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(M24 Digital)   "He has convinced us that only God could come into our lives through the mouth," says 23-year-old woman about pastor who claimed his penis had been anointed with the "Holy Spirit divine semen"   (m24digital.com ) divider line
    More: Unlikely, Holy Spirit, god, Pastor Valdecir, Holy Spirit divine, semen  
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22712 clicks; posted to Main » on 31 Jan 2013 at 5:39 PM (3 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2013-01-31 05:15:29 PM  
38 votes:
I wonder if he tips at Applebees
2013-01-31 05:44:49 PM  
14 votes:

unlikely: I wonder if he tips at Applebees


lol

"I give God 10 inches. Why should I give you 18??"
2013-01-31 05:27:16 PM  
9 votes:
O cum all ye faithful.
2013-01-31 05:21:40 PM  
8 votes:

Slaxl: Okay, now this is a very delicate subject I'm going to broach, walking a fine line... but if you tell a woman you're something you're not so she has sex of some variety with you, is it really rape? Is rape not forcible? Fraudulent sex isn't really rape... or is it?


Caveat sexor?
2013-01-31 05:29:30 PM  
7 votes:
I have a mental picture of Jesus beating it at the Last Supper table and howling, "Swallow this in remembrance of me!" to the Apostles.
2013-01-31 06:05:27 PM  
6 votes:

AdolfOliverPanties: I am repeatedly amazed at how farking stupid and gullible some people are.


Yeah, some people will swallow anything.
2013-01-31 05:56:28 PM  
6 votes:
So, would it be the body of Jizzus Christ?
2013-01-31 06:30:48 PM  
5 votes:
s17.postimage.org
2013-01-31 06:20:59 PM  
5 votes:
farm5.staticflickr.com
2013-01-31 05:55:01 PM  
4 votes:

unlikely: I wonder if he tips at Applebees


He stiffs the waitress.
2013-01-31 05:47:15 PM  
4 votes:

xaratherus: unlikely: I wonder if he tips at Applebees

lol

"I give God 10 inches. Why should I give you 18??"


Ah, so he only gives the tip at Applebees.
2013-02-01 06:54:21 AM  
3 votes:

img8.joyreactor.com

2013-01-31 05:30:20 PM  
3 votes:

Jubeebee: Diogenes: Geez...there must be better come-on lines than that.

This sounds more like a come-in line.


You'll definitely remember taking Cummunion in his church.
2013-01-31 05:29:00 PM  
3 votes:

Diogenes: Geez...there must be better come-on lines than that.


This sounds more like a come-in line.
2013-01-31 05:11:17 PM  
3 votes:
Geez...there must be better come-on lines than that.
2013-01-31 09:24:55 PM  
2 votes:

pxlboy: KrispyKritter: Subby thinks a man who is either a charlatan or mentally ill that dupes church goers into activity that smacks of sexual assault is COOL. Wow. And here I thought I was the biggest POS scumbag that I knew. Hats off to you, my sick & twisted friend. I place you high up on my mantle next to my other heroes, the Nazis.

Seriously -- how dumb do you have to be to think that sucking off the pastor is going to get you brownie points with God?


It's almost as though deeply religious people have trouble with critical thinking.
2013-01-31 08:56:17 PM  
2 votes:

bratface: How does this get a 'COOL' tag?



How can it not?

encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com
2013-01-31 08:29:47 PM  
2 votes:
The difference between rape and rapture? Salesmanship!
2013-01-31 08:20:25 PM  
2 votes:
Amazing that this happened. I have literally been jerking off to this exact scenario since the day I turned 13. I wonder if he wore a leather luchador mask too.
2013-01-31 07:20:01 PM  
2 votes:
Wow this guy is great. I have to mix my semen into yogurt to get women to taste it.

/kidding
//or am I?
2013-01-31 06:33:50 PM  
2 votes:
The article reads like it came out of Google Translate.


"Valdecir was caught red-handed while rubbing his penis in the face of a local merchant, which promised to  make more sales in her business due to the divine liquid."

His penis can talk? Maybe he's the real deal!
2013-01-31 06:07:46 PM  
2 votes:
It's only semen until it transubstantiates.
2013-01-31 06:03:40 PM  
2 votes:

LordBollocks: FTA "Valdecir was caught red-handed while rubbing his penis in the face of a local merchant, which promised to make more sales in her business due to the divine liquid."

Seriously how farking stupid can you be?


You mean brilliant, right?

Stupid he got caught, but farking genius to have gotten it to work even a few times. Giant brass balls.
2013-01-31 05:51:34 PM  
2 votes:
This guy totally stole my go-to Sunday school lesson plan.

/come get your salvation kids!
2013-01-31 05:49:15 PM  
2 votes:
Oh come ON ye faithful
2013-01-31 05:42:44 PM  
2 votes:
farm9.staticflickr.com
2013-01-31 05:35:14 PM  
2 votes:
There are such stupid people on this earth.
2013-01-31 05:34:00 PM  
2 votes:
www.turnbacktogod.com Eat this and rub member of me.
2013-02-01 04:30:15 AM  
1 vote:
How are these people not considered legally retarded?
2013-01-31 10:35:48 PM  
1 vote:

unlikely: I wonder if he tips at Applebees


Yes, but just the tip.
2013-01-31 09:18:39 PM  
1 vote:

fnottr: occamswrist: Wow this guy is great. I have to mix my semen into yogurt to get women to taste it.
 
/kidding
//or am I?

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/revolting/guilty-plea-in-yogu rt -semen-case-867593


And, as police reported, she "said it tasted like 'semen.'"

Experience.
2013-01-31 09:05:35 PM  
1 vote:
Moreover, if you're going to get down on your knees to receive an "anointing," Jesus is adamant that you have to swallow. It's in the bible.

After Jesus called the crowd to Him, He said to them, "Hear and understand. It is not what enters into the mouth that defiles the man, but what proceeds out of the mouth, this defiles the man." - Matthew 15:10-11
2013-01-31 08:54:37 PM  
1 vote:

Farty McPooPants: Who's awesome?
[m24digital.com image 500x335]
You're Awesome!


So Fark Admins, it's okay to post photos of pastors as long as they're male?
2013-01-31 08:22:59 PM  
1 vote:
"Often, after worship, Pastor Valdecir take us to some of the funds back to the church and asked us to do oral sex on him until the Holy Spirit comes through ejaculation".

In Brazil, the christers are horny!
2013-01-31 08:19:38 PM  
1 vote:
Who's awesome?
m24digital.com
You're Awesome!
2013-01-31 07:22:47 PM  
1 vote:
[picture from the story]

Looks like Steve Urkel is all growed up now.

/not posting picture of the pastor
//that's not allowed on Fark
2013-01-31 07:17:25 PM  
1 vote:

rka: Slaxl: Okay, now this is a very delicate subject I'm going to broach, walking a fine line... but if you tell a woman you're something you're not so she has sex of some variety with you, is it really rape? Is rape not forcible? Fraudulent sex isn't really rape... or is it?

In that case, that girl with the pushup bra I took home one night was very fraudulent.

/but maybe not rape rape



What are you complaining about?One night I pull a tube sock out of a girls bra.....her twin brother's tube sock.I get four or five socks out only to discover who's really wearing the bra.And it damned sure wasn't who I was expecting.At least you had the real deal.
2013-01-31 07:04:05 PM  
1 vote:

Day_Old_Dutchie: [s17.postimage.org image 750x600]

FTFY


4.bp.blogspot.com
2013-01-31 06:53:35 PM  
1 vote:
CRAP, you mean that actually WORKS?
2013-01-31 06:51:38 PM  
1 vote:
The Royal Penis is cleaned your Highness.
2013-01-31 06:12:07 PM  
1 vote:

ProfessorOhki: Cyno01: This guy is a scumbag for sure, but im gonna side with the its not really rape crowd on this one. Although i guess if youre dumb enough to fall for this it could be like those episodes of law and order cases where having sex with a tard is rape because they cant really consent...

Also for completely unrelated reasons, how does one go about starting a church? And attracting cute female redheaded parishioners?

Hint: There the angel of the Lord appeared to him in flames of fire from within a bush. Moses saw that though the bush was on fire it did not burn up. So Moses thought, "I will go over and see this strange sight-why the bush does not burn up."


Good stuff, good stuff... Can i offer you a Bishop position?
2013-01-31 06:10:46 PM  
1 vote:

Jument: LordBollocks: FTA "Valdecir was caught red-handed while rubbing his penis in the face of a local merchant, which promised to make more sales in her business due to the divine liquid."

Seriously how farking stupid can you be?

You mean brilliant, right?

Stupid he got caught, but farking genius to have gotten it to work even a few times. Giant brass balls.


It sounds like he hit on the freakin' female police officer on the way to the station!

When we act Valdecir offered no resistance and even asked if I wanted to be part of the kingdom of heaven on the way to the police station

Those aren't brass - they're freakin' titanium.
2013-01-31 06:08:16 PM  
1 vote:
...pastor who claimed his penis had been anointed with the "Holy Spirit divine semen"

Well maybe so, but Dr. Who is the being who's come has time.
2013-01-31 06:07:55 PM  
1 vote:
This guy is a scumbag for sure, but im gonna side with the its not really rape crowd on this one. Although i guess if youre dumb enough to fall for this it could be like those episodes of law and order cases where having sex with a tard is rape because they cant really consent...

Also for completely unrelated reasons, how does one go about starting a church? And attracting cute female redheaded parishioners?
2013-01-31 06:03:07 PM  
1 vote:
That's gonna cause some interesting transubstantiation.
2013-01-31 06:00:57 PM  
1 vote:

ArkPanda: Maybe some version of statutory?  I suppose they weren't unable to give consent, they were just dumbasses.


If being too stupid to give consent becomes a thing (when not legally retarded), people are gonna have problems.
2013-01-31 05:56:36 PM  
1 vote:
As an Agnostic, I really can't 100% say he's wrong. I'm pretty sure it's bullshiat, but don't hold me to it.
2013-01-31 05:55:53 PM  
1 vote:
Only the really talented psychopaths make it big in religion, politics, and law enforcement.....
2013-01-31 05:49:41 PM  
1 vote:
FTA: According to the Pastor, "You have in your hands the servant of the Lord and do not regret it yet. I hope to continue my wonderful job within the prison".

You'll have plenty of chances to continue what you've been doing there in prison, pastor.
2013-01-31 05:48:01 PM  
1 vote:

AdolfOliverPanties: I am repeatedly amazed at how farking stupid and gullible some people are.


Not me. If people will buy the whole Bible thing, they'll buy anything.
2013-01-31 05:47:39 PM  
1 vote:
FTA "Valdecir was caught red-handed while rubbing his penis in the face of a local merchant, which promised to make more sales in her business due to the divine liquid."

Seriously how farking stupid can you be?
2013-01-31 05:43:32 PM  
1 vote:
It's fraud, right? Since it's not official Jesus Love Juice?
2013-01-31 05:42:39 PM  
1 vote:
This reminds me of a horrible joke:


If you wake up on December 26th with a bad taste in your mouth; remember, Santa only comes once a year.
2013-01-31 05:41:26 PM  
1 vote:
What, no hero tag?
2013-01-31 05:40:59 PM  
1 vote:

Diogenes: Geez...there must be better come-on lines than that.


If there is, I've never thought of it. I've never thought of one that worked more than once and this one was working for quite awhile for him.
2013-01-31 05:27:33 PM  
1 vote:
I am repeatedly amazed at how farking stupid and gullible some people are.
 
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