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(SFGate)   Man kidnaps girl that doesn't exist   (sfgate.com ) divider line
    More: Scary, AMBER Alert  
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14370 clicks; posted to Main » on 01 Feb 2013 at 1:58 PM (3 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



79 Comments     (+0 »)
 
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2013-02-01 02:00:18 PM  
I bet she has leukemia.
 
2013-02-01 02:01:04 PM  
This is the new America.
 
2013-02-01 02:01:22 PM  
I guarantee you that this woman is incredibly hot.

encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com
 
2013-02-01 02:01:23 PM  
Man, fark her. I bet the prison rape won't be made up
 
2013-02-01 02:02:01 PM  
Is the girl's name Bunny Lake?
 
2013-02-01 02:02:10 PM  
the Aristocrats?
 
2013-02-01 02:02:45 PM  
Is she a Dwarf?
 
2013-02-01 02:03:42 PM  
And now he will be drafted by the NFL
 
2013-02-01 02:03:47 PM  
Done in one.
 
2013-02-01 02:04:01 PM  
the other day upon the stair
i kidnapped a girl who wasn't there
she wasn't there again today
her relatives refuse to pay
 
2013-02-01 02:04:06 PM  
It would be hilarious if this guy's last name is Tuttle.
 
2013-02-01 02:04:22 PM  
I'm impressed this didn't end with the police killing him anyway.
 
2013-02-01 02:04:29 PM  
Normally the word who is preferred to the word that when referring to a person, but since she doesn't exist I guess the usage is acceptable in this case.
 
2013-02-01 02:04:35 PM  

KangTheMad: Man, fark her. I bet the prison rape won't be made up



How cute. You think she is going to be charged just for falsely accusing a man of something.

/pinches cheek
 
2013-02-01 02:04:45 PM  
Come to think of it, Amber Alert would be a great porn name.
 
2013-02-01 02:05:06 PM  
Still won't convince the judge to reduce his child-support payments, I'll bet...
 
2013-02-01 02:06:54 PM  

Bill_Wick's_Friend: the other day upon the stair
i kidnapped a girl who wasn't there
she wasn't there again today
her relatives refuse to pay


Thank you for creeping me out.

An original work?
 
2013-02-01 02:07:16 PM  
She wasn't kidnapped.  She eloped to Hawaii.
 
2013-02-01 02:07:19 PM  
dastardly!
 
2013-02-01 02:09:04 PM  
Between this and Te'o, we're looking at the makings of a JJ Abrams series on FOX.

/how do you think the timeline reacts when people are erased from history?
 
2013-02-01 02:09:26 PM  

FarkingReading: I guarantee you that this woman is incredibly hot.


But is she a freak in the sheet

/we've so far proven the freak part, I've got sheets on my bed, i think i can arrange something
 
2013-02-01 02:09:39 PM  

Delawheredad: It would be hilarious if this guy's last name is Tuttle.


M*A*S*H reference?
 
2013-02-01 02:10:02 PM  

alabasterblack: Bill_Wick's_Friend: the other day upon the stair
i kidnapped a girl who wasn't there
she wasn't there again today
her relatives refuse to pay

Thank you for creeping me out.

An original work?


Probably saw Identity recently.
 
2013-02-01 02:10:04 PM  
www.gpb.org>

Wanted for questioning
 
2013-02-01 02:11:40 PM  

alabasterblack: Bill_Wick's_Friend: the other day upon the stair
i kidnapped a girl who wasn't there
she wasn't there again today
her relatives refuse to pay

Thank you for creeping me out.

An original work?


Parody

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_Hughes_Mearns
 
2013-02-01 02:12:20 PM  
cdn.uproxx.com
 
2013-02-01 02:12:55 PM  
Also, is this possible MOTY award?

/oh, wait a secondnever mind
 
2013-02-01 02:13:09 PM  

alabasterblack: Bill_Wick's_Friend: the other day upon the stair
i kidnapped a girl who wasn't there
she wasn't there again today
her relatives refuse to pay

Thank you for creeping me out.

An original work?


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antigonish_(poem">http://en.wikipedia.o rg/wiki/Antigonish_(poem)

Yesterday, upon the stair,
I met a man who wasn't there
He wasn't there again today
I wish, I wish he'd go away...

When I came home last night at three
The man was waiting there for me
But when I looked around the hall
I couldn't see him there at all!
Go away, go away, don't you come back any more!
Go away, go away, and please don't slam the door... (slam!)

Last night I saw upon the stair
A little man who wasn't there
He wasn't there again today
Oh, how I wish he'd go away
 
2013-02-01 02:13:18 PM  
Could be worse. Victoria and Mendell Banks were convicted and sent to prison for murdering their baby who never existed. Fark: She had had a tubal ligation and could not possibly have given birth to the non-child that she didn't murder. They were convicted anyway.
 
2013-02-01 02:13:47 PM  
Dan Marino?
 
2013-02-01 02:14:37 PM  

Frozboz: alabasterblack: Bill_Wick's_Friend: the other day upon the stair
i kidnapped a girl who wasn't there
she wasn't there again today
her relatives refuse to pay

Thank you for creeping me out.

An original work?

Probably saw Identity recently.


First thing I thought of. Awesome movie, IMHO.
 
2013-02-01 02:14:43 PM  

OtherLittleGuy: Between this and Te'o, we're looking at the makings of a JJ Abrams series on FOX.

/how do you think the timeline reacts when people are erased from history?


Yeah! Fringe reference!
 
2013-02-01 02:15:21 PM  

stevejovi: Still won't convince the judge to reduce his child-support payments, I'll bet...


If you supported the non-existent child this long, then the non-existent child has grown accustomed to a certain level of support that must continue to be provided.  And you have already de facto accepted the role of father for the non existent child.

actual feminist/lawyer logic
 
2013-02-01 02:16:03 PM  

truecrimejunkie.com

"FIB MOM DISGUSTS ME!"

 
2013-02-01 02:17:20 PM  

ThrobblefootSpectre: stevejovi: Still won't convince the judge to reduce his child-support payments, I'll bet...

If you supported the non-existent child this long, then the non-existent child has grown accustomed to a certain level of support that must continue to be provided.  And you have already de facto accepted the role of father for the non existent child.

actual feminist/lawyer logic


But what about a feminist lawer?

/hell hath no fury
 
2013-02-01 02:18:54 PM  
Same man later humiliated by a Rolling Tide.
 
2013-02-01 02:22:19 PM  

FarkinHostile: KangTheMad: Man, fark her. I bet the prison rape won't be made up


How cute. You think she is going to be charged just for falsely accusing a man of something.

/pinches cheek


Filing a false felony report is a felony. She's going to get charged with that.
 
2013-02-01 02:22:28 PM  

FarkingReading: alabasterblack: Bill_Wick's_Friend: the other day upon the stair
i kidnapped a girl who wasn't there
she wasn't there again today
her relatives refuse to pay

Thank you for creeping me out.

An original work?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antigonish_(poem">http://en.wikipedia.o rg/wiki/Antigonish_(poem)

Yesterday, upon the stair,
I met a man who wasn't there
He wasn't there again today
I wish, I wish he'd go away...

When I came home last night at three
The man was waiting there for me
But when I looked around the hall
I couldn't see him there at all!
Go away, go away, don't you come back any more!
Go away, go away, and please don't slam the door... (slam!)

Last night I saw upon the stair
A little man who wasn't there
He wasn't there again today
Oh, how I wish he'd go away


It is amazing the imagery and thoughts that can be expressed in such simple words. In the age of streaming video and music it is surprising that (well) written word is still so powerful.
 
2013-02-01 02:23:15 PM  
Vuseen

  Yep its a M*A*S*H reference. One of the all time great episodes Hawkeye and Trapper invent Major Tuttle to send his paycheck and benefits to the local orphanage. And of course his physical description is juicy enough that Hotlips starts lusting after a man who doesn't exist.
 
2013-02-01 02:26:12 PM  

7th Son of a 7th Son: Come to think of it, Amber Alert would be a great porn name.


images.sodahead.com
 
2013-02-01 02:29:06 PM  
In your fase!
 
2013-02-01 02:31:06 PM  
Kinda curious how she escaped a charge for lying to the police...
 
2013-02-01 02:33:52 PM  
wiki.tarantino.info

Unimpressed.
 
2013-02-01 02:35:59 PM  
Don't put your dick in crazy.
 
2013-02-01 02:42:22 PM  
The child exists, but only in the woman's mind.
 
2013-02-01 02:42:23 PM  

FarkingReading: I guarantee you that this woman is incredibly hot.

[encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com image 299x168]


i guarantee you she isn't.  attractive women from east oakland tend to escape east oakland
 
2013-02-01 02:48:46 PM  

No Time To Explain: ThrobblefootSpectre: stevejovi: Still won't convince the judge to reduce his child-support payments, I'll bet...

If you supported the non-existent child this long, then the non-existent child has grown accustomed to a certain level of support that must continue to be provided.  And you have already de facto accepted the role of father for the non existent child.

actual feminist/lawyer logic

But what about a feminist lawer?


You rang?

And as for "actual feminist/lawyer logic," I'm sure Throbblefoot has a citation or quote...? A reputable source? Ah, yes, his ass. It may be good at raising a stink, but as far as truth is concerned, it's full of shiat.
 
2013-02-01 02:55:47 PM  
2.bp.blogspot.com
 
2013-02-01 02:56:45 PM  
This little girl is destined to grow up and date Manti Te'o
 
2013-02-01 02:59:44 PM  

Theaetetus: And as for "actual feminist/lawyer logic," I'm sure Throbblefoot has a citation or quote...? A reputable source? Ah, yes, his ass. It may be good at raising a stink, but as far as truth is concerned, it's full of shiat.


You're not that stupid (completely utterly dishonest, but not that stupid).  So you know full well it is an exact parallel to logic used in courts to impose child support on men for children that aren't theirs.
 
2013-02-01 03:01:58 PM  

asciibaron: the Aristocrats?


shakes tiny fist
 
2013-02-01 03:04:38 PM  

KangTheMad: FarkinHostile: KangTheMad: Man, fark her. I bet the prison rape won't be made up


How cute. You think she is going to be charged just for falsely accusing a man of something.

/pinches cheek

Filing a false felony report is a felony. She's going to get charged with that.


It's California - don't be too sure.  They didn't bother to do anything to the girl in SoCal who accused that football player of rape. Even though he spent 5 years in jail.
 
2013-02-01 03:06:29 PM  

asciibaron: the Aristocrats?


No. It's not The Aristocrats without at four people vomiting, someone defecating on someone else, and, at minimum, three occurrences of incest.

People really need to watch the movie before making this joke.
 
2013-02-01 03:08:53 PM  

ThrobblefootSpectre: Theaetetus: And as for "actual feminist/lawyer logic," I'm sure Throbblefoot has a citation or quote...? A reputable source? Ah, yes, his ass. It may be good at raising a stink, but as far as truth is concerned, it's full of shiat.

You're not that stupid (completely utterly dishonest, but not that stupid).  So you know full well it is an exact parallel to logic used in courts to impose child support on men for children that aren't theirs.


And yet, those children exist. Gosh, I wonder if there's a crucial difference between a child who has rights and something you farted out?
 
2013-02-01 03:17:18 PM  

bruegel: It's California - don't be too sure. They didn't bother to do anything to the girl in SoCal who accused that football player of rape. Even though he spent 5 years in jail.


That's a completely different case. The DA didn't press charges on her because it would be very hard to prove that she was in fact not raped...yes, even though she was on tape saying Banks didn't rape her.

With this, it is much easier to prove that the child does or does not exist.
 
2013-02-01 03:20:31 PM  

Theaetetus: And yet, those children exist. Gosh, I wonder if there's a crucial difference between a child who has rights and something you farted out?


I retract the first statement in my previous post.
 
2013-02-01 03:23:39 PM  

ThrobblefootSpectre: Theaetetus: And yet, those children exist. Gosh, I wonder if there's a crucial difference between a child who has rights and something you farted out?

I retract the first statement in my previous post.


... says the guy claiming that a strawman that relies on fictional children has any validity. Coming from you, your statement is a compliment.
 
2013-02-01 03:28:56 PM  

uncleacid: Dan Marino?


"Dan Marino had a love child with a woman in 2005. They have a lot in common. Neither one has a ring. " Costaki Economopoulos
 
2013-02-01 03:34:16 PM  

Theaetetus: ThrobblefootSpectre: Theaetetus: And as for "actual feminist/lawyer logic," I'm sure Throbblefoot has a citation or quote...? A reputable source? Ah, yes, his ass. It may be good at raising a stink, but as far as truth is concerned, it's full of shiat.

You're not that stupid (completely utterly dishonest, but not that stupid).  So you know full well it is an exact parallel to logic used in courts to impose child support on men for children that aren't theirs.

And yet, those children exist. Gosh, I wonder if there's a crucial difference between a child who has rights and something you farted out?


He was using hyperbole to illustrate an injustice perpetrated in courtrooms across this country every day (by douchebags like you), but you knew that and aren't happy unless you're being a retarded farking contrarian asshole.
 
2013-02-01 03:37:10 PM  
The Fark headline is (possibly) wrong.  The article does not say that the child does not exist.  The woman insists that she and the man did have a child together.  The last line of the article indicates that no child had been kidnapped.  It sounds like the child does exist but was not kidnapped.  If that's the case, then there are 3 possibilities:

1)  The child was in the care of the woman and she made the whole kidnapping thing up from scratch.
2)  The child was in the care of the man and the woman reported it as a kidnapping.
3)  The child was in the care of someone else (at school, day care, with someone else who has custody, etc.) and the woman reported it as the man kidnapping the child.

The story lacks information about the woman, so we don't know if she's crazy or has a lifestyle (ex: heavy drug use, criminal history, etc.) that caused her to lose custody.
 
2013-02-01 03:50:20 PM  
KangTheMad:

FarkinHostile: KangTheMad: Man, fark her. I bet the prison rape won't be made up


How cute. You think she is going to be charged just for falsely accusing a man of something.

/pinches cheek

"Filing a false felony report is a felony. She's going to get charged with that."

Unlikely. This is oakland, where they have decided to no longer take reports on property (among many other "low level") crimes, as the police force is stretched too thin.

More likely, as johnperkins above wrote, there will be no charges filed based on mental incompetence, due to schizophrenia or drug use. But ianal.
 
2013-02-01 04:00:10 PM  

Bender The Offender: Theaetetus: ThrobblefootSpectre: Theaetetus: And as for "actual feminist/lawyer logic," I'm sure Throbblefoot has a citation or quote...? A reputable source? Ah, yes, his ass. It may be good at raising a stink, but as far as truth is concerned, it's full of shiat.

You're not that stupid (completely utterly dishonest, but not that stupid).  So you know full well it is an exact parallel to logic used in courts to impose child support on men for children that aren't theirs.

And yet, those children exist. Gosh, I wonder if there's a crucial difference between a child who has rights and something you farted out?

He was using hyperbole to illustrate an injustice perpetrated in courtrooms across this country every day (by douchebags like you), but you knew that and aren't happy unless you're being a retarded farking contrarian asshole.


Nope, once he said "actual feminist/lawyer logic" then he was insisting it wasn't hyperbole. So, I called him out for his bullshiat strawman. Which led you you white knighting him, which is where we are now. Glad everyone's up to speed.
 
2013-02-01 04:04:40 PM  

Bill_Wick's_Friend: the other day upon the stair
i kidnapped a girl who wasn't there
she wasn't there again today
her relatives refuse to pay


Excellent work. You are now as green as the mighty forests of British Columbia (The giant redwood, the larch, the fir, the mighty scots pine!) for me.
 
2013-02-01 04:05:04 PM  

Theaetetus: Bender The Offender: Theaetetus: ThrobblefootSpectre: Theaetetus: And as for "actual feminist/lawyer logic," I'm sure Throbblefoot has a citation or quote...? A reputable source? Ah, yes, his ass. It may be good at raising a stink, but as far as truth is concerned, it's full of shiat.

You're not that stupid (completely utterly dishonest, but not that stupid).  So you know full well it is an exact parallel to logic used in courts to impose child support on men for children that aren't theirs.

And yet, those children exist. Gosh, I wonder if there's a crucial difference between a child who has rights and something you farted out?

He was using hyperbole to illustrate an injustice perpetrated in courtrooms across this country every day (by douchebags like you), but you knew that and aren't happy unless you're being a retarded farking contrarian asshole.

Nope, once he said "actual feminist/lawyer logic" then he was insisting it wasn't hyperbole. So, I called him out for his bullshiat strawman. Which led you you white knighting him, which is where we are now. Glad everyone's up to speed.


With that kind of "argument" I can only imagine that you, Skinnyhead and Orly Taitz are in practice together.
 
2013-02-01 04:08:23 PM  

Bender The Offender: Theaetetus: Bender The Offender: Theaetetus: ThrobblefootSpectre: Theaetetus: And as for "actual feminist/lawyer logic," I'm sure Throbblefoot has a citation or quote...? A reputable source? Ah, yes, his ass. It may be good at raising a stink, but as far as truth is concerned, it's full of shiat.

You're not that stupid (completely utterly dishonest, but not that stupid).  So you know full well it is an exact parallel to logic used in courts to impose child support on men for children that aren't theirs.

And yet, those children exist. Gosh, I wonder if there's a crucial difference between a child who has rights and something you farted out?

He was using hyperbole to illustrate an injustice perpetrated in courtrooms across this country every day (by douchebags like you), but you knew that and aren't happy unless you're being a retarded farking contrarian asshole.

Nope, once he said "actual feminist/lawyer logic" then he was insisting it wasn't hyperbole. So, I called him out for his bullshiat strawman. Which led you you white knighting him, which is where we are now. Glad everyone's up to speed.

With that kind of "argument" I can only imagine that you, Skinnyhead and Orly Taitz are in practice together.


Huh. You go from white knighting him to practically calling him a liar in just two posts. Well, sir, I may disagree with Throbblefoot, but I take him at his word when he says he thinks something is "actual".
 
2013-02-01 04:12:24 PM  

Russ1642: Don't put your dick in crazy.


And don't give crazy an imaginary baby.
 
2013-02-01 04:22:38 PM  

aphyd: asciibaron: the Aristocrats?

No. It's not The Aristocrats without at four people vomiting, someone defecating on someone else, and, at minimum, three occurrences of incest.

People really need to watch the movie before making this joke.


Chillax pally. A potential reason for using this phrase is that it seems many details are missing from the story.
 
2013-02-01 04:23:12 PM  
FTFA: An Oakland woman triggered a fase Amber Alert on Thursday after accusing an acquaintance with stealing a baby.
 
2013-02-01 04:34:34 PM  

Theaetetus: Bender The Offender: Theaetetus: Bender The Offender: Theaetetus: ThrobblefootSpectre: Theaetetus: And as for "actual feminist/lawyer logic," I'm sure Throbblefoot has a citation or quote...? A reputable source? Ah, yes, his ass. It may be good at raising a stink, but as far as truth is concerned, it's full of shiat.

You're not that stupid (completely utterly dishonest, but not that stupid).  So you know full well it is an exact parallel to logic used in courts to impose child support on men for children that aren't theirs.

And yet, those children exist. Gosh, I wonder if there's a crucial difference between a child who has rights and something you farted out?

He was using hyperbole to illustrate an injustice perpetrated in courtrooms across this country every day (by douchebags like you), but you knew that and aren't happy unless you're being a retarded farking contrarian asshole.

Nope, once he said "actual feminist/lawyer logic" then he was insisting it wasn't hyperbole. So, I called him out for his bullshiat strawman. Which led you you white knighting him, which is where we are now. Glad everyone's up to speed.

With that kind of "argument" I can only imagine that you, Skinnyhead and Orly Taitz are in practice together.

Huh. You go from white knighting him to practically calling him a liar in just two posts. Well, sir, I may disagree with Throbblefoot, but I take him at his word when he says he thinks something is "actual".


" Herpa derpa derpity doo, let me twist your words for you "
Yes, that sounds rational and not completely farking stupid. It seems you have absolutely no ability to extrapolate any meaning beyond the strictly literal. Have you suffered some sort of head injury? I'm going to feel really bad if I'm picking on someone that's got brain tumors or a large nail in their brain.
 
2013-02-01 04:35:44 PM  
I hate fase alarms.  Beware of fase prophets.

/fase
 
2013-02-01 06:09:14 PM  

namegoeshere: Could be worse. Victoria and Mendell Banks were convicted and sent to prison for murdering their baby who never existed. Fark: She had had a tubal ligation and could not possibly have given birth to the non-child that she didn't murder. They were convicted anyway.


Actually they pled guilty.  Guaranteed they were not the brightest people around.  Admit to murder or admit to faking pregnancy to keep out of jail on another charge.
 
2013-02-01 07:35:56 PM  
She should have to spend the rest of her life in the sex offenders database.
 
2013-02-01 09:44:20 PM  
Wow...this thread got stupid. Moving right along
 
2013-02-01 09:54:30 PM  
Wait!  Te'o's girlfriend has been kidnapped now?
 
2013-02-02 01:00:46 AM  
 
2013-02-02 04:07:21 AM  
FTFA: "Hours later the man contacted police, said he had heard officers were looking for him and denied having a child with the woman, said OfficerJohnna Watson, an Oakland police spokeswoman. The woman, whose name has not been released, insisted that the two do have a child together, police said. Investigators determined that no child had been kidnapped. The woman could face charges of filing a false police report, authorities said."


They should do a lot more than that to her.  Why isn't her name being released??!  She just did horrible harm to this man.  She is not an innocent.  She's a criminal.  Lock her ass up, just like if she had been a man.  There should be zero tolerance for the games females play.
 
2013-02-02 04:07:58 AM  

bruegel: KangTheMad: FarkinHostile: KangTheMad: Man, fark her. I bet the prison rape won't be made up


How cute. You think she is going to be charged just for falsely accusing a man of something.

/pinches cheek

Filing a false felony report is a felony. She's going to get charged with that.

It's California - don't be too sure.  They didn't bother to do anything to the girl in SoCal who accused that football player of rape. Even though he spent 5 years in jail.


And that's an outrage.
 
2013-02-02 04:09:44 AM  

Catlike Typist: Here's an article with actual information in it:  http://www.mercurynews.com/breaking-news/ci_22497737/oakland-amber-al e rt-issued-following-abduction-1-year


Lots of information... except for this biatch's name.  They name the fake girl, and the name of the man, but not the woman who made up the story in the first place trying to get him arrested.  Unbelieveable.
 
2013-02-02 06:20:52 PM  

BizarreMan: namegoeshere: Could be worse. Victoria and Mendell Banks were convicted and sent to prison for murdering their baby who never existed. Fark: She had had a tubal ligation and could not possibly have given birth to the non-child that she didn't murder. They were convicted anyway.

Actually they pled guilty.  Guaranteed they were not the brightest people around.  Admit to murder or admit to faking pregnancy to keep out of jail on another charge.


Yes, but they were told they'd be convicted anyway and put to death. The only way to avoid the death penalty was to plead guilty. They were very low IQ and fell for it.
 
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