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(Complex)   The 25 douchiest bars in Austin. Link goes to a slideshow, for extra douchbaggery   (complex.com) divider line 92
    More: Amusing, Austin, hiking trails, blush, groupies, dessert bars  
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4530 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 09 Jan 2013 at 1:30 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-01-09 04:49:02 PM
Oh I wish I was in Austin,
At the Chili Parlor Bar
Drinkin' Mad Dog margaritas
and not caring where you are.
 
2013-01-09 04:56:23 PM
This jus tlooks like a list of 25 places where the author couldn't get laid.
 
2013-01-09 05:05:05 PM
As a resident, the list is pretty much spot on thou I don't think its fair to include chains in the list, as that should just be a given.

And Cool Rivers is just the worst. He nailed number 1.

That being said, Ive had alot of fun at Petes and The Ranch before but no denying their douche factor.
 
2013-01-09 05:37:57 PM
sorry dude all bars are douchey
 
2013-01-09 05:53:20 PM

Maud Dib: Sixth St. is now populated by out of towners getting beat up by wannabe gangbangers.
And a plethora of stinky homeless people.


As it has been for the last 16 years or more.
 
2013-01-09 05:56:32 PM

mjohnson71: Killer Cars: Freudian_slipknot: Couldn't they have saved the slideshow and just said "SIXTH STREET"?

Yeah...you can probably get away with just saying "BOURBON STREET!!!" instead of writing up profiles for 25 individual bars if you were to do the same for New Orleans.

Austin is like New Orleans and Las Vegas: great in small doses. Have your fun for 48 or 72 hours then get the fark out.


So true! Austin is a BLAST for 2-3, maybe 4 days... and then, just like the Disney parade, it repeats exactly the same as before. Over and over and over and over. As a resident, but not a lifelong native, I want to get out of here so badly. Austin is the only liveable place in all of TX, perhaps the whole south, so I'm stuck until I have the resources to make a BIG jump out.
 
2013-01-09 05:57:47 PM
Is Bob Popular still open? It used to be Maggie Mae's but was renamed for a douchey frat boy band from the late 80's. Toulouse was the only other bar (with Maggie's) that had any staying power while I was there. Most other bars on 6th lasted less than a year.
 
2013-01-09 05:58:29 PM

Austinoftx: mjohnson71: Killer Cars: Freudian_slipknot: Couldn't they have saved the slideshow and just said "SIXTH STREET"?

Yeah...you can probably get away with just saying "BOURBON STREET!!!" instead of writing up profiles for 25 individual bars if you were to do the same for New Orleans.

Austin is like New Orleans and Las Vegas: great in small doses. Have your fun for 48 or 72 hours then get the fark out.

So true! Austin is a BLAST for 2-3, maybe 4 days... and then, just like the Disney parade, it repeats exactly the same as before. Over and over and over and over. As a resident, but not a lifelong native, I want to get out of here so badly. Austin is the only liveable place in all of TX, perhaps the whole south, so I'm stuck until I have the resources to make a BIG jump out.


Sounds like you fit right in there, douchey.
 
2013-01-09 06:06:16 PM
I am happy to say I have managed not to go in any of those bars. Thank goodness Flamingo Cantina wasnt on there.
 
2013-01-09 06:11:56 PM

DrZiffle: Austinoftx: mjohnson71: Killer Cars: Freudian_slipknot: Couldn't they have saved the slideshow and just said "SIXTH STREET"?

Yeah...you can probably get away with just saying "BOURBON STREET!!!" instead of writing up profiles for 25 individual bars if you were to do the same for New Orleans.

Austin is like New Orleans and Las Vegas: great in small doses. Have your fun for 48 or 72 hours then get the fark out.

So true! Austin is a BLAST for 2-3, maybe 4 days... and then, just like the Disney parade, it repeats exactly the same as before. Over and over and over and over. As a resident, but not a lifelong native, I want to get out of here so badly. Austin is the only liveable place in all of TX, perhaps the whole south, so I'm stuck until I have the resources to make a BIG jump out.

Sounds like you fit right in there, douchey.


Seriously, its not as great as everyone makes it out to be but theres so much stuff to do here (and much of it close by) that if you aren't having fun, you aren't applying yourself. Winter is really the only time where theres really not much going on. The other 9 months have so much more stuff to do compared to the other cities ive lived in that its not even close.
 
2013-01-09 06:12:35 PM

DrZiffle: Sounds like you fit right in there, douchey.


Sorry to offend you, Cletus!
 
2013-01-09 06:19:58 PM

Trollin4Colon: Seriously, its not as great as everyone makes it out to be but theres so much stuff to do here (and much of it close by) that if you aren't having fun, you aren't applying yourself. Winter is really the only time where theres really not much going on. The other 9 months have so much more stuff to do compared to the other cities ive lived in that its not even close.


And the only reason there's not much going on right now is because the locals actually think this is cold weather! LOL. They need to figure out how to get northerners to come down here for a break from the snow. Locals are wearing farkin PARKAS, and I'm in sweatpants and sandals. The only reason I'm sitting here inside my hermetically sealed bubble, instead of out hiking, is because it's cedar (juniper) season and the very air outside is trying to kill me (Well, it's too muddy too). It was a good first three years, though (you don't get cedar fever for the first 2-3 years).
 
2013-01-09 06:26:54 PM
I wouldn't have given him as much credit as I did if he hadn't brought up Deep Eddy's when he mentioned good Austin dive bars.
 
2013-01-09 06:28:08 PM

Austinoftx: Trollin4Colon: Seriously, its not as great as everyone makes it out to be but theres so much stuff to do here (and much of it close by) that if you aren't having fun, you aren't applying yourself. Winter is really the only time where theres really not much going on. The other 9 months have so much more stuff to do compared to the other cities ive lived in that its not even close.

And the only reason there's not much going on right now is because the locals actually think this is cold weather! LOL. They need to figure out how to get northerners to come down here for a break from the snow. Locals are wearing farkin PARKAS, and I'm in sweatpants and sandals. The only reason I'm sitting here inside my hermetically sealed bubble, instead of out hiking, is because it's cedar (juniper) season and the very air outside is trying to kill me (Well, it's too muddy too). It was a good first three years, though (you don't get cedar fever for the first 2-3 years).


Fair enough, 3 years is more than enough time to figure out if a place is for you or not. Most people I meet who hate it here are usually gone in few months. I don't love it particularly but its better than DFW.
 
2013-01-09 06:40:48 PM

moothemagiccow: sorry dude all bars are douchey


This. +1.
 
2013-01-09 06:50:37 PM
If it wasn't for "The 25..." part - I'd say all of our bars could be on that list.
But I really hate other people, so I would think that.
 
2013-01-09 07:14:52 PM
I usually only go to bars that have large craft beer selections. They usually have crowds that are a lot easier to handle. But then I'm a beer douche, so there's that.
 
2013-01-09 07:20:50 PM
The author of said 'article':

m3.licdn.com

Takes one to know one, you see.
 
2013-01-09 07:31:19 PM

moothemagiccow: sorry dude all bars are douchey


You must be a blast at parties.
 
2013-01-09 08:14:05 PM
I'd rather drink with the "bros" that this guy clearly despises than a group of too cool for the room dickbags.

The NYC article is even worse and just reeks of hipster snobbery. Anyone who whines that much about bros, the bridge-and-tunnel crowd and college students is a farking jerkoff.

I'm sorry that the unwashed masses from Jersey had the audacity to spend money and drink in your favorite establishment. I know that it makes the place seem uncool to your trend-whore hipster friends. Go cry.
 
2013-01-09 08:19:43 PM

pute kisses like a man: Tax Boy: [www.dogandduckpub.com image 500x266]

The Dog and Duck was my local and nowhere near that list or 6th street.

hey, that was my favorite place in austin. pretty much lived there.


Donn's Depot was my second living room when I lived in Austin, but Dog and Duck was where I went for a change.
 
2013-01-09 09:20:55 PM
Logan's would be a great place if they'd get rid of whoever decided to try to turn it into a Warehouse District-style dance club. It's actually got a great layout for a smaller venue for acoustic shows and just hanging out, but the place is almost always empty.

Cheers Shot Bar isn't bad for drinking before a show, so long as you vacate by 9PM. Dollar wells and the place is usually empty.

Dizzy Rooster's staff were assholes. Don't know if they still are since I learned to walk to Red River by going up 7th Street. I'd rather deal with homeless crazies than dudebros.

Only went to Lustre Pearl once, but didn't have a problem. It's trying a bit too hard to be what Spider House was back in the 90s/early 00s, but I don't know they they think it's "douchey".

Coyote Ugly sucks. No ifs ands or buts. Can't speak for the rest, but there was one doorman who was cool. He knew how shiatty the place was and we'd crack jokes about it.

Only time I was at Iron Cactus was at the afterparty for a film screening at SXSW. Since it was all studio people there, you could smell the douchiness from three states away from the clientele alone.

Molotov, I think that opened just as I was about to move away. Never went west of Congress anyway once the Drafthouse moved.

I cannot begin to say how much I hate Chuggin' Monkey. fark Chuggin' Monkey and everyone who gives them money. They refused to let me in because I violated the "dress code" TWICE. First time, it was because I was wearing a hoodie (it was 40 degrees that night and Texans aren't typically known for diverse winter wardrobes). Worse, was that Bad Religion was playing in the club right then. Bad Re-farking-ligion. And you don't want me wearing a hoodie?! Next time was two years later when my date wanted to go because the name was funny. I was wearing a suit and tie, but I was also wearing sneakers. Apparently, sneakers aren't allowed either. My date was fine in her jeans and tank top, though. Basically, I think the dress code is "no fatties".

There's nothing wrong with Friends other than their drink prices.

Don't know why they're listing The Library because I thought that place was shut down with Treasure Island when the owner got busted for dealing five tons of coke and laundering the money through his frat-bars. Did it re-open?

Recess is awesome if you go on an off-night or earlier in the evening. Just don't expect any of the machines to be well maintained.

Wow, they put a sports bar inside a downtown hotel on this list. Seriously? Did anyone expect Champions to NOT be douchey? I mean it's a sports bar. Inside a downtown hotel. What the hell did you expect?

Same thing with Hooters Lite, aka Bikinis. They put a neon sign out front that says "Bikinis". Of course it's going to be filled with douches.

Now, who did they leave off this list? How about "I'm Just Gonna Steal Casino's Idea" aka Jackalope. Bounces are the biggest douchebags on the planet and it's the only bar I know of in Austin that has beers on tap without including Shiner or Lone Star. Yeah, the beer's so bad that I wanted LONE STAR.

Or Beauty Bar aka Hipster Central. Wait, that's probably changed since everyone heard about it. I'm sure everyone goes to that bar east of I-35 that no one's heard of yet. But it has been about a year and a half since I moved so I'm sure none of those places are even any cool anymore because everyone's heard of them. I hope not, though. Anything that keeps hipster douchecocks out of Lovejoy's, Mugshots, Casino el Camino, and off Red River in general.
 
2013-01-09 09:55:38 PM
I like Casino El Camino's food but I hate the people who work there. Also the place could be empty and itll still take a hour to cook your food.Bartenders and waitress's are assholes. I suggest ordering and then going somewhere else.

Beauty Ballroom is only open for events as far as I know, not a actual bar.I went to beauty bar, before it closed, for a Dillinger Escape Plan show. The juxtaposition between the people for the show and the regulars was hilarious. The plaid covered hipsters were not pleased about the people encroaching on their territory, much less the kind of crowd a violent metal show attracts. Had a great time so I guess it was alright?.
 
2013-01-09 10:06:05 PM

Trollin4Colon: I like Casino El Camino's food but I hate the people who work there. Also the place could be empty and itll still take a hour to cook your food.Bartenders and waitress's are assholes. I suggest ordering and then going somewhere else.

Beauty Ballroom is only open for events as far as I know, not a actual bar.I went to beauty bar, before it closed, for a Dillinger Escape Plan show. The juxtaposition between the people for the show and the regulars was hilarious. The plaid covered hipsters were not pleased about the people encroaching on their territory, much less the kind of crowd a violent metal show attracts. Had a great time so I guess it was alright?.


I love the staff at Casino, but I also know them all. Tip well and don't act like an asshole and they're great. Talk to Frap about old horror movies and you'll probably get a free drink. And yeah, it takes a half hour when it's empty to get your food because the burgers are 3/4 lb. That's how long it takes to cook a patty that size unless you like it still ice cold in the middle.

Don't know about Beauty Ballroom and didn't know Beauty Bar closed. Good friggin' riddance. Now if they can just firebomb all the crap north of 8th on Red River, we'd be set.
 
2013-01-09 10:25:16 PM
At least the Longbranch wasn't on there
 
2013-01-09 10:25:51 PM

pion: moothemagiccow: sorry dude all bars are douchey

You must be a blast at parties.


Because I'm not vomiting everywhere? Bars are loud, dark places with shiatty hours, poor service and high prices. Name one thing you could do in a bar you couldn't do anywhere else. See a band play? Watch sports? Listen to a jukebox? No, the winning answer is pay $10 for a $2 drink. Oh wait, you can do that at any sports stadium.
 
2013-01-09 11:22:48 PM

moothemagiccow: Name one thing you could do in a bar you couldn't do anywhere else. See a band play?


Ummm...why ask a question if you're going to answer it yourself right off the bat?
 
2013-01-10 12:02:37 AM
The Dogwood, Chuggin' Monkey, Molotov, and Dizzy Rooster are owned by Brad Womack of The Bachelor if anyone cares
 
2013-01-10 12:36:14 AM
Good god, I only recognised ONE of those from when I lived there. Then again, I moved out in '92, before it got REAL bad...good to see the Spoke on S. Lamar mentioned here in the comments. Heartell that area is shiatsville now, also.
 
2013-01-10 12:43:08 AM

tricycleracer: BafflerMeal: Never been in any of those. Good for me.

I went to a Fado in D.C. a few years back.  It wasn't horrible.


There's a Fado in Denver's LoDo too. I didn't realize it was a chain until just now.
 
2013-01-10 01:10:33 AM

moothemagiccow: pion: moothemagiccow: sorry dude all bars are douchey

You must be a blast at parties.

Because I'm not vomiting everywhere? Bars are loud, dark places with shiatty hours, poor service and high prices. Name one thing you could do in a bar you couldn't do anywhere else. See a band play? Watch sports? Listen to a jukebox? No, the winning answer is pay $10 for a $2 drink. Oh wait, you can do that at any sports stadium.


So, you're pissed that bars are open in the evening? You've never been to a bar with good service? You must not go to restaurants, since you're so against mark-ups. And I've never paid more than $7 for a drink at a bar. Why would anyone want to hang out with someone who doesn't want to go get a drink after 5 pm, antagonizes the service until they stay away, and biatches about paying $5 for a drink? I think my point stands.
 
2013-01-10 07:59:45 AM
When you call your city a "liberal oasis" then you're already a douche
 
2013-01-10 08:24:21 AM
this guy does not seem very happy about life
 
2013-01-10 10:37:36 AM
As a guy who plays in bars every weekend, I can say with conviction: all bars are douchey bars.
 
2013-01-10 11:00:56 AM
Lustre Pearl is annoying with all the hipsters but I have to say being able to get drunk and play ping pong is a blast..

Hooked up with a bartender at Dizzy Rooster so that shiathole has a place in my heart.

Working at the capitol, yea it's easiest to go to Scholtz's and there definitely are douchy political staff people there, but c'mon, it's a classic Austin staple.

Other than that yea most of them can be a little "douchy" but by the amount of bars and places to drink in Austin, theres bound to be a percentage of douchy places. Like others said the east side is more chill (although more hipsters and dudes that dress like 50's greasers..). Try out Shangri La on east or Dirty Bills on the west side of downtown. Or just go to 4th-6th and get drunk and enjoy all the young hotties and quit complaining about other people and have a good ass time. At least it's not Houston!
 
2013-01-10 12:01:32 PM
Pretty accurate. The Library has a nice setup, but it is absolutely lousy with skeezy college dudes trying to mickey the non-observant, and Coyote Ugly has probably the most irresponsible policy a bar can have; it never serves water. Great way to get your patrons dangerously drunk and easy to take advantage of, guys.

There are plenty of better, less expensive, more responsibly run bars on 6ths which the writer doesn't include in this list, and as such I find it pretty decent.
 
2013-01-10 02:31:42 PM

Tat'dGreaser: When you call your city a "liberal oasis" then you're already a douche


When you think being conservative is a good thing, you're already an enormous douche, as well as a shiat sandwich.
 
2013-01-10 02:37:11 PM
Cool River is a freaking steak restaurant! They have steak, lobster, chilean farking sea bass!

If you go there looking for bar scene other than after work happy hour crowd, you are the douche! Including this in the list with something like Chuggin Monkey or Cheers is completely insane. That's like saying "you know what bar really sucks? IHOP! They always mess up my drink order!"
 
2013-01-10 03:19:05 PM

Frlop: Cool River is a freaking steak restaurant! They have steak, lobster, chilean farking sea bass!


it's a block south of Palmer too. That's so far north as to be NOT AUSTIN for all practical purposes. I think the city limits is 2 or 3 blocks north of Palmer.

/north of 183 is just boring 'burbs anyhow and Austin lite.
//lived north of 183. yawn, but cheap and newish.
 
2013-01-10 04:44:43 PM

bmfderek: pute kisses like a man: Tax Boy: [www.dogandduckpub.com image 500x266]

The Dog and Duck was my local and nowhere near that list or 6th street.

hey, that was my favorite place in austin. pretty much lived there.

Donn's Depot was my second living room when I lived in Austin, but Dog and Duck was where I went for a change.


i don't remember if i remember that place, but I remember the name, and I'm sure i've been there.

there was another place on south 5th (maybe south lamar) that had a million types of beers and air hockey. GSM? it was some kind of acronym.

i liked the dog and duck because they had good beers on tap and i become friends with all the bartenders (like real friends, we did stuff outside of the bar). plus, they had darts.

but, when the wife and i wanted to hipster out (which, though I am about as hip as a euthanized pitbull, sometimes you just want to go get nervous and there's no better place in the world to feel out of place than austin) there was the longbranch inn and a few other east side joints, they'd play music you could dance to. and people would dance, so my breadstick style of dance could go more or less unnoticed.

went back to austin recently and it was depressing. everyone was mean (even the hipsters! they used to be afraid of their own shadows, but not now, now they'll go and say shiat things when you pass by -- entitled farkers). and, worst of all, if you weren't eating tacos, the food sucks. not a decent chef in town. some great cooks, but not a decent restaurant. regardless, the waiters drop the pretentious bomb on you like it's the 90s and you're wearing a mink coat.

/ although, i think i lost my zeal for austin by moving to new orleans and finding all the things i wanted in a city. educated, intelligent people that are not pretentious and like to do good in the community, know how to hold a conversation, want to actually share their knowledge, not lord it over you, and don't mind drinking too much (just, stay away from the aristocratic class, and don't ever enter the drug trade). oh yeah, and you can show up just about anywhere in either a tuxedo or your underwear and be accepted equally.  plus, i'm much more of a liquor person than a beer person, so a bourbon and cocktail town is better suited to my palate than a beer and mixed drink town.
 
2013-01-10 05:16:33 PM

Tat'dGreaser: When you call your city a "liberal oasis" then you're already a douche


"Liberal oasis" is what everyone calls Austin. We're compared to Berkley, CA and Madison, WI. But step outside the city border and you're already in Rattlesnake Gulch, NV or Lancaster, AL or Jesus Word Amen, AR. Well, once you get past the accretion disk of mcmansions swirling dangerously around the metro region.
 
2013-01-10 09:55:27 PM

DrZiffle: Oh I wish I was in Austin,
At the Chili Parlor Bar
Drinkin' Mad Dog margaritas
and not caring where you are.


Nice one.

Twenty years of working in the bars of this town, and I'd agree with about 20 of the 25. I've also worked at or hung out after hours at about 20 of them. There are a shiat-ton of bars in Austin, and you argue another 50 for being on some sort of "douchiest" list. The fun part is figuring out what kind of douches: Hipsters, Preppy college kids, Steiner Ranch/Westlake/Bee Caves nuvo-riche, Frat-boy/So-Hos, Smelly Hippies, Militant Cyclists, cranky old rednecks, biatchy Queens, neckbeard beer/wine/cocktail snobs, star-f*ckers, or woo-girl soccer moms...

/I drink alnoe...
 
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