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(Canoe)   Enough is enough, I have had it with these motherfarking farts on this motherfarking plane   (cnews.canoe.ca) divider line 77
    More: Unlikely, sinus ostium, farts, New Zealand Medical Journal  
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10259 clicks; posted to Main » on 17 Feb 2013 at 4:15 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-02-17 11:13:40 AM  
What, no South Park, Randy Marsh or Terrance & Phillip references?   On FARK?

I am disapoint... and I fart in your general direction.
 
2013-02-17 11:18:12 AM  
Pressure reduction favors a gas producing reaction.
Simple chemistry states that *everyone* is more apt to fart on a flight.

I think Beano is missing out on a fantastic marketing opportunity.
 
2013-02-17 11:18:23 AM  
Relevant

Surprised I'm the first one.
 
2013-02-17 11:30:18 AM  
Better to let a fart and shame ya, than bust a gut and lame ya.
 
2013-02-17 12:09:19 PM  
My wife is very particular about farts. If you're going to fart you should roll down the window or step out of the room. Despite that, she married me, a man famous for loud and potent flatus.

Anyway, we were in hour six a trans-pacific flight that had been having horrible turbulence for hours and we hadn't been let out of our seats. I finally had to let one go. She shot me a death stare and told me I should've gone to the lavatory, despite the fact that I couldn't.

/csb
 
2013-02-17 12:11:39 PM  
CSB time:

Our family was on safari in Kenya and South Africa about 12 and a half years ago. My older brother, a doctor now, is notorious for being able to fall asleep anywhere for long periods of time (his friends call it time warping when he does it on a plane), and for his ability to enact chemical warfare on a scale not seen since the the Battle of Ypres on the Western Front in 1915. There were many instances on our trip where we'd take small, 8 or 10 seat planes, to remote areas. And my brother would sleep for these short flights, and flatulate without regard for those around him. We traveled as 6, and our guide made 7, so there usually were an additional one or two people on each plane. As the trip went on, he'd pretend to be sleeping, and when he would let one go, he'd just smile with his eyes closed. Our eyes might be watering from the attack on our nasal passages, but we had grown accustomed to these foul disturbances. However, other passengers had not, and we could see that the unprovoked chemical attacks were taking their toll. He took perverse pleasure in the suffering of others due to his flatulence. In one case, the pilot thought he might have an engine problem due to such a strong, foul odor in the cabin. We were quite lucky that most of the vehicles we traveled in on the ground were open and well ventilated.

But the absolute worst incident on our trip was on a short flight on a larger plane (about 80 people) between Cape Town and Kruger National Park. The first two rows of this plane had seats facing each other, so my 3 siblings and I sat together on one side of the plane. I had the pleasure of sitting next to my brother, while my sisters sat across from us. From the moment he sat down, the he closed his eyes and the attack was on. Every passenger that boarded the flight was subjected to his initial bombardment. But that was just the beginning.

As the plane took off, we saw the South African Airways flight attendant sitting at the front of the plane wrinkled her nose. My brother, actually sleeping at this point, but with a grin from ear to ear, continued the assault. When we reached cruising altitude, his release of noxious fumes had begun to take its toll on the flight attendant and the other passengers in the surrounding area. My parents would not claim ownership of their four children sitting across the aisle from them, for fear that the passengers would take vengeance upon them. The rather obese and obnoxious ham beast (clearly a fellow American, but also from somewhere in Bible Belt based on the accent) who was sitting behind us, complained to my sisters that my brother should learn to control his bodily functions. At this point, the poor flight attendant realized the situation was hopeless, and began to laugh manically given her dire situation. She attempted to roll her beverage cart down the aisle, to cross the boundary between sweet recycled air and the aura of dimethyl and hydrogen sulfide in a bubble at the front of the plane. But she could not do it; her laughter became so uncontrolled that the co-pilot came out of the cockpit to see what was going on (this was about a month before 9/11, so cockpit doors were kept open sometimes for whatever reason). When he entered "the zone," we could see his eyes begin to tear, and his nose scrunching up. He immediately bolted back to the cockpit and closed the door, to prevent any further attack on his olfactory glands. We could only assume he latched on his oxygen mask to breath some pure air to cleanse himself of the foul odor he still tasted in the back of his mouth. The flight attendant made an announcement to apologize for the lack of beverage service on the flight, claiming the pilot informed her they expected too much turbulence. But we knew what happened, because while we did not experience any turbulence on the flight, we were subjected to 70 minutes of death incarnate in the recycled air around us.

When we arrived at the private game reserve outside of Kruger, we were ecstatic to learn that the off road vehicles there did not have any tops. The final week of our safari would be rather pleasant in the open topped vehicles, able to breath fresh air.

tl;dr: my brother has such bad gas he prevented a flight attendant from passing by to conduct beverage service on a short flight.
 
2013-02-17 01:16:36 PM  
Ridiculous - failed to consider the fire hazard.
 
2013-02-17 01:23:36 PM  

sanriosucks: cover up all but the most prideful evacuations


That's a lovely turn of phrase.
 
2013-02-17 01:25:08 PM  

karlandtanya: giant eagle angioplasty bar has roasted garlic.


Man, the increasing prevalence of people typing on iPads and other devices with autocorrect has made reading Fark even more amusing.
 
2013-02-17 01:41:19 PM  

robohobo: True story, or Fark hilarity? Cause if true story, +1.


True story, ending 'B'.
 
2013-02-17 02:03:52 PM  
I always try to let one rip as I'm going through the 1st class or business sections on my way to the cheap seats.
 
2013-02-17 03:48:14 PM  

MaudlinMutantMollusk: Ya know... I can't think of a single reason I'd ever want to get on a commercial aircraft again


You need to get somewhere quickly?
 
2013-02-17 03:53:33 PM  

wambu: robohobo: True story, or Fark hilarity? Cause if true story, +1.

True story, ending 'B'.


Being that this is Fark, I thought C was the answer.  It also would be the most awesomely romantic story of all time, and gave you inner applause for it.
 
2013-02-17 04:31:00 PM  
i.imgur.com
i.imgur.com
i.imgur.com
i.imgur.com
 
2013-02-17 04:32:35 PM  
i.imgur.com
i.imgur.com
i.imgur.com
i.imgur.com
 
2013-02-17 04:33:49 PM  
I love to fart in an elevator, then snicker and chuckle until my floor.
 
2013-02-17 05:37:44 PM  
So we can all fart on Jessica Simpson? Hooray!
 
2013-02-17 05:52:23 PM  

Duck_of_Doom: wambu: robohobo: True story, or Fark hilarity? Cause if true story, +1.

True story, ending 'B'.

Being that this is Fark, I thought C was the answer.  It also would be the most awesomely romantic story of all time, and gave you inner applause for it.


Disappointingly, the truth is usually banal compared to fiction.

I'm actually married to my high school sweetheart for 40 years, which is equally romantic in a different way.
 
2013-02-17 06:35:17 PM  

wambu: Duck_of_Doom: wambu: robohobo: True story, or Fark hilarity? Cause if true story, +1.

True story, ending 'B'.

Being that this is Fark, I thought C was the answer.  It also would be the most awesomely romantic story of all time, and gave you inner applause for it.

Disappointingly, the truth is usually banal compared to fiction.

I'm actually married to my high school sweetheart for 40 years, which is equally romantic in a different way.


I'm involved with a girl I met over the internet when I was 16. I was dissapointed when "axe murder" didn't enter into the relationship. We're just kind of normal, except that we have no interest in having kids. We just passed our sixteenth anniversary and didn't do anything about it.
 
2013-02-17 06:37:09 PM  

Shadowtag: wambu: Duck_of_Doom: wambu: robohobo: True story, or Fark hilarity? Cause if true story, +1.

True story, ending 'B'.

Being that this is Fark, I thought C was the answer.  It also would be the most awesomely romantic story of all time, and gave you inner applause for it.

Disappointingly, the truth is usually banal compared to fiction.

I'm actually married to my high school sweetheart for 40 years, which is equally romantic in a different way.

I'm involved with a girl I met over the internet when I was 16. I was dissapointed when "axe murder" didn't enter into the relationship. We're just kind of normal, except that we have no interest in having kids. We just passed our sixteenth anniversary and didn't do anything about it.


Strike that. We did watch So I Married An Axe Murderer so that one line is misleading. Wasn't planned tho, it was just on tv.
 
2013-02-17 06:46:46 PM  

Shadowtag: I'm involved with a girl I met over the internet when I was 16. I was dissapointed when "axe murder" didn't enter into the relationship. We're just kind of normal, except that we have no interest in having kids. We just passed our sixteenth anniversary and didn't do anything about it.


The axe murder thoughts usually enter the picture around anniversary 20 to 25. That's normal too.
 
2013-02-17 08:17:39 PM  
i once farted so bad in a car, my girlfriend made me pull over so she could get out. it was pretty bad. all i could do was giggle. it smelled like potato salad with egg. which i like. and it makes me fart. rancid, bad egg farts.

i knew it was brewing for quite awhile, and there were two children in the car, but...i new it was going to be a good one. i let it out slow at first, then applied some pressure, so it would make a loud flapping noise, as it climaxed. very triumphant. but then the smell began to permeate the vehicle, and a look of horror came over the faces of the other occupants. i smiled. she rolled down the window, but it was no use. it was overwhelming, and saturating in its magnificence. truly one of the greatest wonders that has escaped my ass. i was perplexed at my the others did not share my reverence. then the screaming and choking began.

later, when she broke up with me, she dumped my clothes in a garbage bag on my parents lawn. to add insult to injury, when i opened the bag, i found a container or potato and egg salad. biatch.
 
2013-02-17 10:00:00 PM  
i.qkme.me
 
2013-02-18 01:14:17 AM  
 
2013-02-18 02:13:53 AM  
I call it, "turdbulence."
 
2013-02-18 05:26:15 PM  

Radak: I always fly business class.  Everyne knows farts flow back and sharts trickle down.

 
2013-02-18 05:28:05 PM  
reminded me of
 
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