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(io9)   Are you in danger of spontaneously combusting? Here's a doctor's list of the risk factors that you should be aware of   (io9.com) divider line 34
    More: PSA, risk factors, moderation  
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9635 clicks; posted to Main » on 26 Feb 2013 at 9:53 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-02-26 09:58:26 AM
7. Combustion was extremely rapid.
8. The flames were difficult to extinguish.
9. The flames produced a strong empyreumatic odor.
10. The surrounding room was coated with a thick, yellow, greasy film.
11. The first usually consumed the trunk of the body, but left the head and extremities intact.

I'm trying to figure out how those are risk factors. Has the job of Editing just completely vanished from the earth?
 
2013-02-26 09:58:31 AM
No relentless fapping on the list?  Phew!
 
2013-02-26 09:59:58 AM
"6. At the scene there was often an external flame, such as a candle or fireplace. "

Erm. . .That's not spontaneous combustion...
 
2013-02-26 10:02:18 AM
Nice, I learned what empyreumatic means.  BBQ smell.
 
2013-02-26 10:05:00 AM
Were they smokers?
Were they wearing a thick cotton outer garment much like a wick?
 
2013-02-26 10:05:23 AM
It burns when I pee.  Does that mean I'm going to combust?
 
2013-02-26 10:06:20 AM
I imagine the first risk factor is that you get your health information from a "Fark Affiliate"tm website.
 
2013-02-26 10:09:31 AM
Ughhh! Our whole office could combust any afternoon on a Taco Tuesday...

More gas than a Texaco
 
2013-02-26 10:15:49 AM
about a decade ago, I never thought I would be at 23 on verge of sponateous combustion.  woe is me.

..only off by a year.
 
2013-02-26 10:17:17 AM
"8. The flames were difficult to extinguish. "

At first I wondered if I was at risk, but then I realized that if I caught fire, I would be easy to distinguish.  I just would.
 
2013-02-26 10:32:57 AM
What's interesting about this is that he solved the mystery of spontaneous combustion 200 years ago.  There's nothing spontaneous about it, it's old fat drunks who passed out and set themselves on fire accidentally, and then their body fat burned like a candle.
 
2013-02-26 10:49:26 AM

2chris2: What's interesting about this is that he solved the mystery of spontaneous combustion 200 years ago.  There's nothing spontaneous about it, it's old fat drunks who passed out and set themselves on fire accidentally, and then their body fat burned like a candle.


Yup. Nothing mysterious about it. But, yet people will still act like its a mystery.  Kinda like crop circle "experts" still claim crop circles are caused by UFO's rather than a couple of drunks with mathematics backgrounds who proved on video they could make them.
 
2013-02-26 10:58:32 AM
12: The victim was heard to say "Flame on!"
 
2013-02-26 11:06:25 AM
Look, if I didn't spontaneously combust in the mid 1980's it's an urban myth. There was enough blood in my alcohol system to drown a mouse.
And the friction of examples like the above only increased the risk of ignition.
*Looks back fondly through tequila colored glasses*


everyone should have 3 years like that.  It could most likely stop all this crap about killin each other and abortion and what not.  Might even make Kansas worth livin' in.  Hey, it's a thought.
 
2013-02-26 11:10:09 AM
Why isn't being a drummer on the list?
 
2013-02-26 11:16:09 AM
So if you're fat and old and smoke and drink you're going to fall asleep with a lit smoke and smolder some cold day.
 
2013-02-26 11:24:41 AM
2chris2:

What's interesting about this is that he solved the mystery of spontaneous combustion 200 years ago.  There's nothing spontaneous about it, it's old fat drunks who passed out and set themselves on fire accidentally, and then their body fat burned like a candle.

Is "failing to notice you're on fire" one of the signs of hitting bottom? If so, because the guy in "Leaving Las Vegas" was never that far gone or that drunk, it must happen only in truly talented cases.

Note to self: keep a jug of water handy. But then I would anyway because I can't guzzle bourbon without needing a chaser.

Or would water only spread the flames, like when bacon catches fire? Maybe a bucket of sand or a bag of clay cat litter would be better.

Most of you would think of a fire extinguisher but a BC might not work for that and a class K costs the equivalent of several months' worth of Old Crow. Besides if I were drunk enough to set myself on fire operating such a complicated mechanical device would probably be beyond my ability.

I quit smoking years ago so that removes "dropped lit match, lighter or cigarette" as a risk factor, and there's been no recent opportunity to test it but I bet that if the electricity were to go out and the batteries were dead in my backup device I could somehow manage to drink in the dark. Something tells me I'd be far more likely to spill my booze than set myself alight, so the simple expedient of drinking from a bottle that I never let go of should manage that risk well enough.

Damn. Nobody told me taking to drink would be so hazardous. Maybe I should switch to freebasing instead?
 
2013-02-26 11:33:06 AM
Once I read this article, I almost shiat myself... and here's why.. btw.. this guy was my uncle..

http://5newsonline.com/2013/02/18/spontaneous-human-combustion-kills -s equoyah-county-man-sheriff-says/

He lived alone. Was a heavy smoker, and usually had a 12 pack finished before nine every morning, and could consume up to a couple of cases of beer a day easily, if not more. The ONLY fire damage was to him. None of the funiture or even the floor under him had damage. There was a greasy residue on the surfaces of the house.. it's just farking weird.. hand of God this man was my uncle..

/creepy
 
2013-02-26 11:33:20 AM
Songwriters: LINDE, DENNISLord almighty,
I feel my temperature rising
Higher higher
Its burning through to my soul

Girl, girl, girl
You gonna set me on fire
My brain is flaming
I don't know which way to go

Your kisses lift me higher
Like the sweet song of a choir
You light my morning sky
With burning love

Ooh, ooh, ooh,
I feel my temperature rising
Help me, Im flaming
I must be a hundred and nine
Burning, burning, burning
And nothing can cool me
I just might turn into smoke
But I feel fine

Cause your kisses lift me higher
Like a sweet song of a choir
And you light my morning sky
With burning love

Its coming closer
The flames are reaching my body
Please wont you help me
I feel like Im slipping away
Its hard to breath
And my chest is a-heaving

Lord almighty,
Im burning a hole where I lay
Cause your kisses lift me higher
Like the sweet song of a choir
You light my morning sky
With burning love
With burning love
Ah, ah, burning love
Im just a hunk, a hunk of burning love
Just a hunk, a hunk of burning love
Just a hunk, a hunk of burning love
Just a hunk, a hunk of burning love
Just a hunk, a hunk of burning love
Just a hunk, a hunk of burning love
 
2013-02-26 12:15:27 PM
#13 - Being a saint named Elmo.
 
2013-02-26 12:18:45 PM
wanted for questioning (far right)
i770.photobucket.com
 
2013-02-26 12:19:50 PM

Big Man On Campus: I'm trying to figure out how those are risk factors. Has the job of Editing just completely vanished from the earth?


This is a list from 1799, therefor editing does not apply, nor does the current definition of 'risk factor'.

There's an interesting video of the research done in France and the USA on the subject of 'restricted combustion of human bodies". The first six items on the article's list are spot on. Combustion is started by an external source, the victim is too drunk to wake up and the flames are restricted to the area around the body by a material that acts as a wick for the rendering fat.
 
2013-02-26 12:27:06 PM

Big Man On Campus: 7. Combustion was extremely rapid.
8. The flames were difficult to extinguish.
9. The flames produced a strong empyreumatic odor.
10. The surrounding room was coated with a thick, yellow, greasy film.
11. The first usually consumed the trunk of the body, but left the head and extremities intact.

I'm trying to figure out how those are risk factors. Has the job of Editing just completely vanished from the earth?


If your combustion is slow, you're not at risk of spontaneous combustion.
 
2013-02-26 12:27:55 PM
1. You are drunk and near a flame.
 
2013-02-26 01:01:05 PM

polt8115: Once I read this article, I almost shiat myself... and here's why.. btw.. this guy was my uncle..

http://5newsonline.com/2013/02/18/spontaneous-human-combustion-kills -s equoyah-county-man-sheriff-says/

He lived alone. Was a heavy smoker, and usually had a 12 pack finished before nine every morning, and could consume up to a couple of cases of beer a day easily, if not more. The ONLY fire damage was to him. None of the funiture or even the floor under him had damage. There was a greasy residue on the surfaces of the house.. it's just farking weird.. hand of God this man was my uncle..

/creepy


I heard it's hereditary. You better get that checked out.
 
2013-02-26 01:46:51 PM
Just don't fart in the fire.  You never know when there's going to be a sudden back draft.
 
2013-02-26 02:47:52 PM

2chris2: What's interesting about this is that he solved the mystery of spontaneous combustion 200 years ago.  There's nothing spontaneous about it, it's old fat drunks who passed out and set themselves on fire accidentally, and then their body fat burned like a candle.


A wiki article on the topic, in case someone's interested.
 
2013-02-26 03:29:44 PM
Alcoholism - I'm good there.  Under 60, check...

The surrounding room was coated with a thick, yellow, greasy film.

fark.  Guess I need to clean the walls.
 
2013-02-26 06:59:08 PM

poe_zlaw: 2chris2: What's interesting about this is that he solved the mystery of spontaneous combustion 200 years ago.  There's nothing spontaneous about it, it's old fat drunks who passed out and set themselves on fire accidentally, and then their body fat burned like a candle.

Yup. Nothing mysterious about it. But, yet people will still act like its a mystery.  Kinda like crop circle "experts" still claim crop circles are caused by UFO's rather than a couple of drunks with mathematics backgrounds who proved on video they could make them.



That's how they do cremations. Throw a match at the body and the fats just burn.

/How did they burn the Jews in the ovens? They set the fat Jews on fire!

//experts, everywhere
 
2013-02-26 08:13:32 PM

leonel: Big Man On Campus: 7. Combustion was extremely rapid.
8. The flames were difficult to extinguish.
9. The flames produced a strong empyreumatic odor.
10. The surrounding room was coated with a thick, yellow, greasy film.
11. The first usually consumed the trunk of the body, but left the head and extremities intact.

I'm trying to figure out how those are risk factors. Has the job of Editing just completely vanished from the earth?

If your combustion is slow, you're not at risk of spontaneous combustion.


Oh I think that depends on how soundly you sleep
 
2013-02-26 10:55:26 PM

probesport: Why isn't being a drummer on the list?


This took WAY WAY too long to appear in this thread...

Well done though, probesport
 
2013-02-27 12:23:37 AM
No worries.

I always chase myself with branch water.
 
2013-02-27 10:09:46 AM
13. You play drums in a band named Spinal Tap.
 
2013-02-27 07:41:24 PM
www.herbalgranny.com
 
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