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(TMZ)   Dear Abby column replaced by obituary   (tmz.com) divider line 112
    More: Sad, Pauline Phillips, Abigail Van Buren, advice column, Ann Landers  
•       •       •

15105 clicks; posted to Main » on 17 Jan 2013 at 5:55 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-01-17 03:13:56 PM
Sadly, this is the best submission of the bunch.
 
2013-01-17 05:13:07 PM
I'm surprised nobody submitted 'Dead Abby' as a headline.

because that would be oh-so clever and witty and original and fresh and not expected at all.
 
2013-01-17 05:33:05 PM
Dear Abby: Does the valance go over or under the blanket in a casket?

There was just so much material to mine...

I liked that cheeky old lady.
 
2013-01-17 05:34:58 PM
What a weak selection of headlines. Oh well.

Rest in peace, Pauline Friedman Phillips.
 
2013-01-17 05:41:10 PM
We'll miss you, Abby. I've been reading your column since I started reading newspapers as a little kid.
 
2013-01-17 05:52:26 PM
My boyfriend watches too much porn, what should I do??
 
2013-01-17 05:57:02 PM

fusillade762: My boyfriend watches too much porn, what should I do??


Correct your definition of "too much"
 
2013-01-17 05:57:38 PM
Dear Abby,

I find myself paralyzed by fear and unable to make even the smallest decisions for myself, choosing instead to rely entirely on the guidance of others. What should I do?
 
2013-01-17 05:59:19 PM
Damn, she looked good for 94.
 
2013-01-17 06:00:08 PM
Abe strikes again
 
2013-01-17 06:00:18 PM
For the humor lacking in the headline above, I refer you to the good folks at stiffs.com.
 
2013-01-17 06:01:24 PM
It's a man, baby!
 
2013-01-17 06:01:35 PM
Dear Abby,

I post on Fark. What should I do?
 
2013-01-17 06:01:39 PM
Deadton Abby.
 
2013-01-17 06:02:13 PM
Dear Abby,


I found your advice trite and overly conservative, good riddance.
 
2013-01-17 06:03:17 PM
Who cares?!?  Jennifer Love Hewitt is doing a nude scene!1!!1
 
2013-01-17 06:03:34 PM
TMZ? Did she die in Lindsey Lohan's VIP club booth?
 
2013-01-17 06:03:49 PM
You are what you are and you ain't what you ain't.
So listen up buster, and listen up good.
Quit wishin' for bad luck and knockin' on wood...
 
2013-01-17 06:04:23 PM
I had so much fun reading her columns over the years. I'm glad she lived a good long life.
 
2013-01-17 06:05:07 PM
I thought she died years ago, or was that her evil twin?
 
2013-01-17 06:05:38 PM
Dear Abby:

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave.

I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door...

There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.

Abby, should I tell my fiancee' what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character?

Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?
 
2013-01-17 06:07:05 PM
FTA: Pauline had been battling Alzheimer's disease

It explains so much.
 
2013-01-17 06:07:28 PM
Dear Abby,

Got a problem. I'm a decent, underpaid, hardworking county coroner. It's
important that my family eat meat at least three times a week. But we just can't
afford to with the prices the way they are. So I bring home some choice cuts from my
autopsy subjects. Just mix in the Tuna Helper:and ta-da!

The whole family thinks my new meals are delicious. They ask me what's
my secret. Abby, I think they're getting suspicious. My smart-ass 8-year-old keeps
asking, "Where's all the meat? The red dye #2 kind that's kept in the fridge."

If they find out the truth I don't think they'll understand. Abby, what do I tell
my family?
DEAR REAGANOMICS VICTIM: Consult your clergyman. Make sure the body's
blessed and everything should be just fine.
 
2013-01-17 06:08:40 PM

KrispyKritter: Dear Abby:

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave.

I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door...

There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.

Abby, should I tell my fiancee' what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character?

Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?


LMAO
 
2013-01-17 06:09:17 PM

Felgraf: You are what you are and you ain't what you ain't.
So listen up buster, and listen up good.
Quit wishin' for bad luck and knockin' on wood...


JP sang it well.
 
2013-01-17 06:10:55 PM
static.guim.co.uk

RIP Abby...Someone
 
2013-01-17 06:10:59 PM
fark you guys I want that job
 
2013-01-17 06:13:28 PM
Dear Abby: My husband and I disagree about the color we should paint our living room, I say it should be seafoam green and he says it should be Pantone 3268, what do you think? -Signed Seaing Green in Seattle

Dear Seaing Green In Seattle: Have you tried braaains? I always think BRAAAAAAAAINS are appropriate, send me your BRAAAAAAAINS c/o this newspaper and you won't have to worry about this anymore. BRAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIINSSSSSSSSSSSS!
 
2013-01-17 06:13:42 PM

xanadian: Sadly, this is the best submission of the bunch.


seriously? Dear Abby, Farkers suck at headlines today...
 
2013-01-17 06:15:36 PM
the column can go on...it's like the dread pirate roberts. since the original is dead, we can't assume she's living like a queen in patagonia though.
 
2013-01-17 06:16:05 PM
images.businessweek.com

RIP ARBY
 
2013-01-17 06:16:43 PM
Dear Abby: Can death be comforting? ...Abby? Helllooooo...
 
2013-01-17 06:16:57 PM

jehovahs witness protection: KrispyKritter: Dear Abby:

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave.

I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door...

There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.

Abby, should I tell my fiancee' what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character?

Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

LMAO


Comedy gold, Jerry, comedy gold
 
2013-01-17 06:19:55 PM
Surprisingly, not the worse reaction she has given me to this particular problem.

/ even the jury admitted they couldn't guess the age of the corpse
 
2013-01-17 06:19:59 PM

calbert: I'm surprised nobody submitted 'Dead Abby' as a headline.

because that would be oh-so clever and witty and original and fresh and not expected at all.


The headline I submitted poked fun at that bit. Well. You're a TFer. You know. The queue was *inundated*.
 
2013-01-17 06:22:34 PM
Summon spentmiles and potentially his cameltoads!
 
2013-01-17 06:23:01 PM
 
2013-01-17 06:23:02 PM

xanadian: calbert: I'm surprised nobody submitted 'Dead Abby' as a headline.

because that would be oh-so clever and witty and original and fresh and not expected at all.

The headline I submitted poked fun at that bit. Well. You're a TFer. You know. The queue was *inundated*.


That's why I decided to take a different approach.
 
2013-01-17 06:25:10 PM
He was dear to all of us.
www.biography.com
R.I.P. Abbie Hoffman
 
2013-01-17 06:25:45 PM
RIP ABBEY ROAD
 
2013-01-17 06:26:01 PM

Girion47: Dear Abby,


I found your advice trite and overly conservative, good riddance.


That's why Dan Savage has a column, chum. Someone has to cater to little old ladies that want to meddle with their neighbors and family of minor and perceived slights and tell them in a polite voice "quit being such a coont and play nice"
 
2013-01-17 06:27:00 PM

Boris S. Wort: Dear Abby,

I post on Fark. What should I do?


A barrel roll.
 
2013-01-17 06:28:07 PM
Dear Abby,

My son (we'll call him "Kevin") and his wife (we'll call her "Lisa") were in a terrible accident where Lisa's face was severely burned. The doctor told Kevin that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny so Kevin offered to donate some of his own skin. Unfortunately, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. Kevin and Lisa agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at Lisa's new beauty; she looked more beautiful than she ever had before!

One day, she was alone with Kevin and was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How could I ever repay you?"

Abby, Kevin asked me how Lisa can "repay" him for his sacrifice. What should I tell him?

Signed,

Confused

Dear Confused,

Tell Kevin he'll get all the thanks he needs when he sees Lisa's mother kiss her daughter on the cheek.
 
2013-01-17 06:28:16 PM
I sincerely thought she was already dead. I thought both those old biddies died years ago.
 
2013-01-17 06:31:48 PM
I would have still loved to tear that old grilled cheese sandwich apart, even if it did look like 5 miles of bad road. Now that I think about it, I would still do it. Nothing like cracking open a cold one.

Is this normal?
 
2013-01-17 06:32:30 PM

KrispyKritter: Dear Abby:

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave.

I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door...

There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.

Abby, should I tell my fiancee' what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character?

Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?


Awesome!
 
2013-01-17 06:32:58 PM

xanadian: calbert: I'm surprised nobody submitted 'Dead Abby' as a headline.

because that would be oh-so clever and witty and original and fresh and not expected at all.

The headline I submitted poked fun at that bit. Well. You're a TFer. You know. The queue was *inundated*.


are you really that clueless?
 
2013-01-17 06:35:07 PM

AirForceVet: We'll miss you, Abby. I've been reading your column since I started reading newspapers as a little kid.


this
 
2013-01-17 06:36:21 PM
What did Dear Abby say to Barack Obama after his second inauguration speech? Nothing.
 
2013-01-17 06:36:58 PM
www.slickguns.com
RIP ABBY-15
 
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