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(The Hollywood Reporter)   With two historically revisionist novels about the killings of John F. Kennedy and Abraham Lincoln under his belt, Bill O'Reilly is now writing a book entitled "Killing Jesus"   ( divider line
    More: Stupid, Bill O'Reilly, John F. Kennedy, Abraham Lincoln, William Morris Endeavor, Jesus of Nazareth  
•       •       •

3867 clicks; posted to Main » on 21 Feb 2013 at 11:13 AM (4 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2013-02-21 09:43:09 AM  
11 votes:
So I'm betting that in his version, the Jews didn't do it? The 30 pieces of silver was just a metaphor, and in fact it was proto-Muslims who reached back into the past, thanks to Obama's Time Machine, disguised themselves, and tried to end the reign of the King of Kings, only to fail to realize that their assassination attempt would be foiled by Christ's resurrection, and making Jesus more powerful than they could ever imagine?

I'm just guessing.
2013-02-21 01:31:32 PM  
4 votes:
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 Pilate said to them, "What then shall I do with Jesus who is called Christ?" They all said to him, "Let Him be crucified!"   Then the governor said, "FARK IT!!   WE'LL DO IT LIVE!!!!!"
vpb [TotalFark]
2013-02-21 10:57:24 AM  
4 votes:
But he doesn't STAY dead.

scienceblogs.comView Full Size
2013-02-21 10:08:21 AM  
4 votes:
i70.photobucket.comView Full Size
2013-02-21 01:29:25 PM  
3 votes:
i.qkme.meView Full Size
2013-02-21 11:11:47 AM  
3 votes:
Hasn't this already been done? In musical, comedy and S&M form?

userserve-ak.last.fmView Full Size

thefilmpilgrim.comView Full Size

bible.orgView Full Size
2013-02-21 10:41:23 AM  
3 votes:
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The 'H' is silent.
2013-02-21 12:35:22 PM  
2 votes:
Jesus is dying on the cross, and Peter is down the hill comforting Mary Magdalene when he hears Jesus' faint voice, "Peter. . . Peter. . ."

"I must go and help my Savior," he said and went up the hill, only to be beaten and kicked back down by the Roman centurions guarding the cross. But soon he hears, "Peter. . . Peter," in even fainter tones but he cannot ignore the call. Peter limps up the hill, leans a ladder against the cross, and gets halfway up when the centurions knock over the ladder, beats him brutally, and tosses him back down the hill.

Again he hears, "Peter. . . Peter. . ." ever fainter, and again, he cannot refuse his Lord. In pain, he slowly staggers up the hill, drags himself up the ladder, and finally gets even with Christ's face. Just as the centurions are reaching for the ladder, Jesus says, "Peter. . . Peter. . . look, I can see your house from here."
2013-02-21 12:23:47 PM  
2 votes:
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"In this moment, I am euphoric. Not because of any phony god's blessing. But because, I am enlightened by my intelligence."   - Neal Degrass Tyson

/religion is for chumps
2013-02-21 11:43:46 AM  
2 votes:

Sinbox: Let's start this:

Not the thread you were intending, I imagine, and frankly, it's just what this thread needed.
2013-02-21 11:38:46 AM  
2 votes:

Maus III: Is God to blame?


Here's why: "LET ME EXPLAIN THE problem science has with Jesus Christ.
The atheist professor of philosophy pauses before his class and then asks one of his new students to stand.

"You're a Christian, aren't you, son?"
"Yes, sir."
"So you believe in God?"
"Is God good?"
"Sure! God's good."
"Is God all-powerful? Can God do anything?"...

I hope that's a cut and paste job, Tolstoy, because no one should put that much work into a comment in a FARK thread.
2013-02-21 11:32:55 AM  
2 votes:
And Maus III gets turned bright blue for apparently having a lack of oxygen to the brain.
2013-02-21 11:23:37 AM  
2 votes:
Maus III: case study of every logical fallacy

Ugh, the oppressed christian is so eager to use the laws of thermodynamics when it's  convenient...
2013-02-21 11:21:56 AM  
2 votes:

Maus III: Is God to blame...

I'm sure I've seen that before, but usually it's in an e-mail from my mother with FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW: GOD LOVES YOU!!!!! surrounding it.
2013-02-21 11:16:19 AM  
2 votes:
If you give them enough rope, eventually all derpsters auto-erotically asphyxiate themselves.
2013-02-21 09:46:45 AM  
2 votes:
Can you really call it revisionist if it never happened in the first place?
2013-02-22 12:00:11 AM  
1 vote:
It's about time someone wrote about this Jesus guy.
2013-02-21 06:15:54 PM  
1 vote:
Corrections to the work  "Killing Jesus", by Bill O'Reilly, insert addendum 2014, July 8:

Saint Peter's nickname was not "Stinky Pete".

The 30 coins of silver that Judas received were not date-stamped 33 B.C.

Jesus' guiding philosophy of life was not "hey, shiat happens".

It is not historically proven that Mary Magdeline cultivated and smoked a sticky so icky you could get wicked high by drinking the water from her foot washing tub.

Jesus did not grab a rock and totally bean that adulteress ho' and then yell "Booyah!" after his "cast the first stone" speech.

Casting lots is a form of gambling or divination, not a sexual proclivity practiced by Roman auxiliaries.

A fisher of men is not a person who trolls public parks and rest areas for gay sex.

John the Baptist was likely not affiliated with the Southern Baptist Convention and was definitely not it's president in 1948.

Jesus did not really meet The Vampire Lestat while on the cross.  That character is a fictional creation of author Anne Rice.  He also never had tea with Dr. Who or discussed the philosophical implications of what it means to be human with a time traveling Star Trek TNG's Data (although a discussion in a holodeck with a simulation Jesus may have occurred, Data was really into that kind of shiat).
2013-02-21 04:58:11 PM  
1 vote:

Darth_Lukecash: It's actually debatable: there are no contemporary records of Jesus during his time.

I would expect very few written records of a rabbi of a minor culture who practiced in an oral tradition, located in a backward of the Roman Empire, who only came to that organization's attention a few weeks prior to his execution. And the Romans executed a lot of people.

Simply, to anyone who wrote for a living, Jesus wasn't a significant figure until his post-death cult gathered some steam and started making noise in Rome. It was only at that point that some historians started digging into who this guy was.

Let me put it this way -- what percentage of the organizational files do you think survived from Rome's bureaucracy circa year zero? It's hard enough for me to track down US government documents from 50 years ago, and they keep everything.
2013-02-21 03:40:57 PM  
1 vote:
"Off With Those Pants": Bill O'Reilly Seduces You in Clips From His Dirty Audiobook t h_those.php

Here's choice samples of O'Reilly's prose, read by he who trespasses against the English language himself.

This first one comes from an exchange between "Robo," a crack dealer, and his underage girlfriends.

"Say baby, put down that pipe and get my pipe up."

"I would like you to unhook your bra and let it slide down your arms. You can keep your shirt on."

"Cup your hands under your breasts and hold them for ten seconds."

"Off with those pants."

2013-02-21 02:15:25 PM  
1 vote:

Old Gnarled Oak: I never believed in evil until someone on fark posted a fecking wall of text of philosophic mush in gotdamn over-sized font.

I bet Hitler used over-sized font.

Oversized Comic Sans
2013-02-21 02:06:36 PM  
1 vote:
Okay, I want you people to pay attention now.
Who killed Jesus? The Romans and The Jews.
Now where was he killed? The Middle east which is near the Far East, which is China. So he was basically killed by some Italians, some Chinese people and some Jewish people.

Now look at Barrack Obama, he was allegedly born in the USA, the biggest city of which is New York City, which has a large population of Jewish people, Chinese people and Italians. Now, that means that Barrack Obama, who was born pretty much in New York allegedly, was probably the descendant of one of the guys that killed Jesus or he's Irish.
So either way we need to have a violent uprising to kick out this Jesus killing so called President RIGHT NOW!
2013-02-21 01:35:33 PM  
1 vote:

Thunderpipes: Kate Upton is fat, period. If she didn't have a nice face, would be average shapeless sally with saggy teets.

2013-02-21 01:22:01 PM  
1 vote:
Kate Upton is fat, period. If she didn't have a nice face, would be average shapeless sally with saggy teets.
2013-02-21 01:05:44 PM  
1 vote:

red5ish: The cool part is there are three different editions that come with alternate endings. Collect all three!

upload.wikimedia.orgView Full Size

I butle.
2013-02-21 12:59:54 PM  
1 vote:
fark Bill O'Reilly.
2013-02-21 12:50:34 PM  
1 vote:
Sinbox > Maus

Kate Upton > Jesus
2013-02-21 12:46:44 PM  
1 vote:
fark it! We'll do it live!
2013-02-21 12:43:52 PM  
1 vote:

Uncle Tractor: Sinbox: Let's start this:

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Straddling the NSFW line

Probably NSFworkplace viewing.

Same as above

As above...

...So below


SFW just TLFF (Too Large For Fark)

same as above


Not unlike above.

Similar to above.

I've never witnessed frauds to move like that. (sfw; too large).

Also relieved that Mr. "you harbor overt paedophilic tendencies if you find K.U. in the least attractive" hasn't shown up yet (even though I know he will soon enough.".

Someone's posting in the wrong thread.

[ image 420x310]

What are you talking about?  To me he just proved that there is, in fact, a God.
2013-02-21 12:34:07 PM  
1 vote:
I never believed in evil until someone on fark posted a fecking wall of text of philosophic mush in gotdamn over-sized font.

I bet Hitler used over-sized font.
2013-02-21 12:08:29 PM  
1 vote:

Sinbox: Let's start this:

i1197.photobucket.comView Full Size

So you working on 'The Killing of Kittens' book?
2013-02-21 12:00:47 PM  
1 vote:

Sinbox: er, um, huh, hmmm.




in a year...who'll care?


No apologies necessary. Have you noticed what's going on in this thread? Another pissing match between the Church of Nuh-Uh and the Church of Yuh-huh.

You do the Lord's work, my son.*

* It's a figure of speech, no need to beat me to death with your autographed special-edition copy of St. Hitchens.
2013-02-21 11:44:21 AM  
1 vote:
er, um, huh, hmmm.




in a year...who'll care?

2013-02-21 11:37:23 AM  
1 vote:

grandma's famous pot pie recipe: Maus III: Is God to blame?


Athiests owned.  If only their small brains could see the reality of Him in this world.  Truth is, they do.  They'll just never admit it.

Now wait just a cotton-pickin' minute.
diabetesmine.comView Full Size

Ok.  I'm ready.
2013-02-21 11:33:05 AM  
1 vote:

It was the Jews.
2013-02-21 11:28:19 AM  
1 vote:

Maus III: Here's why: "LET ME EXPLAIN

Oh, Catholic school Jesuitism, you so crazy...
2013-02-21 11:27:48 AM  
1 vote:

Maus III: Is God to blame?


Athiests owned.  If only their small brains could see the reality of Him in this world.  Truth is, they do.  They'll just never admit it.
2013-02-21 11:24:55 AM  
1 vote:

FlashHarry: [ image 533x800]

upload.wikimedia.orgView Full Size
2013-02-21 11:17:43 AM  
1 vote:
Is God to blame?


Here's why: "LET ME EXPLAIN THE problem science has with Jesus Christ.

The atheist professor of philosophy pauses before his class and then asks one of his new students to stand.

"You're a Christian, aren't you, son?"
"Yes, sir."
"So you believe in God?"
"Is God good?"
"Sure! God's good."
"Is God all-powerful? Can God do anything?"
"Are you good or evil?"
"The Bible says I'm evil."
The professor grins knowingly. "Ahh! THE BIBLE!"
He considers for a moment. "Here's one for you.
Let's say there's a sick person over here, and you can cure him. You can do it. Would you help them? Would you try?"
"Yes sir, I would."
"So you're good...!"
"I wouldn't say that."
"Why not say that? You would help a sick and maimed person if you fact most of us would if we could... God doesn't."
No answer.
"He doesn't, does he? My brother was a Christian who died of cancer even though he prayed to Jesus to heal him. How is this Jesus good? Hmmm? Can you answer that one?"
No answer.
The elderly man is sympathetic. "No, you can't, can you?" He takes a sip of water from a glass on his desk to give the student time to relax. In philosophy, you have to go easy with the new ones.
"Let's start again, young fella. Is God good?"
"Er... Yes."
"Is Satan good?"
"Where does Satan come from?"
The student falters. "From...God..."
"That's right. God made Satan, didn't he?" The elderly man runs his bony fingers through his thinning hair and turns, smirking, to the student audience. "I think we're going to have a lot of fun this semester, ladies and gentlemen." He turns back to the Christian. "Tell me, son. Is there evil in this world?"
"Yes, sir."
"Evil's everywhere, isn't it? Did God make everything?"
"Who created evil?"
No answer.
"Is there sickness in this world? Immorality?
Hatred? Ugliness? All the terrible things - do they exist in this world?"
The student squirms on his feet. "Yes."
"Who created them?"
No answer.
The professor suddenly shouts at his student. "WHO
CREATED THEM? TELL ME, PLEASE!" The professor closes in for the kill and climb into the Christian's face. In a still small voice: "God created all evil, didn't He, son?"
No answer. The student tries to hold the steady, experienced gaze and fails. Suddenly the lecturer breaks away to pace the front of the classroom like an aging panther. The class is mesmerized. "Tell me," he continues, "How is it that this God is good if He created all evil throughout all time?" The professor swishes his arms around to enc
ompass the wickedness of the world.
"All the hatred, the brutality, all the pain, all the torture, all the death and ugliness and all the suffering created by this good God is all over the world, isn't it, young man?"
No answer.
"Don't you see it all over the place? Huh?" Pause.
"Don't you?" The professor leans into the student's face again and whispers, "Is God good?"
No answer.
"Do you believe in Jesus Christ, son?"
The student's voice betrays him and cracks. "Yes, professor. I do."
The old man shakes his head sadly. "Science says you have five senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Have you ever seen your Jesus?"
"No, sir. I've never seen Him."
"Then tell us if you've ever heard your Jesus?"
"No, sir. I have not."
"Have you ever felt your Jesus, tasted your Jesus or smelt your Jesus... In fact, do you have any sensory perception of your God whatsoever?"
No answer.
"Answer me, please."
"No, sir, I'm afraid I haven't."
"You're AFRAID... you haven't?"
"No, sir."
"Yet you still believe in him?"
"That takes FAITH!"
The professor smiles sagely at the underling. "According to the rules of empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your God doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son? Where is your God now?"
The student doesn't answer.
"Sit down, please."
The Christian sits...Defeated.
Another Christian raises his hand. "Professor, may I address the class?"
The professor turns and smiles. "Ah, another Christian in the vanguard! Come, come, young man. Speak some proper wisdom to the gathering."
The Christian looks around the room. "Some interesting points you are making, sir. Now I've got a question for you. Is there such thing as heat?"
"Yes," the professor replies. "There's heat."
"Is there such a thing as cold?"
"Yes, son, there's cold too."
"No, sir, there isn't."
The professor's grin freezes. The room suddenly goes very cold.
The second Christian continues. "You can have lots of heat, even more heat, super-heat, mega-heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat, but we don't have anything called 'cold'. We can hit 458 degrees below zero, which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold, otherwise we would be able to go colder than 458 -You see, sir, cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat we can measure in thermal units because heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it." Silence. A pin drops somewhere in the classroom. "Is there such a thing as darkness, professor?"
"That's a dumb question, son. What is night if it isn't darkness? What are you getting at...?"
"So you say there is such a thing as darkness?"
"You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is not something, it is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light, but if you have no light constantly, you have nothing, and it's called darkness, isn't it? That's the meaning we use to define the word. In reality, Darkness isn't. If it were, you would be able to make darkness darker and give me a jar of it. Can you...give me a jar of darker darkness, professor?"
Despite himself, the professor smiles at the young effrontery before him. This will indeed be a good semester. "Would you mind telling us what your point is, young man?"
"Yes, professor. My point is, your philosophical premise is flawed to start with and so your conclusion must be in error...."
The professor goes toxic. "Flawed...? How dare you...!"
"Sir, may I explain what I mean?" The class is all ears.
"Explain... oh, explain..." The professor makes an admirable effort to regain control. Suddenly he is affability itself. He waves his hand to silence the class, for the student to continue.
"You are working on the premise of duality," the Christian explains "That for example there is life and then here's death; a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science cannot even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism but has never seen, much less fully understood them. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life, merely the absence of it." The young man holds up a newspaper he takes from the desk of a neighbor who has been reading it. "Here is one of the most disgusting tabloids this country hosts, professor. Is there such a thing as immorality?"
"Of course there is, now look..."
"Wrong again, sir. You see, immorality is merely the absence of morality. Is there such thing as injustice? No. Injustice is the absence of justice. Is there such a thing as evil?" The Christian pauses. "Isn't evil the absence of good?"
The professor's face has turned an alarming color. He is so angry he is temporarily speechless.
The Christian continues. "If there is evil in the world, professor, and we all agree there is, then God, if he exists, must be accomplishing a work through the agency of evil. What is that work, God is accoplishing? The Bible tells us it is to see if each one of us will, of our own free will, choose good over evil."
The professor bridles. "As a philosophical scientist, I don't view this matter as having anything to do with any choice; as a realist, I absolutely do not recognize the concept of God or any other theological factor as being part of the world equation because God is not observable."
"I would have thought that the absence of God's moral code in this world is probably one of the most observable phenomena going," the Christian replies.
"Newspapers make billions of dollars reporting it every week! Tell me, professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?"
"If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, young man, yes, of course I do."
"Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?"
The professor makes a sucking sound with his teeth and gives his student a silent, stony stare.
"Professor. Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you now not a scientist, but a priest?"
"I'll overlook your impudence in the light of our philosophical discussion. Now, have you quite finished?" the professor hisses.
"So you don't accept God's moral code to do what is righteous?"
"I believe in what is - that's science!"
"Ahh! SCIENCE!" the student's face spits into a grin. "Sir, you rightly state that science is the study of observed phenomena. Science too is a premise which is flawed..."
"SCIENCE IS FLAWED..?" the professor splutters.
The class is in uproar. The Christian remains standing until the commotion has subsided. "To continue the point you were making earlier to the other student, may I give you an example of what I mean?"
The professor wisely keeps silent.
The Christian looks around the room. "Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the professor's brain?"
The class breaks out in laughter.
The Christian points towards his elderly, crumbling tutor. "Is there anyone here who has ever heard the professor's brain... felt the professor's brain, touched or smelt the professor's brain?"
No one appears to have done so.
The Christian shakes his head sadly. "It appears no-one here has had any sensory perception of the professor's brain whatsoeer. Well, according to the rules of empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says the professor has no brain."
The class is in chaos.
The Christian sits... Because that is what a chair is for.
2013-02-21 11:15:52 AM  
1 vote:
Obama did it.

Am I doing it right?
2013-02-21 10:11:35 AM  
1 vote:
Dear Bill,

Every time you open your mouth another part of me dies.

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