Do you have adblock enabled?
 
If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(TMZ)   Dear Abby column replaced by obituary   (tmz.com ) divider line
    More: Sad, Pauline Phillips, Abigail Van Buren, advice column, Ann Landers  
•       •       •

15129 clicks; posted to Main » on 17 Jan 2013 at 5:55 PM (3 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



112 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

Archived thread

First | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | » | Last | Show all
 
2013-01-17 06:37:17 PM  

cwick: Who cares?!?  Jennifer Love Hewitt is doing a nude scene!1!!1


WHAT?!? Seriously?!
 
2013-01-17 06:37:18 PM  
sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net
 
2013-01-17 06:38:07 PM  
She was still alive?
 
2013-01-17 06:45:08 PM  

cwick: Who cares?!?  Jennifer Love Hewitt is doing a nude scene!1!!1


Hot JLH or holy hail damage JLH?
 
2013-01-17 06:45:25 PM  
Dear Abby was a britty old boar!
 
2013-01-17 06:48:12 PM  

xanadian: Sadly, this is the best submission of the bunch.


When I heard the news, I was thinking that someone was going to go with a Downton Abbey angle, but no dice, I guess.
 
2013-01-17 06:50:40 PM  
Dear Abby,

I have a terrible problem with worms getting into my house. I recently moved to a wonderful house in Kansas but this problem is ruining my dream home. As you are now an expert on worms, what advice can you give to help me?

PS: I'm a single mother of two

- Worms on the motherfarking plain
 
2013-01-17 06:51:08 PM  
Dear abby, dear abby ...
My feet are too long
My hair's falling out and my rights are all wrong
My friends they all tell me that I've no friends at all
Won't you write me a letter, won't you give me a call
Signed bewildered

Bewildered, bewildered...

Chorus:
You have no complaint
You are what your are and you ain't what you ain't
So listen up buster, and listen up good
Stop wishing for bad luck and knocking on wood

Dear abby, dear abby...
My fountain pen leaks
My wife hollers at me and my kids are all freaks
Every side I get up on is the wrong side of bed
If it weren't so expensive I'd wish I were dead
Signed unhappy

Unhappy, unhappy...

Dear abby, dear abby...
You won't believe this
But my stomach makes noises whenever I kiss
My girlfriend tells me it's all in my head
But my stomach tells me to write you instead
Signed noise-maker

Noise-maker, noise-maker

Repeat chorus

Dear abby, dear abby...
Well I never thought
That me and my girlfriend would ever get caught
We were sitting in the back seat just shooting the breeze
With her hair up in curlers and her pants to her knees
Signed just married

Just married, just married...
 
2013-01-17 06:52:58 PM  
I have a rare copy of the column where she advises a woman to commit suicide.
 
2013-01-17 06:55:59 PM  

ProfessorOhki: Dear Abby,

I find myself paralyzed by fear and unable to make even the smallest decisions for myself, choosing instead to rely entirely on the guidance of others. What should I do?


Stay away from Fark.
 
2013-01-17 07:01:38 PM  
thedroidyourelookingfor.files.wordpress.com
hot, like his still-beating heart
 
2013-01-17 07:02:23 PM  

ProfessorOhki: Dear Abby,

I find myself paralyzed by fear and unable to make even the smallest decisions for myself, choosing instead to rely entirely on the guidance of others. What should I do?


Vote for Obama, he will do your thinking for you.
 
2013-01-17 07:03:31 PM  

fugeeface: thedroidyourelookingfor.files.wordpress.com


Lost it at "Fruit Brute Cereal."

If only they included Yummy Mummy as well.
 
2013-01-17 07:11:06 PM  
Well, I'm just gonna have to fix me a Phillips Screwdriver* and toast the old girl. Here's lookin up your old address, Abby!

*a shot of vodka in a glass of Phillips Milk of Magnesia.
 
2013-01-17 07:19:40 PM  

ChromoSomes: Well, I'm just gonna have to fix me a Phillips Screwdriver* and toast the old girl. Here's lookin up your old address, Abby!

*a shot of vodka in a glass of Phillips Milk of Magnesia.


Drink like that, you don't know if you're coming or going...

Today is Betty White's birthday. She's nearly as old. I'm gonna raise a martini to her because those taste good.
 
2013-01-17 07:20:47 PM  

fugeeface: hot, like his still-beating heart


You know who is even older than Abe? Eli Wallach (Tuco from the good the bad and the ugly) If Im not misraken I think he turns 100 either this year or next.
 
2013-01-17 07:21:02 PM  

cwick: Who cares?!?  Jennifer Love Hewitt is doing a nude scene!1!!1


This information is of great interest to my penis.
 
2013-01-17 07:32:49 PM  
TMZ fire your shiatty web admins!

imgs.xkcd.com
 
2013-01-17 07:33:37 PM  
Didn't they bust her on recycling old columns in the '80s or '90s and she just shrugged it off saying it was strictly for entertainment and it ended up not affecting anything such as the number of newspapers carrying the syndicated feature? If you look at it like entertainment for morons like the daily horoscopes it makes it far more understandable how she lasted as long as she did.
 
2013-01-17 07:41:24 PM  
imgs.xkcd.com
 
2013-01-17 07:44:51 PM  
Damn it, not even close to a simulpost.

It took me 10 minutes of fighting my phones autocorrect and clunky copy/paste dialogue to post that. Smartphone my arse.
 
2013-01-17 07:49:26 PM  
Ann Landers tag was a nice touch
 
2013-01-17 07:53:44 PM  

Oldiron_79: fugeeface: hot, like his still-beating heart

You know who is even older than Abe? Eli Wallach (Tuco from the good the bad and the ugly) If Im not misraken I think he turns 100 either this year or next.


Wow. Like Dear Abby, Eli Wallach is Jewish too. Those people have some great genes!
 
2013-01-17 07:55:32 PM  
As a boy I read the sports page.......and Dear Abby. RIP.

/Learned alot about Jane and Joe from the Readers' Digest but that's another story.......
 
2013-01-17 07:56:54 PM  

Vectron: Oldiron_79: fugeeface: hot, like his still-beating heart

You know who is even older than Abe? Eli Wallach (Tuco from the good the bad and the ugly) If Im not misraken I think he turns 100 either this year or next.

Wow. Like Dear Abby, Eli Wallach is Jewish too. Those people have some great genes!


Wallach's 97. (Close enough.)

/In Texas, only Texans can rob banks.
 
2013-01-17 07:58:15 PM  

KrispyKritter: Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?


A condom? You could of ha a mistriss a mother a daughter a wife and a happy FIL all rolled up in one.

ABE
 
2013-01-17 08:02:22 PM  
Dear Dottie is ok though, right?
 
2013-01-17 08:14:00 PM  

OscarTamerz: Didn't they bust her on recycling old columns in the '80s or '90s and she just shrugged it off saying it was strictly for entertainment and it ended up not affecting anything such as the number of newspapers carrying the syndicated feature? If you look at it like entertainment for morons like the daily horoscopes it makes it far more understandable how she lasted as long as she did.


Ten years after Charles Schulz's death, Peanuts reprints were still running in 2,200 newspapers. Some of these features have run so long most of the material would be new to, or forgotten by, almost all of the readers.
 
2013-01-17 08:14:49 PM  

Vectron: Oldiron_79: fugeeface: hot, like his still-beating heart

You know who is even older than Abe? Eli Wallach (Tuco from the good the bad and the ugly) If Im not misraken I think he turns 100 either this year or next.

Wow. Like Dear Abby, Eli Wallach is Jewish too. Those people have some great genes!


Both Ann Landers and her sister Dear Abby. They really were sisters, too.

/Harrison Ford's a quarter Jewish: not too shabby
 
2013-01-17 08:32:53 PM  
Dear Abby,

Got a problem. I'm a decent, underpaid, hardworking county coroner. It's
important that my family eat meat at least three times a week. But we just can't
afford to with the prices the way they are. So I bring home some choice cuts from my
autopsy subjects. Just mix in the Tuna Helper:and ta-da!

The whole family thinks my new meals are delicious. They ask me what's
my secret. Abby, I think they're getting suspicious. My smart-ass 8-year-old keeps
asking, "Where's all the meat? The red dye #2 kind that's kept in the fridge."

If they find out the truth I don't think they'll understand. Abby, what do I tell
my family?
DEAR REAGANOMICS VICTIM: Consult your clergyman. Make sure the body's
blessed and everything should be just fine.
 
2013-01-17 08:42:00 PM  

Nem Wan: OscarTamerz: Didn't they bust her on recycling old columns in the '80s or '90s and she just shrugged it off saying it was strictly for entertainment and it ended up not affecting anything such as the number of newspapers carrying the syndicated feature? If you look at it like entertainment for morons like the daily horoscopes it makes it far more understandable how she lasted as long as she did.

Ten years after Charles Schulz's death, Peanuts reprints were still running in 2,200 newspapers. Some of these features have run so long most of the material would be new to, or forgotten by, almost all of the readers.


RTA, it states her daughter had already taken it over. I think it was over ten years ago when the change happened. If I recall right, the daughter had already taken it over before her aunt 'Ann Landers' passed and 'Ann's' daughters took her column over.
 
2013-01-17 08:47:02 PM  

chicagomaroon.com

RIP DOWNTON ABBEY

 
2013-01-17 08:51:34 PM  

OtherLittleGuy: I thought she died years ago, or was that her evil twin?


Actually, yes, her twin sister, Eppie Lederer was Ann Landers and died in 2002.

Link
 
2013-01-17 08:57:23 PM  
Advice columnists are worse than Hitler.
 
2013-01-17 09:09:42 PM  
"My mother leaves very big high heels to fill with a legacy of compassion,commitment and positive social change. I will honor her memory every day by continuing this legacy."

very big high heels? What?
 
2013-01-17 09:32:27 PM  
Her M.O. (and her twin sister's too) seemed to be pretty much whatever the problem go to some type of counselor or find a support group, I bet they made a lotta bucks for marriage counselors etc.
 
2013-01-17 09:51:00 PM  
If Dear Abby was a man:

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing - your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old collage roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Sperm can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day, then cook him a nice meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband . If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should he should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral on him and cook him a nice meal.

Dear Mr. Abby
Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep never giving me one.
A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.
 
2013-01-17 09:51:18 PM  

KangTheMad: "My mother leaves very big high heels to fill with a legacy of compassion,commitment and positive social change. I will honor her memory every day by continuing this legacy."

very big high heels? What?


Big shoes to fill
 
2013-01-17 10:10:31 PM  
That SUX. That means the SUX celebrity death trifecta is complete. First Tommy Bolin, then Ann Landers, and now her twin sister Abby.

I can't recall any other celebrities from SUX.

SUX

////yeah.... I know, it's a very LONG trifecta........
 
2013-01-17 10:23:18 PM  
Whenever I read a Dear Abby article that pertained to me I found that I was better off by doing the opposite of what Abby suggested.
 
2013-01-17 10:24:01 PM  
Dear Abby,

I just got a coldcut footlong (if you know what I mean) and it was only 11 inches long. I want my farking money back, biatch.

Don't make me come down there. Unless you want it toasted.
 
2013-01-17 10:44:04 PM  
I guffawed at the actual TMZ headline: http://www.tmz.com/2013/01/17/dear-abby-dies-dead-pauline-phillips/
 
2013-01-17 10:51:07 PM  

Millennium: Both Ann Landers and her sister Dear Abby. They really were sisters, too.


Identical twins, even.

1.bp.blogspot.com

/I remember thinking that they looked a lot alike when I was young. It was still weird to find out they were sisters.
 
2013-01-17 11:20:10 PM  
I know first hand the awful bureaucracy of a big company can be. The people that really matter are political pawns for the higher ups. It's a farking pathetic game and I am tired of it. Without the meat of the companies, you farking corporate assholes would be nothing. So go fark your mother you farking coonts, be thankful more people don't go postal on you and end it for you.
 
2013-01-17 11:33:50 PM  

Oldiron_79: fugeeface: hot, like his still-beating heart

You know who is even older than Abe? Eli Wallach (Tuco from the good the bad and the ugly) If Im not misraken I think he turns 100 either this year or next.


Yeah! He is 97 and will be 98 on Dec 7th.
Loved him as Tuco.
 
2013-01-17 11:40:42 PM  

OscarTamerz: Didn't they bust her on recycling old columns in the '80s or '90s and she just shrugged it off saying it was strictly for entertainment and it ended up not affecting anything such as the number of newspapers carrying the syndicated feature? If you look at it like entertainment for morons like the daily horoscopes it makes it far more understandable how she lasted as long as she did.


To repeat myself from earlier in the thread, I wouldn't be surprised if she ran repeats. Then again, a majority of her questions boiled down to "a friend or relative is doing something I consider rude or offensive. How do I make this person do what I want?" Answer " talk to them, failing that, get a counselor."

Did you know that if you started reading all the letters she received and answered from old crones feeling slighted that their grandchildren's wedding didn't go as they expected, especially regarding who should/shouldn't be on the guest list, how ungrateful they were for either a crummy gift, or how they didn't deserve a gift in the first place, it would take you 2 years, 3 months, 12 days to read all of them if you didn't stop to sleep or eat?


Seriously, and I actually enjoyed reading Dear Abby over the years, but a lot of the people wanting advice sounded like Mr. and Mrs. Constanza. The marble rye discussion, in particular.
 
2013-01-17 11:44:06 PM  

Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener: fugeeface: thedroidyourelookingfor.files.wordpress.com

Lost it at "Fruit Brute Cereal."

If only they included Yummy Mummy as well.


Wow, until you mentioned it, I had forgotten that one. Ah, how times they are a-changin'. Apple Jacks still had the best premiums, though.
 
2013-01-17 11:49:18 PM  
She adds, "My mother leaves very big high heels to fill with a legacy of compassion,commitment and positive social change.

Because flats would have been less lady-like.
 
2013-01-17 11:51:42 PM  
Dear Abby,
What did they write today-hey-hey?
Dear Abby,
And what did you have to say-hey-hey-heeeeyyyy?
You're here again, to be our friend,
The kooks are out, the world may end!
Dear Abby,
Can you please save the day?

(Credit: Michael Loonin and the Bin House Boys)
 
2013-01-17 11:53:50 PM  
Dear Abby,

Did people ever write you angry letters because they didn't like the headline a page editor put on one of your columns?

- JUST WONDERING
 
Displayed 50 of 112 comments

First | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | » | Last | Show all

View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


This thread is archived, and closed to new comments.

Continue Farking
Submit a Link »
On Twitter






In Other Media


  1. Links are submitted by members of the Fark community.

  2. When community members submit a link, they also write a custom headline for the story.

  3. Other Farkers comment on the links. This is the number of comments. Click here to read them.

  4. Click here to submit a link.

Report