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(NBC News)   Lutheran minister formally apologizes for taking part in prayer vigil for the victims of the Sandy Hook Massacre-because there were also clerics of other faiths also praying at the service, and you know, Jesus just HATES that   (usnews.nbcnews.com) divider line 46
    More: Asinine, Lutherans, hate, Jewish faith, Lutheran pastor  
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9101 clicks; posted to Main » on 07 Feb 2013 at 2:03 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


Archived thread
2013-02-07 12:20:15 PM  
28 votes:
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!"
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

--Emo Phillips
2013-02-07 02:10:47 PM  
13 votes:
There were forty religious representatives there.

That's as many as four tens, and that's terrible.
2013-02-07 02:17:21 PM  
9 votes:
I'm an atheist, and I  love religion. I really do! And I don't love religion in a snarky, mean-spirited way. I unabashedly, sincerely love that we have religion because, if we didn't, we wouldn't be here right now. Being all post-modern and ironic. There'd be no civilization! If no one had been in religion, we'd be farked right now.

Because, at the dawn of man, civilization was ... the biggest and the strongest. And that's as far as we were gonna go. It was whoever was the biggest farked, killed, ate anything they wanted. That was it! Civilization was a huge psychopath with a club goin', "I'm gonna have rape fer dinner." That was it! That's as far as we were gonna go!

And then, one of my ancestors, some  weakling, said, "Look, there's no way I can beat that guy. But what if I  trick him into thinking that if he doesn't kill and rape people while he's down here, when he dies, there's a magic city in the clouds, and he can go up and have all the cake he wants?!"

Now, that's not a very well-formed plan, but he went and told the big psycho, and the psycho heard that, and said, "Yeah, I like cake." BOOM! There ya go! That was the beginning of civilization. Now we can work on fire and writing and agriculture. That's religion! It's the old sky cake dodge. It worked!

But ... and, by the way, things were great for awhile. But then, what was happening was, that shiat was going on all over the planet. Then we just used different desserts. They would tell 'em about sky cookies or sky pie or sky baklava. So, as each of these civilizations grew, they built ships, they'd go visit each other, and the one guy would walk off the boat and go, "Hey, did ya hear the good news about the sky baklava?" And the first guy went,  "IT'S CAKE, MOTHERFARKER, YER DEAD!"

And then, oh my God, there were the Dessert Wars, it was a nightmare. They were just killin' people. It got so bad that, every now and then, some dude would show up and go, "Hey, got good news! There's cake and pie and cookies, for EVERYONE, we can all share!" And people said, "NAIL HIM TO A FARKIN' CROSS! IT IS  ONLY CAKE! OH MY GOD! THE ONLY WAY SKY CAKE TASTES GOOD IS IF, UP IN THE SKY, THE SKY COOKIE AND SKY PIE PEOPLE CAN'T HAVE THE SKY PIE!  THAT'S THE ONLY WAY SKY CAKE TASTES GOOD! I DID NOT SPEND MY LIFE  NOT RAPING AND KILLING PEOPLE TO NOT GO UP IN THE SKY AND HAVE CAKE!

SKY CAKE!"

So the next time you see some douchebags in front of an abortion clinic, or trying to ban a  Harry Potter novel, just go, "Oh, Sky Cake.  Why are you so delicious?!"
2013-02-07 02:52:51 PM  
5 votes:

Snarcoleptic_Hoosier: Raised in Missouri Synod. Practicing Deist. 'Nuf Said


How does one practice deism?

"Oh vague, disinterested, disconnected, unknown, possible creator of the universe, please continue to ignore my prayers..."
2013-02-07 02:30:45 PM  
4 votes:
i174.photobucket.com
2013-02-07 02:14:16 PM  
4 votes:

give me doughnuts: If you want lemon bars, stay home on Sunday and make your own.


You could even have a party.
2013-02-07 02:31:21 PM  
3 votes:
randalrauser.com
2013-02-07 02:28:48 PM  
3 votes:
www.turnbacktogod.com


Dad smites this Rob Morris guy on his way to the church this morning, and he gets here all confused wondering what's happened. I decided to meet him myself at the pearly gates. So anyway, he starts to walk in, and I'm all like, 'woah there Rob, I'm not sure you should be hanging with a Jew like me'. Long story short, I have Saint Peter tell him to go to hell.
2013-02-07 01:54:36 PM  
3 votes:

tallguywithglasseson: CSB, my (imaginary Canadian) girlfriend was brought up in a Missouri Synod Lutheran Church.
She switched to Evangelical Lutheran Church in America (ELCA), which despite the common connotation of "evangelical", is quite liberal.

Now when she visits home & goes to her parents' church (also her former church), she isn't allowed to take communion.

Apparently the Missouri and Wisconsin synods are pretty far right. I'd had no idea about any of this Lutheran stuff before.


Many ELCA folks are't too fond of the "evangelical" pejorative thrown around these days as a synonym for right-wing fundies.  Of course, to an ELCA Lutheran, A Prairie Home Companion is evangelizing.
2013-02-07 03:50:15 PM  
2 votes:
Missouri Synod?

I'm surprised Pastor Harrison didn't tear out his heart and offer it to Kali before lowering him into their central lava pit for this offense.
2013-02-07 03:17:14 PM  
2 votes:

Rev. Skarekroe: I could go for some coffee and lemon bars...


DIE HERETIC! (Which is German for "The heretic!")
2013-02-07 02:45:57 PM  
2 votes:

GoodyearPimp: OminousAnonymous: Anybody want to come to my house for Kahlua coffee and "special" lemon bars?  I am starting a new religion where everyone has to be nice to each other.  That's the only rule.

Are we talking cyanide/Jim Jones "special", or chronic/Snoop Lion "special"?


I've got a really good Jonestown joke, but the punchline it just too damn long.
2013-02-07 02:40:14 PM  
2 votes:

Voiceofreason01: Yep, called it: Missouri Synod



The Missouri Synod Luthern Church:  We're better than you.  Just ask us!
2013-02-07 02:35:35 PM  
2 votes:

you have pee hands: I .... um... have a hard time reading this as a point in favor of this "no joint worship" rule.



Dude, he's Lutheran, not Rasta.
2013-02-07 02:27:16 PM  
2 votes:
Just remember all you humans:

rlv.zcache.com
2013-02-07 02:20:33 PM  
2 votes:
I grew up Lutheran.  We had a gay choir director who regularly brought his partner to church and this was back in the 80s. Very liberal church.  We even did a Jewish Sedar in bible study to celebrate passover to learn about the commonalities of different religions.  We learned about Catholocism and other Protestant religions in very respectful manner.  The thing is, I had never heard of the Missouri Synod until I was grown up.  I'm convinced that the Missouri Synod is that crazy relative your parents sit you down when your 20 and say: "you know how we said you didn't have any aunts or uncles..."
2013-02-07 01:47:18 PM  
2 votes:
This is why Lutherans can't have nice things!
This will teach them to worship Lex Luther.
2013-02-07 12:24:59 PM  
2 votes:
I could go for some coffee and lemon bars...
2013-02-07 10:18:45 PM  
1 votes:

Frederick: trappedspirit: Cometh! You bastard. Cometh! He didn't say let's all hold hands and respect these other religions. He said He was THE way. If you think you can just mix and meld religions together to get some foo-foo spiritual feeling going and that's going to do squat about the truth then you must/should be stoned.

So you interpret that as not needing to respect other religions?

Jesus said "I am the way" and to you that means fark all others.


If you are trying to get to Las Vegas, and a street had a sign that said, "This way to Las Vegas", how long would you ponder on that?  Jesus said,  "No man cometh unto the Father, but by me."  I don't think that's ambiguous.  Doesn't need some philosophy major with a flow chart to understand that message.  It doesn't say, fark all others, it says, all others are farked.
2013-02-07 04:55:06 PM  
1 votes:

George Babbitt: I believe that agnostics aren't sure of what the truth is but would like to know, apatheists don't know and don't care.


I can't speak for anyone else, but my apatheism was born out of being so goddamned tired of the same metaphysical arguments being made - can god microwave a burrito so hot he can't eat it, and all that - that, kind of like Jefferson, I set out to remove the metaphysics from the philosophy on my own terms.

What I'm left with is a moral-philosophical code that I can follow while cooking bacon on Saturday morning.

"Not caring" implies that I (or "we" in a general sense) simply chose to abandon the code, rather than come to the realization that IF I ever have to account for my life, I will make damn sure I can respond "I have lived it in the service of mankind" without lying. How many times I went to services will, IMO, be useless next to the number of times I cheered someone up. Making sure I have a mezuzah on every doorpost is far less important than making sure anyone who walks through my door as a guest feels as at home as in their own home.

// dunno if you meant it that way, but it sure sounded like you were coming close the the "immoral atheist" fallacy
2013-02-07 04:43:26 PM  
1 votes:

Waldo Pepper: Hey look it is another anti Christian tread on fark where all the farkers who have tickets to hell get to show off how little they know about God


Meanwhile, posts like yours tell us all we need to know about christians.

upload.wikimedia.org
/i can has ticket plz?
2013-02-07 04:06:54 PM  
1 votes:

pciszek: Deucednuisance: More like "meeting with people who believe in the exact same invisible sky daddy, but their fan club has slightly different by-laws".

There are Christians who would vehemently deny that Christians, Muslims, and Jews worship the same god.  I have also encountered Jews who hold this position, and I suspect there are Muslims who would also.  Hell, this guy's Missouri Synod probably does not recognize Catholics as worshiping the same god.


Somebody needs to nail this to the guy's church door.  Maybe 95 times.

i307.photobucket.com
2013-02-07 03:40:39 PM  
1 votes:
Worst Prarie Home Companion skit ever
2013-02-07 03:28:29 PM  
1 votes:
Because hating your neighbor is more important than children's souls.
2013-02-07 03:24:45 PM  
1 votes:

George Babbitt: Mark 12:29-30 ""The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength."


Kind of ironic, then, that one of the first major acts of the New Christianity was to split god into three (and that's Deuteronomy 6:8-9, IIRC).

// I thought the Christians translated that as "...the lord our god, the lord ALONE" to avoid that weirdness
2013-02-07 03:08:27 PM  
1 votes:

GoodyearPimp: OminousAnonymous: Anybody want to come to my house for Kahlua coffee and "special" lemon bars?  I am starting a new religion where everyone has to be nice to each other.  That's the only rule.

Are we talking cyanide/Jim Jones "special", or chronic/Snoop Lion "special"?


I had assumed it was roofie "special" with an unspoken "Wink wink, nudge nudge" after "be nice to each other".
2013-02-07 02:53:31 PM  
1 votes:
www.column10.com

He did WHAT?
2013-02-07 02:52:02 PM  
1 votes:
Someone needs to nail some theses on the  Missouri Synod's front door.
2013-02-07 02:51:22 PM  
1 votes:

Earguy: You know that bumper sticker that says, "God said it, I believe it, that settles it"?

Too many people have taken it too seriously.


http://www.jhuger.com/kissing-hanks-ass
2013-02-07 02:48:13 PM  
1 votes:

Voiceofreason01: Yep, called it: Missouri Synod


ELCA Lutherans are totally different. I grew up in an ELCA Lutheran church family and we actually pooled our youth group with a temple and a mosque so we could have enough kids to field a hockey team against the Roman Catholics.
2013-02-07 02:43:28 PM  
1 votes:
Raised in Missouri Synod. Practicing Deist. 'Nuf Said
2013-02-07 02:40:36 PM  
1 votes:

ManRay: Thou Shalt Have No Other Gods Before Me.


I've always wondered about that commandment. Isn't that Old Testament God admitting that there are other gods out there flying around?
2013-02-07 02:39:59 PM  
1 votes:

OminousAnonymous: Anybody want to come to my house for Kahlua coffee and "special" lemon bars?  I am starting a new religion where everyone has to be nice to each other.  That's the only rule.


Are we talking cyanide/Jim Jones "special", or chronic/Snoop Lion "special"?
2013-02-07 02:36:21 PM  
1 votes:

Abe Vigoda's Ghost: [www.turnbacktogod.com image 800x684]


Damn, there sure are a lot of white people in that picture depicting life in the MIDDLE EAST 2000 years ago.  But then again, they all seem to do that.
2013-02-07 02:24:29 PM  
1 votes:

d23: Make "Christianity" the official religion in the U.S. and immediately the fight changes to "what type."

This is why the separation is in the constitution.  And don't tell me it's not there, either...


Not sure if serious
www.lutecium.org
Or Freudian slip
2013-02-07 02:20:52 PM  
1 votes:

ko_kyi: There were forty religious representatives there.

That's as many as four tens, and that's terrible.


That made me laugh a whole lot.
2013-02-07 02:19:42 PM  
1 votes:
skywriter2012.files.wordpress.com

\apologies are the new Black
\\except for the one in the White House
2013-02-07 02:17:57 PM  
1 votes:

d23: Sass-O-Rev: Earguy: You know that bumper sticker that says, "God said it, I believe it, that settles it"?

Too many people have taken it too seriously.

So very much, "this."

Not only that.. but it's the Bible that said it, not God.


Maybe the person with the sticker has aural hallucinations on a regular basis.
2013-02-07 02:09:19 PM  
1 votes:
First thought "Who knew Lutherans were such jerks?"

Second thought (after reading further): "Oh, those Missouri dudes."
2013-02-07 01:51:05 PM  
1 votes:
CSB, my (imaginary Canadian) girlfriend was brought up in a Missouri Synod Lutheran Church.
She switched to Evangelical Lutheran Church in America (ELCA), which despite the common connotation of "evangelical", is quite liberal.

Now when she visits home & goes to her parents' church (also her former church), she isn't allowed to take communion.

Apparently the Missouri and Wisconsin synods are pretty far right. I'd had no idea about any of this Lutheran stuff before.
2013-02-07 01:45:19 PM  
1 votes:

hinten: I wonder what Luther would say about this.


That they're killing him softly?

userserve-ak.last.fm
2013-02-07 01:36:49 PM  
1 votes:
He's going to burn in Hell alongside Hitler and Gandhi.
2013-02-07 12:31:04 PM  
1 votes:
Lutherans?

In any other country they are the most liberal libs that ever religioned.

I wonder what Luther would say about this.
2013-02-07 12:25:04 PM  
1 votes:
Kyosuke:
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

--Emo Phillips


Awww, it's so sad because it's often so true.

/at least the Lutheran Church of America is still OK
2013-02-07 12:16:21 PM  
1 votes:
Christian freedom!

Whoa! Don't go too far with that
2013-02-07 12:12:42 PM  
1 votes:
Have the crazies gotten to the Lutherans, too? They used to be just about coffee and lemon bars. Fark religion.
 
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