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(Rock 103)   Show that woman that's not your wife how much you care today. Feb. 13th is Mistress Day   (rock103.com) divider line 157
    More: Dumbass, Valentine's Day, private investigators  
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6943 clicks; posted to Main » on 13 Feb 2013 at 2:01 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-02-13 11:24:11 AM
I had some Privates Investigator business cards printed up to go along with my Bikini Inspector beanie and disappearing ink squirt gun.

Sam Spud, Prop Detective
 
2013-02-13 12:37:40 PM
Don't I do enough for her already? What is she, my freaking wife???
 
2013-02-13 12:44:51 PM
My ex did that. Bought her the same heart shaped box of chocolates he got me. That's how I found out. She had to show me. They're married now. Ask me if they're happy.
 
2013-02-13 01:25:03 PM

kimwim: My ex did that. Bought her the same heart shaped box of chocolates he got me. That's how I found out. She had to show me. They're married now. Ask me if they're happy.


Are they happy?
 
2013-02-13 01:30:29 PM

kimwim: She had to show me.


You knew her?

What's the etiquette here?  Do you have to buy your husband's mistress a gift, too?
 
2013-02-13 02:05:18 PM
No one who actually has a mistress will bother to comment here...they are too busy enjoying their mistress.
 
2013-02-13 02:05:47 PM

IgG4: kimwim: My ex did that. Bought her the same heart shaped box of chocolates he got me. That's how I found out. She had to show me. They're married now. Ask me if they're happy.

Are they happy?


www.iconsoffright.com
 
2013-02-13 02:06:02 PM
i1151.photobucket.com
A quick pork before I go back to the ol' ball & chain!
Say - are those implants?
 
2013-02-13 02:07:00 PM

kimwim: My ex did that. Bought her the same heart shaped box of chocolates he got me. That's how I found out. She had to show me. They're married now. Ask me if they're happy.


I feel sorry for people that get the typical box of chocolates.  They suck ass.   seriously horrible flavors inside.
 
2013-02-13 02:07:14 PM
I barely have enough time keeping one woman's likes, dislikes, birthday, name, and food allergies straight.  I'm supposed to take on a second one as well?

I don't *think* so...
 
2013-02-13 02:08:16 PM

Skyd1v: I barely have enough time keeping one woman's likes, dislikes, birthday, name, and food allergies straight.  I'm supposed to take on a second one as well?

I don't *think* so...


The second one is just to be a cash and carry operation.  You just have to be a sugar daddy, not that track all that shiat.
 
2013-02-13 02:08:57 PM
I've always wanted two women.  One to cook and one to clean.

/ba-dum-tish
 
2013-02-13 02:09:35 PM
Note to myself: don't buy the same stuff for the wife and the mistress, ever.
 
2013-02-13 02:09:51 PM
Do hookers count?
 
2013-02-13 02:09:52 PM
This Feb. 16th will be the 30 anniversary of my ex-wife's desertion. At the time I was bummed out, but after a year I realized she did me a favor: the next one after her was 6 years younger, i.e. 18.

Eventually I learned good blowjobs ain't worth that much pain & suffering. Really, it's better to pay cash.
 
2013-02-13 02:11:51 PM
Actually, that's the 15th, Subby. You spend the 14th avoiding and not returning calls because you're with the wife. After making the wife feel special enough that she'll let you out of the house without giving you the side eye, you go see the mistress with a gift and a bullshiat story about having to bail your brother out of jail the night before.
 
2013-02-13 02:11:55 PM
Any one notice the ad for Elton john and his piano at the bottom of the article.
 
2013-02-13 02:12:39 PM

Skyd1v: I barely have enough time keeping one woman's likes, dislikes, birthday, name, and food allergies straight.  I'm supposed to take on a second one as well?

I don't *think* so...


My sister-in-law is about to be widowed.  As soon as she moves to this city it's going to be like having two wives but without the doubled up sexy time.  I'm going to throw a pity party next year if I'm still alive
 
2013-02-13 02:13:59 PM

The One True TheDavid: Eventually I learned good blowjobs ain't worth that much pain & suffering. Really, it's better to pay cash.


which hey, if your reason for getting married was to get blowjobs, then sure.  Some of us consider women, and companionship in general, to be worth more than just life support systems for lips and vaginas.  Silly us.
 
2013-02-13 02:14:06 PM

Smeggy Smurf: Skyd1v: I barely have enough time keeping one woman's likes, dislikes, birthday, name, and food allergies straight.  I'm supposed to take on a second one as well?

I don't *think* so...

My sister-in-law is about to be widowed.  As soon as she moves to this city it's going to be like having two wives but without the doubled up sexy time.  I'm going to throw a pity party next year if I'm still alive


Solution to your problems.

http://news.yahoo.com/sister-open-marriage-takes-sharing-too-far-050 02 1131.html
 
2013-02-13 02:14:11 PM

kimwim: My ex did that. Bought her the same heart shaped box of chocolates he got me. That's how I found out. She had to show me. They're married now. Ask me if they're happy.


I wonder what the thought process was for her... all giddy with glee "I can't wait to show kimwim what I got! Yaaaaay!"  Seriously, you're better off without those two Mensa members in your life.


/dude can't even cheat right
 
2013-02-13 02:14:12 PM

The One True TheDavid: Eventually I learned good blowjobs ain't worth that much pain & suffering.


I thought those were supposed to go together, plus the dog chain.
 
2013-02-13 02:14:23 PM

IgG4: kimwim: My ex did that. Bought her the same heart shaped box of chocolates he got me. That's how I found out. She had to show me. They're married now. Ask me if they're happy.

Are they happy?


They are not happy. It's glorious. As my mother used to say, revenge is a dish best eaten cold.
 
2013-02-13 02:15:07 PM

Smeggy Smurf: As soon as she moves to this city it's going to be like having two wives but without the doubled up sexy time


I suspect it will change the frequency, however.  Which direction - is up to you.
 
2013-02-13 02:15:16 PM

kimwim: My ex did that. Bought her the same heart shaped box of chocolates he got me. That's how I found out. She had to show me. They're married now. Ask me if they're happy.


I'm trying hard to figure this out.  How did you find out?  Did he have her name on the box he gave to you?  Maybe I need some food but I can't figure it out.
 
2013-02-13 02:15:22 PM

Diogenes: kimwim: She had to show me.

You knew her?

What's the etiquette here?  Do you have to buy your husband's mistress a gift, too?


Literally, she was the milkmaid. No, I didn't get her a gift. I was surprised, and relieved I didn't get a "gift" from her.
 
2013-02-13 02:15:22 PM

The One True TheDavid: This Feb. 16th will be the 30 anniversary of my ex-wife's desertion. At the time I was bummed out, but after a year I realized she did me a favor: the next one after her was 6 years younger, i.e. 18.

Eventually I learned good blowjobs ain't worth that much pain & suffering. Really, it's better to pay cash.


I'm not sure that counting the years and using words like "desertion" are signs that you've accepted what happened. Also see: remembering head from 30 years ago.
 
2013-02-13 02:15:45 PM

Girion47: kimwim: My ex did that. Bought her the same heart shaped box of chocolates he got me. That's how I found out. She had to show me. They're married now. Ask me if they're happy.

I feel sorry for people that get the typical box of chocolates.  They suck ass.   seriously horrible flavors inside.


Dude! Show some sensitivity. Not all of the flavors inside are horrible.
 
2013-02-13 02:16:58 PM

IamAwake: The One True TheDavid: Eventually I learned good blowjobs ain't worth that much pain & suffering. Really, it's better to pay cash.

which hey, if your reason for getting married was to get blowjobs, then sure.


It is as good a reason as any other, since there are no good reasons.
 
2013-02-13 02:17:26 PM
Get your mistress something from Jared. The Subway sandwich guy.
 
2013-02-13 02:17:41 PM

TNel: How did you find out? Did he have her name on the box he gave to you?


She thought if she showed me I'd immediately leave, move out, and give her the gift of him. It didn't quite work out that way. Not quite.
 
2013-02-13 02:17:48 PM
If you're going to really man-up you have two wives.
 
2013-02-13 02:18:55 PM

DROxINxTHExWIND: Actually, that's the 15th, Subby. You spend the 14th avoiding and not returning calls because you're with the wife. After making the wife feel special enough that she'll let you out of the house without giving you the side eye, you go see the mistress with a gift and a bullshiat story about having to bail your brother out of jail the night before.


Naw.  Just make sure your girlfriend knows you're married and that you'll be spending the day with your wife.

/also helps if your girlfriend is married
//so I hear...
 
2013-02-13 02:19:43 PM
I'm an out of work mid thirties recovering alcoholic.  I can barely hold on to a wife, let alone get a mistress.
 
2013-02-13 02:19:53 PM

kimwim: My ex did that. Bought her the same heart shaped box of chocolates he got me. That's how I found out. She had to show me. They're married now. Ask me if they're happy.


Are they happy now?
 
2013-02-13 02:20:42 PM
A toast to your wives and lovers! May they never meet!

Hee, hee, hee! Old jokes are the best jokes.
 
2013-02-13 02:21:31 PM

Lucidz: I'm an out of work mid thirties recovering alcoholic. I can barely hold on to a wife, let alone get a mistress.


I think I found your problem.
 
2013-02-13 02:22:16 PM
farm3.staticflickr.com
new wave hairdos
 
2013-02-13 02:22:48 PM

kimwim: IgG4: kimwim: My ex did that. Bought her the same heart shaped box of chocolates he got me. That's how I found out. She had to show me. They're married now. Ask me if they're happy.

Are they happy?

They are not happy. It's glorious. As my mother used to say, revenge is a dish best eaten cold.


Love me some revenge cole slaw
 
2013-02-13 02:23:22 PM
"Well," said the computer programmer, "Ideally, you should have both a wife, *and* a mistress.  And they should know about each other.  That way, you can tell your wife you're with your mistress, and you can tell your mistress you're with your wife, and meanwhile, you can go in to the office and get some code written."

/I swear that's why half the geeks I know are poly
 
2013-02-13 02:24:06 PM

DROxINxTHExWIND: Lucidz: I'm an out of work mid thirties recovering alcoholic. I can barely hold on to a wife, let alone get a mistress.

I think I found your problem.


In point of fact, I think most mistresses would take umbrage to the "out of work" part over the other two.  And I did say recovering.  Cut me some slack.
 
2013-02-13 02:24:18 PM

kimwim: TNel: How did you find out? Did he have her name on the box he gave to you?

She thought if she showed me I'd immediately leave, move out, and give her the gift of him. It didn't quite work out that way. Not quite.


You don't sound at all clingy or unstable.  Or bitter.  I can't imagine why he cheated.
 
2013-02-13 02:24:21 PM
images.zap2it.com

/...may they never meet.
//hot, Hot, HOT!
 
2013-02-13 02:25:50 PM

Good Behavior Day: I've always wanted two women.  One to cook and one to clean.

/ba-dum-tish


I hear digging but I don't hear chopping.
 
2013-02-13 02:26:46 PM

geekbikerskum: "Well," said the computer programmer, "Ideally, you should have both a wife, *and* a mistress.  And they should know about each other.  That way, you can tell your wife you're with your mistress, and you can tell your mistress you're with your wife, and meanwhile, you can go in to the office and get some code written."

/I swear that's why half the geeks I know are poly


Or you can be an auto engineer and have your wife complain how you are out in the garage with your "other women".
 
2013-02-13 02:26:47 PM

hartzdog: kimwim: TNel: How did you find out? Did he have her name on the box he gave to you?

She thought if she showed me I'd immediately leave, move out, and give her the gift of him. It didn't quite work out that way. Not quite.

You don't sound at all clingy or unstable.  Or bitter.  I can't imagine why he cheated.



0/10

images.t-nation.com
 
2013-02-13 02:27:13 PM

IamAwake: Smeggy Smurf: As soon as she moves to this city it's going to be like having two wives but without the doubled up sexy time

I suspect it will change the frequency, however.  Which direction - is up to you.


What's The Frequency?
 
2013-02-13 02:27:19 PM
My girlfriend works tomorrow night so we're going out tonight.  Am I going to look like a stone-cold pimp to the waitstaff?
 
2013-02-13 02:28:07 PM

IamAwake: The One True TheDavid:

Eventually I learned good blowjobs ain't worth that much pain & suffering. Really, it's better to pay cash.

which hey, if your reason for getting married was to get blowjobs, then sure.  Some of us consider women, and companionship in general, to be worth more than just life support systems for lips and vaginas.  Silly us.


Of course that wasn't my only reason: I was deeply in love. And 19-20. And wanted so much to be a "normal" person. Why I picked her for that is beyond me: I must have been mentally ill.

Everybody has to be good at something: for Becky Lynn it was making out in cars and giving enthusiastic head.

She had a few other skills but I valued those less. I'm glad she left before I stabbed her. You know how some crazy people bring out the psycho in others? Uh-huh.
 
2013-02-13 02:29:26 PM

tricycleracer: My girlfriend works tomorrow night so we're going out tonight.  Am I going to look like a stone-cold pimp to the waitstaff?


If your girlfriend has a sense of humor, get a fake wedding band.  Act dismayed when you notice you are wearing it and attempt (but fail) to discretely remove it during the meal.
 
2013-02-13 02:30:05 PM

DaWormyPimpsta: [images.zap2it.com image 432x288]

/...may they never meet.
//hot, Hot, HOT!


You always pick the lesser of two weevils.
 
2013-02-13 02:32:02 PM
The 14th is wife's day.   The rest of the year is mistress day, rotating between them.

/gets tedious
 
2013-02-13 02:33:43 PM
I never met a normal girl who just absolutely loved giving head.  I know that's weird, but hear me out.  I'm relatively normal, I think... I like doing the face plant on a girl, personally.  But I've NEVER known of a girl who excitedly verbalized her enjoyment of it, or said "I'm REALLY good at it", or "I JUST LOVE doing it" that turned out to be normal.

I have NO scientific evidence to back this up or even explain it, its just personal experience.  Interestingly enough, having a wife who has friends with such nick-names as "triple digits" (This refers to how many dudes she's blown in a parking lot to get free drinks) I've found that the girls that "love it" or "do it for drinks" etc, either hold no value in the act, or feel some very bizarre sense of control over the man while doing it.  It seems not at all related to the actual fact that they are pleasuring the man.

YMMV
 
2013-02-13 02:33:59 PM

Evil Mackerel: Do hookers count?


I'm pretty sure most of them can count, considering the job requires that they handle money.
 
2013-02-13 02:34:56 PM

Lucidz: I'm an out of work mid thirties recovering alcoholic.

How you doing?

 
2013-02-13 02:35:26 PM

IamAwake: The One True TheDavid: Eventually I learned good blowjobs ain't worth that much pain & suffering. Really, it's better to pay cash.

which hey, if your reason for getting married was to get blowjobs, then sure.  Some of us consider women, and companionship in general, to be worth more than just life support systems for lips and vaginas.  Silly us.


Absolutely.  One mustn't forget the sandwich making and diaper changing skills they bring to the table.
 
2013-02-13 02:35:47 PM
Wow, I couldn't imagine why he left.
 
2013-02-13 02:36:09 PM

GalFriday: Lucidz: I'm an out of work mid thirties recovering alcoholic.

How you doing?


Tired and bored and deciding which comic books to sell to make the next payment on my Porsche.
 
2013-02-13 02:38:36 PM

The One True TheDavid: You know how some crazy people bring out the psycho in others? Uh-huh.


Truer words have never been spoken.

Of course, I would never condone acting upon it. Other people can cause you feel a certain way to a point, but your actions are 100% your own.

It's best just to bail at the time when you realize you're being driven up a wall and it will never get any better.
 
2013-02-13 02:38:47 PM

kimwim: IgG4: kimwim: My ex did that. Bought her the same heart shaped box of chocolates he got me. That's how I found out. She had to show me. They're married now. Ask me if they're happy.

Are they happy?

They are not happy. It's glorious. As my mother used to say, revenge is a dish best eaten cold.


It's sad though that you are still dwelling on it.
 
2013-02-13 02:41:54 PM

kimwim: IgG4: kimwim: My ex did that. Bought her the same heart shaped box of chocolates he got me. That's how I found out. She had to show me. They're married now. Ask me if they're happy.

Are they happy?

They are not happy. It's glorious. As my mother used to say, revenge is a dish best eaten  served cold.


Subtle but important difference.
 
2013-02-13 02:42:19 PM

ha-ha-guy: Or you can be an auto engineer and have your wife complain how you are out in the garage with your "other women".


That's how my g/f refers to my motorcycle.
 
2013-02-13 02:44:45 PM

Knucklepopper: It's sad though that you are still dwelling on it.


People get over things at their own speed. Sometimes, that speed is "never". Having been in a shiatfest of a relationship not all that long ago, I could see where one could develop a sense of Schadenfreude. Although, in my case, all contact was cut off and I don't poke around to find out what's happening with her life. I'd much rather feel neutral than hate.
 
2013-02-13 02:45:11 PM

ha-ha-guy: geekbikerskum: "Well," said the computer programmer, "Ideally, you should have both a wife, *and* a mistress.  And they should know about each other.  That way, you can tell your wife you're with your mistress, and you can tell your mistress you're with your wife, and meanwhile, you can go in to the office and get some code written."

/I swear that's why half the geeks I know are poly

Or you can be an auto engineer and have your wife complain how you are out in the garage with your "other women".

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero" The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
 
2013-02-13 02:45:14 PM

DROxINxTHExWIND: Lucidz: I'm an out of work mid thirties recovering alcoholic. I can barely hold on to a wife, let alone get a mistress.

I think I found your problem.


Wow... way to contribute.
 
2013-02-13 02:45:38 PM

Good Behavior Day: I've always wanted two women.  One to cook and one to clean.

/ba-dum-tish


Well that, and also if there's any conversation, you don't have to be part of it!
 
2013-02-13 02:48:45 PM

DROxINxTHExWIND: The One True TheDavid: This Feb. 16th will be the 30 anniversary of my ex-wife's desertion. At the time I was bummed out, but after a year I realized she did me a favor: the next one after her was 6 years younger, i.e. 18.

Eventually I learned good blowjobs ain't worth that much pain & suffering. Really, it's better to pay cash.

I'm not sure that counting the years and using words like "desertion" are signs that you've accepted what happened.


"Desertion" was the legal term: what she said was her car broke down at her mother's.

Where did I say I wasn't bitter? I've heard heterosexuality is good for child support and bitterness: I got off easy without the first part.


Also see: remembering head from 30 years ago.

What's wrong with that? Of the roughly 4 dozen partners I had over the decades (some several times and/or some for cash) there were 5 who gave great head. Two were 16 y.o. girls (when I was 14), one was a 15 year old boy (like me then), Becky Lynn was 23 when I was 19, and O.F. was 24 when I was 33. The rest were kind of meh; gentle pointers or even demonstrating on a banana or another guy didn't help much.

Really, it's not enough to do it without needing to be begged and/or paid: I don't care if you sucked off 20 guys that week, that's no sign of quality. Maybe get a gay buddy to train you, mkay?
 
2013-02-13 02:51:17 PM

The One True TheDavid: DROxINxTHExWIND:

Really, it's not enough to do it without needing to be begged and/or paid: I don't care if you sucked off 20 guys that week, that's no sign of quality. Maybe get a gay buddy to train you, mkay?


By the way, I was not directing that to DROxINxTHExWIND.
 
2013-02-13 02:53:41 PM

Knucklepopper: kimwim: IgG4: kimwim:

My ex did that. Bought her the same heart shaped box of chocolates he got me. That's how I found out. She had to show me. They're married now. Ask me if they're happy.

Are they happy?

They are not happy. It's glorious. As my mother used to say, revenge is a dish best eaten cold.

It's sad though that you are still dwelling on it.


I think it's her best trait. That I've seen here anyway: it humanizes her a little, y'know.
 
2013-02-13 02:54:19 PM
Remember - It takes two to cheat:

One to cheat
One to nag incessantly driving your partner into the arms of another woman
 
2013-02-13 02:55:43 PM

kimwim: My ex did that. Bought her the same heart shaped box of chocolates he got me. That's how I found out. She had to show me. They're married now. Ask me if they're happy.


Which one of you is hotter?
 
2013-02-13 02:59:08 PM

WhippingBoy: Remember - It takes two to cheat:

One to cheat
One to nag incessantly driving your partner into the arms of another woman


Blaming the victim is what weak people do. Take some personal responsibility once in a while, y'know?
 
2013-02-13 02:59:32 PM

Knucklepopper: kimwim: IgG4: kimwim: My ex did that. Bought her the same heart shaped box of chocolates he got me. That's how I found out. She had to show me. They're married now. Ask me if they're happy.

Are they happy?

They are not happy. It's glorious. As my mother used to say, revenge is a dish best eaten cold.

It's sad though that you are still dwelling on it.


It's sad what my kids had to go through.
I'm very happily remarried.
 
2013-02-13 03:00:57 PM

KiwDaWabbit: WhippingBoy: Remember - It takes two to cheat:

One to cheat
One to nag incessantly driving your partner into the arms of another woman

Blaming the victim is what weak people do. Take some personal responsibility once in a while, y'know?


Quit nagging me!!!
 
2013-02-13 03:05:47 PM

KiwDaWabbit: WhippingBoy: Remember - It takes two to cheat:

One to cheat
One to nag incessantly driving your partner into the arms of another woman

Blaming the victim is what weak people do. Take some personal responsibility once in a while, y'know?


Your profile says BIE.
 
2013-02-13 03:05:52 PM

kimwim: IgG4: kimwim: My ex did that. Bought her the same heart shaped box of chocolates he got me. That's how I found out. She had to show me. They're married now. Ask me if they're happy.

Are they happy?

They are not happy. It's glorious. As my mother used to say, revenge is a dish best eaten cold.


I'm sure the idea of him being miserable gives you a little smile now and then, but you need to get over it. Maybe your only talking about it because of the subject of the thread, but I kinda doubt it.

The thing is, he's not going to be miserable forever. He's already proven that he will leave a woman (you), so he'll eventually leave her. As life goes on, his romantic prospects will grow, as most men's does, and he'll find someone nicer and younger, who is willing to forgive his past sins and live a fulfilling life with him. Maybe she'll be Asian and play a ton of tennis, you know, real fit and tons of stamina, but still super feminine, with her jet black hair in a pony tail bouncing playfully on her tan, fit upper back. He will feel terrible for what he did to you, ask your forgiveness and forgive himself. Then he will continue on with his young, energetic little Korean (maybe like 1/2 Korean, 1/2 Japanese, or OH! 1/2 black 1/2 Japanese, so she's got that gorgeous skin tone) spitfire, and all you will have is your bitterness.

My point being, living well and being happy is the only true way to get revenge. I hope that helps.
 
2013-02-13 03:08:09 PM

WhippingBoy: Quit nagging me!!!


Touché.

Girion47: Your profile says BIE.


What's your point?

Are you offering or just being observant?
 
2013-02-13 03:10:05 PM

Magnanimous_J: Maybe she'll be Asian and play a ton of tennis, you know, real fit and tons of stamina, but still super feminine, with her jet black hair in a pony tail bouncing playfully on her tan, fit upper back. He will feel terrible for what he did to you, ask your forgiveness and forgive himself. Then he will continue on with his young, energetic little Korean (maybe like 1/2 Korean, 1/2 Japanese, or OH! 1/2 black 1/2 Japanese, so she's got that gorgeous skin tone) spitfire,


This is funny, you're projecting. No, the reason I'm talking about it is because of the topic of the thread. I have moved on, my kids are grown, son one getting married in May. Ex won't leave her, it was too easy for him to have the affair, like I said before she worked on the farm with us, (I was the idiot that told him to double her pay when we bought the place, I didn't think she was paid enough), and it would take too much time and effort for him to find another young thing). I am living well, and happily. My sons tell me they are unhappy, that they fight all the time. He wasn't a bad husband, just dumb.
I hope my sons have learned from my marriage, not his.
 
2013-02-13 03:10:48 PM

kimwim: It's sad what my kids had to go through.
I'm very happily remarried.


As far as you know.
 
2013-02-13 03:15:54 PM

KiwDaWabbit: WhippingBoy: Quit nagging me!!!

Touché.

Girion47: Your profile says BIE.

What's your point?

Are you offering or just being observant?


I thought you were offering.
 
2013-02-13 03:17:24 PM

Girion47: I thought you were offering.


Ohhhhhh. Oh.

Well, let me dress up as Buffalo Bill first.
 
2013-02-13 03:17:48 PM
Has anyone here actually had a mistress (or been a mistress if you're a farkette)? I question whether most farkers can get one lady, let alone 2. Still I'm nosy and want to hear how it turned out
 
2013-02-13 03:17:59 PM

Two16: DROxINxTHExWIND: Lucidz: I'm an out of work mid thirties recovering alcoholic. I can barely hold on to a wife, let alone get a mistress.

I think I found your problem.

Wow... way to contribute.


It's all good.  I have no problem poking fun at myself.  I wouldn't open myself up about things if I was going to get butt hurt about it.
 
2013-02-13 03:18:30 PM

Girion47: KiwDaWabbit: WhippingBoy: Quit nagging me!!!

Touché.

Girion47: Your profile says BIE.

What's your point?

Are you offering or just being observant?

I thought you were offering.


you sound like you're going to have a sad Valentine's Day
 
2013-02-13 03:18:38 PM

KiwDaWabbit: Girion47: I thought you were offering.

Ohhhhhh. Oh.

Well, let me dress up as Buffalo Bill first.


damn lack of gender indicators on Fark.
 
2013-02-13 03:20:06 PM

ModernPrimitive01: Girion47: KiwDaWabbit: WhippingBoy: Quit nagging me!!!

Touché.

Girion47: Your profile says BIE.

What's your point?

Are you offering or just being observant?

I thought you were offering.

you sound like you're going to have a sad Valentine's Day


Oh I will, I'll be at a U of L game thinking about how UK is going to do terrible in the tournament because of Nerlins getting injured last night.  Damn U of L fans are so happy to gloat over UK's misfortune.
 
2013-02-13 03:20:20 PM
I'm nailing my best friends' girlfriend.

She's getting nothing.

/he hates my guts now actually
//they still live together so I don't get to see her on Vday anyway
 
2013-02-13 03:20:44 PM
this could be applied to any relationship when it's not working out:

"Shoot, shoot, this thang is killin' me." Jerry hollered back, "I'm afraid to shoot, I might hit you". Marcel hollered back down, "Just shoot up here amongst us, one of us has got to have some relief."
 
2013-02-13 03:24:12 PM
this just popped in my head, but secretaries get two days of appreciation?
 
2013-02-13 03:24:14 PM

Girion47: ModernPrimitive01: Girion47: KiwDaWabbit: WhippingBoy: Quit nagging me!!!

Touché.

Girion47: Your profile says BIE.

What's your point?

Are you offering or just being observant?

I thought you were offering.

you sound like you're going to have a sad Valentine's Day

Oh I will, I'll be at a U of L game thinking about how UK is going to do terrible in the tournament because of Nerlins getting injured last night.  Damn U of L fans are so happy to gloat over UK's misfortune.


As a University of Tennessee fan, I would never gloat over another SEC schools misfortune

/sarcasm
 
2013-02-13 03:25:29 PM

Girion47: damn lack of gender indicators on Fark.


Yeah. Well, I thought the absence of a counter and a link to an Amazon wish list gave that away.
 
2013-02-13 03:26:22 PM

ModernPrimitive01: Has anyone here actually had a mistress (or been a mistress if you're a farkette)? I question whether most farkers can get one lady, let alone 2. Still I'm nosy and want to hear how it turned out


I've had offers.  I've always declined because I suck at lying and frankly if I didn't want to be with the person I am with, I would stop being with them.  My favorite offer was from a buddy in college, who had told me a month earlier never to hurt my then girlfriend, that another girl was interested and that I should hit that.  What's really sad about it is I was too naive to realize just how many girls were interested.
 
2013-02-13 03:26:35 PM

ModernPrimitive01: Girion47: ModernPrimitive01: Girion47: KiwDaWabbit: WhippingBoy: Quit nagging me!!!

Touché.

Girion47: Your profile says BIE.

What's your point?

Are you offering or just being observant?

I thought you were offering.

you sound like you're going to have a sad Valentine's Day

Oh I will, I'll be at a U of L game thinking about how UK is going to do terrible in the tournament because of Nerlins getting injured last night.  Damn U of L fans are so happy to gloat over UK's misfortune.

As a University of Tennessee fan, I would never gloat over another SEC schools misfortune

/sarcasm


What?  No SEC loyalty?  I cheer for the SEC teams outside of UK games, especially against ACC opponents.
 
2013-02-13 03:29:51 PM
No subby, that would be the other 364 Days..
 
2013-02-13 03:30:08 PM
This is the third anniversary of my separating from my (now) ex-wife, so I'm really getting a kick out of all this.  No mistress involved, though...
 
2013-02-13 03:30:32 PM

Girion47: ModernPrimitive01: Girion47: ModernPrimitive01: Girion47: KiwDaWabbit: WhippingBoy: Quit nagging me!!!

Touché.

Girion47: Your profile says BIE.

What's your point?

Are you offering or just being observant?

I thought you were offering.

you sound like you're going to have a sad Valentine's Day

Oh I will, I'll be at a U of L game thinking about how UK is going to do terrible in the tournament because of Nerlins getting injured last night.  Damn U of L fans are so happy to gloat over UK's misfortune.

As a University of Tennessee fan, I would never gloat over another SEC schools misfortune

/sarcasm

What?  No SEC loyalty?  I cheer for the SEC teams outside of UK games, especially against ACC opponents.


naaa, I have my favorites but UK Basketball definitely isn't one of them. I do feel bad for you guys in football though, there seems to be no student support. Your stadium always looks empty. I mean the Vols have been god awful for the last 5 years but we somehow still manage 80k a game
 
2013-02-13 03:30:59 PM

KiwDaWabbit: Girion47: damn lack of gender indicators on Fark.

Yeah. Well, I thought the absence of a counter and a link to an Amazon wish list gave that away.


jokemail.files.wordpress.com
 
2013-02-13 03:32:35 PM

The One True TheDavid: The One True TheDavid: DROxINxTHExWIND:

Really, it's not enough to do it without needing to be begged and/or paid: I don't care if you sucked off 20 guys that week, that's no sign of quality. Maybe get a gay buddy to train you, mkay?

By the way, I was not directing that to DROxINxTHExWIND.


Naw, you should have been. I kind of snarked about remembering good head and pressed send before I realized how stupid it was. OF COURSE you remember the good ones.
 
2013-02-13 03:36:03 PM

Lipspinach: I'm nailing my best friends' girlfriend.

She's getting nothing.

/he hates my guts now actually
//they still live together so I don't get to see her on Vday anyway


Thats a serious violation.
 
2013-02-13 03:42:26 PM

KiwDaWabbit: Girion47: damn lack of gender indicators on Fark.

Yeah. Well, I thought the absence of a counter and a link to an Amazon wish list gave that away.


Comment of the decade.
 
2013-02-13 03:42:51 PM

DROxINxTHExWIND: The One True TheDavid: This Feb. 16th will be the 30 anniversary of my ex-wife's desertion. At the time I was bummed out, but after a year I realized she did me a favor: the next one after her was 6 years younger, i.e. 18.

Eventually I learned good blowjobs ain't worth that much pain & suffering. Really, it's better to pay cash.

I'm not sure that counting the years and using words like "desertion" are signs that you've accepted what happened. Also see: remembering head from 30 years ago.


Yeah, but dude, he TOTALLY started banging an 18-year-old afterwards, so like, awesome and stuff.
 
2013-02-13 03:50:44 PM

ModernPrimitive01: Has anyone here actually had a mistress (or been a mistress if you're a farkette)? I question whether most farkers can get one lady, let alone 2. Still I'm nosy and want to hear how it turned out


I have two.  It just requires being somewhat stealthy and understanding of their needs.  Oh, and two closets, a bunch of rebar, and a couple of steel doors.
 
2013-02-13 04:02:25 PM

ModernPrimitive01: Has anyone here actually had a mistress (or been a mistress if you're a farkette)? I question whether most farkers can get one lady, let alone 2. Still I'm nosy and want to hear how it turned out


I had a one night stand that ended my first marriage.

I kinda did it wrong though because we ended up married, then divorced.
 
2013-02-13 04:04:32 PM

ModernPrimitive01: Has anyone here actually had a mistress (or been a mistress if you're a farkette)? I question whether most farkers can get one lady, let alone 2. Still I'm nosy and want to hear how it turned out


Had a few misters.  What are they called when they're guys?  Been a mistress.  Not sure how many of them were farkers.
 
2013-02-13 04:06:56 PM

DROxINxTHExWIND: Lipspinach: I'm nailing my best friends' girlfriend.

She's getting nothing.

/he hates my guts now actually
//they still live together so I don't get to see her on Vday anyway

Thats a serious violation.


What...me screwing my friends girl?
A year ago I would've agreed and I told her it was a bad idea.
This guy was one of my best friends for 25 years
but I started losing respect for him a while ago for various reasons.
And then he started in with this weird control-freak shiat with her.
I stopped counting the black eyes he gave her after around #4.
But yet she won't leave him. Also she is way off the hot/crazy scale.
So you see, all involved in this, especially me, are ridiculously farked up.

tl/dr, it's complicated
 
2013-02-13 04:14:20 PM

Lucidz: I never met a normal girl who just absolutely loved giving head.  I know that's weird, but hear me out.  I'm relatively normal, I think... I like doing the face plant on a girl, personally.  But I've NEVER known of a girl who excitedly verbalized her enjoyment of it, or said "I'm REALLY good at it", or "I JUST LOVE doing it" that turned out to be normal.

I have NO scientific evidence to back this up or even explain it, its just personal experience.  Interestingly enough, having a wife who has friends with such nick-names as "triple digits" (This refers to how many dudes she's blown in a parking lot to get free drinks) I've found that the girls that "love it" or "do it for drinks" etc, either hold no value in the act, or feel some very bizarre sense of control over the man while doing it.  It seems not at all related to the actual fact that they are pleasuring the man.

YMMV



I'm a chick who really enjoys giving head.  In my opinion, it's a lot of fun.  It's one of those skills that you continue to improve upon.  Once you've mastered the standard blowjob (i.e., the one that's guaranteed to make your guy cum) you move on to perfecting all the variations:

a.  quantity and quality of saliva
b.  zero, one, or two hands (don't forget to give some thought to your particular hand lotion...most women wear hand lotion, and a fair amount of lotion can taste nasty, which can be distracting when you're going down on someone)
c.  rhythm and pace (e.g., slow and steady, or slow at the start and picking up pace as you go on)
d.  relative body angles (e.g., if you're on the bed, you can approach his cock from the side or in between his legs---maximal view of the action from his POV---or you can hover over him 69-style
e.  where in the mouth to work his dick (e.g., more or less cheek or throat action)
f.   where to stroke his dick with your tongue (each guy is different in this regard)
g.  how much pressure to apply with your lips and tongue
h.  how much you want to "tease" his cock before you start sucking it in earnest
i.   kind and amount of ball-fondling

At this point, I feel like I have a couple dozen varieties of blowjob to offer.  Each one is different from the last.  Keeps it exciting.

P.S.  Always swallow.  No ifs, ands, or buts about it.
 
2013-02-13 04:17:32 PM

FizixJunkee: Lucidz: I never met a normal girl who just absolutely loved giving head.  I know that's weird, but hear me out.  I'm relatively normal, I think... I like doing the face plant on a girl, personally.  But I've NEVER known of a girl who excitedly verbalized her enjoyment of it, or said "I'm REALLY good at it", or "I JUST LOVE doing it" that turned out to be normal.

I have NO scientific evidence to back this up or even explain it, its just personal experience.  Interestingly enough, having a wife who has friends with such nick-names as "triple digits" (This refers to how many dudes she's blown in a parking lot to get free drinks) I've found that the girls that "love it" or "do it for drinks" etc, either hold no value in the act, or feel some very bizarre sense of control over the man while doing it.  It seems not at all related to the actual fact that they are pleasuring the man.

YMMV


I'm a chick who really enjoys giving head.  In my opinion, it's a lot of fun.  It's one of those skills that you continue to improve upon.  Once you've mastered the standard blowjob (i.e., the one that's guaranteed to make your guy cum) you move on to perfecting all the variations:

a.  quantity and quality of saliva
b.  zero, one, or two hands (don't forget to give some thought to your particular hand lotion...most women wear hand lotion, and a fair amount of lotion can taste nasty, which can be distracting when you're going down on someone)
c.  rhythm and pace (e.g., slow and steady, or slow at the start and picking up pace as you go on)
d.  relative body angles (e.g., if you're on the bed, you can approach his cock from the side or in between his legs---maximal view of the action from his POV---or you can hover over him 69-style
e.  where in the mouth to work his dick (e.g., more or less cheek or throat action)
f.   where to stroke his dick with your tongue (each guy is different in this regard)
g.  how much pressure to apply with your lips and tongue
h.  how much you want to "tease ...


This is how you spot a guy pretending to be a chick on the internet.
 
2013-02-13 04:18:03 PM

Lipspinach: DROxINxTHExWIND: Lipspinach: I'm nailing my best friends' girlfriend.

She's getting nothing.

/he hates my guts now actually
//they still live together so I don't get to see her on Vday anyway

Thats a serious violation.

What...me screwing my friends girl?
A year ago I would've agreed and I told her it was a bad idea.
This guy was one of my best friends for 25 years
but I started losing respect for him a while ago for various reasons.
And then he started in with this weird control-freak shiat with her.
I stopped counting the black eyes he gave her after around #4.

But yet she won't leave him. Also she is way off the hot/crazy scale.
So you see, all involved in this, especially me, are ridiculously farked up.

tl/dr, it's complicated


LOL WHUT? If you're not man enough to step in and confront your "friend" for putting his hands on a woman then mind your farking business. Also, the fact that he's a woman beater doesn't excuse the snake shiat that you're doing. You gotta keep your hands off of your man's girl. Thats ManLaw.
 
2013-02-13 04:18:04 PM

ModernPrimitive01: Has anyone here actually had a mistress (or been a mistress if you're a farkette)? I question whether most farkers can get one lady, let alone 2. Still I'm nosy and want to hear how it turned out


Ugh, yes. Several. Finally got tired of the lying and expense...sex wasnt worth the drama. Vday was always the worst. They always knew I was married but STILL expected me to take them out that evening (except one, but she was a super-cool exception.) It was all about competition. Only one ever showed up at my door for a pop-in with the wife, which surprises me given the stories of jilted lovers from fellow Farkers.
 
2013-02-13 04:20:40 PM

jst3p: This is how you spot a guy pretending to be a chick on the internet.


That, or an ugmo.

"Please pay attention to me, guys! PLEASE!!!!"
 
2013-02-13 04:36:23 PM

WhippingBoy: jst3p: This is how you spot a guy pretending to be a chick on the internet.

That, or an ugmo.

"Please pay attention to me, guys! PLEASE!!!!"


It worked. I'm at attention
 
2013-02-13 04:42:13 PM

ModernPrimitive01: Has anyone here actually had a mistress (or been a mistress if you're a farkette)? I question whether most farkers can get one lady, let alone 2. Still I'm nosy and want to hear how it turned out


It works for me.  Especially since the wife knows all about it and we like each other. YMMV
 
2013-02-13 04:43:04 PM

ModernPrimitive01: Has anyone here actually had a mistress (or been a mistress if you're a farkette)? I question whether most farkers can get one lady, let alone 2. Still I'm nosy and want to hear how it turned out


I've been the man that women cheated with but only had a quasi-mistress situation. She lived in the city, grad student and very understanding that I wasn't going to end my relationship to be with her. I'd travel a lot for work and she'd road-trip or fly out with me, then hang out in whatever city we ended up in, going shopping or working on her leisure reading while I finished up for the day. Then romance and good sex at night. Years later, I wondered why in the hell I didn't just dump the biatch I'd been dating and go out with her.
 
2013-02-13 05:03:12 PM

FizixJunkee: Lucidz: I never met a normal girl who just absolutely loved giving head.  I know that's weird, but hear me out.  I'm relatively normal, I think... I like doing the face plant on a girl, personally.  But I've NEVER known of a girl who excitedly verbalized her enjoyment of it, or said "I'm REALLY good at it", or "I JUST LOVE doing it" that turned out to be normal.

I have NO scientific evidence to back this up or even explain it, its just personal experience.  Interestingly enough, having a wife who has friends with such nick-names as "triple digits" (This refers to how many dudes she's blown in a parking lot to get free drinks) I've found that the girls that "love it" or "do it for drinks" etc, either hold no value in the act, or feel some very bizarre sense of control over the man while doing it.  It seems not at all related to the actual fact that they are pleasuring the man.

YMMV


I'm a chick Tranny who really enjoys giving head.  In my opinion, it's a lot of fun.  It's one of those skills that you continue to improve upon.  Once you've mastered the standard blowjob (i.e., the one that's guaranteed to make your guy cum) you move on to perfecting all the variations:

a.  quantity and quality of saliva
b.  zero, one, or two hands (don't forget to give some thought to your particular hand lotion...most women wear hand lotion, and a fair amount of lotion can taste nasty, which can be distracting when you're going down on someone)
c.  rhythm and pace (e.g., slow and steady, or slow at the start and picking up pace as you go on)
d.  relative body angles (e.g., if you're on the bed, you can approach his cock from the side or in between his legs---maximal view of the action from his POV---or you can hover over him 69-style
e.  where in the mouth to work his dick (e.g., more or less cheek or throat action)
f.   where to stroke his dick with your tongue (each guy is different in this regard)
g.  how much pressure to apply with your lips and tongue
h.  how much you want to "tease ...


FTFY
 
2013-02-13 05:05:00 PM

ModernPrimitive01: Has anyone here actually had a mistress (or been a mistress if you're a farkette)? I question whether most farkers can get one lady, let alone 2. Still I'm nosy and want to hear how it turned out


Briefly.  I was living with one chick and began a relationship with a second.  It all ended very, very poorly with chick number one giving me an ultimatum and a choice.  Her or chick number two.  I chose to stay with her.
 
2013-02-13 05:07:06 PM

Lucidz: I'm an out of work mid thirties recovering alcoholic.  I can barely hold on to a wife, let alone get a mistress.



Funny, I was in the same boat a couple of years ago the wife left me, I was homeless (living with dad) watching mom die going through a divorce and having the worst year of sobiriety. Then for some reason stuff changed again. I haven't gotten laid this much since I was 19.

Just stay away from the crazy in AA, they can be hard to get rid of.
 
2013-02-13 05:13:29 PM
LovingTeacher:

Just stay away from the crazy in AA, they can be hard to get rid of.

It's almost as if people in 12 step programs have a hard time quitting once they start doing something(one) they really like.
 
2013-02-13 05:13:32 PM
Raug the Dwarf:
/also helps if your girlfriend is married
//so I hear...


Level playing field.
 
2013-02-13 05:18:13 PM

ModernPrimitive01: Has anyone here actually had a mistress (or been a mistress if you're a farkette)? I question whether most farkers can get one lady, let alone 2. Still I'm nosy and want to hear how it turned out


Yes. Several. No, I'm not kidding. Yes, I'm divorced now, but not because of my extramarital activities.

My marriage was already pretty rough, and not due to cheating. We just weren't happy together.

You act as if the only people who post on FARK are basement-dwelling neckbeards who smell like Cheetos farts. I'll have you know I'm actually not fat, I have my own place, I'm considered pretty good-looking by most people, and I smell like sandalwood most of the time. I'm a bit of an introvert, but I'm still well-spoken, nice, and charming when I need to be.

For the record, though I did turn to others when I was in my first marriage, it was because we were both quite unhappy. Now,I'm with the love of my life and I honestly can't even fantasize about other women. I like looking at them sometimes, but I have absolutely no interest in touching them. My fiancee more than makes me happy in every way, and the thought of being with someone else not only doesn't interest me, it's downright boring to me. I've been around the block many times, and never felt fully satisfied until now. Sappy as it sounds, I think the missing element was true love.

There's nothing in an affair for me now. I get all my love, intimacy, affection, and stimulation from my girl... Nobody else has ever made me feel this amazing, and I'm no longer searching for something. I found it.

I say this with utmost seriousness: 1995 Drew Barrymore could appear in my bedroom, tear her clothes off, and beg me to f♥ck her, and I would tell her to get dressed and leave. I'd probably call my fiancee afterward and tell her about it, too.

And one more thing-- A few times, I've also been the single guy involved with a married woman. If I can pass on some wisdom to my fellow Farkers: Don't get intimately involved with a woman whose husband is in prison. It's really not worth the trouble, no matter how much fun you're having. Trust me on this.

"My husband won't be out for a few years." doesn't mean you're going to get away with it. Chances are, he has friends on the outside and they will watch his back... Especially if they wanted to be the one fooling around with the wife.
 
2013-02-13 05:18:20 PM

Temporarily Qualmless: Raug the Dwarf:
/also helps if your girlfriend is married
//so I hear...

Level playing field.


See also: mutually assured destruction. An excellent deterrent if both parties are truly frightened by the nuclear option.
 
2013-02-13 05:22:10 PM

tricycleracer: My girlfriend works tomorrow night so we're going out tonight.  Am I going to look like a stone-cold pimp to the waitstaff?


No, you're still ugly.
 
2013-02-13 05:24:47 PM
Actually, it was last night for me. I took the mistress to a $200 dinner (including tip) then f***** her brains out so long and so hard she couldn't walk straight this morning and had to call in. The wife's getting a colander.
 
2013-02-13 05:25:08 PM

Knucklepopper: ModernPrimitive01: Has anyone here actually had a mistress (or been a mistress if you're a farkette)? I question whether most farkers can get one lady, let alone 2. Still I'm nosy and want to hear how it turned out

I've been the man that women cheated with but only had a quasi-mistress situation. She lived in the city, grad student and very understanding that I wasn't going to end my relationship to be with her. I'd travel a lot for work and she'd road-trip or fly out with me, then hang out in whatever city we ended up in, going shopping or working on her leisure reading while I finished up for the day. Then romance and good sex at night. Years later, I wondered why in the hell I didn't just dump the biatch I'd been dating and go out with her.


Agreed. Had I not seen the financial end-of-world scenario a divorce would have wrought (don't marry an attorney, fellas) I would have bailed for the love of my life three years ago. As it stands, I have an excellent business relationship with my wife. And I kick myself every day for it.
 
2013-02-13 05:28:30 PM
Probably getting divorced soon, so I'm getting a kick...no other woman (or man, you sick farkers.  nttawwt)
 
2013-02-13 05:31:58 PM

ZeroCorpse: I say this with utmost seriousness: 1995 Drew Barrymore could appear in my bedroom, tear her clothes off, and beg me to f♥ck her, and I would tell her to get dressed and leave. I'd probably call my fiancee afterward and tell her about it, too.


She's on my "list" so I would get a pass.
 
2013-02-13 05:33:10 PM

jst3p: ha-ha-guy: geekbikerskum: "Well," said the computer programmer, "Ideally, you should have both a wife, *and* a mistress.  And they should know about each other.  That way, you can tell your wife you're with your mistress, and you can tell your mistress you're with your wife, and meanwhile, you can go in to the office and get some code written."

/I swear that's why half the geeks I know are poly

Or you can be an auto engineer and have your wife complain how you are out in the garage with your "other women".
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero" The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."


I work in a control room with a bunch of plant operators (I'm the DCS guy). As the only programmer I get all sorts of hell.

I read this joke out loud and got laughs out of everyone. Thanks for the post.
 
2013-02-13 05:43:34 PM

rko281: Actually, it was last night for me. I took the mistress myself to a $200 dinner (including tip) then f***** her jacked my brains out so long and so hard she I couldn't walk straight this morning and had to call in. The wife's getting a colander.


FTFY

/ I keed
 
2013-02-13 05:56:46 PM

Occam's Disposable Razor: Temporarily Qualmless: Raug the Dwarf:
/also helps if your girlfriend is married
//so I hear...

Level playing field.

See also: mutually assured destruction. An excellent deterrent if both parties are truly frightened by the nuclear option.


That's a bit on the Machiavellian side, though not without an element of truth.

Mainly it just helps keep things on a friendly, not-overinvolved, fill-in-what-we're-not-getting-at-home, basis.
 
2013-02-13 06:15:45 PM

kimwim: IgG4: kimwim: My ex did that. Bought her the same heart shaped box of chocolates he got me. That's how I found out. She had to show me. They're married now. Ask me if they're happy.

Are they happy?

They are not happy. It's glorious. As my mother used to say, revenge is a dish best eaten cold.


You're mixing up your revenges here. Here, living well is the best revenge.
 
2013-02-13 06:29:15 PM

pute kisses like a man: You're mixing up your revenges here. Here, living well is the best revenge.


That too!  :-D
 
2013-02-13 06:36:02 PM

DROxINxTHExWIND: Lipspinach: DROxINxTHExWIND: Lipspinach: I'm nailing my best friends' girlfriend.

She's getting nothing.

/he hates my guts now actually
//they still live together so I don't get to see her on Vday anyway

Thats a serious violation.

What...me screwing my friends girl?
A year ago I would've agreed and I told her it was a bad idea.
This guy was one of my best friends for 25 years
but I started losing respect for him a while ago for various reasons.
And then he started in with this weird control-freak shiat with her.
I stopped counting the black eyes he gave her after around #4.
But yet she won't leave him. Also she is way off the hot/crazy scale.
So you see, all involved in this, especially me, are ridiculously farked up.

tl/dr, it's complicated

LOL WHUT? If you're not man enough to step in and confront your "friend" for putting his hands on a woman then mind your farking business. Also, the fact that he's a woman beater doesn't excuse the snake shiat that you're doing. You gotta keep your hands off of your man's girl. Thats ManLaw.


I'm going to have to side with Droix on this.  Man up or get lost.
 
2013-02-13 06:53:11 PM
I was a mistress. 5 years. He actually left his wife... Then left me. I haven't had a meaningful relationship since. Actually just began my first relationship since then about 3 days ago... No telling how this will go.
 
2013-02-13 07:03:47 PM
This thread feels like a scene from "The Breakfast Club."
 
2013-02-13 07:32:17 PM

earthworm2.0: I was a mistress. 5 years. He actually left his wife... Then left me. I haven't had a meaningful relationship since. Actually just began my first relationship since then about 3 days ago... No telling how this will go.


I'm seeing a women who's married, but I've been separated for four years.  Is she still a mistress?

Nomenclature, how does it work?
 
2013-02-13 07:37:49 PM

Occam's Disposable Razor: Temporarily Qualmless: Raug the Dwarf:
/also helps if your girlfriend is married
//so I hear...

Level playing field.

See also: mutually assured destruction. An excellent deterrent if both parties are truly frightened by the nuclear option.


Good point. Although chances of getting caught go up exponentially, there's less to fear that one side will get squirrelly and tell the spouse
 
2013-02-13 07:39:35 PM
What's a male mistress called?

And can we have our day on the 15th? That's when I'm seeing my soon to be married woman.
 
2013-02-13 07:40:50 PM

Gothnet: What's a male mistress called?

And can we have our day on the 15th? That's when I'm seeing my soon to be married woman.


cavalier was one term

A priest's mistress is a parnel
 
2013-02-13 07:42:56 PM

jst3p: ZeroCorpse: I say this with utmost seriousness: 1995 Drew Barrymore could appear in my bedroom, tear her clothes off, and beg me to f♥ck her, and I would tell her to get dressed and leave. I'd probably call my fiancee afterward and tell her about it, too.

She's on my "list" so I would get a pass.


Actually, my fiancee said the same thing-- that I could get a pass on that one because I've had the hots for Drew forever. I still wouldn't do it, though, unless she insisted and joined in.
 
2013-02-13 07:43:57 PM
Cavalier is good. I'm no priest and neither is milady so parnel is probably out...
 
2013-02-13 08:00:26 PM
I will never understand how someone can claim to love somebody and cheat.
 
2013-02-13 08:04:04 PM

KiwDaWabbit: I will never understand how someone can claim to love somebody and cheat.


Ditto.  I never considered cheating when I was married, even when my (now ex) wife was ignoring me and (as it turned out) cheating.
 
2013-02-13 08:07:52 PM

KiwDaWabbit: I will never understand how someone can claim to love somebody and cheat.


I will never understand either, but clearly some people don't consider it cheating. As far as I can tell I'm not sleeping with milady behind her other half's back, yet they're still planning on marrying later this year.... Wouldn't work for me but I'll have a little fun for a while.
 
2013-02-13 08:42:24 PM

KiwDaWabbit: I will never understand how someone can claim to love somebody and cheat.


I will never understand how someone can claim to love somebody and nag incessantly.
 
2013-02-13 08:44:44 PM
FizixJunkee:

P.S. Always swallow. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

I don't really care where the damn cum goes. I don't recall ever being blown by a guy who didn't swallow, but it seems like another guy thing I just don't get. Men are weird.

Most of my female partners didn't like the taste or the consistency and I can't say I blame them, so my usual practice was to keep a wad of tissue handy and catch it in that. But one of my hardest orgasms was when I spared the chick the yuckiness at the last split-second and directed it out into the room: I swear it spurted about 3 feet, copiously. This made me dizzy and I fell over. (No "substances" were involved.)

I was 15 when I gave my first blowjob -- I picked the victim and insisted he let me -- and it surprised me that he didn't believe it was my first: part of it was that it turned out to be fun, and part was that I "instinctively" gulped & swallowed. When it hits the front of the tongue you get the taste & consistency, when it blasts into the back of the throat it's gagging time, but there's a sweet spot right in the middle of the tongue where you can swallow easily without really tasting or registering it. But I only gave a handful of BJs to completion so I claim no expertise.

One thing I don't understand is "facials," eye-shots, bukake or especially pissing on the person afterward: it seems the intent is to degrade the cocksucker, while as far as I'm concerned getting my cock sucked is a favor to be grateful for, especially when I don't have to beg, buy dinner or pay.

Naturally it blew my mind when some guy picked me up in Oklahoma City and insisted on paying me to blow me, which struck me then as rather backward. It's not so hard to understand now that I'm "mature" but it's still kind of sad.

Anyway, like I said, blowing me is doing me a favor. I'm not averse to paying when I can afford it, but it is better with someone who does it for fun. However, and this is important, it displeases me when somebody expects or worse wants to be treated like a dirty filthy slut for doing it: I won't take that put up with that when I'm going down, and of course my standards are the most correct.
 
2013-02-13 08:57:32 PM

The One True TheDavid: FizixJunkee:

P.S. Always swallow. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

I don't really care where the damn cum goes. I don't recall ever being blown by a guy who didn't swallow, but it seems like another guy thing I just don't get. Men are weird.

Most of my female partners didn't like the taste or the consistency and I can't say I blame them, so my usual practice was to keep a wad of tissue handy and catch it in that. But one of my hardest orgasms was when I spared the chick the yuckiness at the last split-second and directed it out into the room: I swear it spurted about 3 feet, copiously. This made me dizzy and I fell over. (No "substances" were involved.)

I was 15 when I gave my first blowjob -- I picked the victim and insisted he let me -- and it surprised me that he didn't believe it was my first: part of it was that it turned out to be fun, and part was that I "instinctively" gulped & swallowed. When it hits the front of the tongue you get the taste & consistency, when it blasts into the back of the throat it's gagging time, but there's a sweet spot right in the middle of the tongue where you can swallow easily without really tasting or registering it. But I only gave a handful of BJs to completion so I claim no expertise.

One thing I don't understand is "facials," eye-shots, bukake or especially pissing on the person afterward: it seems the intent is to degrade the cocksucker, while as far as I'm concerned getting my cock sucked is a favor to be grateful for, especially when I don't have to beg, buy dinner or pay.

Naturally it blew my mind when some guy picked me up in Oklahoma City and insisted on paying me to blow me, which struck me then as rather backward. It's not so hard to understand now that I'm "mature" but it's still kind of sad.

Anyway, like I said, blowing me is doing me a favor. I'm not averse to paying when I can afford it, but it is better with someone who does it for fun. However, and this is important, it displeases me when somebody expects ...


Ewww. Just Ewwww!
 
2013-02-13 09:21:55 PM

Snotty1: The One True TheDavid: FizixJunkee:

P.S. Always swallow. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

I don't really care where the damn cum goes. I don't recall ever being blown by a guy who didn't swallow, but it seems like another guy thing I just don't get. Men are weird.

Most of my female partners didn't like the taste or the consistency and I can't say I blame them....

 Ewww. Just Ewwww!


Wait, your handle is Snotty1 and you don't like blow job stories? Something about the consistency of the prose bothers you?
 
2013-02-13 09:44:55 PM

The One True TheDavid: FizixJunkee:

P.S. Always swallow. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

I don't really care where the damn cum goes. I don't recall ever being blown by a guy who didn't swallow, but it seems like another guy thing I just don't get. Men are weird.

Most of my female partners didn't like the taste or the consistency and I can't say I blame them, so my usual practice was to keep a wad of tissue handy and catch it in that. But one of my hardest orgasms was when I spared the chick the yuckiness at the last split-second and directed it out into the room: I swear it spurted about 3 feet, copiously. This made me dizzy and I fell over. (No "substances" were involved.)

I was 15 when I gave my first blowjob -- I picked the victim and insisted he let me -- and it surprised me that he didn't believe it was my first: part of it was that it turned out to be fun, and part was that I "instinctively" gulped & swallowed. When it hits the front of the tongue you get the taste & consistency, when it blasts into the back of the throat it's gagging time, but there's a sweet spot right in the middle of the tongue where you can swallow easily without really tasting or registering it. But I only gave a handful of BJs to completion so I claim no expertise.

One thing I don't understand is "facials," eye-shots, bukake or especially pissing on the person afterward: it seems the intent is to degrade the cocksucker, while as far as I'm concerned getting my cock sucked is a favor to be grateful for, especially when I don't have to beg, buy dinner or pay.

Naturally it blew my mind when some guy picked me up in Oklahoma City and insisted on paying me to blow me, which struck me then as rather backward. It's not so hard to understand now that I'm "mature" but it's still kind of sad.

Anyway, like I said, blowing me is doing me a favor. I'm not averse to paying when I can afford it, but it is better with someone who does it for fun. However, and this is important, it displeases me when somebody expects ...


I think I came in my mouth a little.
 
2013-02-13 09:48:11 PM

Skyd1v: I barely have enough time keeping one woman's likes, dislikes, birthday, name, and food allergies straight.  I'm supposed to take on a second one as well?

I don't *think* so...


A-f@cking-men

/my laziness ensures my fidelity
 
2013-02-13 10:07:18 PM

kimwim: IgG4: kimwim: My ex did that. Bought her the same heart shaped box of chocolates he got me. That's how I found out. She had to show me. They're married now. Ask me if they're happy.

Are they happy?

They are not happy. It's glorious. As my mother used to say, revenge is a dish best eaten cold.


Are you happy?
 
2013-02-13 10:11:17 PM

Soymilk: kimwim: IgG4: kimwim: My ex did that. Bought her the same heart shaped box of chocolates he got me. That's how I found out. She had to show me. They're married now. Ask me if they're happy.

Are they happy?

They are not happy. It's glorious. As my mother used to say, revenge is a dish best eaten cold.

Are you happy?


When the salt is poured into the wound of the beast of carthage who ripped my heart like a wet napkin, and the blood flows freely from the rib cage like that of a butchered cow, I drink that blood, and savor the saltiness of the wound and use the tears as moisturizer!  That is my cool glass of water on a summer day.  Their misery gives me strength and joy.  I need no inner pleasure or happiness, for their anguish is my fuel!!

/celebrating valentines alone.
 
2013-02-13 10:12:30 PM
How did a thread about decent, hardworking mistresses get so gay?
 
2013-02-13 10:52:44 PM

blatz514: IamAwake: Smeggy Smurf: As soon as she moves to this city it's going to be like having two wives but without the doubled up sexy time

I suspect it will change the frequency, however.  Which direction - is up to you.

What's The Frequency?


I keep asking Kenneth but he never gets back to me on that one.
 
2013-02-13 11:11:46 PM
...otherwise known as "Ass Wednesday"
 
2013-02-14 01:09:43 AM

Smeggy Smurf: Skyd1v: I barely have enough time keeping one woman's likes, dislikes, birthday, name, and food allergies straight.  I'm supposed to take on a second one as well?

I don't *think* so...

My sister-in-law is about to be widowed.  As soon as she moves to this city it's going to be like having two wives but without the doubled up sexy time.  I'm going to throw a pity party next year if I'm still alive


Just ask your wife if she minds you helping out her sister in the Big O department.
 
2013-02-14 09:44:10 AM

Fano: Gothnet: What's a male mistress called?

And can we have our day on the 15th? That's when I'm seeing my soon to be married woman.

cavalier was one term

A priest's mistress is a parnel


i47.tinypic.com

You don't say...
 
2013-02-14 09:56:01 AM
Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"shiat Ron, how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go ?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who ?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Gray' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!
She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes !
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So . . . . here I am !
 
2013-02-14 11:46:59 AM
How do you know if a married woman is interested?  That's the kind of mistress I'm looking for.

/really
 
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