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26675 clicks; posted to Main » on 18 Jan 2013 at 9:59 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


Archived thread
2013-01-18 10:01:19 AM
21 votes:
"I didn't want to so I pushed her off me."

cache.gawker.com
2013-01-18 10:40:25 AM
14 votes:
If, at sixteen years old, some hot, okay, human woman, pushed me down on the bed and pulled my sweat pants down, my body's natural defenses would have kicked in. She would have immediately been sprayed with my DNA making a conviction a slam dunk. In fact, police would have a pretty good outline of the perp on the wall behind her. Plus, she'd have to wait at least five minutes before she could rape me.

ahh youth. Wasted on the stupid.
2013-01-18 10:47:24 AM
9 votes:
I hate when horny women want sex so bad that they tug at my sweatpants. These shiats are Guess, not some Faded Glory bullshiat. You want sex with me, then you do it right. I lay on my back while you lift my legs up and then pull from the ankle cuffs. And don't fark with my socks either! Those shiats stay on unless I'm masturbating, then go get me another pair. Oh, and when you have my sweatpants, treat them with a little respect. One little thread pull and that whole shiat can unravel, just like my love for you, biatch.
2013-01-18 10:21:40 AM
9 votes:
This part is telling: " I got nervous because she was talking about 'slaughtering' me."

My guess is he was Hot For Teacher (librarian) but as things unfolded, unfolded like the supple petals of a young woman's secret tulip, flush with passion, swelling and opening to feel the heat of the sun...

...uhh, as she grew more aroused and excited by the prospect of this young stud mounting her like a fine chestnut stallion, his smooth young face not yet bristling with the beard of a man, yet nothing missing from his manhood, no. His youthful, athletic body flooded with hormones, prime and lush, untainted by the stress and fatigue of maturity and responsibility, knowing nothing but unrefined lust and newfound desire as his burgeoning sexuality, raging and potent, yet still mysterious and filled with surprise....


...that is, she found the prospect of a youthful lover invigorating and thrilling. Faced with her own maturity and transition from fresh-faced young co-ed to professional woman, the duties, expectations, and obligations increasing with the years, now to fell again like a debutante, virginal and chaste to be taken for the first time by her handsome young lover, the secrets and wonders of her body to be discovered and explored by them both for the first time...


...I mean, really, in the face of that, you can see how she might be driven mad with passion and excitement. A fragile woman might find herself overcome with this newfound power and the thought of rejection fills her with rage and confusion, prompting her to use severe language like destroy, slaughter, castrate, poisoning your family, hiring some thugs to break your legs and mutilate your hands so that any woman you may court will be filled with revulsion at the thought of your hideous claws on her body, you'll live, but you'll never know the pleasures you could have had with her, not with another. Only loneliness and misery as your crushed and broken fingers can't even pleasure your own flesh. Cursed forever to stumble through the worst parts of the ugly city seeking out the most wretched, drug-addicted prostitutes for only they can suffer your loathsome disfigurements and will deign to masturbate what's left of your scarred and dreadful genitals.

That might prompt a young fella to go to the cops. I could see that.
2013-01-18 09:13:07 AM
8 votes:
He got into her car for almost a half-hour

Was the door hinge too tight or something?
2013-01-18 10:14:12 AM
7 votes:
2013-01-18 10:06:05 AM
7 votes:
I keep alight a small hope, that for every small-town boy that turns in his teacher for something like this, that there are five more pumping away for all they are worth.
2013-01-18 10:33:53 AM
5 votes:

Abe Vigoda's Ghost: "I thought she wanted to give me oral sex and maybe have intercourse," he told police in a sworn statement. "I didn't want to so I pushed her off me."

[images.digitalspy.co.uk image 550x460]

I guess this would have played out differently.


mybroadband.co.za
2013-01-18 09:55:01 AM
5 votes:
"I thought she wanted to give me oral sex and maybe have intercourse," he told police in a sworn statement. "I didn't want to so I pushed her off me."

So how's that homosexuality working out for you?
2013-01-18 08:43:40 AM
5 votes:
Penal codes.
2013-01-18 10:46:00 AM
4 votes:
img69.imageshack.us
2013-01-18 12:37:37 PM
3 votes:
So it was the "Do Me Decimal System"?
2013-01-18 10:33:10 AM
3 votes:
Girls have cooties. Good job kid.
2013-01-18 10:18:29 AM
3 votes:
"I thought she wanted to give me oral sex and maybe have intercourse," he told police in a sworn statement. "I didn't want to so I pushed her off me."

images.digitalspy.co.uk

I guess this would have played out differently.
2013-01-18 10:17:33 AM
3 votes:
I'd need to check her reference section, go all the way through her card catalog, and make extra sure she wasn't on any periodicals. After 2 weeks with me she'd need rebinded at the very least.
2013-01-18 11:04:44 AM
2 votes:

drongozone: Came in for sexy librarian pics (spex, hair in a bun, long legs encased in silk stockings atop heels of highness)--and there are none.


Here ya go

cdn.cnwimg.com
2013-01-18 10:54:15 AM
2 votes:

blottoman: Damn, AJF how long were you in for?


Shhh, I'm hoping to lure him into telling a lusty and salacious tale of sexual debauchery. Of course I can imagine it, but his tale would be entertainment for all and sundry.
2013-01-18 10:29:59 AM
2 votes:

angry_scientist: go all the way through her card catalog,


That reminds me of an older time before the computers when you'd have the 3-foot-long drawer full of the cards. You pull it open, you hunch over the long column and with both hands fingering furiously, flipping rapidly through the cards one-by-one, you worked and worked your way to the end of the section.
2013-01-18 10:15:37 AM
2 votes:

zedster: hmm..

[www.newrochelletalk.com image 455x455]


Yarrrr, I wonder why the teen didn't want to plunder that booty.
2013-01-18 10:10:45 AM
2 votes:
I love how this is paired with the sponsored link "13 things your child's teacher won't tell you."  Hilarious.
2013-01-18 10:03:39 AM
2 votes:
He's either gay or extremely stupid.
2013-01-18 09:41:05 AM
2 votes:

jehovahs witness protection: It's a trap.


Useless without pic.

i1214.photobucket.com
2013-01-18 05:31:24 PM
1 votes:
I would initiate an automated search of her institution's catalog database using both keyword search and my ISBN as a unique identifier. Ifyouknowwhatimean.
2013-01-18 02:43:13 PM
1 votes:

DanZero: TheManofPA: This far in and I'm the first?

[twimg0-a.akamaihd.net image 320x337]

Also missing

[t0.gstatic.com image 240x180]


The original YES man 25.media.tumblr.com
2013-01-18 01:53:24 PM
1 votes:
Kid learns early not to put it in crazy
2013-01-18 12:44:32 PM
1 votes:

internut scholar: TeddyRooseveltsMustache: I'd Dewey decimal her system, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

Please be more specific. I not sure I follow.


Look around 649.65. Then, move on to 305.3.
2013-01-18 12:36:32 PM
1 votes:

Liese: btraz70: I was an ugly child
/didn't have sex till 21 :(

You are not alone. D:


What is wrong with you people? I was having sex multiple times a day from the age of 12. Heck, sometimes I'd even have threesomes with sisters. Some days I would just roll over when one was sleeping and just do it with the other one.

It's not like the right hand is ever going to get jealous or nothing.
2013-01-18 12:08:01 PM
1 votes:

Brick-House: Something, something, dewey decimal system, something...

got nutin except


encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com
2013-01-18 11:43:40 AM
1 votes:
I think I understand why he had to download a penis from the internet to send her a picture of...
2013-01-18 11:27:00 AM
1 votes:

AbbeySomeone: Benevolent Misanthrope: finnished: Yeah, I can totally see why he'd call the cops when she's sending him pictures of her breasts. Totally.

/Not really

FTFA: "I thought she wanted to give me oral sex and maybe have intercourse," he told police in a sworn statement.

"We then started texting with each other. The conversations and texts became more intense and sexual in nature."

I can totally see a teenager writing like this, all on his own, with no coaching.

Totally.

/not really

Somethin's weird about his story. It seems that he lead her on and called the police just because he could.



i0.kym-cdn.com
2013-01-18 11:25:31 AM
1 votes:
This far in and I'm the first?

twimg0-a.akamaihd.net
2013-01-18 11:22:04 AM
1 votes:
Man is that kid ever going to live the rest of his adult life regretting that. Especially once he's older, like 35+.
2013-01-18 11:20:39 AM
1 votes:

Vodka Zombie: xiola: I blame all the hormones they put in milk these days.

/my lawn, off it

Genius!

This is going to be my go to answer from now on.  I think, if I unload this in the proper circles, we could ramp this up to chem-trail levels.  Then, you and I?  We sit back and laugh.


I explained the Estrogen In Milk Theory of Homosexuality Proliferation (we need a catchier acronym, folks; help me out) to my sister in such a plausible way that she thought I was serious, and started to agree with me. Then I started laughing and she snapped out of it. You can take this one much farther than chemtrails.
2013-01-18 11:13:17 AM
1 votes:
I remember when the librarian was a much older woman: Kindly, discreet, unattractive. We didn't know anything about her private life. We didn't want to know anything about her private life. She didn't have a private life.
2013-01-18 11:09:26 AM
1 votes:
1.bp.blogspot.com Maybe he really DID want to... But not with her?
2013-01-18 11:07:03 AM
1 votes:

Mugato: People being melodramatic with the "rape" talk. He's 16 for chrissakes. That's legal in most states.

...and yes it would be different if it were a girl. Double standard, I know. It's almost like males and females are different.


You can have gender equality or you can have gender equality. You can't have both.
2013-01-18 11:05:52 AM
1 votes:

iggyskuz: mytdawg: btraz70: I was an ugly child
/didn't have sex till 21 :(

I'm telling you...

Had to get married to have sex.

Both times.

you got married twice?


Yeah but I got robbed. I didn't get the sex the second time. I think she was just in it for the buffet. Bait and switch.
2013-01-18 10:58:54 AM
1 votes:
somewhere, deep down, his dad is really disappointed.
2013-01-18 10:52:28 AM
1 votes:

NumberFiveIsAlive: AbbeySomeone: I volunteered in my daughter's schools every year and enjoyed it.  I look back on this participation and see that the simple, random acts of kindness or nurturing could have me in serious legal trouble with today's standards and hysteria. Yes, I hugged children and actually let a few sit on my lap while waiting for their parents to pick them up. I would not do that now.
It is a sad statement about our society when well meaning people are afraid to interact with children.

Well yeah, that's generally a bad thing to let a high school boy do.


These kids were young. 12 maybe. Sexual association never occured to me.
2013-01-18 10:48:44 AM
1 votes:
encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com

This will be my new band name
2013-01-18 10:39:12 AM
1 votes:
"I thought she wanted to give me oral sex and maybe have intercourse," he told police in a sworn statement. "I didn't want to so I pushed her off me."

img11.imageshack.us
NTTAWWT
2013-01-18 10:34:49 AM
1 votes:

KrispyKritter: at age 16 i was blessed with a fair skinned lass who rode me like a pony on a regular basis. and she was happy to share me with her huge breasted divorcee mother.


I'm having difficulty imagining how that might play out. I mean, you have a young, lovely sex partner whom you say "rode" you, I think I'll need more details to understand that phrase. And her mother, huge-breasted and divorced, the young woman brought her into your bed? How did that work out? I mean, you'd engage them both? In sequence? Would it be one on one day, then another? Please, I'm having enough difficulty making sense of the librarian story and now you offer this nugget to intrigue yet confound us. Tell.

Tell.
2013-01-18 10:27:50 AM
1 votes:

sid244: Bonus, if you are semi descent,


img32.imageshack.us
2013-01-18 10:22:57 AM
1 votes:

AbbeySomeone: Benevolent Misanthrope: finnished: Yeah, I can totally see why he'd call the cops when she's sending him pictures of her breasts. Totally.

/Not really

FTFA: "I thought she wanted to give me oral sex and maybe have intercourse," he told police in a sworn statement.

"We then started texting with each other. The conversations and texts became more intense and sexual in nature."

I can totally see a teenager writing like this, all on his own, with no coaching.

Totally.

/not really

Somethin's weird about his story. It seems that he lead her on and called the police just because he could.


That was my take exactly. Uberasshole leads her on with the sole intent of having some giggles at her expense then ruining her life. F that "kid".
2013-01-18 10:18:50 AM
1 votes:
I hope she gets raped in prison.
I hear that's what happens
2013-01-18 10:13:48 AM
1 votes:
Kid sounds like a bit of a gash-tease.
2013-01-18 10:08:51 AM
1 votes:

jehovahs witness protection: AbbeySomeone: Benevolent Misanthrope: finnished: Yeah, I can totally see why he'd call the cops when she's sending him pictures of her breasts. Totally.

/Not really

FTFA: "I thought she wanted to give me oral sex and maybe have intercourse," he told police in a sworn statement.

"We then started texting with each other. The conversations and texts became more intense and sexual in nature."

I can totally see a teenager writing like this, all on his own, with no coaching.

Totally.

/not really

Somethin's weird about his story. It seems that he lead her on and called the police just because he could.

It's a trap.


Yep. He is either deliberately trying to ruin the woman's life, or is being manipulated by his parents.
2013-01-18 10:08:27 AM
1 votes:

Benevolent Misanthrope: kronicfeld: AbbeySomeone: Somethin's weird about his story. It seems that he lead her on and called the police just because he could.

Right. He's a Machiavellian puppetmaster. Or maybe he's just an average 16 year old kid who got over his head in a situation and didn't know how to get out without embarrassing himself or getting in trouble.

Who's to say it isn't both?  And honestly - if a kid started flirting with me, I'd shut that shiat down immediately.  He'd get a look so cold and a talking to so stern, it'd make his balls pull back out of fear.  And then I'd document the shiat out of it.

That librarian is completely to blame for being a kidd-diddler.  But teenagers are farking evil, and they're batshiat insane, too.


I volunteered in my daughter's schools every year and enjoyed it.  I look back on this participation and see that the simple, random acts of kindness or nurturing could have me in serious legal trouble with today's standards and hysteria. Yes, I hugged children and actually let a few sit on my lap while waiting for their parents to pick them up. I would not do that now.
It is a sad statement about our society when well meaning people are afraid to interact with children.
2013-01-18 10:05:13 AM
1 votes:

mantic: The kid must've previously learned that you just don't stick your dick in crazy.


This is an important life lesson, which unfortunately you can only learn by actually doing it first.
2013-01-18 10:04:03 AM
1 votes:
came here to call the kid a homosexual, I see my work is already done.
2013-01-18 10:03:27 AM
1 votes:
She is expected to be sentenced Feb. 26 to three years probation.

I think that's fair. Because a 33 year old man attempting (unsuccessfully) to coerce a 16 year old girl gets thrown in the general prison population and raped for the rest of his life.
2013-01-18 10:01:02 AM
1 votes:

hinten: Attempted rape is funny.


It doesn't appear to be a legitimate rape. Why? Because her body didn't shut it down.
2013-01-18 09:47:23 AM
1 votes:
NEW ROCHELLE

www.festology.com
2013-01-18 09:42:40 AM
1 votes:

AbbeySomeone: Somethin's weird about his story. It seems that he lead her on and called the police just because he could.


Right. He's a Machiavellian puppetmaster. Or maybe he's just an average 16 year old kid who got over his head in a situation and didn't know how to get out without embarrassing himself or getting in trouble.
2013-01-18 07:58:39 AM
1 votes:
Yeah, I can totally see why he'd call the cops when she's sending him pictures of her breasts. Totally.

/Not really
 
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