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(io9)   Are you in danger of spontaneously combusting? Here's a doctor's list of the risk factors that you should be aware of   ( divider line
    More: PSA, risk factors, moderation  
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9659 clicks; posted to Main » on 26 Feb 2013 at 9:53 AM (4 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

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2013-02-26 10:05:23 AM  
4 votes:
It burns when I pee.  Does that mean I'm going to combust?
2013-02-26 11:10:09 AM  
2 votes:
Why isn't being a drummer on the list?
2013-02-26 11:24:41 AM  
1 vote:

What's interesting about this is that he solved the mystery of spontaneous combustion 200 years ago.  There's nothing spontaneous about it, it's old fat drunks who passed out and set themselves on fire accidentally, and then their body fat burned like a candle.

Is "failing to notice you're on fire" one of the signs of hitting bottom? If so, because the guy in "Leaving Las Vegas" was never that far gone or that drunk, it must happen only in truly talented cases.

Note to self: keep a jug of water handy. But then I would anyway because I can't guzzle bourbon without needing a chaser.

Or would water only spread the flames, like when bacon catches fire? Maybe a bucket of sand or a bag of clay cat litter would be better.

Most of you would think of a fire extinguisher but a BC might not work for that and a class K costs the equivalent of several months' worth of Old Crow. Besides if I were drunk enough to set myself on fire operating such a complicated mechanical device would probably be beyond my ability.

I quit smoking years ago so that removes "dropped lit match, lighter or cigarette" as a risk factor, and there's been no recent opportunity to test it but I bet that if the electricity were to go out and the batteries were dead in my backup device I could somehow manage to drink in the dark. Something tells me I'd be far more likely to spill my booze than set myself alight, so the simple expedient of drinking from a bottle that I never let go of should manage that risk well enough.

Damn. Nobody told me taking to drink would be so hazardous. Maybe I should switch to freebasing instead?
2013-02-26 09:58:31 AM  
1 vote:
No relentless fapping on the list?  Phew!
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