Do you have adblock enabled?
If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(Some Witness)   What have you done to get rid of Jehovah's Witnesses?   ( divider line
    More: Survey  
•       •       •

11812 clicks; posted to Main » on 11 Dec 2003 at 10:16 PM (13 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

431 Comments     (+0 »)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

Oldest | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | » | Newest | Show all

2003-12-11 04:26:57 PM  
Personally, I just refuse to answer the door unless I'm expecting someone. Works great for witnesses, people trying to sell newspapers, or any other thing.

But years ago my mom picked up a witness who forced his way into the house and threw him back through the screen door. It's no surprise I was more afraid of my mom than I as of my father when I was growing up.
2003-12-11 04:36:00 PM  
1) Answer the door nekkid
2) Lotion in one hand
3) chihuahua in the other
4) ???
5) profit!!!
2003-12-11 04:38:14 PM  
politely asked them to leave and not bother me again

/boring but it actually worked
2003-12-11 04:43:46 PM  
This isn't about witnesses per se, but there were these people at a subway station always trying to sell me their invisible buddy. So I photoshopped my driver's license photo into an official-looking ID with the word "EVIL" watermarked on it in red, got a security guard badge and one of those badge flippy things.

Next time they bugged me I flipped out the badge and said "Sorry, official business. Can't stop."

They never bugged me again.
2003-12-11 04:45:02 PM  
I put this up at my front door about a month ago. So far, it has been 100% effective, and it covers pretty much every unwanted door knocking situation.

[image from too old to be available]
2003-12-11 04:45:33 PM  
When I was 15, I answered the door to some witnesses, early on a Saturday morning. It was quite interesting: Me, hair all messed up, wearing an old t-shirt and boxers, opening the door to a very old Russian woman and what looked like her grandson, all dressed very nice.

I was as nice as I could be at 7:00 on a Saturday morning. I took their literature and wished them well.

Instead of just leaving me alone, I think this lady picked up her own personal crusade. She had to show the underwear-wearing child the light of Jehova. But, just a week after that, I got a job working weekends at a gym. So, every other weekend, the lady showed up to our house, asking for me, and giving her literature to my mom. This continued for 3 years.

We really weren't bothered by it. We'd always laugh at their alarmist literature. Their magazines' cover stories would always seem to be "What's happening to kids these days!?!" or "Why the world's lack of faith is sending them to hell" or "The media - undermining our values and turning our children into terrorists"

If you can put up with their crap for a while, you'll be in for a hoot.
2003-12-11 04:48:31 PM  
told her I wouldn't date her anylonger unless I got some na-na
2003-12-11 05:01:22 PM  
I'm the only surviving Branch Davidian, want to see my gun collection?
2003-12-11 05:05:54 PM  
Ah yes, I remember how I got rid of them very fondly...

I was cleaning my M14 after I had gone shooting earlier in the day. Of course it wasn't loaded or anything and I heard the doorbell ring. I took my gun with me because I live in the country, and who really cares if you answer the door with a gun, I do it to my friends all the time! But, I answered the door and of course there were two witnesses standing there. I knew were this was going and they started their long winded speach about how I should convert. Naturally, I pointed my gun right at them and told them to get out of the yard and never come back. I've never seen anyone run that fast before. Needless to say, they haven't been back in the last 3 years.
2003-12-11 05:09:29 PM  
I was taking some pictures of ducks at a pond inside a local cemetary one morning. The ducks weren't cooperating, so I drove across the street and bought a pack of hot dog buns at the gas station. Before I could get back in the car (remember, the ducks were waiting for me!), some guy approached me, started giving me flyers and asking stupid questions. He wasn't a Jehova's Witness, I think he was with the LDS church. Anyway, I kept telling him I wasn't interested, etc., as I got into my car, but he didn't quit. By now I'm in the car, thinking about ducks, and he's still talking. I rolled down the window, said, "Here, I have something for you," and handed him a hot dog bun. I wish I'd had the camera ready- the confused look on his face was priceless.

True story.
2003-12-11 05:10:09 PM  
We have a big dog.
2003-12-11 05:13:18 PM  
Heh. Great story LordZhoukoudian. Last time I had witnesses at my door I opened it, listened for a second, and then interupted with "Hi, my name is Haiku, and I was wondering if you have witnessed the glory of beer. I've seen beer change peoples lives for the better, including dumb farks like you." Their jaws dropped, they looked like they'd been kicked in the head and they turned around and left. Never seen them again.
2003-12-11 05:19:45 PM  
This isn't about Jehovah's Witnesses but those annoying Greenpeace people on the streets. I'm all for Greenpeace but they are really annoying so when one tries to talk to me I stop, look them in the eye, and say "we're not friends," then continue on my way. Stops them dead in their tracks every time.
2003-12-11 05:21:37 PM  
Give them candy and wish them a Happy Halloween!
2003-12-11 05:21:43 PM  
are you by chance studying homosexual duck necrophilia, or are you just into that kinda thing? ;)

Oh, and for JW's..
I just give them the address of the skinhead crackhouse down the street.

*sigh* If only it were true..
2003-12-11 05:33:16 PM  
I say, "Sorry I'm Jewish"
2003-12-11 06:07:58 PM  
Years ago I had a roommate who was cleaning up the dog mines in the backyard when these assholes approached him. So he acts interested in what they have to say. He is using one of those little garden shovels to fling the turds in to a plastic bucket. Well, he "accidentally" kept missing the bucket and flinging it on the clowns in the cheap black suits. Hit them about six times before they got wise and stormed off.
2003-12-11 06:12:14 PM  
2003-12-11 06:25:02 PM  
Oh god, the old woman across the street from me growing up was a J'sW... she never tried any conversion crap on me till I came back from college one time, but by then she was so freakin old that I would have felt horrible brushing her off... so I sat there and took the sermon, and never visited her again... shame, she was nice to me when I was a kid...

other than that, I tell the religiosos who come to my door that I am a Buddhist and/or a Pagan (pick one, it's as likely to be true as anything else), and that my faith is against prostelyzing... usually shuts the the fark up.
2003-12-11 06:25:39 PM  
I just tell them Prince came by earlier, but thanks.
2003-12-11 06:35:43 PM  
Friend of mine back in college opened the door one Saturday morn after a night of Friday night frivolitry to find three women with blue hair asking to talk to him about his religion. The gentleman was about 400 pounds, dressed in shorts and a tee shirt, and had unrully blond curly hair. He was also the son of a Baptist minister (the steriotypical preacher's kid on steroids). He quietly and cheerfully invited them in and offered them coffee or something stronger (declined, of course).

After some light banter they asked what religion he followed and were somewhat confused as he told them "I'm a Druid." They asked as to the beliefs he held and he began to explain how he believed in forces of Good and Evil in the world and how he fit into the equation.

They were more and more curious until he told them about the festivals at the winter and summer soltices... you know the ones where they have to offer up gifts to the gods? Like a virgin sacrifice? Then he asked if any of them would happen to be a virgin and would they like to visit the next time he went to meet with his fellow Druids.

I think they moved out of state.
2003-12-11 06:38:12 PM  
I just shut the door on their faces, without saying so much as a word to them.
2003-12-11 06:51:02 PM  
I learned something the other day. I learned the Jehovah's Witnesses do not celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't like strangers going up to their door and annoying them.

JW Jokes
2003-12-11 07:27:50 PM  
Ah, the old Druid-virgin-sacrifice gag. Works every time.
2003-12-11 08:48:11 PM  
I would find it refreshing to see a JW, instead of all the Mormons at my door.
2003-12-11 08:54:08 PM  
Tell them your crawlspace is full, but they can come visit you again in a year.
Or if you'd rather not get that creepy: 'Thanks, I'm not interested' and a closed door usually works.

Meanwhile, have any of them really witnessed Jehovah?
2003-12-11 09:14:32 PM  
Depending on where I am I have 2 standard responses:

If I'm at my place I ask them if they brought the goat for the sacrifice.

If I'm visiting my parents I call my dogs to the front door. You've never seen a JW run as fast as they do when they think you're about to unleash 5 huge Rhodesian Ridgebeacks on them.
2003-12-11 10:20:52 PM  
[image from too old to be available]
2003-12-11 10:20:55 PM  
1) Tell them that you are in fact Jesus and they're pissing you off
2) Invite them to your annual Winter Solstice orgy
3) Oldy but goody: open the door nude
2003-12-11 10:21:16 PM  
2003-12-11 10:22:22 PM  
I find a belt to the face works nicely.
2003-12-11 10:23:17 PM  
"Sorry, but we worship Satan." Tried this one out when I was sixteen. That's what they get for coming at 8AM. Oddly enough, they've never stopped by again.
2003-12-11 10:23:31 PM  
Something tells me this is going to be one of the best threads in a long time.
2003-12-11 10:24:01 PM  
Usually say "Dont you people believe a certain amount of people get into heaven?" Followed by "Converting me will only fark up your chance.........freaks"
2003-12-11 10:24:15 PM  
I've answered the door naked when they've showed up.

I just said "Sorry, not interested" and shut the door. They didn't say a word.
2003-12-11 10:24:20 PM  
Actually, I've never had that problem. Had a friend that said he was a Jehovahs Witness, and he was a nice guy. He was a paperboy and would get tips during the Holidays even after he discloesed his religion.

Also, the Jehovahs witnesses around here just seem to ride on bikes in suits all day. Some times they chain them up at a sign and walk somewhere, but they've never come to my house. They seem like nice boys.
2003-12-11 10:24:40 PM  
Pull out the wand.....and 2 simple words

Avada Kadavra

No muss no fuss.

or I just flash 'em with my larger and more powerful wand.
2003-12-11 10:24:47 PM  
I've been known to open the door and tell them there's no one home, then give them a good, satisfying slam.
2003-12-11 10:25:02 PM  
"I'm worried about the tiger, 'e only ate three je-hova's witnesses today..."

2003-12-11 10:25:22 PM  
Give them a little boy

oh whoops, thats the christian priests

wrong religion
2003-12-11 10:25:25 PM  
I invite them in and then ask them if they would be interested in my multi-level marketing program selling Amway....they usally leave at that point
2003-12-11 10:25:31 PM  
Offer them a Book of Mormon. They won't even touch it.

Also, watch your door for a mark if you don't watch them leave.
2003-12-11 10:25:38 PM  
i tell them i can't be one because i didn't see the accident.
2003-12-11 10:26:06 PM  
We saw them coming up the we all went into the kitchen and hid...they knocked...then knocked again, must have thought someone was home (ie saw lights, etc). Finally after a few minutes, I yelled "No One's Home". Not really all that great...but we all had a good laugh.
2003-12-11 10:26:38 PM  
umm, vote for the thing above, I guess...

re-printed for posterity, whoever that is...

"I'm worried about the tiger, 'e only ate three je-hova's witnesses today..."

2003-12-11 10:26:41 PM  
Wife answers door. I'm chopping onions in the kitchen. I hear the start of the spiel and leap out of the kitchen with Chef's knife: "BLOOD! DAMMIT! YOU KNOW THIS REQUIRES CHRISTIAN BLOOD AND I CAN'T FIND THE DAMNED BOTTLE--who the Hell are you two?"

Gosh, but JWs can move fast when they feel like it...
2003-12-11 10:26:42 PM  

Can you please fix that picture so the word F*CK is a bit more readable? Just blur out the U and it will be fine.
2003-12-11 10:26:57 PM  
Actually! this was a fun story for me, but I don't know if anyone else would appreciate it. I was once a campaign coordinator for "the campaign to save the environment". Big tree hugging liberal org. that cartman should nuke. Anyway, I happened to have a pamphlet in my backpack once when I was in an airport. The Jehovah came up and started his wrap, I immediately remembered they CAN'T VOICE POLITICAL ACTION/BELIEF!!! So I handed him the pamphlet and went right into my wrap "Hi, I'm David I'm with IowaPIRG... we're working on... it'd be great to get you involved..."... :-P, he broke a sweat when I said I'd give if he did.
2003-12-11 10:27:25 PM  
When they ask me if I have Jesus in my life, I say "Of course, I am Jesus."

I then demand they do what I tell them until they leave, and if they don't I slam the door and tell them they've been excommunicated and that their soul belongs to Satan.

Of course, I'm 16 and have only done this when my parents aren't home.
2003-12-11 10:27:27 PM  
One time some witnesses pushed their way into our house and threatened my Mom. My Dad then put up a "No Jehova Witnesses" sign on our house (which is still there after 20 years). They used to gather across the street and stare at our house for a while after the sign was posted. Eventually they stopped bothering us.
Displayed 50 of 431 comments

Oldest | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | » | Newest | Show all

View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

This thread is archived, and closed to new comments.

Continue Farking

On Twitter

Top Commented
Javascript is required to view headlines in widget.
  1. Links are submitted by members of the Fark community.

  2. When community members submit a link, they also write a custom headline for the story.

  3. Other Farkers comment on the links. This is the number of comments. Click here to read them.

  4. Click here to submit a link.