If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(ABC)   40 minutes of raunchy phone sex played in court. Greatest. Murder trial. EVER   (abcnews.go.com) divider line 24
    More: Amusing, phone sex  
•       •       •

10439 clicks; posted to Main » on 13 Feb 2013 at 11:22 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


Archived thread
2013-02-13 11:43:24 AM
31 votes:
When I was thirteen, my best friend started dating this older chick.  They started having sex regularly, which meant the only time he had for me was a few minutes during first lunch to tell me all the crazy things she would do.  He'd always ask me, "You ever had a chick do that?"  He knew I'd never even gotten my skinny dick out of my pants.  He just liked to rub it in that he was getting some and I wasn't.

I wanted to have a story to tell, so I decided to call one of the sex lines advertised in the back of the City Paper.  I stole my dad's credit card information, thinking that I could deny it and the bank would forgive the charges like they did when someone charged $3500 worth of auto parts to my mom's card.

I got the numbers off the card, waited until they were gone for the night, and then settled in with my loving bottle of lube and a warm washcloth.  I called up and got a hot sounding chick, who was a true professional - aggressive, loud, filthy dirty, and who kept putting me on hold every time it sounded like I was about to bust.  Unaware, the minutes were flying by.

Hearing her talk so dirty, I got a rush of temporary confidence.  I started saying all kinds of stuff: "You like it up the tits, honey?  You like it right up the tits?"  Whatever that meant.  "I want to come in your hair and rub it in like shampoo."  That's attentive.  "You ever come so hard you shiat your pants, sweetie?  I can make you thinner."  I was possessed and loving it.

Finally, after an hour or so, I'd rubbed my dick so raw with the wash cloth that I faked an orgasm just so I could hang up.  She begged me to call back later because, as she claimed, she'd never talked to anyone like me before.  I was a stallion.

Well, two weeks later, the credit card bill came.  That little call cost roughly $700.  And the bill line wasn't discrete: "1-900-HOT-SEXX Adult Entertainment."  My dad was livid, but didn't suspect me right off the bat.  He called the credit card company to dispute the charge.  The bank investigated, contacted the phone sex operator, who then miraculously produced, for all parties involved, the recording of the conversation.  I was in my bedroom, listening through the air vent, while my dad played it for my mom in the basement.  It was all my slick lines, consummated with my bellowing, dramatic orgasm.

My parents were laughing so hard that my mom threw up.  I still to this day have never lived it down - every birthday card I get has a twenty dollar bill in it with a little note encouraging me to enjoy some phone sex, "on them."  I had to get a job at McDonald's, which really sucked because one night we got robbed and I watched my manager lady get shot in the face, point blank, brains all over the coffee pot and shake machine.  Trauma breeds trauma I guess.

So yeah, stay away from phone sex lines, and encourage your children to do the same.
2013-02-13 10:07:10 AM
11 votes:

somedude210: being told you sound like a 12-year-old getting off or doing so in front of your mother and sister?


i.imgur.com
2013-02-13 08:54:41 AM
8 votes:
"I'm going to tie you to a tree and put it in your ass,"

wait...put the tree in her ass? Cause how can you do that if you're tied to it? THESE ARE IMPORTANT QUESTIONS, PEOPLE!!!!
2013-02-13 09:12:53 AM
7 votes:
"You're pretty, you're so attractive," Alexander said later. "I've never seen you look bad in my life. There are times when you've looked miserable and I've still, like, raped you."

And people say romance is dead.
2013-02-13 11:40:13 AM
5 votes:
I put on my robe and wizard hat...
2013-02-13 11:40:09 AM
5 votes:
The judge was probably thinking, 'boy it's a good thing i never wear anything under this robe, now it's gonna pay off!'
2013-02-13 12:10:21 PM
4 votes:

spentmiles: When I was thirteen, my best friend started dating this older chick.  They started having sex regularly, which meant the only time he had for me was a few minutes during first lunch to tell me all the crazy things she would do.  He'd always ask me, "You ever had a chick do that?"  He knew I'd never even gotten my skinny dick out of my pants.  He just liked to rub it in that he was getting some and I wasn't.

I wanted to have a story to tell, so I decided to call one of the sex lines advertised in the back of the City Paper.  I stole my dad's credit card information, thinking that I could deny it and the bank would forgive the charges like they did when someone charged $3500 worth of auto parts to my mom's card.

I got the numbers off the card, waited until they were gone for the night, and then settled in with my loving bottle of lube and a warm washcloth.  I called up and got a hot sounding chick, who was a true professional - aggressive, loud, filthy dirty, and who kept putting me on hold every time it sounded like I was about to bust.  Unaware, the minutes were flying by.

Hearing her talk so dirty, I got a rush of temporary confidence.  I started saying all kinds of stuff: "You like it up the tits, honey?  You like it right up the tits?"  Whatever that meant.  "I want to come in your hair and rub it in like shampoo."  That's attentive.  "You ever come so hard you shiat your pants, sweetie?  I can make you thinner."  I was possessed and loving it.

Finally, after an hour or so, I'd rubbed my dick so raw with the wash cloth that I faked an orgasm just so I could hang up.  She begged me to call back later because, as she claimed, she'd never talked to anyone like me before.  I was a stallion.

Well, two weeks later, the credit card bill came.  That little call cost roughly $700.  And the bill line wasn't discrete: "1-900-HOT-SEXX Adult Entertainment."  My dad was livid, but didn't suspect me right off the bat.  He called the credit card company to dispute the charg ...


dude, if you didn't have TF already, I would've sponsored your ass so hard, your eyes would see detroit
2013-02-13 09:18:53 AM
4 votes:

somedude210: wait...put the tree in her ass? Cause how can you do that if you're tied to it? THESE ARE IMPORTANT QUESTIONS, PEOPLE!!!!


There's more than one tree in the world, duh. He obviously was going to tie her to ONE tree and them put ANOTHER tree in her ass.
2013-02-13 12:46:15 PM
3 votes:
"I'm going to tie you to a tree and put it in your ass,"

Don't care how much they tease for the reboot. If it doesn't have Bruce Campbell, I'm not watching it.
2013-02-13 11:40:21 AM
3 votes:
Would the court recorder please read back from the transcript:
"Fapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfap"
2013-02-13 11:27:53 AM
3 votes:
What were the other 38 minutes for?
2013-02-13 09:58:35 AM
3 votes:
She seems like she'd be perfect for dirty conjugal visitation sex. Plus the idea of dating a girl who can't possibly drop by unannounced has always kind of appealed to me.
2013-02-13 09:32:58 AM
3 votes:
FTFA: her voice on the recording could be heard moaning and her mother and sister listened from the front row of the court room gallery....Eventually, Arias orgasms, and Alexander tells her, "You sound like a 12 year old having an orgasm, that's so hot, like little girl."....."You're bad, you make me feel so dirty," Arias responded.

Wow. There's awkward, and then there's A-W-K-W-A-R-D.
2013-02-13 01:48:25 PM
2 votes:

spentmiles: I had to get a job at McDonald's, which really sucked because one night we got robbed and I watched my manager lady get shot in the face, point blank, brains all over the coffee pot and shake machine.


i.imgur.com
2013-02-13 11:50:17 AM
2 votes:

spentmiles: When I was thirteen, my best friend started dating this older chick.  They started having sex regularly, which meant the only time he had for me was a few minutes during first lunch to tell me all the crazy things she would do.  He'd always ask me, "You ever had a chick do that?"  He knew I'd never even gotten my skinny dick out of my pants.  He just liked to rub it in that he was getting some and I wasn't.

I wanted to have a story to tell, so I decided to call one of the sex lines advertised in the back of the City Paper.  I stole my dad's credit card information, thinking that I could deny it and the bank would forgive the charges like they did when someone charged $3500 worth of auto parts to my mom's card.

I got the numbers off the card, waited until they were gone for the night, and then settled in with my loving bottle of lube and a warm washcloth.  I called up and got a hot sounding chick, who was a true professional - aggressive, loud, filthy dirty, and who kept putting me on hold every time it sounded like I was about to bust.  Unaware, the minutes were flying by.

Hearing her talk so dirty, I got a rush of temporary confidence.  I started saying all kinds of stuff: "You like it up the tits, honey?  You like it right up the tits?"  Whatever that meant.  "I want to come in your hair and rub it in like shampoo."  That's attentive.  "You ever come so hard you shiat your pants, sweetie?  I can make you thinner."  I was possessed and loving it.

Finally, after an hour or so, I'd rubbed my dick so raw with the wash cloth that I faked an orgasm just so I could hang up.  She begged me to call back later because, as she claimed, she'd never talked to anyone like me before.  I was a stallion.

Well, two weeks later, the credit card bill came.  That little call cost roughly $700.  And the bill line wasn't discrete: "1-900-HOT-SEXX Adult Entertainment."  My dad was livid, but didn't suspect me right off the bat.  He called the credit card company to dispute the charg ...


This very well may be the best post I've ever read on Fark.
2013-02-13 11:48:23 AM
2 votes:

Bslim: spentmiles: When I was thirteen, my best friend started dating this older chick.  They started having sex regularly, which meant the only time he had for me was a few minutes during first lunch to tell me all the crazy things she would do.  He'd always ask me, "You ever had a chick do that?"  He knew I'd never even gotten my skinny dick out of my pants.  He just liked to rub it in that he was getting some and I wasn't.

I wanted to have a story to tell, so I decided to call one of the sex lines advertised in the back of the City Paper.  I stole my dad's credit card information, thinking that I could deny it and the bank would forgive the charges like they did when someone charged $3500 worth of auto parts to my mom's card.

I got the numbers off the card, waited until they were gone for the night, and then settled in with my loving bottle of lube and a warm washcloth.  I called up and got a hot sounding chick, who was a true professional - aggressive, loud, filthy dirty, and who kept putting me on hold every time it sounded like I was about to bust.  Unaware, the minutes were flying by.

Hearing her talk so dirty, I got a rush of temporary confidence.  I started saying all kinds of stuff: "You like it up the tits, honey?  You like it right up the tits?"  Whatever that meant.  "I want to come in your hair and rub it in like shampoo."  That's attentive.  "You ever come so hard you shiat your pants, sweetie?  I can make you thinner."  I was possessed and loving it.

Finally, after an hour or so, I'd rubbed my dick so raw with the wash cloth that I faked an orgasm just so I could hang up.  She begged me to call back later because, as she claimed, she'd never talked to anyone like me before.  I was a stallion.

Well, two weeks later, the credit card bill came.  That little call cost roughly $700.  And the bill line wasn't discrete: "1-900-HOT-SEXX Adult Entertainment."  My dad was livid, but didn't suspect me right off the bat.  He called the credit card company to dispute the charge.  The bank investigated, contacted the phone sex operator, who then miraculously produced, for all parties involved, the recording of the conversation.  I was in my bedroom, listening through the air vent, while my dad played it for my mom in the basement.  It was all my slick lines, consummated with my bellowing, dramatic orgasm.

My parents were laughing so hard that my mom threw up.  I still to this day have never lived it down - every birthday card I get has a twenty dollar bill in it with a little note encouraging me to enjoy some phone sex, "on them."  I had to get a job at McDonald's, which really sucked because one night we got robbed and I watched my manager lady get shot in the face, point blank, brains all over the coffee pot and shake machine.  Trauma breeds trauma I guess.

So yeah, stay away from phone sex lines, and encourage your children to do the same.

Wow.

Just. Wow.


Who predicted this story would end with someone getting shot in the face?

Wow is right.
2013-02-13 11:37:44 AM
2 votes:
...and twice on Arbor Day.
2013-02-13 06:18:37 PM
1 votes:

Nanuk-the White Bear: Quick questions - who recorded this? And why?


And why is this part of the trial?

And what is her FARK  handle again?
2013-02-13 02:13:39 PM
1 votes:
More like testimoaning amirite?!?
2013-02-13 01:05:05 PM
1 votes:

NightOwl2255: In case TTIWWOP, NSFW pics of Miss Arias.


In an attempt to insult the woman's labia, one of the commenters in the linked thread posted a picture of a roast beef sandwich. However, the sandwich looks supremely delicious.
2013-02-13 12:18:12 PM
1 votes:

somedude210: "I'm going to tie you to a tree and put it in your ass,"

wait...put the tree in her ass? Cause how can you do that if you're tied to it? THESE ARE IMPORTANT QUESTIONS, PEOPLE!!!!


That little birch had it coming
2013-02-13 11:47:17 AM
1 votes:
The long, meandering conversations ends with the pair singing a variety of songs, including the National Anthem, together until Alexander falls asleep.

isn't that how they used to sign off on television stations years ago?
2013-02-13 11:44:15 AM
1 votes:

Bslim: Would the court recorder please read back from the transcript:
"Fapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfap"


One more outburst like that and I'll clear the courtroom!
2013-02-13 11:32:24 AM
1 votes:
Mormons are sooooooo kinky
 
Displayed 24 of 24 comments

View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


This thread is archived, and closed to new comments.

Continue Farking
Submit a Link »






Report