.michael-mcmanus.com
 
2013-02-26 05:13:06 PM  

Ned Stark: Arkanaut: Darth_Lukecash: Little known fact: priests were allowed to be married at one time and they did not have to be celibate.(depending in order, of course)

I believe Eastern Orthodox priests are still allowed to marry.

Also, if you are already a pastor in a protestent church and married you can convert to Catholicism and become a preist while still married.


That's only in Britain., I believe... Once Anglicans approved of women or gays or something like that...
 
2013-02-26 05:16:37 PM  
Only 2 more days of p-Benny. Then when we're pope-less, no sins count right??? Right???
 
2013-02-26 05:21:05 PM  

thecpt: the article is teh lols


I second that...

Thought it was awesomeness...
 
2013-02-26 05:28:05 PM  

stonicus: [www.michael-mcmanus.com image 268x400]


You get a month in the dark universe for that.
 
2013-02-26 05:41:02 PM  
Hey, you want me ta be pope, I mean, all you gotta do is pick up da phone, am I right?  I don't got time ta be schleppin' all over town just so youse can look at some piece a paper wit' my name on it.  You think I'm right for da job, then let's go, let's do dis thing, you got your lawyers, I got my lawyers, we sit down tuhgedder, maybe order in some Chinese, and we knock out a deal.  Boom, bing, done, am I right?  I get on a plane, I get over dere, I order some new furniture, get fitted for some uh dem crazy robes, I shake some hands, spread a little cash around, boom, bing, done, am I right?  In like flint.  You got no problems.  No problems.

Alright, you let me know.  But I ain't got forever, I got other deals, you know what I'm sayin'.
 
2013-02-26 05:41:03 PM  
Okay, that was pretty awesome.

Not as awesome as the McSweeney's pirate store, but still.
 
2013-02-26 05:44:35 PM  
Dear Sir,

I am free to accept the job of pope, but I have to have this Wednesday off, because my cousin got tickets for the Nets a long time ago, and I have to go take my mom to Bingo on Tuesdays, and I hope there's not much typing, because I don't like typing.

Also I assume that Fridays are business casual.

Please let me know by end of day.  I will need an advance on my first week's pay.

Regards,
Kibbler
 
2013-02-26 05:45:03 PM  
Application accepted

i.imgur.com
 
2013-02-26 05:53:45 PM  

Darth_Lukecash: jehovahs witness protection: Is it too late for me to get one of those internet preachin licenses?

There are only two prerequisites to be pope. You need to be Catholic, and you need to be Male.

You don't have to be in any religious service.


Eh, well I am farked. Not either. Not enough duct tape to reasonably hide the female. Sigh.
 
2013-02-26 06:05:08 PM  
Dear Sir,

I wish to complain in the strongest possible terms about the letter you have just posted about the person that wishes to become the next Pope. Many of my best friends are priests, and only a few of them have been accused to didlind. Yours faithfully, Brigadier Sir Charles Arthur Strong, Mrs. P.S. I have never kissed the editor of the Radio Times.
 
2013-02-26 06:26:25 PM  
 Fta: 'integrated my chosen areas of study, including Advanced Shakespeare, Social Media and Society and 20th Century History of Latin Jazz.'

I don't even interview people who can't be bothered to throw in an Oxford comma.
 
2013-02-26 06:26:36 PM  

cgraves67: Darth_Lukecash: jehovahs witness protection: Is it too late for me to get one of those internet preachin licenses?

There are only two prerequisites to be pope. You need to be Catholic, and you need to be Male.

You don't have to be in any religious service.

Don't you have to be single and celebate too? I mean, you're joining the priesthood after all.


No you don't.
 
2013-02-26 06:58:28 PM  

stonicus: [www.michael-mcmanus.com image 268x400]


Was not expecting G. G. Rota.

/Leaving pleasantly surprised.
 
2013-02-26 07:11:56 PM  

Snapper Carr: Application accepted

[i.imgur.com image 456x310]


I was at the premier of the film "Maybe Logic." The audience gave a standing ovation when Robert Anton Wilson declared everyone a Discordian pope.

As a Discordian pope, I am absolutely infallible and I don't take shiat from anyone.
 
2013-02-26 07:18:10 PM  
 
2013-02-26 07:38:23 PM  

Anastacya: Darth_Lukecash: jehovahs witness protection: Is it too late for me to get one of those internet preachin licenses?

There are only two prerequisites to be pope. You need to be Catholic, and you need to be Male.

You don't have to be in any religious service.

Eh, well I am farked. Not either. Not enough duct tape to reasonably hide the female. Sigh.


actually there was a female pope once  Pope Joan  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pope_Joan">http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ Pope_Joan
 
2013-02-26 07:45:13 PM  

mcsmiley: Anastacya: Darth_Lukecash: jehovahs witness protection: Is it too late for me to get one of those internet preachin licenses?

There are only two prerequisites to be pope. You need to be Catholic, and you need to be Male.

You don't have to be in any religious service.

Eh, well I am farked. Not either. Not enough duct tape to reasonably hide the female. Sigh.

actually there was a female pope once  Pope Joan  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pope_Joan">http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ Pope_Joan


There is less evidence for Pope Joan outside crackpot fever-dreams than there is that gravity is actually caused by lots of invisible, intangible drunken pink badgers sitting on things
 
2013-02-26 08:09:14 PM  
The use of "madam" in the salutation was unnecessary. It also betrays a lack of knowledge that the Roman Catholic Church is a patriarchy.
 
2013-02-26 08:28:54 PM  

oryx: It also betrays a lack of knowledge that the Roman Catholic Church is a patriarch


It is more properly a phallocracy, since if you become a father, you are doing it wrong


/plus altar boys don't gestate
 
2013-02-26 08:41:58 PM  
You can be pope for six easy monthly payments of just $129.95. At no extra charge you will also receive the video Maximum Pope Workout. Don't accept imitations. This papacy is not a gimmick like some high priesthoods. This is the Infallible High Throne of the One True Church. You will not be disappointed.
 
2013-02-26 08:54:28 PM  

phalamir: mcsmiley: Anastacya: Darth_Lukecash: jehovahs witness protection: Is it too late for me to get one of those internet preachin licenses?

There are only two prerequisites to be pope. You need to be Catholic, and you need to be Male.

You don't have to be in any religious service.

Eh, well I am farked. Not either. Not enough duct tape to reasonably hide the female. Sigh.

actually there was a female pope once  Pope Joan  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pope_Joan">http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ Pope_Joan

There is less evidence for Pope Joan outside crackpot fever-dreams than there is that gravity is actually caused by lots of invisible, intangible drunken pink badgers sitting on things


Never heard of it.  It must be outlandish if "Ancient Aliens" was on TV and this hasn't been.  Of all the goofy "In Search Of" type "documentaries" I've seen on various forms of History/Discovery channels and never once heard of this it has to be looney.


/loves "quotes"
 
2013-02-26 09:21:24 PM  
Pope, pope, pope of the jungle, friend to you and me...

Uh-UH-uh, uh-UH-uh

...watch out for that tree!

/Brendan Fraser needs work
//just sayin
 
2013-02-26 11:21:44 PM  

Englebert Slaptyback: Gig103

They should "retire him" a la Godfather III.


NOTHING should be done a la 'Godfather III'.


What is this "Godfather III" you speak of?

You must be mistaken.
 
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