Do you have adblock enabled?
If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(The Raw Story)   God may not reveal himself in tragedy or disease, but long-lasting shoes and lots of spaghetti prove God is involved with enriching our daily lives   (rawstory.com) divider line 121
    More: Stupid, god, Dow Chemical, diseases, miracles  
•       •       •

5090 clicks; posted to Main » on 10 Jan 2013 at 12:45 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



121 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

Archived thread

First | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | » | Last | Show all
 
2013-01-10 01:17:53 PM  
Pasta Lord

Slippery tendrils lash above the sea
In a frantic manner to save what be
A crew of pirates, stranded, latching on
To his noodly appendages a'dawn.

His Noodliness holds two spheres of meat
Muddled in the tangle of pasta, neat.
In Him, I find true mirth; my solace, joy!
The Pasta Lord, He taketh me-ahoy!

He promises a Kingdom grand, so long
As we abide by Captain Mosey's song:
Yon, beer and ale spurt out of mountaintops;
A stripper factory that does not stop.

Rejoice, for He has boiled for our sins!
And now his wheaty sauce runs 'neath our skins.
My Pasta Lord who flies with wholegrain love,
Invisible in the heavens above.
 
2013-01-10 01:19:06 PM  
"Remember when we drove our car... one one set of tires, how many miles was it?" Jacobs asked her husband and fellow prophet, Mike, after the commercial break. "Way, way beyond what could ever happen with one set of tires."

As a guy faced with buying a new set of Conti ContactPros, I've been trying that.
 
2013-01-10 01:19:34 PM  

Tremolo: Onkel Buck: God or Charles Manson appeared on my iron

God or the Zig Zag man lives in my ottoman

At least one of those is Rasputin.

Also, being delusional and stupid must be awesome.


He just called you a chritian. You're going to take that?
 
2013-01-10 01:20:27 PM  
i239.photobucket.com
 
2013-01-10 01:20:28 PM  
Let's imagine for a second that God is real. If He is, and is endowed with all of the powers, knowledge and insight His followers claim He has, then he'd be something like a 10th dimensional being; something that can see all possibilities and all ends to all decisions made by an infinite number of beings on an infinite number of worlds in an infinite number of universes. To think that such a being gives a shiat about how long your shoes last, or which team wins the superbowl, or even Acknowledges we exist is, at best, grossly presumptuous, and psychotically arrogant at worst.

If God exists he doesn't know or care about you any more than you care about the bacteria around you.
 
2013-01-10 01:20:58 PM  
"I have seen God multiply food more than one time when I was cooking... And I remember spooning out spaghetti or whatever, just praying in the spirit over that, and God just made more and more and more. You know, I've seen oil multiply as I was praying for the sick. I've seen bottles of oil just fill up about a cup a time of oil. But the point is we were promised supernatural provisions."

So, basically, this pastor is saying that she has the same power as Jesus Christ.
 
2013-01-10 01:21:39 PM  
images.wikia.com
 
2013-01-10 01:23:07 PM  

rufus-t-firefly: "I have seen God multiply food more than one time when I was cooking... And I remember spooning out spaghetti or whatever, just praying in the spirit over that, and God just made more and more and more. You know, I've seen oil multiply as I was praying for the sick. I've seen bottles of oil just fill up about a cup a time of oil. But the point is we were promised supernatural provisions."

So, basically, this pastor is saying that she has the same power as Jesus Christ.


Actually, the unending cookpot/cauldron is a celtic religious thing, it's one of the Four Holy Treasures of the Tuatha Dé Danann. biatch isn't a Christian, she's a sorceress.
 
2013-01-10 01:23:13 PM  

Mike_LowELL: [images.wikia.com image 580x435]


You sir, scare the fark out of me.
 
2013-01-10 01:24:23 PM  
www.thedistractionnetwork.com
 
2013-01-10 01:24:29 PM  

Gyrfalcon: Smoky Dragon Dish: "Remember when we drove our car... one one set of tires, how many miles was it?" Jacobs asked her husband and fellow prophet, Mike, after the commercial break. "Way, way beyond what could ever happen with one set of tires."

This is satire, right? It has to be fake. Or, it's on Public Access.

No, dear, you are looking at the face of pure psychosis. Scary, isn't it? This is what crazy people REALLY look like.


Spaghetti reference? And it isn't satire? Maybe they're just grifters.
 
2013-01-10 01:30:23 PM  

Smelly Pirate Hooker: Way to aim high, God. Slackass.

As an atheist, I have never had as low an opinion of God as people who claim to believe in it. From the stupid things people claim God takes a personal interest in (their own stupid problems, the outcome of sports contests) to God's appearance in things like toast, tree bark and rusty screen doors, they make God sound little better than Donald Trump.

At least I have enough respect for the concept of a higher power that I assume it would have better things to do than watch football or make its image appear on a common household object in some backwater full of ignorant assholes looking to make a quick buck from other ignorant assholes.


Ever notice the similarities?
mrsmagicianband.files.wordpress.com

No, not those similarities. You prevert.
 
2013-01-10 01:30:39 PM  

Smoky Dragon Dish: Gyrfalcon: Smoky Dragon Dish: "Remember when we drove our car... one one set of tires, how many miles was it?" Jacobs asked her husband and fellow prophet, Mike, after the commercial break. "Way, way beyond what could ever happen with one set of tires."

This is satire, right? It has to be fake. Or, it's on Public Access.

No, dear, you are looking at the face of pure psychosis. Scary, isn't it? This is what crazy people REALLY look like.

Spaghetti reference? And it isn't satire? Maybe they're just grifters.


The FSM rotates your tires too? Maybe I should convert.
 
2013-01-10 01:32:11 PM  

Lollipop165: And this is what I don't understand about religious people (particularly some Christians).

A friend of mine the other day was asking me some honestly good questions about my atheism. So I answered by asking her some questions about her faith. But then she told me the story about how she didn't have gas in her car one day, and she had lost her wallet, and she HAD to get somewhere. She drove up to the gas station, opened the door, and below the car was a $20 bill. It proved to her that there was really a God and he was really looking out for her.

So basically I asked her, what make her so special that God would hand her a twenty but God won't hand other Christians food, shelter, or health? Are they less deserving than you? If not, how can you explain why God won't "hand a twenty" over to 3 year olds dying of malnutrition?

Now, I understand there's plenty of philosophies in Christianity regarding why there is evil in the world, but that is not what I am asking. What I'm asking is, why did she believe that God watching out for her nice, educated, middle class prayers, but not the prayers from people that have much larger issues? Why the fark do people think that God answers their prayers to win a football game but God doesn't answer the prayers of 11 year old Christian rape victims with AIDS in the Congo? The whole concept of "God is with me and he proves it in small ways" is just so damn small minded and selfish.

Faith is one thing, but this whole "proof" business is quite another.


God prefers white people and not starving negroes?
 
2013-01-10 01:32:49 PM  
God is a concept by which we measure our pain.
 
2013-01-10 01:32:49 PM  
Don't forget about St. Hubbins, who was the patron saint of quality footwear.
 
2013-01-10 01:33:47 PM  
And The Lord spake:

"Nu, you thought the Hannuka miracle was farkakte? Watch me futz with this meshugga shiksa!"
 
2013-01-10 01:33:50 PM  

CygnusDarius: Mike_LowELL: [images.wikia.com image 580x435]

You sir, scare the fark out of me.


lul
 
2013-01-10 01:34:28 PM  
So, Christians have chosen one specific faith structure. There are, for all intents and purposes (or intensive porpoises?), an infinite number of faith structures available for people to choose from. So if we divide the number of options chosen by the number of options available, we should know what the chances are that Christians are correct. Oops...

Cheers.

//Where's that Pascal guy? I'll take his bet!
 
2013-01-10 01:34:30 PM  
I like how all her examples deal with home ec problems
 
2013-01-10 01:34:52 PM  
www.smbc-comics.com
 
2013-01-10 01:35:20 PM  
When did Eddie Izzard become a prophet?

www.rawstory.com
 
2013-01-10 01:35:37 PM  
Praise be! I'm a believer now! Preach it!

www.brinkleys.org
 
2013-01-10 01:37:43 PM  

joseelsegundo: When did Eddie Izzard become a prophet?

[www.rawstory.com image 615x345]


Came here to post this. Glad to see if was already done!
 
2013-01-10 01:39:36 PM  

Lollipop165: And this is what I don't understand about religious people (particularly some Christians).

A friend of mine the other day was asking me some honestly good questions about my atheism. So I answered by asking her some questions about her faith. But then she told me the story about how she didn't have gas in her car one day, and she had lost her wallet, and she HAD to get somewhere. She drove up to the gas station, opened the door, and below the car was a $20 bill. It proved to her that there was really a God and he was really looking out for her.

So basically I asked her, what make her so special that God would hand her a twenty but God won't hand other Christians food, shelter, or health? Are they less deserving than you? If not, how can you explain why God won't "hand a twenty" over to 3 year olds dying of malnutrition?

Now, I understand there's plenty of philosophies in Christianity regarding why there is evil in the world, but that is not what I am asking. What I'm asking is, why did she believe that God watching out for her nice, educated, middle class prayers, but not the prayers from people that have much larger issues? Why the fark do people think that God answers their prayers to win a football game but God doesn't answer the prayers of 11 year old Christian rape victims with AIDS in the Congo? The whole concept of "God is with me and he proves it in small ways" is just so damn small minded and selfish.

Faith is one thing, but this whole "proof" business is quite another.


What was your friend's response?
 
2013-01-10 01:40:33 PM  

Lollipop165: And this is what I don't understand about religious people (particularly some Christians).

A friend of mine the other day was asking me some honestly good questions about my atheism. So I answered by asking her some questions about her faith. But then she told me the story about how she didn't have gas in her car one day, and she had lost her wallet, and she HAD to get somewhere. She drove up to the gas station, opened the door, and below the car was a $20 bill. It proved to her that there was really a God and he was really looking out for her.

So basically I asked her, what make her so special that God would hand her a twenty but God won't hand other Christians food, shelter, or health? Are they less deserving than you? If not, how can you explain why God won't "hand a twenty" over to 3 year olds dying of malnutrition?

Now, I understand there's plenty of philosophies in Christianity regarding why there is evil in the world, but that is not what I am asking. What I'm asking is, why did she believe that God watching out for her nice, educated, middle class prayers, but not the prayers from people that have much larger issues? Why the fark do people think that God answers their prayers to win a football game but God doesn't answer the prayers of 11 year old Christian rape victims with AIDS in the Congo? The whole concept of "God is with me and he proves it in small ways" is just so damn small minded and selfish.

Faith is one thing, but this whole "proof" business is quite another.



My grandmother had a far more elegant and focused theology. She believed that God kept track of how many times you went to church, and rewarded you with financial success (or failure) depending on your attendance. Seriously.

"Now, Curtis Tout, ol' Curtis, he goes to church every single Sunday, come rain or shine. And he's made a very good living as a salesman. And Joelon Bell's husband, what's his name? He goes to church every Sunday too, even when he got the Hong Kong flu he still came to services. And you know those pharmacists make good money."

That was the full extent of her theology. And she never lost faith in it.
 
2013-01-10 01:41:57 PM  
My choice of god(ess)
dashie.mylittlefacewhen.com
 
2013-01-10 01:43:48 PM  

AxL sANe: Praise be! I'm a believer now! Preach it!

[michelinman.jpg]


For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord
sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net
 
2013-01-10 01:45:37 PM  
And don't forget magnets.
 
2013-01-10 01:47:31 PM  

Mr_Fabulous: Lollipop165: And this is what I don't understand about religious people (particularly some Christians).

A friend of mine the other day was asking me some honestly good questions about my atheism. So I answered by asking her some questions about her faith. But then she told me the story about how she didn't have gas in her car one day, and she had lost her wallet, and she HAD to get somewhere. She drove up to the gas station, opened the door, and below the car was a $20 bill. It proved to her that there was really a God and he was really looking out for her.

So basically I asked her, what make her so special that God would hand her a twenty but God won't hand other Christians food, shelter, or health? Are they less deserving than you? If not, how can you explain why God won't "hand a twenty" over to 3 year olds dying of malnutrition?

Now, I understand there's plenty of philosophies in Christianity regarding why there is evil in the world, but that is not what I am asking. What I'm asking is, why did she believe that God watching out for her nice, educated, middle class prayers, but not the prayers from people that have much larger issues? Why the fark do people think that God answers their prayers to win a football game but God doesn't answer the prayers of 11 year old Christian rape victims with AIDS in the Congo? The whole concept of "God is with me and he proves it in small ways" is just so damn small minded and selfish.

Faith is one thing, but this whole "proof" business is quite another.


My grandmother had a far more elegant and focused theology. She believed that God kept track of how many times you went to church, and rewarded you with financial success (or failure) depending on your attendance. Seriously.

"Now, Curtis Tout, ol' Curtis, he goes to church every single Sunday, come rain or shine. And he's made a very good living as a salesman. And Joelon Bell's husband, what's his name? He goes to church every Sunday too, even when he got the Hong Kong f ...


I'd be curious to see statistics on regularity of church attendance vs income. I do know that there's a positive correlation with life expectancy and health, but it's not just church - it's any social gathering attended regularly makes you happier and healthier. I can say that I have no close friends or family who attend church regularly*, and we're for the most part doing okay (though not all of us).

* note that her irregular church attendance doesn't stop my mother-in-law from complaining about my agnosticism or the fact that I'm condemning our son to hell by not having him baptized...even though she misses holy days of obligation, has taken communion with unconfessed sins, and is divorced...at least two of those are mortal sins
 
2013-01-10 01:47:44 PM  

offmymeds: Valiente: Wait until she feels my cock.

Feeding the multitudes?

;)


More like my loaf, her fish. By the look on her face, we might need the miracle oil.
 
2013-01-10 01:50:17 PM  

Smelly Pirate Hooker: Way to aim high, God. Slackass.

As an atheist, I have never had as low an opinion of God as people who claim to believe in it. From the stupid things people claim God takes a personal interest in (their own stupid problems, the outcome of sports contests) to God's appearance in things like toast, tree bark and rusty screen doors, they make God sound little better than Donald Trump.

At least I have enough respect for the concept of a higher power that I assume it would have better things to do than watch football or make its image appear on a common household object in some backwater full of ignorant assholes looking to make a quick buck from other ignorant assholes.


I would like to subscribe to your magazine.
 
2013-01-10 01:54:28 PM  

TrollDerpistan: Mental illness is still mental illness whether you use "God" and "Jesus" or "Oognar the Avacado Lord of the Blurth Dimension of Xloop".


That's Devin Townsend's next album! How did you guess?
 
2013-01-10 01:54:48 PM  
farm6.staticflickr.com

The Gift of Tongues?
 
2013-01-10 01:56:38 PM  

Lord Dimwit: What was your friend's response?


Dumbfounded was all I can say. She refused to believe in the arrogance of her belief.
 
2013-01-10 01:59:12 PM  
I'd follow Aslan over Christ.

Aslan was intelligently designed.
 
2013-01-10 02:02:04 PM  
Oh yeah, subby, what's your theory? That long-lasting shoes "evolved" from lower-order footwear over millions of years thanks to natural selection?
 
2013-01-10 02:02:19 PM  

Valiente: Smelly Pirate Hooker: Way to aim high, God. Slackass.

As an atheist, I have never had as low an opinion of God as people who claim to believe in it. From the stupid things people claim God takes a personal interest in (their own stupid problems, the outcome of sports contests) to God's appearance in things like toast, tree bark and rusty screen doors, they make God sound little better than Donald Trump.

At least I have enough respect for the concept of a higher power that I assume it would have better things to do than watch football or make its image appear on a common household object in some backwater full of ignorant assholes looking to make a quick buck from other ignorant assholes.

I would like to subscribe to your magazine.


I'm mostly just a little envious of religious hucksters' lack of integrity. I'd be making a lot more money if I had none.
 
2013-01-10 02:02:37 PM  

Lollipop165: And this is what I don't understand about religious people (particularly some Christians).

A friend of mine the other day was asking me some honestly good questions about my atheism. So I answered by asking her some questions about her faith. But then she told me the story about how she didn't have gas in her car one day, and she had lost her wallet, and she HAD to get somewhere. She drove up to the gas station, opened the door, and below the car was a $20 bill. It proved to her that there was really a God and he was really looking out for her.

So basically I asked her, what make her so special that God would hand her a twenty but God won't hand other Christians food, shelter, or health? Are they less deserving than you? If not, how can you explain why God won't "hand a twenty" over to 3 year olds dying of malnutrition?

Now, I understand there's plenty of philosophies in Christianity regarding why there is evil in the world, but that is not what I am asking. What I'm asking is, why did she believe that God watching out for her nice, educated, middle class prayers, but not the prayers from people that have much larger issues? Why the fark do people think that God answers their prayers to win a football game but God doesn't answer the prayers of 11 year old Christian rape victims with AIDS in the Congo? The whole concept of "God is with me and he proves it in small ways" is just so damn small minded and selfish.

Faith is one thing, but this whole "proof" business is quite another.


I'd like to know her answer too.

I have a pair of Doc Martens that prove the lady in TFA right, in any event. Freaking things won't die.
 
2013-01-10 02:07:47 PM  
Science flies people to the moon, religion flies people into buildings.
 
2013-01-10 02:09:11 PM  
www.bible-archaeology.info

Christmas Shoes?
 
2013-01-10 02:10:01 PM  
skreened.com
/had long lasting shoes before it was cool.
 
2013-01-10 02:10:01 PM  

encyclopediaplushuman: My choice of god(ess)
[dashie.mylittlefacewhen.com image 766x429]


i.imgur.com
 
2013-01-10 02:10:44 PM  
Hey God.

*gesturing at beer mini-fridge*

How about a little somethin'...you know...for the effort?
 
2013-01-10 02:17:03 PM  

joseelsegundo: When did Eddie Izzard become a prophet?

www.rawstory.com


gorillafilmmagazineblog.files.wordpress.com
Came for this . . . leaving miraculously satisfied.
 
2013-01-10 02:20:21 PM  
Some believers have very small gods indeed.

/Pratchett reference intentional.
 
2013-01-10 02:21:11 PM  
There may be sick and dying children whose parents are praying fervently for their recovery, but damn do these shoes make my legs look fantastic! Thanks God!
 
2013-01-10 02:38:27 PM  

MsStatement: Lollipop165: And this is what I don't understand about religious people (particularly some Christians).

A friend of mine the other day was asking me some honestly good questions about my atheism. So I answered by asking her some questions about her faith. But then she told me the story about how she didn't have gas in her car one day, and she had lost her wallet, and she HAD to get somewhere. She drove up to the gas station, opened the door, and below the car was a $20 bill. It proved to her that there was really a God and he was really looking out for her.

So basically I asked her, what make her so special that God would hand her a twenty but God won't hand other Christians food, shelter, or health? Are they less deserving than you? If not, how can you explain why God won't "hand a twenty" over to 3 year olds dying of malnutrition?

Now, I understand there's plenty of philosophies in Christianity regarding why there is evil in the world, but that is not what I am asking. What I'm asking is, why did she believe that God watching out for her nice, educated, middle class prayers, but not the prayers from people that have much larger issues? Why the fark do people think that God answers their prayers to win a football game but God doesn't answer the prayers of 11 year old Christian rape victims with AIDS in the Congo? The whole concept of "God is with me and he proves it in small ways" is just so damn small minded and selfish.

Faith is one thing, but this whole "proof" business is quite another.

I'd like to know her answer too.

I have a pair of Doc Martens that prove the lady in TFA right, in any event. Freaking things won't die.


I'd also like to know the answer. It seems similar to when there's a plane crash, or some other horrible event, and people are thanking god that three people survived, even if hundreds of others didn't.
 
2013-01-10 02:42:54 PM  
a2.ec-images.myspacecdn.com

Hot like a menorah!
 
2013-01-10 03:03:24 PM  
"I have seen God multiply food more than one time when I was cooking... And I remember spooning out spaghetti or whatever, just praying in the spirit over that, and God just made more and more and more."

What am I, JESUS THE MIRACLE CATERER?!?
image01.lyrics.com
 
Displayed 50 of 121 comments

First | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | » | Last | Show all

View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


This thread is archived, and closed to new comments.

Continue Farking
Submit a Link »
Advertisement
On Twitter





In Other Media


  1. Links are submitted by members of the Fark community.

  2. When community members submit a link, they also write a custom headline for the story.

  3. Other Farkers comment on the links. This is the number of comments. Click here to read them.

  4. Click here to submit a link.

Report