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(Yahoo)   Dear Abby: My adult granddaughters have rejected me, feeling uncomfortable with the way I rub their shoulders and necks   (news.yahoo.com) divider line 99
    More: Obvious, Abigail Van Buren, adult granddaughters, Jeanne Phillips, Pauline Phillips, grandfather  
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28261 clicks; posted to Main » on 25 Feb 2013 at 10:53 AM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
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Archived thread
2013-02-25 11:44:19 AM  
43 votes:
My male co-worker is always coming up behind me and giving me massages.  He always says, "You're so tense, let me work on you a little bit."  He has hands like a gorilla, so strong and penetrating.  I feel like he's massaging muscles in my chest when he's rubbing my back.

He tells me I have a great physique, but I lift too much because everything is in knots.  Then he does this thing where he rubs his hands in my hair, over my ears, down my jaw line, and then slides his ring fingers into my mouth, pulling the sides apart while admonishing me for not smiling more.  It's like he's trying to stretch my lips and mouth cavity wider and wider.  Sort of freaks me out, but I do carry a lot of stress in my jaw.

Then the other day he said he wanted me to give me a flexibility test.  He takes this long, giant squash out of his bag.  The neck on the thing is like ten inches in diameter.  He told me to open my mouth as wide as I could.  I was sort of flabbergasted, like I was at a hypnotist show, so I just followed along.  He then used a long cue-tip to rub some sort of numbing agent in the back of my throat.  I was terrified, and worse, he started working the neck of the squash into my mouth, pulling at my lips, and nudging it deeper and deeper.  My brain was saying, "spit it out, struggle, throw up!"  But I couldn't get my body to respond.  Somehow or another he got the entire thing down my throat without me gagging.

Then it got weird.  He took out the squash and sat in my lap, facing me, his legs flowing over the back of my buttocks and hips.  He just stared into my eyes with his arms draped over my shoulders.  It was like I was something to dote over, like a perfect vase he'd made at Craft Camp.  He sat there for what seemed like an eternity, at least twenty minutes, and I felt what I can only describe as an anteater mulling around between us.

I feel really uncomfortable around him.  And worse, he's invited me to his cabin, which I can't even find on Google Maps.  I want to go because I don't have a lot of friends and I need to get out more, but the whole thing seems a little off.
2013-02-25 12:24:01 PM  
13 votes:
Dear Abby:

When my granddaughters were young, they used to love playing with Wrinkles The Clown.  They'd spend hours fishing around in my trousers for 'Ol Wrinkles, bring him out, give him little kisses and play dressup with a collection of small hats and vests I had made.

The last time I saw them, Thanksgiving 2009, Wrinkles came out to play, but they were "too old" to join in the fun, and threw quite a bit of a kerfuffle.  That broke Wrinkles' heart.  Now he just sits here, lifeless and droopy, like he's lost the will to live.   Abby, what should I do?


Signed,

Inmate 2202984
Slasenger County Jail
Special Offenders Unit
2013-02-25 10:05:04 AM  
11 votes:
Dear Abby: My teenage daughters have rejected me, feeling uncomfortable with the way I clean up after them when they urinate. I've been doing this since the day they were born, but suddenly they don't want anything to do with me. How do I throw away a family bond that has been cultivated for 13 years?
2013-02-25 09:23:07 AM  
11 votes:
Stay above the clavicle, grandpa.
2013-02-25 09:55:59 AM  
9 votes:
It wasn't so much the rubbing of the shoulders Gramps. However the going over the top, cupping their breasts, giving them a squeeze & saying "wow, I can't believe how big you're getting...." was a bit much.  You should be receiving the restraining order any day now...
2013-02-25 09:55:36 AM  
9 votes:
Pic of gramps:

s16.postimage.org
2013-02-25 12:52:33 PM  
7 votes:

Virtuoso80: On the even more inappropriate side, I knew a women who was married to a guy who would chase their young daughters around their place naked, saying something like "The snake is coming to get you!" referring to his penis. She divorced him.


Well??? DID the snake get them?

I hate cliffhangers.
2013-02-25 12:24:34 PM  
7 votes:

GalFriday: gets passed around for cheek kisses and farts on his belly.


We're talking raspberries right?  Because otherwise this is going to lead to very awkward family gatherings quite quickly.
2013-02-25 12:33:22 PM  
5 votes:

spentmiles: Then it got weird.  He took out the squash and sat in my lap, facing me, his legs flowing over the back of my buttocks and hips.  He just stared into my eyes with his arms draped over my shoulders.  It was like I was something to dote over, like a perfect vase he'd made at Craft Camp.  He sat there for what seemed like an eternity, at least twenty minutes, and I felt what I can only describe as an anteater mulling around between us.

I feel really uncomfortable around him.  And worse, he's invited me to his cabin, which I can't even find on Google Maps.  I want to go because I don't have a lot of friends and I need to get out more, but the whole thing seems a little off.


i373.photobucket.com
2013-02-25 11:26:25 AM  
5 votes:
Gramps,

There are plenty of 20-something women out there  with daddy issues who would be more than willing to be your jolly-dolly, in exchange for a little sugar. Lets give that a spin for a while, and maybe you won't be such a perv around the fam...m'Kay?

Abby
2013-02-25 11:01:42 AM  
5 votes:
encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com
2013-02-25 11:01:27 AM  
5 votes:
Dear Abby Dear Abby my Grandfather has nerve - He rubs up and down us like some kind of perv
2013-02-25 11:00:45 AM  
5 votes:
i87.photobucket.com
2013-02-25 02:44:23 PM  
4 votes:
Dear Abby:

My granddaughters' vaginas are becoming a little pungent for my tastes. Do I bring this up with my son at the next family gathering?
2013-02-25 01:21:54 PM  
4 votes:
"Grandpa!  It's time for your medicine."

"B-but, but that's a hammer!"

"Go into it easy, old man."

THWACK

"Damn it, it's stuck in his skull.  Why is it so easy to cave in an old man's head with a hammer, but so damn hard to get it out again?  I'm not messing with this.  Honey, go get my machete out from behind the bed.  The extra iron will help the head sink faster."

"Here's the hammer honey.  Wow, you <i>are</i> really horny."

"Oh Jesus.  His brain is still warm.  Here, hold on to the piece and pull.  Make some room in there so I can get it deeper."

"Wow, for all the brains, he sure didn't have much to say!"

"Here comes the putty, grandpa!"

"Oh Jesus!  It's coming out of his nose!  That's hilarious."

"Get the camera!"
2013-02-25 12:14:22 PM  
4 votes:
After doing some research I have found the identity of "grieving grampa"

1.bp.blogspot.com
2013-02-25 11:14:18 AM  
4 votes:

Andromeda: Amos Quito: Dear Abby:

My kids say I'm crazy for writing a dead woman for advice.

What should I do?


You realize her daughter took over the column years ago when she got Alzheimer's disease, right?



Dear Abby's daughter has Alzheimer's?
2013-02-25 11:07:21 AM  
4 votes:
Dear Abby:

My kids say I'm crazy for writing a dead woman for advice.

What should I do?
2013-02-25 11:06:33 AM  
4 votes:
Suddenly, I am reminded of Joey Tribbiani's tailor.
2013-02-25 03:52:03 PM  
3 votes:

griffer: I would let strange children pet my pussy.


Dammit! I meant would NOT!  WOULDN'T!
2013-02-25 03:39:33 PM  
3 votes:
I have such memories of my Uncle and the way he taught me-and my brothers and sisters and all my cousins- about music and life.

He would drive around and pick up all the cousins and we'd hang out in his basement.  He found a way to connect with all of us.  Regardless of age or gender, he'd find something for us to bang or blow as we wiled away our childhoods in his amazing band!

Oh how I used to shake with anticipation, I'd throw up 3 or 4 times before the Uncle Fritzl and the Candy Van Band even arrive to pick me up for that days family musical adventure!
2013-02-25 03:05:15 PM  
3 votes:
www.alicia-logic.com
2013-02-25 02:50:05 PM  
3 votes:

airsupport: Dear Abby:

My granddaughters' vaginas are becoming a little pungent for my tastes. Do I bring this up with my son at the next family gathering?


OH MY GOD
we have a winner
CLOSE the THREAD please
2013-02-25 01:35:39 PM  
3 votes:
Tumunga: Should I gather from that is spentmiles is a broad?

Spentmiles transcends sex and gender.
2013-02-25 12:23:29 PM  
3 votes:
DEAR ABBY:My two adult  granddaughters have rejected me, their learing grandfather. Their father gave me this explanation: "They are uncomfortable with the way you rub their shoulders and necks while moaning incessantly and playing with something in your pocket."

These girls and both parents have misinterpreted my attempts to broaden their horizons and push the ridiculous societal boundaries of incest and affection, which haven't changed since the girls were little. The only change is in their perception of my actions and their now unwillingness to participate.

I am devastated and quite frankly very very horny now. I asked twice to meet with these family members at the local swingers club to discuss their concerns and hopefully get things rolling again. It has been three months; no meeting time has been offered and if it wasn't for that frisky high schooler down the street there would be trouble. There has been no fun contact, and neither girl has called me or sexted me for any reason this year.

I can't just stop lusting after those with whom I have developed 20-years of bondage photos and mutual affection. How can this rupture be repaired? -- GRIEVING (and backed up) GRANDDAD
2013-02-25 12:16:10 PM  
3 votes:

Jim_Callahan: A guide for old people:

Touching arms/shoulders while talking: appropriate, unless it makes someone specifically uncomfortable and they mention it.

Any motion that can be described as "rubbing": no.  Stop.  Apparently this was fine in the 1940s and 1950s since all of you bloody well do it, but it hasn't been socially acceptable since, so quit it.


My grandma just used to pinch me when no one was looking. I finally put a stop to that shiat. She drove four hours to visit us one time, and I locked her out, just laughed at her through the window of the front door. We both froze for a second, having apparently thought of the back door at the same time. Well, as it turns out, a five-year-old can run through the house and lock the back door quicker than grandma can make it into the backyard and up onto the back porch.

That was the last time she came to visit. Now I hear she's in a nursing home with Alzheimer's, but I've never come by to find out.
2013-02-25 11:56:16 AM  
3 votes:

Virtuoso80: spentmiles: Then it got weird.

Too late. I'm not even sure if serious. What kind of workplace tolerates behavior like that? And, comming from knowing women at times who would slap you with a harassment suit if you touched their arm the wrong way, did you really just put up with that?


an account created in 2004 and doesn't get it...priceless
2013-02-25 11:49:19 AM  
3 votes:
Pedos live forever, but not so little girls
2013-02-25 11:36:02 AM  
3 votes:
I think I found his picture.

i.crackedcdn.com
2013-02-25 11:17:07 AM  
3 votes:
Dear Abby,

My lithe, nubile, sixteen-year-old niece no longer wants to take bubble baths with me, nor does she want me to play doctor with her anymore. I feel like we're growing apart. What can I do?
2013-02-25 11:00:44 AM  
3 votes:

Fano: Recoil Therapy: It wasn't so much the rubbing of the shoulders Gramps. However the going over the top, cupping their breasts, giving them a squeeze & saying "wow, I can't believe how big you're getting...." was a bit much.  You should be receiving the restraining order any day now...

*16candlesgrandmagrope.jpg


images.quickblogcast.com

I had completely forgotten about that scene when I wrote the above

I have a feeling though that Gramps is more like LDD than he'd like to admit...

3.bp.blogspot.com

/hot like the 16 year old Molly was to me at the time
//still pretty good from what I've seen
2013-02-25 10:54:35 AM  
3 votes:

Recoil Therapy: It wasn't so much the rubbing of the shoulders Gramps. However the going over the top, cupping their breasts, giving them a squeeze & saying "wow, I can't believe how big you're getting...." was a bit much.  You should be receiving the restraining order any day now...


*16candlesgrandmagrope.jpg
2013-02-25 09:40:24 AM  
3 votes:
I feel violated just from reading that guys letter.
2013-02-25 11:01:03 PM  
2 votes:

FuzzyPinkMatrix: Tumunga: FuzzyPinkMatrix: One stepdad's advice after ten years of stepparenting:

1. Kids aren't there to meet your needs; you're there to meet theirs. (Their actual needs, not the ones you wish they had, ya perv.)
2. You're never entitled to give or receive affection. It's a privilege.
3. Don't violate the above rule unless you're comfortable with the kid thinking of you as basically being a hug rapist.
4. Any kid who has stopped asking you to pick him or her up is too old to touch below the shoulder blades.
5. When the kid lets go, the hug ends. No exceptions.
6. The less you like these rules, the more you should probably follow them.

I'm guessing you have an ugly step-daughter.

I'm guessing this was the high point of your evening.


farm9.staticflickr.com
2013-02-25 03:46:18 PM  
2 votes:

FarkingReading: HatchetWound: spentmiles: .... Then it got weird.  ....


Wait ... are you saying it wasn't weird up to that point?!  If you felt everything was totally normal up to THAT point then I have a feeling your life story would make for some interesting reading!


Aaaaaaaaaaaaand another.....

I can't believe fitting a 10-inch diameter squash hasn't been a dead giveaway....


It's not our fault your girlfriend/spouse is incredibly boring
2013-02-25 02:59:58 PM  
2 votes:
Mods are asleep, post sinks!

i47.tinypic.com
2013-02-25 01:24:53 PM  
2 votes:
There are a lot of nieces getting back rubs in here.
2013-02-25 01:08:20 PM  
2 votes:

rigamrts: does anyone realize it's grandma not gramps that has the massage fetish and where does abby get off by say they need professional mediation. abby why not tell the stupid biatch to stop groping them and except the fact they don't want to be touched that way.


Do you think anyone realizes that you did not grasp what you read, but still took the bold step of trying to correct others based on your poor reading comprehension?
2013-02-25 12:59:46 PM  
2 votes:

Skirl Hutsenreiter: I saw an old dude at my church do this to our (female) priest yesterday.  When your priest squirms away and tells you she doesn't need her shoulders rubbed, you know it's awkward.


Wow - that new Pope is sure changing a lot of things.
2013-02-25 12:34:44 PM  
2 votes:
If she doesn't like it, why does she get so wet?
2013-02-25 12:31:25 PM  
2 votes:
hdhale:
/yes I keep in touch with both nieces now 17 and we're close, just not touchy close...though the younger one did insist on a neck rub the other daywww.gifbin.com
2013-02-25 12:28:24 PM  
2 votes:
encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com

 My two adultgranddaughters have rejected me, their doting grandfather. Their father gave me this explanation: "They are uncomfortable with the teddy bears you gave them for Christmas."
2013-02-25 12:26:23 PM  
2 votes:

italie: Virtuoso80: On the even more inappropriate side, I knew a women who was married to a guy who would chase their young daughters around their place naked, saying something like "The snake is coming to get you!" referring to his penis. She divorced him.

And hopefully received full custody.


Come on, you mean to tell me you never played "hide from the snake" with Daddy?

Seriously? Oh boy I'm just realizing I had a bad childhood.
2013-02-25 12:26:20 PM  
2 votes:

spentmiles: My male co-worker is always coming up behind me and giving me massages.  He always says, "You're so tense, let me work on you a little bit."  He has hands like a gorilla, so strong and penetrating.  I feel like he's massaging muscles in my chest when he's rubbing my back.

He tells me I have a great physique, but I lift too much because everything is in knots.  Then he does this thing where he rubs his hands in my hair, over my ears, down my jaw line, and then slides his ring fingers into my mouth, pulling the sides apart while admonishing me for not smiling more.  It's like he's trying to stretch my lips and mouth cavity wider and wider.  Sort of freaks me out, but I do carry a lot of stress in my jaw.

Then the other day he said he wanted me to give me a flexibility test.  He takes this long, giant squash out of his bag.  The neck on the thing is like ten inches in diameter.  He told me to open my mouth as wide as I could.  I was sort of flabbergasted, like I was at a hypnotist show, so I just followed along.  He then used a long cue-tip to rub some sort of numbing agent in the back of my throat.  I was terrified, and worse, he started working the neck of the squash into my mouth, pulling at my lips, and nudging it deeper and deeper.  My brain was saying, "spit it out, struggle, throw up!"  But I couldn't get my body to respond.  Somehow or another he got the entire thing down my throat without me gagging.

Then it got weird.  He took out the squash and sat in my lap, facing me, his legs flowing over the back of my buttocks and hips.  He just stared into my eyes with his arms draped over my shoulders.  It was like I was something to dote over, like a perfect vase he'd made at Craft Camp.  He sat there for what seemed like an eternity, at least twenty minutes, and I felt what I can only describe as an anteater mulling around between us.

I feel really uncomfortable around him.  And worse, he's invited me to his cabin, which I can't even find on Google Maps.  I want ...


If he is paying for the trip, you would be a fool not to take a free vacation.
2013-02-25 12:11:10 PM  
2 votes:

hdhale: Ok, I'm going to take the serious answer line on this one...

Had similar issue with twin nieces.  Both crawled all over top of me when they were 7 and no problem expressing affection or receiving it (get your minds out of the gutter...).  That included the neck and shoulder rubs and of course piggyback rides.  The piggyback rides stopped first...a combination of my lower back pain, their weight, and their starting to show lack of interest.  As for the neck and shoulder rubs, one (the younger one by 20 minutes) at age 11 or 12 decided that enough was enough and let me know about it.  We were good after that.  The "older" other let it go on for a while longer, mostly I think because she liked it, but also because I think she had this whole "now he's my uncle" thing going on with her "younger" sister because I tended to favor her more early on.  Of course the day finally arrived that the "older" niece wasn't so much interested anymore either, though she wasn't as direct as her sibling had been in letting me know.  I eventually took the "hint".

There's no exact age to stop, but asking permission is usually a good thing to do at some point early on and stop assuming they are ok with it (actually they may never be ok with it for various reasons...some kids are just not touchy people).  Odds are the day will arrive that they aren't ok with it anymore but "suffer" it anyway because they are afraid of hurting your feelings (if they are direct with you about it, you got lucky) or because they feel like they have to let you do it because an adult told them to obey you (about not getting into the ice cream or not abusing the Xbox controllers, not this obviously).  Avoid letting things get to that point, else you'll end up like the old guy in the story.  He should get used to the idea that he won't be seeing the kids again anytime soon.  Creepy grandpa is creepy and it will take them a long while to think of him otherwise.

/yes I keep in touch with both nieces now 17 and we'r ...


www.rockarchive.com
2013-02-25 11:23:41 AM  
2 votes:
Dear Askance: I work above a grocery store. At night, we borrow their carts (with their blessing) in order to help us take our garbage out in one trip.

ALWAYS WASH YOUR PRODUCE BEFORE YOU EAT IT.

Thanks, TMLPK
2013-02-25 11:19:16 AM  
2 votes:
encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com
2013-02-25 11:09:42 AM  
2 votes:

Amos Quito: Dear Abby:

My kids say I'm crazy for writing a dead woman for advice.

What should I do?


You realize her daughter took over the column years ago when she got Alzheimer's disease, right?  Next you're going to be shocked to hear that Jim Davis doesn't draw Garfield these days too.
2013-02-25 11:06:15 AM  
2 votes:
I can sympathize. I was thrown out of my gym for taking pictures of teenage girls with my camera-pen. I just wanted to show those girls how beautiful they were. I'd post the pictures here, but I became so enraged for being kicked out, I threw was my pen and broke it.
2013-02-25 10:58:40 AM  
2 votes:

jaylectricity: Dear Abby: My teenage daughters have rejected me, feeling uncomfortable with the way I clean up after them when they urinate. I've been doing this since the day they were born, but suddenly they don't want anything to do with me. How do I throw away a family bond that has been cultivated for 13 years?


FTFA:

These girls and both parents have misinterpreted my innocent expressions of affection, which haven't changed since the girls were little.

Yep, you nailed it.

Probably still wants to bounce them on his knee.  Liked it when they started getting slippery.
2013-02-25 09:40:31 AM  
2 votes:
Is that you George?
2013-02-25 10:53:40 PM  
1 votes:

Tumunga: FuzzyPinkMatrix: One stepdad's advice after ten years of stepparenting:

1. Kids aren't there to meet your needs; you're there to meet theirs. (Their actual needs, not the ones you wish they had, ya perv.)
2. You're never entitled to give or receive affection. It's a privilege.
3. Don't violate the above rule unless you're comfortable with the kid thinking of you as basically being a hug rapist.
4. Any kid who has stopped asking you to pick him or her up is too old to touch below the shoulder blades.
5. When the kid lets go, the hug ends. No exceptions.
6. The less you like these rules, the more you should probably follow them.

I'm guessing you have an ugly step-daughter.


I'm guessing this was the high point of your evening.
2013-02-25 08:02:04 PM  
1 votes:

Lollipop165: My mother has some sort of depression. (my guess is manic depression).

When I was about 26 or so, I was sleeping over her house in my old bedroom after a night out with friends. I wake up and she's taking pictures of me. Pictures of me sleeping. I ask her to stop doing that. She continues. I tell her again. She continues. I yell at her "WTF is wrong with you? Get out! And she didn't speak to me for 3 months and then made me apologize to her.

She also had a habit of trying to snuggle in my bed with me, hold my hand as we walk down the street, and so on. Things that are just odd to do to a 30-something year old daughter. Or maybe I just think it is weird because I don't particularly like her. Her emotions are so unpredictable and erratic I can't take it any more - my friends tell me I should just walk away from the relationship but who the fark can do that to their sick mother?


Hold you mom's hand, dick.
2013-02-25 05:34:36 PM  
1 votes:

timujin: Onkel Buck: I think the letter below creepy grandpa would have been a better discussion. Your dogs are not people, thats right THEY ARE NOT PEOPLE, you dont need to bring them everywhere with you.

Thing is, those might be service dogs.  I don't know about other states, but in California they have them for more than just blind people.  Apparently separation anxiety and agoraphobia are also valid reasons.  And there's nothing the manager can do about it anyway, if he asks and they say it's a service dog, that's the end of the conversation.  He can't even ask for documentation.


Thing is, they're not service dogs.  They're comfort animals.  Different thing. Doesn't carry the same protections.

Also, while you can't discriminate for certain specific reasons, you can refuse service to anyone without giving a reason.  "We don't want you as a customer.  No, it isn't the little rat you're carrying around.  No reason, really.  Just don't want you here.  Leave, or we'll call the cops and have you cited for trespassing."

Did it plenty of times working at a bar. Had some guy complain he wanted to "see the manager". I told him I'd give him the owner's contact info.  I wrote down the owner's name, phone number, my name, and said, "remember to tell him I called you a douchebag", and wrote at the bottom of the piece of paper DOUCHEBAG.  Handed it to him and told him to GTFO.

Ran in to the owner a couple of weeks later. "Ron, did you call a customer a douchebag?"  "Why yes, and in my desire to give thorough service, I wrote it down for him, too."
2013-02-25 05:32:24 PM  
1 votes:
When did fark turn into motherless?
2013-02-25 04:13:21 PM  
1 votes:
One stepdad's advice after ten years of stepparenting:

1. Kids aren't there to meet your needs; you're there to meet theirs. (Their actual needs, not the ones you wish they had, ya perv.)
2. You're never entitled to give or receive affection. It's a privilege.
3. Don't violate the above rule unless you're comfortable with the kid thinking of you as basically being a hug rapist.
4. Any kid who has stopped asking you to pick him or her up is too old to touch below the shoulder blades.
5. When the kid lets go, the hug ends. No exceptions.
6. The less you like these rules, the more you should probably follow them.
2013-02-25 04:04:28 PM  
1 votes:
thumbnails.hulu.com
2013-02-25 03:54:39 PM  
1 votes:

ferretman: FarkingReading: HatchetWound: spentmiles: .... Then it got weird.  ....


Wait ... are you saying it wasn't weird up to that point?!  If you felt everything was totally normal up to THAT point then I have a feeling your life story would make for some interesting reading!


Aaaaaaaaaaaaand another.....

I can't believe fitting a 10-inch diameter squash hasn't been a dead giveaway....

What? You CAN'T?



I didn't say that. Now you're putting words in my mouth. Gigantic, throbbing words.
2013-02-25 03:51:28 PM  
1 votes:
I would let strange children pet my pussy.
2013-02-25 03:47:34 PM  
1 votes:
I was just rubbing his tense shoulders!
img0.liveinternet.ru
2013-02-25 03:34:23 PM  
1 votes:
Sympathizes

i.telegraph.co.uk
2013-02-25 03:31:20 PM  
1 votes:

griffer: Oh, hai!

What's going on.....

Oh sweet jesus.

Spentmiles, you magnificent bastard.


this is one of those times im sort of proud to be accused of being spentmiles.
2013-02-25 03:29:03 PM  
1 votes:

Nuuu: When the whole family saw my mom literally trembling with anger, and my great uncle dumbstruck with a big red imprint on his cheek, they where all aghast . . . at my mom for treating her uncle so disrespectfully.


Story of my life.

My personal favorite is when dad (who was always travelling - I mean he was home maybe 1 or 2 days a week) was seriously pissed off at 11 yo me when he found out I was going to the school guidance counselor to deal with my mother's alcoholism. Cause, you know, you don't talk about family issues.

Yep, it was my fault.
2013-02-25 03:26:55 PM  
1 votes:

Moonfisher: Sorry, gramps, but once they start getting lumpy, it's time to tone down the touching.  My dad used to pinch our asses, which he thought was the height of hilarity.  I was the middle child of three girls, and he continued that crap from the time we were walking on up until we each walked out the door.  When we hit our teens and started dodging him and getting angry, he just thought it was funnier.  Jokes about our boobs were also apparently hilarious.  It was awesome being 12, feeling awkward about your budding breasts, and having a dad that made wisecracks that your were going to "give yourself a black eye with those things" whenever you ran, jumped rope, etc.

Dick


If I were in your shoes I'm be most angry that he stuck you with a boy's name.

/grin
/duck
/run
2013-02-25 03:20:47 PM  
1 votes:
spentmiles: .... Then it got weird.  ....


Wait ... are you saying it wasn't weird up to that point?!  If you felt everything was totally normal up to THAT point then I have a feeling your life story would make for some interesting reading!
2013-02-25 03:15:53 PM  
1 votes:
Oh, hai!

What's going on.....

Oh sweet jesus.

Spentmiles, you magnificent bastard.
2013-02-25 03:13:51 PM  
1 votes:

Virtuoso80: spentmiles: Then it got weird.

Too late. I'm not even sure if serious. What kind of workplace tolerates behavior like that? And, comming from knowing women at times who would slap you with a harassment suit if you touched their arm the wrong way, did you really just put up with that?


As much as I enjoy reading Spentmiles comments, I almost enjoy other people's comments more, especially the uninitiated.
2013-02-25 02:51:56 PM  
1 votes:

MNguy: the_foo: Impossible to say from reading a tiny bit of one side. There are people out there who either just don't like any sort of contact, or even read something inappropriate into innocent gestures. Or gramps could be a perv.

Who cares?  They don't like being touched, end of story.


You should see how they were dressed, though...
2013-02-25 02:40:01 PM  
1 votes:

Moonfisher: Sorry, gramps, but once they start getting lumpy, it's time to tone down the touching.  My dad used to pinch our asses, which he thought was the height of hilarity.  I was the middle child of three girls, and he continued that crap from the time we were walking on up until we each walked out the door.  When we hit our teens and started dodging him and getting angry, he just thought it was funnier.  Jokes about our boobs were also apparently hilarious.  It was awesome being 12, feeling awkward about your budding breasts, and having a dad that made wisecracks that your were going to "give yourself a black eye with those things" whenever you ran, jumped rope, etc.

Dick.



I'm guessing the Seth MacFarlane number on the Oscars last night didn't go over well with you.
2013-02-25 02:21:04 PM  
1 votes:

PsiChick: Molavian: PsiChick: Molavian: PsiChick: Molavian: I dunno, I've got a couple of nieces who I probably shouldn't be hugging that give me enthusiastic hugs.  Of course, they're in their 20's.  I'm fairly sure one thinks it's a huge game to mess around with me or something.

Eh, they might just be huggy.  I'd probably register as fairly huggy to a guy, but on the girl scale I'm fairly calm about hugging. Most girls will hug everyone.

It was the smelling my neck and looking into my eyes with her arms draped over me, then telling me that I smelled great that creeped me out a bit.

...No, she's messing with you. And that's creepy.

I figured.  She's my niece by marriage, but still.  I've known her since she was a kid.  I'll have to come up with a good way to tease her out of doing it.

Stare back and say 'you too'?


1) this thread cracks me up
2) "you too" would probably work
3) try moving your chest left-right during the hug, rubbing her nipples

no wait, you wanted to STOP THIS ???

I have found that hugs are all about people that are comfortable about their own personal space.
As I have become more comfortable, hugs have increased. People who are happy to see me and I am happy to see get hugs. And we are all the happier for it.  (without the rubbing)
2013-02-25 02:09:05 PM  
1 votes:

rigamrts: does anyone realize it's grandma not gramps that has the massage fetish and where does abby get off by say they need professional mediation. abby why not tell the stupid biatch to stop groping them and except the fact they don't want to be touched that way.


abby has always been worthless for advice. ALWAYS
miss manners and dan savage are infinitely more useful
the idea that there might be something "wrong" with the girls rejecting him is hilarious.

"if the girls and parents agree"
ROFL .... DIAF .... oh wait, you are already dead


Most of the answers in this fark thread are infinitely more useful.
1) the girls think you are a creep
2) the girls are adults and associate what you are doing with sex and think you are a creep
3) the girls are typical teens and want nothing to do with their elders

poor little grandpa ... so confused why they dont want him to give them a bath too ??
LOL
2013-02-25 01:52:15 PM  
1 votes:
Can someone funnier than me submit a different article for the front page yet?
2013-02-25 01:49:44 PM  
1 votes:

spentmiles: My male co-worker is always coming up behind me and giving me massages.  He always says, "You're so tense, let me work on you a little bit."  He has hands like a gorilla, so strong and penetrating.  I feel like he's massaging muscles in my chest when he's rubbing my back.

He tells me I have a great physique, but I lift too much because everything is in knots.  Then he does this thing where he rubs his hands in my hair, over my ears, down my jaw line, and then slides his ring fingers into my mouth, pulling the sides apart while admonishing me for not smiling more.  It's like he's trying to stretch my lips and mouth cavity wider and wider.  Sort of freaks me out, but I do carry a lot of stress in my jaw.

Then the other day he said he wanted me to give me a flexibility test.  He takes this long, giant squash out of his bag.  The neck on the thing is like ten inches in diameter.  He told me to open my mouth as wide as I could.  I was sort of flabbergasted, like I was at a hypnotist show, so I just followed along.  He then used a long cue-tip to rub some sort of numbing agent in the back of my throat.  I was terrified, and worse, he started working the neck of the squash into my mouth, pulling at my lips, and nudging it deeper and deeper.  My brain was saying, "spit it out, struggle, throw up!"  But I couldn't get my body to respond.  Somehow or another he got the entire thing down my throat without me gagging.

Then it got weird.  He took out the squash and sat in my lap, facing me, his legs flowing over the back of my buttocks and hips.  He just stared into my eyes with his arms draped over my shoulders.  It was like I was something to dote over, like a perfect vase he'd made at Craft Camp.  He sat there for what seemed like an eternity, at least twenty minutes, and I felt what I can only describe as an anteater mulling around between us.

I feel really uncomfortable around him.  And worse, he's invited me to his cabin, which I can't even find on Google Maps.  I want ...


Excellent! Good Read A+++ Would read again
2013-02-25 01:45:28 PM  
1 votes:

mainstreet62: This thread should have a seat right over there.


In West Virginia?
2013-02-25 01:42:55 PM  
1 votes:

GalFriday: Master Sphincter: InitialCommentGuy: GalFriday: gets passed around for cheek kisses and farts on his belly.

We're talking raspberries right?  Because otherwise this is going to lead to very awkward family gatherings quite quickly.

Waiting for a response. I have CPS on speed dial

And how are you going to report me?  This person that may or may not be telling a true or false story about a real or possibly pretend family member made an awkward on a website that some people don't take seriously.
Please report me now!!!


Somebody gonna get-a hurt real bad!
2013-02-25 01:39:19 PM  
1 votes:

Molavian: PsiChick: Molavian: PsiChick: Molavian: I dunno, I've got a couple of nieces who I probably shouldn't be hugging that give me enthusiastic hugs.  Of course, they're in their 20's.  I'm fairly sure one thinks it's a huge game to mess around with me or something.

Eh, they might just be huggy.  I'd probably register as fairly huggy to a guy, but on the girl scale I'm fairly calm about hugging. Most girls will hug everyone.

It was the smelling my neck and looking into my eyes with her arms draped over me, then telling me that I smelled great that creeped me out a bit.

...No, she's messing with you. And that's creepy.

I figured.  She's my niece by marriage, but still.  I've known her since she was a kid.  I'll have to come up with a good way to tease her out of doing it.


Stare back and say 'you too'?
2013-02-25 01:28:14 PM  
1 votes:
i didnt know there was such a thing as a nonsexual neckrub
2013-02-25 01:24:12 PM  
1 votes:

Andromeda: Amos Quito: Dear Abby:

My kids say I'm crazy for writing a dead woman for advice.

What should I do?

You realize her daughter took over the column years ago when she got Alzheimer's disease, right?  Next you're going to be shocked to hear that Jim Davis doesn't draw Garfield these days too.


Did Jim Davis also retire because of Alzheimer's?  Because that would explain a lot.

Come to think of it, Garfield probably isn't drawn at all.  It's probably composed of Garfield clipart and randomly generated dialog.
2013-02-25 01:20:46 PM  
1 votes:

ferretman: Recoil Therapy: It wasn't so much the rubbing of the shoulders Gramps. However the going over the top, cupping their breasts, giving them a squeeze & saying "wow, I can't believe how big you're getting...." was a bit much.  You should be receiving the restraining order any day now...

Maybe he was only helping them check for lumps?


t0.gstatic.com
2013-02-25 01:16:44 PM  
1 votes:

Recoil Therapy: It wasn't so much the rubbing of the shoulders Gramps. However the going over the top, cupping their breasts, giving them a squeeze & saying "wow, I can't believe how big you're getting...." was a bit much.  You should be receiving the restraining order any day now...


Maybe he was only helping them check for lumps?
2013-02-25 01:07:23 PM  
1 votes:

Click to enlarge: Our extended family has taken the occasional Caribbean Cruise vacation together. I've managed to apply sunscreen (shoulders/backs) and had to re-tie the occasional loose bikini strap on my twenty-something nieces, all without getting a really weird boner.

I am the adventurous Uncle and find myself on the pool/sports deck with the nieces and nephews while most of the rest are wandering the Promenade deck.

Sexualized touching is, I think, defined more by intent than the actual physical action. Coincidentally, we are a 'hugs greeting' family.

As far as Gramps goes. I'm guessing he chose to ignore the 'lay off' signals one to many times.


So, you got a boner, but just not a "really weird" one.  Got it.
2013-02-25 12:43:36 PM  
1 votes:

InitialCommentGuy: GalFriday: gets passed around for cheek kisses and farts on his belly.

We're talking raspberries right?  Because otherwise this is going to lead to very awkward family gatherings quite quickly.


Waiting for a response. I have CPS on speed dial
2013-02-25 12:42:59 PM  
1 votes:
Dear creepy, dear creepy, you have no complaint...
2013-02-25 12:37:16 PM  
1 votes:
Virtuoso80:  spentmiles: Then it got weird.
Too late. I'm not even sure if serious. What kind of workplace tolerates behavior like that? And, comming from knowing women at times who would slap you with a harassment suit if you touched their arm the wrong way, did you really just put up with that?

marketingforhippies.com
You're new here aren't you?
2013-02-25 12:33:03 PM  
1 votes:

Virtuoso80: I used to have a friend who, at around 20, would have his 16-year-old sister sit on his lap sometimes. Her and her older sister would sometimes sleep in the same bed together too. I don't think there was anything weird going on, just the way it was with their family.


www.gifbin.com
2013-02-25 12:27:54 PM  
1 votes:
What's with all the people giving backrubs to little kids? Are they really that stressed out?
2013-02-25 12:27:09 PM  
1 votes:

spentmiles: My male co-worker is always coming up behind me and giving me massages.  He always says, "You're so tense, let me work on you a little bit."  He has hands like a gorilla, so strong and penetrating.  I feel like he's massaging muscles in my chest when he's rubbing my back.

He tells me I have a great physique, but I lift too much because everything is in knots.  Then he does this thing where he rubs his hands in my hair, over my ears, down my jaw line, and then slides his ring fingers into my mouth, pulling the sides apart while admonishing me for not smiling more.  It's like he's trying to stretch my lips and mouth cavity wider and wider.  Sort of freaks me out, but I do carry a lot of stress in my jaw.

Then the other day he said he wanted me to give me a flexibility test.  He takes this long, giant squash out of his bag.  The neck on the thing is like ten inches in diameter.  He told me to open my mouth as wide as I could.  I was sort of flabbergasted, like I was at a hypnotist show, so I just followed along.  He then used a long cue-tip to rub some sort of numbing agent in the back of my throat.  I was terrified, and worse, he started working the neck of the squash into my mouth, pulling at my lips, and nudging it deeper and deeper.  My brain was saying, "spit it out, struggle, throw up!"  But I couldn't get my body to respond.  Somehow or another he got the entire thing down my throat without me gagging.

Then it got weird.  He took out the squash and sat in my lap, facing me, his legs flowing over the back of my buttocks and hips.  He just stared into my eyes with his arms draped over my shoulders.  It was like I was something to dote over, like a perfect vase he'd made at Craft Camp.  He sat there for what seemed like an eternity, at least twenty minutes, and I felt what I can only describe as an anteater mulling around between us.

I feel really uncomfortable around him.  And worse, he's invited me to his cabin, which I can't even find on Google Maps.  I want ...


Sounds totally legit.
2013-02-25 12:24:22 PM  
1 votes:
I heard Dear Abby has Alzheimer's.
2013-02-25 12:06:41 PM  
1 votes:

braedan: jaylectricity: Stay above the clavicle, grandpa.

And below the knees!



i64.photobucket.com
Would you give a guy a foot massage?
2013-02-25 11:56:44 AM  
1 votes:
On the even more inappropriate side, I knew a women who was married to a guy who would chase their young daughters around their place naked, saying something like "The snake is coming to get you!" referring to his penis. She divorced him.
2013-02-25 11:56:15 AM  
1 votes:

Virtuoso80: spentmiles: Then it got weird.

Too late. I'm not even sure if serious. What kind of workplace tolerates behavior like that? And, comming from knowing women at times who would slap you with a harassment suit if you touched their arm the wrong way, did you really just put up with that?


Stick around for a few more of his posts and it will all become clear to you.
2013-02-25 11:53:50 AM  
1 votes:
any pics of the adult granddaughters?
2013-02-25 11:52:06 AM  
1 votes:

spentmiles: Then it got weird.


Too late. I'm not even sure if serious. What kind of workplace tolerates behavior like that? And, comming from knowing women at times who would slap you with a harassment suit if you touched their arm the wrong way, did you really just put up with that?
2013-02-25 11:49:25 AM  
1 votes:
So don't do that sh*t.  Next?
2013-02-25 11:40:24 AM  
1 votes:
Ok, I'm going to take the serious answer line on this one...

Had similar issue with twin nieces.  Both crawled all over top of me when they were 7 and no problem expressing affection or receiving it (get your minds out of the gutter...).  That included the neck and shoulder rubs and of course piggyback rides.  The piggyback rides stopped first...a combination of my lower back pain, their weight, and their starting to show lack of interest.  As for the neck and shoulder rubs, one (the younger one by 20 minutes) at age 11 or 12 decided that enough was enough and let me know about it.  We were good after that.  The "older" other let it go on for a while longer, mostly I think because she liked it, but also because I think she had this whole "now he's my uncle" thing going on with her "younger" sister because I tended to favor her more early on.  Of course the day finally arrived that the "older" niece wasn't so much interested anymore either, though she wasn't as direct as her sibling had been in letting me know.  I eventually took the "hint".

There's no exact age to stop, but asking permission is usually a good thing to do at some point early on and stop assuming they are ok with it (actually they may never be ok with it for various reasons...some kids are just not touchy people).  Odds are the day will arrive that they aren't ok with it anymore but "suffer" it anyway because they are afraid of hurting your feelings (if they are direct with you about it, you got lucky) or because they feel like they have to let you do it because an adult told them to obey you (about not getting into the ice cream or not abusing the Xbox controllers, not this obviously).  Avoid letting things get to that point, else you'll end up like the old guy in the story.  He should get used to the idea that he won't be seeing the kids again anytime soon.  Creepy grandpa is creepy and it will take them a long while to think of him otherwise.

/yes I keep in touch with both nieces now 17 and we're close, just not touchy close...though the younger one did insist on a neck rub the other day
2013-02-25 11:26:27 AM  
1 votes:
*Bounce *Bounce* *Bounce*..."Uh oh. Ok, honey. You have to get off of Grandpa's lap for a little while. We have to take a short break."
2013-02-25 11:22:33 AM  
1 votes:
Why can't some grandfathers just go fishing, watching the price its right and giving their grandchildren booze

/I had one of the best grandfathers ever
2013-02-25 11:20:25 AM  
1 votes:
I saw an old dude at my church do this to our (female) priest yesterday.  When your priest squirms away and tells you she doesn't need her shoulders rubbed, you know it's awkward.
2013-02-25 11:08:22 AM  
1 votes:
Creepy and old? Time to Renew!
 
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