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(Cracked)   4 reasons Spider-Man is secretly bad at his job (besides the fact that his brain is currently taken over by Doc Ock)   (cracked.com) divider line 8
    More: Obvious, Spider-Man, Reasons Spider, Doc Ock  
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6299 clicks; posted to Geek » on 21 Jan 2013 at 3:31 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-01-21 11:39:09 PM
2 votes:

wildcardjack: [cdn.leasticoulddo.com image 850x285]

I posted this one because it fits. SMBC did one about Superman being used as a power supply.

Spider Man is almost as bad as Aqua Man. All the characters in comics get endowed with super powers and use them to fight. You don't see things like Superman becoming a satellite repairman or a laser powered surgeon. CRFH might feature low rent art but at least they didn't become super heroes.
Batman's at least human. But I don't remember much about Wayne Industries or any foundations do much to improve inner city conditions through economic activity or sending out counselors to mediate between gangs. The Rotary Club has an initiative to stamp out polio, and that's helping more people than any vigilante super heroing.


One of the best things about Spider-man is that his powers don't necessarily lead to crime fighting, they are things you wish you could do in real life.

Let me explain: a lot of the mutants have the power of optic blasts, flinging fireballs, exploding shiat, disintegrating people in flashy ways, being really good with a gun with 15 barrels from the future, wielding an enchanted sword, etc.

But Parker has really fast reflexes, is pretty strong, HAS SPIDEY-SENSE, can stick to/walk on walls, can spin a web, any size. His webbing is mostly non-lethal, unless he forgets the laws of physics when trying to save someone. Mostly he can incapacitate villains with it.

I know people's power fantasies are different, but there are a million ways to improve your daily life with Parker's abilities that don't involve running around like Lobo or Deadpool beating everyone to a pulp or committing genocide. Sure, he has more difficulty outside of the big city where he can't virtually "fly," but by and large, Parker uses his powers to protect the people around him. And being that he is a New York City boy, that's not that much of a limitation.

Peter is pretty bad at his job, if only because he wishes so much he didn't have it.
2013-01-21 07:33:29 PM
2 votes:
Actually, to be a big old Spidey nerd here, the point to the whole Octavius in Parker's brain/body thing is to point out that Peter Parker's one major problem is that he never completely applied himself to anything until his back was against the wall, and even then it was only enough to win the day.

Otto has access to Pete's memories, and he's both bewildered and disgusted by the fact that Parker could have done <i>so much</i> and chose to tone it down. He always held back, or didn't put forward all his intelligence and power.

Parker is still in his own brain, by the way. He is apparently functioning as Otto's subconscious, and he's doing a good job of keeping Otto on the straight-and-narrow, and learning from what Otto's doing in his time as Spider-Man.

Recently, Otto-Spidey kicked Wolverine's ass. He decided he was frustrated with Parker always letting Logan piss him off and treat him like an annoying kid, and he did something about it. Easily. As I've been saying all along, Spider-Man is a lot tougher than most people give him credit for. He is also a lot tougher than he allows himself to be. With his combination of intelligence and physical might, along with his skill at inventing cool gadgets and developing incredible strategies based on science, he could probably be a super-powered Batman to the Avengers' JLA if he really wanted to. Maybe that's what Otto's going for, here.

Which means I'm really looking forward to the moment when his contingency plans to deal with every active Avenger are revealed. I would be thrilled to see Spidey kick Thor's ass with good planning, gadgetry, and unique use of his powers. (If Batman can beat Superman, then Spider-Man can beat Thor. Right?)

<i>Spider-Man's a decent hero once he gets on the scene, which means that if he wants to be serious about his heroism, he should quit his job as a photographer and work as a bike messenger.</i>

He hasn't been a photographer for a long time now. Briefly, in recent years, he tried doing paparazzi photos but realized it was sleazy. Otherwise, he has been a science teacher, Tony Stark's lab assistant, and currently works for a major tech firm (Horizon Labs) as an inventor. He has invented many very lucrative and ingenious things, and uses the lab to make gadgets for his career as Spider-Man.

Jeez... The Daily Bugle is a blog now. JJJ is Mayor of New York. He sold the Bugle ages ago. Parker hasn't been associated with the Bugle for quite a while. Even before One More Day, he had been out of the photography game for several years.

<i>I'm too cool for video links, but was one of the reasons Spider-Man is bad at his job the fact that most of New York City doesn't have the skyscraper infrastructure necessary for his preferred mode of travel? And that even in an infinite grid of infinitely tall buildings, the physics of pendula mean that his forward velocity is going to max out at about 35 mph?</i>

1. He can leap from building to building when there's not enough height for web-slinging. Seriously, he can jump a long way.

2. You're forgetting that the webs have an elastic quality. They don't act like rope or cables. They act like very strong elastic strings that can add "snap" to his swing. He also leaps (see above) at the height of his swing, gaining altitude and distance before shooting another web line.

3. Have you ever tried to drive in Manhattan? Getting across the city even at 35 mph in a somewhat straight line is going to be WAY faster than maneuvering the crowded streets, waiting behind taxicabs, and avoiding all the construction and temporary street closings that prevent you from getting from Point A to Point B in a relatively decent amount of time. I'd say that at 35 mph in a straight light (over and around buildings) Spider-Man would easily beat a car capable of doing 100 mph if they both started at the same point on a typical day in NYC. The car would turn a corner and be stuck there for 10 minutes.

No, web-slinging not flight, but it's still pretty efficient considering his body's physical attributes. Ever seen a wolf spider jump? Picture that with a man who barely lands on the side of a building on his toes and fingertips before springing away faster than you can blink.

Anyway, you're picturing him swinging like Tarzan on vines, when really, it's more like he's catapulting himself across the city with on-demand slingshots.
2013-01-21 04:02:37 PM
2 votes:
These people are freaking awful.
2013-01-21 03:50:28 PM
2 votes:
I'm not one to dump on Cracked lists, but Cracked videos should not exist. That was awful.
2013-01-22 12:53:03 AM
1 votes:

ZeroCorpse: So don't give me this "Oh No they retconned him!" crap about him being suddenly powered-up. He has ALWAYS been a supremely powerful Marvel character who just pulled his punches and held back until he had no choice. Given the right situation and enough preparation, he could probably take on the prime Avengers (Captain America, Thor, Iron Man, Giant-Man, Wasp, Hulk) and win with his combination of intellect, powers, gadgets, and never-give-up willpower.


Spidey has typically been presented as having a strength level at about baseline Hulk. He holds back against most enemies, because he doesn't need the extra guilt of killing or maiming some tool like Vulture or Fancy Dan. He usually loses/fights to a draw his first bout with a new villain, until he figures out how to beat them. He isn't crazy prepared like Batman, but he can always plan on the fly well enough to be in the same league as him in the final analysis.

Parker's difficulties seem to arise from protecting his loved ones, and trying to not be a hero. The video questions why he doesn't tell his loved ones that he is Spider-man, because that would make things easier.

Let's take that apart.

1. Aunt May: In most incarnations she is a frail old lady. She treats Peter like a momma's boy, and it is made clear that the shock of discovering that he is a superhero, particularly a superhero that everyone hates, might kill her

2. Gwen Stacy: Well, she might have accepted Peter as Spider-man, if not for the fact that Spider-man was related to the death of her father. He was prepared to tell her, but events got in the way to the extent that it was impossible to tell the truth. Shakespearean tragedy, there.

3. Mary Jane: He finally told her, although she already knew.

4. Black Cat thinks he is sexy and desireable as Spider-man, she has no use for Peter Parker.

5. Betty Brandt: Her brother was killed in a fight with Doc Ock, she blamed Spider-man

I could go on, but we see a pattern here- Parker would like to tell people he loves about his identity, but events conspire to make it seem the people he loves would hate him if he confessed that he was Spider-man. Therefore, he keeps his secret identity secret. Cracked failed there, thinking they had found some big flaw in him not telling his friends, in the way that Superman's parents knew. Spider-man was born in the death of his uncle. How could he admit that to his aunt? Several good issues have revolved around Aunt May and Peter confessing how they both felt guilty about that night for different reasons.
2013-01-22 12:23:05 AM
1 votes:

HotWingAgenda: ZeroCorpse: Recently, Otto-Spidey kicked Wolverine's ass. He decided he was frustrated with Parker always letting Logan piss him off and treat him like an annoying kid, and he did something about it. Easily.


Great. Yet another superhero gets retconned into being way the fark more powerful than ever before, and starts kicking ass all over the place, rendering his weaknesses pointless. We totally don't have enough comic book characters like that. *cough* superman *cough* batman *cough* wolverine *cough * greenlantern


That's not a retcon. Spidey kicked the asses of the entire team of Uncanny X-Men WAY way back in the original Secret Wars. He has ALWAYS been one of the toughest heroes out there, but always held back when dealing with people who could suffer grievous injury or death at his hands.

He also kicked the early Fantastic Four's butts until Reed's Baxter Building defenses evened the playing field and contained him. From the beginning there have been panels where other heroes say something to the effect of "His speed... Amazing!" or "He's stronger than he lets on!" or "I seriously underestimated Spider-Man." Captain America has called him "one of the greats" and Wolverine has always respected Parker, even as he considered him too tame and annoying.

No, Spider-Man isn't usually going to take on Thor and win with his powers alone, but he has consistently beaten very powerful foes (Hulk, Juggernaut, etc.), or WHOLE TEAMS of powerful foes, from day one onward. He has been kicking the Sinister Six's asses since 1964, and that's a team made up of (at varying times) Doc Ock (genius, super-strong tentacles), Rhino (superhuman strength, endurance, and durability), Scorpion (super-strong and fast with the ability to deliver a deadly sting or cut steel with his hands), Electro (controls electricity, shoots electrical bolts, can affect electronic devices), Mysterio (gadget genius with many illusions, robots, and other attacks), Kraven (superhuman strength, speed, reflexes and senses. Superior combat abilities), Chameleon (super-spy, master of disguise and mimicry, skilled marksman, grade-A sicko), Sandman (a man comprised of living sand, capable of forming any shape he desires and changing density from loose to hard-packed like stone), Hydro-Man (comprised of living water, able to hit with the force of a tidal wave or drown enemies), Hobgoblin (super-strong, super reflexes, healing factor, deadly weapons and gadgets), Lizard (savage lizard-man with superhuman strength, speed, senses and durability, as well as a supreme healing factor and powerful jaws), Speed Demon (a speedster not unlike Kid Flash in terms of power/speed), and even Venom (all of Spider-Man's abilities, but stronger and capable of canceling out Spider-sense. Shapeshifting, too).

Spidey has beaten the Sinister Six in every incarnation it took. No matter how many super-powered villains joined together with the goal of destroying Spider-Man, it was Spidey who walked away and the Six who ended up with their jaws jacked up, in prison.

He did this ALONE. He fought guys who outmatched him in sheer power as a team, and won every single time.

So don't give me this "Oh No they retconned him!" crap about him being suddenly powered-up. He has ALWAYS been a supremely powerful Marvel character who just pulled his punches and held back until he had no choice. Given the right situation and enough preparation, he could probably take on the prime Avengers (Captain America, Thor, Iron Man, Giant-Man, Wasp, Hulk) and win with his combination of intellect, powers, gadgets, and never-give-up willpower.
2013-01-21 04:27:32 PM
1 votes:
I see they rebranded farktv
2013-01-21 03:55:02 PM
1 votes:
I'm too cool for video links, but was one of the reasons Spider-Man is bad at his job the fact that most of New York City doesn't have the skyscraper infrastructure necessary for his preferred mode of travel? And that even in an infinite grid of infinitely tall buildings, the physics of pendula mean that his forward velocity is going to max out at about 35 mph?

Spider-Man's a decent hero once he gets on the scene, which means that if he wants to be serious about his heroism, he should quit his job as a photographer and work as a bike messenger.
 
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