If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(Illinois State Journal-Register)   Fark Ready Headline: Southern Illinois family's syrup making mistaken for meth lab   (sj-r.com) divider line 19
    More: Amusing, Southern Illinois, Union County, Illinois  
•       •       •

7965 clicks; posted to Main » on 14 Feb 2013 at 2:34 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


Archived thread
2013-02-14 03:06:02 PM
10 votes:
I lived in rural Southern Illinois for three years after coming home from Iraq.  The house was nothing more than a dirt road shack.  It had a tar paper roof and mice under the floorboards.  When a storm kicked up, I thought the entire thing would blow over, but it survived.  Nobody bothered me out there.  It was a good place to hide and forget things for a while.

If I ever thought my living conditions were poor, all I had to do was look up the road.  The family lived in a shack barely bigger than mine.  There had to be a dozen filthy, rotten tooth, meth addled hill people crawling in and around that place at any given time.  They were all concentration camp skinny, with these big crooked teeth, sunken eyes, sores all over their necks and faces.  Every once in a while, I'd be sitting in my shack, turn around, and find one of their horrible little mongrel children staring at me through my window.  I'd be so startled, it'd take my breath away.

The oddest thing was that every few mornings, the entire clan would assemble in the front wasteland.  They had a van on blocks out there.  It wasn't going anywhere, but it had a radio.  The only cassette they had was a single of Motley Crue's Dr. Feelgood.  They'd blare that song and all sort of dance-mosh-holler-throw-themselves-about.  It'd play on repeat and they'd whip themselves into a dervish.  Then, all of a sudden, the music would cut off and they would all run, crashing into one another, into the house and shut the door.  I wouldn't see or hear them for the rest of the day.

I felt sorry for them all.  They were sort of like retarded worker bees with no wings and nothing to do.  Even if given an opportunity, I'm not sure what any of them would've contributed to a society.  Sort of like speed bumps on a road in an underwater town.

Then one evening, one of their little gals saw me in my front yard, trying to scratch a garden out of the hardpan.  She ran up with a flower in her hand and gave it to me, smiling that terrifying toothy smile they all had.  Her eyes kind of blinked and then she ran off back to their shack.  The flower was wilted, half dead.  The little girl had left her injury upon it.

I couldn't take it anymore.  So, like we did to the uncooperative Iraqis, I sneaked over there in the middle of the night with a gas can.  I spread it around their shake wood place.  I hoped I was doing the right thing.  Right or wrong, I set the match and the whole place went up.  The little gal was the only one who tried to escape, but I ran up to the flames and whacked her with the shovel.  She fell back inside and burned up with the rest.  The whole thing didn't take more than ten minutes.

The next morning, staring at the black smudge on the brown dirt lot, I felt better.  Maybe some of those flowers could grow up now.
2013-02-14 02:55:01 PM
4 votes:
I imagine it went down something like this:

Sheriff: "Someone called in a methlab at the Benson's sugar shack. We'll pick up some syrup and get some 'cakes afterwards. Who wants a ride?"

Chorus of deputies: "Me, me, me!"
2013-02-14 02:42:45 PM
4 votes:
www.mountvernonnews.com
What a meth lab may look like.
2013-02-14 02:35:44 PM
4 votes:
What a Sap!
2013-02-14 01:20:52 PM
3 votes:
When investigators pointed to buckets near some trees, 49-year-old Benson says she quickly explained the containers were collecting sap for the family's production of syrup.

Ah, the old bucket-by-the-tree method of manufacturing meth.
2013-02-14 02:46:05 PM
2 votes:
I am the one who taps.
2013-02-14 02:39:29 PM
2 votes:
The law enforcers quickly moved on, taking with them some homemade syrup the Bensons gave them.

What kind of cops do you have up there in Illinois?  Shouldn't they have held the family at gunpoint?  Or at least shot the family dog.
2013-02-14 09:09:53 PM
1 votes:

WordyGrrl: globalwarmingpraiser: As someone who works in EMS in Southern Illinois, meth is a serious problem here.  Shake and bakes are blowing up constantly. There have been at least 10 that I know of. One place I regularly respond is obviously a meth manufacturing operation and the PD knows and does nothing about it.

My family still lives in Centralia, and now the the factories are all gone, meth manufacturing and sales seem to be turning into a big portion of the underground economy. The local paper had a big story recently that let everyone know the city police force was cut in half, so the freelance chemists making (and baking) merry over that. Meanwhile, what's left of the police force can't handle the problem, so apparently they just let the state/federal agencies handle it.


Yeah, the whole town of Centralia is just a smouldering pile of rubble at this point. It's like some post-apocalyptic nightmare. Poisonous smoke billows out of great holes in the ground. What little road there is left is split and collapsing. Nothing will ever grow there.

What, you didn't mean that Centralia?
2013-02-14 06:49:34 PM
1 votes:

djh0101010: WinoRhino: CSB: I do a lot of brewing. In the middle of a batch I ordered a pizza. The kid comes to deliver it and when I open the door he sees right into my kitchen where I have ziplock bags filled with hops stacked up on the counter, glass jars of white powder (water additions), coiled copper tubing (chiller mechanism) and pots boiling on the stove. I see the look on his face and I start to tell him I'm only brewing beer. I only get out the words "Oh, it's just..." before he interrupts and says "Tip big and I didn't see anything."

Wow. That'd be a "No tip for you" and a complaint call to the manager, I think.


You should have smiled, told him to keep his voice down, and given him a bag of hops to smoke.
2013-02-14 05:46:26 PM
1 votes:
CSB: I do a lot of brewing. In the middle of a batch I ordered a pizza. The kid comes to deliver it and when I open the door he sees right into my kitchen where I have ziplock bags filled with hops stacked up on the counter, glass jars of white powder (water additions), coiled copper tubing (chiller mechanism) and pots boiling on the stove. I see the look on his face and I start to tell him I'm only brewing beer. I only get out the words "Oh, it's just..." before he interrupts and says "Tip big and I didn't see anything."
2013-02-14 04:50:07 PM
1 votes:

GalFriday: globalwarmingpraiser: GalFriday: globalwarmingpraiser:

GalFriday: globalwarmingpraiser: As someone who works in EMS in Southern Illinois, meth is a serious problem here.  Shake and bakes are blowing up constantly. There have been at least 10 that I know of. One place I regularly respond is obviously a meth manufacturing operation and the PD knows and does nothing about it.

But you are from Metropolis.
1.  Superman lives there so send him to clean out the meth labs.
2.  Metropolis barely qualifies as Southern Illinois.

That is all

Ahh but I lived in Harrisburg from the time I was 13 till I was 25. I also still work as a Medic in Saline County. Mackies Pizza sucks and Toms Pizza which was where Poor Boy's Biker Bar is now was infinitely superior.

I am familiar with Harrisburg, too.  I am sorry that you had to live there.
Actually, I have family from Harrisburg.  Who am I trying to kid, I am from Southern Illinois, I am related to everyone in 12 counties.  I am probably related to you.  That is how it works there.


We probably hooked up listening to the Outlaw Hours on 93.3 out of Paducah Ky lol.
2013-02-14 03:17:37 PM
1 votes:

St_Francis_P: Illinois needs to make a law that limits how many buckets you can buy in one month, and make people show their driver's license and sign when they buy a bucket.


You're going to upset all the Illinois walruses.
2013-02-14 03:09:46 PM
1 votes:

Josu: [www.mountvernonnews.com image 700x500]
What a meth lab may look like.


I'd tap that.
2013-02-14 02:59:42 PM
1 votes:
The law enforcers quickly moved on, taking with them some homemade syrup the Bensons gave them.

And here I would have assumed you needed to bribe cops with homemade donuts to make them look the other way.
2013-02-14 02:51:54 PM
1 votes:
SAPPY TAG
RTX
2013-02-14 02:51:26 PM
1 votes:
This is the most Southern Illinois article ever.
2013-02-14 02:49:10 PM
1 votes:
When investigators pointed to buckets near some trees, 49-year-old Benson says she quickly explained the containers were collecting sap for the family's production of syrup.

"Buckets near some trees" is the only pretext a judge needs to unleash the hounds, apparently.
2013-02-14 02:40:14 PM
1 votes:
i1151.photobucket.com
I couldn't find any maple trees so I tapped walnut ones instead. Is that okay, Mr. White?

That would explain all the vomiting at the pancake house this morning.
ZAZ [TotalFark]
2013-02-14 12:14:31 PM
1 votes:
She's extending an open invitation to those locals to come by for pancakes.

Pancakes with cyanide syrup.
 
Displayed 19 of 19 comments

View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


This thread is archived, and closed to new comments.

Continue Farking
Submit a Link »






Report