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(Yahoo)   How one poorly written erotic novel engorged the once-flaccid sex toy industry   (news.yahoo.com) divider line 142
    More: Obvious, sex industry, James Deen, Adult Entertainment Expo  
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14192 clicks; posted to Main » on 18 Jan 2013 at 6:27 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-01-18 06:06:25 PM  
l2.yimg.com

Handcuffed and forced to listen to the audiobook? Talk about sadism!
 
2013-01-18 06:16:15 PM  
 
2013-01-18 06:33:49 PM  
In case anyone wants to check out my poorly written erotic novel. Link

/Hangs head in shame
 
2013-01-18 06:35:41 PM  
Fifty Shades of Sasha Grey.
 
2013-01-18 06:35:49 PM  
Really? A full staff room of writers and not one of them had a proper pair of padded cuffs to stick in the photo for the blog?

This, I do not really believe.

Via Infinito: Fifty Shades of Takei


Every time I see something of his linked, he goes up a few rungs on my "personal hero" ladder.
 
2013-01-18 06:36:39 PM  
As my retired dom friend said about 50 Shades. "It's S&M for Dummies and someone is going to get hurt, and not the good kinda hurt."
 
2013-01-18 06:37:04 PM  

Via Infinito: Fifty Shades of Takei


+1 internets for you, kind sir.
 
2013-01-18 06:37:52 PM  
i.dailymail.co.uk

/This works for me
 
2013-01-18 06:41:33 PM  
Fifty Shades Of Flay - Watch Bobby's ego grow bigger and bigger.
 
2013-01-18 06:43:06 PM  
Everything you need to know about 50 Shades of Gray:

#: of occurrences of literary device

41: characters roll their eyes
35: Ana bites her lip
16: Christian's lips "quirk up"
17: Christian "cocks his head to one side"
15: characters "purse" their lips
50: characters raise their eyebrows
80: references to Ana's anthropomorphic "subconscious"
58: references to Ana's "inner goddess"
92: Ana saying some form of "oh crap" (including "holy crap", "double crap", or "triple crap").
81: Ana says "Jeez"
72: Ana says "oh my"
125: Ana "blushes" or "flushes" (including 13 that are "scarlet," 6 that are "crimson," and one that is "stars and stripes red.")
13: Ana "peeks up" at Christian
9: references to Christian's "hooded eyes"
7: references to Christians "long index finger"
25: references to how "hot" Christian is (including 4: "He's so freaking hot.")
10: Christian's "mouth presses into a hard line"
199: characters "murmur"
49: characters "mutter"
195: characters "whisper"
21: characters "clamber" on/in/out of things
34: characters "smirk"
46: characters "gasp"
18: "breath hitches"
124: "grins"
124 "frowns"
And orgasms are always described as intense, body-shattering, delicious, violent, all-consuming, turbulent, agonizing and exhausting

And this is only book one.
 
2013-01-18 06:44:16 PM  
I really don't want to read the book. Did Cliff make any notes for it?
 
2013-01-18 06:44:29 PM  

Ishkur: Everything you need to know about 50 Shades of Gray:

#: of occurrences of literary device

41: characters roll their eyes
35: Ana bites her lip
16: Christian's lips "quirk up"
17: Christian "cocks his head to one side"
15: characters "purse" their lips
50: characters raise their eyebrows
80: references to Ana's anthropomorphic "subconscious"
58: references to Ana's "inner goddess"
92: Ana saying some form of "oh crap" (including "holy crap", "double crap", or "triple crap").
81: Ana says "Jeez"
72: Ana says "oh my"
125: Ana "blushes" or "flushes" (including 13 that are "scarlet," 6 that are "crimson," and one that is "stars and stripes red.")
13: Ana "peeks up" at Christian
9: references to Christian's "hooded eyes"
7: references to Christians "long index finger"
25: references to how "hot" Christian is (including 4: "He's so freaking hot.")
10: Christian's "mouth presses into a hard line"
199: characters "murmur"
49: characters "mutter"
195: characters "whisper"
21: characters "clamber" on/in/out of things
34: characters "smirk"
46: characters "gasp"
18: "breath hitches"
124: "grins"
124 "frowns"
And orgasms are always described as intense, body-shattering, delicious, violent, all-consuming, turbulent, agonizing and exhausting

And this is only book one.


that sounds as bad as a wheel of time book

/tug braid
//sniff
 
2013-01-18 06:45:28 PM  
Peterotica read by Betty White?
 
2013-01-18 06:45:56 PM  
Seriously, is this one of those books everyone talks about, but never reads? Like anything from Ayn Rand?
 
2013-01-18 06:46:39 PM  

Ishkur: Everything you need to know about 50 Shades of Gray:

#: of occurrences of literary device

41: characters roll their eyes
35: Ana bites her lip
16: Christian's lips "quirk up"
17: Christian "cocks his head to one side"
15: characters "purse" their lips
50: characters raise their eyebrows
80: references to Ana's anthropomorphic "subconscious"
58: references to Ana's "inner goddess"
92: Ana saying some form of "oh crap" (including "holy crap", "double crap", or "triple crap").
81: Ana says "Jeez"
72: Ana says "oh my"
125: Ana "blushes" or "flushes" (including 13 that are "scarlet," 6 that are "crimson," and one that is "stars and stripes red.")
13: Ana "peeks up" at Christian
9: references to Christian's "hooded eyes"
7: references to Christians "long index finger"
25: references to how "hot" Christian is (including 4: "He's so freaking hot.")
10: Christian's "mouth presses into a hard line"
199: characters "murmur"
49: characters "mutter"
195: characters "whisper"
21: characters "clamber" on/in/out of things
34: characters "smirk"
46: characters "gasp"
18: "breath hitches"
124: "grins"
124 "frowns"
And orgasms are always described as intense, body-shattering, delicious, violent, all-consuming, turbulent, agonizing and exhausting

And this is only book one.


Just out of curiosity, how does that stack up against, say, Charles Dickens or Mark Twain?
 
2013-01-18 06:47:38 PM  
 
2013-01-18 06:48:04 PM  
I tried to write an erotic novel, but it was rejected. Something about excessive use of the word "throbbing."
 
2013-01-18 06:48:13 PM  

Pointy Tail of Satan: Seriously, is this one of those books everyone talks about, but never reads? Like anything from Ayn Rand?


I only read Ayn Rand while sitting on the toilet. One book can last a whole year.
 
2013-01-18 06:48:55 PM  
Porno for women. Which somehow is instantly socially acceptable.
 
2013-01-18 06:51:32 PM  

StubhyGraham: In case anyone wants to check out my poorly written erotic novel. Link

/Hangs head in shame


That actually looks like a really fun read.
 
2013-01-18 06:52:24 PM  

cgraves67: Ishkur: Everything you need to know about 50 Shades of Gray:

#: of occurrences of literary device

41: characters roll their eyes
...
124 "frowns"
And orgasms are always described as intense, body-shattering, delicious, violent, all-consuming, turbulent, agonizing and exhausting

And this is only book one.

Just out of curiosity, how does that stack up against, say, Charles Dickens or Mark Twain?


I don't recall Dickens really describing that many orgasms.
 
2013-01-18 06:52:38 PM  
...or some kind of Spanish.
 
2013-01-18 06:53:51 PM  
Just finished skipping through my wife's copy.
Yes, it's farking dreadful, and not even remotely in a good way.

I thought that 'fifty shades of grey' was a description of the hair colour of the average Opera audience.
 
2013-01-18 06:57:43 PM  

cgraves67: Just out of curiosity, how does that stack up against, say, Charles Dickens or Mark Twain?


Not sure. Don't think anyone's tabulated any repetitive phrases in Dickens and Twain, probably because, ohhh I dunno... THERE AREN'T ANY.

Of if there are, they are used sparingly and with purpose so they're not as noticeable. When a character says some form of "____ crap" almost 100 times in a 500 page book, you're seeing it nearly every fifth page (what's happening to her that has her exasperate so often?!). Same with "oh my", which has practically become a fully owned subsidiary of one George Takei, LTD. and no one can read or say that phrase anymore without saying it in his voice.

It's lazy, stupid, boring, repetitive writing with an extremely stunted vocabulary. There's no color or life or didactic imagery, it's just cliche after cliche after cliche. I don't know why these terrible novels (this goes for Twilight, Da Vinci Code, etc.) keep becoming best sellers when they're often the worst written. It's literally a chore to slog through something that banal.
 
2013-01-18 06:59:38 PM  
Can someone explain to me why so many feminists (and often it seems, so many rad fems) will write about how much they are into BSDM itself?

It seems contradictory.
 
2013-01-18 07:01:44 PM  

RoyBatty: Can someone explain to me why so many feminists (and often it seems, so many rad fems) will write about how much they are into BSDM itself?

It seems contradictory.


It's not at all contradictory. Feminists are generally pretty pro-sex as long as it's completely consensual. I don't feel the need to police how any other adult chooses to have their consensual sexy time.
 
2013-01-18 07:02:41 PM  
BTW, props to Subby for the hella headline. Tickles my root, it does.
 
2013-01-18 07:02:45 PM  

Genevieve Marie: StubhyGraham: In case anyone wants to check out my poorly written erotic novel. Link

/Hangs head in shame

That actually looks like a really fun read.


Thanks. Over the years, I think I've stolen enough comments from this site and used them in the book to make it somewhat decent. You all will be getting royalty checks as soon as I actually have a royalty to pay out.
 
2013-01-18 07:03:01 PM  

ProfessorOhki: cgraves67: Ishkur: Everything you need to know about 50 Shades of Gray:

#: of occurrences of literary device

41: characters roll their eyes
...
124 "frowns"
And orgasms are always described as intense, body-shattering, delicious, violent, all-consuming, turbulent, agonizing and exhausting

And this is only book one.

Just out of curiosity, how does that stack up against, say, Charles Dickens or Mark Twain?

I don't recall Dickens really describing that many orgasms.


And it probably has less use of the "N"-word than Twain.
 
2013-01-18 07:03:20 PM  

cgraves67: Just out of curiosity, how does that stack up against, say, Charles Dickens or Mark Twain?


apsbookweekblog.edublogs.orgwww.davidbrassrarebooks.com
 
2013-01-18 07:05:06 PM  

StubhyGraham: Genevieve Marie: StubhyGraham: In case anyone wants to check out my poorly written erotic novel. Link

/Hangs head in shame

That actually looks like a really fun read.

Thanks. Over the years, I think I've stolen enough comments from this site and used them in the book to make it somewhat decent. You all will be getting royalty checks as soon as I actually have a royalty to pay out.


Well, I'm afraid I didn't contribute much on that front, but your book is currently available free through the Kindle Owner's Lending Library for Prime members, so I borrowed it from the library. I hope you at least get some payment from Amazon for that :)
 
2013-01-18 07:05:21 PM  

Ishkur: cgraves67: Just out of curiosity, how does that stack up against, say, Charles Dickens or Mark Twain?

Not sure. Don't think anyone's tabulated any repetitive phrases in Dickens and Twain, probably because, ohhh I dunno... THERE AREN'T ANY.



By and by, my dear.
 
2013-01-18 07:06:06 PM  

ProfessorOhki: I don't recall Dickens really describing that many orgasms.


It's a little-known fact that 'humbug' was a kind of vibrator.
 
2013-01-18 07:06:45 PM  
Most Americans have a 6-8th grade reading level so that they're reading anything is remarkable. It's only a "bad" book to people who enjoy reading in general.
 
2013-01-18 07:07:48 PM  
I work in a sex shop. These housefraus never realized bondage existed until this book. We couldn't get Ben Wa balls in for the longest time... The. When we do, women are disappointed that they're literally two metal balls. I guess the book makes them sound like some otherworldly sex toy.
 
2013-01-18 07:08:47 PM  

RoyBatty: Can someone explain to me why so many feminists (and often it seems, so many rad fems) will write about how much they are into BSDM itself?

It seems contradictory.

it's not just women. It's quite common for people (male or female) who are dominant or formidable in their public lives to crave submission in their "private" lives.
 
2013-01-18 07:09:55 PM  

Genevieve Marie: RoyBatty: Can someone explain to me why so many feminists (and often it seems, so many rad fems) will write about how much they are into BSDM itself?

It seems contradictory.

It's not at all contradictory. Feminists are generally pretty pro-sex as long as it's completely consensual. I don't feel the need to police how any other adult chooses to have their consensual sexy time.


In addition, it is not uncommon for those women who ARE quite strong and constantly in control of their own lives to desire a way to escape from that and to let someone else have control for some time. While people tend to focus on the "whips and chains" aspect of BDSM, I'm of the opinion that a much larger part of it is the (consensual) exchange of and willing surrender (or taking, depending on role) of control.

"Fantasy" doesn't always means "wants to live that way", just "likes to go there from time to time".
 
2013-01-18 07:10:41 PM  
Then when we do*

Also, being in the BDSM scene, from what I hear the book paints a grossly inaccurate portrait of a Master/slave lifestyle. So, you know. Whoopee.
 
2013-01-18 07:11:50 PM  

Onkel Buck: As my retired dom friend said about 50 Shades. "It's S&M for Dummies and someone is going to get hurt, and not the good kinda hurt."


That was kind of my first thought. People who don't realize what really goes into BDSM are going to think Oo how fun we can tie each other up and have sex! and then someone's going to die...and then we'll have to listen to endless pontification on the news about "The growing threat of sadomasochism" and whether there's too much abuse in movie sex.

I give it another six months.
 
2013-01-18 07:14:02 PM  

phlegmmo: ProfessorOhki: I don't recall Dickens really describing that many orgasms.

It's a little-known fact that 'humbug' was a kind of vibrator.


Yeaaaaah, so, I'm going to be needing new keyboard.
 
2013-01-18 07:17:46 PM  
It's a bit of a sexy day on Fark. Bras... vagina surgery...erotic novels...

whiskey time for this girl.
 
2013-01-18 07:18:06 PM  

Zoomaster: [i.dailymail.co.uk image 850x566]

/This works for me


Where is her right arm?
 
2013-01-18 07:18:54 PM  
Picturing all the soccer moms trying to do "kinky" shiat kinda gives me the heebies. To each their own, I guess.

I am disappointed we haven't gotten a bunch of "Housewife tries to reenact 50 Shades, hilarity ensues" headlines here. I guess people keep that shiat to themselves, as opposed to the "Man gets drunk, naked, arrested" incidents.
 
2013-01-18 07:19:22 PM  
I work part-time in a library and today was the first day since November that one of those books was actually in and not on the hold shelf.

There have been some real frog women checking out these books *shudders*
 
2013-01-18 07:19:26 PM  

phlegmmo: ProfessorOhki: I don't recall Dickens really describing that many orgasms.

It's a little-known fact that 'humbug' was a kind of vibrator.


Thanks for the laugh. I needed it.
 
2013-01-18 07:19:27 PM  

JayCab: Genevieve Marie: RoyBatty: Can someone explain to me why so many feminists (and often it seems, so many rad fems) will write about how much they are into BSDM itself?

It seems contradictory.

It's not at all contradictory. Feminists are generally pretty pro-sex as long as it's completely consensual. I don't feel the need to police how any other adult chooses to have their consensual sexy time.

In addition, it is not uncommon for those women who ARE quite strong and constantly in control of their own lives to desire a way to escape from that and to let someone else have control for some time. While people tend to focus on the "whips and chains" aspect of BDSM, I'm of the opinion that a much larger part of it is the (consensual) exchange of and willing surrender (or taking, depending on role) of control.

"Fantasy" doesn't always means "wants to live that way", just "likes to go there from time to time".


Agreed. Most forget that it is the submissive who controls the event, for without him/her nothing happens.
 
2013-01-18 07:20:20 PM  

Jim_Callahan: Really? A full staff room of writers and not one of them had a proper pair of padded cuffs to stick in the photo for the blog?

This, I do not really believe.


Seriously? I'm 29 years old and from a fairly left-leaning progressive area and did my few years of sex, drugs and rock 'n roll and not once did I ever come across someone with sex 'cuffs.
 
2013-01-18 07:20:48 PM  

Smelly Pirate Hooker: Picturing all the soccer moms trying to do "kinky" shiat kinda gives me the heebies. To each their own, I guess.

I am disappointed we haven't gotten a bunch of "Housewife tries to reenact 50 Shades, hilarity ensues" headlines here. I guess people keep that shiat to themselves, as opposed to the "Man gets drunk, naked, arrested" incidents.


To be fair, most of them are probably divorced/single.
 
2013-01-18 07:23:45 PM  

crab66: Porno for women soccer moms. Which somehow is instantly socially acceptable.


FTFY
 
2013-01-18 07:23:49 PM  
Ben Wa balls

Yes! Still got it!
 
2013-01-18 07:24:08 PM  

Genevieve Marie: StubhyGraham: Genevieve Marie: StubhyGraham: In case anyone wants to check out my poorly written erotic novel. Link

/Hangs head in shame

That actually looks like a really fun read.

Thanks. Over the years, I think I've stolen enough comments from this site and used them in the book to make it somewhat decent. You all will be getting royalty checks as soon as I actually have a royalty to pay out.

Well, I'm afraid I didn't contribute much on that front, but your book is currently available free through the Kindle Owner's Lending Library for Prime members, so I borrowed it from the library. I hope you at least get some payment from Amazon for that :)



Awesome, thanks! Let me know what you think.
 
2013-01-18 07:26:01 PM  
The first Stephen King novel I ever read was Gerald's Game when I was 14. Not his greatest work, not even close, but it was one of the most interesting books I'd read at the time.
I can't say for sure if it colored my sexual experiences, but I have never allowed anyone to use handcuffs on me.

I wonder how 50 Shades is going to affect the impressionable teens who are reading it now.
 
2013-01-18 07:26:36 PM  
I'm left wondering what horrors are in the Reject pile of whoever approved this thing for publication.
 
2013-01-18 07:27:58 PM  
gottfried

CLITORIS!!!

/gottfried
 
2013-01-18 07:29:22 PM  

Gyrfalcon: Onkel Buck: As my retired dom friend said about 50 Shades. "It's S&M for Dummies and someone is going to get hurt, and not the good kinda hurt."

That was kind of my first thought. People who don't realize what really goes into BDSM are going to think Oo how fun we can tie each other up and have sex! and then someone's going to die...and then we'll have to listen to endless pontification on the news about "The growing threat of sadomasochism" and whether there's too much abuse in movie sex.

I give it another six months.


Absolutley! Because we can't have nice things. Im really surprised there havn't been any news stories so far,about firemen rescuing someone because they were doing someting they read in 50 Shades. Like ya said though, 6 months or a slow news day.
 
2013-01-18 07:31:23 PM  

Zoomaster: [i.dailymail.co.uk image 850x566]

/This works for me


Does she have downs, or is her face just hideous?
 
2013-01-18 07:32:19 PM  

Old enough to know better: I'm left wondering what horrors are in the Reject pile of whoever approved this thing for publication.


It actually is an interesting story. It was originally self-published. It didn't get picked up by a real publisher until it had already sold quite a few copies and gotten good word of mouth.

I've read all three. It honestly didn't strike me as much better or worse than a whole lot of other books about the same subject. The reason it got so popular is because it's a quick, easy read and because it's about a pretty stereotypical wish-fulfillment scenario: gorgeous rich guy falls in love with you and wants to spend his entire life doing nothing but buying you things and giving you orgasms.
 
2013-01-18 07:32:36 PM  

milsorgen: Jim_Callahan: Really? A full staff room of writers and not one of them had a proper pair of padded cuffs to stick in the photo for the blog?

This, I do not really believe.


Seriously? I'm 29 years old and from a fairly left-leaning progressive area and did my few years of sex, drugs and rock 'n roll and not once did I ever come across someone with sex 'cuffs.


Oh, c'mon! It seems like there's always the one friend who buys a pair as a bachelorette party prop at the minimum.
 
2013-01-18 07:37:32 PM  
I'm ashamed to admit, I want that farking silver tie.
 
2013-01-18 07:38:00 PM  
You gotta be some kind of stupid to let ANYONE handcuff you to a bed, etc.

I don't care which gender you are, they are, how close you think you are, none of it!

Its that lightning strike chance that the ONE time you let someone bind you beyond your control is when they have some sort of mental break.

Next thing you know, you're bleeding out from your freshly mutilated genitals.

Handcuffs.

Not. Even. Once.
 
2013-01-18 07:40:39 PM  

23FPB23: You gotta be some kind of stupid to let ANYONE handcuff you to a bed, etc.

I don't care which gender you are, they are, how close you think you are, none of it!

Its that lightning strike chance that the ONE time you let someone bind you beyond your control is when they have some sort of mental break.

Next thing you know, you're bleeding out from your freshly mutilated genitals.

Handcuffs.

Not. Even. Once.


Think about it this way: all the handcuffs really change is if they have to wait until you fall asleep or not.
 
2013-01-18 07:42:58 PM  

onearmedninja: I really don't want to read the book. Did Cliff make any notes for it?


I didn't read it, my friend who happens to be a girl read it. Said it was overrated, and basically no better than any work of erotic fiction you can find on the internets for the free. If you're into that sort of thing, you dirty filthy pervert!
 
2013-01-18 07:45:25 PM  

ProfessorOhki: Think about it this way: all the handcuffs really change is if they have to wait until you fall asleep or not.


Yeah if you ignore the ability to fight back. Fark handcuffs.
 
2013-01-18 07:47:09 PM  

Genevieve Marie: Old enough to know better: I'm left wondering what horrors are in the Reject pile of whoever approved this thing for publication.

It actually is an interesting story. It was originally self-published. It didn't get picked up by a real publisher until it had already sold quite a few copies and gotten good word of mouth.

I've read all three. It honestly didn't strike me as much better or worse than a whole lot of other books about the same subject. The reason it got so popular is because it's a quick, easy read and because it's about a pretty stereotypical wish-fulfillment scenario: gorgeous rich guy falls in love with you and wants to spend his entire life doing nothing but buying you things and giving you orgasms.



What's the story though? I mean, it's not that hard to say "Oh look, a beautiful blonde woman who is rich, and wants to buy me stuff while farking me."

I've read erotic literature before. It can be lengthy at times setting the scene, but it certainly isn't enough to make a story out of. Let alone THREE stories.
 
2013-01-18 07:48:10 PM  

bbfreak: onearmedninja: I really don't want to read the book. Did Cliff make any notes for it?

I didn't read it, my friend who happens to be a girl read it. Said it was overrated, and basically no better than any work of erotic fiction you can find on the internets for the free. If you're into that sort of thing, you dirty filthy pervert!



Yeah 50 Shades actually was a originally a Twilight fanfic called Masters of the Universe.
 
2013-01-18 07:49:20 PM  
bie?

eip

friday night at work. meh.
 
2013-01-18 07:50:12 PM  

23FPB23: ProfessorOhki: Think about it this way: all the handcuffs really change is if they have to wait until you fall asleep or not.

Yeah if you ignore the ability to fight back. Fark handcuffs.


Wouldn't your hands be too occupied trying to stop the bleeding anyway?
 
2013-01-18 07:51:43 PM  

ProfessorOhki: 23FPB23: You gotta be some kind of stupid to let ANYONE handcuff you to a bed, etc.

I don't care which gender you are, they are, how close you think you are, none of it!

Its that lightning strike chance that the ONE time you let someone bind you beyond your control is when they have some sort of mental break.

Next thing you know, you're bleeding out from your freshly mutilated genitals.

Handcuffs.

Not. Even. Once.

Think about it this way: all the handcuffs really change is if they have to wait until you fall asleep or not.


Is it wrong that I wanna watch you two?
 
2013-01-18 07:52:36 PM  
Yep, I get all kinds of bubbly stupid girls in my shop (or their husbands who got sent to the shop) to pick up this book, some handcuffs, and some freaking kegel exercise balls.

What's funny is you could find this story, all three books, on fanfiction.net YEARS ago before a publisher picked it up.

And let me tell you, I've read the books. 9th-grade writing/reading level, at best. You thought Wheel of Time was bad? Oh god, no.
 
2013-01-18 07:56:10 PM  

HellRaisingHoosier: What's the story though?



The plot of pornographic tales is usually either hardly relative or non-existent. If you are looking that hard for plots in your porno, you are doing it wrong.

When most women sit down to read this, they aren't settling in for a good yarn.
 
2013-01-18 07:58:09 PM  

Onkel Buck: As my retired dom friend said about 50 Shades. "It's S&M for Dummies and someone is going to get hurt, and not the good kinda hurt."


The ex was online buying bondage gear the day she moved out. I guess she moves on quick.

/Is it wrong to hope she gets hurt?
 
2013-01-18 08:00:18 PM  

Via Infinito: Fifty Shades of Takei


+1 Internets for you!

I need an entirely new laptop.

/Oh My.
 
2013-01-18 08:01:21 PM  

23FPB23: You gotta be some kind of stupid to let ANYONE handcuff you to a bed, etc.


Agreed.

upload.wikimedia.org
 
2013-01-18 08:04:47 PM  
As a stay at home dad who hangs out with soccer moms, this book has done wonders for my sex life (don't tell my wife).

Apparently, they see me as the "mysterious stranger".

Most women in their late 30's early 40's who claim to be "happily married"? They're not. God bless 'em.
 
2013-01-18 08:05:35 PM  

KiwDaWabbit: Onkel Buck: As my retired dom friend said about 50 Shades. "It's S&M for Dummies and someone is going to get hurt, and not the good kinda hurt."

The ex was online buying bondage gear the day she moved out. I guess she moves on quick.

/Is it wrong to hope she gets hurt?


It's wrong to hope she dies...other than that, probably not.
 
2013-01-18 08:05:55 PM  

23FPB23: Yeah if you ignore the ability to fight back. Fark handcuffs.


You must be a very sheltered and inexperienced child. Most handcuffs sold come with quick-release latches, unless you're buying police issue or the serious bondage ones.
 
2013-01-18 08:06:39 PM  
If low quality trashy novels keep people actually reading and away from stuff like Jersey Shore, Honey Boo Boo, and Ow My Balls I say keep them coming (no pun intended). Plus it further marginalizes people who portray sex as an evil thing, which is good.
 
gja [TotalFark]
2013-01-18 08:06:57 PM  

Zoomaster: [i.dailymail.co.uk image 850x566]

/This works for me


What the hell's with her lips? Did someone smack her?

/shes hot, but almost certainly unbelievably high maint
 
2013-01-18 08:08:46 PM  
I've read my share of trashy and easy books but this one goes in the 'couldn't get past the first few pages' pile.

Oh, the beautiful, clumsy, virgin main character has low self esteem but is actually the most desired woman ever?

I think the most disturbing thing to me (and I haven't read it, so I could be wrong) is how it is about an actual abusive relationship. There are dangers in people not knowing what BDSM is (but I don't know what it is and I'm ok i think), but I don't want women thinking a guy pushing them into doing things they really don't want to do over and over again is okay.

Seriously women: go to the library and take any book off the shelf and it will be better than this.
 
2013-01-18 08:09:25 PM  

khyberkitsune: 23FPB23: Yeah if you ignore the ability to fight back. Fark handcuffs.

You must be a very sheltered and inexperienced child. Most handcuffs sold come with quick-release latches, unless you're buying police issue or the serious bondage ones.


I'm talking "real" handcuffs, douchenozzle. Otherwise what's the point in someone cuffing you?

Dumbass.
 
2013-01-18 08:10:35 PM  

Ishkur: Everything you need to know about 50 Shades of Gray:

#: of occurrences of literary device


autostraddle.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com
 
2013-01-18 08:12:28 PM  

Via Infinito: The first Stephen King novel I ever read was Gerald's Game when I was 14. Not his greatest work, not even close, but it was one of the most interesting books I'd read at the time.
I can't say for sure if it colored my sexual experiences, but I have never allowed anyone to use handcuffs on me.

I wonder how 50 Shades is going to affect the impressionable teens who are reading it now.


Sexually knowledgeable people know to avoid things that are actually risky, and non-play handcuffs are one of them. I wouldn't quite call it common sense, but it's well-known. Hell, even I know it. I also read that book at about 14 and understood that King wasn't endorsing this. He's a pretty aware author, and often has characters cut corners as part of the dramatic irony.
 
gja [TotalFark]
2013-01-18 08:12:39 PM  

ColSanders: 23FPB23: You gotta be some kind of stupid to let ANYONE handcuff you to a bed, etc.

Agreed.


upload.wikimedia.org

LOL. I had no idea there was a King novel with my name in it.
If I ever tried to cuff my lady to the bed she would probably hold the front door open and let me know I have 10 seconds head start, after that, fair game pal.
 
2013-01-18 08:14:08 PM  
Now if you can somehow write a romance novel about a mysterious stranger who falls for/seduces/etc a single soccer mom... Jackpot. Get rich and the wife may not mind the time you spend doing "research".

If I had the time and imagination I'd be writing stuff aimed at demos such as that. If you need a primer read the Oatmeal comic about the Twilight books, lots of truth there.


WhippingBoy: As a stay at home dad who hangs out with soccer moms, this book has done wonders for my sex life (don't tell my wife).

Apparently, they see me as the "mysterious stranger".

Most women in their late 30's early 40's who claim to be "happily married"? They're not. God bless 'em.

 
2013-01-18 08:14:11 PM  

Via Infinito: The first Stephen King novel I ever read was Gerald's Game when I was 14. Not his greatest work, not even close, but it was one of the most interesting books I'd read at the time.
I can't say for sure if it colored my sexual experiences, but I have never allowed anyone to use handcuffs on me.


I learned about the birds 'n' bees from Jean Auel.

When I got older, my mother assured me that Jondalar is a creature of pure imagination.
 
2013-01-18 08:14:57 PM  

23FPB23: khyberkitsune: 23FPB23: Yeah if you ignore the ability to fight back. Fark handcuffs.

You must be a very sheltered and inexperienced child. Most handcuffs sold come with quick-release latches, unless you're buying police issue or the serious bondage ones.

I'm talking "real" handcuffs, douchenozzle. Otherwise what's the point in someone cuffing you?

Dumbass.


Your quotation marks imply you mean fake handcuffs. But it would appear you're still taking 9th-grade English, so I'll just stop there.
 
2013-01-18 08:19:48 PM  
stuffpoint.com

// Hot like Gina from my work
 
2013-01-18 08:23:16 PM  

cgraves67: Just out of curiosity, how does that stack up against, say, Charles Dickens or Mark Twain?


Obviously different books will have different common phrases, but just for fun I compared some you might also expect to see in Great Expectations and Huckleberry Finn:

50: characters raise their eyebrows 6, 1 (counting any eyebrow movement)
125: Ana "blushes" or "flushes" 9, 0
199
: characters "murmur" 14, 0
49
: characters "mutter" 11, 1
195
: characters "whisper" 24, 12
34
: characters "smirk" 1, 0
46
: characters "gasp" 4, 3
124
: "grins" 7, 15
124
"frowns" 4, 2

To be fair, Huckleberry Finn is about half as long as 50 Shades or Great Expectations, but it's still a striking difference in a set of common speaking and facial expression words that aren't out of place in any type of book.

It's usually seen as the mark of a novice writer to not be confident enough in their dialogue to just let their characters just "say" it rather than constantly murmuring, muttering, gasping or whining -- or worse, saying everything indignantly, hurriedly, wretchedly, longingly, etc. That's part of what you're seeing here.
 
2013-01-18 08:23:24 PM  

KiwDaWabbit: Onkel Buck: As my retired dom friend said about 50 Shades. "It's S&M for Dummies and someone is going to get hurt, and not the good kinda hurt."

The ex was online buying bondage gear the day she moved out. I guess she moves on quick.

/Is it wrong to hope she gets hurt?


Ummm... damn dude, its been rough week. I gotta question your slashie. You got me thinking, maybe these gun grabbers might be onto something. I hate I gotta doubt ya, but its the times we live in. That was a creepy statement. I dont even know what Im supposed to be paranoid about anymore.
 
2013-01-18 08:25:32 PM  

Chariset: Via Infinito: The first Stephen King novel I ever read was Gerald's Game when I was 14. Not his greatest work, not even close, but it was one of the most interesting books I'd read at the time.
I can't say for sure if it colored my sexual experiences, but I have never allowed anyone to use handcuffs on me.

I learned about the birds 'n' bees from Jean Auel.

When I got older, my mother assured me that Jondalar is a creature of pure imagination.


Some call him Dongalar.
 
2013-01-18 08:26:51 PM  
Bie EIp

I'll tie it up for ya
 
2013-01-18 08:29:26 PM  

Onkel Buck: KiwDaWabbit: Onkel Buck: As my retired dom friend said about 50 Shades. "It's S&M for Dummies and someone is going to get hurt, and not the good kinda hurt."

The ex was online buying bondage gear the day she moved out. I guess she moves on quick.

/Is it wrong to hope she gets hurt?

Ummm... damn dude, its been rough week. I gotta question your slashie. You got me thinking, maybe these gun grabbers might be onto something. I hate I gotta doubt ya, but its the times we live in. That was a creepy statement. I dont even know what Im supposed to be paranoid about anymore.


lolwut.jpg
 
2013-01-18 08:35:49 PM  
All I know about 50 shades is it got some women in the mood, in particular 2 married women I work with that weren't getting it at home...so keep up the good work!
 
2013-01-18 08:41:50 PM  

Smeggy Smurf: that sounds as bad as a wheel of time book

/tug braid
//sniff


I imagine RJ as he was just starting the first book and sketching out each character's traits on note cards: he thinks a moment, then writes "temper" and "tugs braid" on a card, puts it on the top of a completed pile and congratulates himself on another one down.

\Still better than Butlerian Jihad, where if there was such prep work, at least one of the cards could not have possibly said anything but simply "biatch".
 
2013-01-18 08:51:11 PM  
The important thing to take away from "50 Shades of Grey" is if you're sure you've found mister right, prepare your anus.
 
2013-01-18 08:51:33 PM  

Smeggy Smurf: Ishkur: Everything you need to know about 50 Shades of Gray:

#: of occurrences of literary device

41: characters roll their eyes
35: Ana bites her lip
16: Christian's lips "quirk up"
17: Christian "cocks his head to one side"
15: characters "purse" their lips
50: characters raise their eyebrows
80: references to Ana's anthropomorphic "subconscious"
58: references to Ana's "inner goddess"
92: Ana saying some form of "oh crap" (including "holy crap", "double crap", or "triple crap").
81: Ana says "Jeez"
72: Ana says "oh my"
125: Ana "blushes" or "flushes" (including 13 that are "scarlet," 6 that are "crimson," and one that is "stars and stripes red.")
13: Ana "peeks up" at Christian
9: references to Christian's "hooded eyes"
7: references to Christians "long index finger"
25: references to how "hot" Christian is (including 4: "He's so freaking hot.")
10: Christian's "mouth presses into a hard line"
199: characters "murmur"
49: characters "mutter"
195: characters "whisper"
21: characters "clamber" on/in/out of things
34: characters "smirk"
46: characters "gasp"
18: "breath hitches"
124: "grins"
124 "frowns"
And orgasms are always described as intense, body-shattering, delicious, violent, all-consuming, turbulent, agonizing and exhausting

And this is only book one.

that sounds as bad as a wheel of time book

/tug braid
//sniff


http://blacktower.net/randdaman.htm

I'm not one for fanfiction, but this one had me at, "Nynaeve pulls on her braid. She pulls too hard, yanking out a chunk of her skull, she falls to the ground and bleeds to death."

/comma splice
//like a boss
 
2013-01-18 08:52:03 PM  

Indubitably: Cheating on a committed relationship and/or marriage is unacceptable human behavior anymore.


Cheating is bad, but so is being subjected to a sexless relationship or marriage.

For the record, I have never cheated. I was actually given a free pass, which I did not take. I was justified in thinking that this offer was to make up for her guilt, I just didn't and probably never will know what all that consisted of.
 
2013-01-18 08:53:49 PM  
Twain is so cool, he put all descriptions of the sky in an appendix. I forget which book that was.
 
2013-01-18 08:54:06 PM  

Indubitably: Cheating on a committed relationship and/or marriage is unacceptable human behavior anymore.


It's only unacceptable if you get caught.

People wouldn't cheat if they were getting what they needed from their relationships.
 
2013-01-18 08:55:06 PM  
Tied up the boyfriend once, then promptly passed out. Luckily I was using the belt from a karate gi and he was able to work himself free. We didn't do that again.
 
2013-01-18 08:56:13 PM  

Ishkur: cgraves67: Just out of curiosity, how does that stack up against, say, Charles Dickens or Mark Twain?

Not sure. Don't think anyone's tabulated any repetitive phrases in Dickens and Twain, probably because, ohhh I dunno... THERE AREN'T ANY.

Of if there are, they are used sparingly and with purpose so they're not as noticeable. When a character says some form of "____ crap" almost 100 times in a 500 page book, you're seeing it nearly every fifth page (what's happening to her that has her exasperate so often?!). Same with "oh my", which has practically become a fully owned subsidiary of one George Takei, LTD. and no one can read or say that phrase anymore without saying it in his voice.

It's lazy, stupid, boring, repetitive writing with an extremely stunted vocabulary. There's no color or life or didactic imagery, it's just cliche after cliche after cliche. I don't know why these terrible novels (this goes for Twilight, Da Vinci Code, etc.) keep becoming best sellers when they're often the worst written. It's literally a chore to slog through something that banal.


Oh, it makes sense... most people (i.e. not anyone who would read Fark) like to know what to expect. They want their stories to be predictable and familiar. They do want some surprises, but only ones that they expect. So just stick to the formula and you'll be OK with these people. Then you can go listen to the "4 Chords" thing on youtube and rock out and connect with them on a really deep level.
 
2013-01-18 08:58:58 PM  
"Smack it, baby! Yeah! Just like that!"

"Yeah?"

"Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Oh yeah!"

t3.gstatic.com
 
2013-01-18 09:07:28 PM  

D_Evans45: HellRaisingHoosier: What's the story though?


The plot of pornographic tales is usually either hardly relative or non-existent. If you are looking that hard for plots in your porno, you are doing it wrong.

When most women sit down to read this, they aren't settling in for a good yarn.


DNRTFB, but the best description I heard of the plot (well, more like "scenario") is that a plucky young liberal graduate student is seduced by an older conservative professional-type.

But then there are all these caveats... it never quite gets interesting, any semblance to BDSM was actually pretty tame.

I'm not going to make the same mistake I did with Da Vinci Code and actually read it, though I enjoyed the fiftyshadesgenerator
 
2013-01-18 09:08:17 PM  

Indubitably: We exist on a plane of existence...


To fly
 
2013-01-18 09:09:53 PM  

23FPB23: khyberkitsune: 23FPB23: Yeah if you ignore the ability to fight back. Fark handcuffs.

You must be a very sheltered and inexperienced child. Most handcuffs sold come with quick-release latches, unless you're buying police issue or the serious bondage ones.

I'm talking "real" handcuffs, douchenozzle. Otherwise what's the point in someone cuffing you?

Dumbass.


Only a person with no regard for their own health would use handcuffs in real bondage, especially suspension. Not only do they create the risk of having to have someone come cut you out when you lose the key, they can severely damage your hands and wrists.
 
2013-01-18 09:29:34 PM  

cgraves67: Ishkur: Everything you need to know about 50 Shades of Gray:

#: of occurrences of literary device

41: characters roll their eyes
35: Ana bites her lip
16: Christian's lips "quirk up"
17: Christian "cocks his head to one side"
15: characters "purse" their lips
50: characters raise their eyebrows
80: references to Ana's anthropomorphic "subconscious"
58: references to Ana's "inner goddess"
92: Ana saying some form of "oh crap" (including "holy crap", "double crap", or "triple crap").
81: Ana says "Jeez"
72: Ana says "oh my"
125: Ana "blushes" or "flushes" (including 13 that are "scarlet," 6 that are "crimson," and one that is "stars and stripes red.")
13: Ana "peeks up" at Christian
9: references to Christian's "hooded eyes"
7: references to Christians "long index finger"
25: references to how "hot" Christian is (including 4: "He's so freaking hot.")
10: Christian's "mouth presses into a hard line"
199: characters "murmur"
49: characters "mutter"
195: characters "whisper"
21: characters "clamber" on/in/out of things
34: characters "smirk"
46: characters "gasp"
18: "breath hitches"
124: "grins"
124 "frowns"
And orgasms are always described as intense, body-shattering, delicious, violent, all-consuming, turbulent, agonizing and exhausting

And this is only book one.

Just out of curiosity, how does that stack up against, say, Charles Dickens or Mark Twain?


Those have a lot more "ejaculations."

I spit my drink out reading War of the Worlds when the protagonist ejaculates violently on another person, and all about the room.
 
2013-01-18 09:32:52 PM  

Skirl Hutsenreiter: cgraves67: Just out of curiosity, how does that stack up against, say, Charles Dickens or Mark Twain?

Obviously different books will have different common phrases, but just for fun I compared some you might also expect to see in Great Expectations and Huckleberry Finn:

50: characters raise their eyebrows 6, 1 (counting any eyebrow movement)
125: Ana "blushes" or "flushes" 9, 0
199: characters "murmur" 14, 0
49: characters "mutter" 11, 1
195: characters "whisper" 24, 12
34: characters "smirk" 1, 0
46: characters "gasp" 4, 3
124: "grins" 7, 15
124 "frowns" 4, 2

To be fair, Huckleberry Finn is about half as long as 50 Shades or Great Expectations, but it's still a striking difference in a set of common speaking and facial expression words that aren't out of place in any type of book.

It's usually seen as the mark of a novice writer to not be confident enough in their dialogue to just let their characters just "say" it rather than constantly murmuring, muttering, gasping or whining -- or worse, saying everything indignantly, hurriedly, wretchedly, longingly, etc. That's part of what you're seeing here.


Ooh, ooh. Now try it on Tom Swifty novels, Fano said obligingly
 
2013-01-18 09:37:48 PM  

Indubitably: Cheating on a committed relationship and/or marriage is unacceptable human behavior anymore.

Grow up, biatches.

;)



lol, somebody is still butthurt...

/Don't worry sport, one day youll get over it
 
2013-01-18 09:38:57 PM  

Ishkur: Everything you need to know about 50 Shades of Gray:

#: of occurrences of literary device

41: characters roll their eyes
35: Ana bites her lip
16: Christian's lips "quirk up"
17: Christian "cocks his head to one side"
15: characters "purse" their lips
50: characters raise their eyebrows
80: references to Ana's anthropomorphic "subconscious"
58: references to Ana's "inner goddess"
92: Ana saying some form of "oh crap" (including "holy crap", "double crap", or "triple crap").
81: Ana says "Jeez"
72: Ana says "oh my"
125: Ana "blushes" or "flushes" (including 13 that are "scarlet," 6 that are "crimson," and one that is "stars and stripes red.")
13: Ana "peeks up" at Christian
9: references to Christian's "hooded eyes"
7: references to Christians "long index finger"
25: references to how "hot" Christian is (including 4: "He's so freaking hot.")
10: Christian's "mouth presses into a hard line"
199: characters "murmur"
49: characters "mutter"
195: characters "whisper"
21: characters "clamber" on/in/out of things
34: characters "smirk"
46: characters "gasp"
18: "breath hitches"
124: "grins"
124 "frowns"
And orgasms are always described as intense, body-shattering, delicious, violent, all-consuming, turbulent, agonizing and exhausting

And this is only book one.


How many instances of "robe and wizard hat"?
 
2013-01-18 09:43:01 PM  
 
2013-01-18 09:44:16 PM  

bbfreak: onearmedninja: I really don't want to read the book. Did Cliff make any notes for it?

I didn't read it, my friend who happens to be a girl read it. Said it was overrated, and basically no better than any work of erotic fiction you can find on the internets for the free. If you're into that sort of thing, you dirty filthy pervert!


I didn't know until recently that that's exactly what it was before it was picked up by a publisher.

So, kudos to a fanfic author getting out there and getting published. Maybe they'll get good at it and publish something worthwhile.
 
2013-01-18 09:48:05 PM  

StubhyGraham: In case anyone wants to check out my poorly written erotic novel. Link

/Hangs head in shame


I may not have $5 a month for Farkprime, but I do have $7.99 to support a guy who likes the same website that I do, even though I only lurk and sometimes post vaguely racist things.

Anyway, take my $8, you fat cat bastard.
 
2013-01-18 09:51:12 PM  

cgraves67: Ishkur: Everything you need to know about 50 Shades of Gray:

#: of occurrences of literary device

41: characters roll their eyes
35: Ana bites her lip
16: Christian's lips "quirk up"
17: Christian "cocks his head to one side"
15: characters "purse" their lips
50: characters raise their eyebrows
80: references to Ana's anthropomorphic "subconscious"
58: references to Ana's "inner goddess"
92: Ana saying some form of "oh crap" (including "holy crap", "double crap", or "triple crap").
81: Ana says "Jeez"
72: Ana says "oh my"
125: Ana "blushes" or "flushes" (including 13 that are "scarlet," 6 that are "crimson," and one that is "stars and stripes red.")
13: Ana "peeks up" at Christian
9: references to Christian's "hooded eyes"
7: references to Christians "long index finger"
25: references to how "hot" Christian is (including 4: "He's so freaking hot.")
10: Christian's "mouth presses into a hard line"
199: characters "murmur"
49: characters "mutter"
195: characters "whisper"
21: characters "clamber" on/in/out of things
34: characters "smirk"
46: characters "gasp"
18: "breath hitches"
124: "grins"
124 "frowns"
And orgasms are always described as intense, body-shattering, delicious, violent, all-consuming, turbulent, agonizing and exhausting

And this is only book one.

Just out of curiosity, how does that stack up against, say, Charles Dickens or Mark Twain?


Depends. Do you mean Charles Dickens with a "C" or Charles Dikkens with two "K"s, the well-known Dutch author?
 
2013-01-18 09:51:33 PM  

BronyMedic: Only a person with no regard for their own health would use handcuffs in real bondage, especially suspension. Not only do they create the risk of having to have someone come cut you out when you lose the key, they can severely damage your hands and wrists.


Yeah, if you need metal, buy some larger choke chains and some small padlocks. You can make loops in the chain for each wrist and secure the size of each loop around the wrist with the pad locks.

Very safe.

Even safer to use decent rope, but that requires knowing how to tie knots safely without cutting off blood flow.
 
2013-01-18 09:53:37 PM  

Fano: Skirl Hutsenreiter: cgraves67: Just out of curiosity, how does that stack up against, say, Charles Dickens or Mark Twain?

Obviously different books will have different common phrases, but just for fun I compared some you might also expect to see in Great Expectations and Huckleberry Finn:

50: characters raise their eyebrows 6, 1 (counting any eyebrow movement)
125: Ana "blushes" or "flushes" 9, 0
199: characters "murmur" 14, 0
49: characters "mutter" 11, 1
195: characters "whisper" 24, 12
34: characters "smirk" 1, 0
46: characters "gasp" 4, 3
124: "grins" 7, 15
124 "frowns" 4, 2

To be fair, Huckleberry Finn is about half as long as 50 Shades or Great Expectations, but it's still a striking difference in a set of common speaking and facial expression words that aren't out of place in any type of book.

It's usually seen as the mark of a novice writer to not be confident enough in their dialogue to just let their characters just "say" it rather than constantly murmuring, muttering, gasping or whining -- or worse, saying everything indignantly, hurriedly, wretchedly, longingly, etc. That's part of what you're seeing here.

Ooh, ooh. Now try it on Tom Swifty novels, Fano said obligingly


Flying: 9000
Robot: 9000
Atomic: 9001
 
2013-01-18 09:57:35 PM  

Hot Lunch: Even though I only lurk and sometimes post vaguely racist things.



What about your race is so much better than the other races? Your race has trash just like all the other races. Have you ever been to a really busy Wal Mart?

/Unashamed to shop at Wal Mart
 
2013-01-18 10:01:23 PM  

D_Evans45: Hot Lunch: Even though I only lurk and sometimes post vaguely racist things.


What about your race is so much better than the other races? Your race has trash just like all the other races. Have you ever been to a really busy Wal Mart?

/Unashamed to shop at Wal Mart


Um, who said I support any race? You sound Mexican when you talk like that
 
2013-01-18 10:14:16 PM  

BronyMedic: Only a person with no regard for their own health would use handcuffs in real bondage, especially suspension.


And as I said (and you seem to have ignored) pretty much EVERY set of handcuffs sold for bondage today have safety release latches, I can think of maybe two brands that are an exception (and even then, those can be undone with a paperclip in the locking hole.)

Unless you're using police issue stuff (like from Galls magazine) there is pretty much ZERO risk involved.
 
2013-01-18 10:14:53 PM  

ProfessorOhki: Fano: Skirl Hutsenreiter: cgraves67: Just out of curiosity, how does that stack up against, say, Charles Dickens or Mark Twain?

Obviously different books will have different common phrases, but just for fun I compared some you might also expect to see in Great Expectations and Huckleberry Finn:

50: characters raise their eyebrows 6, 1 (counting any eyebrow movement)
125: Ana "blushes" or "flushes" 9, 0
199: characters "murmur" 14, 0
49: characters "mutter" 11, 1
195: characters "whisper" 24, 12
34: characters "smirk" 1, 0
46: characters "gasp" 4, 3
124: "grins" 7, 15
124 "frowns" 4, 2

To be fair, Huckleberry Finn is about half as long as 50 Shades or Great Expectations, but it's still a striking difference in a set of common speaking and facial expression words that aren't out of place in any type of book.

It's usually seen as the mark of a novice writer to not be confident enough in their dialogue to just let their characters just "say" it rather than constantly murmuring, muttering, gasping or whining -- or worse, saying everything indignantly, hurriedly, wretchedly, longingly, etc. That's part of what you're seeing here.

Ooh, ooh. Now try it on Tom Swifty novels, Fano said obligingly

Flying: 9000
Robot: 9000
Atomic: 9001


Atomic?
i.imgur.com
 
2013-01-18 10:15:08 PM  

Sid_6.7: BronyMedic: Only a person with no regard for their own health would use handcuffs in real bondage, especially suspension. Not only do they create the risk of having to have someone come cut you out when you lose the key, they can severely damage your hands and wrists.

Yeah, if you need metal, buy some larger choke chains and some small padlocks. You can make loops in the chain for each wrist and secure the size of each loop around the wrist with the pad locks.

Very safe.

Even safer to use decent rope, but that requires knowing how to tie knots safely without cutting off blood flow.


we've got super strong bondage tape. sticks to itself. safe.
 
2013-01-18 10:31:35 PM  
It's just 'fashion'; silly and fleeting.
 
2013-01-18 10:40:48 PM  
So, atrocious female writers with abbreviated first names have devastated science fiction, fantasy and horror with a never ending avalanche of garbage and now they are leveling their crap spewing hoses at erotic literature.

Goody.
 
2013-01-18 10:40:52 PM  

bingethinker: I tried to write an erotic novel, but it was rejected. Something about excessive use of the word "throbbing."


The children's book I was trying to peddle to different publishers was also rejected for the same reason. People just don't recognize good literature these days.
 
2013-01-18 10:47:25 PM  
Smelly Pirate Hooker:
Picturing all the soccer moms trying to do "kinky" shiat kinda gives me the heebies. To each their own, I guess.

Don't worry, most of them will try it once, get their husbands' hopes up, and then never touch it again once they realize that being tied up, whipped, and buggered hurts. (I mean, duh, that's why people do it)

D_Evans45:
Yeah 50 Shades actually was a originally a Twilight fanfic called Masters of the Universe.

LOL, I was truly expecting that link to be this...  On Fark much, me?
 
2013-01-18 10:51:15 PM  
FTA: She likened the book's impact to what the TV show "Sex and the City" did for female masturbation when the character Charlotte (Kristin Davis) purchased a vibrator called 'The Rabbit"-an item that continues to be a best-seller more than a decade later.

Is that where those came from? God bless 'em!
 
2013-01-18 11:16:21 PM  
I'm not getting into this conversation again. HOWEVER, this pissed me off:

FTFA
"Epstein said she would soon unveil a similar line for baby boomers, featuring large buttons for people whose eyesight is fading."When you're over 40, sometimes you can be like, 'What?!' when trying to operate these things, and that's not good."

coont, we Gen Xers are the ones that are just peaking over 40. You farkers are over 60. You're not young anymore! Accept it! Move out of the way! Your vibrators have the same controls on them as a Jitterbug! fark YOOOUUUU!!!!
 
2013-01-18 11:19:19 PM  

ciberido: cgraves67: Ishkur: Everything you need to know about 50 Shades of Gray:

#: of occurrences of literary device

41: characters roll their eyes
35: Ana bites her lip
16: Christian's lips "quirk up"
17: Christian "cocks his head to one side"
15: characters "purse" their lips
50: characters raise their eyebrows
80: references to Ana's anthropomorphic "subconscious"
58: references to Ana's "inner goddess"
92: Ana saying some form of "oh crap" (including "holy crap", "double crap", or "triple crap").
81: Ana says "Jeez"
72: Ana says "oh my"
125: Ana "blushes" or "flushes" (including 13 that are "scarlet," 6 that are "crimson," and one that is "stars and stripes red.")
13: Ana "peeks up" at Christian
9: references to Christian's "hooded eyes"
7: references to Christians "long index finger"
25: references to how "hot" Christian is (including 4: "He's so freaking hot.")
10: Christian's "mouth presses into a hard line"
199: characters "murmur"
49: characters "mutter"
195: characters "whisper"
21: characters "clamber" on/in/out of things
34: characters "smirk"
46: characters "gasp"
18: "breath hitches"
124: "grins"
124 "frowns"
And orgasms are always described as intense, body-shattering, delicious, violent, all-consuming, turbulent, agonizing and exhausting

And this is only book one.

Just out of curiosity, how does that stack up against, say, Charles Dickens or Mark Twain?

Depends. Do you mean Charles Dickens with a "C" or Charles Dikkens with two "K"s, the well-known Dutch author?


Why don't you try W.H. Smiths?
 
2013-01-18 11:22:25 PM  

StubhyGraham: In case anyone wants to check out my poorly written erotic novel. Link

/Hangs head in shame


Written by a man with a veeery sexy learning disability- what's it called, Kiff?
 
2013-01-18 11:31:08 PM  
Ok, so Fifty Shades of Gray isn't Hemingway or Faulkner, so what? I have read all three of the books, and I liked them. They were fun brain candy.

These books misrepresent BDSM and other sexy time fun. . .like main stream porn has it right?
 
2013-01-18 11:35:21 PM  

Oznog: StubhyGraham: In case anyone wants to check out my poorly written erotic novel. Link

/Hangs head in shame

Written by a man with a veeery sexy learning disability- what's it called, Kiff?



::exasperated sigh::

Sexlexia.

/ Do you like to read? I just got a great book on tape. It's about life in ancient Greece.
 
2013-01-18 11:47:44 PM  

Shakespeare's Sister: Ok, so Fifty Shades of Gray isn't Hemingway or Faulkner, so what? I have read all three of the books, and I liked them. They were fun brain candy.

These books misrepresent BDSM and other sexy time fun. . .like main stream porn has it right?


I'm cool with people reading them or watching anything they want and thinking 'ah fun to watch, but not realistic'. Porn is not realistic because 'omg who has time for that many positions before they have to, you know, stop sexing and go to work' or 'most women/men don't look like that'

Fifty Shades misrepresents what a healthy relationship is. I mean you can be BDSM and healthy relationship. But you can't be a female devoid of self-esteem who does things she actually doesn't want to do because she thinks she has to in order to keep the guy of her 'dreams'. In my mind, that is more offensive to women than porn could ever be.
 
2013-01-19 01:13:09 AM  

Koodz: snip


blacktower.net Damn I haven't heard that in a long farking time. Wotism.org/chat was the place to chat WoT back then.
 
2013-01-19 02:52:37 AM  
Gah! Indubitably!!

Don't DO that!! Especially with how you do that wibbly thing in the middle.

I had to put my eyeballs back in.

Ow.
 
2013-01-19 08:09:53 AM  
oops.
dailypicksandflicks.com
 
2013-01-19 10:11:11 AM  

spidermilk: Shakespeare's Sister: Ok, so Fifty Shades of Gray isn't Hemingway or Faulkner, so what? I have read all three of the books, and I liked them. They were fun brain candy.

These books misrepresent BDSM and other sexy time fun. . .like main stream porn has it right?

I'm cool with people reading them or watching anything they want and thinking 'ah fun to watch, but not realistic'. Porn is not realistic because 'omg who has time for that many positions before they have to, you know, stop sexing and go to work' or 'most women/men don't look like that'

Fifty Shades misrepresents what a healthy relationship is. I mean you can be BDSM and healthy relationship. But you can't be a female devoid of self-esteem who does things she actually doesn't want to do because she thinks she has to in order to keep the guy of her 'dreams'. In my mind, that is more offensive to women than porn could ever be.


I know that BDSM and healthy relationships coexist. I did not have an issue with the BDSM in the books. Nor did I think it was realistic. I am aware of poetic license, and that an accurate representation of the sex lives of a group of people cannot be done, as there are too many factors. Neither porn nor these books offend me. I would say that the number of people who believe porn is real is about the same as those who think the series is real.

In short, one should read these the way she watches porn or reads any other work of fiction. Realize it is fiction and not the way it really is. It is two characters in a made up world--these two people and the company he works for and all the rest do not exist.

After reading them, I did not want to do some of the things they did. Some sounded good. The bf benefited from the book.
 
2013-01-19 10:17:47 AM  
So this is where we pimp our own books?

http://www.amazon.com/J.-Eric-Laing/e/B007TYOAV0
 
2013-01-19 11:34:32 AM  

Ernie the Fork: So this is where we pimp our own books?

http://www.amazon.com/J.-Eric-Laing/e/B007TYOAV0


Scissors & Tweed

Amazon Prime $14.95
New: $13.17
Used: $57.06


i.ytimg.com

I'll take eight!
 
2013-01-19 11:41:00 AM  

WhippingBoy: Indubitably: Cheating on a committed relationship and/or marriage is unacceptable human behavior anymore.

It's only unacceptable if you get caught.

People wouldn't cheat if they were getting what they needed from their relationships.


I disagree. In my experience (I'm a woman), men fall into three categories:

1) Innate cheaters. These guys will go for any woman who strikes their fancy, regardless of whom they're with. I mean, they could be married to/living with a woman who is a model with a PhD in astrophysics and an insatiable sex drive, as well as being a gourmet cook, and they'll still cheat - if only for the thrill of forbidden fruit.

2) The non-cheaters. Remain loyal, no matter what. Blue balls, emotional/physical abuse by their wife or partner, physical distance such as a military deployment - they don't cheat. Period. A minority.

3) The cheaters due to circumstance (a growing group.) These are the guys who at least in theory would like a fulfilling, monogamous relationship but are unhappy and are either unable to take steps to fix things or have tried and found that their wife/partner is uncooperative. So they look for something on the side. It's worth noting that in the past many of these men would have fallen into the "non-cheater" group, but with the prolification of dating sites and social networking, can now meet someone with very little effort. These guys are also more likely to have a lover on the side, as opposed to hooking up with random women.
 
2013-01-19 11:43:26 AM  

maxx2112: Ernie the Fork: So this is where we pimp our own books?

http://www.amazon.com/J.-Eric-Laing/e/B007TYOAV0

Scissors & Tweed

Amazon Prime $14.95
New: $13.17
Used: $57.06


[i.ytimg.com image 480x360]

I'll take eight!


HA!
 
Skr
2013-01-19 12:55:06 PM  
He shoved his turgid spoon into the creamy mashed potatoes. He played with the idea that it was too soon, the succulent butter square that was plunged into the mess had not completely melted.
 
2013-01-19 03:35:10 PM  
Well my novel isn't exactly erotic, but it has steamy parts which put any thing E.L. James has written to shame. You'll never know unless you read it. (Spoiler alert! It contains multi-species sex.)

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B008W31I8U
 
2013-01-22 01:49:30 AM  

Ernie the Fork: So this is where we pimp our own books?


Sure... why not! Here's some of mine

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=ntt_athr_dp_sr_1?_encoding=UTF8&field-aut h or=Alex%20Stultus&search-alias=books

/70+ others still just on Storiesonline or LitErotica
 
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