Do you have adblock enabled?
 
If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(Huffington Post)   From the "This is why we can't have nice things" desk: 45% of Americans say they believe in ghosts   (huffingtonpost.com ) divider line
    More: Asinine, Americans, real ghosts, dead people  
•       •       •

4150 clicks; posted to Main » on 02 Feb 2013 at 6:16 PM (3 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


Archived thread
2013-02-02 06:49:51 PM  
8 votes:

ItchyMcDoogle: Not saying I believe in ghosts but when you get around my age if you have not seen one or two things you cant explain then sucks for you.


I know, right?  Any time I encounter something I don't understand or can't explain, I attribute it to ghosts.  For example, I don't entirely understand how an internal combustion engine works; therefore, it is powered by ghosts and anyone who denies it is a smug, closed-minded bastard.

/If your car won't start, it's because all the ghosts got out.
2013-02-02 06:25:41 PM  
8 votes:

ecmoRandomNumbers: Don't believe in ghosts, but have seen weird shiat.


Have you tried getting more fiber in your diet?
2013-02-02 06:43:11 PM  
7 votes:
99% of all hauntings are cats.
2013-02-02 03:21:41 PM  
7 votes:
Were they paying respondents? You'll get differing answers if you do that.

media.screened.com
2013-02-02 09:30:49 PM  
6 votes:

St_Francis_P: It is one of the more harmless beliefs. Not many people have been killed over ghosts, nor does belief in ghosts trash the political process.


Here's the truth about ghosts... everyone has one, but most of the time they pass harmlessly away into the afterlife.  However, that's only when a human dies slowly, where their subconscious has a chance to come to grips with what is happening to them.  When they die quickly - such as when someone is shot in the head - their subconscious rips itself apart from their physical bodies.  Now, they're actually quite invisible, but because a person's subconscious imprints itself on others around it just as much as their actions, their physical form, and so on, sometimes people will "see" the ghost.  It's actually just their own subconscious creating the illusion of the person being there.

Now, unfortunately, these ghosts can't dissipate until they can be made to understand their nature, and, of course, that can't happen under any normal circumstances because they lack the conscious, corporeal brain with which to process information.  They float on through the world aimlessly, interacting only when they recognize something and react to it on instinct.  This is why they sometimes turn chairs in the middle of the night - because they have sat in that spot (even if not that chair) countless times before.

Because it's so hard to make ghosts dissipate, the world is rather full of them, and getting more crowded every day.  For millions of years, ghosts didn't appear because death happened slowly - but as technology has improved, so has our ability to snuff out the body's physical processes quickly enough to create a disembodied spirit.  This is why ghost sightings are increasingly common - and will continue to be.  If ghosts keep appearing unmitigated, they might eventually cause birth rates to drop completely - when a ghost is present, the incoming soul of the newborn cannot find its home, and the child dies, the child spirit is unable to become carnate.

We desperately need to slow the rate of spirit emissions before global carnate change occurs.  To do so, we must ban all gun sales immediately!
2013-02-02 08:03:44 PM  
6 votes:
A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks,
'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied, "Sh**t, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
2013-02-02 06:47:48 PM  
5 votes:

sharpie_69: Rufus Lee King: How is everyone so sure that there aren't ghosts?

How is everyone so sure there isn't a tiny invisible man who watches over your anus as night?


Don't be so rude.

I'm neither tiny or invisible.
2013-02-02 06:41:40 PM  
5 votes:

sharpie_69: Rufus Lee King: How is everyone so sure that there aren't ghosts?

How is everyone so sure there isn't a tiny invisible man who watches over your anus as night?


You leave Mr. Pillow Pants out of this!
vpb [TotalFark]
2013-02-02 03:27:31 PM  
5 votes:
They make great cheese, try some Chevre some time.

I'll bet they are a biatch to milk though.
2013-02-02 03:19:41 PM  
5 votes:

ecmoRandomNumbers: Don't believe in ghosts, but have seen weird shiat.


I've always wanted to see one, but never have. The strangest thing I've seen is my mom answer the phone before it rang. Twice. Each time it was my brother calling. She claimed she did it all the time. I was seriously wondering if she weighed more than a duck.
2013-02-02 09:09:36 PM  
4 votes:
Where I used to live there was an old iron ore mine back in the woods, that rumor had it was haunted. A few friends and I went there one night and we indeed heard an inexplicable sound coming from deep within the mine. A few nights later we returned with a large spool of string to use so we could find our way out. After working up the courage we crept into the mine armed only with some flashlights, glow sticks and the aforementioned spool of string.

Turns out it was only a dragon.
2013-02-02 06:29:58 PM  
4 votes:

ItchyMcDoogle: Came for the smug leaving with a years supply of smug after only 22 posts.

Not saying I believe in ghosts but when you get around my age if you have not seen one or two things you cant explain then sucks for you.



"I can't explain everything I've seen, therefore the souls of the dead remain walking the earth in eternal torment, bound and imprisoned on this physical plane, forever seeking atonement for their sins and forgiveness that will never come!"

Sounds perfectly reasonable, anyone who doesn't accept that simple syllogism must be just smug.
2013-02-02 03:40:55 PM  
4 votes:

vpb: They make great cheese, try some Chevre some time.

I'll bet they are a biatch to milk though.


i105.photobucket.com
Nicholas Cage
in
Goat Rider

2013-02-03 12:42:33 AM  
3 votes:
2013-02-02 09:08:12 PM  
3 votes:
My job is not to care about those 45 percent

redgreenandblue.org

/voted for the guy, but too easy
2013-02-02 07:53:54 PM  
3 votes:
I grew up with television in the 50's, so yes, I believe in ghosts.
2013-02-02 07:20:28 PM  
3 votes:

bin_smokin: More people believe in ghosts than aliens.  This is because the majority is predominantly religious and most religions either promote or do not preclude the existince of ghosts.

Personally, I only believe that aliens have ghosts.


Are you a Scientologist?
2013-02-02 06:35:07 PM  
3 votes:
I don't believe in anything paranormal or pseudoscientific.

But I love the legends and oral traditions around this stuff.  It's entertaining and I've been on a few ghost hunts and stayed the night in a "haunted" hotel room.  Nothing turned up, but it was still fun.  Same reason why I love the UFO stuff, Bigfoot and Republican social policy.
2013-02-02 06:34:17 PM  
3 votes:

Tatterdemalian: I don't believe in ghosts as surviving spirits of people whose bodies have died, because they never seem to act appropriately.


If I were a ghost I'd definitely spend all my time in girls' locker rooms. Can ghosts jerk off?
2013-02-02 06:30:35 PM  
3 votes:
I don't believe in ghosts as surviving spirits of people whose bodies have died, because they never seem to act appropriately. By which I mean, act how people typically act when given the slightest chance of not being retaliated against. They're always trying to keep people away from their property, or trying to get people to do things they tried but failed to accomplish before they died so they can "rest in peace," instead of waving their phantasmal genitalia around, invading large parties for the purpose of dry-humping the guests of honor, and otherwise trying to get away with things they didn't dare do when they were alive.

/I do, however, believe in ghosts as imaginary entities we conjure up to comfort ourselves with the possibility of having a second chance after we die
//imagination can kill you if you let it, but it can also save your life if you understand it
2013-02-02 06:20:18 PM  
3 votes:
encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com
2013-02-02 04:46:13 PM  
3 votes:

Godscrack: Why do ghost's always have clothes on?

Why aren't there more reports of dinosaur ghosts?


The government always hushes it up.
2013-02-02 04:38:55 PM  
3 votes:
Why do ghost's always have clothes on?

Why aren't there more reports of dinosaur ghosts?
2013-02-03 12:53:23 AM  
2 votes:
Three cheers for Subby for starting a great thread.

Repo Man:  Getting angry at skeptics does nothing to strengthen your case.


It actually strengthens their case quite a bit, just in the opposite way.

I love ghosts and cryptids, I read everything I can get my  hands on (I'm not a believer, if anything I'm a debunker).  I've come up with one flaw in ghost sightings  that even the most ardent believer can't defend: Location, Location, Location. Every good ghost story is about a haunted theatre, haunted old hotel, haunted cemetery etc. I've never heard one about a haunted tanning salon, haunted Midas Muffler, haunted TGIFridays. Every old theatre is supposedly haunted but I've never read about a haunted H and R Block. Lots of haunted houses but very few haunted timeshares. Not many haunted IHOPs.

If male ghosts existed, the number of sightings at strip clubs would be through the roof. Same with women's locker rooms, golf courses, football stadiums and bars. This is especially true when someone dies away from home and is never brought home, only to the funeral home etc. If a ghost can figure out how to get home, isn't he going to stop by the strip club first? The golf course?
2013-02-03 12:47:16 AM  
2 votes:

zepillin: gimmegimme: xevian: ecmoRandomNumbers: Don't believe in ghosts, but have seen weird shiat.
 
My time as a security guard doing grave shifts. I can say I have so many stories of unexplained things happening, and two that can't be explained away.

You're absolutely right.  You can't explain what happened, so it must be ghosts.

ghosts is a loaded term
kinda like Jesus
and just about as accurate


Worst haiku ever.
2013-02-02 07:48:32 PM  
2 votes:

Amos Quito: gimmegimme: Prank Call of Cthulhu: TreeHugger: Like the time two of my friends had very specific dreams about the same event happening to me, a traumatic occurrence that led to my taking a plane flight.  And a week later it happened just as prophesied.  Nothing I had previously told them could possibly have clued them in, and anyway I had no idea that it was coming.  And the details they told me were fulfilled exactly.  You can't explain that!

Last year, I had an incredibly vivid dream in which my father died. In the dream, I was informed by a phone call late at night. I hardly ever remember dreams, but that one I remembered, because it seemed so real. Two nights later, just as we were about to go to bed, the phone rang. Out of nowhere, the thought, "My father is dead" flashed through my head. I answered the phone and, sure enough...

...it was a wrong number. My dad is still alive.

If it had happened the other way, I might have been inclined to believe something supernatural happened.

Coincidences, how do they farking work?

Dude.  You had a prophecy.  It just hasn't been fulfilled yet.  Just you watch.  Someday in the distant future, your father will die.

You're a cruel bastard, you know that?


I can't help it; the spirits bestowed the gift of clairvoyance upon me.
2013-02-02 07:36:29 PM  
2 votes:

Prank Call of Cthulhu: TreeHugger: Like the time two of my friends had very specific dreams about the same event happening to me, a traumatic occurrence that led to my taking a plane flight.  And a week later it happened just as prophesied.  Nothing I had previously told them could possibly have clued them in, and anyway I had no idea that it was coming.  And the details they told me were fulfilled exactly.  You can't explain that!

Last year, I had an incredibly vivid dream in which my father died. In the dream, I was informed by a phone call late at night. I hardly ever remember dreams, but that one I remembered, because it seemed so real. Two nights later, just as we were about to go to bed, the phone rang. Out of nowhere, the thought, "My father is dead" flashed through my head. I answered the phone and, sure enough...

...it was a wrong number. My dad is still alive.

If it had happened the other way, I might have been inclined to believe something supernatural happened.

Coincidences, how do they farking work?


Dude.  You had a prophecy.  It just hasn't been fulfilled yet.  Just you watch.  Someday in the distant future, your father will die.
2013-02-02 07:34:28 PM  
2 votes:

TreeHugger: Like the time two of my friends had very specific dreams about the same event happening to me, a traumatic occurrence that led to my taking a plane flight.  And a week later it happened just as prophesied.  Nothing I had previously told them could possibly have clued them in, and anyway I had no idea that it was coming.  And the details they told me were fulfilled exactly.  You can't explain that!


Last year, I had an incredibly vivid dream in which my father died. In the dream, I was informed by a phone call late at night. I hardly ever remember dreams, but that one I remembered, because it seemed so real. Two nights later, just as we were about to go to bed, the phone rang. Out of nowhere, the thought, "My father is dead" flashed through my head. I answered the phone and, sure enough...

...it was a wrong number. My dad is still alive.

If it had happened the other way, I might have been inclined to believe something supernatural happened.

Coincidences, how do they farking work?
2013-02-02 07:07:29 PM  
2 votes:

Third_Uncle_Eno: I_dig_ChicksSleep paralysis=99% of ghosts.  The other 1% is cats.
what about a cat with sleep paralysis?


That causes quantum entanglement.
2013-02-02 06:53:51 PM  
2 votes:
Americans believe a lot of stupid shiat. Ghosts, UFOs, Angels, that the Earth is flat, that Republicans can govern responsibly, etc.
2013-02-02 06:52:45 PM  
2 votes:
I think it's closer to 47%.
2013-02-02 06:32:43 PM  
2 votes:

Rufus Lee King: How is everyone so sure that there aren't ghosts?


How is everyone so sure there isn't a tiny invisible man who watches over your anus as night?
2013-02-02 06:27:19 PM  
2 votes:
I do believe in spooks, I do believe in spooks, I do, I do, I do, I do believe in spooks
2013-02-02 05:23:38 PM  
2 votes:

Sgygus: Ghost bit my sister.


Thank goodness it was just a ghost.  If an Oompa Loompa bites you, then when the moon is full, you turn into one of them.
wee
2013-02-02 03:17:21 PM  
2 votes:
More than that believe in a god.  Some even believe that this invisible man in the sky will listen to them and do shiat for them.  They live their lives in the context of this imaginary friend advising them.  They give money to people who talk to them about this magical being.

That's far worse than believing in ghosts.
2013-02-03 02:55:39 AM  
1 vote:
Maybe we're living in a virtual simulation set up by aliens or a superpowerful AI and ghosts are just bugs in the system.

Man, I need another bonghit.
2013-02-03 01:49:58 AM  
1 vote:
It's the leap from "Can't explain it" to "Must be ghosts" that is so funny.
2013-02-03 12:14:05 AM  
1 vote:

cgremlin: gimmegimme: Good point.  If I don't understand what happened, I just believe it's "ghosts."  It's the only rational way to go.

I'll put my understanding of science up against yours any day of the week, and twice on Sunday if you want to be snotty about it.


Well, I would accept your challenge, but my aromatherapist, acupuncturist, reflexologist and aural medium already told me that I would win.

Sorry.  =(
2013-02-02 11:35:01 PM  
1 vote:
All of my years of watching Scooby Doo taught me that ghosts are never real, and are always guys in suits who are trying to pull a scam so they can buy real estate for cheap. Though they did often seem to have super strength while they were disguised as whatever apparition they chose for their scam, they were never a match for that intrepid crew of sleuths, with their talking dog and their drug enhanced candies they referred to as "Scooby Snacks".
2013-02-02 10:46:36 PM  
1 vote:

Kit Fister: gimmegimme: Kit Fister: gimmegimme: Slow of Wit: Don't know about ghosts.  Never experienced a ghost.  But, I'd say reality may make room for consciousness to experience  more than what we can verify with the normal senses.  I'd even go so far as to say a proper scientist should keep an open mind to such phenomena -- somewhere in between all the myth and fantasy an ignorance there may be valid experiences that are key to a broader understanding of reality and its hidden or subtle dimensions.

Seriously.  Even though it has never happened before, I COULD happen to meet Kristen Bell at the supermarket and make dirty love to her in my car.  There's no reason for me to believe this CAN'T happen, so I should be open to the possibility, right?

All possible outcomes of all possible situations exist, only the act of observing collapses reality into a specific outcome. Also, if observation is all that determines what reality/dimension/experience we have happen, and all possible outcomes exist in alternate realities, then somewhere in the multiverse, you're having wild, kinky sex with Ms. Bell right now.

Umm...you have no idea how much I want to agree with you.  SADLY, the principles of reason dictate that there's really no point for this version of gimmegimme to believe that he'll ever make sweet, sweet love to this:

Not bad, not my cup of tea (not into the thinner, small boobie types) but not bad. Gimmegimme in reality XJ35791 is a lucky dog!




And in some other alternate, xenomorphs are real, and a very unfortunate Gimmegimme has been facehugged, and is awaiting the terrible final outcome. That would be the unluckiest Gimmegimme.
2013-02-02 10:01:42 PM  
1 vote:
I ain't 'fraid a no ghost.
2013-02-02 08:46:51 PM  
1 vote:
No no, this is the reason we can't get good ectoplasm samples.
2013-02-02 08:41:05 PM  
1 vote:
On behalf of 55% of the population: hahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaahahahahahahahahahahaha
2013-02-02 07:19:22 PM  
1 vote:
More people believe in ghosts than aliens.  This is because the majority is predominantly religious and most religions either promote or do not preclude the existince of ghosts.

Personally, I only believe that aliens have ghosts.
2013-02-02 07:15:15 PM  
1 vote:

Prank Call of Cthulhu: Tatterdemalian: I don't believe in ghosts as surviving spirits of people whose bodies have died, because they never seem to act appropriately.

If I were a ghost I'd definitely spend all my time in girls' locker rooms. Can ghosts jerk off?


That's what I've always said. If ghosts were real, every girls' locker room would be haunted.
2013-02-02 07:14:34 PM  
1 vote:

andyfromfl: In after 'There is no God who behaves how I think it should, therefore there is no God.'


What about "There is no god because the world behaves as though there is no supernatural deity and it's sillypants to believe in something for which there is no evidence."?
2013-02-02 07:11:42 PM  
1 vote:

gryf: I'm almost afraid to admit that I believe in ghosts. But it's cool if you don't. Can we play nice now?


No.

In fact, I think we should round up all your kind and put them in camps or reservations. Never allow the disbelievers and believers to mix blood or contact. Eventually we will become two separate people unable to mix our blood. It is only then that peace will be had. So what say you now?

/got nothing
2013-02-02 06:54:03 PM  
1 vote:
I see dumb people.
2013-02-02 06:51:12 PM  
1 vote:

Ed Grubermann: BillCo: Remember folks, everyone who believes in something you don't is a stupid simpleton. Doesn't matter if it's ghost, religion or global warming.  Don't even get me started on aliens.

If you beleive in something that has no evidence and violates the laws of physics and biology, well you're an idiot. Show me the mechanism by which a ghost can exist.


Explain to me how quantum entanglement works, then you can lecture me on how ghosts can't exist.
2013-02-02 06:49:46 PM  
1 vote:

St_Francis_P: Godscrack: Why do ghost's always have clothes on?

I assume that sucubbi don't wear clothes, since that would be counter-productive.


Sometimes they do. I think it's just to create cleavage, though.

i45.tinypic.com
2013-02-02 06:43:05 PM  
1 vote:

ItchyMcDoogle: Came for the smug leaving with a years supply of smug after only 22 posts.

Not saying I believe in ghosts but when you get around my age if you have not seen one or two things you cant explain then sucks for you.


Tide comes in, tide goes out, can't explain that!
2013-02-02 06:41:15 PM  
1 vote:

Tatterdemalian: jigger: BillCo: Remember folks, everyone who believes in something you don't that isn't real is a stupid simpleton

ftfy

Do you believe in wealth, laws, promises? None of those are real.

/this is why atheist ideologies end up just as insane as religious cults
//they believe in things that aren't real, they just try to change the definition of "real" to suit themselves


And this is where you show you're an idiot.
2013-02-02 06:31:06 PM  
1 vote:

FloydA: ItchyMcDoogle: Came for the smug leaving with a years supply of smug after only 22 posts.

Not saying I believe in ghosts but when you get around my age if you have not seen one or two things you cant explain then sucks for you.


"I can't explain everything I've seen, therefore the souls of the dead remain walking the earth in eternal torment, bound and imprisoned on this physical plane, forever seeking atonement for their sins and forgiveness that will never come!"

Sounds perfectly reasonable, anyone who doesn't accept that simple syllogism must be just smug.


Thank you for saying that in a much more amusing way than I was going to.
2013-02-02 06:27:38 PM  
1 vote:

Zombie DJ: Do your own homework.


STUDY IT OUT.
2013-02-02 06:26:52 PM  
1 vote:
2013-02-02 06:22:06 PM  
1 vote:
Remember folks, everyone who believes in something you don't is a stupid simpleton. Doesn't matter if it's ghost, religion or global warming.  Don't even get me started on aliens.
2013-02-02 05:10:15 PM  
1 vote:
Ghost bit my sister.
2013-02-02 03:36:29 PM  
1 vote:

ecmoRandomNumbers: Don't believe in ghosts, but have seen weird shiat.


Same here.

My previous workplace, a public television station, was allegedly haunted by the ghost of this dude. Part of the studio consisted of Mr. Ray's old movie studio, which dates back to 1920. One of my former cow orkers told me about chatting with a repairman who was doing some work in a small screening theater on the property. The repairman told her that he thought someone had tapped him on the shoulder, but when he turned around, no one was there. She told him, "Oh, that's our resident ghost," and said that he turned pale.

One cow orker who used Mr. Ray's old office mentioned that occasionally he would arrive in the morning to find that various items had been moved to different areas in the room. Weird.

I sometimes wandered around the old studio buildings at night in hopes of seeing the ghost, but never had any luck. I DID encounter an albino skunk one evening (I thought it was a white cat, until it turned around).
2013-02-02 03:07:55 PM  
1 vote:
Don't believe in ghosts, but have seen weird shiat.
 
Displayed 59 of 59 comments

View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


This thread is archived, and closed to new comments.

Continue Farking
Submit a Link »
On Twitter






In Other Media


  1. Links are submitted by members of the Fark community.

  2. When community members submit a link, they also write a custom headline for the story.

  3. Other Farkers comment on the links. This is the number of comments. Click here to read them.

  4. Click here to submit a link.

Report