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(Fark)   Subby just found out he is going to be a father today. What sage advice/snark do you have for the future dad?   ( divider line
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2317 clicks; posted to Main » on 07 Jan 2013 at 9:28 PM (4 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

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2013-01-08 07:44:14 AM  
The diaper goes on the bottom half
2013-01-08 07:48:14 AM  

Sneakytoes: Tom_Slick: Tom_Slick: The Evil That Lies In The Hearts Of Men: Baby girl: Wipe from front to back.

This, So Much this, oh and be prepared for diaper explosions at the most inopportune times, i.e. 5 minutes after you changed a wet diaper and put her in a car seat for a 2 hour ride to grandma's house, there are good times for diaper explosions i.e. 5 minutes after you have handed her to grandma, seriously your mother will think it is cute and rush off to change her before you can say "mom give her back I will take care of it"

OTOH, frequent diaper explosions over a long period of time can indicate a problem.  Mine came down with ulcerative colitis when she was nine.

/was hosing her down in the back yard when the WTC got hit

That's a hell of a diaper explosion!
2013-01-08 07:51:38 AM  
Congrats, soon to be Dad. The best advice I was given was from my mom- "All you *really* need are food and diapers." It's so true. Second runner up would be- "Sleep when the baby sleeps." Another pearl of wisdom from mom, when I was wringing my hands over potty training- "I've never met an adult who hadn't learned to use the bathroom."

I had no baby care experience when I brought my oldest son home from the hospital. I just did what felt right, managed fine, and didn't eff up and kill him. He's 21 now.
2013-01-08 07:53:57 AM  
A lot.
While you can.
2013-01-08 07:54:57 AM  
If you don't have 500 bucks get a loan...
2013-01-08 08:07:32 AM  
Likewise. Hope yours goes smoothly.
2013-01-08 08:10:24 AM  

Donnchadha: platkat: Wait until he's at least five or six before his first tattoo.

Is that months or weeks?

2013-01-08 08:18:59 AM
2013-01-08 08:29:32 AM  
1. If your boy grows up with the ability to treat women well without being a doormat you won't have to worry about him choosing poor relationships and nothing jeopardize manhood worse than a bad relationship.

2. Academic fundamentals; reading, writing and arithmetic - and, not "or." Don't buy in to the idea that your boy is good at some things, poor at others and should focus only on what people tell him he is good at; there are plenty of people out there who are much better thinkers than they have been lead to believe. There is a reason colleges and universities call them "schools of Arts and Sciences;" we are meant to know algebra and literature, geometry and composition, physics and philosophy.

3. Catch. Hoops. Kick around. Pig-skin toss. Tennis. Video-games are fun as hell but pushing a bunch of buttons all day long doesn't really accomplish anything. Having a wicked jump-shot, a deceptive second serve or pin-point accuracy in any sport lasts much longer and feels infinitely better than being the neighborhood champ at Halo. I've long forgotten every video game I could whup any three people at at any moment but I remember many more aces, goals, go-routes and outs-at-first.

4. You are the King, Mom is the Queen, then that makes your son a Prince. A Prince should feel that the castle is his home as well; these things are called the "family" car, the "family" room and the "family" dog for a reason. Pride of ownership can be instilled at a young age and if your Prince understands that the castle is partly his, he'll take an active role in helping you run it, clean it, keep it safe and later on perhaps even building more of it.

5. A skill; HVAC, plumbing, automotive, carpentry - often even a basic understanding of any of these can keep your son from reaching for his wallet as the first option to solve any problem.

.... and Cheerios, standard yellow box, plain, with chopped bananas.
2013-01-08 08:31:58 AM  

White_Scarf_Syndrome: You guys...I'm so torn after reading all of this.

I'm a single Dad.

I don't know what the fark I am doing and I need help for my brains.

The only true love I'll defend to the death was when the three of us hugged and were close. No one can ever take that away from me.

Remember Ben Kenobi's advice to Luke when he was practicing his laser sabre skills on the Millenium Falcon. Use your instinct. Let the Force flow through you.

And when that doesn't work, ask for help. Either a neighbor/relative/coworker who you trust, or your area may have a toll-free Parents hot-line. I've called it multiple time to get tips and tricks to deal with small stuff like bedtime warfare or how to explain to a three-year-old that Mommy is in the hospital and that your brother arrived too early and he'll stay at the hospital for a while.
2013-01-08 08:36:33 AM  
Get a bigger house for all the baby stuff: swing, pack n play, bouncer, bungee cord thing, kick in' coaster, bumpo chair and other random toys. My long coveted workout room is full of baby crap. Out of all those things, my baby only likes the bumpo and bouncer. Craigslist is your best friend.
2013-01-08 08:39:55 AM  
Kids make life worth living. Make sure that when you threaten them with punishment, you follow through. If you don't do what you say, you will lose the ability to discipline and you will lose their respect.
2013-01-08 08:40:11 AM  
Take lots of pictures and video.

Don't get into the whole "I changed the last diaper, so it's your turn this time" thing with your spouse. If you detect that a diaper needs changing, change it. Even if you end up changing more of them. Trust me, this will be a huge boost to matrimonial harmony.

Don't let the la leche Nazis make you feel guilty if you decide to bottle feed. Your child will do just fine on formula.

If your baby is having a particularly rough night and is waking up every 45 minutes, don't alternate who gets up but rather split the night into two shifts. That way you each get at least a good half a night's sleep. If necessary, the "off-duty" parent should go sleep in the guest room to avoid being disturbed when the "on-duty" parent gets up.

Get comfortable taking your baby outside the house (e.g. the mall) on your own. Give your spouse a break every now & then. Plus, you'll get lots & lots of attention from attractive women when you do.
2013-01-08 08:42:16 AM  
Father of three (now grown) children. Here are a few things I've learned:
1. They're tougher than you think. Yes, it hurts when a kid trips and hits the corner of the coffee table, but the kid will survive. They're pretty bouncy.
2. If they're crying, they're still breathing. Handle the situation calmly.
3. Things will happen that Mom DOES NOT need to find out about. Don't be embarassed to say, "Let's not tell mom about this."
4. Do NOT have more than two under the age of five. It's bad enough to be outnumbered by the kids, but it's worse when you have to try to do anything without having the second parent there. With three little ones, it's nearly impossible to go to any store or event with only one parent.
2013-01-08 08:43:34 AM  
GET THE VASECTOMY NOW. Not three more kids down the road. And remember: it's down the road NOT across the street!
2013-01-08 08:45:01 AM  
Fark answer on:

pregnancy brain will make your baby's momma ultra stupid for a couple of weeks. Use the window to finagle the three-way you've always wanted before she gets too fat.

also that life you have... you're going to want to put that into storage for a couple of decades. you won't be needing it.

Fark answer off:

Useful answer on:

Start lining up babysitters now. look for 15-20yr old girls with slightly younger sisters so they can take over when big sis quits babysitting. After the initial chaos of the baby plan regular nights out with the wife unit. expect that the first couple will be a right-off because she'll be constantly worried about the baby.

also that life you have... you're going to want to put that into storage for a couple of decades. you won't be needing it.

\\some things are true, even on Fark

Useful answer off
2013-01-08 08:47:19 AM  
Can't think of anything snarky so 2 things:

1 - Tell them that you love them often, don't assume they know it (they don't0

2 - You can't make them be anything, so help them be the best whatever they end up being.
2013-01-08 08:47:31 AM  
Mommas milk fountains start flowing; add some to your coffee, best coffee you'll ever drink.
2013-01-08 09:16:43 AM  

Ceteris Paribus says: I picked my kids up tonight, and when I walked into my daughter's classroom she was hiding with another girl in a fort so she didn't see me. I was talking to the teacher and Tori heard my voice, peaked out, saw me and lit up. She burst of the fort and yelled DAAAAAAADDDDEEEEEEEEEEE and ran into my arms and gave me a great big hug.

Ceteris 10 or so years later:
"So it was after curfew and I went looking for my daughter at the local submarine races. She was in the backseat with some guy and didn't see me, but when she heard my voice "DAMMIT TORI!" she yelled "IT'S MY DAAAAAAADDDDEEEEEEEEEEE" and the kid took off running. The joke's on him though, he left his wallet in his pants!
2013-01-08 09:17:24 AM  

Committee_For_Aesthetic_Deletions: 2. If they're crying, they're still breathing. Handle the situation calmly.

You'd be surprised how many don't understand that for adults as well -- mostly, if they're coughing a lung out, they aren't choking.

You only do the Heimlich when they STOP coughing -- also, learn the baby Heimlich, it's not quite the same as the adult version.
2013-01-08 09:20:39 AM  

Donnchadha: TheSignPost: Dude, when they start to eat real food, anything besides milk..... oh man, the poop is terrible.


Remember Silence of the Lambs?  Where she has this stuff in her bag that's probably ultra-strong Vicks Vaporub or something similar that she rubs under her nose to quell the stench from the corpse?

You need some of that.

I thought formula poop was the worst -- anecdotally, that is -- no first hand experience in any of those matters.

Food is worst, but soy formula is distinctly unpleasant, too.

Breastmilk poos are completely inoffensive in comparison.
2013-01-08 09:24:18 AM  
1) Have another; having a sibling to play with on cold/rainy days is the best way to occupy their time. They'll also have each others back in life.

2) Avoid the drool! If they have a cold, it'll knock you out for a week.

3) Table manners - get on him/her early and often.

4) From time to time, just sit back and watch. It's fun.

5) Don't let him/her sleep in your bed, breaking that habit is a pain.

6) Breast milk is tasty, you know what to do.
2013-01-08 09:25:35 AM  
Cuddle them. You won't be able to forever.

Mine like to sit on my lap and I nestle their head under my chin and I hum or read to them. Something about the vibrations gets to them and relaxes them.

Aside from the screaming and lack of sleep for the 8 months I have to say: Having kids has been the most fun and interesting thing ever.

2013-01-08 09:29:08 AM  
When he's eight years old and accidentally sets fire to the living room rug... go easy on him.
2013-01-08 09:30:39 AM  

If its a boy, you only have to worry about one dick, if its a girl, you have to worry about every other dick in the world.
2013-01-08 09:34:46 AM  

dj_spanmaster: When he's eight years old and accidentally sets fire to the living room rug... go easy on him.

That's heavy, man...
2013-01-08 09:35:24 AM  
Do what she says around the house or else prepare to die.
2013-01-08 09:38:32 AM  
Guys and gals, also the submitter, I must extend a huge

Mrs. Croesius and I are expecting our first two in April, just recently found out that both twins are boys. I have the most recent thread bookmarked (involving "crotch fruit" in the headline) as well as this one and have read every post. Lots of varied food for thought, some worthwhile, some asinine, but I just wanted to say I appreciate all these tidbits.

Anyone got any particular advice for two twin boys?
2013-01-08 09:49:07 AM  
If the baby has colic, Gripe Water is your friend, Also, if you wife/gf/so is nursing, no green vegetables.

Also, If you don't have a TiVo, then you won't get to watch sports for like 2 or 3 years.

If the baby is a girl, pre-emptively go to Babies R Us and buy a black diaper bag/backpack. Otherwise, you will carry around a bright pink Hello Kitty backpack for 2-3 years. Not a big deal, but can be circumvented.

Baby Bottle bags (with the icepack inside) are encouraged, as they also make an excellent two-beer cooler later on.
2013-01-08 10:04:55 AM  
Patience and understanding.
2013-01-08 10:21:03 AM  
1. Being with your loved one as she gives birth is an amazing and wonderful thing, but be prepared for angry things to be said at you & for the afterbirth, a rather disgusting discharge of uterine stuff (think of it aas the baby's luggage) that happens after the baby is born. However, you will regret it if you miss it & not regret it if you are there for it.

2. Work it out with your loved one that you will take shifts regarding late-night feedings and other attendance. An inequitable distribution of baby labor and sleep allowance will cause untold resentment. BOTH of you need sleep, so help each other out.

3. The baby won't give you much feedback (i.e., smiles, giggles, etc.) for the first couple months, but don't take that personally.

4. At Starbucks and certain other coffee joints, they will warm bottles that you bring with you. So you can have the caffeine you desperately need & the baby can have a warm bottle.

5. Things you will be thankful you bought: a vibrating baby chair, a diaper genie (unless you go the reusable diaper route), lullabye CDs, an audio-only baby monitor, a Baby bjorn or a baby sling, and a DVR or TiVo.
Things you will wonder why you bought since they never got used: an electric bottle warmer and a baby monitor with video capacity (the sound of your baby crying is enough and, more importantly, you don't want to broadcast a signal of when you are home/not home to anyone outside your house with a receiver.)

6. IF you can get away with never using pacifiers, do it, but don't consider yourself a failure if you can't (same goes for disposable diapers.)

I'm sure I have more, but I'll have to refresh my memory (my sons are 8 and 2 now.) :) Congratulations!!!
2013-01-08 10:38:07 AM  
Sleep now.


2013-01-08 10:47:57 AM  
For the love of god, please teach your offspring to have some manners and be a decent person.

/Too many brats running around these days
2013-01-08 10:54:41 AM  
Welcome to the multiple birth club!
This worked for us: Controlled Crying
2013-01-08 10:58:09 AM  
If he can't tell when you're lying by the time he's 6, figure he's retarded.

2013-01-08 11:00:14 AM  
Remember that, by definition, you come from a long, perfectly unbroken streak of ancestors who, through the ages, have successfully produced and raised children to the point that they could also successfully reproduce. It's in your genetics to be a successful parent.
2013-01-08 11:05:53 AM  
croesius -

used to babysit for a set of boys - angelic to behold and as ornery as racoons

1- do not bother buying new clothes - this includes school uniforms if you go that path
2 - if you want them to be polite, be polite - use "please" and "thank you" - esp once they pass the new baby phase......"I apologize" as well
4 - mrs croesius will be outnumbered - make sure they respect her and try not to list her faults in anger in front of them
5 - you are also outnumbered - treat them like individuals - take each alone on occasion
6 - some twins don't have that "special magical bond" and will engage in battles royal - remind them when you can they will have each other for a long time
7 - buy at least one large plastic storage container and keep a modest supply of "junk" food in it - chips, crackers, granola - healthy boys reach a two-for stage: lots of friends you will want to meet/ have over and unending abilities to eat and burn calories - buy non perishables on sale and stash for that "hey, mom/dad? our friends mike, billy, tom, ralph and tj are here - is that ok?"
8 - if you have a yard of your own? buy a tent - use it for fun and profit outside while mom recoups inside

good luck
2013-01-08 11:18:35 AM  

GaperKiller: Right there with you, subby. We're due July 4th.


pick their fark handle now

July 14 here. Cant wait for my wiife to be huge and angry in the middle of summer.
2013-01-08 11:21:21 AM  

CoronaMikl: Just wait until they are six and yell at you from the top of the stairs "I hate you and hope you die. But first can you drive me to the mall?"

Thats one pissed off kindergartener with a cinnibun jones.
2013-01-08 11:22:43 AM  

preybyemail: CoronaMikl: Just wait until they are six and yell at you from the top of the stairs "I hate you and hope you die. But first can you drive me to the mall?"

Thats one pissed off kindergartener with a cinnibun jones.

What do you think makes the icing so good? Crack for color, heroin for texture.
2013-01-08 11:32:48 AM  
Go out for a meal, and each and every time you have a meal at home, enjoy each other's company and the moments of contented silence.

Nobody tells you this.
2013-01-08 11:51:53 AM  

Donnchadha: dj_spanmaster: When he's eight years old and accidentally sets fire to the living room rug... go easy on him.

That's heavy, man...

Weight has nothing to do with it.
2013-01-08 12:07:58 PM  

bigtommyg: 1.) Hoping you're married to/cohabiting with the mother, my main advice is to prepare HARDCORE for the first three months. Everything goes much, much better if you have a cooperative plan for that time period and execute it from the start.

2.) On the same lines, DO NOT be afraid to incorporate your in-laws in that plan if they and your wife are willing. Few of us are big fans of the mother-in-law, but having her around is a calming influence and valuable learning tool for your wife if they have a good relationship. If you absolutely cannot handle her then have her around when you are at work or, if you take time off too, use that time to go shopping for baby supplies/groceries/whatever else is plausibly necessary and allows you to leave the house.

3.) Expect absolutely nothing of your partner for the next 6 months-1 year. Giving birth wipes women's brain clean. She will leave stuff in weird places, forget what day it is, get behind on her share of the chores, etc. Mommy Brain is real and near-universal and you need to be understanding and tolerant.

4.) Expect less than nothing from your partner for 6 weeks after delivery. She just had her vagina torn open, possibly had her taint cut off during delivery, lost tons of blood, lost tons of female hormones, and is adjusting to a little thing that can only communicate in screams suckling at her bewbs every two hours. She'll get back to the sexy sex. Trust me.

5.) Make normal household noise while your infant sleeps. If people are over, talk at normal volumes. Watch TV at NORMAL volumes. Walk around, clean, etc. At this point s/he is going to sleep anyway because when you've been floating in goo for nine months just being awake is exhausting enough. Get him/her used to sleeping through normal noise now and s/he'll be able to do the same when being awake becomes more interesting at around the 4-6 month mark--and likely thereafter.

6.) That thing I said about talking if people come over? Tell people NOW not to come over. Except for grandparents, people aren't coming over to help. They're coming over to see the widdle biddy bubba baby bumper and that's it. And the only people you need over right now, are people who will help in other ways too, like washing dishes/bottles or bringing food.

7.) Tell grandparents NOW that when they visit early on, you really need them to help DO things other than holdthe widdle biddy bubba baby bumper. If they get pissy then they become subject to Rule 6 because they are just stereotypical Baby Boomers and not real grandparents.

8.) YOU CAN'T "SPOIL" AN INFANT." An infant is a helpless little creature that depends on your for every physical and emotional need. When an infant cries there is a REASON and it is your duty to address it. Discipline and spoilation starts when your child can meet a particular need on its own, or when it whines over non-needs (e.g. "THAT toy, not this one"). You will know that time when it comes. For now, lots of holding/cuddling, and when it cries immediately check the diaper, then offer the bottle, then rock a while and put to bed. That covers about all the needs and thus all your necessary reactions.

9.) Chronicle everything. You may feel like you're taking too many pics, but you will never complain about HAVING too many pics.

10.) CONGRATULATIONS! Babies are GOOD THINGS despite the protestations of probably 200 of the 220+ comments I didn't even bother to read before I posted.

Good show man. Great advice.

Alot of people dont have kids, and take every opportunity to tell folks how awful something they dont have is.
2013-01-08 12:16:39 PM  

Dwangerous: My advice is to go easy on the Facebook pictures it's OK in small doses but nobody needs to see every damn thing your kid does that you feel is remotely cute.

People do that for themselves and close family. Im sure i couldnt give two shiats if one of my friends thinks i post to many baby pics. Anyone force you to read a facebookk page at gunpoint lately?
2013-01-08 12:16:58 PM  

FozzyNOK: Just as all my children the second they were cleaned up and handed to me, I told them that I would do everything in my power to protect them and I would love them forever... I wrote them a letter of the times that they were born, Sadly, I predicted the end of my first born. He was a protector, a hater of bullies and was a lover of history... RIP SPC Micheal "Pokey" Phillips.. the world someday may see you again, may you live in peace in the next one.

You have my deepest sympathies. I can't imagine your grief. If he were here, I'd thank him for his service. So, in lieu, thank YOU.
2013-01-08 12:23:31 PM  
I'd like to say congratulations and just do your best and enjoy, treasure every moment, take lots of videos and photos and memento's and BACK them up. just do your best. be honest and no idea if this is appropriate but remember there is no such thing as woman's jobs or men's jobs when raising a child, there is a parents job and everyone else is how i look at it. currently helping raise my 2 year old grandson.

best of all enjoy.
2013-01-08 12:46:47 PM  

Baby Bottle bags (with the icepack inside) are encouraged, as they also make an excellent two-beer cooler later on.

There is much wisdom in this post.
I will add: On the "daddy's day out with the baby" it becomes a "one for you, one for me" cooler. Bottle of formula/ bewb milk for the baby, bottle of beer for daddy. Great for ballgames, zoos museums, whatever. Put the formula bottle on top, wrap the beer bottle in a white trashbag/grocery bag. They see the top one never see/suspect the bottom one is anything out of the ordinary.
2013-01-08 12:58:51 PM  
Follow through on your discipline. Be patient. Try never to use pacifiers. When it's time to have baby sleep in it's own room, start that process on a Fri night--and be firm with the not jumping up everytime it cries for you guys. Read to it every day from day one, and be prepared to read the same damn thing 5x a day. Also, at one point, you will feel like they ask you 10,000 questions a day, sometimes endless repeats. Also also, talk like a normal human being to it, not that baby gibberish shiat. All your hard work will pay off in the long term. You will sleep again.

/proud single dad with full custody for 16/18 years of one son.
//tough times
///good times
2013-01-08 01:02:25 PM  
Shortly after I got married, my grandfather's wife (no, she's not my grandmother) decided to purchase a baby book for my wife and I. You know, despite the fact that we told the family that we weren't planning on having any kids for at least a couple of years. The book is from 1979, and full of hilarious inaccuracies.  Some things can be excused just because it is so old; for example, yes, we do have a chicken pox vaccine now, so I can forgive the book for claiming that there's nothing you can really do when you kid gets chicken pox.  Other things, however, are just fantastically wrong:

Here's how to get in touch with and gain "unconscious body knowledge" of your unborn child:
If your child has something in their eye, here's how to stick something sharp near your kid's eyes so you can roll back their eyelid to can see if there's anything in there:
Here's how to give your baby CPR.  You know, just in case you wanted to cave in their chest cavity. Your kid didn't need those lungs.
And my favorite: here's how to tell if you child might be psychic. Psychic!
2013-01-08 01:20:34 PM  
A few things I've learned, or what they're worth.

1. It's no longer about you.

2. The first 6-9 months will make you mostly insane due to lack of sleep. Few new parents are prepared for just how little sleep they will get. Get your support network in place now. You'll need to be able to have friends/family come by and watch your little one so *you* can get some sleep.

3. You and your partner are going to be exhausted and pissy, a lot. You will likely take this out on each other. This will pass, but you need to be good at remembering that you are just tired and this phase will end soon.

4. Do you have nice furniture and clothes? Put them in storage. When you hold your infant before going to work, cover yourself with a receiving blanket as they will usually find a way to paint you with formula.

5. On baby-proofing. Think about the last time you came home really drunk. What did you bump into or hurt yourself on? Find those things and remove them or pad them.

6. Your kid will get bumps and bruises. It's going to happen and no, you probably aren't a bad parent because of it.

7. Infants are a lot of work and will tax your patience. Fortunately it gets a lot more challenging once they turn into toddlers and learn to walk, climb, and say "No."

Good luck!
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