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(Science Blogs)   Theorizing that one could teleport software within his own brain, Doctor Sam Beckett led an elite group of scientists into CES Booth 35853 to market a top secret project, known as QuantumMAN   (scienceblogs.com) divider line 41
    More: Unlikely, QuantumMAN, Ces, The Matrix, Deepak Chopra, quacks, pseudosciences, gastric bypass surgery, product design  
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3157 clicks; posted to Geek » on 08 Jan 2013 at 3:07 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



41 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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2013-01-08 12:05:57 PM  
Oh boy!
 
2013-01-08 12:08:24 PM  
"The entire universe including the human body and maladies that afflict it operates on the principles of quantum mechanics. Chemical based treatment systems do not operate according to those princicples [sic] and, as such, are not compatible with human physiology as evidenced by their adverse side-effects."

When science zigs, you ZAG.
 
vpb [TotalFark]
2013-01-08 12:13:14 PM  
 but in actuality most people who fall for alt-med are no more gullible than average.

I doubt this.
 
2013-01-08 01:28:46 PM  
Is it compatible with my tinfoil pyramid?
 
2013-01-08 01:46:19 PM  

Ghastly: Is it compatible with my tinfoil pyramid?


No. You'll have to upgrade to a gold foil cube.
 
2013-01-08 02:07:06 PM  

Tr0mBoNe: Ghastly: Is it compatible with my tinfoil pyramid?

No. You'll have to upgrade to a gold foil cube.


I don't know if I'll be able to get the hang of the 4 simultaneous 24 hour days.
 
2013-01-08 02:35:46 PM  
Homeopathy works off of quantum entanglement? My GOD it all makes sense now.

/no dumber than midichlorians
 
2013-01-08 02:53:38 PM  
Unfortunately, he will never return home.
 
2013-01-08 03:17:05 PM  

LordOfThePings: "The entire universe including the human body and maladies that afflict it operates on the principles of quantum mechanics. Chemical based treatment systems do not operate according to those princicples [sic] and, as such, are not compatible with human physiology as evidenced by their adverse side-effects."

When science zigs, you ZAG.


I basically assume that anyone who says "quantum mechanics" has no idea what they're talking about. This includes physicists too, but they agree with me.
 
2013-01-08 03:24:09 PM  
Holy crap, maybe I am already QuantumMAN!?  Has my life and the world around it suddenly turned into a Philip K. Dick story?
 
2013-01-08 03:24:26 PM  
call me when someone figures out how to biologically encode BASIC for a human OS, then we can talk about all the tinfoil in china for all i care
 
2013-01-08 03:26:45 PM  
It was right next to the climate change booth, I shiat you not.
 
2013-01-08 03:26:47 PM  

MadMonk: Holy crap, maybe I am already QuantumMAN!?  Has my life and the world around it suddenly turned into a Philip K. Dick story?


Read "Quarantine" by Greg Egan; it's fun.

(That being said, it's probably his most scientifically inaccurate book. The man is a freaking genius, however, so even his most inaccurate book is still pretty good. Permutation City is awesome too. And the short story The Planck Dive, which is available free online.)
 
2013-01-08 03:27:01 PM  
www.quantumleap-alsplace.com
 
2013-01-08 03:44:58 PM  
However, the universe including the human body and conditions that afflict it all operates according to the principles of quantum physics. Chemical based treatment systems do not operate according to those principles and, as such, are not compatible with the human host as evidenced by their toxicity.

The universe operates according to quantum physics, but not chemical based treatment systems... right...
 
2013-01-08 03:46:21 PM  
QLax™ (Quantum Laxative)
Radical new technology yields quantum laxative that obsoletes conventional laxatives.


Aw, blow it out your ass.
 
2013-01-08 04:01:33 PM  
The only problem is that it's tied to always-on DRM. So if your Internet cuts out, boom, brain cancer.
 
2013-01-08 04:02:11 PM  

Ghastly: Tr0mBoNe: Ghastly: Is it compatible with my tinfoil pyramid?

No. You'll have to upgrade to a gold foil cube.

I don't know if I'll be able to get the hang of the 4 simultaneous 24 hour days.


4 hangovers in one 24 hour Sunday? Duck that for a game of soldiers.
 
2013-01-08 04:03:37 PM  

Theaetetus: QLax™ (Quantum Laxative)
Radical new technology yields quantum laxative that obsoletes conventional laxatives.

Aw, blow it out your ass.


Does it, like, set the spin of my poop atoms to facilitate rapid disentaglement? Woah.
 
2013-01-08 04:16:55 PM  
"The entire universe including the human body and maladies that afflict it operates on the principles of quantum mechanics. Chemical based treatment systems do not operate according to those princicples"

You gotta love it when these quacks can't even make their bullshiat internally consistent.
 
2013-01-08 04:25:20 PM  

Egoy3k: "The entire universe including the human body and maladies that afflict it operates on the principles of quantum mechanics. Chemical based treatment systems do not operate according to those princicples"

You gotta love it when these quacks can't even make their bullshiat internally consistent.


The whole sight is so terribly written that I'm sure it was done on purpose. I mean, they have to know they're running a scam, since they're not really delivering anything. They probably want only the most gullible, as less gullible people may try it out and realize it doesn't work.
 
2013-01-08 04:47:01 PM  
This has to be a hoax site, right, like Villain Supply?
 
2013-01-08 04:49:37 PM  
If you want to read something more coherent from Sam Beckett:

Given the existence as uttered forth in the public works of Puncher and Wattmann of a personal God quaquaquaqua with white beard quaquaquaqua outside time without extension who from the heights of divine apathia divine athambia divine aphasia loves us dearly with some exceptions for reasons unknown but time will tell and suffers like the divine Miranda with those who for reasons unknown but time will tell are plunged in torment plunged in fire whose fire flames if that continues and who can doubt it will fire the firmament that is to say blast hell to heaven so blue still and calm so calm with a calm which even though intermittent is better than nothing but not so fast and considering what is more that as a result of the labors left unfinished crowned by the Acacacacademy of Anthropopopometry of Essy-in-Possy of Testew and Cunard it is established beyond all doubt all other doubt than that which clings to the labors of men that as a result of the labors unfinished of Testew and Cunnard it is established as hereinafter but not so fast for reasons unknown that as a result of the public works of Puncher and Wattmann it is established beyond all doubt that in view of the labors of Fartov and Belcher left unfinished for reasons unknown of Testew and Cunard left unfinished it is established what many deny that man in Possy of Testew and Cunard that man in Essy that man in short that man in brief in spite of the strides of alimentation and defecation wastes and pines wastes and pines and concurrently simultaneously what is more for reasons unknown in spite of the strides of physical culture the practice of sports such as tennis football running cycling swimming flying floating riding gliding conating camogie skating tennis of all kinds dying flying sports of all sorts autumn summer winter winter tennis of all kinds hockey of all sorts penicillin and succedanea in a word I resume flying gliding golf over nine and eighteen holes tennis of all sorts in a word for reasons unknown in Feckham Peckham Fulham Clapham namely concurrently simultaneously what is more for reasons unknown but time will tell fades away I resume Fulham Clapham in a word the dead loss per head since the death of Bishop Berkeley being to the tune of one inch four ounce per head approximately by and large more or less to the nearest decimal good measure round figures stark naked in the stockinged feet in Connemara in a word for reasons unknown no matter what matter the facts are there and considering what is more much more grave that in the light of the labors lost of Steinweg and Peterman it appears what is more much more grave that in the light the light the light of the labors lost of Steinweg and Peterman that in the plains in the mountains by the seas by the rivers running water running fire the air is the same and then the earth namely the air and then the earth in the great cold the great dark the air and the earth abode of stones in the great cold alas alas in the year of their Lord six hundred and something the air the earth the sea the earth abode of stones in the great deeps the great cold on sea on land and in the air I resume for reasons unknown in spite of the tennis the facts are there but time will tell I resume alas alas on on in short in fine on on abode of stones who can doubt it I resume but not so fast I resume the skull fading fading fading and concurrently simultaneously what is more for reasons unknown in spite of the tennis on on the beard the flames the tears the stones so blue so calm alas alas on on the skull the skull the skull the skull in Connemara in spite of the tennis the labors abandoned left unfinished graver still abode of stones in a word I resume alas alas abandoned unfinished the skull the skull in Connemara in spite of the tennis the skull alas the stones Cunard
 
2013-01-08 05:13:10 PM  

SevenizGud: It was right next to the climate change booth, I shiat you not.


Isn't it great how people say climate change is a hoax, but will believe this shiat and that the world would end in 2012.
 
2013-01-08 05:34:34 PM  

Ghastly: Tr0mBoNe: Ghastly: Is it compatible with my tinfoil pyramid?

No. You'll have to upgrade to a gold foil cube.

I don't know if I'll be able to get the hang of the 4 simultaneous 24 hour days.


What about Thursdays?
 
2013-01-08 05:46:07 PM  

Lord Dimwit: LordOfThePings: "The entire universe including the human body and maladies that afflict it operates on the principles of quantum mechanics. Chemical based treatment systems do not operate according to those princicples [sic] and, as such, are not compatible with human physiology as evidenced by their adverse side-effects."

When science zigs, you ZAG.

I basically assume that anyone who says "quantum mechanics" has no idea what they're talking about. This includes physicists too, but they agree with me.


Richard Feynman famously said, "If you think you understand quantum mechanics, you don't."

Nobel Prize winning Steven Weinberg: "I think he's right. There's something deeply disturbing about any of the various candidate interpretations of quantum mechanics, and I think what may be required is a new rethinking of quantum mechanics, but I'm getting nowhere so far."
 
2013-01-08 05:53:51 PM  

Phil Ken Sebben: Ghastly: Tr0mBoNe: Ghastly: Is it compatible with my tinfoil pyramid?

No. You'll have to upgrade to a gold foil cube.

I don't know if I'll be able to get the hang of the 4 simultaneous 24 hour days.

What about Thursdays?


I can't speak for him, but I never could get the hang of Thursdays.

From TFA:
"I'd love to hear a report of what sort of goodies ZAG has for CES attendees. It's Booth 35853. I want pictures. I want reports."

I'm not at CES, but the show maps say it's on the upper level of South Hall, (S4). Can anyone help Orac out?

i.imgur.com

Because if Eddy's in the space-time continnum, we're gonna need more cubes.
 
2013-01-08 06:12:49 PM  

lake_huron: If you want to read something more coherent from Sam Beckett:

Given the existence as uttered forth in the public works of Puncher and Wattmann of a personal God quaquaquaqua with white beard quaquaquaqua outside time without extension who from the heights of divine apathia divine athambia divine aphasia loves us dearly with some exceptions for reasons unknown but time will tell and suffers like the divine Miranda with those who for reasons unknown but time will tell are plunged in torment plunged in fire whose fire flames if that continues and who can doubt it will fire the firmament that is to say blast hell to heaven so blue still and calm so calm with a calm which even though intermittent is better than nothing but not so fast and considering what is more that as a result of the labors left unfinished crowned by the Acacacacademy of Anthropopopometry of Essy-in-Possy of Testew and Cunard it is established beyond all doubt all other doubt than that which clings to the labors of men that as a result of the labors unfinished of Testew and Cunnard it is established as hereinafter but not so fast for reasons unknown that as a result of the public works of Puncher and Wattmann it is established beyond all doubt that in view of the labors of Fartov and Belcher left unfinished for reasons unknown of Testew and Cunard left unfinished it is established what many deny that man in Possy of Testew and Cunard that man in Essy that man in short that man in brief in spite of the strides of alimentation and defecation wastes and pines wastes and pines and concurrently simultaneously what is more for reasons unknown in spite of the strides of physical culture the practice of sports such as tennis football running cycling swimming flying floating riding gliding conating camogie skating tennis of all kinds dying flying sports of all sorts autumn summer winter winter tennis of all kinds hockey of all sorts penicillin and succedanea in a word I resume flying gliding golf over nine an ...


Lucky's speech. Brilliant stuff. I used it to test COBOL compilers back in the day.
 
2013-01-08 06:16:10 PM  
Yes, but did he teleport Krapp's last tape? Is he going to just teleport to Godot and end all that incessant waiting? The literary possibilities are endless!
 
2013-01-08 06:30:03 PM  

Phil Ken Sebben: Ghastly: Tr0mBoNe: Ghastly: Is it compatible with my tinfoil pyramid?

No. You'll have to upgrade to a gold foil cube.

I don't know if I'll be able to get the hang of the 4 simultaneous 24 hour days.

What about Thursdays?


Blasphemy!
/handle says it all:)
 
2013-01-08 06:31:48 PM  
I tried Quantumman once, it turned me into a newt.

/I got better.
 
2013-01-08 07:07:37 PM  
I used it to test COBOL compilers back in the day.

What? I mean, how? Why? I can't even fathom the connection. Do explain.

/Never programmed in COBOL, only BASIC, Fortran-77, too much PASCAL, some C, and lots of awk
//awk counts, doesn't it?

/BTW, my handle was LazarusLong on a BBS in 1986, stop stealing my handle!
 
2013-01-08 07:08:47 PM  
Wait, Tillmaster != LazarusLong42

Sorry, guys.
 
2013-01-08 07:35:49 PM  

lake_huron: I used it to test COBOL compilers back in the day.

What? I mean, how? Why? I can't even fathom the connection. Do explain.

/Never programmed in COBOL, only BASIC, Fortran-77, too much PASCAL, some C, and lots of awk
//awk counts, doesn't it?

/BTW, my handle was LazarusLong on a BBS in 1986, stop stealing my handle!


Heh... I was 8.
 
2013-01-08 07:50:51 PM  
FFFFFFFFFFFF.

Anger. Rising.
 
2013-01-08 10:33:15 PM  

lake_huron: I used it to test COBOL compilers back in the day.

What? I mean, how? Why? I can't even fathom the connection. Do explain.

/Never programmed in COBOL, only BASIC, Fortran-77, too much PASCAL, some C, and lots of awk
//awk counts, doesn't it?

/BTW, my handle was LazarusLong on a BBS in 1986, stop stealing my handle!


Back in the day, one of our compiler tests was to throw a totally irrelevant text file at the compiler, to ensure that it didn't crash, and to diagnose the parsing algorithm by inspection of the ensuing error messages. A colleague used to favour the Second Book of Kings - I preferred Lucky's speech.
Algol compilers tended to get very confused. COBOL less so.
 
2013-01-08 10:52:53 PM  

Tillmaster: lake_huron: I used it to test COBOL compilers back in the day.

What? I mean, how? Why? I can't even fathom the connection. Do explain.

/Never programmed in COBOL, only BASIC, Fortran-77, too much PASCAL, some C, and lots of awk
//awk counts, doesn't it?

/BTW, my handle was LazarusLong on a BBS in 1986, stop stealing my handle!

Back in the day, one of our compiler tests was to throw a totally irrelevant text file at the compiler, to ensure that it didn't crash, and to diagnose the parsing algorithm by inspection of the ensuing error messages. A colleague used to favour the Second Book of Kings - I preferred Lucky's speech.
Algol compilers tended to get very confused. COBOL less so.


That's because the Second Book of Kings is shorter than essentially all COBOL programs.

/ write compilers for a living, and for fun!
// getting a kick, etc
 
2013-01-08 11:22:24 PM  
24.media.tumblr.com

Dr. Beckett at work.
 
2013-01-09 01:11:36 AM  
'

/so we'll live forever?
 
2013-01-09 07:49:56 AM  
"Doctor" Sam Becket??

Is that anything like "University" of Phoenix?
 
2013-01-09 11:33:21 AM  

Lord Dimwit: / write compilers for a living, and for fun!


Writes compilers for fun?

/head asplode
 
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