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(Guardian)   You can become a British citizen as long as you can answer this simple question. What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?   (guardian.co.uk) divider line 81
    More: Weird, multiple-choice questions, modern britain, Magna Carta, playing tricks  
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10594 clicks; posted to Main » on 27 Jan 2013 at 1:49 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-01-27 10:54:25 AM
African or european?
 
2013-01-27 10:59:48 AM
Oh, bloody hell! They asked me what the capital of Assyria was.
 
2013-01-27 11:02:35 AM
It should ask them if they know how to cook anything other than sausages or canned food.

"You can?  Come on in!  Don't worry about that Hadrian's Wall nonsense."
 
2013-01-27 11:05:44 AM
Up to 150 MPH

/in a hurricane
 
2013-01-27 11:11:31 AM
In a blender?
 
2013-01-27 11:14:51 AM
Where I come from , a laden swallow. She spits.
 
2013-01-27 11:48:25 AM
I used to periodically ask that as a bonus question on tests. Sadly very few people knew the answer.
 
2013-01-27 12:22:18 PM

SilentStrider: African or european?

 
2013-01-27 12:29:56 PM
Blue.

...no yellow


Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh....
 
2013-01-27 12:49:56 PM

SilentStrider: African or european?


Done in one, of course.

/♫ I've got a lovely bunch of coco-nuts! ♫
 
2013-01-27 12:58:26 PM
How about Spotted Dick? I can make a good Spotted Dick.

And when I say make, I mean, I visited one of your "ladies of the night" and now disrobing is like a bio weapons attack that hurts me and kills you.

There I know two British things, now what the hell is a quango.
 
2013-01-27 01:08:06 PM
Earl Grey, hot. And he was French. WTF?
 
2013-01-27 01:41:33 PM

Fark Rye For Many Whores: How about Spotted Dick? I can make a good Spotted Dick.

And when I say make, I mean, I visited one of your "ladies of the night" and now disrobing is like a bio weapons attack that hurts me and kills you.

There I know two British things, now what the hell is a quango.


Quasi autonomous non government organisation.
 
2013-01-27 01:49:54 PM
i1079.photobucket.com
Faster than the Speed of Love...?
 
2013-01-27 01:50:50 PM
leading edge, over wing, wingtip?
 
2013-01-27 01:51:51 PM
Sorry, I don't answer stupid questions from wannabe nazis
 
2013-01-27 01:53:20 PM

prjindigo: leading edge, over wing, wingtip?


And do you have to hang a coconut from the swallow under the dorsal guiding feathers?
 
2013-01-27 01:57:07 PM

SilentStrider: African or european?


What? I don't know that....Aaaaaa
 
2013-01-27 01:57:10 PM

SilentStrider: African or european?


I.....I don't know that.....

web2.clarkson.edu

AAAAAHHHHH!
 
2013-01-27 01:57:46 PM

FloydA: Blue.

...no yellow


Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh....


it wasn't yellow!!! you fail
 
2013-01-27 01:58:09 PM

ClavellBCMI: prjindigo: leading edge, over wing, wingtip?

And do you have to hang a coconut from the swallow under the dorsal guiding feathers?


He grasps it by the husk.
 
2013-01-27 01:59:11 PM
In Canada it's a test of snowshoeing, running a canoe down rapids, and building an igloo. And something about some guy named Laurier MacDonald Thomson.

/AND DON'T PET THE BEAVERS!
 
2013-01-27 02:00:48 PM
On the old Il2 Sturmovik forums, some wag put this up. Where aviation nerds and Monty Python buffs crossover.

i50.tinypic.com
It was named the Schwalbe.
 
2013-01-27 02:00:57 PM

SilentStrider: African or european?


That IS the correct answer.

As it turns out, the question is also standard in concession-stand job interviews.
 
2013-01-27 02:02:25 PM
African swallows are non-migratory, so they must be asking about the european swallow. I thought they would ask something about the watery tart that had a special sword.
 
2013-01-27 02:03:08 PM
The main thing I remember about a visit to the UK is a sign in a park that read, "Please don't worry the waterfowl."

Up to that point I was planning to ask the waterfowl if they had saved up enough for retirement, but then I refrained.
 
2013-01-27 02:03:20 PM
revised Strouhal numbers based on that study all lead me to estimate that the average cruising airspeed velocity of an unladen European Swallow is roughly 11 meters per second, or 24 miles an hour.

http://style.org/unladenswallow/

This is a well organized website with step-by-step simple algebra and pretty wing-amplitude pictures.
 
2013-01-27 02:03:54 PM
CSB time:

I had an 8 hour layover at LHR so I decided to go see the sights. While passing through the metal detector I jumped through it in a dramatic fashion. It beeped and the TSA-equivalent drone asked me to go through again. It didn't go off and he said, "it must have been the silly hop", to which I replied, "is this the ministry of silly hops"? Apparently Monty Python wasn't a hit in whatever Caribbean island he was originally from.
 
2013-01-27 02:07:01 PM

syrynxx: It should ask them if they know how to cook anything other than sausages or canned food.

"You can?  Come on in!  Don't worry about that Hadrian's Wall nonsense."


Know how I know you've never been to the UK?
 
2013-01-27 02:09:05 PM
our national love of gardening and garden design and work produced by influential architects including Christopher Wren and Norman Foster."

Who designed the giant dildo as seen in this picture?

tourism2india.com

Correct answer: Jimmy Saville
 
2013-01-27 02:09:22 PM
And yet, despite knowing nearly none of the answers in the article and having been in the UK a total of 10 days in my life, I'm a UK citizen jus sanguinis.
 
2013-01-27 02:10:43 PM
New citizenship test will quiz people on all aspects of British life including comedy, music, history and science

If they didn't put in the comedy and music questions, only an immigrant could actually pass.
 
2013-01-27 02:11:07 PM

RedT: ClavellBCMI: prjindigo: leading edge, over wing, wingtip?

And do you have to hang a coconut from the swallow under the dorsal guiding feathers?

He grasps it by the husk.


It doesn't matter where he grips it!
 
2013-01-27 02:11:52 PM
fyi,  "quasi autonomous non-governmental organisation". quango.
 
2013-01-27 02:13:12 PM

meanmutton: And yet, despite knowing nearly none of the answers in the article and having been in the UK a total of 10 days in my life, I'm a UK citizen jus sanguinis.


I'm a UK citizen jus sanguinis, and I've never been
 
2013-01-27 02:15:08 PM

pjbreeze: African swallows are non-migratory, so they must be asking about the european swallow. I thought they would ask something about the watery tart that had a special sword.


The answer is "Great Tits"...I know all about Great Tits. ;^)
 
2013-01-27 02:15:29 PM

snowcircle: RedT: ClavellBCMI: prjindigo: leading edge, over wing, wingtip?

And do you have to hang a coconut from the swallow under the dorsal guiding feathers?

He grasps it by the husk.

It doesn't matter where he grips it!


Are you suggesting coconut migrate?
 
2013-01-27 02:15:30 PM
Baron - 3 seconds lol
/great minds
 
2013-01-27 02:20:01 PM
Only a spit achieves air speed.
 
2013-01-27 02:21:42 PM
It's not a question of where he grips it. It's a matter of weight ratios
 
2013-01-27 02:23:27 PM

ClavellBCMI: prjindigo: leading edge, over wing, wingtip?

And do you have to hang a coconut from the swallow under the dorsal guiding feathers?


No, no, you grasp it by the husk.
 
2013-01-27 02:24:01 PM
Ftfa: "Instead of telling people how to claim benefits it encourages participation in British life," he said.

Hey, being on the dole, you can watch a lot of tv and learn the answers to that stuff!

I would totally fail that test. Luckily I'm not tryin to become a brit.

I think it's funny that the dutch make potential immigrants watch two men make out and say "this is what you have to accept if you live here. We're liberals, get the fark out if you don't like it!"
 
2013-01-27 02:29:37 PM

SilentStrider: African or european?


And what if it's carrying a shrubbery?
 
2013-01-27 02:34:15 PM
the swallows from San Juan Capistrano?
north america has many types of swallows, just ask your mom
 
2013-01-27 02:41:18 PM
WTF is "air speed velocity?"
 
2013-01-27 02:41:46 PM
BURMA!
 
2013-01-27 02:45:01 PM

FloydA: BURMA!


Why did you say "Burma"?
 
2013-01-27 02:45:54 PM

b0rscht: WTF is "air speed velocity?"


It's what the swallow uses to travel a certain distance displacement by air.
 
2013-01-27 02:53:15 PM

Huck And Molly Ziegler: FloydA: BURMA!

Why did you say "Burma"?


I panicked.
 
2013-01-27 03:08:34 PM
Monty Python is not funny.
 
2013-01-27 03:16:06 PM
A score of 75% from 24 questions will be a pass and the test will only be open to people who speak English to a required standard (level 3 of the English for Speakers of Other Languages system).

In before "Racism!"
 
2013-01-27 03:20:10 PM
African or ...

... oh someone beat me to it.
 
2013-01-27 03:26:40 PM

Repo Man: On the old Il2 Sturmovik forums, some wag put this up. Where aviation nerds and Monty Python buffs crossover.

[i50.tinypic.com image 720x520]
It was named the Schwalbe.


Looks like its carrying an anti-Tacgnol yarn-ball bomb.
 
2013-01-27 03:33:47 PM

FloydA: What are the guys at Apple going to come up with next?


Nudge, nudge.
 
2013-01-27 03:44:20 PM
Boy, you could sure clean the country out fast if you required native-born British subjects to know who the Hell Clement Atlee was and what he did.


Questioner: Who was Clement Atlee?


I believe he was a minor British Prime Minister and politician.


Questioner: What did he accomplish?

No one knows. But as far as I can discover, absolutely nothing.

Questioner: Welcome to Britain! You are obviously a Russian spy since no British person would know or care a fig about Clement Atlee, so we're assigning you to Cambridge University as a Instructor in the Faculty of Arts, to teach Political Science. Here's a free sub to The Guardian to help you keep up on current events and a sub to the Times Educatiional Supplement to find out more about the remarkably unremarkable career of Clement Atlee. With sufficient research grant monies, we may be able to answer the many questions which remain unanswered Clement Atlee, such as "Who the Hell was Clement Atlee?" and "Why the Fork should I care?"
 
2013-01-27 03:48:02 PM

brantgoose: Boy, you could sure clean the country out fast if you required native-born British subjects to know who the Hell Clement Atlee was and what he did.


Or if you required them to correctly spell "Attlee".
 
2013-01-27 03:49:31 PM
Directly proportional to the number of eels in one's hovercraft.
 
2013-01-27 04:05:58 PM

brantgoose: Boy, you could sure clean the country out fast if you required native-born British subjects to know who the Hell Clement Atlee was and what he did.


Questioner: Who was Clement Atlee?

I believe he was a minor British Prime Minister and politician.


Questioner: What did he accomplish?

No one knows. But as far as I can discover, absolutely nothing.

Questioner: Welcome to Britain! You are obviously a Russian spy since no British person would know or care a fig about Clement Atlee, so we're assigning you to Cambridge University as a Instructor in the Faculty of Arts, to teach Political Science. Here's a free sub to The Guardian to help you keep up on current events and a sub to the Times Educatiional Supplement to find out more about the remarkably unremarkable career of Clement Atlee. With sufficient research grant monies, we may be able to answer the many questions which remain unanswered Clement Atlee, such as "Who the Hell was Clement Atlee?" and "Why the Fork should I care?"


Clement Attlee was the guy who beat Churchill in the 1945 election and instituted the National Health Service. He changed Britain more than any postwar PM except Thatcher.
 
2013-01-27 04:13:52 PM
"You can become a British citizen as long as you can answer this simple question. What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?"
I think it would depend on how good your pitching arm is.
 
2013-01-27 04:16:28 PM
From The Comments:

@shhush - farking immigrants, coming over here and playing with our pencils.

I lol'd
 
2013-01-27 04:39:37 PM

gwowen: Clement Attlee was the guy who beat Churchill in the 1945 election and instituted the National Health Service. He changed Britain more than any postwar PM except Thatcher.


All the work setting up the NHS was done before Attlee came to power, under the Conservative led war government of Churchill.

1944 White Paper setting out the NHS.

The Beveridge Report, also under the Conservative government, set up the welfare state and social security.

In both cases the planning was done under a Conservative government. Attlee just followed those plans. Whoever came to power after the war would have created the NHS and Social security.
 
2013-01-27 04:44:38 PM

digistil: syrynxx: It should ask them if they know how to cook anything other than sausages or canned food.

"You can?  Come on in!  Don't worry about that Hadrian's Wall nonsense."

Know how I know you've never been to the UK?


I read Daily Mail! I saw a reference to bangers and mash in The Davinci Code!  Fawlty Towers had many jokes about canned food!

No, I haven't.  I'll go when I have a decent amount of time to wallow in it instead of some tour-guide checklist vacation.
 
2013-01-27 05:20:22 PM

Flint Ironstag: gwowen: Clement Attlee was the guy who beat Churchill in the 1945 election and instituted the National Health Service. He changed Britain more than any postwar PM except Thatcher.

All the work setting up the NHS was done before Attlee came to power, under the Conservative led war government of Churchill.

1944 White Paper setting out the NHS.

The Beveridge Report, also under the Conservative government, set up the welfare state and social security.

In both cases the planning was done under a Conservative government. Attlee just followed those plans. Whoever came to power after the war would have created the NHS and Social security.


LORD PALMERSTON!
 
2013-01-27 05:35:50 PM
Air-speed velocity is like air-mail velocity (basically how fast your mail travels) but amphets instead of mail.

Amiright?
 
2013-01-27 05:48:16 PM

Flint Ironstag: gwowen: Clement Attlee was the guy who beat Churchill in the 1945 election and instituted the National Health Service. He changed Britain more than any postwar PM except Thatcher.

All the work setting up the NHS was done before Attlee came to power, under the Conservative led war government of Churchill.

1944 White Paper setting out the NHS.

The Beveridge Report, also under the Conservative government, set up the welfare state and social security.

In both cases the planning was done under a Conservative government. Attlee just followed those plans. Whoever came to power after the war would have created the NHS and Social security.


The war wasn't a Conservative government, it was a coalition. And the Beveridge Report wad mainly about the benefits / pension elements of the Welfare State, rather than the NHS

The Conservative manifesto called from voluntary hospitals to be free, but was a million miles from what Bevan actually implemented. Which is why *every single Conservative MP* voted against it. Every single one. All of them. Without exception.
 
2013-01-27 06:19:41 PM

letrole: Monty Python is not funny.



I see..Do you want the full argument,or were you thinking of taking a course?
 
2013-01-27 06:31:01 PM

gwowen: Flint Ironstag: gwowen: Clement Attlee was the guy who beat Churchill in the 1945 election and instituted the National Health Service. He changed Britain more than any postwar PM except Thatcher.

All the work setting up the NHS was done before Attlee came to power, under the Conservative led war government of Churchill.

1944 White Paper setting out the NHS.

The Beveridge Report, also under the Conservative government, set up the welfare state and social security.

In both cases the planning was done under a Conservative government. Attlee just followed those plans. Whoever came to power after the war would have created the NHS and Social security.

The war wasn't a Conservative government, it was a coalition. And the Beveridge Report wad mainly about the benefits / pension elements of the Welfare State, rather than the NHS

The Conservative manifesto called from voluntary hospitals to be free, but was a million miles from what Bevan actually implemented. Which is why *every single Conservative MP* voted against it. Every single one. All of them. Without exception.


THe Beveridge Report was the first time a National Health Service was ever mentioned, according to the Liberal Democrats. Link and the NHS was very much a big part of that report. Conservatives fully supported that, and far from being "A million miles" from what Attlee implemented the difference was the Tories wanted hospitals to be under local authorities, like schools, rather than a central NHS. Labour nationalised hospitals and took away rights to choose your own doctor etc.

The Conservatives said in their manifesto:
The health services of the country will be made available to all citizens. Everyone will contribute to the cost, and no one will be denied the attention, the treatment or the appliances he requires because he cannot afford them. We propose to create a comprehensive health service covering the whole range of medical treatment from the general practitioner to the specialist, and from the hospital to convalescence and rehabilitation


They disagreed how to do it, not that it should be done. Whichever party had come to power would have created the NHS, a single payer healthcare system free to all at point of use. They differed on the details of how to do it.
The idea that "Labour did it and if it were not for them it would not have happened" is rubbish.
 
2013-01-27 06:35:32 PM

letrole: Monty Python is not funny.


Lemon Curry?
 
2013-01-27 08:40:42 PM

AcesFull: letrole: Monty Python is not funny.


I see..Do you want the full argument,or were you thinking of taking a course?


Great response!
 
2013-01-27 09:16:25 PM
Am I the only one imagining a muslim family from some remote part of a religious country being forced to sit down and watch Monty Python and holding back tears and wondering what nightmarish country they've come to?
 
2013-01-27 09:50:07 PM

ModernLuddite: Am I the only one imagining a muslim family from some remote part of a religious country being forced to sit down and watch Monty Python and holding back tears and wondering what nightmarish country they've come to?


They could watch the Pakistani Dalek family.
 
2013-01-27 10:04:35 PM

ModernLuddite: Am I the only one imagining a muslim family from some remote part of a religious country being forced to sit down and watch Monty Python and holding back tears and wondering what nightmarish country they've come to?


I saw an interview with a British-Indian comedian, who said he had this conversation with his father while watching Monty Python and discussing his career plans:
"Look at that man wearing a dress, how ridiculous, why would you want to be like him? What...he went to Cambridge? Why don't you act more like him?"
 
2013-01-27 10:23:57 PM
And what do you burn besides witches?

letrole: Monty Python is not funny.
 
2013-01-27 10:52:18 PM

HenryFnord: meanmutton: And yet, despite knowing nearly none of the answers in the article and having been in the UK a total of 10 days in my life, I'm a UK citizen jus sanguinis.

I'm a UK citizen jus sanguinis, and I've never been


Serious question: Is this 'jus sanguinus' having one or both grandparents being born in the UK, granting me automatic citizenship?

I have both my paternal grandparents' b.c.'s from England....

Thanks
 
2013-01-28 03:21:12 AM

cnocnanrionnag: HenryFnord: meanmutton: And yet, despite knowing nearly none of the answers in the article and having been in the UK a total of 10 days in my life, I'm a UK citizen jus sanguinis.

I'm a UK citizen jus sanguinis, and I've never been

Serious question: Is this 'jus sanguinus' having one or both grandparents being born in the UK, granting me automatic citizenship?

I have both my paternal grandparents' b.c.'s from England....

Thanks


First off, I am not a solicitor, nor do I play one on tv, nor did I stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night (or ever) but I have been through this process a few years ago. If you're serious, you should definitely speak to someone who is a solicitor - British citizenship law is probably the most complex in the world due to all the ex-colonial nonsense, and you may fall under one or more of their laws as well as UK law.

The short answer, however, would appear to be no, you have no claim. There is no provision in current UK law for British citizenship to skip a generation. One of your parents, and specifically your father if you were born before 1983, would have to be British too in order to pass it on to you. Not only that, but he would have to be British by being born there. If he was British only by descent from his father, he cannot pass it on to you, unless you were born there, in which case why are you asking...

The only exception I can think of would be if you are stateless. Then you may have a case to be a British Protected Person. A BPP is not the same as a citizen - you have no right to live or work in the UK, for example. It's a sort of catch-all status-of-last-resort for people who have some connection to the UK, but otherwise have fallen through all the cracks. However you must prove that no other country will have you, and you will lose it as soon as another one takes you in.

Another possible route may be to apply for a visa to live/work there. Family connections may be taken into account in reviewing you application. Once you have lived legally in the UK for five years (three if married to a citizen) you can then apply for British citizenship by naturalization.
 
2013-01-28 09:11:53 AM
Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?

The answer is "Potatoe".
 
2013-01-28 09:36:56 AM

postnobills: Another possible route may be to apply for a visa to live/work there. Family connections may be taken into account in reviewing you application. Once you have lived legally in the UK for five years (three if married to a citizen) you can then apply for British citizenship by naturalization.


How does Right of Abode work? My materal grandmother was born in Cumberland (before they changed the name back to Cumbria), and the impression I've gotten is that I could like and work in the UK with less hassle than the average immigrant (although I still wouldn't be a citizen). I also think I've read somewhere that my mother would have to go through all the paperwork and get RoA before I could.
 
2013-01-28 06:42:12 PM

PainInTheASP: Oh, bloody hell! They asked me what the capital of Assyria was.


Nineveh
 
2013-01-28 08:17:49 PM

Bondith: How does Right of Abode work?


They let you use the reader as long as you install the crappy auto-updater.
 
2013-01-28 09:19:06 PM

powerful katrinka: AcesFull: letrole: Monty Python is not funny.


I see..Do you want the full argument,or were you thinking of taking a course?

Great response!


It's only a model.
 
2013-01-28 09:52:18 PM

Mister Peejay: powerful katrinka: AcesFull: letrole: Monty Python is not funny.


I see..Do you want the full argument,or were you thinking of taking a course?

Great response!

It's only a model.


There were a 150 of us living in a shoebox in the middle of the road..We had to get up out of the shoebox at midnight and lick the road clean with our tongues..We got two bits of cold gravel to eat and then had to work at the mill 24 hrs.a day for sixpence every four years..And when we got home,Dad would slice us in two with a bread knife..
 
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