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(Salon)   Be wary, Farkers: a self-inflicted orgasm could result in a brain hemorrhage   (salon.com) divider line 98
    More: PSA, cerebral hemorrhages, CT scans  
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11673 clicks; posted to Main » on 20 Jan 2013 at 4:28 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-01-20 06:36:40 AM  
There was a time in my life that I did not masturbate for 15 years.... then I turned 16.

You started masturbating at 16? What are you, some kind of late-bloomer or something?

/started around 9
//no idea what I did, but it felt good
///this will surely get me pedobears seal of approval around these parts though
 
2013-01-20 06:43:19 AM  
Not often I get to bust out this goody.

i451.photobucket.com
 
2013-01-20 06:46:29 AM  

FirstNationalBastard: fusillade762: Masturbating on your older brother's wedding day is perverted, isn't it?

No.

However, masturbating on your older sister's wedding day while watching her get ready is a little perverted.


My sister isn't older... so, I'm in the clear, no?
 
2013-01-20 06:49:36 AM  

SDRR: juvandy: I felt a pop in the back of my head one time under *similar* circumstances.... had a bit of a headache for an hour or so afterward but that was all. Never worried about it

Anyone else ever experience something similar?

Stroke


Now that's funny. And pretty clever. I don't often push those stupid buttons. But I think you've earned it. Congrats.
 
2013-01-20 06:58:49 AM  

SDRR: publikenemy: This happens sorta quite often unfortunately according to my wife who works in pathology. A couple weeks ago a guy, father of 3, was found in his room on the floor with the porn still playing on the computer. There was a toilet brush handle protruding from his ass...DRT...dead right there.

Autopsy showed he had taken most of the brush end off and put a condom over that end and was furiously trying to come to a conclusion. When he hemmoraged he must have fallen on his ass. The brush end ram forced its way in farther. The condom came off and was unbelievably found in his lung.
/stories I have
//always a man

Dude, please refrain from sharing any more stories of this nature.

kthanxbi



Once a month on average, she'll get a container labeled "foreign body, rectum"

Sometimes the container is still vibrating.

Sometimes it's just an IED

No, not explosive device..exploratory device..though I guess IMD would work too..improvised masturbatory device..

..because its usually something cone shaped to aid in exploring, so to speak, but one time it was a pair of salad tongs. Since the guys excuse for the tongs was that he was constipated, I think IED works best


/always a man
 
2013-01-20 07:12:08 AM  
That explains the migraine pills not working.
 
2013-01-20 07:19:54 AM  

publikenemy: SDRR: publikenemy: This happens sorta quite often unfortunately according to my wife who works in pathology. A couple weeks ago a guy, father of 3, was found in his room on the floor with the porn still playing on the computer. There was a toilet brush handle protruding from his ass...DRT...dead right there.

Autopsy showed he had taken most of the brush end off and put a condom over that end and was furiously trying to come to a conclusion. When he hemmoraged he must have fallen on his ass. The brush end ram forced its way in farther. The condom came off and was unbelievably found in his lung.
/stories I have
//always a man

Dude, please refrain from sharing any more stories of this nature.

kthanxbi


Once a month on average, she'll get a container labeled "foreign body, rectum"

Sometimes the container is still vibrating.

Sometimes it's just an IED

No, not explosive device..exploratory device..though I guess IMD would work too..improvised masturbatory device..

..because its usually something cone shaped to aid in exploring, so to speak, but one time it was a pair of salad tongs. Since the guys excuse for the tongs was that he was constipated, I think IED works best


/always a man



digitaltexan.net
 
2013-01-20 07:21:19 AM  
Mind. Blown.
 
2013-01-20 07:28:10 AM  
i think that you can decide how good of a person you are by how long you waited until after september 11th before you masturbated. for me, it was between the two buildings going down. i had to do it, i was thinking that if i don't, then the terrorists win. it was a strange time for all of us. and i know that the rest of you probably waited a whole week or something, because you're better than me, but i just couldn't wait that long.

/paraphrased from louis ck
 
2013-01-20 07:28:13 AM  
Too bad he was too selfish to share the misery.
 
2013-01-20 07:41:06 AM  

Gyrfalcon: But what, an orgasm inflicted by someone else is free of danger?

If you're at risk for aneurism, ANY orgasm is risky, so I'm just going to take my chances and go out happy. Better my vibrator be the culprit than some guy have to deal with f*cking me to death, you know?


TFA says sex, period, whether solo or with a partner or seven, as well as childbirth and pooping can cause it to happen.
 
2013-01-20 07:43:44 AM  
Among other worthies who died during intercourse was the smiling Governor Nelson Rockefeller. At the time the story was that he had experienced a coronary thrombosis, though I suspect it could have been a stroke as well.

'Different strokes for different folks...'

How little understood is the mystery of the human organism.
 
2013-01-20 07:58:05 AM  
I once read that 'a man with a mistress is more likely to have a stroke'.... or get stroked, I cant recall exactly
 
2013-01-20 08:31:51 AM  
I'll take my chances
 
2013-01-20 08:38:34 AM  
Odd, I get the sudden extreme head pain from masturbating - but only when I visit Hawaii. I shiat you not.

The fark?
 
2013-01-20 08:50:39 AM  

BronyMedic: OH MY GOD. TREVOR KILLED HIMSELF.

WITH HIS WIENER HANGING OUT.

AND THIS THUMB UP HIS BUTT!!

[i.imgur.com image 528x313]


One of the greatest skits they ever did. I have seen it a hundred times and still laugh at it.
 
2013-01-20 08:53:57 AM  

Wilcutt: One of the greatest skits they ever did. I have seen it a hundred times and still laugh at it.


You know, I'm going to have to disagree on that one and raise you Cumfetti.

/Seriously, we have 8 ambulances for 100,000 people. Don't use it for things like this.
 
2013-01-20 08:58:36 AM  

cowgirl toffee: Every time you masturbate, you're playing with the hand of death.


Aces and eights?

/penis is named Wild Bill
//maybe
///hehe..."poker"
 
2013-01-20 09:03:14 AM  

BronyMedic: Wilcutt: One of the greatest skits they ever did. I have seen it a hundred times and still laugh at it.

You know, I'm going to have to disagree on that one and raise you Cumfetti.

/Seriously, we have 8 ambulances for 100,000 people. Don't use it for things like this.


BronyMedic: Wilcutt: One of the greatest skits they ever did. I have seen it a hundred times and still laugh at it.

You know, I'm going to have to disagree on that one and raise you Cumfetti.

/Seriously, we have 8 ambulances for 100,000 people. Don't use it for things like this.


It felt like the entire skit was a set up for the "it's coming" pun as the baby was born.

\worth it.
 
2013-01-20 09:33:06 AM  

publikenemy: This happens sorta quite often unfortunately according to my wife who works in pathology. A couple weeks ago a guy, father of 3, was found in his room on the floor with the porn still playing on the computer. There was a toilet brush handle protruding from his ass...DRT...dead right there.

Autopsy showed he had taken most of the brush end off and put a condom over that end and was furiously trying to come to a conclusion. When he hemmoraged he must have fallen on his ass. The brush end ram forced its way in farther. The condom came off and was unbelievably found in his lung.
/stories I have
//always a man


I read that in the voice of Dante Hicks.
 
2013-01-20 09:34:04 AM  

Mutt Farkinov: cowgirl toffee: Every time you masturbate, you're playing with the hand of death.

Aces and eights?

/penis is named Wild Bill
//maybe
///hehe..."poker"


It's only bad if you drop a "deuce" or two on the table. :P
 
2013-01-20 10:00:58 AM  
So that's what happened

blogs.krxq.net
 
2013-01-20 10:07:17 AM  

juvandy: I felt a pop in the back of my head one time under *similar* circumstances.... had a bit of a headache for an hour or so afterward but that was all. Never worried about it

Anyone else ever experience something similar?


Yes. I was in buenos aires for work for a couple of months and had problems with post fap headaches. Back of head just above the neck on one side. Had them for awhile after each session. I do suffer from migraines but they are from a different spot in my head. My migraine medicine didn't help. Doctor gave me prednisone Rx but I haven't needed it. Of course he didn't necessarily know the trigger.
 
2013-01-20 10:16:42 AM  

Summer Glau's Love Slave: You're doing it wrong.


Some days I don't know whether I'm coming or going.
 
2013-01-20 10:17:52 AM  
Farkers, I am disappoint.

buridansblog.files.wordpress.com
 
2013-01-20 10:22:51 AM  

publikenemy: and


publikenemy: The condom came off and was unbelievably found in his lung.


So it's possible the last thing he tasted was rubbery bog brush handle? That's harsh.
 
2013-01-20 10:28:21 AM  

fusillade762: Masturbating on your older brother's wedding day is perverted, isn't it?

No.


hellogiggles.com

It's like R-A-I-I-N .....
 
2013-01-20 10:50:44 AM  
I should be dead now.
 
2013-01-20 11:05:44 AM  

SDRR: juvandy: I felt a pop in the back of my head one time under *similar* circumstances.... had a bit of a headache for an hour or so afterward but that was all. Never worried about it

Anyone else ever experience something similar?

Stroke


Have you heard? If you're in the game, then the stroke's the word.
 
2013-01-20 11:15:23 AM  

Mutt Farkinov: cowgirl toffee: Every time you masturbate, you're playing with the hand of death.

Aces and eights?


Clearly you've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away and know when to run.
 
2013-01-20 11:41:26 AM  

fusillade762: Masturbating on your older brother's wedding day is perverted, isn't it?

No.


That's where I stopped reading.
 
2013-01-20 11:52:37 AM  

Novart: Odd, I get the sudden extreme head pain from masturbating - but only when I visit Hawaii. I shiat you not.

The fark?


Difference in barometric pressure perhaps?

I get headaches sometimes when the barometer changes drastically...
 
2013-01-20 11:54:29 AM  

Mutt Farkinov: publikenemy: This happens sorta quite often unfortunately according to my wife who works in pathology. A couple weeks ago a guy, father of 3, was found in his room on the floor with the porn still playing on the computer. There was a toilet brush handle protruding from his ass...DRT...dead right there.

Autopsy showed he had taken most of the brush end off and put a condom over that end and was furiously trying to come to a conclusion. When he hemmoraged he must have fallen on his ass. The brush end ram forced its way in farther. The condom came off and was unbelievably found in his lung.
/stories I have
//always a man

I read that in the voice of Dante Hicks.


Nah, Randal would have been the one to tell that story
 
2013-01-20 11:58:35 AM  
How does the aneurysm know what's touching the penis?
 
2013-01-20 12:38:10 PM  

RollingThunder: Having spent most of a day in the ER two weeks ago after suffering a brutal attack of coital headache, I'm really not getting a kick out of this.

Luckily mine wasn't a hemorrhage (that they can see), but god damn does it suck. Worried as hell now every time the wife and I start to get busy, and I've had to say "No, stop NOW" twice when I felt a headache starting to build.


Yeah, I've had the occasional post-coital headache in the past. They're no fun. I've never had a migraine, but I'm pretty sure the feeling is pretty similar. Rapid fire jackhammer to the back of the skull, headache for a day straight and no sex for a week or two since arousal will make your head foggy and unfocused. Similar to the halo effect that migraine and epileptic sufferers feel.

/but the thought in the back of your mind that you can get rubbed out for rubbing one out... yeah... no fun
//have respect for women who say "not tonight, I have a headache" - I can relate
 
2013-01-20 12:42:28 PM  
"An AVM is not caused by anything," Dr. Santanorexic said quietly. "It is a congenital birth defect -

Phew.
 
2013-01-20 01:12:30 PM  

Gyrfalcon: But what, an orgasm inflicted by someone else is free of danger?

If you're at risk for aneurism, ANY orgasm is risky, so I'm just going to take my chances and go out happy. Better my vibrator be the culprit than some guy have to deal with f*cking me to death, you know?


That might be involuntary (wo)manslaughter ... he'd beat the rap , then go fap ... only to die from a brain aneurism. Vicious Cycle.


If you got caught in the act ? - could this be considered attempted suicide ?
Now the doctors have you on suicide watch !
How many people would call the authorities ... or ...
just WATCH while you were on suicide watch ?
I'll need a new circle of friends - SOON.
 
2013-01-20 01:29:57 PM  

BronyMedic: Wilcutt: One of the greatest skits they ever did. I have seen it a hundred times and still laugh at it.

You know, I'm going to have to disagree on that one and raise you Cumfetti.

/Seriously, we have 8 ambulances for 100,000 people. Don't use it for things like this.


Both good skits, although I'm partial to the Grapist.
 
2013-01-20 02:06:58 PM  

RollingThunder: Having spent most of a day in the ER two weeks ago after suffering a brutal attack of coital headache, I'm really not getting a kick out of this.

Luckily mine wasn't a hemorrhage (that they can see), but god damn does it suck. Worried as hell now every time the wife and I start to get busy, and I've had to say "No, stop NOW" twice when I felt a headache starting to build.


...I am so, so glad I don't get those. Like, there are no words.

/Chronic migraines
//I think I have actually found a condition I can safely say I would rather  not have instead of this.
 
2013-01-20 02:38:20 PM  

Gyrfalcon: belhade: Gyrfalcon: But what, an orgasm inflicted by someone else is free of danger?

If you're at risk for aneurism, ANY orgasm is risky, so I'm just going to take my chances and go out happy. Better my vibrator be the culprit than some guy have to deal with f*cking me to death, you know?

You wouldn't want to make any guy's ego that big.

Why not? I won't be around to listen to him.


But what about the rest of us? Thanks a lot!
 
2013-01-20 03:59:06 PM  
And a melancholy settled over Fark as each wondered what an orgasm inflicted by someone else might be like . . . ..
 
2013-01-20 04:57:56 PM  
My pee-pee made a substantial fart noise once when I was rubbing one out in a recliner
 
2013-01-20 06:22:07 PM  
And they would find you there, with your Rachael Ray folder still open on your computer... uh... not  that there is, you know, anything wrong with that...
 
2013-01-20 06:29:10 PM  

L.D. Ablo: It only happens from around 20-40?

Then I'm old enough to be in the clear.

/gets out Astroglide, Googles midget porn


My uncle died of this at the age of 46. He dropped dead while washing his car. My Aunt also died of this at the age of 43. She complained of the worst headache she had ever experienced - so bad she was in tears from the pain. She died in hospital. Their grandmother also died from this at the age of 42.
 
2013-01-20 06:43:40 PM  

Dahnkster: Not to mention it makes it really hard to find shirts that fit...
[i.imgur.com image 678x472]
WON'T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE KNUCKLE ORPHANS?


So... he uses the mouse with his left hand?
 
2013-01-20 09:42:11 PM  
there goes my life expectancy
 
2013-01-21 10:40:28 PM  

TV's Vinnie: I not only call shenanigans on this story, but I want to call in a napalm air strike on the the author's house as well as the offices of Salon.com for daring to put forth some bullsh*t story that over-frightened soccer moms will no doubt use to turn their little Chads and Billy's into involuntary eunuchs.


You're either
A)Trolling
B)Talking out your poopchute because you didn't RTFA
or
C)Incredibly farktarded

/Most likely all 3
 
2013-01-21 11:48:01 PM  
Stroke, stroke to a stroke
Kittens are but dreams
Learn to type with just five toes
One's `sole' awash in cream...


/He says it is not good for us
We just can't be chubissuous
He's a doctor -- he should know
Pop nothing but Lisinopril
And girls don't blow...

/don't be Frank's prostate
 
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