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(Cracked)   Many movies have characters that die, but here are six you didn't know died a horrible and painful death   (cracked.com) divider line 76
    More: Interesting, Battlestar Galactica, Cylons, William Adama, Technicolor, New Nation, Whoopi Goldberg  
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18388 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 10 Feb 2013 at 3:54 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-02-10 11:51:12 AM  
The BSG one is just stupid. Of course all the characters died over the 150,000 year span before the epilogue.

Except for the two characters actually in the epilogue. Which invalidates the "every single character dies" line, doesn't it?

/not going to spoil anything by talking about who...or what...those characters are
 
2013-02-10 02:57:54 PM  
I realized the other day that Simba chased that little chameleon away from the safety of the only tree in the canyon moments before the wildebeest stampede. That chameleon was trampled to death offscreen.
 
2013-02-10 03:20:10 PM  
All of the BSG people became immortal and still live in the land of Lameendia.
 
2013-02-10 04:16:45 PM  
And remember the part where the Joker kindly lets Lau out of the pile before pouring gasoline everywhere? No, you don't, because that didn't happen. Yeah, that guy is toast.

I know this because I paid a modicum of attention to the movie.
 
2013-02-10 04:20:55 PM  

Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener: And remember the part where the Joker kindly lets Lau out of the pile before pouring gasoline everywhere? No, you don't, because that didn't happen. Yeah, that guy is toast.

I know this because I paid a modicum of attention to the movie.


Yeah, this.
 
2013-02-10 04:22:01 PM  
...The BSG survivors almost certainly died of disease and famine within a few years of their arrival - there was no indication that there were enough farmers among them to start enough farms to support their groups.  They might have downloaded info on farming from their computers before heading down, but that would have been information based on the Colonial planets, not Earth.  No idea of what the seasons were like, zero idea of what the fauna was like (and no weapons to stop them with), and zero immunity to some really spectacular diseases means that twelve to eighteen months later the handful of remaining survivors spent their last days hunting down Lee Adama and/or desecrating his mortal remains.  If the Centurions ever returned, they probably figured, "Screw it - they're not worth the effort."

Oh, and the implication - IMHO - seems to be that the 'mitochondrial Eve' mentioned in the epilogue is Hera.

/So say...well, me, anyways
 
2013-02-10 04:32:00 PM  
I thought Amelia Earhart was found in the attic.  Damn you, Cracked!
 
2013-02-10 04:32:26 PM  
A few of these were REALLY stretching it.  Pointless article is pointless.
 
2013-02-10 04:41:20 PM  
AtlanticCoast63:
Oh, and the implication - IMHO - seems to be that the 'mitochondrial Eve' mentioned in the epilogue is Hera.

/So say...well, me, anyways


It wasn't implied, it was straight up stated during the epilogue.
 
2013-02-10 04:42:24 PM  
Number 1 was crap.

Because things closer look bigger doesn't mean they are bigger.

Look I can put the moon between my forefinger and thumb.


/I crush your head.
 
2013-02-10 04:52:41 PM  

AtlanticCoast63: ...The BSG survivors almost certainly died of disease and famine within a few years of their arrival - there was no indication that there were enough farmers among them to start enough farms to support their groups.  They might have downloaded info on farming from their computers before heading down, but that would have been information based on the Colonial planets, not Earth.  No idea of what the seasons were like, zero idea of what the fauna was like (and no weapons to stop them with), and zero immunity to some really spectacular diseases means that twelve to eighteen months later the handful of remaining survivors spent their last days hunting down Lee Adama and/or desecrating his mortal remains.  If the Centurions ever returned, they probably figured, "Screw it - they're not worth the effort."

Oh, and the implication - IMHO - seems to be that the 'mitochondrial Eve' mentioned in the epilogue is Hera.

/So say...well, me, anyways


So, wait.

Since they couldn't have survived in such small numbers, they must have passed on their DNA through breeding with the cavemen/women. I'm trying my hardest not to picture this.

Sounds like some gooooood fan-fiction.
 
2013-02-10 04:57:35 PM  

Spanky McStupid: I thought Amelia Earhart was found in the attic.  Damn you, Cracked!


Pretty sure that was Helen Keller....
 
2013-02-10 04:57:51 PM  
On the theory of what might happen if they ever made a fourth alien movie:  According to the wiki the 'impact' warning was actually 'impact with atmosphere' not 'impact with ground' and the explosion of what might be a huge ship in this theoretical movie wouldn't actually be four thousand KM across but a much more reasonable size for the 3KM length it might have been.  Either way I don't think it'd be a good idea and they should just leave it at three movies.


quatchi: Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener: And remember the part where the Joker kindly lets Lau out of the pile before pouring gasoline everywhere? No, you don't, because that didn't happen. Yeah, that guy is toast.

I know this because I paid a modicum of attention to the movie.

Yeah, this.


Thirded.
 
2013-02-10 05:03:56 PM  

mrlewish: Number 1 was crap.

Because things closer look bigger doesn't mean they are bigger.

Look I can put the moon between my forefinger and thumb.


/I crush your head.


Yea, it was a detonation in the upper edge of the atmosphere which is why there's no land or cloud distortion during the explosion.
 
2013-02-10 05:21:34 PM  
I still don't buy that the entirety of the fleet in BSG went along with "We don't need no tools, electricity, or ready-made shelters.  Let's just throw it all into the sun."
 
2013-02-10 05:35:08 PM  

recoil47: A few of these were REALLY stretching it.  Pointless article is pointless.


A concise summation of every Cracked link
 
2013-02-10 05:35:08 PM  

BumpInTheNight: On the theory of what might happen if they ever made a fourth alien movie:  According to the wiki the 'impact' warning was actually 'impact with atmosphere' not 'impact with ground' and the explosion of what might be a huge ship in this theoretical movie wouldn't actually be four thousand KM across but a much more reasonable size for the 3KM length it might have been.  Either way I don't think it'd be a good idea and they should just leave it at three movies



Are we pretending that one of the Alien movies didn't exist?  Because Alien Resurrection is the fourth one.

And as for the ending, duh, after being screwed over worse by her fellow man than the xenomorphs for four long movies, clone Ripley by this point was like, "fark humanity, let it burn as long as the bugs don't live".
 
2013-02-10 06:02:18 PM  
The Dark Knight/Lau entry... wow. They might as well have included the presumed 2 out of 3 Gamble henchmen who were killed during the "tryouts". Just because we're not implicitly shown or told what happens, we know exactly what happened.

Thanks, Cracked.
 
2013-02-10 06:02:29 PM  
In The Rescuers Down Under Cody and his pals apparently left all those caged critters to dehydrate and starve to death!
 
2013-02-10 06:03:10 PM  

Uncle Pooky: The Dark Knight/Lau entry... wow. They might as well have included the presumed 2 out of 3 Gamble henchmen who were killed during the "tryouts". Just because Even though we're not implicitly shown or told what happens, we know exactly what happened.

Thanks, Cracked.


FTFM.
 
2013-02-10 06:26:27 PM  
I pretty well knew about 5 of the 6.

 I assumed Simba killed the hyenas that fought back and drove out the rest to die in the wasteland. Eating them isn't so suprising. Hello! Lions!

 BSG is debateable. They were our genetic ancestors so something of them had to  survive. Fail point

If Mrs. Gulch isn't dead then the family loses the farm since Toto didn't die.

OK missed that one but it is true

Duh, burning a guy alive isn't very PG-13 but he was on top of the pile the Joker set ablaze

Resurrection sucked ass. Either the writers failed to notice the whole ELE ending or the point was "kill everyone rather than let them be used as incubators by the aliens". I could see that mindset by Ripley though. Where killing everyone was preferable to letting the Aliens win after all she had been through.
 
2013-02-10 06:27:19 PM  

flaminio: Spanky McStupid: I thought Amelia Earhart was found in the attic.  Damn you, Cracked!

Pretty sure that was Helen Keller....


Exactly.  Amelia Earhart was the one who founded the Red Cross.
 
2013-02-10 06:28:47 PM  

Peter von Nostrand: recoil47: A few of these were REALLY stretching it.  Pointless article is pointless.

A concise summation of every Cracked link


Seconded.
 
2013-02-10 06:31:33 PM  

AtlanticCoast63: ...The BSG survivors almost certainly died of disease and famine within a few years of their arrival - there was no indication that there were enough farmers among them to start enough farms to support their groups.  They might have downloaded info on farming from their computers before heading down, but that would have been information based on the Colonial planets, not Earth.  No idea of what the seasons were like, zero idea of what the fauna was like (and no weapons to stop them with), and zero immunity to some really spectacular diseases means that twelve to eighteen months later the handful of remaining survivors spent their last days hunting down Lee Adama and/or desecrating his mortal remains.  If the Centurions ever returned, they probably figured, "Screw it - they're not worth the effort."

Oh, and the implication - IMHO - seems to be that the 'mitochondrial Eve' mentioned in the epilogue is Hera.

/So say...well, me, anyways


I think BSG really screwed up the timeline for the arrival at Earth. They really should have placed it around the end of the Neolithic Age, and had the surviving Colonists becoming the gods of myth imparting their wisdom to humanity. Tigh and Ellen becoming Odin and Frigga when they travel to the north with Tyrol, Helo, "Athena", and Apollo go to the Mediterranean and teach the Greeks, etc. It would have been a much stronger and less bleak ending if the timeline had been better thought out.
 
2013-02-10 06:54:51 PM  

Mad_Radhu: AtlanticCoast63: ...The BSG survivors almost certainly died of disease and famine within a few years of their arrival - there was no indication that there were enough farmers among them to start enough farms to support their groups.  They might have downloaded info on farming from their computers before heading down, but that would have been information based on the Colonial planets, not Earth.  No idea of what the seasons were like, zero idea of what the fauna was like (and no weapons to stop them with), and zero immunity to some really spectacular diseases means that twelve to eighteen months later the handful of remaining survivors spent their last days hunting down Lee Adama and/or desecrating his mortal remains.  If the Centurions ever returned, they probably figured, "Screw it - they're not worth the effort."

Oh, and the implication - IMHO - seems to be that the 'mitochondrial Eve' mentioned in the epilogue is Hera.

/So say...well, me, anyways

I think BSG really screwed up the timeline for the arrival at Earth. They really should have placed it around the end of the Neolithic Age, and had the surviving Colonists becoming the gods of myth imparting their wisdom to humanity. Tigh and Ellen becoming Odin and Frigga when they travel to the north with Tyrol, Helo, "Athena", and Apollo go to the Mediterranean and teach the Greeks, etc. It would have been a much stronger and less bleak ending if the timeline had been better thought out.


By that time in the series the writers had long since given up any semblance of thinking out their storylines and plot points.
 
2013-02-10 06:55:02 PM  
I kinda forgot about Lau, so I guess I forgot he got killed that way.  Joker was talking in a normal voice the rest of the scene, shoulda been talking louder to drown out the screaming chinaman.  Of which I thought there were a billion.

Amy Adam's ass in that Amelia Earhart outfit was redonk though.
 
2013-02-10 06:57:01 PM  

BumpInTheNight: Either way I don't think it'd be a good idea and they should just leave it at three movies.


What are you talking about? There were only two Alien movies made.
 
2013-02-10 06:57:35 PM  
Didn't RTFA.  Is Vic Morrow's character from The Twilight Zone on there?

/Aisle seat, please
 
2013-02-10 07:03:05 PM  
Digitalstrange:  BSG is debateable. They were our genetic ancestors so something of them had to  survive. Fail point.

www.coverbrowser.com


Negative, Ghost Rider.
 
2013-02-10 07:03:47 PM  

Krieghund: The BSG one is just stupid. Of course all the characters died over the 150,000 year span before the epilogue.

Except for the two characters actually in the epilogue. Which invalidates the "every single character dies" line, doesn't it?

/not going to spoil anything by talking about who...or what...those characters are


Yeah, I got to that one and, combined with the "Lion King" entry, realized that this was ne of "those" Cracked  lists... God, it's like they have hard deadlines to meet, regardless of the quality of content. Of course all of the BSG people died.

Is the rest of the crappy list any better?
 
2013-02-10 07:07:39 PM  

Ed Grubermann: BumpInTheNight: Either way I don't think it'd be a good idea and they should just leave it at three movies.

What are you talking about? There were only two Alien movies made.


I'm counting AVP because everyone likes a good popcorn munching session. :P
 
2013-02-10 07:15:34 PM  

NeoCortex42: I still don't buy that the entirety of the fleet in BSG went along with "We don't need no tools, electricity, or ready-made shelters.  Let's just throw it all into the sun."


I would have much preferred a Firefly tie in at the end.

The beginning of Firefly shows a fleet with what I assume with people from U.S. and Chinese cultures fleeing Earth in ships that I assume that can get up to relativistic speeds (with some sort of large war going on in the background) They assume Earth destroyed.  They go for a while in their ships at relativistic speeds and many thousands of years pass outside (Lots of time dilation). Of course they eventually find a really good multiple star system far far away and establish colonies  etc. and of course this civilization assumes that nothing can go faster then light etc. with all the history that goes along with the Firefly universe.

This gives a chance for the BSG universe with its history and the discovery and loss and rediscovery of FTL the Cylon cycles colonization and destruction of Kobold with all the relevant messes. Their story occurs closer to the Earth so that at the end of the series they can match up temporally.

I imagine River Tam influencing (mentally) Star Buck and somehow guiding the fleet to safety. And a showdown between the bad Cylons and "the Alliance" unexpectedly the Alliance does quite well (different tech trees and all that) with the reluctant help of the Galactica which lures much of the bad Cylon fleet into a trap with an Alliance fleet. (they found a lot more humans and are really panicked and pissed so come in in a blind rage)   Now that the Serenity universe knows there is FTL and with help from the BSG they acquire that knowledge.  The left over brown coats and people that feel suppressed by the alliance can now make exodus. The Alliance has to come to terms with this, plus they are the only group large enough to hold off the bad Cylons. The good Cylons help to get rid of the "men in blue" with their mental Jujitsu.
 
2013-02-10 07:17:38 PM  
The Wizard of Oz one only makes sense if you discount the "it was all just a dream" ending of the film.
 
2013-02-10 07:20:49 PM  

mrlewish: NeoCortex42: I still don't buy that the entirety of the fleet in BSG went along with "We don't need no tools, electricity, or ready-made shelters.  Let's just throw it all into the sun."

I would have much preferred a Firefly tie in at the end.

The beginning of Firefly shows a fleet with what I assume with people from U.S. and Chinese cultures fleeing Earth in ships that I assume that can get up to relativistic speeds (with some sort of large war going on in the background) They assume Earth destroyed.  They go for a while in their ships at relativistic speeds and many thousands of years pass outside (Lots of time dilation). Of course they eventually find a really good multiple star system far far away and establish colonies  etc. and of course this civilization assumes that nothing can go faster then light etc. with all the history that goes along with the Firefly universe.

This gives a chance for the BSG universe with its history and the discovery and loss and rediscovery of FTL the Cylon cycles colonization and destruction of Kobold with all the relevant messes. Their story occurs closer to the Earth so that at the end of the series they can match up temporally.

I imagine River Tam influencing (mentally) Star Buck and somehow guiding the fleet to safety. And a showdown between the bad Cylons and "the Alliance" unexpectedly the Alliance does quite well (different tech trees and all that) with the reluctant help of the Galactica which lures much of the bad Cylon fleet into a trap with an Alliance fleet. (they found a lot more humans and are really panicked and pissed so come in in a blind rage)   Now that the Serenity universe knows there is FTL and with help from the BSG they acquire that knowledge.  The left over brown coats and people that feel suppressed by the alliance can now make exodus. The Alliance has to come to terms with this, plus they are the only group large enough to hold off the bad Cylons. The good Cylons help to get rid of the "men in blue" wi ...


Not sure if trolling, joking, or really horrible fanfic...
 
2013-02-10 07:36:25 PM  

Flappyhead: Peter von Nostrand: recoil47: A few of these were REALLY stretching it.  Pointless article is pointless.

A concise summation of every Cracked link

Seconded.


Thirded. Posting a link to the tvtropes "Fridge Horror" page would have been better and faster.

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php /Main/FridgeHorror
 
2013-02-10 07:36:50 PM  
The internet has farking ruined movies.  There was once a thing called story telling, and as long as a story was internally consistent and entertained people didn't go over them with a fine tooth comb and pick out every (not so obvious flaw) with them.  Yes, it is funny when someones tie is tied and untied in different shots or they drive the wrong way on a one way street but this kind of nitpicking ruins the experience of being presented a good story.
 
2013-02-10 07:41:33 PM  

llort dam eht: The internet has farking ruined movies.  There was once a thing called story telling, and as long as a story was internally consistent and entertained people didn't go over them with a fine tooth comb and pick out every (not so obvious flaw) with them.  Yes, it is funny when someones tie is tied and untied in different shots or they drive the wrong way on a one way street but this kind of nitpicking ruins the experience of being presented a good story.


Nerds, nerds ruined movies.  Specifically the nerds that watched startrek.

a4.ec-images.myspacecdn.com
 
2013-02-10 07:47:42 PM  
Well since we're on the topic of Amy Adams playing Amelia Earhart, I'm just gonna leave these here:

willitsuck.files.wordpress.com

i.imgur.com

the-frat-pack.com


/crappy article was crappy
 
2013-02-10 08:14:30 PM  
I was just watching The Simpsons Movie this weekend with the kids and realized....hey what happened to Spider Pig?
 
2013-02-10 08:18:16 PM  
Well hell, they don't show the Ark of the Covenant in the crate at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark... and now I JUST DON'T KNOW!  HELP ME, CRACKED!
 
2013-02-10 08:21:12 PM  

NeoCortex42: I still don't buy that the entirety of the fleet in BSG went along with "We don't need no tools, electricity, or ready-made shelters.  Let's just throw it all into the sun."


I don't know why people have such a problem with this. If I had been on that ship for the last 5 years or so and I got to go check out some pretty planet, I guarantee you I would never look back. People were killing each other, killing themselves, drinking themselves to death because they had to look at the same faces every day with little hope of ever seeing anything new.

You couldn't be fired from your job no matter how bad you screwed up because you're the only one who knows how to do it. Your superiors are aware of this also. It's only a matter of time before someone or something breaks down bad enough to doom everyone. They were absolutely trapped and would have jumped at any chance to do something different. Just look at that crappy New Caprica. They couldn't wait.

Anyway, I've clearly given this waaaay too much thought.
 
2013-02-10 08:30:37 PM  

Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener: And remember the part where the Joker kindly lets Lau out of the pile before pouring gasoline everywhere? No, you don't, because that didn't happen. Yeah, that guy is toast.

I know this because I paid a modicum of attention to the movie.


Yeah, ditto. If you didn't realize he was burned alive, you suck at paying attention to very obvious things.
 
2013-02-10 08:30:44 PM  

LDM90: NeoCortex42: I still don't buy that the entirety of the fleet in BSG went along with "We don't need no tools, electricity, or ready-made shelters.  Let's just throw it all into the sun."

I don't know why people have such a problem with this. If I had been on that ship for the last 5 years or so and I got to go check out some pretty planet, I guarantee you I would never look back. People were killing each other, killing themselves, drinking themselves to death because they had to look at the same faces every day with little hope of ever seeing anything new.

You couldn't be fired from your job no matter how bad you screwed up because you're the only one who knows how to do it. Your superiors are aware of this also. It's only a matter of time before someone or something breaks down bad enough to doom everyone. They were absolutely trapped and would have jumped at any chance to do something different. Just look at that crappy New Caprica. They couldn't wait.

Anyway, I've clearly given this waaaay too much thought.


I'm not saying I wouldn't be thrilled to leave the ship for good and live on the planet, but I sure as hell wouldn't launch every bit of technology into the sun. I'd at least hold onto a microwave and the recipe for hot pockets.
 
2013-02-10 09:04:18 PM  

Ed Grubermann: Digitalstrange:  BSG is debateable. They were our genetic ancestors so something of them had to  survive. Fail point.

[www.coverbrowser.com image 420x695]

Negative, Ghost Rider.


I had tree-of-life root once.  It didn't do much for me.
 
2013-02-10 09:09:50 PM  

NeoCortex42: I'm not saying I wouldn't be thrilled to leave the ship for good and live on the planet, but I sure as hell wouldn't launch every bit of technology into the sun. I'd at least hold onto a microwave and the recipe for hot pockets.


Not to mention the tech for building Tricia Heller sex bots.
 
2013-02-10 09:10:30 PM  
Helfer, I mean.
 
2013-02-10 09:37:25 PM  

quatchi: Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener: And remember the part where the Joker kindly lets Lau out of the pile before pouring gasoline everywhere? No, you don't, because that didn't happen. Yeah, that guy is toast.

I know this because I paid a modicum of attention to the movie.

Yeah, this.


Yeah, how was this even a surprise? C'mon Cracked. I expect better from you.
 
2013-02-10 10:06:29 PM  

Ghastly: quatchi: Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener: And remember the part where the Joker kindly lets Lau out of the pile before pouring gasoline everywhere? No, you don't, because that didn't happen. Yeah, that guy is toast.

I know this because I paid a modicum of attention to the movie.

Yeah, this.

Yeah, how was this even a surprise? C'mon Cracked. I expect better from you.


Yeah, I thought that was obvious.  The Joker took Lau when he busted out of jail, and tied him to the top of the pile.
 
2013-02-10 10:07:26 PM  
How many more years before we've completely dissected Wizard of Oz because it seems like we still haven't figured out that whole movie.
 
2013-02-10 10:10:46 PM  

jaylectricity: How many more years before we've completely dissected Wizard of Oz because it seems like we still haven't figured out that whole movie.



Time-traveling members of Pink Floyd wrote it but had to return to their present before it was done.
 
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