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(Fark)   Subby just found out he is going to be a father today. What sage advice/snark do you have for the future dad?   ( divider line
    More: Spiffy  
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2317 clicks; posted to Main » on 07 Jan 2013 at 9:28 PM (5 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2013-01-07 06:29:56 PM  
14 votes:
You're going to be a father today? That's pretty short notice.
2013-01-07 06:40:14 PM  
10 votes:
You come here for advice...?

You're going to be a terrible father.
2013-01-07 06:32:02 PM  
10 votes:
Don't smell the umbilical cord stump.  Trust me on this.
2013-01-07 06:33:20 PM  
7 votes:
Who found out first, you or Maury?
2013-01-07 10:00:21 PM  
6 votes:
img.photobucket.comView Full Size

img.photobucket.comView Full Size
2013-01-07 07:06:01 PM  
6 votes:
As tempting as it is, DO NOT keep pushing on that soft spot.
2013-01-07 06:32:22 PM  
6 votes:
I hope you find the priesthood very rewarding.
2013-01-08 09:29:08 AM  
4 votes:
When he's eight years old and accidentally sets fire to the living room rug... go easy on him.
2013-01-07 09:55:23 PM  
4 votes:
Just say you're going out to get a pack of smokes.
2013-01-07 06:31:47 PM  
4 votes:
Keep her off the pole.
2013-01-07 06:30:25 PM  
4 votes:
Your kid is going to kill a bunch of people in a theater.

And that is all on you, amigo.

You f*cked up.
2013-01-07 10:18:26 PM  
3 votes:
Sage Advice:

sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.netView Full Size

/Hotlinked like a mofo.
2013-01-07 09:46:23 PM  
3 votes:
You will always be one ill-advised meth binge away from becoming the subject of a FARK headline for the second time in your life.
2013-01-07 09:44:08 PM  
3 votes:
wwwimage.cbsstatic.comView Full Size
2013-01-07 06:46:51 PM  
3 votes:
Don't forget to eat the placenta!!
2013-01-07 06:42:33 PM  
3 votes:
sage is overrated.  use less of it in your dressing.
2013-01-07 06:40:32 PM  
3 votes:
Don't get too irritated at people saying "I bet it'll be a boy" or "I bet you're having a girl."  That's just what they do.

I even had one person say "I bet it'll be a hermaphrodite."  I just smiled weakly and said "thanks a lot, mom."
2013-01-07 06:36:50 PM  
3 votes:
Feed it french fries from McDonalds every day during its first few months and gradually get him used to eating cheeseburgers. Wait until he's at least five or six before his first tattoo.
2013-01-07 06:36:03 PM  
3 votes:

Professor Wormbog: it sure takes a load off MY chest.

Who shot their load on your chest?
2013-01-07 06:29:55 PM  
3 votes:
blood test ...

/no, congrats
2013-01-08 11:51:53 AM  
2 votes:

Donnchadha: dj_spanmaster: When he's eight years old and accidentally sets fire to the living room rug... go easy on him.

That's heavy, man...

Weight has nothing to do with it.
2013-01-07 10:28:19 PM  
2 votes:
Sleep NOW!
traemcneely.comView Full Size
2013-01-07 10:28:13 PM  
2 votes:
Don't let your stepbrother raise him/her on some desert shiathole. That will only end badly. Full Size
2013-01-07 10:16:04 PM  
2 votes:
wired.comView Full Size
2013-01-07 10:03:11 PM  
2 votes:
1 medium baby
3 shallots, finely minced
1 cup sherry
4 cloves garlic, peeled and smashed
6 strips of bacon
lemon and thyme to taste
2013-01-07 09:48:20 PM  
2 votes:
People won't admit it, but babies are welcome everywhere. The movies, restaurants, strip clubs.
2013-01-07 09:35:08 PM  
2 votes:
imgs.xkcd.comView Full Size
2013-01-07 07:21:52 PM  
2 votes:

TheSignPost: Dude, when they start to eat real food, anything besides milk..... oh man, the poop is terrible.


Remember Silence of the Lambs?  Where she has this stuff in her bag that's probably ultra-strong Vicks Vaporub or something similar that she rubs under her nose to quell the stench from the corpse?

You need some of that.

Weird, I got Iron Stomach as a class feature. The only time I've puked in the last nine years was when I reacted really bad to some meds.

And I've had my daughter barf in my mouth (by accident). And one time she sneezed when I was changing her and poop went all over. Some... uh, some went in. :(

Oh, so there's some advice. Keep your mouth closed.
2013-01-07 07:21:04 PM  
2 votes:
Do not have sex with the baby.
2013-01-07 07:11:59 PM  
2 votes:

sgt cyanide: Ponzholio: As tempting as it is, DO NOT keep pushing on that soft spot.

the place where my soft spot was still feels funny. if i pull hair out from it it hurts in a different way. sometimes i just poke it with my fingernail or run my nail back and forth along it.

can anyone else still feel their soft spot like that? the people ive asked think its weird

DAMMIT! My coworker just walked by as I was feeling the top of my head...
2013-01-07 06:41:56 PM  
2 votes:
that's so weird, because i was definitely thinking you probably SHOULD smell the umbilical cord stump. i mean it just sounds so tempting, how could you not?
2013-01-07 06:37:48 PM  
2 votes:
The trick to parenthood is redundancy. You'll definitely screw the first one up and possibly the second, so you'll need to have at least two more.
2013-01-07 06:36:19 PM  
2 votes:
Have you told the mother yet? Or might it not be hers?
2013-01-07 06:34:45 PM  
2 votes:
it sure takes a load off MY chest.
2013-01-07 06:31:10 PM  
2 votes:
If she has waited nine months to tell you, your in for a rough ride.
2013-01-08 09:27:30 PM  
1 vote:
Go to the store for cigarettes and ice cream. Don't return. Start a new life. Wear a condom from now on.
2013-01-08 08:03:33 PM  
1 vote:
But are you ready for children????

Test 1: Preparation

Women: To prepare for pregnancy

1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.
3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children:-

1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2: Knowledge

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour.

Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3: Nights

To discover how the nights will feel:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.

Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4: Dressing Small Children

1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hangout.

Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

Test 5: Cars

1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6: Going For a Walk

1. Wait.
2. Go out the front door.
3. Come back in again.
4. Go out.
5. Come back in again.
6. Go out again.
7. Walk down the front path.
8. Walk back up it.
9. Walk down it again.
10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
11. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
12. Retrace your steps.
13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
14. Give up and go back into the house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7: Conversations with children

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8: Grocery Shopping

1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9: Feeding a 1 year-old

1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

Test 10: TV

1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11: Mess

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor and proceed with step 5.
5. Drag randomly items from one room to another room & leave them there.

Test 12: Long Trips with Toddlers

1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each 'Mummy'. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13: Conversations

1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Test 14: Getting ready for work

1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
4. Stir
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work

You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!!
(credit: ou-decide-to-have-kids)
2013-01-08 01:02:25 PM  
1 vote:
Shortly after I got married, my grandfather's wife (no, she's not my grandmother) decided to purchase a baby book for my wife and I. You know, despite the fact that we told the family that we weren't planning on having any kids for at least a couple of years. The book is from 1979, and full of hilarious inaccuracies.  Some things can be excused just because it is so old; for example, yes, we do have a chicken pox vaccine now, so I can forgive the book for claiming that there's nothing you can really do when you kid gets chicken pox.  Other things, however, are just fantastically wrong:

Here's how to get in touch with and gain "unconscious body knowledge" of your unborn child:
s13.postimage.orgView Full Size

If your child has something in their eye, here's how to stick something sharp near your kid's eyes so you can roll back their eyelid to can see if there's anything in there:
s2.postimage.orgView Full Size

Here's how to give your baby CPR.  You know, just in case you wanted to cave in their chest cavity. Your kid didn't need those lungs.
s2.postimage.orgView Full Size

And my favorite: here's how to tell if you child might be psychic. Psychic!
s14.postimage.orgView Full Size
2013-01-08 09:30:39 AM  
1 vote:

If its a boy, you only have to worry about one dick, if its a girl, you have to worry about every other dick in the world.
2013-01-08 07:44:14 AM  
1 vote:
The diaper goes on the bottom half
2013-01-08 01:53:23 AM  
1 vote:
Signing Time as soon as they hit 2.5-3 years. Watch it with `em so that if they choose to sign, it doesn't fall on deaf ears. (Blind eyes?) It won't change the times they're too cranky to let you know what they want (PROTIP: they have no clue), but it's great for all the times when they're in a decent mood.

As soon as you can justifiably leave them with someone else for 90 minutes, YOU GO OUT ONCE A WEEK LIKE CLOCKWORK AND NEVER SKIP IT BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO TIRED. Being away from a needy, uncommunicative responsibility and having adult conversations with people whose asses you need not wipe will always recharge your batteries.
2013-01-08 01:16:39 AM  
1 vote:
Buy the brand name condoms in the future.
2013-01-08 01:08:20 AM  
1 vote:

gunsmack: When changing a boy, put a washcloth on it or he will pee all over you and everything else.

While laughing with gusto.

Achievement unlocked!
2013-01-08 12:46:26 AM  
1 vote:
Here's my list in no particular order.

Growth Spurts: They happen in cycles. You can tell because you kids suddenly eats you out of house and home and is constantly tired. Just go with it. Feed them as much nutritious food as you can (esp protein!) and keep things calm and easy at home while they are going through what is basically constant sleep deprivation. This happens until the leave home so just be aware.

Sleep: Even into elementary school kids need between 10-12hrs. Everyone is different though. If your kid is happy and handles disappointment well, they're probably getting enough sleep. If they're easily frustrated, prone to tears, and can't handle basic stuff (No, you can't watch tv until 10pm.) they need more sleep.

Apologize: Kids can figure out pretty quickly if you just got after them for something dumb. You're tired, you misunderstood something, whatever. It happens from time to time. Don't be afraid to say you're sorry. It's not weakness, it's called not being an asshole.

Become a behaviorologist: I scared the every loving heck out of my parents as a baby. I had been playing quietly that day. A little more low key than usual, but still up and about and having fun. Until they felt my forehead and realized I had a raging fever and was actually very sick. If your kid suddenly starts acting different than normal, check into it, regardless of how innocent it seems.

Keep them alive: Seems silly until you realize kids have a knack for trying to kill themselves. Whether it's sticking things in electrical outlets, eating pretty colored things, suddenly and completely inexplicable dashing in front of a car, or chugging a bottle of nyquil because hey why not? There is no end to the amount of life threatening activities kids will suddenly decide to engage in for no particular reason. This happens all the way into their 20's. Try to head them off at the pass as best you can.

Light speed has nothing on baby speed: More than one parent has had a heart attack because junior was suddenly "just here a second ago!" If you're not in a place where you can safely leave them to go to the bathroom, keep your eye on them! If you're in public, hold hands.

Become a Prepper: Well, for kids that is. Keep all necessary medication, tools and other items in the house at all times. Kids have a knack for getting hurt or coming down with the sick once all the stores and doctors are closed. Having a thermometer, infant tylenol, pedialyte, ace bandage, bandaids and such on hand is a huge help. Save your sick days, you'll need them for your kids...and then yourself after your kids are well. Keep extra food on hand for those evenings where your kid can suddenly eat more than you can. And...yes it sounds silly, extra large clothes on hand as well. One day they'll be getting dressed and all of a sudden their clothes don't fit. Literally, they can't move their arms or button their pants. Having some pjs and a day outfit or two on hand will get you to the next shopping trip.

And last but not least...

Results matter: If your kid is developing into a nice and decent human being, you're doing it right. If your kid is developing into a self-centered unfeeling asshole, you're doing it wrong. It doesn't matter if you're following every "child raising" book out there. It doesn't matter if you're doing everything that worked for *you* as a kid. If your kid isn't developing into a decent human being, you need to change what you're doing. And you need to keep doing it until you find what works for this particular child (everyone is different, if you have a second child you are right back at square one.)

And don't let your personal beliefs on what constitutes "proper discipline" get in the way of effectively parenting your child. If you need to, change those beliefs.

If you've exhausted your repertoire and still haven't had any luck, don't be afraid to get professional help. Hopefully your kid doesn't have a mental disorder, but who knows?

********************************************************************* * ********************************************************************** ****

Enjoy it! You are about to have one of the most fun, insane, drive you crazy (in both good and bad ways) time of your life! ;)

/best wishes to you and the new family! :)
2013-01-08 12:38:04 AM  
1 vote:
I have two kids - my daughter is 4, my son is 3. Daughter was planned (IVF) and son arrived 15.5 months later (natural). They're about the same size, same eyes, quite different otherwise. It's a fantastic feeling to have em yell "Daddy" and give me the leg-hug when I pick them up from daycare. Congratulations on joining the party!

Advice (trying not to repeat here)

1. Sleep while you can.
2. Take care of yourself and wife/gf/so during pregnancy.
3. Birth plans can occasionally go out the window. My wife didn't want an epidural when giving birth to our daughter, but she was induced and when her water broke, it was like going from 0-200 MPH. She asked for the epidural, actually fell asleep during a lot of active labor, woke up and 30 mins later we were parents. At first she thought she'd failed somehow, but realized that the epidural probably helped her relax and avoid the emergency c-section. However, when our son came along, wife had pre-eclampsia bad enough to threaten the baby, so son was born at 28 weeks and spent two months in the NICU. Not the way we wanted him to come into the world, but now he's doing fine and weighs more than his sister does.
4. You can never have too many burp cloths.
5. Take pictures and video, back them up, but live in the moment too. Example - we got our daughter's first roll-over on video. I had the camera on and pointed at her, but I was watching her rather than the viewfinder. Much better experience, and we have it on video, too.
6. Baby gas-x, teething tablets, baby tylenol. If you use these, buy more before you run out to avoid those 3 am trips to CVS, Walgreen's, etc. Same goes for diapers and wipes.
7. Breastfeeding is awesome. Some moms can do it, some can't, don't judge. Formula farts suck. Son was on a special brand due to the premature birth. You would not believe the eye-watering, room-clearing farts that came out of that boy.
8. When it's solid food time, make your own if you can. There are books on the subject and as long as you have a blender, food processor or food mill, it's easy to pulverize food, then either serve or freeze for later Costs less and is much more nutritious than the jarred stuff.
9. Be firm, be fair, and don't be afraid to change activities and do something silly if everybody's crabby. There aren't a lot of sounds that are more fun than giggling toddlers.
10. Read to your kids every day. There are plenty of good book suggestions by others in this thread.
11. My daughter was a pee fountain during diaper changes. My son never peed on me, probably because I followed the maxim of positioning the baby and myself to avoid such things, then treating him as if he was loaded and ready to go off at any second. In other words, duck, change fast, breathe easy.
12. Enjoy being a parent. Best job ever.
2013-01-08 12:32:52 AM  
1 vote:

katerbug72: Last night he slept on the couch and then crawled in with us at four. Tonight he's sleeping on his little sofa bed on the living room floor. I put him in his bed tonight and he got up ten minutes later and went back on the couch, fell off onto his sofa bed and stayed there. Someday, I hope he sleeps in his own bed all night.

Our son did the same stuff. Right about the time he started hating naps, actually. We tried a few things, but the only thing that worked was really physical play to exhaust him. It got us over the sleep hump, anyway. Maybe it's a boy thing, but he sleeps like a champ when we run him ragged every evening. I schedule at least a half hour for light saber battles every evening. The kid is getting pretty good.
2013-01-08 12:10:21 AM  
1 vote:
Go to bed now and don't wake up until she goes into labor. You're not going to sleep for the first year, so stock up now.
/Became father in March 2011, didn't get a full night's sleep until Feb 2012
//Congrats! It's the best thing that will ever happen to you.
2013-01-07 11:03:07 PM  
1 vote:
Sleep when the baby sleeps. Hahahahaha, just kidding. That never works. But seriously, don't hit your kid.
2013-01-07 10:47:08 PM  
1 vote:
Even babies have a way of letting you know how they are feeling...

i417.photobucket.comView Full Size
2013-01-07 10:32:46 PM  
1 vote:
Keep them away from the nude Olympics in Australia.
2013-01-07 10:22:42 PM  
1 vote:
I can't add any sage 'advice' per se, but you should definitely add some to the umbilical cord stump prior to smelling and subsequently making a soup from it.
2013-01-07 10:01:11 PM  
1 vote:
Don't sell it to the first guy who comes along. Play the market a bit, wait for the right offer. People will pay a lot for a white kid, so don't let them nickle and dime you about little nicks and scratches.
2013-01-07 09:59:30 PM  
1 vote:
Use it as an attempt to get attention in a news aggregate discussion thread.
2013-01-07 09:59:08 PM  
1 vote:

Flatulent_Flea: They're all cute 'n stuff until they wreck the car.

*That* is why I never let babies drive my car. Their depth perception and basic motor skills are poor.
2013-01-07 09:56:05 PM  
1 vote:
Never play "Flying Baby" within an hour of feeding time.
2013-01-07 09:53:26 PM  
1 vote:
Not gonna sugar coat it - at first it's hell. Of course there's those precious Hallmark moments, but for the most part its piss, shiat, puke, slimy baby food everywhere, quick nap, repeat. So its a lot like a weekend with your mom.
2013-01-07 09:44:01 PM  
1 vote:
Do not let the kid on an airplane for a few years. The rest of us will thank you in advance.
2013-01-07 09:38:52 PM  
1 vote:
Try not to be late with child support - they really don't like that.
2013-01-07 09:36:59 PM  
1 vote:
Sell it on ebay.
2013-01-07 09:36:18 PM  
1 vote:
Don't put baby in a corner.
2013-01-07 09:34:21 PM  
1 vote:
Pull out next time.
2013-01-07 09:34:01 PM  
1 vote:
Don't ask for advice from childless farkers.
2013-01-07 09:33:28 PM  
1 vote:
scottystarnes.files.wordpress.comView Full Size
2013-01-07 09:31:33 PM  
1 vote:
Oh, and I'm available for babysitting when she turns 16
2013-01-07 09:31:11 PM  
1 vote:
Start drinking heavily.
2013-01-07 09:16:27 PM  
1 vote:

Rev.K: Sleep. Sleep now because you will never again know the luxury of going to bed whenever you want.


also, the first poop is black as tar and sqeezes out like toothpaste
2013-01-07 09:00:48 PM  
1 vote:

sgt cyanide: Ponzholio: Oh... Well, I guess I'll have to clarify it was a miscommunication with HR tomorrow...


I found two Skittles.
2013-01-07 07:40:11 PM  
1 vote:
you're getting ready to spend $250k over the next 17 yrs.

2013-01-07 07:12:38 PM  
1 vote:

Ponzholio: sgt cyanide: Ponzholio: As tempting as it is, DO NOT keep pushing on that soft spot.

the place where my soft spot was still feels funny. if i pull hair out from it it hurts in a different way. sometimes i just poke it with my fingernail or run my nail back and forth along it.

can anyone else still feel their soft spot like that? the people ive asked think its weird

DAMMIT! My coworker just walked by as I was feeling the top of my head...

She meant the one connected to your neck, man!
2013-01-07 07:05:19 PM  
1 vote:
Dude, when they start to eat real food, anything besides milk..... oh man, the poop is terrible.


Remember Silence of the Lambs?  Where she has this stuff in her bag that's probably ultra-strong Vicks Vaporub or something similar that she rubs under her nose to quell the stench from the corpse?

You need some of that.
2013-01-07 07:04:10 PM  
1 vote:

Ceteris Paribus says: sgt cyanide: kids are special.

I picked my kids up tonight, and when I walked into my daughter's classroom she was hiding with another girl in a fort so she didn't see me.  I was talking to the teacher and Tori heard my voice, peaked out, saw me and lit up.  She burst of the fort and yelled DAAAAAAADDDDEEEEEEEEEEE and ran into my arms and gave me a great big hug.

Aw, heck, I still do that.
2013-01-07 06:50:59 PM  
1 vote:
Well, congratulations to you Dad to be. I don't have any parenting advice -- what works for me might not work for you.

But I will say this - run interference for your wife when strangers ask to touch her belly. You just never know how that shiat's gonna go down. It's all about the hormone levels.
2013-01-07 06:46:46 PM  
1 vote:
for real this is one of the best advice i've come across and i try to apply it to my sister because it really doesnt matter if theyre your kid or just a family member.

youre going to get angry, youre going to get stressed and life is going to fark with you. we can tell when someone is feeling like this but kids always find a way to internalize it so:

no matter how angry you are, no matter how sad or overloaded you are dont let that be the face you greet your child with. if you hear them toddle/run/walk into the room make sure that they see you smile whenever you see them. let the face they see when they find you be one that says 'i'm glad to see you, you make me happy' not your worried about bills face.

kids are special. make sure you always seem happy to see them, no matter how hard it is to put your own problems aside
2013-01-07 06:44:41 PM  
1 vote:

sarahthustra: sage is overrated.  use less of it in your dressing.

Sage goes in every field.

//well maybe not anymore, but it usta-did.
2013-01-07 06:40:11 PM  
1 vote:
If you have a girl, you should definitely sign her up for beauty pageants as soon as she can walk. The pageant world will teach her positive life skills that she will use in the real world.
2013-01-07 06:37:12 PM  
1 vote:

AdolfOliverPanties: Don't smell the umbilical cord stump.  Trust me on this.

Seriously, I cannot stress this enough.
2013-01-07 06:34:02 PM  
1 vote:
When changing a boy, put a washcloth on it or he will pee all over you and everything else.
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  2. When community members submit a link, they also write a custom headline for the story.

  3. Other Farkers comment on the links. This is the number of comments. Click here to read them.

  4. Click here to submit a link.