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(Fark)   Subby just found out he is going to be a father today. What sage advice/snark do you have for the future dad?   (fark.com) divider line 572
    More: Spiffy  
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2297 clicks; posted to Main » on 07 Jan 2013 at 9:28 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-01-08 01:20:34 PM  
A few things I've learned, or what they're worth.

1. It's no longer about you.

2. The first 6-9 months will make you mostly insane due to lack of sleep. Few new parents are prepared for just how little sleep they will get. Get your support network in place now. You'll need to be able to have friends/family come by and watch your little one so *you* can get some sleep.

3. You and your partner are going to be exhausted and pissy, a lot. You will likely take this out on each other. This will pass, but you need to be good at remembering that you are just tired and this phase will end soon.

4. Do you have nice furniture and clothes? Put them in storage. When you hold your infant before going to work, cover yourself with a receiving blanket as they will usually find a way to paint you with formula.

5. On baby-proofing. Think about the last time you came home really drunk. What did you bump into or hurt yourself on? Find those things and remove them or pad them.

6. Your kid will get bumps and bruises. It's going to happen and no, you probably aren't a bad parent because of it.

7. Infants are a lot of work and will tax your patience. Fortunately it gets a lot more challenging once they turn into toddlers and learn to walk, climb, and say "No."

Good luck!
 
2013-01-08 01:21:59 PM  
Being with your loved one as she/he/it gives birth through their ass is an amazing and wonderful thing, but be prepared for "fun" things to be said at you & for the afterbirth, a rather interesting discharge of uterine stuff (think of it as the baby's ass luggage) that happens after the baby is born. However, you will not regret it if you are not there for it. Her twat will be permanently stretched out afterwards and cumming in her will be like cumming in a hallway.

Work it out with your loved one that you will NOT take shifts regarding late-night feedings and other attendance as you are the bread-winner, Winrar is YOU. An inequitable distribution of baby labor and sleep allowance is what you need.

The baby won't give you much feedback (i.e., smiles, giggles, shiatting, etc.) for the first couple months, but feel free to take that personally.

At Starbucks and certain other coffee joints, they will warm bottles of booze that you bring with you. So you can have the alcohol you desperately need & the baby can have a warm bottle, too!

Things you will be thankful you bought: a vibrating pussy, a diaper genie (unless you go the eat the diaper like it's Indian food route), lullabye CDs, an audio-only baby monitor, a baby sling to hang it by it's neck, and a DVR or TiVo.
 
2013-01-08 01:36:42 PM  

rotsky: During labor and delivery, position yourself in such a way that you can help and support your wife. Do it in such a way that you don't actually see the baby coming out. There's nothing to be seen there that can't be unseen. Trust me.

Wait until the doctors clean everything up.


Omg you are so damn right I'm still scarred for life you can NEVER EVER EVER un see that stay away for the love of God
 
2013-01-08 01:46:34 PM  

preybyemail: Dwangerous: My advice is to go easy on the Facebook pictures it's OK in small doses but nobody needs to see every damn thing your kid does that you feel is remotely cute.

People do that for themselves and close family. Im sure i couldnt give two shiats if one of my friends thinks i post to many baby pics. Anyone force you to read a facebookk page at gunpoint lately?


My general advice is let people ask to see pictures -- it doesn't matter what of. It's okay to say "Hey, I have pictures of X if you want to see them" but I don't want to be ambushed by a 50 picture slideshow of your baby, or your backyard or your trip to Tibet. I don't care if you think I can just scroll past or not click if I don't want to -- tact states that you don't publicly broadcast your personal business to everybody in the tri-county area just because you feel like it.
 
2013-01-08 01:49:38 PM  

Donnchadha: preybyemail: Dwangerous: My advice is to go easy on the Facebook pictures it's OK in small doses but nobody needs to see every damn thing your kid does that you feel is remotely cute.

People do that for themselves and close family. Im sure i couldnt give two shiats if one of my friends thinks i post to many baby pics. Anyone force you to read a facebookk page at gunpoint lately?

My general advice is let people ask to see pictures -- it doesn't matter what of. It's okay to say "Hey, I have pictures of X if you want to see them" but I don't want to be ambushed by a 50 picture slideshow of your baby, or your backyard or your trip to Tibet. I don't care if you think I can just scroll past or not click if I don't want to -- tact states that you don't publicly broadcast your personal business to everybody in the tri-county area just because you feel like it.


Facebook was not built with tact in mind.
 
2013-01-08 01:56:10 PM  

bk3k: Have an abortion Subby


Would have been sound advice to your mom, what, fifteen years or so ago?
 
2013-01-08 02:23:36 PM  

azmoviez: Can't figure out HTML on the mobile app but this article is super important so you don't go mad reading to your child:

http://m.deadspin.com/5889376/if-you-give-a-mouse-a-cookie-youre-fark e d-10-tips-for-avoiding-terrible-childrens-books

Oh and scheduling our kids sleep (Baby Wise) was the best. She slept through the night at 8 weeks.


Funny omission in that commentary: sure, reading kids books is boring, but so is being read to. That's the big source of fidgety kids.

If you're not talking about the book as you go along, you're doing it wrong.

\Some books now have questions for the parents to ask in smaller font at the bottom of the page as a cue to do this.
 
2013-01-08 02:45:58 PM  
One piece of advice that I never hear, but take it from me as a foster parent, it matters: If momma is on drugs (especially recreational ones), no breast feeding.

Breast feeding is absolutely the way to go normally, but you don't want to have put up with a baby who is crying all night because mommy was snorting cocaine.

/Happened to foster child we had.
//After the first night in our care, her "colic" magically disappeared.
///First night really sucked, though.
 
2013-01-08 03:55:06 PM  
Be careful when picking up your child. At some point in their development, depending on their height, you WILL get kicked in the balls.
 
2013-01-08 03:58:30 PM  

henryhill: Read one of the hundred Fark threads over the last five years on this exact same topic.


Almost like this cycle of birth and life continue regardless of how entertained you are personally!
 
2013-01-08 04:31:35 PM  

rotsky: During labor and delivery, position yourself in such a way that you can help and support your wife. Do it in such a way that you don't actually see the baby coming out. There's nothing to be seen there that can't be unseen. Trust me.

Wait until the doctors clean everything up.


THIS..
Do not look down there.
/I still remember looking after my first came out.
//Looked like a grenade went off down there.
 
2013-01-08 04:53:39 PM  
1) Go around your house now and break everything you like. Its easier to get over it if it all happens at once.

2) Buy a good steam cleaner.

3) Crawl around your house on your hands and knees and move anything that looks interesting.

4) Don't do everything for them. Your job is to prepare them to live on their own and take care of themselves.
 
2013-01-08 05:17:02 PM  
Parenthood is the longest days, but the shortest years of your life.
 
2013-01-08 06:57:03 PM  
Some good stuff in the midst of the usual snark. I only skimmed the comments and Any Pie Left is one that has a lot of useful stuff. Some of the book recommendations in other comments are good as well. I do have some to add as well.

Something that we were NEVER told is about gallstones and pancreatitus postpartum. It wasn't until six weeks after the birth that my wife was in so much pain that the gastroenterologist told us to go to the ER and then every doctor, including her OB/GYN that even did the damn delivery, friends, and family members said that this was textbook timing. OMGWTF people! Not a hit that this may be the problem; everyone was telling us her pain before the birth was her milk coming in and after the birth was that she was engorged and needed to feed or pump. So here's what you need to know.

Symptoms:
Pain right under her breasts that extend out to the back. This generally occurs after eating a meal, but sometimes a few hours later like in 2 AM. Early on the pain will last from a few minutes to maybe an hour. It will become more frequent and more painful progressively postpartum. Prenatal it may not be frequent and only happen a couple of times a month. After the birth when she was having an episode, feeding or pumping would cause her more pain. You're not engorged if there's a good latch with the baby or seal with a pump and barely anything is coming out.

What's going on:
Apparently a lot of people have gallstones and never have a problem with it. Pregnancy can cause gallstones to form. Pregnancy will make ducts for the pancreas and gallbladder get larger because more stuff needs to flow through them. If there're gallstones, the increased diameter of the ducts will allow the gallstones to move further down and potentially clog the ducts; the clogging results in pain. Postpartum the ducts go back to their original size and the gallstones that have moved down will clog things up, not let the fluids that the pancreas and gallbladder make move and the pancreas starts to digest itself. My wife described the pain as worse than childbirth.

What to do:
Talk with your OB and find a great Gastroenterologist, preferably one that can do surgery or knows of someone really good that can do surgery and follow-up care. The OB/GYN my wife sees is a great doctor and knows his shiat, but he really slipped on the gallstone thing. It may be a good idea to research these doctors now even if nothing happens. Research this condition further to get info I've left out. Ask the Gastro Doc info on this condition. Check your insurance to see what they will cover. Thankfully my insurance was a $1000 deductible that was met with the birth and the two week stay at the hospital for the pancreas and gallbladder thing six weeks later was covered 100%.

CSB:
We mentioned this every time she went to see a doctor about anything and they all said that it was her milk coming in. After the birth they said she was engorged and should feed or pump; this would only cause her more pain. Finally one night we called the postpartum nurse hotline for our hospital and the nurse knew exactly what it was. She recommended that we talk with our gastroenterologist. We called their hotline and the on-call doc said to drop everything and go to the ER. Her lipase levels were literally off the scale; lipase levels should be like >85 or something and they just stop counting at 3000 which they did with her. All they could do was give her IV pain meds and nutrients while her lipase and amylase levels came back down to normal. She wasn't allowed to eat anything but ice chips in small quantities. Her pain was so high that morphine took the edge off for a few minutes and they put her on morphone pump (IV meds that are administered when the patient hits a button, but is will not provide a dose if at least 10min have not passed between doses. The button part is to make sure the patient is concise enough to push it instead of a regular drip that could cause them to stop breathing and die). After four days from being admitted, they were able to perform surgery to remove the gallbladder and gallstones. Her pancreas was still pissed off and forced her to stay in the hospital until she could keep down a pain pill and food. As a result of her pancreas trying to digest itself, she has sudocysts that need on the pancreas that need to either go away on their own (good) or form into one so that she can have a "procedure" (minor surgery) to connect a tube from the cyst to her stomach to drain and then another "procedure "(minor surgery) to remove the tube later (bad) with the possibility that she could get internal bleeding that would require emergency surgery (Fark) and potentially die (Ultra Fark).

If You live in Greater Atlanta:
Northside Hospital has the whole birthing thing down to a science. They have large roomy facilities. Our birthing room was huge and could have sat some extended family if we were wierd like that. They have a great nursing staff for the Women's Center. Do check out other hospitals and see what their facilities are like especially if they're more convenient. If you need to go to a hospital for anything else, DO NOT GO TO NORTHSIDE! Seriously, their nursing staff tried to kill my wife on more than one occasion. Had I not lived at the hospital with her and the in-laws taking care of the baby, they probably would have killed her. We complained twice to Patient Relations with no action on the first complaint and leaving them speechless on the second complaint; we were thankfully discharged the next day. Also, the surgeon was a general surgeon and didn't full understand her post-surgery care needs even though he acted like he did. Instead, go to Emory. Our Gastroenterologist is professional enough to refer us to a different doctor that is better suited to her condition and that doctor was just as professional to refer us to an even better doctor that suited her needs. She's now seeing a Doctor that's a professor at Emory University, teaches, and practices this subject. So far the cysts are getting smaller and if it continues, she won't need to be cut open again.

Other things not related to gallstones:
Be patient with her. Her hormones just went sideways on her and crazy new things are going to happen. She will cry for no reason. She will demand that the baby's room will be setup in three months. The house must be clean. The house must be baby proofed even though it will be a year at best before the kid can crawl. You'll make her favorite meal for dinner and she'll take one whiff of it and want to vomit. Things she loved, she will hate. Things she hate, she will love. Things will change 180 degrees every minute on some things. You will not have anything that smells good to eat so you will find yourself driving down the road with her window down and pulling over at the first restaurant that smells good. Work with her on what's reasonable.

DO rub her feet and legs every night. DO help her stand up and sit down. DO open and close the door for her (you should be doing this anyways). DO tell her every day that you love her and she's beautiful and mean it when you say it (you should be doing this anyways as well and it's more important than ever because now she's going to feel like a fat cow regardless of how skinny or fat she is). This pays dividends! She will be in less pain, less cranky, possibly more able to help with certain chores, and most importantly it will make the pregnancy easier for the both of you to deal with. You will get major brownie points with her family and be envied by other women. The OB expected my wife's feet to be at least twice as large as they were and said that we should keep up the rubbing. Giving my wife a hand to stand up and sit down during the hospital tour got all of the other men in trouble because the women took notice of my attentiveness to my wife. You two are in this together and you're going to need to share in the burden; the previous status quo is no more. Your part as the father has begun and now you will need to do more.

Start working on at least two boy names and two girl names especially if you don't know if you're having twins or more. Please don't name your kid Aiden or something that rhymes with it; I will tease you behind your back. Family and non-family are happy to tell you what you should name your kid; these unsolicited names should be ignored unless there's an actual suggestion that sparks your fancy. Also, people are quick to start making up nicknames and if you don't like them, tell them immediately. After a few corrections at the first family gathering, for us everyone got the hint or forgot and was use to the name we gave her. Don't change a name you pick just because a nurse in the birthing room has the same name or something silly like that. We picked out names years before our daughter came along and anyone that feels like it should be different or is incorrectly honored by it is promptly and politely shot down to be informed that we picked chose it three years ago and not because of their nonsense.

Find a good pediatrician. You'll be visiting them quite often. Make sure you have some decent insurance for this. I believe Obamacare dictates that checkups don't require a copay. Speaking of insurance, your insurance will need to include the kid after it is born. Be sure to get this done quickly after birth since you will be sleep deprived and not firing on all cylinders; mine gave us a 30 day grace period. They did require us to give her SSN for this insurance, but we didn't have one since it would take two months to get; talk with HR and the insurance about this and they'll probably have you put in some kind of placeholder. Since this is a life event, this will be a good time to setup a FSA if you don't have it.

Get your Pertussis (Tdap) vaccination now! Mommy should be getting it right after birth. If there will be any other family members handling the baby a lot, tell them that they need to be up to date on this vaccine as well. Talk to your insurance and see how they'll cover your vaccination. I expect that you won't have to pay anything if you go to the Dr.'s office and a nurse gives you a shot. My insurance wouldn't cover it if I went to a pharmacy to get the shot. Pertussis, aka whooping cough can be lethal to a baby and kids. To an adult it may just seem like a slight cough that lasts a day or more, but could be transmitted to your kid. It's called whooping cough because when a kid gets it, it sounds like nothing you've heard of before. Depending on the kid, you may think they have a demon in them.

Sign up and go to the classes on breast feeding, basic baby care, and birthing. Yes, even the breastfeeding because it is relevant to you. You will also learn essentials in the baby class like swaddling and changing a diaper and hopefully they'll give you the Happiest Baby On The Block DVD. If they don't, rent it. It's cheesy, but practice the core skills and you'll be able to quite down that screamer quickly.

Make sure that financially if you, your partner, or both die, things will be taken care of. I'm the sole provider for my family and if I die, I have setup life insurance policies to ensure that their basic needs will be met for a time. I wish I could have larger policies, but we can't afford it. Do put together wills for you and your partner so things are in place legally; you don't want your kid going to some craptastic foster home because you and the SO were killed and your family doesn't have the money for a good lawyer to get custody.

Have a baby registry at Target and Baby's R Us and maybe Walmart or Amazon. Don't bother with Buy Buy Baby; they're overpriced. Amazon can have good deals on things, but Baby stuff is hit and miss. I can get most baby things cheaper from the local Target after tax than Amazon before shipping. Check Kids.Woot everyday; we got some great toys and a Bjorn for cheap on there. If there's a Kid 2 Kid local, check them out for deals on new and used stuff; I live in middle to a little lower class area and the local one has worn out crap, but the one a few miles down the road in a more well to do area has deals on gently used stuff. Watch for deal and coupons on Carter's stuff at Target, Costco, Carters.com, and other local kids clothing areas; we don't buy the kid a whole new wardrobe when she outgrows something because she's always outgrowing things.

Speaking of outgrowing. One day our pediatrician told us to stop swaddling her and go to a sleep sack; this was two weeks after we dropped $40 on a larger set of swaddlers. Halo and some others make convertible saddlers and sleep sacks. I never used any of them since this was all a bit abrupt.

Breastfeed the kid. Studies have shown this has major benefits long term. I think that breastfeeding is the lazier way to do it anyways. Breast milk is ready while formula has to be prepared and that formula will cost a fortune and get everywhere. Get a breastpump. I recommend the Madela Pump In Style; Madela is used by the hospitals and the bag it makes keeping everything easy. As the dad, having pumped milk on hand while mom is out or taking a break is helpful. If you find that the kid spits up a lot, get Dr. Brown bottles; they help quite a bit with excess air, but that may not be your kids only problem. BTW, when you're home, wear something that is ok to get messed up because the kid will probably spit up on you at some point. Gerber cloth diapers make great spitup cloths and are cheap.

Be polite to people, but guard your baby like they have the plague until he/she gets the 6th month round of vaccinations. Seriously, you don't know what they have and the first six months the kid won't have a good enough immune system to fend off some minor stuff for adults like Pertussis, but lethal to the kid. You don't know if they're up to date on their Tdap vaccination and they may not mention they've had slight cough. Most people are ignorant to how lethal some minor things can be and people that have raised kids don't always know or remember this. Just because someone is pregnant or how cute a kid is, that doesn't grant a free license to go all touchy on them whether one knows them or not. In a doctor's office or hospital it's even more dangerous and for some reason there're more people there that want to touch your kid.

In addition to keeping your kid safe from the infected masses, you need to get a car seat installed and inspected BEFORE the kid arrives! First, buy a new car seat. Don't get used unless you really trust the person you're buying it from, know for a fact that it has never been in an accident, and is within it's usage and age limits. It's better to get new to avoid all those risks. Research your seats thoroughly. I recommend finding a brand that has a system where the baby is in a carrier that can fit into a stroller and lock into a base that stays strapped in the car. This is especially useful if the kid will be transported in more than one car; bases can be $40-$60 and once they're in there and inspected, there's no need to worry. There're deals on these systems that include a compatible stroller. We presently use the Baby Trend line with their Flex-Loc system. I personally like the triangle handle on the carrier. They have kits that include the carrier, car seat base, and stroller for $150 at Target. Research your strollers as well. We kind of wish we got the kit that came with the jogging stroller since it can handle the sidewalks in our neighborhood better.

When you get the car seat, read the manual front to back and see if you can install it in your car in the middle seat in the back. Read your car's manual about whether the LATCH anchors can be used for the middle position or not. Don't use anything with the car seat unless it came with it or the car. Those seat saver mats are a load of BS and there is no regulations on crash tests for them; a company's definition of a crash test may be dropping the thing and seeing if it breaks or not. Also, those things for their head is a bad idea unless it came with the seat, in which case it was truly tested with the seat. After you've read the manual and tried to install the seat, call the local fire department and/or police station and see if they have a certified inspector and schedule a time. Go with the car, car manual, car seat, and car seat manual. Do this for each car including the grandparents if they'll be helping out at all.

Pay attention to what the inspector says and take notes if you have to. After we had our car done and the kid was born, the in-laws wanted to be able to look after her so they bought a base as well and we went with them to the inspection. The inspector loved that we had a live specimen instead of using their teddy bear and the grandparents got a good lesson on how secure the seat should be and how tight the straps should be. They got on my case before on how tight I made it for my kid, but that 5 point harness operates differently than regular seat belts and I'd rather my kid be a little more uncomfortable than ejected and dead.

Adjust the belts every time you put the kid in there and pay attention to when you need to move the straps or adjust the angle of the base. Also pay attention to your kids increasing weight and height. Once your kid outgrows one of the seat's limitations, it's time to upgrade. I recommend the Diono Radian RXT. You want your kid rear-facing for as long as possible and this seat is the only one so far that I've found that can do that. It's rated for up to 45lbs and 44 inches rear facing. Don't worry about their legs if they touch the car's seat; legs can bend and isn't as critical as the spine is. The regulations have changed within the last year on how long to keep the kid rear facing because of the number of kids that are paralyzed due to front facing too early.
 
2013-01-08 07:34:15 PM  
During the birth, stay by her head and watch the machines that go beep. Under no circumstance should you give in to tempation and peek over the curtain.
 
2013-01-08 08:03:33 PM  
But are you ready for children????

Test 1: Preparation

Women: To prepare for pregnancy

1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.
3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children:-

1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.


Test 2: Knowledge

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour.

Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.


Test 3: Nights

To discover how the nights will feel:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.

Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.


Test 4: Dressing Small Children

1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hangout.

Time Allowed: 5 minutes.


Test 5: Cars

1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.


Test 6: Going For a Walk

1. Wait.
2. Go out the front door.
3. Come back in again.
4. Go out.
5. Come back in again.
6. Go out again.
7. Walk down the front path.
8. Walk back up it.
9. Walk down it again.
10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
11. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
12. Retrace your steps.
13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
14. Give up and go back into the house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.


Test 7: Conversations with children

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.


Test 8: Grocery Shopping

1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.


Test 9: Feeding a 1 year-old

1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.


Test 10: TV

1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.


Test 11: Mess

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor and proceed with step 5.
5. Drag randomly items from one room to another room & leave them there.


Test 12: Long Trips with Toddlers

1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each 'Mummy'. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.


Test 13: Conversations

1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.


Test 14: Getting ready for work

1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
4. Stir
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work


You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!!
(credit: http://www.thebabablog.com/article/2012/10/03/steps-to-follow-before-y ou-decide-to-have-kids)
 
2013-01-08 08:44:56 PM  
save a couple pairs of baby sneakers for the laundry (you'll go through dozens of pairs, trust me). throw 'em in the dryer with pillows or down-filled items. the sneakers will keep the stuff fluffy. also, 20 years from now, you'll be amazed that the kid actually used to fit in them with room to grow.
 
2013-01-08 09:10:10 PM  
Lots of great advice here. I was fortunate to have been laid off when my daughter was 3mos old. I spent the next 4mos taking care of her while I searched for another job. The absolute best 4mos of my life and Im so glad it took me that long to secure employment again. I had a great time taking care of her, playing, watching her sleep, taking goofy photos/videos and just holding her for hours. It was pure enjoyment that I wish every dad could enjoy.

For the crying, at some point you will get frustrated/stressed that they will not stop. Well, the answer is you stop and walk away. Walk outside on the porch for 5 mins, take in the fresh air and relax. Repeat as needed. It certainly helped me, and yes being 2 feet from the front door is fine.

If you can find some, get a half or even a dozen of those washable diapers, they make great burping cloths and can soak up a lot of spit-up.
 
2013-01-08 09:22:53 PM  

Donnchadha: preybyemail: Dwangerous: My advice is to go easy on the Facebook pictures it's OK in small doses but nobody needs to see every damn thing your kid does that you feel is remotely cute.

People do that for themselves and close family. Im sure i couldnt give two shiats if one of my friends thinks i post to many baby pics. Anyone force you to read a facebookk page at gunpoint lately?

My general advice is let people ask to see pictures -- it doesn't matter what of. It's okay to say "Hey, I have pictures of X if you want to see them" but I don't want to be ambushed by a 50 picture slideshow of your baby, or your backyard or your trip to Tibet. I don't care if you think I can just scroll past or not click if I don't want to -- tact states that you don't publicly broadcast your personal business to everybody in the tri-county area just because you feel like it.


Respectfully disagree. Im the last in a big circle of friends to have a kid. Ive been privy to baby madness for years now, but when it ccomes to pictures on line (seems like they post thousands) i can just scroll on by.
 
2013-01-08 09:27:30 PM  
Go to the store for cigarettes and ice cream. Don't return. Start a new life. Wear a condom from now on.
 
2013-01-09 05:51:04 AM  

preybyemail: abortion


31 years ago. If she had, I would not have had any complaints anyhow. Nor any opinion on anything or experiencing conscious thought even once. I would not have gained anything to start with, and therefore I would not have lost anything. So that would have been fine.

No I don't live in her basement either - before you ask. I live in my own trailer - just so you understand how classy and successful I am.
 
2013-01-09 05:51:57 AM  

Trapper439: Learn some DIY home renovation skills.

[newsimg.bbc.co.uk image 466x468]


I LOLed
 
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