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(Rock 103)   Show that woman that's not your wife how much you care today. Feb. 13th is Mistress Day   (rock103.com) divider line 55
    More: Dumbass, Valentine's Day, private investigators  
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6943 clicks; posted to Main » on 13 Feb 2013 at 2:01 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


Archived thread
2013-02-13 12:37:40 PM
6 votes:
Don't I do enough for her already? What is she, my freaking wife???
2013-02-13 02:33:59 PM
4 votes:

Evil Mackerel: Do hookers count?


I'm pretty sure most of them can count, considering the job requires that they handle money.
2013-02-13 02:23:22 PM
4 votes:
"Well," said the computer programmer, "Ideally, you should have both a wife, *and* a mistress.  And they should know about each other.  That way, you can tell your wife you're with your mistress, and you can tell your mistress you're with your wife, and meanwhile, you can go in to the office and get some code written."

/I swear that's why half the geeks I know are poly
2013-02-13 01:30:29 PM
4 votes:

kimwim: She had to show me.


You knew her?

What's the etiquette here?  Do you have to buy your husband's mistress a gift, too?
2013-02-13 02:15:22 PM
3 votes:

The One True TheDavid: This Feb. 16th will be the 30 anniversary of my ex-wife's desertion. At the time I was bummed out, but after a year I realized she did me a favor: the next one after her was 6 years younger, i.e. 18.

Eventually I learned good blowjobs ain't worth that much pain & suffering. Really, it's better to pay cash.


I'm not sure that counting the years and using words like "desertion" are signs that you've accepted what happened. Also see: remembering head from 30 years ago.
2013-02-13 02:09:35 PM
3 votes:
Note to myself: don't buy the same stuff for the wife and the mistress, ever.
2013-02-13 01:25:03 PM
3 votes:

kimwim: My ex did that. Bought her the same heart shaped box of chocolates he got me. That's how I found out. She had to show me. They're married now. Ask me if they're happy.


Are they happy?
2013-02-13 04:02:25 PM
2 votes:

ModernPrimitive01: Has anyone here actually had a mistress (or been a mistress if you're a farkette)? I question whether most farkers can get one lady, let alone 2. Still I'm nosy and want to hear how it turned out


I had a one night stand that ended my first marriage.

I kinda did it wrong though because we ended up married, then divorced.
2013-02-13 03:25:29 PM
2 votes:

Girion47: damn lack of gender indicators on Fark.


Yeah. Well, I thought the absence of a counter and a link to an Amazon wish list gave that away.
2013-02-13 03:24:12 PM
2 votes:
this just popped in my head, but secretaries get two days of appreciation?
2013-02-13 03:17:24 PM
2 votes:

Girion47: I thought you were offering.


Ohhhhhh. Oh.

Well, let me dress up as Buffalo Bill first.
2013-02-13 02:45:11 PM
2 votes:

ha-ha-guy: geekbikerskum: "Well," said the computer programmer, "Ideally, you should have both a wife, *and* a mistress.  And they should know about each other.  That way, you can tell your wife you're with your mistress, and you can tell your mistress you're with your wife, and meanwhile, you can go in to the office and get some code written."

/I swear that's why half the geeks I know are poly

Or you can be an auto engineer and have your wife complain how you are out in the garage with your "other women".

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero" The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
2013-02-13 02:28:07 PM
2 votes:

IamAwake: The One True TheDavid:

Eventually I learned good blowjobs ain't worth that much pain & suffering. Really, it's better to pay cash.

which hey, if your reason for getting married was to get blowjobs, then sure.  Some of us consider women, and companionship in general, to be worth more than just life support systems for lips and vaginas.  Silly us.


Of course that wasn't my only reason: I was deeply in love. And 19-20. And wanted so much to be a "normal" person. Why I picked her for that is beyond me: I must have been mentally ill.

Everybody has to be good at something: for Becky Lynn it was making out in cars and giving enthusiastic head.

She had a few other skills but I valued those less. I'm glad she left before I stabbed her. You know how some crazy people bring out the psycho in others? Uh-huh.
2013-02-13 02:25:50 PM
2 votes:

Good Behavior Day: I've always wanted two women.  One to cook and one to clean.

/ba-dum-tish


I hear digging but I don't hear chopping.
2013-02-13 02:17:26 PM
2 votes:
Get your mistress something from Jared. The Subway sandwich guy.
2013-02-13 02:14:06 PM
2 votes:

Smeggy Smurf: Skyd1v: I barely have enough time keeping one woman's likes, dislikes, birthday, name, and food allergies straight.  I'm supposed to take on a second one as well?

I don't *think* so...

My sister-in-law is about to be widowed.  As soon as she moves to this city it's going to be like having two wives but without the doubled up sexy time.  I'm going to throw a pity party next year if I'm still alive


Solution to your problems.

http://news.yahoo.com/sister-open-marriage-takes-sharing-too-far-050 02 1131.html
2013-02-13 12:44:51 PM
2 votes:
My ex did that. Bought her the same heart shaped box of chocolates he got me. That's how I found out. She had to show me. They're married now. Ask me if they're happy.
2013-02-14 09:44:10 AM
1 votes:

Fano: Gothnet: What's a male mistress called?

And can we have our day on the 15th? That's when I'm seeing my soon to be married woman.

cavalier was one term

A priest's mistress is a parnel


i47.tinypic.com

You don't say...
2013-02-13 08:42:24 PM
1 votes:

KiwDaWabbit: I will never understand how someone can claim to love somebody and cheat.


I will never understand how someone can claim to love somebody and nag incessantly.
2013-02-13 07:03:47 PM
1 votes:
This thread feels like a scene from "The Breakfast Club."
2013-02-13 05:24:47 PM
1 votes:
Actually, it was last night for me. I took the mistress to a $200 dinner (including tip) then f***** her brains out so long and so hard she couldn't walk straight this morning and had to call in. The wife's getting a colander.
2013-02-13 05:13:29 PM
1 votes:
LovingTeacher:

Just stay away from the crazy in AA, they can be hard to get rid of.

It's almost as if people in 12 step programs have a hard time quitting once they start doing something(one) they really like.
2013-02-13 04:20:40 PM
1 votes:

jst3p: This is how you spot a guy pretending to be a chick on the internet.


That, or an ugmo.

"Please pay attention to me, guys! PLEASE!!!!"
2013-02-13 04:17:32 PM
1 votes:

FizixJunkee: Lucidz: I never met a normal girl who just absolutely loved giving head.  I know that's weird, but hear me out.  I'm relatively normal, I think... I like doing the face plant on a girl, personally.  But I've NEVER known of a girl who excitedly verbalized her enjoyment of it, or said "I'm REALLY good at it", or "I JUST LOVE doing it" that turned out to be normal.

I have NO scientific evidence to back this up or even explain it, its just personal experience.  Interestingly enough, having a wife who has friends with such nick-names as "triple digits" (This refers to how many dudes she's blown in a parking lot to get free drinks) I've found that the girls that "love it" or "do it for drinks" etc, either hold no value in the act, or feel some very bizarre sense of control over the man while doing it.  It seems not at all related to the actual fact that they are pleasuring the man.

YMMV


I'm a chick who really enjoys giving head.  In my opinion, it's a lot of fun.  It's one of those skills that you continue to improve upon.  Once you've mastered the standard blowjob (i.e., the one that's guaranteed to make your guy cum) you move on to perfecting all the variations:

a.  quantity and quality of saliva
b.  zero, one, or two hands (don't forget to give some thought to your particular hand lotion...most women wear hand lotion, and a fair amount of lotion can taste nasty, which can be distracting when you're going down on someone)
c.  rhythm and pace (e.g., slow and steady, or slow at the start and picking up pace as you go on)
d.  relative body angles (e.g., if you're on the bed, you can approach his cock from the side or in between his legs---maximal view of the action from his POV---or you can hover over him 69-style
e.  where in the mouth to work his dick (e.g., more or less cheek or throat action)
f.   where to stroke his dick with your tongue (each guy is different in this regard)
g.  how much pressure to apply with your lips and tongue
h.  how much you want to "tease ...


This is how you spot a guy pretending to be a chick on the internet.
2013-02-13 03:17:48 PM
1 votes:
Has anyone here actually had a mistress (or been a mistress if you're a farkette)? I question whether most farkers can get one lady, let alone 2. Still I'm nosy and want to hear how it turned out
2013-02-13 03:10:48 PM
1 votes:

kimwim: It's sad what my kids had to go through.
I'm very happily remarried.


As far as you know.
2013-02-13 03:08:09 PM
1 votes:

WhippingBoy: Quit nagging me!!!


Touché.

Girion47: Your profile says BIE.


What's your point?

Are you offering or just being observant?
2013-02-13 03:00:57 PM
1 votes:

KiwDaWabbit: WhippingBoy: Remember - It takes two to cheat:

One to cheat
One to nag incessantly driving your partner into the arms of another woman

Blaming the victim is what weak people do. Take some personal responsibility once in a while, y'know?


Quit nagging me!!!
2013-02-13 02:54:19 PM
1 votes:
Remember - It takes two to cheat:

One to cheat
One to nag incessantly driving your partner into the arms of another woman
2013-02-13 02:35:26 PM
1 votes:

IamAwake: The One True TheDavid: Eventually I learned good blowjobs ain't worth that much pain & suffering. Really, it's better to pay cash.

which hey, if your reason for getting married was to get blowjobs, then sure.  Some of us consider women, and companionship in general, to be worth more than just life support systems for lips and vaginas.  Silly us.


Absolutely.  One mustn't forget the sandwich making and diaper changing skills they bring to the table.
2013-02-13 02:34:56 PM
1 votes:

Lucidz: I'm an out of work mid thirties recovering alcoholic.

How you doing?

2013-02-13 02:33:43 PM
1 votes:
I never met a normal girl who just absolutely loved giving head.  I know that's weird, but hear me out.  I'm relatively normal, I think... I like doing the face plant on a girl, personally.  But I've NEVER known of a girl who excitedly verbalized her enjoyment of it, or said "I'm REALLY good at it", or "I JUST LOVE doing it" that turned out to be normal.

I have NO scientific evidence to back this up or even explain it, its just personal experience.  Interestingly enough, having a wife who has friends with such nick-names as "triple digits" (This refers to how many dudes she's blown in a parking lot to get free drinks) I've found that the girls that "love it" or "do it for drinks" etc, either hold no value in the act, or feel some very bizarre sense of control over the man while doing it.  It seems not at all related to the actual fact that they are pleasuring the man.

YMMV
2013-02-13 02:29:26 PM
1 votes:

tricycleracer: My girlfriend works tomorrow night so we're going out tonight.  Am I going to look like a stone-cold pimp to the waitstaff?


If your girlfriend has a sense of humor, get a fake wedding band.  Act dismayed when you notice you are wearing it and attempt (but fail) to discretely remove it during the meal.
2013-02-13 02:27:19 PM
1 votes:
My girlfriend works tomorrow night so we're going out tonight.  Am I going to look like a stone-cold pimp to the waitstaff?
2013-02-13 02:24:21 PM
1 votes:
images.zap2it.com

/...may they never meet.
//hot, Hot, HOT!
2013-02-13 02:24:18 PM
1 votes:

kimwim: TNel: How did you find out? Did he have her name on the box he gave to you?

She thought if she showed me I'd immediately leave, move out, and give her the gift of him. It didn't quite work out that way. Not quite.


You don't sound at all clingy or unstable.  Or bitter.  I can't imagine why he cheated.
2013-02-13 02:20:42 PM
1 votes:
A toast to your wives and lovers! May they never meet!

Hee, hee, hee! Old jokes are the best jokes.
2013-02-13 02:19:43 PM
1 votes:
I'm an out of work mid thirties recovering alcoholic.  I can barely hold on to a wife, let alone get a mistress.
2013-02-13 02:18:55 PM
1 votes:

DROxINxTHExWIND: Actually, that's the 15th, Subby. You spend the 14th avoiding and not returning calls because you're with the wife. After making the wife feel special enough that she'll let you out of the house without giving you the side eye, you go see the mistress with a gift and a bullshiat story about having to bail your brother out of jail the night before.


Naw.  Just make sure your girlfriend knows you're married and that you'll be spending the day with your wife.

/also helps if your girlfriend is married
//so I hear...
2013-02-13 02:17:48 PM
1 votes:
If you're going to really man-up you have two wives.
2013-02-13 02:16:58 PM
1 votes:

IamAwake: The One True TheDavid: Eventually I learned good blowjobs ain't worth that much pain & suffering. Really, it's better to pay cash.

which hey, if your reason for getting married was to get blowjobs, then sure.


It is as good a reason as any other, since there are no good reasons.
2013-02-13 02:15:22 PM
1 votes:

Diogenes: kimwim: She had to show me.

You knew her?

What's the etiquette here?  Do you have to buy your husband's mistress a gift, too?


Literally, she was the milkmaid. No, I didn't get her a gift. I was surprised, and relieved I didn't get a "gift" from her.
2013-02-13 02:15:16 PM
1 votes:

kimwim: My ex did that. Bought her the same heart shaped box of chocolates he got me. That's how I found out. She had to show me. They're married now. Ask me if they're happy.


I'm trying hard to figure this out.  How did you find out?  Did he have her name on the box he gave to you?  Maybe I need some food but I can't figure it out.
2013-02-13 02:15:07 PM
1 votes:

Smeggy Smurf: As soon as she moves to this city it's going to be like having two wives but without the doubled up sexy time


I suspect it will change the frequency, however.  Which direction - is up to you.
2013-02-13 02:14:23 PM
1 votes:

IgG4: kimwim: My ex did that. Bought her the same heart shaped box of chocolates he got me. That's how I found out. She had to show me. They're married now. Ask me if they're happy.

Are they happy?


They are not happy. It's glorious. As my mother used to say, revenge is a dish best eaten cold.
2013-02-13 02:14:12 PM
1 votes:

The One True TheDavid: Eventually I learned good blowjobs ain't worth that much pain & suffering.


I thought those were supposed to go together, plus the dog chain.
2013-02-13 02:12:39 PM
1 votes:

Skyd1v: I barely have enough time keeping one woman's likes, dislikes, birthday, name, and food allergies straight.  I'm supposed to take on a second one as well?

I don't *think* so...


My sister-in-law is about to be widowed.  As soon as she moves to this city it's going to be like having two wives but without the doubled up sexy time.  I'm going to throw a pity party next year if I'm still alive
2013-02-13 02:11:51 PM
1 votes:
Actually, that's the 15th, Subby. You spend the 14th avoiding and not returning calls because you're with the wife. After making the wife feel special enough that she'll let you out of the house without giving you the side eye, you go see the mistress with a gift and a bullshiat story about having to bail your brother out of jail the night before.
2013-02-13 02:08:16 PM
1 votes:

Skyd1v: I barely have enough time keeping one woman's likes, dislikes, birthday, name, and food allergies straight.  I'm supposed to take on a second one as well?

I don't *think* so...


The second one is just to be a cash and carry operation.  You just have to be a sugar daddy, not that track all that shiat.
2013-02-13 02:07:14 PM
1 votes:
I barely have enough time keeping one woman's likes, dislikes, birthday, name, and food allergies straight.  I'm supposed to take on a second one as well?

I don't *think* so...
2013-02-13 02:07:00 PM
1 votes:

kimwim: My ex did that. Bought her the same heart shaped box of chocolates he got me. That's how I found out. She had to show me. They're married now. Ask me if they're happy.


I feel sorry for people that get the typical box of chocolates.  They suck ass.   seriously horrible flavors inside.
2013-02-13 02:06:02 PM
1 votes:
i1151.photobucket.com
A quick pork before I go back to the ol' ball & chain!
Say - are those implants?
2013-02-13 02:05:47 PM
1 votes:

IgG4: kimwim: My ex did that. Bought her the same heart shaped box of chocolates he got me. That's how I found out. She had to show me. They're married now. Ask me if they're happy.

Are they happy?


www.iconsoffright.com
2013-02-13 02:05:18 PM
1 votes:
No one who actually has a mistress will bother to comment here...they are too busy enjoying their mistress.
2013-02-13 11:24:11 AM
1 votes:
I had some Privates Investigator business cards printed up to go along with my Bikini Inspector beanie and disappearing ink squirt gun.

Sam Spud, Prop Detective
 
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