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(Yahoo)   Car detailer finds an envelope with $1200 cash in a car he's cleaning and promptly returns it to its rightful owner, whose reaction proves him to be the biggest douchebag imaginable   (news.yahoo.com) divider line 66
    More: Sad, Good Samaritan, Sutherlands Hardware Store, no good deed goes unpunished  
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52658 clicks; posted to Main » on 14 Feb 2013 at 4:02 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
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Archived thread
2013-02-14 04:35:59 PM
26 votes:
I found a wallet once on the curb while jogging, and I flip it open and see only the drivers license. Didn't look to see what else was in it. The address was close to the number of the mailbox in my line of vision, so I just walked down and rang the doorbell. Guy answers, same face on the license, I tell him I found his wallet 8 houses down on the curb and he flips it open and in a panic tells me the cash is missing, where's the $300. I tell him I didn't even look in it and he calls me a liar, says nobody would just not look, says to give him his money back. He grabs the collar of my shirt and I instinctively charge him, inside his house, ramming his head into the wall. I fall backwards from the impact, and when I look up the dude is motionless. I drove his skull against some sort of hook apparently, must have gone straight through his brain, killing him instantly. Not knowing what to do, I grabbed his wallet and got the fark out of there. I look in it when I get home and crazy thing is, the $300 is still in there. Used it to buy a ps3.
2013-02-14 04:14:52 PM
12 votes:
When I was changing tires in college a customer accused me of stealing a bag of weed from his glove box.

My manager offered to call the police for him so he could report the theft.
2013-02-14 05:42:16 PM
11 votes:
Reminds me of this one time I hear a knock at my door. I answer it and this tweaker is standing there. He was in pretty bad shape, fidgeting and clawing at his arm, looked like he hadn't eaten in a week. Anyway he tries to hand me a pine cone and says "Hey man, I found your wallet". I start to explain to him that I wasn't missing my wallet and he was holding a pine cone, guy was tripping balls. Then all of the sudden he screams at me "HEY ASSHOLE! I DIDN'T TAKE YOUR MONEY!!!" and rushes me.

Now the guy weighs a buck and a quarter soaking wet but I wasn't ready for it and I tripped and fell backwards. Then the punk says, "Oh shiat! I killed him! I gotta get the fark outa here!", grabs the pine cone and takes off. Weirdest thing I ever saw. Then I went out and bought a PS3.
2013-02-14 04:05:17 PM
9 votes:
Well, in the douchebag's defense, he DID have to get to the gym in 26 minutes...
2013-02-14 04:33:44 PM
7 votes:
"Osborn was surprised by what the man said: "I hope it's all there."


YES SIR! IT IS DEFINITELY ALL THERE. YOU ARE CERTAINLY HOLDING TWELVE HUNDRED DOLLARS IN CASH IN YOUR HAND RIGHT NOW. HAVE A GOOD DAY.
2013-02-14 04:31:48 PM
7 votes:
I found a wallet in a college lecture hall about 8 years ago. I still have it, everything's intact. there's $7 in it, drivers license, student id, pic of girlfriend.

I plan on one day contacting the owner based on the DL address. at the time, it belonged to young kid 19-20y.o., so I figure the address is his parents house, and I'll keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best.

thing is, when I return it, I'll concoct some story about how I came across it, the parents/owner will be amazed that he is finally getting it returned in tact. it'll probably be mentioned on his Facebook page or something, and possibly some news organization will pick it up as a feel-good story.

and yet no one will realize that it wasn't kismet or fate or sheer luck that his wallet was returned to him 30-40 years after it went missing. there is no magical mystical force that is bringing his wallet back to him.

it was me. it'll be returned on my time, my whim, my desire.

that's how the universe works.
2013-02-14 04:10:32 PM
7 votes:
But what happened to the $1600 before the douchebag lost sight of it? Was the $2300 well hidden or was the $2500 in plain sight?
2013-02-14 04:59:51 PM
6 votes:
I've got a CSB about how my life got completely changed by a stolen wallet.  It was in west Philly on a basketball court where I was shooting with some friends.  There was a wallet sitting by the side of the court and when I went to pick it up, some guys who were obviously up to no good came by and started making trouble.  They said that was their wallet when it obviously wasn't, and when we refused to give it up we got into a huge brawl.  At one point one of the big ones picked me up and spun me around like I was nothing, it was absolutely crazy.

Well because of this my aunt, who I was living with, freaked out.  She sent me to live with some relatives in California.  My entire life, flipped-turned upside down, because of some stupid wallet.
2013-02-14 04:06:04 PM
6 votes:
FTFA: "Never judge a book by its cover."

"You can't judge a book by its cover? Yes you can! That's why books have them!"
- Jim Norton
2013-02-14 04:53:16 PM
5 votes:
My great grandfather found a wallet on the street in Austria many years ago.  He looked at the ID, and saw that the man was a painter who lived nearby.  Grandpa was shocked when he went to return the wallet and was accused of stealing the money that had been in it.  The painter flew into such a rage that he slapped the yarmulke off of Grampa's head and chased him down the street spewing anti-semitic insults at him.
2013-02-14 08:47:38 PM
4 votes:
I found a wallet once.  It was actually more of a day planner, like a filofax that had the guy's business schedule, credit cards and gym membership in it.  I was going to give it back to him, and I saw that I could just meet him at his next appointment for the day, which was at a swanky businessmen's lunchroom.  But the guy didn't show up!  When I went to find his client that he would be lunching with, the client thought I was the rich guy who owned the filofax!  He asked me a question about the Chicago Cubs right off the bat, and I knew the answer, so I told him.

Next thing I know we're sitting eating lobster and drinking margaritas!  Later, at the tennis lesson, I told him just what I thought of his low-quality Japanese foods and how he could improve his factory.  This shocked him, but I think he was impressed by my honesty.  Still no sign of Mr. Filofax.  Since the important Japanese client still thought I was him, I figured I should continue the gag, at least up until I had to leave to go watch the World Series (winning tickets to a Series game is why I felt I had to bust out of jail one day early, and what started this whole mess in the first place.)  But at the big meeting with the ad men, Spencer shows up and demands his filofax back!  Then his boss fired him for looking like a bum.  I guess without his planner the poor guy went completely to pieces.  So I took him to the ball game, the Cubs won, and I managed to sneak back inside the prison before the warden noticed me gone!  All in all, a pretty good couple of days.  I guess the moral of the story is to you all the kids all across the land, take it from me, parents just don't understand.
2013-02-14 07:00:40 PM
4 votes:

blatz514: I was leaving a bar last night and saw $20 sitting in the automated ATM machine.


Sure it wasn't an automated ATM teller machine?
2013-02-14 07:39:55 PM
3 votes:

Atomic Spunk: SuperNinjaToad: About 6 years ago I found a purse which contained about $1500 in cash at a local restaurant. Upon looking deeper I saw a vibrator. Needless to say I couldn't help myself and looked at the driver's license. To my surprise the picture was of a very attractive albeit older lady of maybe late 40s etc. Height t was listed at about 5' 8 and weight about 135 ibs. Address listed was no more than 2 blocks away.
Being the good samaritan that I am, I drove over to her house with the intention of giving her back her purse. The house was quite modest but nicely kept and maintained. Anyway I rang the doorbell and to my pleasant surprise a gorgeous tall blond opened the door. I proceeded to explain why I was there and before I know it she gave out a ecstatic shriek and told me it her mom's and that they had been coming the entire house trying to find her purse. Not a moment later the lady whom I recognized on the driver's license rushed out the door and gave me the biggest hug ever. I was so caught off guard I didn't even noticed all she had on was a bath robe. She was quite wet.  Apparently she was in the middle of a shower and must have heard her daughter's yell earlier.

They invited me in for coffee and I found the interior to be very warm and cozy. The daughter then told me the money I found was actually for the rent and grocery for the month. They were just so grateful I was such an honest person to have brought her purse and contents back to them.

When the mom opened up her purse to check the cash she also sheepishly asked me if I had taken a 'look' inside. I embarassingly said yes. She proceeded to take out her vibrator and both mom and daughter busted out laughing. The daughter then told me she had one that is similar and ran off to her bedroom. In what seemed like forever she finally came out holding her pink vibrator and wearing just her panties and a white UF Gator t-shirt.

Then I went out and bought a PS3. 

C'mon man, FINISH THE GODDAMN STORY!!!

How's that?
2013-02-14 05:31:47 PM
3 votes:
I'm walking through Costco last month, and as one of the employees with a broom walks by, he quietly/clearly says my first name. I'm shocked and turn my head, but figure it's nothing.
He walks by me a few seconds later and again, clearly, I hear my first name. Weird.
Happens a third time, since I'm now standing still at a clothing table to see how this plays out. Why do I keep hearing my name?

He walks by and I clearly hear my entire name - first and last. No question. I look right at him...
He says, "Are you..." and I nod, trying to figure out where I've met this guy before...

He smiles and holds up my Amex card (with my name on it) that had fallen out of my pocket onto the Costco floor.

Thanks, dude. You're way cool.
2013-02-14 04:51:57 PM
3 votes:
Where are all the stories like:

Whenever I walk into restaurants, I find money on the tables all the time.  I don't know why people so easily lose money there.

Or

This one time at church, they were just passing around a basket for people to take money from.  That must have been a really rich church.
2013-02-14 04:11:22 PM
3 votes:
I just got a customer ticket for a technical issue.  I swear her description was barely above utter gibberish - random mistyped characters, bizarre punctuation, issue completely unclear.  Instead of communicating through text I called her to offer an online web conference.

"Hi, my name is Diogenes and I'm from X Company Support.  I'm calling to assist with your technical issue."

"Well this better be good.  Because I'm leaving at 4."
2013-02-14 04:08:43 PM
3 votes:

taurusowner: The leather wallet I use to this day I found on the ground in a parking lot about 7 years ago totally empty. I hope whoever lost it/got robbed didn't lose too much. It's a pretty nice wallet.


Eww and/or gross.
2013-02-14 04:05:18 PM
3 votes:

psychicdeath99: About a year ago, my wallet fell out of my pocket as I got out of my car. About an hour later a little old lady from an apartment downstairs knocked on my door and gave me the wallet.

I looked through it and saw that the little bit of money, but more importantly my driver's license, credit cards, etc. were still there. I thanked her and commented that I was happy nothing was taken, and then had to reassure the little old lady that I wasn't accusing her of anything. My thought was that someone else could have seen it first, emptied it, and then tossed it back down for her to find.


The leather wallet I use to this day I found on the ground in a parking lot about 7 years ago totally empty. I hope whoever lost it/got robbed didn't lose too much. It's a pretty nice wallet.
2013-02-14 01:57:19 PM
3 votes:
"Just because [somebody's got] a beard and tattoos and [they're] dirty doesn't mean they're bad people."

Ha ha ha! Good one!
2013-02-14 09:35:32 PM
2 votes:

Somaticasual: Atomic Spunk: SuperNinjaToad: About 6 years ago I found a purse which contained about $1500 in cash at a local restaurant. Upon looking deeper I saw a vibrator. Needless to say I couldn't help myself and looked at the driver's license. To my surprise the picture was of a very attractive albeit older lady of maybe late 40s etc. Height t was listed at about 5' 8 and weight about 135 ibs. Address listed was no more than 2 blocks away.
Being the good samaritan that I am, I drove over to her house with the intention of giving her back her purse. The house was quite modest but nicely kept and maintained. Anyway I rang the doorbell and to my pleasant surprise a gorgeous tall blond opened the door. I proceeded to explain why I was there and before I know it she gave out a ecstatic shriek and told me it her mom's and that they had been coming the entire house trying to find her purse. Not a moment later the lady whom I recognized on the driver's license rushed out the door and gave me the biggest hug ever. I was so caught off guard I didn't even noticed all she had on was a bath robe. She was quite wet. Apparently she was in the middle of a shower and must have heard her daughter's yell earlier.

They invited me in for coffee and I found the interior to be very warm and cozy. The daughter then told me the money I found was actually for the rent and grocery for the month. They were just so grateful I was such an honest person to have brought her purse and contents back to them.

When the mom opened up her purse to check the cash she also sheepishly asked me if I had taken a 'look' inside. I embarassingly said yes. She proceeded to take out her vibrator and both mom and daughter busted out laughing. The daughter then told me she had one that is similar and ran off to her bedroom. In what seemed like forever she finally came out holding her pink vibrator and wearing just her panties and a white UF Gator t-shirt. With a flirtatious smile, she looks at me and says

"OPEN THE DOOR / GET ON THE FLOOR /EVERYBODY WALK THE DINOSAUR."

C'mon man, FINISH THE GODDAMN STORY!!!
2013-02-14 07:02:24 PM
2 votes:
About 6 years ago I found a purse which contained about $1500 in cash at a local restaurant. Upon looking deeper I saw a vibrator. Needless to say I couldn't help myself and looked at the driver's license. To my surprise the picture was of a very attractive albeit older lady of maybe late 40s etc. Height t was listed at about 5' 8 and weight about 135 ibs. Address listed was no more than 2 blocks away.
Being the good samaritan that I am, I drove over to her house with the intention of giving her back her purse. The house was quite modest but nicely kept and maintained. Anyway I rang the doorbell and to my pleasant surprise a gorgeous tall blond opened the door. I proceeded to explain why I was there and before I know it she gave out a ecstatic shriek and told me it her mom's and that they had been coming the entire house trying to find her purse. Not a moment later the lady whom I recognized on the driver's license rushed out the door and gave me the biggest hug ever. I was so caught off guard I didn't even noticed all she had on was a bath robe. She was quite wet.  Apparently she was in the middle of a shower and must have heard her daughter's yell earlier.

They invited me in for coffee and I found the interior to be very warm and cozy. The daughter then told me the money I found was actually for the rent and grocery for the month. They were just so grateful I was such an honest person to have brought her purse and contents back to them.

When the mom opened up her purse to check the cash she also sheepishly asked me if I had taken a 'look' inside. I embarassingly said yes. She proceeded to take out her vibrator and both mom and daughter busted out laughing. The daughter then told me she had one that is similar and ran off to her bedroom. In what seemed like forever she finally came out holding her pink vibrator and wearing just her panties and a white UF Gator t-shirt.
2013-02-14 06:33:33 PM
2 votes:

publikenemy: I actually WORK for a living, and this is frowned upon. Even though I own a house and cars and kids and all that other BS that society tells me I have to have to be considered successful..but they don't now this, and even if they did I'm still just an uneducated grease monkey...it actually can be kind of depressing at times.


You own kids? Not cool dude, not cool.
2013-02-14 05:45:22 PM
2 votes:
I was in line at 7/11 and noticed a wallet on the counter I pointed to it and said to the guy in front of me, "I think that may be your wallet" (I never touched it) he quickly grabbed it and looked inside and rudely said "wheres my money" and I said "take a look at your hand". Yes I believe alcohol was involved.
2013-02-14 04:36:47 PM
2 votes:

SN1987a goes boom: 1) Why was the guy carrying around an envelope with $1200 in it?
2) Why did he not constantly keep aware of it?



You sound poor.
2013-02-14 04:17:52 PM
2 votes:
I lost a wallet while I was waiting for my ride home from work once. It had about $40 in cash, along with all the rest of the detritus. I'm pretty sure it just fell out of my pocket. I know who took it, since I had the wallet when I walked out of the mall, and didn't have it after getting home. The only possible person could have been the teenage girl who was on the bench next to me.

I only bring it up here because about 6 weeks later, I got the wallet and cards back in the mail, sans cash. It was addressed in feminine handwriting. I always imagine her mom catching her with a stranger's wallet and forcing her to mail it back.
2013-02-14 04:15:19 PM
2 votes:
Osborn hopes that people will learn from his experience, and he says, "Just because [somebody's got] a beard and tattoos and [they're] dirty doesn't mean they're bad people."

eh... For the most part, around here everyone has tattoos, beards and looks dirty.

It's the bastards wearing expensive suits and smelling like a Macy's counter display you need to watch out for. Those assholes'll rob you blind. : )
2013-02-14 02:37:43 PM
2 votes:
Where the hell did you get the part about him cleaning the asshole's car,  Subby??

Unless the guy happens to drive the sidewalk in front of a hardware store..
2013-02-14 11:26:52 PM
1 votes:
My CSB:

One time, when I was buying a bus ticket at a bar (it was also the local Greyhound Agent), this guy next to me was in a huge hurry. He finished up his transaction then ran out of the bar. Several seconds later, I notice that he's left his wallet on the bar. I take it outside and look for him and I see him running down the sidewalk, maybe 30 or 40 yards away. I shout out to him that he dropped his wallet -- doesn't hear me, still running. Then, instead of trying to chase him down, I decide to throw his wallet at him. So I wind up, give it a good heave and... perfect throw! It whacks him right in the back! He stops, looks around confused for a bit, then finds his wallet and picks it up.

I waved to him and he eventually saw me and waved back, then kept on his way. In hindsight, I wish I had just snuck back inside before he saw me, leaving him to wonder where his wallet came from.
2013-02-14 08:05:19 PM
1 votes:
Not CSB:
When I was a teenager I found a girl's wallet with $30. That was a lot of money to me.  So I immediately went to the video game parlor and proceeded to piss that money away.  Later I'm sitting outside of the shop (insdie the mall) and a group of girls are walking around, one of them crying (she looked about 12 or 13) and they're all talking about "where else should we look".  It was obvious to me that I had found this girls money and spent it all on pinball without making the minimal attempt at finding the rightful owner.  I felt like shiat.  Since then, I have always returned found wallets.  I don't want any more bad kharma for being a douche.
2013-02-14 07:17:52 PM
1 votes:
I was bartending and someone left their phone behind. We asked around and it didn't belong to anyone. It was a slow night and two of us were on shift so I got off early and was sitting around just having a few. I looked at contacts to see if I knew anyone I could get a hold of (kind of a small town) and then clicked on photos. The owner seemed to love photographing parts of her body. When I finally saw one with her face, I remembered the group she was with and knew they went to the bar next door. I went over, found her and gave her the phone back. When she asked how I knew it was hers, I just said I saw her leave it and tried to yell after her but she didn't hear. She said thanks and was nice, but no thanks was really necessary at that point.
2013-02-14 07:13:25 PM
1 votes:

SuperNinjaToad: About 6 years ago I found a purse which contained about $1500 in cash at a local restaurant. Upon looking deeper I saw a vibrator. Needless to say I couldn't help myself and looked at the driver's license. To my surprise the picture was of a very attractive albeit older lady of maybe late 40s etc. Height t was listed at about 5' 8 and weight about 135 ibs. Address listed was no more than 2 blocks away.
Being the good samaritan that I am, I drove over to her house with the intention of giving her back her purse. The house was quite modest but nicely kept and maintained. Anyway I rang the doorbell and to my pleasant surprise a gorgeous tall blond opened the door. I proceeded to explain why I was there and before I know it she gave out a ecstatic shriek and told me it her mom's and that they had been coming the entire house trying to find her purse. Not a moment later the lady whom I recognized on the driver's license rushed out the door and gave me the biggest hug ever. I was so caught off guard I didn't even noticed all she had on was a bath robe. She was quite wet.  Apparently she was in the middle of a shower and must have heard her daughter's yell earlier.

They invited me in for coffee and I found the interior to be very warm and cozy. The daughter then told me the money I found was actually for the rent and grocery for the month. They were just so grateful I was such an honest person to have brought her purse and contents back to them.

When the mom opened up her purse to check the cash she also sheepishly asked me if I had taken a 'look' inside. I embarassingly said yes. She proceeded to take out her vibrator and both mom and daughter busted out laughing. The daughter then told me she had one that is similar and ran off to her bedroom. In what seemed like forever she finally came out holding her pink vibrator and wearing just her panties and a white UF Gator t-shirt.


That's bullshiat someone woke you up right when it was getting good. I hope you had time to crank one out.
2013-02-14 07:04:24 PM
1 votes:

AndreMA: blatz514: I was leaving a bar last night and saw $20 sitting in the automated ATM machine.

Sure it wasn't an automated ATM teller machine?


It wasn't that fancy.
2013-02-14 06:57:25 PM
1 votes:

Biner: rich_mitch: My good Samaritan CSB:

I'm walking along the beach and this little girl runs up to me, freaking out, and says, "Mister, I know I'm not supposed to talk to strangers but my sister is trapped on a rock and can't get down.  I can't find my parents.  They said they'd never leave me but they're gone!"

Sure enough an even younger girl is sitting on top of a pretty big ocean rock and bawling because she's afraid to climb down.  I climb up, help her down and tell that I'll wait with her until her parents get back.  About five minutes later the mom comes running down the beach, snatches up her daughter, gives me this look like I'm obviously a baby rapist and whisks the daughter off without saying a word.

I never even got to tell her that it would be a cold day before her kids would ever trust her again.

/CSB

My similar CSB:

I was at Universal Studios Citywalk in LA and spotted a little 3 or 4 year old girl playing with her brothers at the base of a long escalator. She decided to grab the moving handrail on the outside of the escalator and was instantly lifted off her feet and being pulled up to the second level, probably about 20 or 25 feet above ground level. Had she fallen, she'd have likely been seriously hurt. I ran up the escalator, grabbed her arms and pulled her over the railing to safety. We got to the second level and immediately turned around to go back down and find her mom. (She was scared and hysterical, but I got her calmed down as the we descended to the ground level.) Of course, all the mom saw was some long-haired white guy holding her (black) daughter's hand coming down the escalator. Mom was getting ready to open a can of whoopass on me for kidnapping her daughter, when one of the older kids explained that I'd just saved the little girl's life. Instead of thanking me, the mom just started chewing out the little girl for scaring her so badly. I just walked away before the mom decided to have me arrested or something.

/CSB


go on.......

content6.flixster.com
2013-02-14 06:31:57 PM
1 votes:
If I understand the bulk of comments here, somebody you didn't know was mean/rude/unappreciative to you once -so screw everybody you don't know.

To the lab. I shall design a virus that lives on money for about an hour. It cannot be passed any other way than the handling of money but will be inactivated after the first person touches it. It will cause an infection with little to no symptoms other than to cause sterility. I shall use crowdfunding to support my crusade to spread this.
My great-great grandchildren will inherit a better world.
2013-02-14 06:16:17 PM
1 votes:

Raoul Eaton: MythDragon: My two favorite found money CSBs

1: Wading around in the Flordia gulf when I feel something brush my hand. Instinctively I grab it, because it could be seaweed, it could be a big-ass man-o-war. Either way I found something interesting. Turns out it was a crisp (well now soggy) new 20. Just floating along with the currents. Sadly it wasn't part of a school.

2: At a gunshow. Had to use the bathrooms. As anyone who has been to a gunshow can tell you, the bathrooms are pissy free-for-alls were the toilets are more of a suggestion. I see a wad of bills on the floor. Now I am no stranger to Poo_Dollar, and I don't need a couple of 1s that bad. But wait, what's that in the middle? That larger white boarder....is that...it is! a 20! And a 5 to go with it. But did the 1s provide enough of a barrier? Gently I grab the 25 bucks by the edge and shake off the pissy 1s, I carefully test the dollar for urine content (I eyeball it) and make the determination that the four sacrificial singles did a good enough job keeping the piss off. Still to be safe, I stuck them in a cargo pocket and used them there so I wouldn't have to take them home. Later I wondered about the now extra pissy 4 singles laying on the floor and wondered if anyone would take them. I went back 20 minutes later and they were gone, of course.

You instinctively grab something because it might be a Portugese man of war?  Are you nuts?


Well, how  else is he supposed to get superpowers?
2013-02-14 06:11:34 PM
1 votes:

MythDragon: My two favorite found money CSBs

1: Wading around in the Flordia gulf when I feel something brush my hand. Instinctively I grab it, because it could be seaweed, it could be a big-ass man-o-war. Either way I found something interesting. Turns out it was a crisp (well now soggy) new 20. Just floating along with the currents. Sadly it wasn't part of a school.

2: At a gunshow. Had to use the bathrooms. As anyone who has been to a gunshow can tell you, the bathrooms are pissy free-for-alls were the toilets are more of a suggestion. I see a wad of bills on the floor. Now I am no stranger to Poo_Dollar, and I don't need a couple of 1s that bad. But wait, what's that in the middle? That larger white boarder....is that...it is! a 20! And a 5 to go with it. But did the 1s provide enough of a barrier? Gently I grab the 25 bucks by the edge and shake off the pissy 1s, I carefully test the dollar for urine content (I eyeball it) and make the determination that the four sacrificial singles did a good enough job keeping the piss off. Still to be safe, I stuck them in a cargo pocket and used them there so I wouldn't have to take them home. Later I wondered about the now extra pissy 4 singles laying on the floor and wondered if anyone would take them. I went back 20 minutes later and they were gone, of course.


You instinctively grab something because it might be a Portugese man of war?  Are you nuts?
2013-02-14 05:49:57 PM
1 votes:
Dirty (check)
Tattoos (check)
Missing Teeth

Douchie had the correct response:
You aint from around these parts, are yew? Yew one of them hipster hippies comin' down here and taking all the good detailiin' jewbs? This here wouldn't be happinin' if Romney got inta the White House! Youse probaby replaced all my money that I got fer my infirmity with Obamadollars!
2013-02-14 05:35:37 PM
1 votes:

KangTheMad: UNAUTHORIZED FINGER: Heh, Sin_City_Superhero, KangTheMad, and jst3p, I'd have clicked the "Smart" button on your posts, if it only had three more letters, "A-S-S" :)

You could throw out a TF sponsorship.

//shameless plug
///well...nearly shameless


Heh, if steamships were a dime, all I could do is run up and down the shoreline, shouting "Gee, ain't that CHEAP?"
2013-02-14 05:29:06 PM
1 votes:
taurusowner: Band shirts to concerts.

You're wearing that shirt?  You're wearing the shirt, of the band your going to see, at their concert?  Don't be that guy!

/Gutter is a tool!
2013-02-14 05:22:41 PM
1 votes:
I once found a wallet; it was right where I left it.
2013-02-14 05:07:36 PM
1 votes:
My two favorite found money CSBs

1: Wading around in the Flordia gulf when I feel something brush my hand. Instinctively I grab it, because it could be seaweed, it could be a big-ass man-o-war. Either way I found something interesting. Turns out it was a crisp (well now soggy) new 20. Just floating along with the currents. Sadly it wasn't part of a school.

2: At a gunshow. Had to use the bathrooms. As anyone who has been to a gunshow can tell you, the bathrooms are pissy free-for-alls were the toilets are more of a suggestion. I see a wad of bills on the floor. Now I am no stranger to Poo_Dollar, and I don't need a couple of 1s that bad. But wait, what's that in the middle? That larger white boarder....is that...it is! a 20! And a 5 to go with it. But did the 1s provide enough of a barrier? Gently I grab the 25 bucks by the edge and shake off the pissy 1s, I carefully test the dollar for urine content (I eyeball it) and make the determination that the four sacrificial singles did a good enough job keeping the piss off. Still to be safe, I stuck them in a cargo pocket and used them there so I wouldn't have to take them home. Later I wondered about the now extra pissy 4 singles laying on the floor and wondered if anyone would take them. I went back 20 minutes later and they were gone, of course.
2013-02-14 05:06:48 PM
1 votes:
When I was in high school, I had a job working at a gas station.  One morning a Camaro driven by a 30-ish woman dressed(badly) like a secretary drove into the station.  I could see there was something dragging under the car when it drove in.  She drove up to me and through the window said,  "It sounds like something is dragging under my car, the noise started this morning."  I could she was wearing one of those oversized trench coats with the big wrap-around belt.  Yup, you guessed it,  she got into the car and closed the door with the buckle end of the belt hanging outside of the car.    The buckle was dragging along, and bouncing up and down against the rocker panel.  I told her to open the door.  When she opened the door,  I picked up the belt, which was worse for wear, and said, "This is what's dragging".  I didn't make fun.  I didn't say it in a snarky kind of way.  it was said as a matter of fact.  She grabbed the belt out of my hands, slammed the door and called me an asshole before driving off.   Experiences like that are what turn young kids into cynics.
2013-02-14 05:06:17 PM
1 votes:
The envelope was dropped on purpose, dumbass
2013-02-14 05:03:24 PM
1 votes:

Yuri Futanari: I've got a CSB about how my life got completely changed by a stolen wallet.  It was in west Philly on a basketball court where I was shooting with some friends.  There was a wallet sitting by the side of the court and when I went to pick it up, some guys who were obviously up to no good came by and started making trouble.  They said that was their wallet when it obviously wasn't, and when we refused to give it up we got into a huge brawl.  At one point one of the big ones picked me up and spun me around like I was nothing, it was absolutely crazy.

Well because of this my aunt, who I was living with, freaked out.  She sent me to live with some relatives in California.  My entire life, flipped-turned upside down, because of some stupid wallet.


I think you mean your mom.  You went to live with your aunt in California.

God, get it right.
2013-02-14 04:57:37 PM
1 votes:
I wouldn't have given it back because anyone who carries cash around in an envelope is a moron and deserves to lose it. You simply wrap it around your driver's license and credit cards with a rubber band to hold it in place. And keep the big bills on the outside.
pandodaily.files.wordpress.com
2013-02-14 04:51:28 PM
1 votes:

Louisiana_Sitar_Club: psychicdeath99: ds394: psychicdeath99: About a year ago, my wallet fell out of my pocket as I got out of my car. About an hour later a little old lady from an apartment downstairs knocked on my door and gave me the wallet.

I looked through it and saw that the little bit of money, but more importantly my driver's license, credit cards, etc. were still there. I thanked her and commented that I was happy nothing was taken, and then had to reassure the little old lady that I wasn't accusing her of anything. My thought was that someone else could have seen it first, emptied it, and then tossed it back down for her to find.

Soo... you kind of come across as a bit of a douche, don't cha?

The point being, the first thing you say is "Thank you so much!" before you start checking for your goodies.

/I'm assuming you didn't say "thank you" right away because that's the way you told your CSB.

I am capable of saying thank you and looking through a wallet at the same time.  I didn't even know I had dropped my wallet, so I had to look through it to see if it was in fact mine.

Man, whatever happened to psyichdeath98?
That guy was way nicer.


He's doing five to ten in the state prison for purse snatching and typos.
2013-02-14 04:46:26 PM
1 votes:

SN1987a goes boom: 1) Why was the guy carrying around an envelope with $1200 in it?
2) Why did he not constantly keep aware of it?


Uncle Billy was taking it to the bank to deposit it and stuck it inside his newspaper for safekeeping. In the bank lobby old Mister Potter grabbed the paper from Uncle Billy, who didn't realize the envelope was still inside the newspaper.
2013-02-14 04:45:07 PM
1 votes:
$1200 is not a huge amount of money to carry with you. You don't want to lose it, but there are plenty of legitimate, non-drug-related reasons to have an envelope of cash.

reske.us
2013-02-14 04:44:33 PM
1 votes:

you are a puppet: I found a wallet once on the curb while jogging, and I flip it open and see only the drivers license. Didn't look to see what else was in it. The address was close to the number of the mailbox in my line of vision, so I just walked down and rang the doorbell. Guy answers, same face on the license, I tell him I found his wallet 8 houses down on the curb and he flips it open and in a panic tells me the cash is missing, where's the $300. I tell him I didn't even look in it and he calls me a liar, says nobody would just not look, says to give him his money back. He grabs the collar of my shirt and I instinctively charge him, inside his house, ramming his head into the wall. I fall backwards from the impact, and when I look up the dude is motionless. I drove his skull against some sort of hook apparently, must have gone straight through his brain, killing him instantly. Not knowing what to do, I grabbed his wallet and got the fark out of there. I look in it when I get home and crazy thing is, the $300 is still in there. Used it to buy a ps3.

2013-02-14 04:42:17 PM
1 votes:

Southern100: blatz514: Here is my wallet CSB.

Stopped at a Subway during a long car trip.  Went to use the bathroom and do my business.  There was a fat wallet sitting on top of the toilet paper dispenser.  I ask you Fark community, how many of you take out your wallet to take a dump?

/CSB

*Raises Hand*

It will depend on if my phone has signal in there, though. If it does, I'll read the news, or browse a site in my favorites. If my phone doesn't have a signal (or it's about to lose battery), I'll use the time to clean out my wallet of old receipts I don't need, business cards that I collect & don't use, old store "rewards cards" with barcodes that I'll transfer to my phone reward card app, etc.. basically just housecleaning. If I'm sitting there, I might as well be productive. :)


If you it takes you that long to pinch a loaf at a fast-food restaurant, you should probably hold the cheese and switch to the multi-grain bread.

Just sayin'.
2013-02-14 04:39:32 PM
1 votes:
I was driving home from college last summer/fall when I saw a truck creeping along the shoulder of the road, going the other way, it was a fairly busy road, and not too wide, so people couldn't really go around him. So I pulled into the parking lot of a sandwich joint some ways behind him, went over, and asked if he needed help. Turns out he did, the shift stick had broken at the base or something, so now it was just flopping around uselessly. So I pushed his truck to a strip mall lot further down.

/csb
2013-02-14 04:38:55 PM
1 votes:

taurusowner: It's a wallet, not anal beads.


Can't speak for anyone else, but I keep my butt-beads in my wallet.
2013-02-14 04:37:13 PM
1 votes:

psychicdeath99: ds394: psychicdeath99: About a year ago, my wallet fell out of my pocket as I got out of my car. About an hour later a little old lady from an apartment downstairs knocked on my door and gave me the wallet.

I looked through it and saw that the little bit of money, but more importantly my driver's license, credit cards, etc. were still there. I thanked her and commented that I was happy nothing was taken, and then had to reassure the little old lady that I wasn't accusing her of anything. My thought was that someone else could have seen it first, emptied it, and then tossed it back down for her to find.

Soo... you kind of come across as a bit of a douche, don't cha?

The point being, the first thing you say is "Thank you so much!" before you start checking for your goodies.

/I'm assuming you didn't say "thank you" right away because that's the way you told your CSB.

I am capable of saying thank you and looking through a wallet at the same time.  I didn't even know I had dropped my wallet, so I had to look through it to see if it was in fact mine.


Man, whatever happened to psyichdeath98?
That guy was way nicer.
2013-02-14 04:36:53 PM
1 votes:

blatz514: Here is my wallet CSB.

Stopped at a Subway during a long car trip.  Went to use the bathroom and do my business.  There was a fat wallet sitting on top of the toilet paper dispenser.  I ask you Fark community, how many of you take out your wallet to take a dump?

/CSB


progressforge.com
2013-02-14 04:33:05 PM
1 votes:

Theaetetus: What he doesn't mention is that the envelope originally had $2000.


HAS ANYONE MENTIONED THAT THERE WAS $3000 IN THE ENVELOPE YET?!
2013-02-14 04:33:01 PM
1 votes:

blatz514: Here is my wallet CSB.

Stopped at a Subway during a long car trip.  Went to use the bathroom and do my business.  There was a fat wallet sitting on top of the toilet paper dispenser.  I ask you Fark community, how many of you take out your wallet to take a dump?

/CSB


*Raises Hand*

It will depend on if my phone has signal in there, though. If it does, I'll read the news, or browse a site in my favorites. If my phone doesn't have a signal (or it's about to lose battery), I'll use the time to clean out my wallet of old receipts I don't need, business cards that I collect & don't use, old store "rewards cards" with barcodes that I'll transfer to my phone reward card app, etc.. basically just housecleaning. If I'm sitting there, I might as well be productive. :)
2013-02-14 04:30:29 PM
1 votes:

WhoopAssWayne: "Just because [somebody's got] a beard and tattoos and [they're] dirty doesn't mean they're bad people."

Sorry dude, but 99% of people are going to get the wrong impression if that's how you present yourself. You can complain of the unfairness, but that snap judgement of your character based on your appearance is going to happen no matter what, so just consider that you may be doing yourself a disservice.


So what's a black dude supposed to do? Get the Michael Jackson makeover?
2013-02-14 04:27:33 PM
1 votes:

majestic: I walked in the grocery store the other day and their was a shopping cart with a purse sitting in the basket. I felt like I was on some kind of undercover "what would you do?" type show. I wheeled the whole cart over to the nearest cashier and let her deal with it.  No way I was touching that purse.


So you scared the crap out of some lady who walked away from her cart for a second?
2013-02-14 04:26:48 PM
1 votes:
We stopped at a gas station to get the kids some snacks half-way through a 700 mile trip to Myrtle Beach S.C.  There was a $100 bill on the ground when I stepped out.  I pocketed it.  We waited for 30 minutes to see if anyone came back looking around then continued on our trip.  When we arrived and I told my in-laws you'd swear I grew horns.  I was supposed to:

#1 Go to the attendant and ask if anyone lost a $100 dollar bill.
#2 If the attendant didn't say something like "Yeah.. that was me" I was supposed to make sure I drop it off at my in-law's church.

Any other response meant that their suspicions were confirmed that I was an evil person and that their grandchildren were indeed being "Raised in a heathen home".
2013-02-14 04:20:03 PM
1 votes:

borg: tricycleracer: When I was changing tires in college a customer accused me of stealing a bag of weed from his glove box.

My manager offered to call the police for him so he could report the theft.

Well did you steal it? or was it one of your co-workers?


And here is one of the unsung problems of weed prohibition. People can steal your stash, and you have no recourse! Not cool.
2013-02-14 04:19:05 PM
1 votes:

tricycleracer: When I was changing tires in college a customer accused me of stealing a bag of weed from his glove box.

My manager offered to call the police for him so he could report the theft.


Well did you steal it? or was it one of your co-workers?
2013-02-14 04:15:56 PM
1 votes:

Diogenes: I'm thinking high class hooker for Valentine's Day.


I like how you think.
2013-02-14 04:13:54 PM
1 votes:
You know who else had ugly facial hair...
2013-02-14 04:10:11 PM
1 votes:
So, did we ever get an answer on whether it was all there?
2013-02-14 04:08:29 PM
1 votes:
I'm glad douche-beard got a swag-bag for his efforts.
2013-02-14 04:03:49 PM
1 votes:
Yah well one time one of those dirty greeeesy dirt monkeees HUURRRRDERP...
 
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