FARK.com: (7601526) Anti-Aquaman rant to end all anti-Aquaman rants: "They [mortals] don't wish to be able to swim at 100 miles per hour, because that's not fighting crime, that's exercising, really really hard"

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		Anti-Aquaman rant to end all anti-Aquaman rants: "They [mortals] don't wish to be able to swim at 100 miles per hour, because that's not fighting crime, that's exercising, really really hard" (kotaku.com)		81
		More: Amusing, Aquaman, fighting crime, Sub-Mariner, bigotry

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4110 clicks; posted to Geek » on 19 Feb 2013 at 8:42 PM | Favorite | share:

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FirstNationalBastard		2013-02-19 08:29:27 PM

I just bought Peter David's Aquaman run.

Even though Aquaman is traditionally a shiatty character, I was willing to blow the cash on the book, because you really can't go wrong with a Peter David book.

/Will Pfeiffer's Sub Diego run from the mid-2000s was pretty good, too.

//and Aquaman's 60s stories, reprinted in the one Aquaman Archives volume, were wonderfully stupid. There was one 6 page story about the time Aquaman built an underwater hospital for sea creatures. There were enough ideas in those 6 pages to give Brian Michael Bendis 18 issues and a major crossover event, with a page of nine panels of a static shot of a fish going "glub... er... uh... glub."

Solon Isonomia		2013-02-19 08:44:27 PM

Sorry, I think this article makes for a good counter argument.

TalenLee		2013-02-19 08:58:03 PM

I don't like Aquaman, don't like tradition for tradition's sake, don't like comic book continanity and I don't like DC much and yet this article is so poorly composed that I found myself rooting for Aquaman. Sterling quality as ever always, Kotaku.

Somacandra		2013-02-19 08:58:47 PM

But Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You're from two different worlds!

J. Frank Parnell		2013-02-19 08:59:10 PM

Best thing about the article.

Lord Binky		2013-02-19 09:01:57 PM

Great. Just what comic book fandom needed: more biatching about Aquaman. Because just ignoring him isn't good enough.

/neutral on Aquaman.

JolobinSmokin		2013-02-19 09:02:54 PM

Tell that to steve Irwin.

Bloody William		2013-02-19 09:06:29 PM

Namor the Sub-Mariner is better. He's like Aquaman, but powered by douchebaggery and rape.

FuryOfFirestorm		2013-02-19 09:11:28 PM

Hating on Aquaman based solely on his sh*tness on Super Friends makes as much sense as hating on Batman for Adam West's corny TV Batman or Joel Schumacher's lousy Batman films.

The character has made huge improvements since the early 90's and the Aquaman on Batman: The Brave and The Bold was 12 levels of awesome. Same with the Aquaman in Justice League and JL Unlimited.

the opposite of charity is justice		2013-02-19 09:12:21 PM

I find it interesting that Namor is perceived as being somewhat of a decent character while Aquaman is considered a Z-lister. Whats the diff? Is it nothing more than Namor has one additional ability, flight (while lacking the telepathic control shtick)?

Does Aquaman simply need to be better portrayed that he is as strong and as tough as he is when a small number of writers remember it?

Bloody William		2013-02-19 09:13:49 PM

Bloody William		2013-02-19 09:14:24 PM

And yes, I know she's been Sue Richards for like 50 years. Shut up. Storm's a way better name.

Hobodeluxe		2013-02-19 09:26:53 PM

Aquaman is a badass. yeah go ahead and laugh. but when he takes out your navy, your fishing boats ,your freight vessels and your oil rigs you won't be laughing.

comicdomwrecks.files.wordpress.com

Hobodeluxe		2013-02-19 09:28:46 PM

Bloody William: the opposite of charity is justice: I find it interesting that Namor is perceived as being somewhat of a decent character while Aquaman is considered a Z-lister. Whats the diff? Is it nothing more than Namor has one additional ability, flight (while lacking the telepathic control shtick)?

Does Aquaman simply need to be better portrayed that he is as strong and as tough as he is when a small number of writers remember it?

It helps that Namor is a total asshole who clearly bangs Susan Storm every time Reed Richards isn't looking. Because let's face it, Reed Richards is useless. Namor's the amazing Bro-Mariner.

Reed has a penis that can be as big as it needs to be. Why would Sue want someone who smells like tuna?

LordJiro		2013-02-19 09:28:48 PM

the opposite of charity is justice: I find it interesting that Namor is perceived as being somewhat of a decent character while Aquaman is considered a Z-lister. Whats the diff? Is it nothing more than Namor has one additional ability, flight (while lacking the telepathic control shtick)?

Does Aquaman simply need to be better portrayed that he is as strong and as tough as he is when a small number of writers remember it?

Hell, the guy is king of a super-advanced society that covers ~75% of the planet, can telepathically control any-and-everything living in the oceans (including the local Cthulhu knockoff), is super fast, durable and strong (semi-comparable to Superman, as I recall), and depending on the incarnation, has a badass trident hand.

But nope! Because of that idiotic Superfriends cartoon, Aquaman is "the guy who talks to fish" in the public consciousness. God, that era of cartoons sucked.

Bloody William		2013-02-19 09:33:25 PM

Hobodeluxe: Bloody William: the opposite of charity is justice: I find it interesting that Namor is perceived as being somewhat of a decent character while Aquaman is considered a Z-lister. Whats the diff? Is it nothing more than Namor has one additional ability, flight (while lacking the telepathic control shtick)?

Does Aquaman simply need to be better portrayed that he is as strong and as tough as he is when a small number of writers remember it?

It helps that Namor is a total asshole who clearly bangs Susan Storm every time Reed Richards isn't looking. Because let's face it, Reed Richards is useless. Namor's the amazing Bro-Mariner.

Reed has a penis that can be as big as it needs to be. Why would Sue want someone who smells like tuna?

Reed also has the sex drive of Stephen Hawking. Not exactly the most attentive husband.

cretinbob		2013-02-19 09:35:16 PM

Aw you're in for it now buddy, I got like five fish coming to help!

Snapper Carr		2013-02-19 09:37:01 PM

JLU succeeded in making Aquaman a badass.

Just like Young Justice actually makes freakin' Sportsmaster seem like a guy you would not want to fark with.

lantawa		2013-02-19 09:37:27 PM

Well, like, that's just his opinion, man.

Hobodeluxe		2013-02-19 09:39:40 PM

RaisingKane		2013-02-19 10:04:24 PM

The Bunyip		2013-02-19 10:11:24 PM

Seanbaby did it first

http://www.seanbaby.com/superfriends/aquaman.htm

Gergesa		2013-02-19 10:15:15 PM

Hobodeluxe: Reed has a penis that can be as big as it needs to be. Why would Sue want someone who smells like tuna?

Because Reed is in his lab all day and has nearly killed the FF with his inventions several times. If I were Sue I would divorce Reed and take up with Submariner. Reed is probably masturbating with a computer as I type this.

Hebalo		2013-02-19 10:17:55 PM

Geoff Johns' ego has grown to epic proportions. He's decided that since Rebirth went so well, he can make any DC character awesome again. Except he's choosing characters like Aquaman, Hawkman, crap like that. No one cares about those characters, for good reason. You can hip Aquaman up as much as you like, he still sucks ass.

veedeevadeevoodee		2013-02-19 10:29:55 PM

likefunbutnot		2013-02-19 10:34:41 PM

Bloody William: Reed also has the sex drive of Stephen Hawking.

Point of order: Stephen Hawking is a well-known perv.
Also in my observation there's an enormous positive correlation between intelligence and general kinkiness.

Anenu		2013-02-19 10:40:42 PM

Most of the aquaman stuff I see, and this isn't from comic books, has him as a badass, he is super strong and resilient because he lives so deep underwater that mere mortals would be crushed by the pressure, he speaks to and fights against sharks and in JLU he cuts off his own hand to save his son and shows up just in time to defeat the bad guy.

BafflerMeal		2013-02-19 10:42:47 PM

likefunbutnot: Bloody William: Reed also has the sex drive of Stephen Hawking.

Point of order: Stephen Hawking is a well-known perv.
Also in my observation there's an enormous positive correlation between intelligence and general kinkiness.

He does mention the French and how their 'black holes' might not exactly be the same kind of black holes he's talking about...

HeartBurnKid		2013-02-19 10:44:21 PM

the opposite of charity is justice: I find it interesting that Namor is perceived as being somewhat of a decent character while Aquaman is considered a Z-lister. Whats the diff? Is it nothing more than Namor has one additional ability, flight (while lacking the telepathic control shtick)?

Does Aquaman simply need to be better portrayed that he is as strong and as tough as he is when a small number of writers remember it?

One, the "talking to fish" bit is kind of lame.

Two, Aquaman's strength and toughness is a recent invention. Namor's been a badass since he was created.

Three, Namor's a major-league asshole, but still a relatively good guy, which makes him a much more interesting character.

Iczer		2013-02-19 10:51:52 PM

Hobodeluxe: Aquaman is a badass. yeah go ahead and laugh. but when he takes out your navy, your fishing boats ,your freight vessels and your oil rigs you won't be laughing.

[comicdomwrecks.files.wordpress.com image 512x618]

All well and good on a country with coastline, but let's see him try to do damage to Germany.

darkjezter		2013-02-19 11:02:19 PM

Hey, the Aquaman movie starring Vincent Chase was pretty badass.

FuryOfFirestorm		2013-02-19 11:19:24 PM

Aquaman has banged her:

images2.wikia.nocookie.net

and her:

Namor had intercourse with this:

encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com

Winner: Aquaman

HeartBurnKid		2013-02-19 11:31:04 PM

FuryOfFirestorm: Aquaman has banged her:

[images2.wikia.nocookie.net image 385x537]

and her:

[images2.wikia.nocookie.net image 184x185]

Namor had intercourse with this:

[encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com image 182x277]

Winner: Aquaman

In fairness, Namor also hit this:

www.littlestuffedbull.com

falcon176		2013-02-19 11:32:55 PM

Aside from Batman, DC sucks really really bad

InmanRoshi		2013-02-20 12:19:43 AM

So internet nerd blogdom just basically recycles the same 12 articles over and over again, right?

TheMysticS		2013-02-20 12:30:07 AM

FuryOfFirestorm: Hating on Aquaman based solely on his sh*tness on Super Friends makes as much sense as hating on Batman for Adam West's corny TV Batman or Joel Schumacher's lousy Batman films.

The character has made huge improvements since the early 90's and the Aquaman on Batman: The Brave and The Bold was 12 levels of awesome. Same with the Aquaman in Justice League and JL Unlimited.

But it did help birth Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy. So there's that.

/Aquaman fan. I liked animals. And nearly died twice from Asthma attacks. So I guess breathing underwater seemed like an extra super superpower in my book.

J. Frank Parnell		2013-02-20 12:31:01 AM

InmanRoshi: So internet nerd blogdom just basically recycles the same 12 articles over and over again, right?

In between whoring themselves out for movies, yes.

J. Frank Parnell		2013-02-20 12:31:38 AM

Or in this case, games.

Ishkur		2013-02-20 12:49:30 AM

InmanRoshi: So internet nerd blogdom just basically recycles the same 12 articles over and over again, right?

Yes. Every 7 years.

/I was hating on Aquaman before Seanbaby

FreetardoRivera		2013-02-20 12:51:28 AM

The Bunyip: Seanbaby did it first

http://www.seanbaby.com/superfriends/aquaman.htm

yep

aquaman bashing is so passe

but then again, they have tried to make the character more badass in the modern era due to power inflation (which DC is notorious for and I hate, if your character blows deal with it) so i think he is ready for another round

FreetardoRivera		2013-02-20 12:54:21 AM

Also, Namor was always a badass and was always crazy strong.

That is the key difference.

The Man Who Laughs		2013-02-20 01:11:47 AM

I kinda liked the mid-90s Aquaman. Not enough to buy his books, but I didn't biatch when he showed up in JLA.

But I also thought Kyle Rayner was cool, so I'm in the minority I think.

randomjsa		2013-02-20 01:16:06 AM

FreetardoRivera: Also, Namor was always a badass and was always crazy strong.

That is the key difference.

Virtually all DC characters used to be significantly less powerful than they are right now but comic books are kind of bad about "how powerful is this character?" being wildly inconsistent from book to book anyway.

saintstryfe		2013-02-20 01:19:28 AM

The Man Who Laughs: I kinda liked the mid-90s Aquaman. Not enough to buy his books, but I didn't biatch when he showed up in JLA.

But I also thought Kyle Rayner was cool, so I'm in the minority I think.

Kyle was cool when he did Green Lantern shat. otherwise, sucked compared to Hal.

Hal is boring, but at least he wasn't actively annoying when not ring-slinging.

Kurmudgeon		2013-02-20 01:38:43 AM

So with the posting of that article that means no more anti-Aquaman rants.
/is ok with this.

Bonanza Jellybean		2013-02-20 02:29:09 AM

I still own a ~2001 seanbaby.com Aquaman Sucks tshirt

CSM101		2013-02-20 02:35:31 AM

The Man Who Laughs: I kinda liked the mid-90s Aquaman. Not enough to buy his books, but I didn't biatch when he showed up in JLA.

But I also thought Kyle Rayner was cool, so I'm in the minority I think.

Kyle may have been cool, but his girlfriend was cooler.

/yes, I went there

Trocadero		2013-02-20 03:13:33 AM

CSM101: The Man Who Laughs: I kinda liked the mid-90s Aquaman. Not enough to buy his books, but I didn't biatch when he showed up in JLA.

But I also thought Kyle Rayner was cool, so I'm in the minority I think.

Kyle may have been cool, but his girlfriend was cooler.

/yes, I went there

Trocadero		2013-02-20 03:14:31 AM

95BV5		2013-02-20 05:22:25 AM

Iczer: Hobodeluxe: Aquaman is a badass. yeah go ahead and laugh. but when he takes out your navy, your fishing boats ,your freight vessels and your oil rigs you won't be laughing.

[comicdomwrecks.files.wordpress.com image 512x618]

All well and good on a country with coastline, but let's see him try to do damage to Germany.

You're kidding, right?

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