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(Fark)   Subby just found out he is going to be a father today. What sage advice/snark do you have for the future dad?   (fark.com) divider line 144
    More: Spiffy  
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2294 clicks; posted to Main » on 07 Jan 2013 at 9:28 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-01-07 06:46:46 PM
13 votes:
for real this is one of the best advice i've come across and i try to apply it to my sister because it really doesnt matter if theyre your kid or just a family member.

youre going to get angry, youre going to get stressed and life is going to fark with you. we can tell when someone is feeling like this but kids always find a way to internalize it so:

no matter how angry you are, no matter how sad or overloaded you are dont let that be the face you greet your child with. if you hear them toddle/run/walk into the room make sure that they see you smile whenever you see them. let the face they see when they find you be one that says 'i'm glad to see you, you make me happy' not your worried about bills face.

kids are special. make sure you always seem happy to see them, no matter how hard it is to put your own problems aside
2013-01-07 06:58:30 PM
7 votes:
You'll get a lot of unsolicited advice. As soon as you have a kid, suddenly everyone has a degree in childhood psychology. They all mean well, so don't take offence. There isn't time to make all the mistakes yourself.

Time off from parenting is crucial. Make dates with the mom. Enlist family members to babysit. Let the mom call ten times if she wants to. Feel no guilt.

Put the kid in the "cute special" outfits. Let them wear stuff out rather than outgrow it. Stains are like scars, they're proof that you had a good time at one point.

Likewise, a broken toy is proof that a kid loved it to death.

Oh, and their immune systems are way better than you think they are. Let them get dirty and don't fuss about what they eat.

Get them their shots.

Take a lot of pictures, but keep only the good shots.

Learn hand signs. Kids can talk before their mouths can handle speech.

You're always on point with late-night emergencies, bug and bird disposal, and checking the baby for life.

Oh right, learn CPR and First Aid. I've held certification since 1993. My daughter passed out once from a fit, she stopped breathing and passed out. I remember thinking "Okay mag, This Is It. How much FA do you know right now? Let's. Go." As soon as my cold hands touched her chest, she took a deep breath in.

Sorry, got on a roll there.

Oh, and keep her off the pole. That's your number one job.
2013-01-07 06:40:14 PM
7 votes:
You come here for advice...?

You're going to be a terrible father.
2013-01-07 06:34:02 PM
7 votes:
When changing a boy, put a washcloth on it or he will pee all over you and everything else.
2013-01-07 06:32:02 PM
7 votes:
Don't smell the umbilical cord stump.  Trust me on this.
2013-01-07 11:44:49 PM
6 votes:
As soon as my son picked a stuffed dog that he had to sleep with every night and wanted to take everywhere, I went online and ordered two more of them. I kept them hidden, and ran them through with every load of laundry for a couple of weeks until they were as worn as the original. This way, any time he spilled juice on his dog, or soaked it with urine, or threw up on it, or his diaper failed and that got all over it, I could take the fouled dog to the laundry room "to wash him up" and simply swap it for a fresh one instead of having to go into immediate panic laundry mode while a crying kid waits for his stuffed animal. Having secret body doubles also came in handy a couple of times when the dog got left at grandma's house and it was too far to go back: "Oh, I bet he'll already be home by the time we get there, little buddy."
2013-01-07 06:29:56 PM
6 votes:
You're going to be a father today? That's pretty short notice.
2013-01-07 09:37:36 PM
5 votes:
Do not set up a facebook for your baby. It makes you look like an asshole.
2013-01-07 07:02:55 PM
5 votes:
Sleep. Sleep now because you will never again know the luxury of going to bed whenever you want.
2013-01-07 06:34:04 PM
5 votes:
Buy a couple of sets of really small screw drivers:  Everything for children takes batteries and the battery doors are all secured by really small (in some cases hard to reach) screws.

S

This is a late parrot: Teach him how to throw


Seriously, start playing with your kids as soon as they are able.
2013-01-07 06:29:35 PM
5 votes:
Congratulations. Don't fark up.
2013-01-07 09:34:01 PM
4 votes:
Don't ask for advice from childless farkers.
2013-01-07 08:39:29 PM
4 votes:
Don't make the mistake of lots of parents.  Your kid is not your best friend, he needs a parent, be a parent, not a friend.
2013-01-07 06:40:25 PM
4 votes:
You're going to make mistakes.  Try not to make too many, and don't kick your own ass too much- kids are resilient.
2013-01-07 06:34:05 PM
4 votes:
give the kid  name that doesn't suck.
2013-01-07 06:31:47 PM
4 votes:
Keep her off the pole.
2013-01-08 09:29:08 AM
3 votes:
When he's eight years old and accidentally sets fire to the living room rug... go easy on him.
2013-01-07 10:30:44 PM
3 votes:
1.) Hoping you're married to/cohabiting with the mother, my main advice is to prepare HARDCORE for the first three months. Everything goes much, much better if you have a cooperative plan for that time period and execute it from the start.

2.) On the same lines, DO NOT be afraid to incorporate your in-laws in that plan if they and your wife are willing. Few of us are big fans of the mother-in-law, but having her around is a calming influence and valuable learning tool for your wife if they have a good relationship. If you absolutely cannot handle her then have her around when you are at work or, if you take time off too, use that time to go shopping for baby supplies/groceries/whatever else is plausibly necessary and allows you to leave the house.

3.) Expect absolutely nothing of your partner for the next 6 months-1 year. Giving birth wipes women's brain clean. She will leave stuff in weird places, forget what day it is, get behind on her share of the chores, etc. Mommy Brain is real and near-universal and you need to be understanding and tolerant.

4.) Expect less than nothing from your partner for 6 weeks after delivery. She just had her vagina torn open, possibly had her taint cut off during delivery, lost tons of blood, lost tons of female hormones, and is adjusting to a little thing that can only communicate in screams suckling at her bewbs every two hours. She'll get back to the sexy sex. Trust me.

5.) Make normal household noise while your infant sleeps. If people are over, talk at normal volumes. Watch TV at NORMAL volumes. Walk around, clean, etc. At this point s/he is going to sleep anyway because when you've been floating in goo for nine months just being awake is exhausting enough. Get him/her used to sleeping through normal noise now and s/he'll be able to do the same when being awake becomes more interesting at around the 4-6 month mark--and likely thereafter.

6.) That thing I said about talking if people come over? Tell people NOW not to come over. Except for grandparents, people aren't coming over to help. They're coming over to see the widdle biddy bubba baby bumper and that's it. And the only people you need over right now, are people who will help in other ways too, like washing dishes/bottles or bringing food.

7.) Tell grandparents NOW that when they visit early on, you really need them to help DO things other than holdthe widdle biddy bubba baby bumper. If they get pissy then they become subject to Rule 6 because they are just stereotypical Baby Boomers and not real grandparents.

8.) YOU CAN'T "SPOIL" AN INFANT." An infant is a helpless little creature that depends on your for every physical and emotional need. When an infant cries there is a REASON and it is your duty to address it. Discipline and spoilation starts when your child can meet a particular need on its own, or when it whines over non-needs (e.g. "THAT toy, not this one"). You will know that time when it comes. For now, lots of holding/cuddling, and when it cries immediately check the diaper, then offer the bottle, then rock a while and put to bed. That covers about all the needs and thus all your necessary reactions.

9.) Chronicle everything. You may feel like you're taking too many pics, but you will never complain about HAVING too many pics.

10.) CONGRATULATIONS! Babies are GOOD THINGS despite the protestations of probably 200 of the 220+ comments I didn't even bother to read before I posted.
2013-01-07 07:21:52 PM
3 votes:

TheSignPost: Dude, when they start to eat real food, anything besides milk..... oh man, the poop is terrible.

Terrible.

Remember Silence of the Lambs?  Where she has this stuff in her bag that's probably ultra-strong Vicks Vaporub or something similar that she rubs under her nose to quell the stench from the corpse?

You need some of that.


Weird, I got Iron Stomach as a class feature. The only time I've puked in the last nine years was when I reacted really bad to some meds.

And I've had my daughter barf in my mouth (by accident). And one time she sneezed when I was changing her and poop went all over. Some... uh, some went in. :(

Oh, so there's some advice. Keep your mouth closed.
2013-01-07 06:55:29 PM
3 votes:
During labor and delivery, position yourself in such a way that you can help and support your wife. Do it in such a way that you don't actually see the baby coming out. There's nothing to be seen there that can't be unseen. Trust me.

Wait until the doctors clean everything up.
2013-01-07 06:32:22 PM
3 votes:
I hope you find the priesthood very rewarding.
2013-01-08 05:39:27 AM
2 votes:
Protect the mother of your child from the 'Mommy Mafia.' Women carry the high school clique mentality into motherhood along with all the personal judgement, insecurity and group think. The Mafia will try and influence breastfeeding, education, what activities your kid should do, along with all the other minutia of raising a child. Try and keep your SO shielded from this by constantly reminding her that she is a good mother... and Fark those snotty know-it-all mommy biatches.
2013-01-08 01:16:51 AM
2 votes:
If you put in the work. The kid will turn out great.

If the kid is smarter than you, that's a GOOD thing.
2013-01-08 01:07:14 AM
2 votes:
I've raised three an the oldest is 18.

Dad is the anchor, the security, the defender, the provider, the teacher, and the lawgiver.


First of all, let me congratulate you on sticking around to BE a father. This is not the given situation which previous generations expected of any real man. Children who grow up without a strong father figure grow up with lots of problems and have a much harder time in life. Statistically, they are much more likely to end up dead or in prison at an earlier age without a male elder role model. We learn best from a 2-parent family, I feel. A single parent, as good and hard as they work at doing their job, still lacks the second perspective to give a child, as well as early examples of how a couple should live in harmony and with respect and love for each other. I think that works for gay OR straight couples. These things are best taught by day to day examples, like letting a kid see you two hug and kiss and call each other pet names and show affection and talk out problems and console each other in sadness and sharing joy. So I thank and salute you for just showing the hell UP. You're unfortunately the minority these days, But it is good news for your kid that they have a mom AND a dad.


The kids are yours, but not forever: your first duty is not to be their "bro", but to raise good human beings who can function in the world and make their own way without you, because some day you will be dead and no longer there to handle problems. You are trying to work your way out of this job as soon as practical. That means sometimes they will hate you or be angry or resentful. Don't let that get to you, and don't cave on principles: they will come around eventually and understand and appreciate what you've done when they are older. Consistent love and discipline is your gift to them. More on this later.

First, in the caveman/ bring home the bacon department:

Before the birth, bank a lot of prepared food away so all you need to do is reheat and serve. You will both be dead-ass tired all the time the first month or two. Arrange easy-care clothing and laundry. Arrange the bills and put as much of your "outside" life as possible on auto-pilot.

If you can take advantage of the family leave act, take at least a month off, then slowly taper off with short work weeks or half-days for another 2 weeks. More if a c-section birth. She's going to need it.

In-laws can be a huge help. We couldn't have made it without my MIL helping out a bit.

Take the lamaze class with her, even if you're doing a regular hospital delivery: the same breathing and pain control techniques they teach in LaMaze will help if she ends up having a c-section and being in pain every time she gets up, lies down, or moves.

YOU will let her sleeping and recover as much as possible, YOU do the late night bottle feedings and bring the baby from the crib to mom for breast feeding and YOU wlll take the baby back to the crib when feeding is over. You will do your share of diaper changing and never complain. These maintenance tasks are humble but very important for proper bonding and building trust with the kid. Promote breastfeeding for six months up to a year old if you can; stats show it makes the baby healthier and smarter.

Rub her feet, good and hard, every day; pregnancy is murder on women's feet. Start the rubs by mid-pregnancy and never stop. Do it while you watch TV together. Back rubs are good too, but keep them non-sexual, without expectations. This will keep some physical intimacy going between you, as well, until she's ready for something more. That, BTW, has to happen on HER time table, not yours. So what else is new? However, you can hasten the happy return to normal sex by being very encouraging every day regarding affirming your love for her and telling her she's still beautiful to you and desirable. Use the foot rub or back rub time to just talk things over. Later, try going to workouts together to help her get back into shape sooner.


The crying is very hard to deal with for first-timers: there were times the first week where I could start to understand how some parents snap and hurt their kids, and I'm not living in a trailer on food stamps or nothing: I was a mature, well-educated, employed 30-year-old man and it nearly broke me from the sleep deprivation and pure ennervation a baby's cries can cause. You were genetically programmed to respond to this noise. You can survive it, take a time-out outside or go sit in the car for a while if you have to, or call a relative to come spell you for the mental health break. After about 2 weeks, you will be over the hump and so will the baby start toning it down on their own. You will become expert at discerning a feed me cry from a change me cry from a I'm too hot or cold or bored or jazzed up/over-stimulated and need my sleepy time cry.

We didn't do much baby talking to our kids: we always spoke proper english and used good grammar around the kids from infancy, and my kids were all 3rd-grade readers with 5th grade vocabularies by pre-school or kindergarten. We did do a lot of singing and had music every day of some sort. A dad thing can be gathering and curating these materials. Have reading materials around all over the place, make sure the kids get physical little books from an early age, and let them see and hear you reading all the time. Reading aloud to the kids, doing the voices of characters, was one of mine and their most favorite activities, and we always made a big deal out of it with special lighting (candles) and rituals like where to sit and etc. Your kids today with your fancy gadgets and screens, sure, let the kids get familiar with these tech toys but don't skimp on old-fashioned cardboard and felt picture books and etc. and keep their exposure to the idiot box low and highly controlled for quality content. Openly and verbally critique what you watch together; discuss what you see and ask about what they think of the character's behavior and actions, use the TV examples to explain and teach your values... explain the lies and traps of commercials, teach them to be critical viewers. Same with gaming.

Along with literacy and numeracy teaching of your kids, it would be nice to instill in them healthy habits and attitudes about fun and exercise and even sports. They can help jeep YOU in shape, as they grow, you can lay on the floor and use them as free weights and later, run/chase/play tag/play catch/ wrestle/ticklefight, etc. Be active and they will be active too. Eat good things in front of them and they will grow up having a taste for good things as well. Any example they get to SEE you living is worth ten lectures. And the corollary is: if you tell them what's good for them but you don't get seen following that, you lose status and respect and you teach them bad things. Fatass.

Once the baby is born, within a few weeks, you will go to the bank and set up what is called a 529 plan, this is basically like a 401K plan but for paying for college, which by the time YOUR kids are 18, will cost as much as the GDP of a small nation. Tell your relatives you have done this, and they will enjoy adding contributions to this plan from time to time on birthdays and etc, believe it or not. It's better than getting savings bonds. Set up payroll deductions at work to automatically put away a slice of your pay into that 529 right off the top, you will pretend you don't even know it is happening. Payroll deduction and compounding interest is awesome as well for your own retirement, which you should be working at the whole time, do NOT wait to start that because the kid expenses are high right now. Explore if your state has a 529 plan that locks in tuition and other costs for state colleges at today's rates, and get enrolled in that plan, pronto. Such plans are tax free, insured, and portable; that is, if they decide they don't want to go to State after high school, they can take that money out and put it into some other school without too much trouble. If they decide to not go to school, you can convert some or most of it to cash to fund their search for meaning or whatever. By the time your kid is 18, they will have school pre-paid for, and can concentrate on working a job thru high school to put away cash for living expenses when they move out of your house to live on their own, which was your goal.


Key items we found most useful: a baby "bouncer", which is a cloth and wire baby lounge chair kind of thing you put on the floor, and you can make it bounce or rock with just your foot. The baby soon learns THEY can make it bounce with their own foot, and they will soothe themselves into long peaceful naps this way. The springy harness-thing that hangs in a doorway like a paratrooper training aid, that shiat keeps them exercised and entertained for hours if they can always see into both rooms and see what you're doing. A good way to get them to sleep as well, but for when they are a little older. These things are portable and handy to take on road trips.

Use cameras that are good in low light and need no flashes, and you'll get tons of great candid shots over time, without conditioning the baby against cameras. Great for peek a boo games.

Light weight umbrella strollers are super handy and cheap. You don't always need the heavy duty pram for everything.

The "Snugli" baby carrier is handy for moms or dads and lets you keep both hands free while hauling the kid around. Let unmarried guys snicker: women seeing you with this are all going to get moist from seeing your hot dad-ness.

Get a good quality rocker or gliding type rocking chair with a footstool. This is essential for breastfeeding as well as soothing rocking action while watching TV or whatnot, she NEEDS this.

Babies and toddlers grow out of things before they wear out. DO use resale stores for used baby clothes and toys, you will save LOTS of money and the kids don't miss out on anything.

Get a baby monitor if you want, get them used, because after a couple of months you will be over the need for them. Old model baby monitors used the same radio channels as portable house phones, beware that sometimes your neighbors can eavesdrop on you all day this way. Same goes for unsecured nanny cams and wireless monitoring.


I'm going to say this once: your movie-going life is over for about four years. Do not take your baby to the movies, not for any movies. Any movie you want to see bad enough, you can afford to arrange a sitter, or you can wait for it to be available for download or DVD rental or whatever. You are a PARENT now. Parenting is sacrifice. More over, you should be a RESPONSIBLE parent, and not inflict your new parenthood on others at theatres when not absolutely necessary. The noise and lights are not good for the kid, nor are the adult themes.

A corollary to this is, if you are church-going folk, or temple or whatever, sit in the farthest back row, close to the exits or the "crying room" if the venue has one. Everybody in the church thinks you are an ass if you come in late, sit up front and let the baby or toddler make noise and/or disrupt services the whole time, it is NOT cute yo just let them cry or carry on, you are just a shiatty parent without consideration for others. Start in the back row, where it doesn't matter you came in late again because the kid pooped just as you were getting in the car. What helps with that, is to keep the kids on a rigid time schedule for feeding and pooping, timed so they are not needing either for the hour of church. Feeding them a slug of formula about fifteen minutes ahead will usually conk them out for 45 minutes at least. As they get to toddlerhood, SILENT toys and maybe a handful of cherios IF THEY STAY QUIET will keep them in line. When they act up, IMMEDIATELY remove them to a quiet spot and stay there until you can get them quiet. God will forgive.

In the discipline department, I highly recommend the "1,2,3, Magic" system; grab the book or video and watch it and decide for yourself. I will say it completely turned around our kid with ADHD and in church, at public functions, in stores, or a real restaurant, our kids never embarrassed us; quite the contrary, people went out of their way to come up to us and complement us on how well-behaved the kids were. We would joke that the key was "regular beatings", but truthfully, with the 123 magic system, you don't need physical violence to make it work, and it remains effective if you are consistent. A very short description of the technique goes like this: kids are not little versions of grown-ups that can be reasoned with; they are not born with reason functioning, they are more like animals and tou the lion tamer, the first year or so. Kids are also born scientists: everything they do, they do to test the world around them and to discover what the real natural laws of the world are. Dropping spoons off the table over and over, that is a game but also it is checking to see that gravity remains a constant. Violating a limit you have set on something, whatever that is, is testing to see if you really mean it or are bullshiatting them, and if you fail, you ar teaching them to ignore you and figure out some other system of rules. They learn consequences and cause and effect from the moment they are born. And they NEED to learn cause and effect and consequences for breaking rules or hurting people, in order to learn empathy for others and how to get along in a society. Your greatest gift to them is to be constant in your love as you are in your setting clear boundaries, and sticking to what you say you will do. The 123 method is a way of cuing the child when they approach a boundary or limit, and the first couple of times they WILL violate the limits you set, to see what happens. If you love them, you will be CONSISTENT and always follow a warning with the consequence, not with anger, just conviction. We found that four or five years old was about the right time to start this program, the year before preschool or kindergarten.
2013-01-08 12:49:24 AM
2 votes:
Best advice was from my younger brother, who had kids first.

MISTAKES WILL BE MADE. And the kid will probably live.
2013-01-08 12:46:26 AM
2 votes:
Here's my list in no particular order.

Growth Spurts: They happen in cycles. You can tell because you kids suddenly eats you out of house and home and is constantly tired. Just go with it. Feed them as much nutritious food as you can (esp protein!) and keep things calm and easy at home while they are going through what is basically constant sleep deprivation. This happens until the leave home so just be aware.

Sleep: Even into elementary school kids need between 10-12hrs. Everyone is different though. If your kid is happy and handles disappointment well, they're probably getting enough sleep. If they're easily frustrated, prone to tears, and can't handle basic stuff (No, you can't watch tv until 10pm.) they need more sleep.

Apologize: Kids can figure out pretty quickly if you just got after them for something dumb. You're tired, you misunderstood something, whatever. It happens from time to time. Don't be afraid to say you're sorry. It's not weakness, it's called not being an asshole.

Become a behaviorologist: I scared the every loving heck out of my parents as a baby. I had been playing quietly that day. A little more low key than usual, but still up and about and having fun. Until they felt my forehead and realized I had a raging fever and was actually very sick. If your kid suddenly starts acting different than normal, check into it, regardless of how innocent it seems.

Keep them alive: Seems silly until you realize kids have a knack for trying to kill themselves. Whether it's sticking things in electrical outlets, eating pretty colored things, suddenly and completely inexplicable dashing in front of a car, or chugging a bottle of nyquil because hey why not? There is no end to the amount of life threatening activities kids will suddenly decide to engage in for no particular reason. This happens all the way into their 20's. Try to head them off at the pass as best you can.

Light speed has nothing on baby speed: More than one parent has had a heart attack because junior was suddenly "just here a second ago!" If you're not in a place where you can safely leave them to go to the bathroom, keep your eye on them! If you're in public, hold hands.

Become a Prepper: Well, for kids that is. Keep all necessary medication, tools and other items in the house at all times. Kids have a knack for getting hurt or coming down with the sick once all the stores and doctors are closed. Having a thermometer, infant tylenol, pedialyte, ace bandage, bandaids and such on hand is a huge help. Save your sick days, you'll need them for your kids...and then yourself after your kids are well. Keep extra food on hand for those evenings where your kid can suddenly eat more than you can. And...yes it sounds silly, extra large clothes on hand as well. One day they'll be getting dressed and all of a sudden their clothes don't fit. Literally, they can't move their arms or button their pants. Having some pjs and a day outfit or two on hand will get you to the next shopping trip.

And last but not least...

Results matter: If your kid is developing into a nice and decent human being, you're doing it right. If your kid is developing into a self-centered unfeeling asshole, you're doing it wrong. It doesn't matter if you're following every "child raising" book out there. It doesn't matter if you're doing everything that worked for *you* as a kid. If your kid isn't developing into a decent human being, you need to change what you're doing. And you need to keep doing it until you find what works for this particular child (everyone is different, if you have a second child you are right back at square one.)

And don't let your personal beliefs on what constitutes "proper discipline" get in the way of effectively parenting your child. If you need to, change those beliefs.

If you've exhausted your repertoire and still haven't had any luck, don't be afraid to get professional help. Hopefully your kid doesn't have a mental disorder, but who knows?

********************************************************************* * ********************************************************************** ****

Enjoy it! You are about to have one of the most fun, insane, drive you crazy (in both good and bad ways) time of your life! ;)

/best wishes to you and the new family! :)
2013-01-08 12:38:04 AM
2 votes:
I have two kids - my daughter is 4, my son is 3. Daughter was planned (IVF) and son arrived 15.5 months later (natural). They're about the same size, same eyes, quite different otherwise. It's a fantastic feeling to have em yell "Daddy" and give me the leg-hug when I pick them up from daycare. Congratulations on joining the party!

Advice (trying not to repeat here)

1. Sleep while you can.
2. Take care of yourself and wife/gf/so during pregnancy.
3. Birth plans can occasionally go out the window. My wife didn't want an epidural when giving birth to our daughter, but she was induced and when her water broke, it was like going from 0-200 MPH. She asked for the epidural, actually fell asleep during a lot of active labor, woke up and 30 mins later we were parents. At first she thought she'd failed somehow, but realized that the epidural probably helped her relax and avoid the emergency c-section. However, when our son came along, wife had pre-eclampsia bad enough to threaten the baby, so son was born at 28 weeks and spent two months in the NICU. Not the way we wanted him to come into the world, but now he's doing fine and weighs more than his sister does.
4. You can never have too many burp cloths.
5. Take pictures and video, back them up, but live in the moment too. Example - we got our daughter's first roll-over on video. I had the camera on and pointed at her, but I was watching her rather than the viewfinder. Much better experience, and we have it on video, too.
6. Baby gas-x, teething tablets, baby tylenol. If you use these, buy more before you run out to avoid those 3 am trips to CVS, Walgreen's, etc. Same goes for diapers and wipes.
7. Breastfeeding is awesome. Some moms can do it, some can't, don't judge. Formula farts suck. Son was on a special brand due to the premature birth. You would not believe the eye-watering, room-clearing farts that came out of that boy.
8. When it's solid food time, make your own if you can. There are books on the subject and as long as you have a blender, food processor or food mill, it's easy to pulverize food, then either serve or freeze for later Costs less and is much more nutritious than the jarred stuff.
9. Be firm, be fair, and don't be afraid to change activities and do something silly if everybody's crabby. There aren't a lot of sounds that are more fun than giggling toddlers.
10. Read to your kids every day. There are plenty of good book suggestions by others in this thread.
11. My daughter was a pee fountain during diaper changes. My son never peed on me, probably because I followed the maxim of positioning the baby and myself to avoid such things, then treating him as if he was loaded and ready to go off at any second. In other words, duck, change fast, breathe easy.
12. Enjoy being a parent. Best job ever.
2013-01-08 12:08:53 AM
2 votes:
Always bear in mind that it's not as easy as you'd hoped, but it's not as hard as you think.
2013-01-07 10:21:14 PM
2 votes:
Best reading advice ever.  Read daily to your child.  Read smart.
If You Give A Mouse a Cookie You're Farked.
2013-01-07 10:17:29 PM
2 votes:
1. Buy these aden + anais swaddle blankets

2. Babby cries. Sometimes just to cry. If they are fed, clean, not hot, not cold. It is OK to step outside for 5-10 minutes and let them cry. This is highly contested and you will hear arguments for both sides. Only you know your babby.

3. Hormones are still driving the wife's actions even after babby is born

4. BED TIME ROUTINE

5. BED TIME ROUTINE

6. BED TIME ROUTINE

20 month old. Slept through the night from 8 weeks on. Goes to bed now at 7:30pm and gets up at 6:45am. Every weekday. On the weekends she lets us sleep until 8am.
2013-01-07 10:16:47 PM
2 votes:
If she chooses to go to a hospital, and she has a plan for how she wants things to happen, you stick up for her and don't cave in to the staff, and ask her to make a "nice gesture".  They also expect things to go a certain way, and don't like to be told otherwise.

/still bitter almost 16 years later
2013-01-07 10:13:24 PM
2 votes:
As soon as you can, lay him/her down on a small blanket and outline them with magic marker with the date. Mine's 9yr old now and looking at that together is an amazing thing.
2013-01-07 09:53:42 PM
2 votes:
Read to the baby as often as possible. Doesn't matter what. It could be blogs or car-repair manuals or whatever, so long as you're reading to them.

And avoid convertible automobiles.
2013-01-07 09:49:00 PM
2 votes:
Lord loves a workin' man. Don't trust whitey. Get a shot and get rid of it.
2013-01-07 09:44:01 PM
2 votes:
Do not let the kid on an airplane for a few years. The rest of us will thank you in advance.
2013-01-07 09:41:31 PM
2 votes:
Congrats to you and the Mom - you are both in for a wonderful ride.

It will be all the things above and so much more. There is no instruction manual, no guide book. Everyone has an opinion but you and Mom should decide what YOU two want and to hell with the rest.

Good luck

/due in 4 weeks
//agree with comments about what works for me may not for you
///Seriously agree with the comments about staying near mom and getting sleep now
2013-01-07 09:38:50 PM
2 votes:
Be a better Dad than your father was.....
2013-01-07 09:38:21 PM
2 votes:
NOTHING IS MORE STRESS INDUCING THAN THE CONSTANT CRYING OF A BABY.

NO BABY EVER DIED FROM CRYING!

Sorry for yelling, but it drives me nuts to hear of child abuse to infants because a parent lost their head.

Seriously, if the baby is fed and the diaper is dry, put them in the crib and shut the door. Go outside and breath. Give it 5-10 minutes to cry while you calm yourself.

And LOVE LOVE LOVE that baby! They are the best thing in the world.

/father of 6
2013-01-07 09:36:41 PM
2 votes:
Get all the farking sleep you can get now.
fark as much as you can now.
2013-01-07 09:34:38 PM
2 votes:
For these next however many months left, sleep. For the love of God, sleep.

/sleep
2013-01-07 07:52:01 PM
2 votes:
Teenagers are not magically evil. Don't freak out. Yes, they're about to do stupid shiat, but they're not inherently malicious, they're still the same person they were yesterday. Just a bit dumber and more drama-prone. And they will really, really need you.

Overall, stay calm and make sure they know you love them, and it'll turn out okay.
2013-01-07 06:55:34 PM
2 votes:
it's only a game. Let the kid enjoy it and stop worrying about his playing to his potential.
2013-01-07 06:34:15 PM
2 votes:
Congrats, subby!
I don't have any advice. Just don't forget to take care of you and your SO, and your relationship. And discipline that little brat, please for the sake of humanity.
2013-01-07 06:32:48 PM
2 votes:
Dishsoap will get puke and poop out of most fabrics.
2013-01-07 06:31:46 PM
2 votes:
Teach him how to throw
2013-01-07 06:29:55 PM
2 votes:
blood test ...

/no, congrats
2013-01-08 04:53:39 PM
1 votes:
1) Go around your house now and break everything you like. Its easier to get over it if it all happens at once.

2) Buy a good steam cleaner.

3) Crawl around your house on your hands and knees and move anything that looks interesting.

4) Don't do everything for them. Your job is to prepare them to live on their own and take care of themselves.
2013-01-08 01:56:10 PM
1 votes:

bk3k: Have an abortion Subby


Would have been sound advice to your mom, what, fifteen years or so ago?
2013-01-08 11:32:48 AM
1 votes:
Go out for a meal, and each and every time you have a meal at home, enjoy each other's company and the moments of contented silence.


Nobody tells you this.
2013-01-08 10:47:57 AM
1 votes:
For the love of god, please teach your offspring to have some manners and be a decent person.

/Too many brats running around these days
2013-01-08 08:40:11 AM
1 votes:
Take lots of pictures and video.

Don't get into the whole "I changed the last diaper, so it's your turn this time" thing with your spouse. If you detect that a diaper needs changing, change it. Even if you end up changing more of them. Trust me, this will be a huge boost to matrimonial harmony.

Don't let the la leche Nazis make you feel guilty if you decide to bottle feed. Your child will do just fine on formula.

If your baby is having a particularly rough night and is waking up every 45 minutes, don't alternate who gets up but rather split the night into two shifts. That way you each get at least a good half a night's sleep. If necessary, the "off-duty" parent should go sleep in the guest room to avoid being disturbed when the "on-duty" parent gets up.

Get comfortable taking your baby outside the house (e.g. the mall) on your own. Give your spouse a break every now & then. Plus, you'll get lots & lots of attention from attractive women when you do.
2013-01-08 08:29:32 AM
1 votes:
1. If your boy grows up with the ability to treat women well without being a doormat you won't have to worry about him choosing poor relationships and nothing jeopardize manhood worse than a bad relationship.

2. Academic fundamentals; reading, writing and arithmetic - and, not "or." Don't buy in to the idea that your boy is good at some things, poor at others and should focus only on what people tell him he is good at; there are plenty of people out there who are much better thinkers than they have been lead to believe. There is a reason colleges and universities call them "schools of Arts and Sciences;" we are meant to know algebra and literature, geometry and composition, physics and philosophy.

3. Catch. Hoops. Kick around. Pig-skin toss. Tennis. Video-games are fun as hell but pushing a bunch of buttons all day long doesn't really accomplish anything. Having a wicked jump-shot, a deceptive second serve or pin-point accuracy in any sport lasts much longer and feels infinitely better than being the neighborhood champ at Halo. I've long forgotten every video game I could whup any three people at at any moment but I remember many more aces, goals, go-routes and outs-at-first.

4. You are the King, Mom is the Queen, then that makes your son a Prince. A Prince should feel that the castle is his home as well; these things are called the "family" car, the "family" room and the "family" dog for a reason. Pride of ownership can be instilled at a young age and if your Prince understands that the castle is partly his, he'll take an active role in helping you run it, clean it, keep it safe and later on perhaps even building more of it.

5. A skill; HVAC, plumbing, automotive, carpentry - often even a basic understanding of any of these can keep your son from reaching for his wallet as the first option to solve any problem.

.... and Cheerios, standard yellow box, plain, with chopped bananas.
2013-01-08 08:18:59 AM
1 votes:
img.photobucket.com
2013-01-08 07:05:39 AM
1 votes:
SLEEP WHEN THE KID SLEEPS. Trust me on this.

Oh, and beware the poop fountain. No one warned me about that.
2013-01-08 05:13:18 AM
1 votes:
Oh, and quit smoking. The missus too, if she does. I gave up a pipe/cigar habit, then fought a dip habit for about two years before I conquered it. I've been tobacco free (mostly) since the kids could remember. The old lady made me a really nice glass front box with my three favorite pipes in, that says "break in case of emergency", when the kids are gone in a few years I might do it. But probably not.

In the meantime, the kids will be sicker and more likely to smoke if you do. My brothers went through the same fight, none of our kids smoke. It's worth the pain.
2013-01-08 02:37:03 AM
1 votes:
When you have poop in the diaper, give it 5 minutes. There's more where that came from.
2013-01-08 02:00:11 AM
1 votes:

erewhon: demaL-demaL-yeH: erewhon: I am an MRE expert

You poor bastard.
/Especially if they were from the first two iterations.

Pork patties, great. Corpse fingers/fingers of death, numbah 10.

And afterwards, oh my god. It's odd to have turds that "clink" when they hit the ground.


Human/Lizard Loaf? It was a blessing when those tiny bottles of Tabasco magically appeared. Some of the stuff even became edible.
What did you think about track pads and sawdust bars?

No, subby. The Target generic A&D that's 40% zinc is the very best for diaper rash.

/And monkey butt.
2013-01-08 01:56:01 AM
1 votes:
Those Gerber child insurance adds are a scam unless you have an Oscar-winning child actor kid.
2013-01-08 01:54:57 AM
1 votes:
Crawl around the house on hands and knees. looking to baby-proof everything you can find at that level.
2013-01-08 01:53:23 AM
1 votes:
Signing Time as soon as they hit 2.5-3 years. Watch it with `em so that if they choose to sign, it doesn't fall on deaf ears. (Blind eyes?) It won't change the times they're too cranky to let you know what they want (PROTIP: they have no clue), but it's great for all the times when they're in a decent mood.

As soon as you can justifiably leave them with someone else for 90 minutes, YOU GO OUT ONCE A WEEK LIKE CLOCKWORK AND NEVER SKIP IT BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO TIRED. Being away from a needy, uncommunicative responsibility and having adult conversations with people whose asses you need not wipe will always recharge your batteries.
2013-01-08 01:46:07 AM
1 votes:
almex for diaper rash

and don't forget to be a kid with your kids at times--they will love you for it.

and the one thing that i have told my daughter--i am your father, not your friend.

i have never failed to tell her that i love her
2013-01-08 01:35:35 AM
1 votes:
When he or she is old enough, get him or her into good music. Start with some In Flames & Children of Bodom before birth, then in the birthing center blast some Megadeth or Slayer. And forget about the usual nursery rhymes, read them Edguy or Avantasia lyrics.
2013-01-08 01:08:09 AM
1 votes:
You won't get a decent nights sleep for at least 3-4 months. The key in the beginning is to sleep whenever the baby does (any wierd hour of the day). When the baby falls asleep- you go lay down and try to shut your big brain off for long enough to grab a few Zs.

Make sure you tag team responsibilities with your partner. A new baby situation where only one parent is doing all the work is not only unfair, but it will come back to bite the other parent on the ass one day, and maybe every day for the rest of their lives.

Once you get over the 6 month hump, you will be blown away by how amazingly engaging the kid is and you can't remember a time when they weren't a part of your life, and Christmas is 1000 times more fun than when you were a kid.

You get to watch them eat their first ice cream and first cotton candy, help them fly their first kite and ride a bike. They rekindle in you the possibilities of life and the beautiful things about this world that we all lose sight of as we get snarkier and farkier.
2013-01-08 01:03:48 AM
1 votes:
Read to the little one. Even when he's in the womb, read to him, talk to him.
2013-01-08 12:51:17 AM
1 votes:
Foam earplugs. They're comfortable, and you can lovingly cuddle and care for a screaming infant at night, while remaining calm and patient yourself. It's much easier to do the things you need to do if you're not under sonic attack. Likewise, you can take turns with your wife wearing them at night, so at least one of you gets some sleep each night. Don't forget to keep some in the car, for those car trips where a screaming kid can be dangerously distracting.

Some kids cry more than others, but they all cry.
2013-01-08 12:44:23 AM
1 votes:
Don't listen to all those people who are telling you to sleep now. Take this opportunity to become accustomed to lack of sleep, prior to the new stressor being added to your environment.
2013-01-08 12:32:52 AM
1 votes:

katerbug72: Last night he slept on the couch and then crawled in with us at four. Tonight he's sleeping on his little sofa bed on the living room floor. I put him in his bed tonight and he got up ten minutes later and went back on the couch, fell off onto his sofa bed and stayed there. Someday, I hope he sleeps in his own bed all night.


Our son did the same stuff. Right about the time he started hating naps, actually. We tried a few things, but the only thing that worked was really physical play to exhaust him. It got us over the sleep hump, anyway. Maybe it's a boy thing, but he sleeps like a champ when we run him ragged every evening. I schedule at least a half hour for light saber battles every evening. The kid is getting pretty good.
2013-01-08 12:20:24 AM
1 votes:
Remember, every kid is different, any advice you get is based on one person's experience, and may not work at all with your child.
2013-01-08 12:07:08 AM
1 votes:
You are likely going to see your wife shiat for (probably) the first time.
2013-01-08 12:02:01 AM
1 votes:
Good news: Most days it's really not as bad as what people say there are.

Bad news: Some days are actually worst than what people say they are.

Also for the first time ever in your life you will actually know that there is someone whom you value more than your very own life and more than everything or anything in this world... that my friend changes EVERYTHING!
2013-01-07 11:52:58 PM
1 votes:
1. Then whenFor the next 9 months. Learn patience, and how to say 'yes dear'

2. Keep telling her how beautiful she is. She feels fat and ugly, and needs reassurance.

3. Learn how to give back rubs and foot massages.

4. When you pack a bag for that fateful night don't forget yourself. You'll need one to. I didn't and she threw up on me twice.

5. Then when the child is newly born and is looking you in the eye, as you wonder 'can I do this' the answer is 'yes you can'
2013-01-07 11:44:15 PM
1 votes:
My advice:
You're preparing a future adult for a life worth living. Every attitude you demonstrate will be considered and absorbed by your children. They have a vibrant mind even before they're born. They're like a sponge: make sure they absorb the wonders, manners, and attitudes that will turn them into confident, compassionate, productive members of society.
Every person is a work of art. Go full Michelangelo on this one.
2013-01-07 11:41:40 PM
1 votes:
Oh - and say goodbye to friends who don't have kids.
2013-01-07 11:37:41 PM
1 votes:
Don't let her read any of the blogs or birth sites while pregnant as there is just too much trauma there. If she has something that makes her wonder you look it up and only tell her when things might be an issue, it saves a lot of drama and worry and with her hormones on full tilt it helps to filter out the crazy.

There are a lot of people with opinions on what is best, and what you should do, but your best option is to read up a lot of different sides and find what you will be happy with tell the others to go fly a kite it is your kid you will raise them as you see fit.

There is never such a thing as giving your kid too much love, things yes, love no.

Remember that your kid is watching you at all times and trying to mimic you so when you are mad sad or indifferent remember that is what they will see and try to emulate.

Get ahead of the game and get the room ready asap so you have plenty of time to chill later and if you cherish sleep try to enjoy a few months of what you will remember as the last few months you actually slept well. The first 6 months are tough on the sleep side but it gets better.

When you are at the hospital just after birth, if you haven't slept in the last day or two let the nurses take the baby for a few hours and get sleep. You might not want to but it is best for the baby as well as the safety for them at that point is rapidly diminishing.

In the end it can be as great or horrible as you allow it to be. Life is what you make it. Having a kid is the best thing in the world but if you don't step back a bit and realize how great it is, you get caught up in some of the drudgery. There are tons of poopy diapers, getting peed on spit up on, a huge learning curve and all the rest of the fun, laugh about as much as you can because again this is how they will learn through you to deal with adversity and they will be the thing you love more than you can imagine possible.
2013-01-07 11:34:13 PM
1 votes:

Zelron: Speak to your kids using real words, not baby talk. The more real words you use, the less they have to learn then unlearn.

e.g. use cut or scrape instead of "boo boo". use vagina instead of "hoo hoo". :) Use the real words. You can use them in a soothing voice, but made up words just makes the learning harder.


No, the word is vulva.
2013-01-07 11:31:28 PM
1 votes:
Speak to your kids using real words, not baby talk. The more real words you use, the less they have to learn then unlearn.

e.g. use cut or scrape instead of "boo boo". use vagina instead of "hoo hoo". :) Use the real words. You can use them in a soothing voice, but made up words just makes the learning harder.
2013-01-07 11:26:07 PM
1 votes:
No snark here as I'm a sucker for my kids (one turned 2 on Saturday and the other is 6 months). This has probably been stated, but I'm too lazy to read all the comments:
1. If your wife wants to breastfeed and can't or cannot sustain it for very long, just be supportive no matter what. Nursing is hard work and a lot of women feel like failures if they can't do it, so just lend an ear if she wants to talk about it and support her.

2. If your wife doesn't want to breastfeed at all, support her in that too.

3. You CANNOT spoil a baby. Their brains are not developed enough to link cause and effect (eg, If I cry, they'll pay attention). Crying is their only way to communicate when they're new, so pick them up, cuddle them, tend to them immediately. And don't give your wife crap if she drops everything to tend to the baby when he/she is crying. The crying of a baby causes a very realistic painful feeling for most moms.

4. Make sure you and your wife give yourselves a break from the baby. Parenting is hard work and you'll have times where you just want a break. That's totally okay and you should allow yourselves that freedom from time to time.

5. Read, sing, talk to the baby. They love to hear your voices.

6. You know what's best for your child. Take everyone's advice with a grain of salt as no one will know your child's quirks better than you. Follow your gut. If you feel like something's wrong and you want to ask your doctor, call them. That's why they're there. Don't feel stupid or that you should know better.

And remember:
The cleaning and scrubbing can wait 'til tomorrow
For children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow
So quiet down cobwebs, dust go to sleep
I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep

/yes, I'm a sap
2013-01-07 11:25:50 PM
1 votes:

White_Scarf_Syndrome: I'm a single Dad.

I don't know what the fark I am doing and I need help for my brains.



As another single dad, I can offer the following advice, ignore the woman who act like they know better than you because you are a man. Also you will find a lot of married women will suddenly try to fix you up with single friends. You can do this by yourself, I've done it for the last 4 years since my wife died.

/did recently get engaged to my daughters babysitter, long strange story there.
2013-01-07 11:22:57 PM
1 votes:
Some to add:

During pregnancy: Almost every symptom imaginable is apparently both a normal symptom of pregnancy and a symptom of a serious life threatening condition. Not much to do about this but be prepared for frustration if you try looking up whether something is harmless or not.

Take your SO's side on visitation scheduling for your parents/siblings immediately after the baby is born.

Adopt a "haters gonna hate" attitude to the multitudes who will offer unsolicited advice and/or commentary on parenting and naming choices.
2013-01-07 11:19:09 PM
1 votes:
1. Baby Signing: Kids can learn basic sign language as early as 6-9 months. Knowing that they want "more" or a "drink" or "eat" or they "pooped" covers 90% of the conversations and cuts down on your stress and their screaming.
2. I know people have mentioned sleep, but it bears mentioning again. Your wife will want to "take care of stuff" when the baby is napping. Until your kid sleeps through the night, your wife should be napping when the baby is napping. Especially if she's breast feeding.
3. breast feeding: Do what every you can to support your wife in this. Go to breast feeding classes with her. Breast feeding is great. it's good for the kid, good for the mom, it's free, and their poop doesn't smell (or at least doesn't smell bad).
4. Post-birth visitors: Any visitor who stays for more than an hour should be helping! They should be cooking, cleaning, holding the baby. You should not be serving them.
5. If you can afford it, we had umbilical blood drawn and sent off to store umbilical stem cells. In case your kid gets some weird disease, you'll have access to their own stem cells.
6. Make sure you have a support system, either friends or family who can help. If your wife will be home alone with the kid without support, she'll start to go MORE nutso than she would otherwise.
7. Enjoy your baby and all the things that happen. It'll be hard at first. You'll fight with your wife, you'll snap at each other. You'll get the wrong diapers, or you won't do it they way she wants you to. Just try to be reasonable and realize that it'll get easier.
8. Getting out of the house on time will be nearly impossible. Understand that you will be late to almost everything. Don't stress it. People who have kids will understand. People who don't--fark 'em.
9. Sleep. SLEEP damnit. There's a line from one of the Bourne books about how sleep is a weapon. The better rested you are, the better you'll be able to deal with everything.
10. Baby's do NOT need a bath every day.

Good luck!
2013-01-07 11:15:44 PM
1 votes:
Put a diaper over your shoulder before burping the kid, unless you have a spit-up fetish.

View nighttime feedings/diaper changing as little happy visits instead of a chore. I have a lot of happy memories of sitting in the near dark with John and a bottle ALL BY MYSELF. Mwa ha ha!

If he's breast feeding, be careful how you hold him unless you've got a tshirt on, because they'll latch onto YOU, and it really feels weird as hell.

Keep a hand on him when changing, they wait for you to turn your back and try to throw themselves on the floor. I never had it happen to me, but the missus was changing John at about 10 months and he did a snap roll off the changing table, landed in the drawer full of diapers below, no harm no foul.

Also if it's a boy, he'll try to pee on you when you change him. Peel the thing back, let the cold air hit, then put the old diaper back on for a few seconds. Unless you like faceful-o'-pee.
2013-01-07 11:13:20 PM
1 votes:
Go easy on the infant toys and convince your relatives and friends to do the same.
My 11 mo nephew has thousands of dollars in highly rated infant development toys he doesn't give a rats ass about.
You need a couple of flashy light music playing things, not dozens of them. Limit yourself to a couple from each category of stuffed animals, squishy plastic books you can throw in the dishwasher, multitextured fabric and plastic thingies with loads of tags on them, squishy fabric thingies that make crinkly noises, and chewy rubber squeaky things.
Have the relatives gift useful things like pharmacy and kiddy clothing store gift cards instead of toys the the kid will never play with for more than 30 seconds.
Start a college fund now and have relatives give to that now instead of buying a 30th plush penguin. Compound interest isn't just a theory.
Most importantly, don't be a dick and teach your kid not to be a dick.
2013-01-07 11:05:51 PM
1 votes:
Best advice I can give you is this:

Don't be an asshole to your kid. This includes putting the kid down, using the kid as built in forced labor, etc.
2013-01-07 11:05:35 PM
1 votes:
A lesson I learned recently: when your spawn begins practising her (or his) verbal communication skills, it is a good idea to be careful what you say until they understand the concepts of context and appropriateness of venue. When it comes to language, kids are like sponges...sponges which immediately get the words squeezed right back out of them.

/Learned this the hard way when I was telling my wife I thought that somebody was a coont
//My lovely two-year-old daughter who hears all looked straight at me and sweetly said, "coont."
///Thinking fast, I grabbed her coat and said, "you want your COAT? Here's your COAT. I'm holding your COAT right here!"
////Slashies
2013-01-07 11:03:39 PM
1 votes:
Paternity test. Don't ask, just do it. Doubly true if you're not married.

Don't ever look comfortable, because that's a signal for the kid to bug you.

Don't expect anything by the book.

Don't expect sleep.

Forget about sex for the next year, well, 50/50 chance of that.

Always offer them something new, even if you don't like it: skiing, football (soccer), dance, gymnastics, swimming, et al.

Be prepared to live at the parks in the summer.

Teach them to cook, clean, and be respectful starting as young as you can.

LET THEM PLAY, HAVE FUN, AND BE KIDS.

Don't take yourself too seriously.

Don't explain things at more of a level than they need at a given time, my daughter saw me get out of the shower, and literally asked what "that" was at age 3. "Daddy is a boy and has boy parts. You're a girl like mommy and have girl parts." That ended that conversation for several years.

Have fun.
2013-01-07 11:02:50 PM
1 votes:
Don't treat your pregnant SO like she's delicate Chinaware, but when she gives you the signal that she's had enough, offer her something (tea, crackers, neck rub, foot stool, cold compress... whatever works for her).

Discuss ahead of time with your SO what you (really SHE) wants from the birthing process - I was firm that I did not want to give birth on my back, ended up in a birthing chair and it was the best thing ever for me. And if you find an OB that insists on something you or she doesn't want, find a new one. And if they try and push something else while in the hospital, don't let them unless it's a medical emergency.

As far as parenthood, you're going to fark up. Accept that and move on. We all do the best we can. Ask friends/family for advice but don't follow it unless it resonates. Don't let someone try and dictate how you should or shouldn't do something that works for your family. I tossed so-called "friends" out of my life completely for getting WAYYY too much up in my business.

If you have a girl, play dolls with her, let her dress you up, and sit down and have tea with her. Also show her how to throw a ball, climb a tree, and look for salamanders. If you have a boy, do the same thing.

Don't let them rule the roost. Put rules into place and have consequences when the rules are broken. Children respond very well when they are given boundaries and it is their job to test you. If you keep letting them slide, they have learned that you don't mean what you say and all they need to do is manipulate you a little more to get what they want.

Those are the bare bones I can offer. Aside from that, trust your judgement. CONGRATULATIONS. You are soon to be responsible for a micro-human. Enjoy!
2013-01-07 11:02:37 PM
1 votes:
1-Tell them that you Love them often.
2-For fever Tylenol for kids-wait 4 hours, Advil for kids-wait 8 hours. 99% of high fevers do not need a trip to the doctor.
3-Religion should require informed consent
4-Get a baby food mill for starting solid food
5-Let them eat dirt
6-The media is not reflective of actual statistics
7-Before giving a gift, unpack it then put it back in the box. They will play with the box if it is big enough
2013-01-07 10:55:49 PM
1 votes:

Mr. Murder: /subby


1. Never wake a sleeping baby.
2. Form a habit and try not to break it. Eat meals together. Always.
3. Learn to cook as a hobby. Involve your kid at a young age. It will improve both your diets/nutrition. No time? Why yes you do. Shut the stupid TV off.
4. Never treat the like they are stupid. Kids are naturally very intelligent and curious.
5. Never lie. Even the simple stuff. This takes all forms. For instance, if you are going to leave them in their bedroom and go to sleep do not tell them you will come back in 10 minutes and lay down with them to go to sleep. It is better to just tell them the truth no matter how small they are. Deal with the crying up front and they will stop it. Never try to "slip out" on them when you leave them somewhere like a babysitter or if you have one over to your house. For instance if you drop your kid off at day care do not just pop out when their back is turned to avoid crying. Let them cry and tell them the truth "I have to go to work now and I'll be back later to pick you up". This seems stupid and simple but it is a huge deal. They will trust you after just a few days whereas otherwise they will learn to despise you and mistrust you.
6. Do not use sarcasm or "kid" them. This is immature of you and also you have a position of authority over them.
7. Do not tickle excessively or let others do it. It is a sign of abuse.
8. Do not feed them juice. It is not nutrition. Numerous studies show that even small amounts stunt their growth, contribute to obesity, and lower IQ.
9. Involve them with helping you even when it is easier to do yourself. They will learn to love to help you (see cooking as an example). This almost always means taking longer to do basic chores like vacuuming. It almost always means they will do it wrong. It means broken things. This is the "cost of doing business".
10. Learn to play again.
11. Do not tolerate lying.
12. Improve your own behavior now in order to perform items 1-11.
2013-01-07 10:45:40 PM
1 votes:

Buddha Belly: Oh, and talk to the baby -- a lot. Very good for brain development.


Dont allow baby talk around your child. It entertains old women and nothing else.
2013-01-07 10:45:28 PM
1 votes:
I started late(38) - my boy is now 10 and I'm SO glad that I didn't miss out on this ride - enjoy every minute - even the rough spots at the beginning because it goes too fast. Watching them develop into their own little person is amazing. And it's true, stay involved and they keep you young - it's a gift they give to you, don't miss it.
2013-01-07 10:44:12 PM
1 votes:
Your job as a father is to provide opportunities and experiences for your child. Some cost money, many do not.

Read to your child, every day until they wont let you any longer (it will be later than you think)

Take your child to the zoo, the aquarium, and every museum within reasonable distance of where you live. Taking that dream vacation to Disney World, subtract one day from the theme parks and take them to the local science museum. Better yet take them to the Kennedy Space Center.

Your child will get interested in something out of your comfort zone, get involved, coach it if you can.

If you have a daughter, she might gravitate towards dolls and makeup. Let her. But dont let her see these as a substitute for math and science.

If you have a daughter, he might gravitate towards sports and video games. Let him. But dont let him see these as a substitute for reading and the arts.

You wont break them. You wont screw them up. Unless you aren't there.
2013-01-07 10:42:49 PM
1 votes:

The Evil That Lies In The Hearts Of Men: Baby girl: Wipe from front to back.


This, So Much this, oh and be prepared for diaper explosions at the most inopportune times, i.e. 5 minutes after you changed a wet diaper and put her in a car seat for a 2 hour ride to grandma's house, there are good times for diaper explosions i.e. 5 minutes after you have handed her to grandma, seriously your mother will think it is cute and rush off to change her before you can say "mom give her back I will take care of it"
2013-01-07 10:35:15 PM
1 votes:
My son is 7 months old. We had a few rough weeks early on and I didn't get any photos of him in that timeframe. I can't get that time back, take photos and video when things are going rough.
2013-01-07 10:34:42 PM
1 votes:
Baby girl: Wipe from front to back.
Baby boy: Put a towel over his penis while changing diapers.
Breast fed baby poop doesn't smell bad.
2013-01-07 10:34:39 PM
1 votes:
Be prepared to be amazed, constantly.

Cuddle, Snuggle, Hold, your baby from day 1, don't worry you won't break it.

If the baby is breastfed, do not hold with out a shirt if you are a man, it hurts like hell (how did my wife deal with that?) and they scream bloody murder when no milk comes out.

Read to your child as often as possible

Get a jogging stroller and/or a bicycle trailer, you will not have much exercise time but these will but the child to sleep, give your partner a break, get you healthy, and get you out of the house.
2013-01-07 10:30:03 PM
1 votes:
When you get the kid home, turn on the radio or tv at a normal volume so they get used to background noise.
My kids will sleep through anything.
2013-01-07 10:25:49 PM
1 votes:
Congrats, your life has changed and will never be the same. Life will be You have difficult, more scary than ever before. But, it will also be fooled with more live and emotion than you have ever known. As frustrating and difficult as being a father gas been at times, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

  I am the father of two and step-father of for. The best advice I can give you is do what you say you are going to do. If you sold your child and put in place a punishment, follow through to the letter. A child who knows you won't follow through, will never listen to you. Also don't be afraid to say no. Teach you kid that they don't need everything in life, that sometimes they have to wait.

 As your kid gets older TEACH him or her. Don't just let them hold the flashlight and hand you tools, let them tighten the screw or put that new purchase together under your supervision. You won't believe how much more confident they will become knowing that they can do something. And the bonding experience is priceless.

Once again, congrats. You are officially the luckiest person on the planet!
2013-01-07 10:24:06 PM
1 votes:
On having kids.
Your life, as you know it, is gone. Never to return. But they learn how to walk, and they learn how to talk, and... and you want to be with them. And they turn out to be the most... delightful people... you will ever meet in your life.

Bill Murray in Lost in Translation.
2013-01-07 10:18:34 PM
1 votes:

skullkrusher: oh, and whatever you do, don't eat the last Almond Joy Easter Egg. You can literally buy a case of them to replace it and it won't be the same because she wanted THAT Almond Joy Easter Egg.

/true story


Eat the last Almond Joy Easter Egg. Teach them that you don't always get what you want.
2013-01-07 10:17:07 PM
1 votes:
Best parenting advice I ever received: Don't take parenting advice from anyone.
2013-01-07 10:15:33 PM
1 votes:
Enjoy every moment.
Don't sweat the small stuff.
Share the responsibilities of parenthood and child maintenance with your SO. I know a guy who said, "I never changed my kids' diapers because I was never any good at it." Bullshiat. You're the dad. It's your job to GET good at it.
Remember how they look when they're bald, have no teeth and are covered in drool. If you're like me, you'll long for the simplicity of those days as they grow.
You can never love your own child too much.
Don't make excuses for your own behavior as a parent based on what was done to you during your childhood. My dad was an alcoholic. My mom used to beat me, and once got so mad at me she threw an ironing board at my head. And I have chosen to take those experiences and make them an example of what *not* to do as a parent.
You can either make excuses or make progress. Make progress.
Talk to your baby. Cuddle her. Kiss her belly. Nuzzle her. Babies become toddlers who become kids that eventually reach an age where they no longer want to be touched by you. Soak it all up now.
Be silly. Play with your baby. Instill a self-deprecating sense of humor in her as she grows. A child that can laugh at herself is rarely laughed at by others.
Don't spend every moment behind the camera. Save some of those wonderful moments for yourself, and allow yourself to be as present as you possibly can. Life is better when it's experienced face-to-face rather than seen through a 2.5" screen.
Enjoy all that is to come. I envy all the amazement that you will experience.
I truly wish you and your family the very, very best.
2013-01-07 10:15:33 PM
1 votes:

dramboxf: Keep her off the pole.


This.

And make sure any guy she talks to knows that you have no problem going back to prison.
2013-01-07 10:14:51 PM
1 votes:
oh, and whatever you do, don't eat the last Almond Joy Easter Egg. You can literally buy a case of them to replace it and it won't be the same because she wanted THAT Almond Joy Easter Egg.

/true story
2013-01-07 10:10:55 PM
1 votes:
1. Don't worry about making mistakes... kids are tough and enormously forgiving.
2. Hold them, love them, and play with them.
3. Have fun, be silly, and laugh with them.
4. Teach them the things that you ended up having to learn the hard way (and as much as you can).
5. Be fair, but firm.
6. Learn from them... while you have a lot to teach them, they have a lot to teach you about yourself.
7. Get used to gross stuff... there will be plenty of it to clean up.
8. Give them rules to follow and enforce those rules (don't be a pushover).
9. If the baby is screaming and crying and you feel yourself tensing up from the stress, put the baby in it's crib for a little while and walk away... this is more important than most people realize.
10. Let them make mistakes... then help them to understand their mistakes.
11. Teach them to cook... someday they'll be on their own and they're going to need to know how.
12. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you make along the way.

There is plenty else you'll figure out along the way... but as a father of three, that's my advice.

Oh yeah... as for the birthing... See what you can do about finding an excellent midwife instead of relying on doctors. They're WAY WAY better for uncomplicated/healthy birthing in my opinion.
2013-01-07 10:10:43 PM
1 votes:
One piece of advice my friend gave me was: don't be too quiet around the baby.  They were quiet around their first kid and she woke up at the drop of a pin.  So I took this advice and  mine could sleep through everything, like his second daughter.

The weird item I was happy I eventually bought but would have liked to have from the start:  Get a mirror that attaches to the back seat headrest and reflects to the front mirror, some have lights and music too.  In my state for the first year, the baby must face the rear, and be in the back seat.  New parents are naturally paranoid, but it is great to be able to know at a glance if they are sleeping or what they are up to.

Don't sweat the germs, it helps build the immune system; antiseptic children may have more allergies and illnesses.  (This is a theory with high correlation, but still only a theory.)
2013-01-07 10:10:24 PM
1 votes:
if you dont like suprises, keep your mouth closed around your toddler
2013-01-07 10:10:17 PM
1 votes:
Congratulations!

My advice: You will want to take lots of pictures and videos. That's fine. But be sure to put the camera down and just be in the moment too.
2013-01-07 10:10:13 PM
1 votes:
Fatherhood is the best thing in the world. You will forever be loved and love another.

Schedule, schedule schedule. Keep the baby on a schedule - feeding, sleeping, resting, It may seem anal, but it pays off huge dividends as they grow up, It makes them better adjusted and healthier.

Also, don't let the breastfeeding nazis get to you. If you decide not to breastfeed, you are not a horrible parent and your kid will not grow up tarded. Formula fed babies do just fine. Breastfeeding is better, that is true, but some women have trouble with it. It is okay to try, fail, and switch to formula.

Good luck!
2013-01-07 10:09:42 PM
1 votes:
Mec is really gross (it's the first stuff they poop out), but don't worry, it will turn into real poop in a couple of days, and that will be really gross as well. Don't worry you'll get used to it. You will get used to a lot of really gross disgusting things. Honest. Also, as your child gets older and you talk to other parents and you think to yourself, "Wow, their kids are way better than mine. Their kids don't get into trouble and they do their homework without being hounded and they're polite and great at math blah blah blah. I'm a bad parent." DON'T BELIEVE THEM! NONE OF THEM ARE TELLING THE TRUTH! THEIR KIDS ARE JUST AS SCREWED UP AS YOURS!
And by that I mean normal.
2013-01-07 10:05:44 PM
1 votes:
I'm a father of a 9 month old boy.

All I can say is sleep now. Sleep often and enjoy your free time like you've been sentenced to death.

Seriously the best thing that's ever happened to me though.
2013-01-07 10:03:03 PM
1 votes:
Talk with the wife about parenting styles so you know before what you want. Cry it out or not? Attachment parenting? Spanking or not?

Once you two know what you want, then do your thing, and humor all the "experts" who will try to tell you what to do. They mean well, but it'll get old.

Don't spend all your time comparing your kid to others. They all grow differently.

Read a book about how the pregnancy will affect your wife. Hormones are a crazy thing, and if you understand now what to expect, things will go so much better for you.

I have a son about to turn 3 and a baby due this month. Being a father is the greatest joy imaginable, so have fun with it. Feel free to be as goofy as you want. Play hard, they won't break. Have a schedule, and break it just often enough so that when you do its special.
2013-01-07 10:01:11 PM
1 votes:
Don't sell it to the first guy who comes along. Play the market a bit, wait for the right offer. People will pay a lot for a white kid, so don't let them nickle and dime you about little nicks and scratches.
2013-01-07 10:00:11 PM
1 votes:

gunsmack: When changing a boy, put a washcloth on it or he will pee all over you and everything else.


My daughter was able to do the same thing. We used to do what we called "priming the pump": we curled her legs up into her abdomen a few times to push help empty the bladder. Worked great.

My advice to the soon to-be dad: don't sweat the small stuff. Seriously.

/Wife is eight weeks along with number 2
2013-01-07 09:59:30 PM
1 votes:
Use it as an attempt to get attention in a news aggregate discussion thread.
2013-01-07 09:58:59 PM
1 votes:
Try anal next time.

/I keed
//congrats
2013-01-07 09:57:33 PM
1 votes:
Serious response here. 1. Plenty of physical contact when the child is small. 2. Tell the child that you love him/her often. 3. Always look the child in the eye when conversing. This will require you to squat down frequently. 4. Treat the child with the same level of respect that you would like to receive from anyone you meet. 5. Always give them a choice i.e. shower or bath tonight? or do you want to brush your teeth during the commercial or at the end of the program. You'll get what you want and they will learn good habits.

tl;dr hold them a lot and tell them you love them.

I am 2 for 2 with this approach as a single (widower) dad. Congratulations and enjoy!
2013-01-07 09:53:52 PM
1 votes:
Don't think that your parents or grandparents were all-wise when it came to raising their children. They were just winging it. That's what you'll be doing, too.
2013-01-07 09:53:05 PM
1 votes:
Can't figure out HTML on the mobile app but this article is super important so you don't go mad reading to your child:

http://m.deadspin.com/5889376/if-you-give-a-mouse-a-cookie-youre-fark e d-10-tips-for-avoiding-terrible-childrens-books

Oh and scheduling our kids sleep (Baby Wise) was the best. She slept through the night at 8 weeks.
2013-01-07 09:53:02 PM
1 votes:
It takes time to bond with your infant. Won't happen overnight. I didn't like my oldest daughter much until she was 4 months old. It's normal. Don't sweat it.
2013-01-07 09:52:52 PM
1 votes:
Congrats on the pending loin fruit. Don't sweat the small stuff, pick your battles, and never microwave a bottle with the nipple attached. It's funny, but messy.
2013-01-07 09:50:57 PM
1 votes:
Always have three bottles of formula/breast milk ready in the fridge. Putting those things together in the dark at 3am can get very messy. Grabbing a pre-made version out of the fridge is easy.

Arrange your changing table to where you know where everything is with your eyes closed. Because at 3am, they will often be half-closed.

Steel your mind that the first two months will suck. After that, when they start sleeping ~5 hours at a time at night, the next two months will suck slightly less. Once they start sleeping 7 hours at a time, life will start kind of getting back to normal.

From about 8-20 months is just nirvana - it's great seeing them develop right in front of your eyes.

As a dear friend said to me, "You spend the first two years of their life getting them to walk and talk and the next 20 wishing they'd sit down and shut up." :)

Good luck, sir - it's been a fun ride for us so far.
2013-01-07 09:46:22 PM
1 votes:
Congrats Subbs,

The best and truest advice i can offer is this;

It is all about your child now.

Everything you do from this point on is all about him or her...

Period.

Everything you do should have your offspring in mind first.

You will never be happier, or sadder, but following this advice, you will never be richer.

Enjoy!
2013-01-07 09:45:37 PM
1 votes:
No matter what you're facing, never lose your sense of humor. It will save you and your child a lot of heartache.
2013-01-07 09:44:56 PM
1 votes:
You will learn to love another human being in a way that far exceeds any love you have for yourself or anyone else. And there will always be a part of you that worries constantly that somehow your child will die before you do, and the notion will frighten you deeper than almost any other feeling that you may ever experience.
2013-01-07 09:44:05 PM
1 votes:
Here are things I've found that aren't necessarily obvious, but most vitally important:
- Always keep precedents/consistency in mind.  You can't let your kid do something when they're little because it seems cute, and then expect them to stop doing it when they're older.

- People have gone through horrible, horrible childhoods (abuse, loss of parents, etc.) and come out as fairly functional adults.  Don't get worked up thinking you've scarred them for life just because you embarrassed them in front of their friends.

- The above notwithstanding, even doing your best you're almost certainly going to be responsible for some bit of emotional baggage.  We all have some. Get over it.

- You'll miss bath times, hand feeding, and all the other chores when they're too old for it, so enjoy them now.
2013-01-07 09:40:55 PM
1 votes:
Assuming you found out early in the pregnancy....
Buy some Ben and Jerry's or Hagan Dass or whatever the little lady is into. Hide it in the freezer and be able to produce it when the hormone fairy arrives. Yeah... it's an old Robin Willaim's joke but I swear this will save your relationship and maybe your life.
2013-01-07 09:36:45 PM
1 votes:
Be patient with yourself as well as your child. You'll both be doing a lot of learning and growing.
2013-01-07 09:35:08 PM
1 votes:
imgs.xkcd.com
2013-01-07 09:34:52 PM
1 votes:
Tell them stories about your childhood every chance you get. Especially stories about when you did something dumb. Get them to understand early that screwing something up isn't the end of the world.
2013-01-07 09:33:28 PM
1 votes:
scottystarnes.files.wordpress.com
2013-01-07 09:33:08 PM
1 votes:
You about to welcome somebody into this world who shall, for the rest of your days, man more to you than your own life. Be honest, be firm, be kind.
2013-01-07 09:30:40 PM
1 votes:
Time to give up the TotalFark.
2013-01-07 09:30:32 PM
1 votes:
You're unlikely to ever do anything more important. Just sayin'.

Put your kids' psyche/welfare above whatever trivial crap you're going through with their mother.

Don't take it personally, they're all like that.

Don't forget they'll still be your kid when their kid is the age you are now.

Your dad might start getting a lot smarter.
2013-01-07 09:30:21 PM
1 votes:
Time flies so pay attention and don't miss it.
2013-01-07 09:20:16 PM
1 votes:
Whatever you think it will be like is wrong.

Other people's experience won't mean a lot to you. You'll do things your own way. Relax and enjoy it.

Congratulations.
2013-01-07 08:41:40 PM
1 votes:
Just let it go.
You are the father, not the mother. When the kid farks up, tell him/her. Yelling can get their attention, but keep it to a minimum. Most kids tune that shiat out, but do pay attention to a calm voice.
2013-01-07 07:40:11 PM
1 votes:
you're getting ready to spend $250k over the next 17 yrs.

congrats
2013-01-07 07:21:04 PM
1 votes:
Do not have sex with the baby.
2013-01-07 07:06:01 PM
1 votes:
As tempting as it is, DO NOT keep pushing on that soft spot.
2013-01-07 07:05:19 PM
1 votes:
Dude, when they start to eat real food, anything besides milk..... oh man, the poop is terrible.

Terrible.

Remember Silence of the Lambs?  Where she has this stuff in her bag that's probably ultra-strong Vicks Vaporub or something similar that she rubs under her nose to quell the stench from the corpse?

You need some of that.
2013-01-07 06:50:59 PM
1 votes:
Well, congratulations to you Dad to be. I don't have any parenting advice -- what works for me might not work for you.

But I will say this - run interference for your wife when strangers ask to touch her belly. You just never know how that shiat's gonna go down. It's all about the hormone levels.
2013-01-07 06:50:30 PM
1 votes:

sgt cyanide: kids are special.


I picked my kids up tonight, and when I walked into my daughter's classroom she was hiding with another girl in a fort so she didn't see me.  I was talking to the teacher and Tori heard my voice, peaked out, saw me and lit up.  She burst of the fort and yelled DAAAAAAADDDDEEEEEEEEEEE and ran into my arms and gave me a great big hug.
2013-01-07 06:38:43 PM
1 votes:
Time to grow the fark up, snowflake.
2013-01-07 06:36:19 PM
1 votes:
Have you told the mother yet? Or might it not be hers?
 
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