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(Some Witness)   What have you done to get rid of Jehovah's Witnesses?   ( divider line
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11812 clicks; posted to Main » on 11 Dec 2003 at 10:16 PM (13 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

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2003-12-11 10:27:42 PM  
2003-12-11 10:28:24 PM  
[image from too old to be available]
2003-12-11 10:29:01 PM  
"I will take your literature and bring it to my master."
2003-12-11 10:29:48 PM  
Personally, whenever some is at my door that I don't want to deal with, I answer the door with one of my swords. Usually the broadsword. I have one of those 117 peice sword collection off of HSN. Its always funny to see the look on peoples faces when you answer the door with a 7 foot blade.
2003-12-11 10:30:10 PM  
Bring out my fake thick eastern european accent, invite them in, sit them on the couch, go to the fridge, bring out an unopened case of beer, put it on the coffee table, speak to them in accent "In my house, you drink with me! In my culture you share joy of manhood. Don't insult me or make me angry. (slam fist on table) Now drink, friend!"
2003-12-11 10:30:35 PM  
I asked one if he would leave if I gave him a dollar. He said O.K., I gave him the dollar and he left.
2003-12-11 10:30:40 PM  
They refuse to ring the doorbell and always knock. So if it's a knocka and not a ringa, I don't even bother looking through the peephole.
2003-12-11 10:30:54 PM  
I tell them that I used to be in their church for 10 years and once I became old enough to evaluate the history behind them I decided that I no longer wanted to be a retard anymore.
2003-12-11 10:31:04 PM  
I forgot to add that they were Mormons, but whatever.
2003-12-11 10:31:40 PM  
2003-12-11 10:31:41 PM  
As a flamboyant homosexual, I usually say, "Sorry, I'm gay."

That usually scares away any converters at my door. But rarely, they'll respond with something along the lines of, "We can fix that."

I just counter with, "So can I," and make a pass at them.
2003-12-11 10:31:47 PM  
I have a peephole in the door
2003-12-11 10:31:55 PM  
True story.

When I was younger (about 5), I was playing inside. My father was out back splitting logs. We lived in the city, so this was not common, but he had just installed a wood burning stove and wanted lots of wood for the winter.

A couple of JW's came to the door, and I answered it. They kept asking to speak to my parents, so I left them on the front porch and ran out back after my dad. He said I should tell them to get lost. They persisted, so I returned to my dad.

Back and forth I went, from front door to axe-wielding dad. Finally, he must have snapped. He ran around the side of the house, swinging the axe over his head and screaming "I'M GONNA CHOP YOU UP, FREAKS!"

They left.
2003-12-11 10:32:03 PM  
Easy; slash open an artery (one of theirs for preference) then offer a transfusion before they bleed out. Either way they won't be around 'til next week...
2003-12-11 10:32:36 PM

/too lazy to set up the link
2003-12-11 10:33:27 PM  
I feign interest for about 3 minutes. Once I've "gained their trust", that's where the fun begins; I show them the woodshed out back and kill them. Finally, I quip "Where's your God now?"
2003-12-11 10:34:53 PM  
They technically aren't permitted to solicit in my apartment building (but that doesn't stop them) so instead they just stuff their stupid flyers into people's windshields. Once I caught the guy stuffing a tract under the windshield wiper of my truck. Said truck had an alarm system. With a panic button. He didn't see me (that or didn't suspect I was the owner). I set off the alarm as he lifted the wiper. You should have SEEN the look on his face! I thought I was gonna die laughing.
2003-12-11 10:34:56 PM  
A buddy of mine:
"You're Jehovah's Witnesses, right? Seen him lately?"

My add-on:
"He owes me money."

Try to coax a coherent answer out of them.
2003-12-11 10:35:05 PM  
I try to sell them life insurance.
2003-12-11 10:35:18 PM  
An oldie, but goodie.

[image from too old to be available]
2003-12-11 10:35:28 PM  
ToxicFugu: AHAHAHAHA! I'm using that! That's awesome!
2003-12-11 10:35:33 PM  
My Friend: So God talk to you, eh?
Witness: Yep
My Friend: Whoa I didn't realize you were that old.
2003-12-11 10:35:48 PM  
I'm fairly stubborn when it comes to my relgious beliefs (which are none) and views on organized religion (which are many). I usually invite them in and chat with them for a bit. I listen to them, but I talk their ear off until they get sick of it and realize they're getting nowhere with me.
2003-12-11 10:36:36 PM  
My parents are both very religious people. Jehovas' Witnesses used to come to our house all the time, and my parents would bring them inside and have a religious discussion. They stopped sending them to our house after several were converted to my parents' faith.
2003-12-11 10:36:43 PM  
mostly, I just shut the door.
2003-12-11 10:36:53 PM  
Everytime they came to the door, I would give them a different name and a different profession. It was also cold and I would make them talk at the doorstep so I think they kinda wanted to leave anyway. After the 3rd time they stopped.
2003-12-11 10:37:26 PM  
Got one of them to fall in love with me, steadily wore down her moral fiber over a few years, and ended up looking like the guy who turned her away.

Trust me, they stop sending people to you if they think you're going to get them.
2003-12-11 10:37:40 PM  
I have tried the answering the door nude. Works for most.

The really persistent ones need a little more "oomph". I enjoy fapping and asking if they can "gimmie a hand for a minute".

Or I start speaking in tongues... "Wanna mambo dogface to the banana patch? Walter Cronkite jetski hambone."

Works every time!
2003-12-11 10:37:42 PM  
I usually debate them until they become insecure and go away. Since most of them have never read the bible and I've read it several times as well as minoring in religious studies it usually doesn't take me very long to get them to question nearly everything they believe. I remember actually getting one of them so upset that she left in tears.

Good day, a very good day indeed.
2003-12-11 10:37:44 PM  
I had 12 years of Catholic school and was an atheist for 11 1/2 of them. I know the bible.

Once in the summer, I answered the door, and there were a husband, wife, and their little daughter. I dragged him over every contradiction in the book for hours. The little girl started to get hot and antsy and started to cry. I told the guy (the mother was still doing that valley of the dolls smile) that his daughter was crying. He must have squeezed her hand or something, because she stopped, and he argued with me for almost another two hours.

By the end, the three of them were pouring with sweat, and his eyes were bugging out. That was a good day. They skipped our house after that.
2003-12-11 10:37:50 PM  
Not a Jehovah's Witness story, so no voting...

When I was a freshman at Clemson, Bob Jones University students would come to campus Friday and Saturday nights and stand outside my dorm in attempts to save drunkards like myself as we went to and from parties. They had the same little pamphlet they would hand out each time, and would act offended if you rejected it.

So one time I told a guy I would take his pamphlet and transfer to Bob Jones if he would come do a keg stand with me.

He was not amused.
2003-12-11 10:38:12 PM  
My dad always tells them to get off the property or he'll call the cops. Should I ever be in the same situation, I'm going to do the same.
2003-12-11 10:38:22 PM  
2003-12-11 10:38:34 PM  
I think we had Jehova's once. We just said no thank you. I have a grandmother that is one and knows well enough not to push it on us but I'm prepared next time one comes knocking, I'll just let them know about granny.

In Vegas, we run into more Mormon missionaries. Again, I just be polite and say no thank you but my room mate isn't that way. They knocked one day and we told them that he was Wiccan and asked if they wished to learn about it instead. The didn't come knocking after that.
2003-12-11 10:40:29 PM  
I had to pull a gun on one guy. He was extremely upset that I was an atheist and felt he had to explain to me why the constitution needed to be replaced with the bible. He got a foot in the door, tried to barge in, and got a .357 magnum in his face for his efforts.

Should have killed him, in Colorado you are pretty much allowed to shoot anybody who forces their way into your home for any reason.
2003-12-11 10:40:59 PM  
I have a Black Velvet painting of Elvis hanging on the wall of the living room. You can see it quite plainly from the front door. Under the picture I have a wooden table with several candles and incense burners. When the Witnesses or the LDS guys come knocking and ask about my religion I stand aside a bit and gesture toward the picture and tell them I worship at the First Church of the Elvi. Never have much of a problem after that.
2003-12-11 10:41:37 PM  
I do a variation on Kazaam's technique. I usually tell them I'm Jewish but that never stops them. Then I say "OK you can try to convince me but remember I'm Jewish. You'll have to use Old Testament citations only since I don't believe in the New Testament." As soon as they quote from Corinthians or something I say "Sorry, that's New Testament. You can only use Old Testament citations." I smile, listen, and stop them every time they quote from the New Testament. After a while they give up and go away.

What's funny is that there ARE Old Testament quotes regarding the Messiah that they could use, but they never seem to know them. Back to the books, boys.
2003-12-11 10:41:42 PM  
I have a lot of free time, more than even the nuttiest jehovah's witness. I let them in and inundate them with small chit chat and offers to play soul calibur with them until the sun goes down, thus saving the rest of my neighbourhood from them.
2003-12-11 10:42:35 PM  
My girlfriend at the time and I were busy in the bedroom at that time of the month when the doorbell rang. I decided to enhance my already messy appearance by smearing it all over my face and body, and I answered the door naked. No words necessary.
2003-12-11 10:43:40 PM  
Answered the door in my boxer briefs. I know it's lame, but they stopped coming back.
2003-12-11 10:45:11 PM  
We leave it up to my grandfather who always answers the door and let him speak in Ukranian. Although once it wasn't Jehovah's Witnesses it was some guy selling chocolate or something and he also spoke Ukranian so it didn't work that time heh.
2003-12-11 10:45:36 PM  
I stopped believe in a devil that was supposed to be blamed for everything. My Grandmother told me when I was growing up that if you have a bad feeling with something that was given to you that it was possessed by the devil or his Demons.

I also had to believe that I was not responsible for any of my action and I had to blame it on others because they were worldly and the let their demons bother me in way which made me not act like a witness.

My Mom was cast as the Black sheep of the family because she was a full Witness but decided to start thinking on her own and was disfellowshipped because she wanted a divorce from a man that treated her like shiat and wanted to be a bartender and that was not the way of the witness.

The only thing that it had going for it was that all men that are Elders are better than all women and they shall always do as the man says.

Imagine growing up and hearing voices at night and to get ride of them you have to say the name of our Lord Jehovah until it stopped.

I said fark it one about ten years ago and started finding what made me happy. I have not heard voice call my name or screams in the middle of the night since I decided to think for myself.

If you read this far I just look at them and say that I am NOT WORLDLY and I can think for myself and that I am do NOT have any DEMONS telling me what to do.

They usually walk away or just smile and say a prayer or something then leave.
2003-12-11 10:47:01 PM  
Stone them to death for saying "Jehova"!

/Monty Python
2003-12-11 10:47:04 PM  
Would love to try: Act interested for 10 seconds, then as if it's a natural reaction, drop my pants and undies at the door (without a change in expression).
2003-12-11 10:47:28 PM  
I had a pair of JWs wake me up one saturday morning around 10:00. In nothing but a pair of sweat pants, I open the door to two of the most beautiful looking women I have ever seen. Holy shiat were they hot. Of course, having just woken up, I have not a single clue what they are saying. I just sorta nodded and said "yea" every now and then while staring at the hotter one's breasts. I wasn't even trying to be a dick, I just wasn't totally awake yet. They eventually left, I went back to bed and rubbed one out.
2003-12-11 10:47:33 PM  
I was repeatedly harrassed by a pair of real winners about ten years ago. They showed up every Friday without fail, Watchtowers in hand, and tried to browbeat me with their nonsense. I'd swear they were loaded or just totally 'Jehovah'd', as every time they showed up I'd tell them I was someone else.., ie; 'Bob', or 'Ted' or 'Horst' or some such shiat. They always fell for it, even though this was a weekly occurence. I had pretty much written the entire 'religion' off as moronic anyway, but the final episode involved them knocking while I was in the shower. I answered, soaking wet and wrapped in a towel, and one looked at the other and said (I SWEAR!), "Oh my goodness, we woke this poor man up! He was still sleeping!". Whatever they're on, I want a DOUBLE! If nothing else, they make the Scientologists look good.
2003-12-11 10:47:33 PM  
I say random words until they go away.

fork... antelope... dog... penile... hairy... horse...
2003-12-11 10:47:43 PM  
Ivite them in to sing Christmas songs
2003-12-11 10:48:09 PM  
What have I done to get rid of them? Why, I politely invited them in and then I dismembered them. It didn't work, though. They're still here.
2003-12-11 10:48:21 PM  
Ivite them in to sing Christmas songs

Now w/voting
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