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The Dark Secrets of Thomas Alva Edison

1. He enjoyed cat-boxing but at first he tried to get his engineers to box each other for food, but they slapped like little girls. Nicholas Tesla was a first-rate (if feather weight) boxer, but got bored of beating up nerds and geeks and took a swing at Edison, and that was the end of Nicholas Tesla.

2. Edison electrocuted an elephant as propaganda against Westinghouse's alternating current, which could carry electricity over much greater distances and was a threat to Edison's direct current. He enjoyed it so much that he became addicted to electrocuting big game. The African elephant population dropped mysteriously from 19,000,000 in the XIXth century to 190,000 in 1902.

3. Edison was a bit of a Momma's boy but the real reason he invented the light bulb was to illuminate pornography and exotic dancing displays such as the popular French can-can.

4. Edison insisted that the purpose of the electric phonograph was to record business conversations and notes and had to be be slapped around by Nicholas Tesla before he would admit to the possibility of recording music and educational lectures on his machine. He insisted to his death that the phonograph was the businessman's best friend after a cheap French floozie doing the can-can with no underwear.

5. Edison was very quick to put his name on anything his stable of engineers came up with. He has thousands of patents, but he was lazy, stupid, greedy, and mean. In fact, he only came up with a better filament for the light bulb (which had already been invented) by trial and error. A Chimpanzee could have done the job.

6. Edison had a pet chimpanzee named Mr. Bubbles. This chimpanzee was a direct ancestor of Michael Jackson's pet, Bubbles, as well as Ronald Reagan's co-star, Bonzo. Mr. Bubbles was the second smartest "man" in the Edison operation after Nicholas Tesla (in reality, however, Bubbles was not a man, but a girl). Unfortanately he pulled Edison's left arm off and was sold to P.T. Barnum who shaved him and fooled people into believing that he was the Head of the U.S. Patent Office.

It is a well-kept secret (until now), but Bubbles made several of Edison's most famous inventions (minus the phonograph and the light bulb). Unfortunately, not only did he not get the credit that was his due, but his great-great grandson, Bonzo, very closely missed becoming the GOP nominee for President in 1980. He was rejected only because he was, in chimp years, even older than Reagan, albeit still less demented.

7. Edison's left arm was fake. He had numerous attachments he could fix to it for different purposes. Among these was a ruler, a protractor, a French sex toy with an ostrich feather and various odd devices, a cork-screw, and a device which Edison invented for opening champagne bottles without the cork flying into your eye. This turned out to be the rubber band. Which had already been invented. By a French golden-crested macaque in 1843 in the municipal zoo of the City of Paris.

TESLA RULES

In before "But Tesla...."

jigger: Edison was the worst kind of shiatbag.

I'm gonna put that on a tshirt.

Deep Contact: You know who else was a dick was JP Morgan.

Yeah, but she was great on The Gong Show.

MrSin666: My girlfriend can't fight but you should see her box.

We have......

Hard to find an animated gif small enough to satisfy Fark.

CraicBaby: TESLA RULES

Cat boxing, you say?

Why hasn't Cat Boxing caught on?   It is much more interesting than boxing or cats separately.