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(Toronto Star)   Toronto Star columnist garners world-wide attention for writing the worst opening sentence ever to a news story   (thestar.com) divider line 105
    More: Fail, Toronto Star, breast reduction, anesthesiologists, David Duchovny, hysterectomy, bench trial, convictions  
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23214 clicks; posted to Main » on 20 Jan 2013 at 9:15 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-01-20 10:20:10 AM  
slack jawed lokal
 
2013-01-20 10:23:39 AM  
She wanted a basement but only ended up with the semen inside.
 
2013-01-20 10:26:52 AM  
"Invasive touching around the nipples?"

So, did he make five little slits just big enough for each finger and thumb? Or just three like a bowling ball? Or maybe just one to swish it around in there? Yick.
 
2013-01-20 10:33:22 AM  
Dood, naught the penis.
 
2013-01-20 10:40:08 AM  

Devolving_Spud: "It was a dark and stormy night. Suddenly, a doctor rang the doorbell..."
[midwifetothestars.files.wordpress.com image 280x210]


mimg.ugo.com
"Sultry! The night was SULTRY!"
 
2013-01-20 10:42:28 AM  
I wanna know i wanna know
 
2013-01-20 10:48:26 AM  

Ral: Louisiana_Sitar_Club: She has a daughter and son-in-law that are veterinary surgeons. What would that be in years? I'm guessing you would need a B.S. and at least two years of post grad work. That would put her daughter at around 24 years old, minimum. The victim is now 39. So, she had her first child at 15 or younger?

Different victim. The victim with the vet kids is someone else who reported an incident with this anesthesiologist from a few years earlier.


Hmm. Turns out I suck at reading.
 
2013-01-20 10:49:32 AM  
I thought this was more a dentistry thing.
 
2013-01-20 10:50:41 AM  

Fear the Clam: Wow, those Canadians sure like to drug and rape people.


We missed half of hockey season this year. What else were we supposed to do?
 
2013-01-20 10:51:44 AM  

Louisiana_Sitar_Club: Hmm. Turns out I suck at reading.


Not as much as me. Here I was thinking the vet surgeon was the one doing the fondling.
 
2013-01-20 10:53:16 AM  
More: Fail, Toronto Star, breast reduction, anesthesiologists, David Duchovny, hysterectomy, bench trial, convictions

wut
 
2013-01-20 10:53:57 AM  
My orthodontic surgeon killed himself after a woman came forward claiming he took off her panties while she was still under. The day after the story broke more women came forward claiming the same thing. Things like that do happen. Many doctors have a god complex and think the rules only apply to the little people.
 
2013-01-20 10:58:37 AM  

Bit'O'Gristle: The doctors, nurses, there is NO way that this guy could whip out his johnson and give her a oral exam, or make out with her, with all those people right there.


Maybe he was checking her temperature?
 
2013-01-20 11:07:05 AM  

Make More Hinjews: But remember, kids - tort reform!


Tort reform is old and busted. The new push is for Tart reform, especially the uppity ones.
 
2013-01-20 11:11:09 AM  

swaniefrmreddeer: Many doctors have a god complex and think the rules only apply to the little people.


unrealitymag.com
"Let me tell you something. I am God!"
 
2013-01-20 11:13:58 AM  
She lost a womb but gained a penis.

This sounds like the closing line to a bizarre scifi coming of age story. I picture it as starting with a woman who at some sort of boarding school, realizes that she hates her peers and (through a series of events) concludes that she would only be able to achieve self fulfillment by becoming a man.
 
2013-01-20 11:16:20 AM  

WhippingBoy: moogoob:

- Elizabeth Aird
- Jeanie Read
- Lynn Cockburn

Gah, I feel dirty just typing those names...


Well, yeah.
Cock burn?
Yeouch!
 
2013-01-20 11:17:23 AM  

Gergesa: she would only be able to achieve self fulfillment by becoming a man.


My ex-girlfriend used to fulfill herself a lot with some of those strange buzzing thingies she kept lying arouns everywhere. She didn't feel the need to become a man.
 
2013-01-20 11:30:19 AM  

Devolving_Spud: "It was a dark and stormy night. Suddenly, a doctor rang the doorbell..."
[midwifetothestars.files.wordpress.com image 280x210]


Ayup.
 
2013-01-20 11:33:57 AM  
Second sentence was worse
 
2013-01-20 11:39:29 AM  

starsrift: Bit'O'Gristle: I'm calling bullshiat on this one. There are far too many people in the room for anyone to get away with that crap. The doctors, nurses, there is NO way that this guy could whip out his johnson and give her a oral exam, or make out with her, with all those people right there. Bullshiat.

I could see making out. Bend over the patient, shoulders obscure everything. But whipping out the penis sounds very, very unlikely.


You guys sound like the kind of people he's hoping are on the jury. Aren't you supposed to hide your horrible prejudices?
 
2013-01-20 11:47:20 AM  

cwolf20: Second sentence was worse


The whole article is an abomination along the lines of a Jersey Shore marathon brought to you by Slap Chop.
 
2013-01-20 12:04:00 PM  
Maybe I'm also suffering from a lack of reading comprehension, but if she was lucid enough to realize she had a mouth full of the cocky, why didn't she just bite down. Even a little pressure would likely be enough to gain a reaction.
 
2013-01-20 12:15:27 PM  

Indypendy: Maybe I'm also suffering from a lack of reading comprehension, but if she was lucid enough to realize she had a mouth full of the cocky, why didn't she just bite down. Even a little pressure would likely be enough to gain a reaction.

The more you know
 
2013-01-20 12:21:18 PM  

Devolving_Spud: Indypendy: Maybe I'm also suffering from a lack of reading comprehension, but if she was lucid enough to realize she had a mouth full of the cocky, why didn't she just bite down. Even a little pressure would likely be enough to gain a reaction.
The more you know


FTA: D.D. tried to speak but only mumbles emerged.

So was she mumbling because of the anesthesia,or because she had a mouthful?

/not completely awake yet so please forgive my confusion.
//more coffee please
 
2013-01-20 12:38:39 PM  
20 women?
How does he avoid the ones who would later cut his balls off with a rusty knife?
 
2013-01-20 12:40:46 PM  
Oh dear, Rosie's at it again. I have no idea how she keeps a job with that lack of writing skill and overblown emotional drivel.

I have a ton of sympathy for the women victims of a predatory doctor, but this type of writing certainly doesn't make anybody have any sympathy for anybody other than the rest of the readers of the column.
 
2013-01-20 12:51:09 PM  
"I smelled him because he had his penis in my mouth..."

www.justsaypictures.com
 
2013-01-20 12:56:32 PM  
Cuchulane
I guess it possible, but still seems odd.He's originally from India, and they are known for their respectful treatment of women... oh...hmm...


Which Indians do you mean Cuchulane ? The Aryan/Indo-Europeans with the cultures going back to Edda books (which are far far more respectful of women than any of the Abrahamic religions) or the Dravidians or the Aboriginal people or the 150 million or so chinese/asian Indians ?
 
2013-01-20 01:00:27 PM  
t.qkme.me
 
2013-01-20 01:07:33 PM  

pstudent12: Cuchulane
I guess it possible, but still seems odd.He's originally from India, and they are known for their respectful treatment of women... oh...hmm...

Which Indians do you mean Cuchulane ? The Aryan/Indo-Europeans with the cultures going back to Edda books (which are far far more respectful of women than any of the Abrahamic religions) or the Dravidians or the Aboriginal people or the 150 million or so chinese/asian Indians ?


The ones with the culture of epidemic rape. Unless you're on the denial and cover up side of the issue in India.
 
2013-01-20 01:26:17 PM  
Hey Subby......

I think we might have a candidate for worst closing line in an article as well.

"I'm never going to forget that smell," said D.D. "I smelled him because he had his penis in my mouth. I smelled his body and I remember it turning my stomach."

Ummmmm..... (speechless)
 
2013-01-20 01:56:19 PM  
FTpoorly written, sensationalized A: 'She lost a womb but gained a penis.

The former was being removed surgically - full hysterectomy - while the latter was forcibly shoved into her slack mouth.'


HOLY SHIAT! Some editor let this go out?
Farking allah!

And then there's this:

Devolving_Spud: "It was a dark and stormy night. Suddenly, a doctor rang the doorbell..."


Devolving Spud, you magnificent bastard!
You made me laugh.
Out loud.
 
2013-01-20 02:00:41 PM  
I must have missed the part of the article where the author "Garners world wide attention" for that opening line.
 
2013-01-20 02:08:16 PM  
"...There's a difference between being touchy-feely and sticking your penis in somebody's mouth."

I never looked at it that way before, but I suppose there's a grain of truth in that statement.
 
2013-01-20 02:12:09 PM  

ReapTheChaos: I must have missed the part of the article where the author "Garners world wide attention" for that opening line.


It's on Fark.

Duh.
 
2013-01-20 02:14:06 PM  

moogoob: Rosie Di Manno writes "commentary" pieces. A proper journalist already reported the events in question last week - (the anesthesiologist fondled her, I think) - somehow the people at the Star think it's a good idea to have Rose rant about current events that get her ire up. I think such a thing is a horrible idea. I'd rather read Stephanie Meyer.


My dad was a senior exec at the Star in the early 90s and had lots of run-ins with Rosie. Even then, she was able to write her own ticket and have any byline she wanted. He was really pissed that she got the Jays World Series victory coverage in both 92 and 93, leapfrogging over the most accomplished sportswriters in the newsroom.

Nobody could assign a story to her she didn't want. Speculation is rampant as to just why that is.
 
2013-01-20 02:14:52 PM  

Zasteva: There's a lot in that story that is far worse than the opening sentence.


True (because holy shiat!), but submitter still has a point.
 
2013-01-20 02:17:10 PM  
What good is a slack mouth anyway? Might as well just fark a jar of mayonnaise.
 
2013-01-20 02:27:56 PM  
Does Phoenix Online offer classes to become an anesthesiologist? I have a coupon.
 
2013-01-20 02:28:31 PM  

Dear Jerk: Edna Buchanan, she ain't.

Google is awesome. I remember two words from a 1986 news story and I get the info I want in the first result. Anyway, here's a little story about Edna


Thank you, Dear Jerk!  /Sorry everybody else.  Completely OT, but I used to read Edna's crime fiction in the 1990s when I lived in NY.  Then I moved to Miami and promptly forgot about her.  I've just downloaded one of her books to my Kindle, and I'm getting a kick out of re-reading it, this time understanding the geographical references.
 
2013-01-20 02:53:46 PM  

Dear Jerk: Edna Buchanan, she ain't.

Google is awesome. I remember two words from a 1986 news story and I get the info I want in the first result. Anyway, here's a little story about Edna


"died hungry"?
 
2013-01-20 03:13:16 PM  
died hungry
 
2013-01-20 03:28:57 PM  
Dr. Doodnaught? Dude, naw.
 
2013-01-20 03:29:43 PM  

Mambo Bananapatch: What good is a slack mouth anyway? Might as well just fark a jar of mayonnaise.


Miracle Whip has a better texture.
 
2013-01-20 04:24:44 PM  
aha!! The swirl!
 
2013-01-20 04:47:30 PM  

pstudent12: Cuchulane
I guess it possible, but still seems odd.He's originally from India, and they are known for their respectful treatment of women... oh...hmm...

Which Indians do you mean Cuchulane ? The Aryan/Indo-Europeans with the cultures going back to Edda books (which are far far more respectful of women than any of the Abrahamic religions) or the Dravidians or the Aboriginal people or the 150 million or so chinese/asian Indians ?


He means the one that is so deeply sexist that they elected a woman as Prime Minister in 1966.
 
2013-01-20 06:11:31 PM  

Mambo Bananapatch: moogoob: Rosie Di Manno writes "commentary" pieces. A proper journalist already reported the events in question last week - (the anesthesiologist fondled her, I think) - somehow the people at the Star think it's a good idea to have Rose rant about current events that get her ire up. I think such a thing is a horrible idea. I'd rather read Stephanie Meyer.

My dad was a senior exec at the Star in the early 90s and had lots of run-ins with Rosie. Even then, she was able to write her own ticket and have any byline she wanted. He was really pissed that she got the Jays World Series victory coverage in both 92 and 93, leapfrogging over the most accomplished sportswriters in the newsroom.

Nobody could assign a story to her she didn't want. Speculation is rampant as to just why that is.


She swallowed in those days?
 
2013-01-20 06:52:22 PM  
Clearly, if she had not enjoyed it, her teeth would have automatically rejected any legitemate mouth-rape.
 
2013-01-20 08:31:47 PM  

Highroller48: Clearly, if she had not enjoyed it, her teeth would have automatically rejected any legitemate mouth-rape.


Well, since she didn't get pregnant, sounds like her body just shut that whole thing down, just like it was supposed to.
 
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