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(1 Corinthians 7:5)   And God spoke and saith, "have a lot of sex to keep Satan away." And lo, Bible study just got awesome   (biblegateway.com ) divider line
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13954 clicks; posted to Main » on 27 Jan 2013 at 8:29 PM (3 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-01-27 04:45:31 PM  
Out of context Bible quotes get greenlights now?
 
2013-01-27 04:52:27 PM  

Donnchadha: Out of context Bible quotes get greenlights now?


Your comment reminds me of this. (Possibly NSFW)
 
2013-01-27 05:02:57 PM  

Via Infinito: Donnchadha: Out of context Bible quotes get greenlights now?

Your comment reminds me of this. (Possibly NSFW)


Made my day. Plus the guy on the left weighs in with the Weenerss. ;)
 
2013-01-27 05:23:10 PM  
lh6.googleusercontent.com

And to be fair, if Christina Hendricks is doing a reading...

lh4.googleusercontent.com
 
2013-01-27 05:31:25 PM  

Via Infinito: Donnchadha: Out of context Bible quotes get greenlights now?

Your comment reminds me of this. (Possibly NSFW)



Excellent.
 
2013-01-27 05:37:21 PM  
Genesis 1:28 "...and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth..."

www.ladyofthecake.com

BUT WE DON'T WANT THE IRISH!
 
2013-01-27 05:42:15 PM  
The problem with taking the Bible literally is that you run into all sorts of contradictions. For example, you have the fun bits mentioned in the link, but you also have the bit that says:

"For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let the one who is able to receive this receive it." 

Are  yougoing to make yourself a eunuch for Christ,  subby? Like this guy did?
 
2013-01-27 06:20:21 PM  
you should come together again so that Satan won't be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.*

*does not apply to Catholic priests
 
2013-01-27 06:42:59 PM  

fusillade762: you should come together again so that Satan won't be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.*

*does not apply to Catholic priests


See, this is where the whole "out of context" thing comes to play....
 
2013-01-27 07:20:19 PM  
Saul/Paul never met my ex-wife.
 
2013-01-27 07:20:53 PM  
Read it while remembering that time is linear in the bible and it works.
 
2013-01-27 07:26:58 PM  
What a proponent of this divine edict might look like:

www.scene-stealers.com
 
2013-01-27 08:36:00 PM  
pic80.picturetrail.com

Approves
 
2013-01-27 08:38:41 PM  
The Bible is hot and all, but it's no masterpiece like 50 Shades of Grey.
 
2013-01-27 08:40:32 PM  

Ryker's Peninsula: The Bible is hot and all, but it's no masterpiece like 50 Shades of Grey.


Get busy child.

-God
 
2013-01-27 08:41:44 PM  
Or the secular version: fark me regularly, or I go after your best friend.
 
2013-01-27 08:42:45 PM  
Not bad advice, but I don't see why I need the Bible to tell me that. Common sense if you are trying to be in a monogamous relationship.
 
2013-01-27 08:42:48 PM  
Pretty sure if  subby wants to keep this in context they'll include the next verse: "try not to suck any dicks on the way out to the parking lot".
 
2013-01-27 08:43:11 PM  
No wait, that was Crystal Method.

I always mix those two up.
 
2013-01-27 08:45:22 PM  
Christian farkers show us where Jesus touched you and why we should take the bible seriously...
 
2013-01-27 08:46:21 PM  

Via Infinito: Donnchadha: Out of context Bible quotes get greenlights now?

Your comment reminds me of this. (Possibly NSFW)


Meh, while the imaginary guy in that video is an idiot, this particular quote pretty obviously applies to married couples.

I lke the parts after it though:
I say this as a concession, not as a command. 7But I wish everyone were single, just as I am. Yet each person has a special gift from God, of one kind or another.
8So I say to those who aren't married and to widows-it's better to stay unmarried, just as I am. 9But if they can't control themselves, they should go ahead and marry. It's better to marry than to burn with lust.


Is that where they got the idea for priests to be celibate?  Sounds like this guy just got tired of all the rejection.
 
2013-01-27 08:46:45 PM  

Donnchadha: Out of context Bible quotes get greenlights now?


In context with the whole passage, the idea is still the same. Have a lot of sex with your spouse so they don't cheat on you.Anyone who tells you otherwise is trying to sell you something.

Of course, Paul does then get into the "I'd rather you all be celibate" thing later so...
 
2013-01-27 08:47:16 PM  

whistleridge: The problem with taking the Bible literally is that you run into all sorts of contradictions. For example, you have the fun bits mentioned in the link, but you also have the bit that says:

"For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let the one who is able to receive this receive it." 

Are  yougoing to make yourself a eunuch for Christ,  subby? Like this guy did?


There was a whole cult of eunuchs and suchlike in Russia and Poland around the middle of the 19th Century, if memory serves. They called themselves the "Skoptje" after their leader. Men had the whole package cut off, women had their labias removed and some cut off their breasts. They also refrained from sex. Somehow, they won enough converts to keep the cult going for 150 years despite never having kids. I don't see the attraction, myself.
 
2013-01-27 08:48:56 PM  
Jesus want you to dring good wine.

John 2:10 - A host always serves the best wine first," he said. "Then, when everyone has had a lot to drink, he brings out the less expensive wine. But you have kept the best until now!"
 
2013-01-27 08:49:00 PM  

hubiestubert: [lh6.googleusercontent.com image 640x512]

And to be fair, if Christina Hendricks is doing a reading...

[lh4.googleusercontent.com image 640x480]


I would beget with her all night long
 
2013-01-27 08:50:02 PM  

Donnchadha: Out of context Bible quotes get greenlights now?


Someone thought we needed some god to go with all the guns being greenlit.
 
2013-01-27 08:52:15 PM  

Cymbal: Not bad advice, but I don't see why I need the Bible to tell me that. Common sense if you are trying to be in a monogamous relationship.


Common sense isn't all that common, unfortunately.
 
2013-01-27 08:53:09 PM  
"The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife."

-The Previous Verse
 
2013-01-27 08:54:22 PM  
 
2013-01-27 08:55:17 PM  

s2s2s2: "The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife."

-The Previous Verse


Butt sex.  I'm pretty sure that means butt sex.
 
2013-01-27 08:55:36 PM  

George Babbitt: Read it while remembering that time is linear in the bible and it works.


I googled the time is linear concept in relation to the bible, and found that the bible does NOT consider time to be linear. I can't figure out what they are going on about, though.
 
2013-01-27 09:06:07 PM  
if you read the stuff around that verse, it basically means the following:
yes, abstaining is good... it lets you focus on spiritual matters. however, depriving your spouse might drive them to sin, so don't do it.
 
2013-01-27 09:07:42 PM  

Donnchadha: Out of context Bible quotes get greenlights now?


It's one of the explicit marriage rules of the new testament, set down by the guy that wrote about a third of said new testament, who was explicitly given the authority and duty to write such rules down in a very unambiguous fashion by Jesus himself, in person. Like the other epistles, it's a list of hard and fast rules for Christians which, if you disobey and don't confess/repent, cause you to be hurled into a lake of fire and denied resurrection/eternal life.

So... there's the context for you. Kinda surprised you didn't know that already, most people in western nations have at least a passing familiarity with the overall structure and authorship of the new testament, Christian or not. I mean, I'd say subby's assumption that most people at least know enough to look up the context pretty quick on Google is probably a valid one.

//I agree it's a bit random for a thread topic, though.
 
2013-01-27 09:09:53 PM  

UsikFark: George Babbitt: Read it while remembering that time is linear in the bible and it works.

I googled the time is linear concept in relation to the bible, and found that the bible does NOT consider time to be linear. I can't figure out what they are going on about, though.


Who did you find that said that?
 
2013-01-27 09:10:04 PM  
"Eat the fat and drink sweet wine".

A verse that'll drive your Mormon cardiologist nuts.
 
2013-01-27 09:10:58 PM  

George Babbitt: UsikFark: George Babbitt: Read it while remembering that time is linear in the bible and it works.

I googled the time is linear concept in relation to the bible, and found that the bible does NOT consider time to be linear. I can't figure out what they are going on about, though.

Who did you find that said that?


Did I just get rolled?
 
2013-01-27 09:11:42 PM  

Donnchadha: Out of context Bible quotes get greenlights now?


In case you've never noticed, this is Fark. The only time scripture gets quoted here is out of context, usually so someone can twist it to their purposes. Kind of like is pointed out here:

whistleridge: The problem with taking the Bible literally is that you run into all sorts of contradictions. For example, you have the fun bits mentioned in the link, but you also have the bit that says:

"For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let the one who is able to receive this receive it." 

Are  yougoing to make yourself a eunuch for Christ,  subby? Like this guy did?


Whistleridge rightly points out that the passage is taken out of context, and that, taken literally, idiots mutilate themselves (whistleridge was actually kinder in his assertion than I'm inclined to be--it was actually a somewhat common practice in the early church, largely due to Origen and others' interpretation, which relies heavily on an anti-Semitic, Western view of Christ--but seems to contradict Torah, since castrated men were expelled from the assembly of Israel, priests who has been castrated could not perform the sacrifices or even enter into parts of the Temple, and animals that had been castrated were unfit for sacrifice).

The passage in Matthew 19 the quoted scripture is taken from refers to marriage, divorce, and celibacy... but hey, why read it for yourself and use the brain God gave you when it's so much easier to listen to some fool tell you what it says and means (and yes, unfortunately, there are more people who stand in pulpits and twist the bible to suit their purposes than there are people who are agnostic or atheist who do it--why do you think there are so many agnostics and atheists in the world)?
 
2013-01-27 09:13:22 PM  

Marine1: The loosest interpretation of the Bible as it relates to sex... evar.

/you bet your brown cherry it's NSFW


I prefer this one.

?nsfw
 
2013-01-27 09:13:37 PM  

serial_crusher: Via Infinito: Donnchadha: Out of context Bible quotes get greenlights now?

Your comment reminds me of this. (Possibly NSFW)

Meh, while the imaginary guy in that video is an idiot, this particular quote pretty obviously applies to married couples.

I lke the parts after it though:
I say this as a concession, not as a command. 7But I wish everyone were single, just as I am. Yet each person has a special gift from God, of one kind or another.
8So I say to those who aren't married and to widows-it's better to stay unmarried, just as I am. 9But if they can't control themselves, they should go ahead and marry. It's better to marry than to burn with lust.

Is that where they got the idea for priests to be celibate?  Sounds like this guy just got tired of all the rejection.


Actually, I think the Catholic Church should have read past verse 8
 
2013-01-27 09:15:58 PM  

Jim_Callahan: Donnchadha: Out of context Bible quotes get greenlights now?

It's one of the explicit marriage rules of the new testament, set down by the guy that wrote about a third of said new testament, who was explicitly given the authority and duty to write such rules down in a very unambiguous fashion by Jesus himself, in person. Like the other epistles, it's a list of hard and fast rules for Christians which, if you disobey and don't confess/repent, cause you to be hurled into a lake of fire and denied resurrection/eternal life.

So... there's the context for you. Kinda surprised you didn't know that already, most people in western nations have at least a passing familiarity with the overall structure and authorship of the new testament, Christian or not. I mean, I'd say subby's assumption that most people at least know enough to look up the context pretty quick on Google is probably a valid one.

//I agree it's a bit random for a thread topic, though.


Out of my husband and his five sisters, I doubt more than 1-2 of them have any idea about that, and their mom was raised Catholic before she lapsed as an adult. She never saw the point in indoctrinating them (no matter your flavor, there is a certain amount of that, especially with Catholics).
 
2013-01-27 09:17:06 PM  
Yeah, the fact that parts of the Bible are sex positive, (in the specific context of a heterosexual marriage where the husband is in charge) is not exactly a secret. However, Paul was still pretty negative about sex in general, and was massively hung up on standards of sexual purity. A few verses later in Chapter 7, he says:

Now about virgins: I have no command from the Lord, but I give a judgment as one who by the Lord's mercy is trustworthy. Because of the present crisis, I think that it is good for a man to remain as he is. Are you pledged to a woman? Do not seek to be released. Are you free from such a commitment? Do not look for a wife. But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.

......

I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs-how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world-how he can please his wife and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit.

......

So then, he who marries the virgin does right, but he who does not marry her does better.


Paul, like most of the apostles in the first century, believed that the world was about to end, and that therefore a Christian should devote his whole life to evangelism and remaining holy until the end came. Paul in particular believed that marriage was at best a distraction from serving God, but was an acceptable compromise if it prevented people from lusting or having premarital sex. These verses fetishizing celibacy are among those considered to be a rationale for the mandatory celibacy of the Catholic priesthood and monastic orders. Paul here is pretty clear that your sex drive is a weakness, and that those who are able to suppress it to serve God are doing better than those who aren't. Even leaving out the myriad scandals that the Catholic church has been involved in, I still shudder to think of the lives that have by reluctantly deciding that complete abstinence is a higher calling.

Moreover, in the preceding two chapters, Paul lays down a pretty hard line against anything he blanketly terms "sexual immorality," ("pornia" in Greek.) In chapter 6 (I'm excerpting), he says:

....Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men [the exact context/translation here may or may not be referring to temple prostitution] nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.....

...The body, however, is not meant for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also. Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never!

...Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.


And, back in chapter 5, Paul describes how to deal with fellow Christians who are "sexually immoral:"

I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people.

So, while Paul may have thought that married sex was "just okay," he was pretty adamant that any kind of non-married sex was the moral equivalent of idolatry or thievery, and that as a Christian you ultimately have no rights over what you do with your own body. Moreover, he commanded his followers that anyone who didn't adhere to his purity code wasn't allowed into community unless they completely repented, and that until that time they were to be completely shunned. "Do not even eat with such people," he said. The instructions in 1 Corinthians have been used as a authoritarian bludgeon to marginalize and people for the last 2000 years. You'll have to excuse me if I don't get on-board with all the "hip" pastors who quote selectively from 1 Corinthians 7 so that they can boost attendance with with an "edgy" sermon series on "godly sex."
 
2013-01-27 09:18:05 PM  
And lo, he was witness to her valley of temptation, yet he was denied her fruit. Therefore he fell upon his knees and punished himself. But he was blinded for his transgressions and hair grew from the palms of his hands.
 
2013-01-27 09:19:24 PM  

Martian_Astronomer: Yeah, the fact that parts of the Bible are sex positive, (in the specific context of a heterosexual marriage where the husband is in charge) is not exactly a secret. However, Paul was still pretty negative about sex in general, and was massively hung up on standards of sexual purity. A few verses later in Chapter 7, he says:

Now about virgins: I have no command from the Lord, but I give a judgment as one who by the Lord's mercy is trustworthy. Because of the present crisis, I think that it is good for a man to remain as he is. Are you pledged to a woman? Do not seek to be released. Are you free from such a commitment? Do not look for a wife. But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.

......

I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs-how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world-how he can please his wife and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit.

......

So then, he who marries the virgin does right, but he who does not marry her does better.

Paul, like most of the apostles in the first century, believed that the world was about to end, and that therefore a Christian should devote his whole life to evangelism and remaining holy until the end came. Paul in particular believed that marriage was at best a distraction from serving God, but was an acceptable compromise if it prevented people from lusting or having premarital sex. These verses fetishizing celibacy are among those considered to be a rationale for the mandatory celibacy of the Catholic priesthood and monastic orders. Paul here is pretty clear that your sex drive is a weakness, and that those who are able to suppress it to serve God are doing better than those ...


Of course, all of this depends on whether or not you care about what Paul has to say in the first place.

/I mostly do not.
 
2013-01-27 09:21:41 PM  
The various translations to me have different meanings.

New Living: "Satan won't be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control."

King James: "that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency."

They both seem to be warning about problems associated with "lust buildup". NL implies Satan might tempt you to relieve it by raping someone or jus witht manual relief.

KJ instead implies that even if you can control your actions, Satan might tempt you in your dreams and cause an involuntary nocturnal emission which I guess is a big no-no. After all, God killed Onan because he didn't deposit his semen in a vagina.
 
2013-01-27 09:22:16 PM  
And thus did Jesus say: "No Fat Chicks"

From the Gospel of Pat Robertson
 
2013-01-27 09:24:32 PM  

Martian_Astronomer: men who have sex with men


Also, as a quick aside on the homosexuality issue: My understanding of the liberal/progressive Christian view on these verses was that the Greek word that Paul uses to describe homosexual acts tends to imply homosexual acts that took place as part of pagan religious ceremonies, and not necessarily monogamous homosexual relationships. For the sake of argument I can concede that Paul may not have been familiar with the idea of loving gay relationships, but it's a tremendously irresponsible leap to then claim that Paul "totally would have been okay with it if he'd just known some gay people."
 
2013-01-27 09:25:56 PM  
If Fark had some kind of Like/Insightful/Thumbs Up system I'd be clicking on it for Martian_Astronomer's post.
 
2013-01-27 09:26:35 PM  

Martian_Astronomer: I still shudder to think of the lives that have been harmed by reluctantly deciding that complete abstinence is a higher calling.


Martian_Astronomer: The instructions in 1 Corinthians have been used as a authoritarian bludgeon to marginalize and control people for the last 2000 years.


I really need a personal copy editor.
 
2013-01-27 09:27:30 PM  

Marine1: Of course, all of this depends on whether or not you care about what Paul has to say in the first place.

/I mostly do not.


Hey we have that in common! Brofist!
 
2013-01-27 09:29:08 PM  

George Babbitt: George Babbitt: UsikFark: George Babbitt: Read it while remembering that time is linear in the bible and it works.

I googled the time is linear concept in relation to the bible, and found that the bible does NOT consider time to be linear. I can't figure out what they are going on about, though.

Who did you find that said that?

Did I just get rolled?


No. Not to be a dick, but here is a "let me google that for you" link, so you can see what I saw. I looked at several of the sources on the first page and all I got was that the Hebrews thought about time in a way that was somehow different from our current past-present-future idea.

http://lmgtfy.com/?q=time+is+linear+in+the+bible
 
2013-01-27 09:30:10 PM  
i291.photobucket.com
 
2013-01-27 09:31:10 PM  

Martian_Astronomer: :"totally would have been okay with it if he'd just known some gay people."


That is the qualifier that people use to change their opinion on a host of issues, whether they know somebody who is in x situation.
 
2013-01-27 09:34:32 PM  
jp3.r0tt.com

/bears repeating
 
2013-01-27 09:35:00 PM  

Martian_Astronomer: Paul, like most of the apostles in the first century, believed that the world was about to end, and that therefore a Christian should devote his whole life to evangelism and remaining holy until the end came.


This is probably the one thing that most god-botherers (my best friend's phrase for these folks) don't really get about the Bible and especially the Gospels and Paul in particular. They all believed that Jesus was going to be returning very soon, as in immediately, and so people needed to live as if the world was going to end in the next few weeks. All these moral imperatives and physical restrictions are comparatively easy to maintain for a little while if you think god is coming in a normal human life; but not so much if it's been 2000 years and still no sign of god returning.
 
2013-01-27 09:39:28 PM  
Read it or spread it!
 
2013-01-27 09:44:06 PM  

UsikFark: George Babbitt: George Babbitt: UsikFark: George Babbitt: Read it while remembering that time is linear in the bible and it works.

I googled the time is linear concept in relation to the bible, and found that the bible does NOT consider time to be linear. I can't figure out what they are going on about, though.

Who did you find that said that?

Did I just get rolled?

No. Not to be a dick, but here is a "let me google that for you" link, so you can see what I saw. I looked at several of the sources on the first page and all I got was that the Hebrews thought about time in a way that was somehow different from our current past-present-future idea.

http://lmgtfy.com/?q=time+is+linear+in+the+bible


I think that when you consider that Christ was the Last Adam as a response to the First Adam. And that Christ is also the First Fruits of the Coming Harvest in the Future(metaphorical references to the Resurrection), then it takes on a linear nature. That Christ was an intervention on time to deal with the past so that humanity had a future. Time in the bible has a beginning and an end. It has direction, it is going somewhere. Just because God may have a Dr. Manhattan view of time, doesn't mean that we do or that it was made for to have a view like that. The bible starts with 'in the beginning' and ends with a statement that God is 'coming soon'.
 
2013-01-27 09:45:22 PM  

Gyrfalcon: Martian_Astronomer: Paul, like most of the apostles in the first century, believed that the world was about to end, and that therefore a Christian should devote his whole life to evangelism and remaining holy until the end came.

This is probably the one thing that most god-botherers (my best friend's phrase for these folks) don't really get about the Bible and especially the Gospels and Paul in particular. They all believed that Jesus was going to be returning very soon, as in immediately, and so people needed to live as if the world was going to end in the next few weeks. All these moral imperatives and physical restrictions are comparatively easy to maintain for a little while if you think god is coming in a normal human life; but not so much if it's been 2000 years and still no sign of god returning.


Look up Preterism or Partial-Preterism, it attempts(somewhat successfully)to address these issues.
 
2013-01-27 09:46:39 PM  

ladyfortuna: Out of my husband and his five sisters, I doubt more than 1-2 of them have any idea about that, and their mom was raised Catholic before she lapsed as an adult. She never saw the point in indoctrinating them (no matter your flavor, there is a certain amount of that, especially with Catholics).


My point wasn't so much that they'd know all that offhand as that they'd have the cultural context to work it out with like five minutes of google instead of having to wiki-walk for hours to piece it together like someone raised, say, Buddhist in rural China might need to. They'd know who Paul was, why he was important, and that Corinthians was part of the new testament set after the resurrection. If you have those core pieces, fitting the rest together's pretty trivial even without the internet, and essentially effortless with it.

Honestly, as Catholics that went through confirmation, once they saw the word "epistle" in the wiki article regarding the book being quoted they'd immediately have the vast majority of the context down, because you're literally quizzed on that shiat before you become a full member of the cult. That's sort of a different issue than general cultural awareness, though. More on the order of how most people can remember the shiat they learned in junior high, given a minute of thought.
 
2013-01-27 09:57:58 PM  
Two guys in white dress shirts with black name tags knocked on my door this morning. They said "We encourage you to read the Bible more." I thanked them and shut the door in their faces.
 
2013-01-27 10:00:14 PM  
I use I Corinthians 7, which also says that the only reason to get married is if you're so horny you can't keep your pants zipped, all the time with my New Testament students to point out hypocrisy and inconsistency in biblical interpretation.
 
2013-01-27 10:24:13 PM  

Donnchadha: Out of context Bible quotes get greenlights now?


Wait... what Bible are you reading? Because that's totally in context in mine.

/yes I, an atheist, own a Bible
//Try not to faint
 
2013-01-27 10:24:37 PM  

HairBolus: KJ instead implies that even if you can control your actions, Satan might tempt you in your dreams and cause an involuntary nocturnal emission which I guess is a big no-no. After all, God killed Onan because he didn't deposit his semen in a vagina.


Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate
 
2013-01-27 10:36:17 PM  

HairBolus: KJ instead implies that even if you can control your actions, Satan might tempt you in your dreams and cause an involuntary nocturnal emission which I guess is a big no-no. After all, God killed Onan because he didn't deposit his semen in a vagina.


Given the context of the Onan story, God didn't kill him for pulling out early, so much as for refusing to sire an heir for his dead brother, (which was considered to be his responsibility.) However, between the ceremonial laws regarding semen and Jesus' admonition that lust is a damnable offense equivalent to adultery, there's certainly precedent for regarding a wet dream as a moral failing. And, of course, whacking it is right out.

/ Fun fact: In conservative evangelical churches, the primary function of "men's groups" is to serve as the fap police
// I'm guessing you probably knew all this already
 
2013-01-27 10:41:39 PM  
Ezekiel 23:20
There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.
 
2013-01-27 10:50:55 PM  

Marine1: The loosest interpretation of the Bible as it relates to sex... evar.

/you bet your brown cherry it's NSFW


Fantastic, now to find some Fundamentalist college girls...
 
2013-01-27 10:58:38 PM  
i.imgur.com
 
2013-01-27 11:07:14 PM  

WyDave: "Eat the fat and drink sweet wine".


Heard that one in church today.
 
2013-01-27 11:34:21 PM  

bmr68: Two guys in white dress shirts with black name tags knocked on my door this morning. They said "We encourage you to read the Bible more." I thanked them and shut the door in their faces.


Wrong response. You should have asked them why they are violating God's command to not judge others. How do they know you don't read the shiat out of the Bible? Judgemental busybodies
 
2013-01-27 11:39:41 PM  
And then there's the Song of Solomon, which goes into a lot more detail than that.

The Christian view of how to live should be moderation. It's not anything goes, but it's not everything is forbidden.
 
2013-01-27 11:58:42 PM  

Smeggy Smurf: bmr68: Two guys in white dress shirts with black name tags knocked on my door this morning. They said "We encourage you to read the Bible more." I thanked them and shut the door in their faces.

Wrong response. You should have asked them why they are violating God's command to not judge others. How do they know you don't read the shiat out of the Bible? Judgemental busybodies


Correct, but they were just kids reading from a script.
 
2013-01-28 12:07:31 AM  
The Children of God (aka The Family or whatever they call themselves today) had this covered long ago.
 
2013-01-28 12:13:49 AM  
I don't need a pretend man in the sky watching and judging me to be a good person. Once you make that transition you realize churches are really more like social clubs. I suppose if you are ignorant and are a complete narcissist then you might need some threat like that to curb your behavior but there are enough horrible things in holy books you can always just twist the words until you can do what you want anyway.

As long as no one is hurt, and all parties are consenting and able to give that consent, well then, do whatever you want. So sayeth the Lord Useless.
 
2013-01-28 12:41:42 AM  
Woohoo!
fark your woman, fark your man,
It is all part of gods plan
Mormons help god as they can,
Here in Salt Lake City land!
 
2013-01-28 12:56:33 AM  

Gyrfalcon: Martian_Astronomer: Paul, like most of the apostles in the first century, believed that the world was about to end, and that therefore a Christian should devote his whole life to evangelism and remaining holy until the end came.

This is probably the one thing that most god-botherers (my best friend's phrase for these folks) don't really get about the Bible and especially the Gospels and Paul in particular. They all believed that Jesus was going to be returning very soon, as in immediately, and so people needed to live as if the world was going to end in the next few weeks. All these moral imperatives and physical restrictions are comparatively easy to maintain for a little while if you think god is coming in a normal human life; but not so much if it's been 2000 years and still no sign of god returning.


Hmmm, I don't think I could work on some guy for 2000 years without him coming ; )
 
2013-01-28 01:02:45 AM  
I suspect that verses like this, combined with others that set the husband as the final authority in the household, made it easier to justify laws in the West that defined spousal rape as a non-criminal act. Not a fan.
 
2013-01-28 01:11:18 AM  
Talk about REALLY not news.
 
2013-01-28 01:30:20 AM  

Marine1: The loosest interpretation of the Bible as it relates to sex... evar.

/you bet your brown cherry it's NSFW


"a couple should first look deeply into their own hearts and pray for guidance as to whether it is wise for the wife to fist the husband"

Just plain awesome :)

/not sure if serious
 
2013-01-28 01:33:43 AM  

George Babbitt: That Christ was an intervention on time to deal with the past so that humanity had a future.


Mcfly?
 
2013-01-28 01:57:22 AM  

bmr68: Smeggy Smurf: bmr68: Two guys in white dress shirts with black name tags knocked on my door this morning. They said "We encourage you to read the Bible more." I thanked them and shut the door in their faces.

Wrong response. You should have asked them why they are violating God's command to not judge others. How do they know you don't read the shiat out of the Bible? Judgemental busybodies

Correct, but they were just kids reading from a script.


You missed your chance to fark up their world view. The good thing is the dumbasses will come back. With a script of your own you can easily tie them up for a half hour, make them have to think about their answers and generally have a good time leading them down the path to the Group W bench.

This being Fark and our collective vast knowledge of being drunk I'd start with that. But if you don't have the time to mess with them you could just hand them some satanic version of chick tracks and ask them why their founder had to rip off the Masonic ritual.
 
2013-01-28 04:31:51 AM  

Marine1: The loosest interpretation of the Bible as it relates to sex... evar.

/you bet your brown cherry it's NSFW


And lo, they were shown the back door to Paradise, so that they may enter thereof. Bring unguents.
 
2013-01-28 05:12:45 AM  
Lessee, Bible says sex in marriage: good. Adultery: Bad. Yeah, I think that's pretty accurate. Who's got a problem with this?
 
2013-01-28 07:58:01 AM  

TrojanRabbit: I suspect that verses like this, combined with others that set the husband as the final authority in the household, made it easier to justify laws in the West that defined spousal rape as a non-criminal act. Not a fan.


You might be surprised to find out that the Bible is actually quite a bit more progressive towards women than most other belief systems of the time (or even many today).

The Old Testament records quite a few feats of heroic women, and even has an entire book telling the story how one particular woman saved the Jews from annihilation. Then we get to Proverbs, which has quite a lot to say about good (and bad) women. Read Proverbs 31 and tell me that the ancient Jews didn't have great respect for their housewives.

Then we get to the New Testament, which flat out says that women and men are equal in God's eyes. Jesus frequently hung out with women, and there were several who were important to his ministry. Then Paul comes along, who writes passages like the one in this thread, saying that it's not only a man's duty to frequently sex up his wife, but to make sure she enjoys it ("due benevolence" is the phrase used in the KJV). He also says that husbands are to love their wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for it, i.e. total, self-sacrificing love, not possession. Reading between the lines there: guys, if you want the respect and obedience of your wife, you have to earn it. After that, he goes on to say that all church leaders must be married (I guess the Catholics missed that one...), because Lord knows the guy can't do the job by himself.
 
2013-01-28 08:38:12 AM  

SpaceBison: Ezekiel 23:20
There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.


Is that wrong? should she not have done that?
 
2013-01-28 09:04:01 AM  

Gleeman: [jp3.r0tt.com image 400x446]

/bears repeating


Is that a real Bible verse? I've searched for it and haven't come up with anything.
 
2013-01-28 10:46:16 AM  

Via Infinito: Gleeman: [jp3.r0tt.com image 400x446]

/bears repeating

Is that a real Bible verse? I've searched for it and haven't come up with anything.


It's from 'Firefly'. I've seen some that say its an Hadith, but I can't find any confirmation of that.
 
2013-01-28 11:52:55 AM  
Farkin' fools, the word is celebrate.
 
2013-01-28 12:17:36 PM  
" ... it's the rule, eat the wafer ..."
 
2013-01-28 08:27:38 PM  

Clemkadidlefark: " ... it's the rule, eat the wafer ..."


yes sir *chomp* *chomp* *chomp*
 
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