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(Some Witness)   What have you done to get rid of Jehovah's Witnesses?   (images.google.com ) divider line
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11810 clicks; posted to Main » on 11 Dec 2003 at 10:16 PM (12 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2003-12-11 10:48:29 PM  
I tried to convinced them of the power of Odin. We both stopped when neither one of us could justify our insanity.
 
mfm
2003-12-11 10:48:41 PM  
arm wrestle them for it - you win - the believe in your god, they win vice versa - its sends them running
 
2003-12-11 10:49:03 PM  
My dad is a Southern Baptist preacher in Virginia. One day, some Mormon kids on their mission had the misfortune to knock on his door.

He invited them in, got his Bible, and witnessed to them for about three hours. This man knows his Bible inside and out, and these poor kids really weren't up to speed on theology.

I don't think they've ever come back to his house again--they must have some master list of which houses to skip the next time they go calling.
 
2003-12-11 10:49:19 PM  
Look them dead in the eyes and say: "My God can beat up your God." Then just stare. Really crazy wide eye stares work the best.
 
2003-12-11 10:49:55 PM  
I used to have a newscamera set up in my living room, facing the door on a tripod. It didnt work or anything, I just thought it looked cool as hell. At some point I had removed the red tally light from it, and replaced it with one of those red blinky LEDs like they put on cardboard displays at the store. It looked like it was on all the time, pretty cool.

Anyway, the jehovah's came knocking at 7am on a saturday morning, waking me up of course. When the door flung wide open, this is what they saw:

Me, completely naked, completely erect with morning wood, hair disheveled, shouting "WELCOME TO MY HOME! COME IN!" as the red light on the camera blinked.

They *ran*.
 
2003-12-11 10:50:19 PM  
I tell them that I am a goat. Works like a charm.
 
2003-12-11 10:51:47 PM  
try this one too.. "me no speak english, sank you" . remember kids answer with a big big smile..
 
2003-12-11 10:52:15 PM  
I live in such a rough neighbourhood that the Jehovah's Witnesses knock on your door and tell you to fark off.
 
2003-12-11 10:52:53 PM  
I live in such a rough neighbourhood that the Jehovah's Witnesses knock on your door and tell you to fark off.
 
2003-12-11 10:53:21 PM  
I use kerosene and some firestarters.
 
2003-12-11 10:53:59 PM  
Telling them you're a converted Satanist usually works, though it made my ex-girlfriend nutso when I did that.
 
2003-12-11 10:54:23 PM  
Or I start speaking in tongues... "Wanna mambo dogface to the banana patch? Walter Cronkite jetski hambone."

Nice Wild and Crazy Guy ref, SanitaryNapking.

"Jehova's Witnesses? Like the Pancakes?"

Jeremy
 
2003-12-11 10:54:25 PM  
does anybody else no longer see this on the front page?
 
2003-12-11 10:54:27 PM  
AC/DC came to town in 1993 and the morning of the concert I entered an Angus Young look-a-like competition, wearing my old school uniform and borrowing my sister's guitar for the look of the thing. I won the competition and was given _everything_ to do with the Razor's Edge tour - all 5 of the differnet concert t-shirts, bandanna, cap, pin, shorts, poster, CD, concert tickets.

I was pretty stoked and was sitting in the sun in the back yard with the stereo pumped up so I could hear it outside, when there was a ring at the doorbell. The doorbell at the house was an actual brass ship's bell, so it could be rung pretty loudly and I heard it over the stereo. I took a minute to get to the door, and answered it. I was wearing about as much of the stuff as I could have put on - t-shirt, shorts, cap, and bandanna - badged with AC/DC prominently all over them. The two JW's at the door went a little wide eyed, apologised for having the wrong house, and literally ran for it. I never had them at my door again as long as I lived at that place.
 
2003-12-11 10:54:59 PM  
Living across the street from what I called a "hive" of JW's, I learned pretty quickly how to get rid of them. They seemed to rotate members living in that particular aprtment, so I was always getting fresh meat at the door, which gave me time to try different methods of persuasion. Here's a brief list.
1) Answer the door with your jeans unzipped and unbottoned, with a roll of tp in one hand, a newspaper in the other, smoking a cigar. tell them you have business to take care of but you'll be done in 15 minutes or so. invite them in to wait.
2)Offer them a toke
3)Show up at the door naked and wrapped in a sheet...with your female roomate, also naked.
4)Let your large, friendly gay male roommate/friend hit on them.
5) After they give you their literature, hand out your own. This could be invitations to a party, or handbooks about your own religion.
6)Staple literature from other religious groups to the walls. Invite the jw's in to staple their own up.
7)Let them get to know you. Then chase them up hill on their bikes while you're in your car. the optimal following distance is 6-8 inches between their rear tire and your front bumper. Make sure they know its you.
 
2003-12-11 10:55:48 PM  
I don't get any witnesses at my apartment but my parents used to get a ton at the house. That was actually MY fault; once, when I was visiting, I answered the door to a couple of older JW's and was relatively nice to them. I nodded through their crap for about ten minutes through the big iron gate before I made up some excuse and shut the door. I was also foolish enough to tell them my name. Sure enough, almost DAILY they came by harassing my parents, asking for me. I guess they interpreted "not threatening to kill them" as some sort of invitation. They got rid of them though - one day, my dad pretended to beat the crap out of my little brother. Apparently it was pretty convincing, I wish I saw it.
 
2003-12-11 10:56:39 PM  
No, Jesus is MY personal savior.
 
2003-12-11 10:56:50 PM  
Telling them what church I belong to works in my case.

When I was younger they'd always used to show up in the summer, though, when I used to have a cache of water balloons by my window, right above the front porch. (I had a younger brother, okay?) Screen goes up, balloons go out, pamplets get wet. That worked well for a few years.
 
2003-12-11 10:57:10 PM  
release the hounds.
 
2003-12-11 10:58:41 PM  
My gf's favorite story of getting turned away was a guy who stuck his head out the window, buzzed a power drill at them and said "Not interested."
 
2003-12-11 10:59:25 PM  
Answered the door dressed in all black, holding our black cat (both coicidence) and when my wife noticed what was going on, she yelled from the back room, "hurry up, we need to start the sacrifice!"

Worked like a charm...
 
2003-12-11 11:00:42 PM  
I personally like to answer the door (since they always come early in the morning), in a pair of shorts with my morning wood sticking out. For some reason, this and a nice little lisp seems to run them off.
 
2003-12-11 11:00:48 PM  
Spiffy_McJesus & ToxicFugu, you've pushed me close to a laughter-related anyeursm. Bravo! I kinda wish I didn't live in a 3rd floor walk-up with a broken doorbell these days. Oh wait.., no I don't.
 
2003-12-11 11:01:29 PM  
one word....

Disfellowshipped.

my exwife was raised as a JW. Personally I think they have their hearts in the right place, but they really do need to stay off my porch at 10AM on a Saturday morning. However if you tell them that you have been disfellowshipped they will stop talking, turn and walk away and not come back to your home ever. That or answer the door naked and ask them if they want to take a bath.
 
2003-12-11 11:01:41 PM  
i like to argue with them, it's fun they don't seem to come back anymore, damn logic!
 
2003-12-11 11:01:51 PM  
I have gotten 'biblical' with my girlfriend in front of the door.
 
2003-12-11 11:01:51 PM  
Hmm... not many Jehovas running around here, but many Mormons. On occasions they're more aggressive than Jehovas Witnesses...

I once used the Simpsons quote:
"I find your ideas intriguing and would liek to subscribe to your newsletter."

Of course that got them all happy and stuff, thinking I had suddenly found Christ in their pithy pamphlets. That was, of course, before I repeated the line. I continued to do so every 5 seconds until they left, completely befuddled.

The only other time Mormons came by (and this was recently) I had just rolled out of bed, and as they went into their inane diatribe about the bible and how the book of mormon is important and stuff, I began looking out around them. I started kind of ducking out around the corner, staring intently at the church across the street. They both got squirrelly, and just before they stopped to ask what was wrong, I blurted out "Jesus just appeared to me! I know now what I must do!!! Thank you!! THANK YOU!!! I must have TACOS for lunch!!!!!" I slammed the door, ran out around to my car, and was out of the driveway before they had left the door.

The tacos were pretty tasty.
 
2003-12-11 11:02:36 PM  
Ender-DI: that's awesome, my suggestion is to start talking to them about your service to the great Cthulhu or shout in a raspy voice "I'll Swallow your soul!"
 
2003-12-11 11:03:15 PM  
Most people who see the inside of my apartment usually don't say much after that. What with the German Eagle, the Confederate flag, and the swastika hanging in plain sight, they just don't bother.

Don't take it personally. I like everybody. Really.
 
2003-12-11 11:04:32 PM  
I just say, "If you give me your home address, I'll come by your house at a time more convenient for me."
 
2003-12-11 11:04:45 PM  
two words. hang brain.
 
2003-12-11 11:04:59 PM  
I'm a very independent Christian (I can't stand most churches), but I also study other religions. My friends are anything from Jewish to Catholic to atheist, so I've learned a lot of things. I knew the whole Mormon theology long before the South Park episode. (DUM DUM DUM!)

When I was a kid, my grandma would rip up "The Watchtower" as soon as she closed the door! I haven't seen any JWs in a while, lately it's been loads of Mormons on their bikes.

Some 18 year old female "elders" showed up one day, and I told them what they believe and why I disagree. They exclaimed, "How do you know all that???" with a puzzled look, then they repeated their script and quickly left.
 
2003-12-11 11:05:29 PM  
I can sum up my response to the Witnesses/Scientologists in three words: thrown kitty litter.
 
2003-12-11 11:05:31 PM  
Last fall while I was vacuuming leaves on my front lawn, a couple of little bluehairs came walking up the sidewalk to convert me. I politely turned off the machine and acknowledged them, thinking they were just a couple of neighbor ladies passing by to say hello.

Within seconds of the vac going silent, one of them offered me a little Chick-Tract-style pamphlet and it suddenly dawned on me what they were all about. I accepted it without saying a word, maintained my neighborly smile, and dropped it atop the pile of leaves I had been working on. A flick of the switch brought the vac roaring back to life, drowning out the rest of their spiel.

It was only a few pages of cheap newsprint but it damn near ruined my leaf vac. Still, it was worth it just to see the looks on their faces.
 
2003-12-11 11:05:33 PM  
marvinsuggs

I'm glad someone else remembers his stand-up days (and I'm only about to hit the big 3-0). The Cronkite bit is my own. I've used that type speak several times to my benefit.
 
2003-12-11 11:05:37 PM  
They've come around before, and I just introduce them to my German shephard, who hates strangers!

When I was young, my dad backed a couple of them down the driveway with a crescent wrench in his hand. He was working on the lawn mower when they walked up, and he tried to get them to leave peacefully, but they wanted to do it the hard way! They didn't realize that my dad hated to have to fix stuff!
 
2003-12-11 11:06:37 PM  
My mother used to argue theology with them. Once she started with the archeology references (she is a Mormon) they would leave pretty quickly.

My usual tact is to ask them when they are predicting the end of the world THIS TIME. When they would look at me blankly, I would start talking about the failed predictions of their faith. They have not been back in years.
 
2003-12-11 11:06:46 PM  
Here's an oldie but a goodie...
Kissing Hank's Ass
 
2003-12-11 11:07:10 PM  
I didn't do anything, but my dog did jump through the screen door to chase them back to their car.
 
2003-12-11 11:08:05 PM  
Tell them I'm not Catholic. Mine being a Latino neighborhood, the JWs there actively seek out guilty Catholics to try to convert. The minute I mention that I'm a non-denominational Christian, they get a wide smile and very politely desist.

It's really quite disgusting.
 
2003-12-11 11:09:32 PM  
The last time I've had to contend with some form of doorstep preachers was a few years ago at my parents' house. 9AM, I stumble to the door in my bathrobe and find this 5 or 6 year old girl standing on my doorstep with her parents standing behind her. Said kid hands me their publication and says, in the quintessential 5 year old cute kid voice, "Hi there. I'd weally wike you to have this.". I say "Sure! Thanks!", take it, fling it in the trash can behind me and turn back to the shocked kid and parents and go "Is there anything else I can do for you today?".

Needless to say, there wasn't.
 
2003-12-11 11:09:34 PM  
This one is about some vegan/animal rights activists.

I was late for my train and some hippy chick stops me with this line "Hi sir, do you like animals?"

I answered very bluntly, "No. Unless you mean for eating or shooting?"

The look of sheer horror on her face was priceless.
 
2003-12-11 11:09:35 PM  
Did this once and it worked wonders... although it may not be for everyone.

I was on my way to the can when the doorbell rang, so I hurried down the stairs to answer it. Finding two Witnesses there to convert my hethen soul, I thought up a perfect spur of the moment plan. I listend to them pretending to be interested in their cult waiting for the right moment.

After a few minutes, and their intrest in me as a convert growing, I just let go. I locked eyes with them and completely and fully emptied my bladder into my pants, which showed up very well on the beige shorts I was wearing.

It took one of them about 5 seconds to notice what I'd done, and they both started repeatedly glancing down at my crotch, gaping. I then looked down swore "shiat! Not again!" Then looked up at them and said "Ah... I need to clean up, want to give me a hand?"

They never came back.

It was worth the looks of utter horror and disgust on their faces. Besides, they were old clothes.
 
2003-12-11 11:10:21 PM  
Just say, "Look, buddy, I DIDN'T 'SEE' NOTHING".

and there you go.
 
2003-12-11 11:11:28 PM  
The mornies I usually shoot with tranquilizer darts, then I tag them and release them in Utah. It's hard work, but nothing beats the feeling you get when you watch 'em run wild and free among their own kind.
 
2003-12-11 11:11:43 PM  
I've found the Jehovah's Witness people to be fairly nice. If I have the time, I'll invite them in, we say a prayer together, handshake, and they leave. Makes me feel better about myself for a few minutes, anyway.
 
2003-12-11 11:12:11 PM  
 
2003-12-11 11:12:37 PM  
BEST. STORY. EVAR.

My best friend was sitting at home one day while his mom was fixing some type of slaughtered animal for supper. I can't remember. Anyway, some Jehovah's Witnesses came to his door and just invited themselves in. It was a kid who was in his teens with his younger brother. I guess they've figured out to send their kids now to preach instead, since you can't harm the children! So these kids start going on their little spiel. Then my friend says, "Wait a moment, I'll be right back." He returns with the bloody heart from said slaughtered animal in his hand. The kids look on in horror, as my friend starts rattling on about the wonders of Satan. Then, when the kids looked like they were about to run for the door, my friend got a crazed look in his eyes, looked down at the heart, and took a HUGE farking BITE out of it, thus spurting blood all over the boys' nice dress shirts.

He never saw them again.
 
2003-12-11 11:13:23 PM  
BEST. STORY. EVAR. (with tasty enabled voting!)

My best friend was sitting at home one day while his mom was fixing some type of slaughtered animal for supper. I can't remember. Anyway, some Jehovah's Witnesses came to his door and just invited themselves in. It was a kid who was in his teens with his younger brother. I guess they've figured out to send their kids now to preach instead, since you can't harm the children! So these kids start going on their little spiel. Then my friend says, "Wait a moment, I'll be right back." He returns with the bloody heart from said slaughtered animal in his hand. The kids look on in horror, as my friend starts rattling on about the wonders of Satan. Then, when the kids looked like they were about to run for the door, my friend got a crazed look in his eyes, looked down at the heart, and took a HUGE farking BITE out of it, thus spurting blood all over the boys' nice dress shirts.

He never saw them again.
 
2003-12-11 11:13:27 PM  
TRUE STORY!

A family friend of ours with a prosthetic arm, took it off, put ketchup or some red substance on his arm, answered the door and said: "Hey, can you help me get my spoon outta the garbage disposal?"
 
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