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(Canoe)   Enough is enough, I have had it with these motherfarking farts on this motherfarking plane   (cnews.canoe.ca) divider line 77
    More: Unlikely, sinus ostium, farts, New Zealand Medical Journal  
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10252 clicks; posted to Main » on 17 Feb 2013 at 4:15 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-02-17 12:05:42 AM  
It's not news, it's fart?
 
2013-02-17 01:17:03 AM  
I fart on planes all the time.  All you have to do is look at someone sitting next to you with a "WTF?" look and it's all good.
 
2013-02-17 01:39:35 AM  

Lsherm: I fart on planes all the time.  All you have to do is look at someone sitting next to you with a "WTF?" look and it's all good.


dont be ashamed. fart loud, fart proud.
 
2013-02-17 01:44:39 AM  
Ya know... I can't think of a single reason I'd ever want to get on a commercial aircraft again
 
FNG [TotalFark]
2013-02-17 02:35:38 AM  
A brief squeeze out is a lot better than the permanent BO, or the lingering fumes of the nasty food eater sitting next to you.
 
2013-02-17 04:17:55 AM  

Lsherm: I fart on planes all the time.  All you have to do is look at someone sitting next to you with a "WTF?" look and it's all good.


That's a good strategy, but timing is important. For example, never give the "WTF?" look and allow a moment's awkward silence before ripping ass.
 
2013-02-17 04:25:48 AM  
Or the idiot bathed in AXE body spray, or the "woman" wearing the latest scent from the "hilton" or "kardashian" collection.
 
2013-02-17 04:29:23 AM  
I prefer the 'Do you hear that?' 'Hear what?' 'FAAAAAAAAAAAART' approach. Although since we usually fly 1st or rent a private plane, it's usually my wife on the receiving end, but she's cool and plays along.
 
2013-02-17 04:34:33 AM  
Flatulence is as natural as sneezing, burping, coughing and all the other bodily expulsions. Mankind's penchant for civilized good manners sometimes foolishly ignores the demands of Mother Nature.
 
2013-02-17 04:35:49 AM  
imageshack.us
 
2013-02-17 04:44:13 AM  
Hey, that's my only defense against smelly people, smelly food, noisy kids, noisy people--you name it.  Let a silent but deadly one roll and then look around annoyed.  Since I am a proper looking old woman in real life, I doubt anyone suspects me or even believes I think improper thoughts.
Wheeee!!
 
2013-02-17 04:56:52 AM  
In the catering biz it's called "carpet bombing".  When you walk amongst the tables rapidly whilst breaking wind. So nobody can pin it on you.

It's quite fun.
 
2013-02-17 04:57:13 AM  
I'm 'bout to open some farkin' windows.
 
2013-02-17 04:58:03 AM  
2006 called...
 
2013-02-17 04:58:22 AM  

bookelly: In the catering biz it's called "carpet bombing".  When you walk amongst the tables rapidly whilst breaking wind. So nobody can pin it on you.

It's quite fun.


I've heard it as 'crop dusting'.
 
2013-02-17 04:59:35 AM  

FNG: A brief squeeze out is a lot better than the permanent BO, or the lingering fumes of the nasty food eater sitting next to you.


I was on a late commuter flight leaving Washing, D.C. in August some 30 years ago. It was one of those German boxcars with wings and noisy propellers with a ugly curtain separating the pilot from the passengers. The late afternoon air was hot and muggy and I was glad that the only empty seat remaining was the one next to me. With a small commotion at the front of the plane, I could tell  that a last-minute passenger was boarding; my heart sank. Suddenly, the most beautiful woman in the world stepped through that door. I couldn't believe my luck. If I had to surrender my comfort and my spare seat, it would certainly be worth it. My heart raced as my my mind attempted to select the most sincere, most endearing and most effective greeting for this heavenly creature. She pasued before sitting to remove her jacket, uncovering a red silk blouse that caressed her every soft, ample curve. As my eyes bathed in the glow of her beauty, my nostrils began to twitch at the encounter of the most rancid body odor this side of a high school locker room on a hot day. Now the dark stains under her armpits became apparent, oozing a kind of oily shimmering that revealed their true horror. I smiled weakly and saw in her eyes the revealed knowledge of my revulsion to her radiating malodorous presence. I thought any hopes I had for a meaningless romantic adventure were over. As she sat, a low rumble escaped from near her seat cushion and a foul stench slowly crept into my sinuses. The noises and odors continued into the flight; she had obviously eaten something exotic and greasy for lunch that did not agree with her and the heat of the day and the confines of the plane were only making it worse. I prayed for death to overtake me and free me from this gross, frightening scourge.of stank who had only moments before been the object of my desire. I A.) murdered her within minutes of takeoff and the passengers and crew, to a man, help me dispose of the body over the ocean, B.) suffered in silence as I unsuccessfully tried to visualize her naked and clean in order to cope; naked was easy -- clean was difficult, or C.) still laugh with her about that day.
 
2013-02-17 05:00:29 AM  

bookelly: In the catering biz it's called "carpet bombing".  When you walk amongst the tables rapidly whilst breaking wind. So nobody can pin it on you.

It's quite fun.


crop dusting ?
 
2013-02-17 05:05:35 AM  

NameDot: bookelly: In the catering biz it's called "carpet bombing".  When you walk amongst the tables rapidly whilst breaking wind. So nobody can pin it on you.

It's quite fun.

crop dusting ?


Yeah...I may have confused that.  It's been many years since I heard the term.  But you get the idea clearly. It's still funny.  And effective.
 
2013-02-17 05:15:20 AM  
I'm convinced that 1) the background noise of two or four jet engines a few yards away and a fuselage hurdling through the wind cover up all but the most prideful evacuations and 2) down by your feet is the air exchange which sucks up most smells immediately.
I've flown a lot and can only think of a couple of times I've either heard or smelled some obvious ass drop. This includes the hundreds of times I've farted. This has to be design, as there is no way they could have overlooked that people were going to spend hours in a tube with other people, and most of those people were going to fart.
 
2013-02-17 05:18:42 AM  

bookelly: In the catering biz it's called "carpet bombing".  When you walk amongst the tables rapidly whilst breaking wind. So nobody can pin it on you.

It's quite fun.


now THAT is FUNNY! :)
 
2013-02-17 05:22:01 AM  

wambu: FNG: A brief squeeze out is a lot better than the permanent BO, or the lingering fumes of the nasty food eater sitting next to you.

I was on a late commuter flight leaving Washing, D.C. in August some 30 years ago. It was one of those German boxcars with wings and noisy propellers with a ugly curtain separating the pilot from the passengers. The late afternoon air was hot and muggy and I was glad that the only empty seat remaining was the one next to me. With a small commotion at the front of the plane, I could tell  that a last-minute passenger was boarding; my heart sank. Suddenly, the most beautiful woman in the world stepped through that door. I couldn't believe my luck. If I had to surrender my comfort and my spare seat, it would certainly be worth it. My heart raced as my my mind attempted to select the most sincere, most endearing and most effective greeting for this heavenly creature. She pasued before sitting to remove her jacket, uncovering a red silk blouse that caressed her every soft, ample curve. As my eyes bathed in the glow of her beauty, my nostrils began to twitch at the encounter of the most rancid body odor this side of a high school locker room on a hot day. Now the dark stains under her armpits became apparent, oozing a kind of oily shimmering that revealed their true horror. I smiled weakly and saw in her eyes the revealed knowledge of my revulsion to her radiating malodorous presence. I thought any hopes I had for a meaningless romantic adventure were over. As she sat, a low rumble escaped from near her seat cushion and a foul stench slowly crept into my sinuses. The noises and odors continued into the flight; she had obviously eaten something exotic and greasy for lunch that did not agree with her and the heat of the day and the confines of the plane were only making it worse. I prayed for death to overtake me and free me from this gross, frightening scourge.of stank who had only moments before been the object of my desire. I A.) murdered h ...



2.bp.blogspot.com
 
2013-02-17 05:25:59 AM  

wambu: FNG: A brief squeeze out is a lot better than the permanent BO, or the lingering fumes of the nasty food eater sitting next to you.

I was on a late commuter flight leaving Washing, D.C. in August some 30 years ago. It was one of those German boxcars with wings and noisy propellers with a ugly curtain separating the pilot from the passengers. The late afternoon air was hot and muggy and I was glad that the only empty seat remaining was the one next to me. With a small commotion at the front of the plane, I could tell  that a last-minute passenger was boarding; my heart sank. Suddenly, the most beautiful woman in the world stepped through that door. I couldn't believe my luck. If I had to surrender my comfort and my spare seat, it would certainly be worth it. My heart raced as my my mind attempted to select the most sincere, most endearing and most effective greeting for this heavenly creature. She pasued before sitting to remove her jacket, uncovering a red silk blouse that caressed her every soft, ample curve. As my eyes bathed in the glow of her beauty, my nostrils began to twitch at the encounter of the most rancid body odor this side of a high school locker room on a hot day. Now the dark stains under her armpits became apparent, oozing a kind of oily shimmering that revealed their true horror. I smiled weakly and saw in her eyes the revealed knowledge of my revulsion to her radiating malodorous presence. I thought any hopes I had for a meaningless romantic adventure were over. As she sat, a low rumble escaped from near her seat cushion and a foul stench slowly crept into my sinuses. The noises and odors continued into the flight; she had obviously eaten something exotic and greasy for lunch that did not agree with her and the heat of the day and the confines of the plane were only making it worse. I prayed for death to overtake me and free me from this gross, frightening scourge.of stank who had only moments before been the object of my desire. I A.) murdered h ...


Try imagining her swimming in oil. The dirty doesn't seem so bad then.
 
2013-02-17 05:26:38 AM  

wambu: FNG: A brief squeeze out is a lot better than the permanent BO, or the lingering fumes of the nasty food eater sitting next to you.

I was on a late commuter flight leaving Washing, D.C. in August some 30 years ago. It was one of those German boxcars with wings and noisy propellers with a ugly curtain separating the pilot from the passengers. The late afternoon air was hot and muggy and I was glad that the only empty seat remaining was the one next to me. With a small commotion at the front of the plane, I could tell  that a last-minute passenger was boarding; my heart sank. Suddenly, the most beautiful woman in the world stepped through that door. I couldn't believe my luck. If I had to surrender my comfort and my spare seat, it would certainly be worth it. My heart raced as my my mind attempted to select the most sincere, most endearing and most effective greeting for this heavenly creature. She pasued before sitting to remove her jacket, uncovering a red silk blouse that caressed her every soft, ample curve. As my eyes bathed in the glow of her beauty, my nostrils began to twitch at the encounter of the most rancid body odor this side of a high school locker room on a hot day. Now the dark stains under her armpits became apparent, oozing a kind of oily shimmering that revealed their true horror. I smiled weakly and saw in her eyes the revealed knowledge of my revulsion to her radiating malodorous presence. I thought any hopes I had for a meaningless romantic adventure were over. As she sat, a low rumble escaped from near her seat cushion and a foul stench slowly crept into my sinuses. The noises and odors continued into the flight; she had obviously eaten something exotic and greasy for lunch that did not agree with her and the heat of the day and the confines of the plane were only making it worse. I prayed for death to overtake me and free me from this gross, frightening scourge.of stank who had only moments before been the object of my desire. I A.) murdered h ...


True story, or Fark hilarity? Cause if true story, +1.
 
2013-02-17 05:28:34 AM  

Smoking GNU: wambu: FNG: A brief squeeze out is a lot better than the permanent BO, or the lingering fumes of the nasty food eater sitting next to you.

I was on a late commuter flight leaving Washing, D.C. in August some 30 years ago. It was one of those German boxcars with wings and noisy propellers with a ugly curtain separating the pilot from the passengers. The late afternoon air was hot and muggy and I was glad that the only empty seat remaining was the one next to me. With a small commotion at the front of the plane, I could tell  that a last-minute passenger was boarding; my heart sank. Suddenly, the most beautiful woman in the world stepped through that door. I couldn't believe my luck. If I had to surrender my comfort and my spare seat, it would certainly be worth it. My heart raced as my my mind attempted to select the most sincere, most endearing and most effective greeting for this heavenly creature. She pasued before sitting to remove her jacket, uncovering a red silk blouse that caressed her every soft, ample curve. As my eyes bathed in the glow of her beauty, my nostrils began to twitch at the encounter of the most rancid body odor this side of a high school locker room on a hot day. Now the dark stains under her armpits became apparent, oozing a kind of oily shimmering that revealed their true horror. I smiled weakly and saw in her eyes the revealed knowledge of my revulsion to her radiating malodorous presence. I thought any hopes I had for a meaningless romantic adventure were over. As she sat, a low rumble escaped from near her seat cushion and a foul stench slowly crept into my sinuses. The noises and odors continued into the flight; she had obviously eaten something exotic and greasy for lunch that did not agree with her and the heat of the day and the confines of the plane were only making it worse. I prayed for death to overtake me and free me from this gross, frightening scourge.of stank who had only moments before been the object of my desire. I A.) mur ...


and by that i mean something like cooking/olive oil or similar.
 
2013-02-17 05:38:25 AM  

davidphogan: It's not news, it's fart?


Well, I see we're done here.
 
2013-02-17 05:41:34 AM  
If their armpits are that rancid, then what about...oh, never mind.
 
2013-02-17 05:47:18 AM  
I always fly business class.  Everyne knows farts flow back and sharts trickle down.
 
2013-02-17 05:55:58 AM  

wambu: FNG: A brief squeeze out is a lot better than the permanent BO, or the lingering fumes of the nasty food eater sitting next to you.

I was on a late commuter flight leaving Washing, D.C. in August some 30 years ago. It was one of those German boxcars with wings and noisy propellers with a ugly curtain separating the pilot from the passengers. The late afternoon air was hot and muggy and I was glad that the only empty seat remaining was the one next to me. With a small commotion at the front of the plane, I could tell  that a last-minute passenger was boarding; my heart sank. Suddenly, the most beautiful woman in the world stepped through that door. I couldn't believe my luck. If I had to surrender my comfort and my spare seat, it would certainly be worth it. My heart raced as my my mind attempted to select the most sincere, most endearing and most effective greeting for this heavenly creature. She pasued before sitting to remove her jacket, uncovering a red silk blouse that caressed her every soft, ample curve. As my eyes bathed in the glow of her beauty, my nostrils began to twitch at the encounter of the most rancid body odor this side of a high school locker room on a hot day. Now the dark stains under her armpits became apparent, oozing a kind of oily shimmering that revealed their true horror. I smiled weakly and saw in her eyes the revealed knowledge of my revulsion to her radiating malodorous presence. I thought any hopes I had for a meaningless romantic adventure were over. As she sat, a low rumble escaped from near her seat cushion and a foul stench slowly crept into my sinuses. The noises and odors continued into the flight; she had obviously eaten something exotic and greasy for lunch that did not agree with her and the heat of the day and the confines of the plane were only making it worse. I prayed for death to overtake me and free me from this gross, frightening scourge.of stank who had only moments before been the object of my desire. I A.) murdered h ...


She felt so bad about how nasty she smelled that she gave you a sympathy fark?

And you still visit the body where you buried her to "talk" to her?

Me, I keep a keepsake. An earring, a tuft of hair, you know, something small to remember each. and. every. one.

/so many memories
//they will be beautiful forever in my memories
 
2013-02-17 06:04:54 AM  
It's good to know that as a society we've solved all the important medical issues and scientists are now free to tackle these lesser problems.
 
2013-02-17 06:46:05 AM  
giant eagle angioplasty bar has roasted garlic.and small sample cups for free tasting.one of those and I can melt paint right off the walls about a half hour latermakes the wife consider whether she REALLY needs me to drop by the grocery store on the way homethere's no way this happens to everyone; you would think they would stop selling known chemical weapon components if it didthat or giant eagle is way cooler than I thought
 
2013-02-17 06:48:35 AM  
?WTF, swype
 
Pav
2013-02-17 07:10:59 AM  
I've been trying to explain this to my wife for many years.
 
2013-02-17 07:11:50 AM  
There are farts and there are "Holy shiat get me out of here" farts. I've had the fortune (or misfortune depending upon your point of view) to have only delivered one of the latter ones. I cleared out an entire auto showroom. In the middle of July.. During a heatwave where the outside temps were in the 100 degree range. All doors wide open for 10 minutes and everyone, and I do mean everyone, stood outside.

Genesee twelve horse ale was their downfall that day my friends.

/and it was a silent but deadly one at that so nobody knew who did it
 
2013-02-17 07:30:46 AM  
wambu:I was on a late commuter flight leaving Washing, D.C. in August some 30 years ago. It was one of those German boxcars with wings [...]

Thirty years ago was too recent for you to fly on a German aircraft that wasn't Airbus, unless your airline had an old Junkers they still flew. Sounds like you were aboard a Saab. Anyway, that's a hell of a lot of build-up over some girl who may have run out of antiperspirant at the hotel.
 
2013-02-17 07:54:04 AM  
Someone needs to invent a HEPA airline seat cushion, that is also a flotation device. Problem solved!
 
2013-02-17 07:59:03 AM  

Radioactive Ass: There are farts and there are "Holy shiat get me out of here" farts.


AKA TF
 
2013-02-17 08:07:49 AM  
I have flown enough to deduct that turbulence = flatulence. Show me a very bumpy flight and I'll show you a stinky plain.
 
2013-02-17 08:23:47 AM  
They don't call them 'jets' for nothing...
 
2013-02-17 08:26:45 AM  
4.bp.blogspot.com
 
2013-02-17 09:07:01 AM  
Ever been on a plane coming home from Vegas?  A small metal tube filled with people who have been eating buffets and drinking all weekend.  It stinks.
 
2013-02-17 09:30:37 AM  

bookelly: NameDot: bookelly: In the catering biz it's called "carpet bombing".  When you walk amongst the tables rapidly whilst breaking wind. So nobody can pin it on you.

It's quite fun.

crop dusting ?

Yeah...I may have confused that.  It's been many years since I heard the term.  But you get the idea clearly. It's still funny.  And effective.


Yeah, "carpet bombing" makes me think of someone attempting to crop dust, but ended up losing a round of Mexican roulette.

Radioactive Ass: There are farts and there are "Holy shiat get me out of here" farts. I've had the fortune (or misfortune depending upon your point of view) to have only delivered one of the latter ones. I cleared out an entire auto showroom. In the middle of July.. During a heatwave where the outside temps were in the 100 degree range. All doors wide open for 10 minutes and everyone, and I do mean everyone, stood outside.

Genesee twelve horse ale was their downfall that day my friends.

/and it was a silent but deadly one at that so nobody knew who did it


Well I can see how you got your Fark handle.
 
2013-02-17 09:39:05 AM  

robohobo: bookelly: In the catering biz it's called "carpet bombing".  When you walk amongst the tables rapidly whilst breaking wind. So nobody can pin it on you.

It's quite fun.

I've heard it as 'crop dusting'.


That's when you do it in store aisles, especially the produce section
 
2013-02-17 09:39:16 AM  
Best fart CSB...
When Mrs. Gumby was around 7 months pregnant, with her heightened senses... I let one go quietly that just lingered, she took in a full lung's worth and promptly puked. Top that!
 
2013-02-17 09:51:53 AM  
While attending an army school, they sent us to what we called 'The Vault' - no windows, just a big block building.
Because more sailors showed up for the class than expected, they formed a special night class for us.
Also, because they posited that we were on TDY, we got COMRATS instead of eating in the mess.
Combining these two, we found ourselves in a dilemma that most restaurants were closed by the time we got out of class.
Searching for the nearest place to the base, we ended up at Sally Raybos (sp?) every night.
Sally would ask why we didn't make it for 'Happy Hour', and when we explained our plight, she said she would try to keep the kitchen open late for us, and we would pay happy hour prices for beer.
On the nights the kitchen was closed, dinner consisted of some cheap beer on tap in pitchers, jerky, and they would bring the jar of pickled eggs to the table.
Needless to say, the day after was not pleasant for anyone near us.
We could clear out an entire wing of the Vault on a good night - and we did more than once.
Of course, we all took our cues from the resident bubblehead - he didn't need the cheap beer or pickled eggs, he could fart on demand - with stench.

/Good times...
 
Pav
2013-02-17 10:03:34 AM  

Im_Gumby: Best fart CSB...
When Mrs. Gumby was around 7 months pregnant, with her heightened senses... I let one go quietly that just lingered, she took in a full lung's worth and promptly puked. Top that!


When I was a feshman in high school my sister was driving her friend in the front passenger seat.  I let such a nasty one rip that my sisters friend ran out if the car and puked.  No sensitive prego wife, just pure stench.  Consider yourself topped.

/csb off
 
2013-02-17 10:05:52 AM  
As someone who can sit in the very front window seat that has the great view...
If you fart when you need to, you are far less likely to have something else come out when the air that the plane is flying in decides to do something odd.  Farts make far fewer other passengers ill than adults that needs a diaper change.
 
2013-02-17 10:11:23 AM  

WorkingInParadise: Someone needs to invent a HEPA airline seat cushion, that is also a flotation device. Problem solved!


HEPA only filters particulate, Farts are usually a vapor more than a fume, you'd want an activated charcoal cushion.  Shouldn't be too hard, just grind up a bunch of coals, stuff the seats, and voila, an odor free airplane.
 
2013-02-17 10:43:04 AM  
t2.gstatic.com
 
2013-02-17 10:49:12 AM  

Pav: Im_Gumby: Best fart CSB...
When Mrs. Gumby was around 7 months pregnant, with her heightened senses... I let one go quietly that just lingered, she took in a full lung's worth and promptly puked. Top that!

When I was a feshman in high school my sister was driving her friend in the front passenger seat.  I let such a nasty one rip that my sisters friend ran out if the car and puked.  No sensitive prego wife, just pure stench.  Consider yourself topped.

/csb off


You da man!
 
2013-02-17 10:55:20 AM  
I can tolerate the farts, but for everyone's sake, please be sure that's what you're going to do...

laughtrip.phantommaelstrom.com
 
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