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(Illinois State Journal-Register)   Fark Ready Headline: Southern Illinois family's syrup making mistaken for meth lab   ( divider line
    More: Amusing, Southern Illinois, Union County, Illinois  
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7993 clicks; posted to Main » on 14 Feb 2013 at 2:34 PM (4 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

Voting Results (Smartest)
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2013-02-14 01:28:13 PM  
5 votes:
I'm just happy this ended without the cops shooting their dogs, tazering the entire family, and confiscating their maple syrup equipment because it was "dual use" and they needed further lab tests to prove it wasn't used to make meth (and just so happens to get auctioned off to make money for the PD rather than being returned).
2013-02-14 03:06:02 PM  
3 votes:
I lived in rural Southern Illinois for three years after coming home from Iraq.  The house was nothing more than a dirt road shack.  It had a tar paper roof and mice under the floorboards.  When a storm kicked up, I thought the entire thing would blow over, but it survived.  Nobody bothered me out there.  It was a good place to hide and forget things for a while.

If I ever thought my living conditions were poor, all I had to do was look up the road.  The family lived in a shack barely bigger than mine.  There had to be a dozen filthy, rotten tooth, meth addled hill people crawling in and around that place at any given time.  They were all concentration camp skinny, with these big crooked teeth, sunken eyes, sores all over their necks and faces.  Every once in a while, I'd be sitting in my shack, turn around, and find one of their horrible little mongrel children staring at me through my window.  I'd be so startled, it'd take my breath away.

The oddest thing was that every few mornings, the entire clan would assemble in the front wasteland.  They had a van on blocks out there.  It wasn't going anywhere, but it had a radio.  The only cassette they had was a single of Motley Crue's Dr. Feelgood.  They'd blare that song and all sort of dance-mosh-holler-throw-themselves-about.  It'd play on repeat and they'd whip themselves into a dervish.  Then, all of a sudden, the music would cut off and they would all run, crashing into one another, into the house and shut the door.  I wouldn't see or hear them for the rest of the day.

I felt sorry for them all.  They were sort of like retarded worker bees with no wings and nothing to do.  Even if given an opportunity, I'm not sure what any of them would've contributed to a society.  Sort of like speed bumps on a road in an underwater town.

Then one evening, one of their little gals saw me in my front yard, trying to scratch a garden out of the hardpan.  She ran up with a flower in her hand and gave it to me, smiling that terrifying toothy smile they all had.  Her eyes kind of blinked and then she ran off back to their shack.  The flower was wilted, half dead.  The little girl had left her injury upon it.

I couldn't take it anymore.  So, like we did to the uncooperative Iraqis, I sneaked over there in the middle of the night with a gas can.  I spread it around their shake wood place.  I hoped I was doing the right thing.  Right or wrong, I set the match and the whole place went up.  The little gal was the only one who tried to escape, but I ran up to the flames and whacked her with the shovel.  She fell back inside and burned up with the rest.  The whole thing didn't take more than ten minutes.

The next morning, staring at the black smudge on the brown dirt lot, I felt better.  Maybe some of those flowers could grow up now.
2013-02-14 02:55:01 PM  
2 votes:
I imagine it went down something like this:

Sheriff: "Someone called in a methlab at the Benson's sugar shack. We'll pick up some syrup and get some 'cakes afterwards. Who wants a ride?"

Chorus of deputies: "Me, me, me!"
2013-02-14 02:36:39 PM  
2 votes:
They didn't shoot the familys dog? Must have been white people.
2013-02-14 06:49:34 PM  
1 vote:

djh0101010: WinoRhino: CSB: I do a lot of brewing. In the middle of a batch I ordered a pizza. The kid comes to deliver it and when I open the door he sees right into my kitchen where I have ziplock bags filled with hops stacked up on the counter, glass jars of white powder (water additions), coiled copper tubing (chiller mechanism) and pots boiling on the stove. I see the look on his face and I start to tell him I'm only brewing beer. I only get out the words "Oh, it's just..." before he interrupts and says "Tip big and I didn't see anything."

Wow. That'd be a "No tip for you" and a complaint call to the manager, I think.

You should have smiled, told him to keep his voice down, and given him a bag of hops to smoke.
2013-02-14 03:01:00 PM  
1 vote:

Clock Spider Jerusalem: How farking stupid do you have to be to confuse the two?

Just smart enough to be a cop
2013-02-14 02:47:55 PM  
1 vote:

Josu: [ image 700x500]
What a meth lab may look like.

That tree looks it has two penises (penisi?) trying to escape from it.
2013-02-14 02:42:12 PM  
1 vote:
2013-02-14 02:41:10 PM  
1 vote:

St_Francis_P: When investigators pointed to buckets near some trees, 49-year-old Benson says she quickly explained the containers were collecting sap for the family's production of syrup.

Ah, the old bucket-by-the-tree method of manufacturing meth.

I'm pretty sure that I'd be too busy laughing at the investigators to explain the ins and outs of maple syrup production.  Also, the investigators would NOT be leaving with free syrup.

\makes homemade maple syrup
\\happy that my neighbors aren't retarded Chicken Littles
2013-02-14 02:39:55 PM  
1 vote:
FTFA sweet after investigators swarmed their property

Five minutes of an investigators time would of verified the report was valid or not.  Sending an entire fark'n squad was completely unnecessary.

/at least no one shot the family's dog this time around
2013-02-14 02:39:29 PM  
1 vote:
The law enforcers quickly moved on, taking with them some homemade syrup the Bensons gave them.

What kind of cops do you have up there in Illinois?  Shouldn't they have held the family at gunpoint?  Or at least shot the family dog.
2013-02-14 02:35:21 PM  
1 vote:
How farking stupid do you have to be to confuse the two?
2013-02-14 01:20:52 PM  
1 vote:
When investigators pointed to buckets near some trees, 49-year-old Benson says she quickly explained the containers were collecting sap for the family's production of syrup.

Ah, the old bucket-by-the-tree method of manufacturing meth.
ZAZ [TotalFark]
2013-02-14 12:14:31 PM  
1 vote:
She's extending an open invitation to those locals to come by for pancakes.

Pancakes with cyanide syrup.
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