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(M24 Digital)   "He has convinced us that only God could come into our lives through the mouth," says 23-year-old woman about pastor who claimed his penis had been anointed with the "Holy Spirit divine semen"   (m24digital.com) divider line 199
    More: Unlikely, Holy Spirit, god, Pastor Valdecir, Holy Spirit divine, semen  
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22689 clicks; posted to Main » on 31 Jan 2013 at 5:39 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-01-31 06:08:16 PM  
...pastor who claimed his penis had been anointed with the "Holy Spirit divine semen"

Well maybe so, but Dr. Who is the being who's come has time.
 
2013-01-31 06:08:45 PM  
I've heard this one before. It ends with her kid killing Medusa, right?
 
2013-01-31 06:09:17 PM  
Was it Reverend Peter North (his blessings be upon you, and the girl next to you, and the girl next to her, and....)?
 
2013-01-31 06:10:15 PM  

Cyno01: This guy is a scumbag for sure, but im gonna side with the its not really rape crowd on this one. Although i guess if youre dumb enough to fall for this it could be like those episodes of law and order cases where having sex with a tard is rape because they cant really consent...

Also for completely unrelated reasons, how does one go about starting a church? And attracting cute female redheaded parishioners?


Hint: There the angel of the Lord appeared to him in flames of fire from within a bush. Moses saw that though the bush was on fire it did not burn up. So Moses thought, "I will go over and see this strange sight-why the bush does not burn up."
 
2013-01-31 06:10:38 PM  
If he was diddling kids, that would be one thing, but I have zero sympathy for any adult who fell for this.
 
2013-01-31 06:10:46 PM  

Jument: LordBollocks: FTA "Valdecir was caught red-handed while rubbing his penis in the face of a local merchant, which promised to make more sales in her business due to the divine liquid."

Seriously how farking stupid can you be?

You mean brilliant, right?

Stupid he got caught, but farking genius to have gotten it to work even a few times. Giant brass balls.


It sounds like he hit on the freakin' female police officer on the way to the station!

When we act Valdecir offered no resistance and even asked if I wanted to be part of the kingdom of heaven on the way to the police station

Those aren't brass - they're freakin' titanium.
 
2013-01-31 06:11:39 PM  
According to the Pastor, "You have in your hands the servant of the Lord......I hope to continue my wonderful job within the prison"

offered no resistance and even asked if I wanted to be part of the kingdom of heaven on the way to the police station.

Valdecir [redacted] and was released.


Some great quotes from the article, with slight editing.

defends himself by saying that 'he had an encounter with Jesus in a brothel and gave him the mission of spreading the sacred semen throughout the state

Yeah, but that dude pronounced it as Hay-Soos, but there ya go.
 
2013-01-31 06:12:07 PM  

ProfessorOhki: Cyno01: This guy is a scumbag for sure, but im gonna side with the its not really rape crowd on this one. Although i guess if youre dumb enough to fall for this it could be like those episodes of law and order cases where having sex with a tard is rape because they cant really consent...

Also for completely unrelated reasons, how does one go about starting a church? And attracting cute female redheaded parishioners?

Hint: There the angel of the Lord appeared to him in flames of fire from within a bush. Moses saw that though the bush was on fire it did not burn up. So Moses thought, "I will go over and see this strange sight-why the bush does not burn up."


Good stuff, good stuff... Can i offer you a Bishop position?
 
2013-01-31 06:12:33 PM  
How do they know they didnt get salvation? Wont they have to die and see?
 
2013-01-31 06:13:11 PM  

Jument: LordBollocks: FTA "Valdecir was caught red-handed while rubbing his penis in the face of a local merchant, which promised to make more sales in her business due to the divine liquid."

Seriously how farking stupid can you be?

You mean brilliant, right?

Stupid he got caught, but farking genius to have gotten it to work even a few times. Giant brass balls.


Actually I meant she was stupid. He however is a god amongst men.
 
2013-01-31 06:15:06 PM  

Loucifer: As an Agnostic, I really can't 100% say he's wrong. I'm pretty sure it's bullshiat, but don't hold me to it.


As an atheist, I have to ask, how do they know he is lying?  Their whole religion is based on fairy tales and "faith" in things that are by definition unprovable.  Can they prove that God Jr. didn't come to him in a brothel and tell him to spread the "holy seed"?  I say that they can't and he wouldn't be much of a pastor if he refused to obey a direct order from God.  Of course I don't buy into the Psycho Daddy, Holey Hippy and Invisible Spook shtick, so I call him a rapist and say send the bastige to PMITA prison.
 
2013-01-31 06:18:07 PM  
Didn't Jesus tell all the children to come on him? Stop sending mixed messages, Lord.
 
2013-01-31 06:19:58 PM  
liner notes from Faith+1?
 
2013-01-31 06:20:15 PM  

Slaxl: Okay, now this is a very delicate subject I'm going to broach, walking a fine line... but if you tell a woman you're something you're not so she has sex of some variety with you, is it really rape? Is rape not forcible? Fraudulent sex isn't really rape... or is it?


Even if the fraud thing shook out, isn't it considered sexual assault or sodomy or something not legally 'rape' since TFA makes it sound entirely oral?
 
2013-01-31 06:20:59 PM  
farm5.staticflickr.com
 
2013-01-31 06:24:58 PM  
This wasn't rape, but this also wasn't the case of someone having brass balls.  This person is mentally ill.  If you think the Holy Spirit blessed your spunk, and that for women to go to heaven they have to blow you, that's a considerable number of steps to the left of simply believing in God.

This dude needs a rubber-padded cell and a shot of Thorazine daily.
 
2013-01-31 06:25:46 PM  
Talk about accepting the Host in your mouth!
 
2013-01-31 06:25:52 PM  
"He has convinced us that only God could come into our lives through the mouth," says 23-year-old woman about pastor who claimed his penis had been anointed with the "Holy Spirit divine semen"

What a twist!
 
2013-01-31 06:27:35 PM  

eastiowa: [farm5.staticflickr.com image 387x600]


Nice. +1.
 
2013-01-31 06:30:13 PM  
How unbelievably stupid can those people be to believe that line of bullshort?
 
2013-01-31 06:30:48 PM  
s17.postimage.org
 
2013-01-31 06:31:19 PM  

Lollipop165: There are such stupid people on this earth.

 
2013-01-31 06:31:39 PM  

This is my favourite part:




Denise Pinheiro, delegate of the region, said, "Valdecir was caught red-handed while rubbing his penis in the face of a local merchant, which promised to make more sales in her business due to the divine liquid.


How retarded are you if you believe that blowing a shady priest will bring good fortune to your business?

And it doesn't sound like rape. Fraud? perhaps. But not rape.

Boy, is Brazil full of retards. HUAUAUAUHUAHAUA
 
2013-01-31 06:31:52 PM  
Slaxl:
"Okay, now this is a very delicate subject I'm going to broach, walking a fine line... but if you tell a woman you're something you're not so she has sex of some variety with you, is it really rape? Is rape not forcible? Fraudulent sex isn't really rape... or is it?"

Probably depends to what extent there's threats or coercion. Just lying about who you are isn't a crime in the us, as far as I know.

In israel, a palestinian guy was charged for lying to a jewish chick, saying he was jewish so she would bone him. Dunno the outcome of that case.
 
2013-01-31 06:33:50 PM  
The article reads like it came out of Google Translate.


"Valdecir was caught red-handed while rubbing his penis in the face of a local merchant, which promised to  make more sales in her business due to the divine liquid."

His penis can talk? Maybe he's the real deal!
 
2013-01-31 06:34:40 PM  

Diogenes: Geez...there must be better come-on lines than that.


You can't argue with success.
 
2013-01-31 06:34:56 PM  
I can't even handle the fact that there are people out there that stupid.  My mind is boggling.
 
rka
2013-01-31 06:35:41 PM  

Slaxl: Okay, now this is a very delicate subject I'm going to broach, walking a fine line... but if you tell a woman you're something you're not so she has sex of some variety with you, is it really rape? Is rape not forcible? Fraudulent sex isn't really rape... or is it?


In that case, that girl with the pushup bra I took home one night was very fraudulent.

/but maybe not rape rape
 
2013-01-31 06:37:25 PM  
Some how I always imagined this 'God' person would be a lot less....salty.
 
2013-01-31 06:37:34 PM  

Slaxl: Okay, now this is a very delicate subject I'm going to broach, walking a fine line... but if you tell a woman you're something you're not so she has sex of some variety with you, is it really rape? Is rape not forcible? Fraudulent sex isn't really rape... or is it?


Depends on how good looking you are.
 
2013-01-31 06:40:17 PM  
According to the Pastor, "You have in your hands the servant of the Lord and do not regret it yet. I hope to continue my wonderful job within the prison".

Um...OK, sure, why not?
 
2013-01-31 06:40:23 PM  
www.bakelblog.com
 
2013-01-31 06:40:44 PM  

AdolfOliverPanties: I am repeatedly amazed at how farking stupid and gullible some people are.


This article is a hoax.   You were talking about farkers, not the women from the article...right...
 
2013-01-31 06:40:57 PM  
When I was in grade school, one of my weird friends came up with a religion he called, "Jismism."

At first I thought maybe he'd moved to Brazil.
 
2013-01-31 06:41:38 PM  
According to the Pastor, "You have in your hands the servant of the Lord and do not regret it yet. I hope to continue my wonderfuljob within the prison".

Yes, yes you will, probably not as much fun......
 
2013-01-31 06:42:49 PM  

Slaxl: Okay, now this is a very delicate subject I'm going to broach, walking a fine line... but if you tell a woman you're something you're not so she has sex of some variety with you, is it really rape? Is rape not forcible? Fraudulent sex isn't really rape... or is it?


In the US I think there are laws against being in a position of power and abusing that authority for sex, sort of in the same line as teacher/student sex and doctor/patient sex. But in Brazil, who knows?
 
2013-01-31 06:45:47 PM  

Macular Degenerate: Slaxl: Okay, now this is a very delicate subject I'm going to broach, walking a fine line... but if you tell a woman you're something you're not so she has sex of some variety with you, is it really rape? Is rape not forcible? Fraudulent sex isn't really rape... or is it?

In the US I think there are laws against being in a position of power and abusing that authority for sex, sort of in the same line as teacher/student sex and doctor/patient sex. But in Brazil, who knows?


Apparently there is a law on the books in some states about impersonating a spouse. There was a recent criminal case where some guy had sex with a drunk girl at a party who thought he was her boyfriend, and it seems that law was not relevant because it only applies to spouses.
 
2013-01-31 06:47:13 PM  
I can't get a farkin date on a friday night and this joker is getting some primo tail all over the place.  I quit.
 
2013-01-31 06:51:38 PM  
The Royal Penis is cleaned your Highness.
 
2013-01-31 06:53:35 PM  
CRAP, you mean that actually WORKS?
 
2013-01-31 06:58:05 PM  

Last Man on Earth: Slaxl: Okay, now this is a very delicate subject I'm going to broach, walking a fine line... but if you tell a woman you're something you're not so she has sex of some variety with you, is it really rape? Is rape not forcible? Fraudulent sex isn't really rape... or is it?

Not in this situation, no.  There's a distinction between what's called "fraud in the inducement," which is when someone is "tricked" into having sex under false pretenses ("I'm shipping to Afghanistan in the morning" kind of thing), and "fraud in the factum," which means someone is tricked into having sex when they don't know they're having it/think it's with someone else (posing as her husband in the dark, for instance).  In the first case, the "victim" knows they're having sex, understands all the implications, and consented anyway, so it's not rape.  That's what we have here.

There's actually a case, Boro v. Superior Court, where a guy called a woman up claiming to be a doctor.  He said he had the results of a recent medical exam, and she had a very rare disease.  There was a cure, but it involved either a very painful medical procedure or sex with a man who'd been dosed with a vaccine.  Supposedly the man's sperm would transfer the medicine.  The court found that while it was reprehensible, she fully understood and consented to the sex act, so it wasn't rape.


Interestingly it could actually be true, in theory anyway - for example allergens in Brazil nuts can be transmitted sexually, so presumably the same could be true of something with a positive effect I guess.
 
2013-01-31 07:00:48 PM  
Subby thinks a man who is either a charlatan or mentally ill that dupes church goers into activity that smacks of sexual assault is COOL. Wow. And here I thought I was the biggest POS scumbag that I knew. Hats off to you, my sick & twisted friend. I place you high up on my mantle next to my other heroes, the Nazis.
 
2013-01-31 07:03:11 PM  
so? my semen is divine too. any farkettes want a taste?
 
2013-01-31 07:04:05 PM  

Day_Old_Dutchie: [s17.postimage.org image 750x600]

FTFY


4.bp.blogspot.com
 
2013-01-31 07:17:25 PM  

rka: Slaxl: Okay, now this is a very delicate subject I'm going to broach, walking a fine line... but if you tell a woman you're something you're not so she has sex of some variety with you, is it really rape? Is rape not forcible? Fraudulent sex isn't really rape... or is it?

In that case, that girl with the pushup bra I took home one night was very fraudulent.

/but maybe not rape rape



What are you complaining about?One night I pull a tube sock out of a girls bra.....her twin brother's tube sock.I get four or five socks out only to discover who's really wearing the bra.And it damned sure wasn't who I was expecting.At least you had the real deal.
 
2013-01-31 07:20:01 PM  
Wow this guy is great. I have to mix my semen into yogurt to get women to taste it.

/kidding
//or am I?
 
2013-01-31 07:22:47 PM  
[picture from the story]

Looks like Steve Urkel is all growed up now.

/not posting picture of the pastor
//that's not allowed on Fark
 
2013-01-31 07:28:23 PM  

Cyno01: ProfessorOhki: Cyno01: This guy is a scumbag for sure, but im gonna side with the its not really rape crowd on this one. Although i guess if youre dumb enough to fall for this it could be like those episodes of law and order cases where having sex with a tard is rape because they cant really consent...

Also for completely unrelated reasons, how does one go about starting a church? And attracting cute female redheaded parishioners?

Hint: There the angel of the Lord appeared to him in flames of fire from within a bush. Moses saw that though the bush was on fire it did not burn up. So Moses thought, "I will go over and see this strange sight-why the bush does not burn up."

Good stuff, good stuff... Can i offer you a Bishop position?


I see what you did there.
 
2013-01-31 07:30:16 PM  

KrispyKritter: Subby thinks a man who is either a charlatan or mentally ill that dupes church goers into activity that smacks of sexual assault is COOL. Wow. And here I thought I was the biggest POS scumbag that I knew. Hats off to you, my sick & twisted friend. I place you high up on my mantle next to my other heroes, the Nazis.


Seriously -- how dumb do you have to be to think that sucking off the pastor is going to get you brownie points with God?
 
2013-01-31 07:34:49 PM  
The only way to meet Jizzus is to suck my hot dog....if someone is dumb enough to believe that line....
 
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