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(Newser)   What do you do with an ex-pope? If you happen to know, call Rome, because the Church isn't sure yet   (newser.com) divider line 90
    More: Interesting, pope, Thomas Reese  
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8251 clicks; posted to Main » on 14 Feb 2013 at 12:49 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


Archived thread
2013-02-14 11:07:37 AM  
11 votes:
Walmart greeter?
2013-02-14 10:26:37 AM  
9 votes:
nominate him for beatification
nominate him for beatification
nominate him for beatification
er-lie in the morning

- or -

indict him on abetting child rape
indict him on abetting child rape
indict him on abetting child rape
er-lie in the morning
2013-02-14 11:12:15 AM  
8 votes:
Hire him back for more money as an independent consultant.
2013-02-14 01:29:03 PM  
7 votes:
bitsandpieces.us
2013-02-14 03:44:07 PM  
6 votes:
When everybody hates the new guy, bring Benedict back as "Pope Classic"
2013-02-14 01:38:58 PM  
6 votes:
i1171.photobucket.com
2013-02-14 12:54:00 PM  
6 votes:
What do you do with an ex-pope?

Depends
2013-02-14 12:52:19 PM  
6 votes:

unyon: Snarcoleptic_Hoosier: The thing that's interesting to me is what happens theologically. I get that the Papacy can do no wrong, spiritually. But, the system of succession involves one old guy dying and a new one taking his place.

If they elect a more liberal pope and Benedict disagrees with him on some point of faith, who is right? The current guy or the guy that did it first? If it's the current guy, then does that mean that stopping to be Pope means you magically stop being 100% right about Catholicism - like God has a switch that he flips the second the new guy puts on the big hat?

FTFA:  "These powers go with the office, so they will pass to the next pope,"

So it looks like it's the hat that grants infallibility.  Funny, I always thought it was God, but I guess he's less a part of the church hierarchy than I thought.

You learn something new about the Catholic church every day.


The hat is a receiver to hear the Voice of God.

Occasionly it would shout out "Slytherin!"
2013-02-14 01:18:05 PM  
5 votes:

DamnYankees: Who gives a shiat. Let him rent an apartment and watch TV.


That would be one heck of a great web show.

The Pope watching TV and commenting on it like Beavis & Butthead. Eleven minute episodes.

Holy Father
Starring Pope Benedict XVI

Papa:  Sin, sin, sin, sin, 125 channels and nothing on any of them but sin! Look at this shiat! Fox News--pure Protestant heresy. Mel Gibson--heresy! Sister Wendy. What kind of name is Wendy? Pure pap, the nattering old witcdh. And all these reality shows. How do they manage to make sin so boring? If we could do that we'd whip the human race into shape in a generation. Look at that fat American biotch! Such disgraceful gluttony! Where's an albino monk when you need one?

Sister Charity: Yes, Holy Father.

Papa: Such tripe. This show sucks. Change it.

Sister Charity: Yes, Holy Father (pushes button on remote, which is screwed to the arm of the Pope's chair)

Papa: Now this a Good Catholic could almost watch. Almost. Change it!

Sister Charity: Yes, Holy Father.

Papa: Who's this? A plump, smarmy fascist Jew nattering on about morality. If I wanted that, I'd watch Bill Maher. Change it! If there's one thing I can't stand it's an American neo-con. White-washed tombs, the lot of them.

Sister Charity: Yes, Holy Father.

Papa: Nature show. Full of God's glorious handiwork. If it wasn't spoiled by animals rutting like frat boys on Spring Break. Change it. No, wait. Change it back. I've seen one of those. It was when I was in the Hitler Youth. We did a lot of hiking. Nothing like hiking to keep the unseemly urges at bay. What do they call 'em? Birds. Yes, I've seen that bird before. It's a canary. Why the Hell it's seven feet tall and talking to a Mammoth I don't know. Change it.

Sister Charity: Yes, Holy Father.

***

Oh, well. It's not a great script but it would do for a pilot. It's just off the top of my head. Some re-writing and I could work in some good material.
2013-02-14 01:06:43 PM  
5 votes:
Freeze him in carbonite?

farm1.staticflickr.com
2013-02-14 11:27:50 AM  
5 votes:
Send him out to Pope to people in smaller towns and less attractive venues. They'll be excited to have that kind of star power, even if he's no longer in his prime.
2013-02-14 11:01:55 AM  
5 votes:
Send him back to seminary, see if he can work his way back up to pope.
2013-02-14 10:55:55 AM  
5 votes:
Let him live out his remaining days peacefully grazing on a field of young boys.
2013-02-14 12:59:05 PM  
4 votes:
Usually they stick them in an airtight glass box. I don't see why they couldn't do that again.
2013-02-14 12:06:07 PM  
4 votes:

naughtyrev: Send him out to Pope to people in smaller towns and less attractive venues. They'll be excited to have that kind of star power, even if he's no longer in his prime.


Like Gallagher's brother.
2013-02-14 10:32:19 AM  
4 votes:
Pickling would seem the best preservation idea

PopePickle
/on a stick
2013-02-14 03:22:58 PM  
3 votes:
Two popes, one conclave?
2013-02-14 02:55:43 PM  
3 votes:
Oh I can't wait to see what they write on his parking spot.
Pontificus Emeritus?
2013-02-14 01:09:36 PM  
3 votes:
CEO of NAMBLA.
2013-02-14 01:06:45 PM  
3 votes:
Strike him down so he will become more powerful than they can possibly imagine?
2013-02-14 01:00:49 PM  
3 votes:
I always figured they're sent to a happy ex-pope farm to enjoy endless summers of frolicking.
2013-02-14 12:54:52 PM  
3 votes:
In seven hundred years we'll all look back on this and laugh.
2013-02-14 11:45:20 AM  
3 votes:

MaudlinMutantMollusk: Cryogenically freeze him

/you know where this is going....


He could be the Grover Cleveland of popes.
2013-02-14 11:05:30 AM  
3 votes:
The new gossip colomnist for L'Observatoire Romano.
2013-02-14 11:02:10 AM  
3 votes:
Well, if Celestine V was any indication, then the thing you do with an ex-Pope is to have the successor pope imprison Benedict XVI in the Vatican until he dies.
2013-02-14 10:55:24 AM  
3 votes:
Ex-Pope

amadiere.com
2013-02-14 03:09:24 PM  
2 votes:

BooBoo23: Reality TV show producers have to be knocking down his door by now.


Have him retire to The Netherlands and do a show about what he does during retirement.

You can call it... ex-Benedict: The Holland Days
2013-02-14 02:03:59 PM  
2 votes:
Put him in the long boat till he's sober ?
2013-02-14 01:51:01 PM  
2 votes:

Gig103: Snarcoleptic_Hoosier: like God has a switch that he flips the second the new guy puts on the big hat?

Correct. God only talks to the Pope. If there is a disagreement between the two, it's because Ratzinger didn't properly interpret God, and so God is sending a correction to the new messenger.


So Popes don't get software updates, only hardware upgrades, is what you're saying.
2013-02-14 01:46:36 PM  
2 votes:

markie_farkie: Put him on a bar stool next to some fat guy, and let him spout off useless trivia all day long.


It's a little known fact that the last Pope to resign actually went on to invent the postal service...
2013-02-14 01:21:07 PM  
2 votes:

The Stealth Hippopotamus: If I was him I'd retire from the whole thing. Priesthood and all. Swipe some of the shinny stuff on the way out and spend the rest of my days whoring and drinking.


Lannister? Is that you?
2013-02-14 01:19:21 PM  
2 votes:
Hi Ho friends. This is Ralph Spoil at Spoil Sport Motors. The world's largest new used and used new car lot in the city of Emphysema. All of our cars are now blessed by his former holiness the ex-pope at no additional charge! Just imagine all the extra miles you'll get with a bona fide ex-pope blessing! Why, listen to his holiness himself!!

If'n I don't a-bless it, Ralph won't a-sell it!

So hop in your wife and head in any direction on the freeway of your choice, and we'll see you in a couple of hours, here at Ralph Spoilsport Motors, the World's Biggest, here in the City of Fine Music. Thanks for the insurrection, and now back to our morning concert of afternoon showtime favorites-the Magic Bowl movement from Symphony in C Minus by Johannn Amadeus Matetsky.
2013-02-14 01:17:16 PM  
2 votes:
cache.deadspin.com
2013-02-14 01:16:15 PM  
2 votes:
Turn him into potpourri
2013-02-14 01:13:15 PM  
2 votes:
This has all the makings of one hell of a geriatric buddy picture...
2013-02-14 01:05:44 PM  
2 votes:
Put him in a pizza.
2013-02-14 01:02:16 PM  
2 votes:
I'd knock him back down to priest (don't give him his Cardinalship back), and send him off to proselytize in Africa.

Or send him to Craggy Isle
2013-02-14 01:01:00 PM  
2 votes:
Hmmm... what do Romans do to holy men who have fallen out of favor?
2013-02-14 01:00:13 PM  
2 votes:
Have him start building the Death Star?
2013-02-14 12:57:02 PM  
2 votes:
Go the Judge Dredd route.  Give him a bible and a gun, and send him off into the wilderness.
2013-02-14 12:42:23 PM  
2 votes:

Snarcoleptic_Hoosier: The thing that's interesting to me is what happens theologically. I get that the Papacy can do no wrong, spiritually. But, the system of succession involves one old guy dying and a new one taking his place.

If they elect a more liberal pope and Benedict disagrees with him on some point of faith, who is right? The current guy or the guy that did it first? If it's the current guy, then does that mean that stopping to be Pope means you magically stop being 100% right about Catholicism - like God has a switch that he flips the second the new guy puts on the big hat?


FTFA:  "These powers go with the office, so they will pass to the next pope,"

So it looks like it's the hat that grants infallibility.  Funny, I always thought it was God, but I guess he's less a part of the church hierarchy than I thought.

You learn something new about the Catholic church every day.
2013-02-14 12:07:33 PM  
2 votes:
Put him on a bar stool next to some fat guy, and let him spout off useless trivia all day long.
2013-02-14 12:02:37 PM  
2 votes:

RexTalionis: Well, if Celestine V was any indication, then the thing you do with an ex-Pope is to have the successor pope imprison Benedict XVI in the Vatican until he dies.


static.flickr.com
And if Formosus is any indication, after being buried for a year his corpse should be exhumed and put on trial. After being found guilty, he should have several fingers used for consecration cut off and his corpse thrown into the Tiber.
2013-02-14 11:48:16 AM  
2 votes:
Display him at the zoo.
2013-02-14 11:22:14 AM  
2 votes:
Have him investigate Benghazi.
2013-02-14 11:08:04 AM  
2 votes:
Have him travel the world blessing shuffleboards.
2013-02-14 10:59:16 AM  
2 votes:

MaudlinMutantMollusk: Pickling would seem the best preservation idea

PopePickle
/on a stick


www.rootsimple.com
2013-02-15 12:24:29 AM  
1 votes:

Shostie: Ex-Pope

[amadiere.com image 468x333]


What do you do with an ex-pope?  Nail him to his perch, obviously.
2013-02-14 07:48:54 PM  
1 votes:
His previous job title was Prefect of the Sacred Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, in centuries past the job title was Grand Inquisitor. Perhaps not the best pope material.
2013-02-14 06:31:34 PM  
1 votes:
Is it because I'm at FARK?  Why did I read that as "What do you do with an X-Pole dancer?"
2013-02-14 05:55:36 PM  
1 votes:
What to call him:  "Quitter'
What vestments to wear:  the Fool's motlley
Where to live:  in a Popemobile DOWN BY THE RIVER
2013-02-14 04:51:05 PM  
1 votes:

jaylectricity: You keep him on hand to threaten the new pope with, the same way our capitalist masters keep an army of unemployed to keep you in line.


Or the NFL threatens cities with Los Angeles.
2013-02-14 04:24:53 PM  
1 votes:

BigNumber12: Paris1127: static.flickr.com
And if Formosus is any indication, after being buried for a year his corpse should be exhumed and put on trial. After being found guilty, he should have several fingers used for consecration cut off and his corpse thrown into the Tiber.


After reading the Wikipedia article on that:

What
the
fark?

From the sound of it, you were only describing his Boobieshumous trial.


I doubt it, the Pope's supposed to be celibate. Even after death. Especially after death.

/gotta love the filter sometimes
//Ben Franklin was the Boobiesmaster General of the United States
2013-02-14 03:41:33 PM  
1 votes:
Just spitballing outside the box here, but...
Sodomize him?

Like, a lot?
2013-02-14 03:33:32 PM  
1 votes:
Isn't there some testing he could do?
4.bp.blogspot.com

Put him in the control group, give him blue paint.

/Spinny blade wall!
2013-02-14 03:23:06 PM  
1 votes:

BarleyGnome: Send him to Elba Avignon.


FTFY.

/history geek
2013-02-14 03:06:06 PM  
1 votes:

MeanJean: I just hope that the new guy is more photogenic.

Seriously guys, this time try to go for "kindly old grandfather", not "Emperor Palpatine".


too obvious, eh?  yeah we'll try to tone it down a bit, even stupid people will eventually catch on :D
2013-02-14 03:01:11 PM  
1 votes:

chubby muppet: markie_farkie: Put him on a bar stool next to some fat guy, and let him spout off useless trivia all day long.

It's a little known fact that the last Pope to resign actually went on to invent the postal service...


I went and looked that up, you clever f|_|(|<
2013-02-14 03:00:49 PM  
1 votes:
t0.gstatic.com
2013-02-14 02:44:16 PM  
1 votes:
Vatican insiders today report what is an apparent "testing the water" move by the White House to suggest President Barack Obama as a possible replacement for retiring Pope Benedict XVI.

Father Guido Sarducci, unofficial Vatican spokesman, confirmed that a "highly placed person" in the administration had floated the idea of naming Obama the Vicar of Christ on Earth when Pope Benedict steps down at the end of the month.

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney was quick to state that any talk of the President leaving his current office to assume the duties of the supreme pontiff was irresponsible. "We are quite sure that the President would be able to fulfill the duties of both roles simultaneously," Carney reassured reporters.

He admitted that, like assuming the mantle of the presidency, becoming pope would entail a step down for the Lightbringer, but in his well-documented humility the President would be willing to do so to set the Church straight on a number of vital issues.

"Internally, the Church needs a thorough reorganization, starting with assigning union representation for each diocese, and also this staunch resistance to the human right of abortion on demand has obviously got to stop," Carney said.

Furthermore, Carney pointed out the additional advantages of having a Pope Hussein at the helm of the Church.

"Imagine the ecumenical possibilities in the Middle East," the Press Secretary suggested. "This could be the moment when the Earth begins to heal itself, when the waters start to recede in the relationship between Islam and Christianity."

Carney invited reporters to consider how a heartfelt apology to the Arab World for the Crusades could open up an entirely new era of interfaith cooperation. While this would of course "require all lands stolen from the Caliphate by Christendom be returned to the Dar-al-Islam," Carney reminded reporters that the Muslim call to prayer at sunset was one of the sweetest sounds on Earth and that he was sure the Spaniards would welcome back sharia law.

Carney closed the briefing with an emphasis on the historic opportunity this presented to the College of Cardinals. "Imagine, if you will, not only the first African-American pope, but indeed the first non-Catholic pope. I only hope the College of Cardinals can overcome their racism and religious bigotry to make the clear choice."
2013-02-14 02:41:19 PM  
1 votes:
Hand him a bible and a survival pack.  His mission is to bring the Word of God to the nonbelievers of the Waste Lands.
2013-02-14 02:34:06 PM  
1 votes:
I just hope that the new guy is more photogenic.

Seriously guys, this time try to go for "kindly old grandfather", not "Emperor Palpatine".
2013-02-14 02:22:04 PM  
1 votes:

FatherChaos: [cache0.bigcartel.com image 344x214]
No matter how insignificant it may be, it'll get attention.  Use that, AP.


The pope has nipples, Greg - can you milk him?
2013-02-14 02:01:57 PM  
1 votes:
TWO MEN ENTER; ONE POPE LEAVES!!!!!
2013-02-14 01:58:14 PM  
1 votes:
Kill it, cook it, eat it.
2013-02-14 01:57:13 PM  
1 votes:
unlikely:He should write a book about kiddie diddling. It should be called "If I Diddled It"
2013-02-14 01:49:23 PM  
1 votes:

Snarcoleptic_Hoosier: like God has a switch that he flips the second the new guy puts on the big hat?


Correct. God only talks to the Pope. If there is a disagreement between the two, it's because Ratzinger didn't properly interpret God, and so God is sending a correction to the new messenger.
2013-02-14 01:42:17 PM  
1 votes:
Also, pokemon trainer.
2013-02-14 01:42:08 PM  
1 votes:
How is this not the greatest Photoshop challenge of all time?
2013-02-14 01:40:50 PM  
1 votes:
Ex-Popes were usually sent to exile, or killed, because they usually rallied their own personal armies with them. I mean, kings in europe had to be concerned with the pope's freaking army.

... Wait...
2013-02-14 01:33:14 PM  
1 votes:
Send him to Summersisle
2013-02-14 01:30:42 PM  
1 votes:

Fizpez: He's a tired old man that just wants to spend his remaining days in quiet contemplation.  To suggest he will become a rival power is people looking to create drama and intrigue where there is none.  He alread HAS all the power stepping down to become "another center of power" is idiotic.


Sometimes it isn't about what the person wants but about how people behave around him. What if people kept coming to him for advise? Or ignored the new pope becauae the old pope would never have done X?

My advise would be this:

24.media.tumblr.com

/Just keep him away from musketeers
2013-02-14 01:28:33 PM  
1 votes:
Mail him back to Germany. Don't forget to cut air holes in the box.
2013-02-14 01:15:39 PM  
1 votes:

LowbrowDeluxe: I always figured they're sent to a happy ex-pope farm to enjoy endless summers of frolicking.


I don't know how to break this to you, but you've been lied to all these years. There is also no Santa.
2013-02-14 01:11:29 PM  
1 votes:
Who resigns from a job where you just wear dresses, travel around in an armored car and everyone thinks you're the word of God? That would be like Emperor Palpatine saying, "Eh, this ruling the galaxy is boring. Shut down the Death Star Project, I'm going to go be a moisture farmer on Tatooine."

Is it possible he got guiltily about all the child molestation coverup?
2013-02-14 01:09:18 PM  
1 votes:
He's a little stringy, but with the right cooking process he could finally feed the poor. At least a few of them.
2013-02-14 01:04:07 PM  
1 votes:

Gig103: I'd knock him back down to priest (don't give him his Cardinalship back), and send him off to proselytize in Africa.

Or send him to Craggy Isle


That's a litle harsh, I mean that money was only resting in his account.
2013-02-14 01:00:00 PM  
1 votes:
Protocol School of Washington's answer
2013-02-14 12:56:33 PM  
1 votes:
Why do I get an image of Bing Crosby singing "What Do You Do With a General?" from White Christmas?
2013-02-14 12:55:37 PM  
1 votes:
Put him in a lifeboat? Make him bail her?

No wait, that's what you do with a drunken sailor.

Never mind.
2013-02-14 12:55:22 PM  
1 votes:
Put him to work digging holes with that awesome fence-post-digging Pope Hat he always wears.
You know . . . turn him upside down and work those little Pope legs . . .
2013-02-14 12:55:16 PM  
1 votes:
Well, the queen mum lasted for years on a measly five bottles of gin per day.
2013-02-14 12:53:53 PM  
1 votes:
You could bop him on the head with that little silver hammer they use to bonk dead popes to make sure they're dead.

MBooda: nominate him for beatification


Exactly. Beatify him with a hammer to the noggin.
2013-02-14 12:52:05 PM  
1 votes:
Maybe he can tour with the Cavalcade Of Customs, signing autographs by the General Lee
2013-02-14 12:39:00 PM  
1 votes:

The Stealth Hippopotamus: If I was him I'd retire from the whole thing. Priesthood and all. Swipe some of the shinny stuff on the way out and spend the rest of my days whoring and drinking.


He should write a book about kiddie diddling. It should be called "If I Did It"
2013-02-14 12:24:15 PM  
1 votes:
You keep him on hand to threaten the new pope with, the same way our capitalist masters keep an army of unemployed to keep you in line.
2013-02-14 11:35:35 AM  
1 votes:
What's the Italian word for "Boca Raton, Florida"?

/Actually, it's probably "Boca Raton, Florida".
2013-02-14 11:29:39 AM  
1 votes:
Where ever they put him we've heard the last from him.
2013-02-14 11:11:55 AM  
1 votes:
Reality TV show producers have to be knocking down his door by now.
2013-02-14 11:01:12 AM  
1 votes:
Who gives a shiat. Let him rent an apartment and watch TV.
 
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